Original subtitles

Okay, Tina, you're all ready for your baton lessons.

I can't use a toilet plunger as a baton.

Sure you can.

Happy twirling.

Hey, Lauren. Hey, Sarah. Hey, Brian.

So, Sarah, how do you like tutoring Lauren? It's okay. You can speak freely

front of her. Just use big words.

Like hopelessly desperate weenie boy?

Look at you two kids.

You know, before I went off to college, I used to fight with my brother all the

time.

Now I miss him.

Aw, that's not gonna happen.

Yeah, Lauren's right. She's never getting into college.

Oh, stop it, Brian.

Not everyone can be as smart as you.

Did you know that the bullfrog is the only amphibian that never sleeps?

I better get upstairs.

My baton gave me a splinter.

Here, Tina. I have one you can use.

Be my pleasure to pass the baton.

It's a little joke of a trade.

Whoa.

That's your baton?

Yep. This is a perfectly calibrated titanium instrument. Only the most elite

our twirling squad get to spend this kind of steel. I call mine Wonder Boy.

Because when you twirl it, we wonder if you're a boy?

I'm still in love with you today Cause you make me happy

What's

wrong? Well, I just asked Mary Shaw to the dance and she turned me down.

Isn't she the girl with the ant head?

She has a below average size head, yes.

She said she was going to be busy that night. She has to wash her hair.

Well, that shouldn't take long.

Hey, what's going on?

Brian's having a hard time finding a date for the spring formal. Oh, sweetie.

Maybe this will cheer you up.

Evan Turner asked me to the spring formal today.

How's that supposed to cheer me up?

Oh, well, it cheers me up.

Yay, me!

Oh, you got a date to the spring formal. Good for you.

Yeah, it's just, you know, Evan's a senior, and my dad has this weird rule

about, you know, me dating older guys.

Yeah, that's why we have to remind Bill that he already agreed to let her go.

Oh, did he? Oh, hell no.

But if we time it right, between the beer, the pot roast, and my tight

it creates the perfect storm of distraction.

Yeah, Mom's really good at this. This is how she told Dad that she crashed the

minivan.

I'm proud of that one. I actually convinced him that he did it.

You know what? This is crazy. Family members shouldn't have to trick each

into doing stuff. You should just be able to tell Bill that Lauren's going to

the formal with the senior, and that's that.

No.

Wait! No, we have beer and pot roast, and look at these.

Yes, yes, oh, yes, and no. But, Dad!

You're not going out with the senior.

Thanks a lot, Aunt Linda. I'm sorry, but I don't allow you kids to date older

people. It's my one big rule.

Bill, but I met him, and he's a nice kid, and they're just going to a dance.

Yeah, I mean, he's going to drive her to the dance and then drive her straight

home. So he has a car. Then definitely no.

Why did you come over?

for today.

But my teacher said to practice an hour every day.

What she meant was practice until it feels like an hour.

So you're done.

Okay.

Lauren, your father was saving that pot roast heel.

Maybe now we'll know, but it feels like being denied something that you had your

heart set on.

My God.

That is so mean and petty.

You're going to make a wonderful wife someday.

Honey, I'm home and hungry for heel.

I've had pot roast on my brain since... Ah!

I'm sorry.

Did you want that? Because I always eat delicious leftover pot roast. It's my

one big rule.

Why didn't we just stop after the first kid?

That's right. I wanted a boy.

Anyway, guess what, guys? Things are finally looking up for me. You got a

for the dance?

Uh, no. But I do have a secret admirer.

A secret admirer?

Yeah. She's been emailing me since last night. She's so smart.

Listen to what she sent me.

Let not my love be called idolatry, nor my beloved as an idol show, since all

alike my songs and praises be to one of one.

Still such.

And ever so.

I think your computer might be broke.

Sounds like every other word's missing.

Dad, is she experienced on it?

Brian, this girl sounds great. You should find out who she is.

Absolutely. A girl like this is probably a moose.

What? Brian, there's a reason she's keeping her identity under wraps. She's

either writing to you from jail or she's a he.

Or a he -she.

A he -she?

They're out there. Trust me.

Trust me.

Oh, hey, Sarah. Hi, Brian.

Oh, I brought you that Northwestern catalog you wanted. Ah, Northwestern.

recruited me.

Wait, Northwestern recruited you?

Wait, that's not the word. Escorted me.

Off campus. Great party.

Uh, so what do you know about the physics department?

Well, I know you'd probably be the cutest guy in it. By far.

The Bessemer process converts iron ore into steel.

You better get upstairs.

Yeah, Lauren and I are working on Shakespearean sonnets.

Shakespearean sonnet?

Yeah, I bet you know a few.

Yeah, actually, I know a few.

You know what my favorite one is?

Let not my love be called idolatry, nor my beloved as an idol show.

That's my favorite, too. Oh, my God. You like me.

Me favorite sonnet, me lassie.

You crack me up, Brian.

Dad, Dad, guess what?

Sarah is my secret admirer. Really? Yeah. She just said that her favorite

would be the one from the email.

That can't be a coincidence.

Wow.

She's not a moose at all.

But we can't rule out that she's a he -she.

It's always a possibility.

Always.

I, uh, I bet she just wants to keep it a secret because she's Lauren's tutor.

A tutor?

My God.

You've stumbled into a classic 80s movie fantasy.

An older, experienced seductress is looking to tutor you in the ways of

Oh, you've got to ask her out.

I've sat through cheerleading, twirling, and something called bell choir. You

owe me this.

Dad, I can't ask out a college girl. Where am I supposed to take her? How

that dance? You show up with a college girl, you'll be a legend in your high

school. The guys in twirling squad would lose it.

I don't think the guys in Twirling Squad are ever going to lose it.

Dad, what am I thinking?

She's 19.

She sleeps in a dorm with other hot women.

I sleep in jammies with a humidifier.

Hey, calm down. All you need is some confidence. I can help you with that.

Really? Yeah, asking a girl out is just salesmanship, and I'm a salesman.

There's no difference between you and a toilet.

Well, as honored as I am by that comparison, I think I'll handle this on

Is there a dictionary down here?

Brian?

Thanks. Paranablam. I mean, nabatrablam.

Help me.

Dad. Dad, I need your help. I just got an instant message from Book Girl.

Who's Book Girl?

Brian's secret admirer.

I had a secret admirer once.

He gets out of prison in five years.

Let's see.

What's up?

Doing anything fun this weekend?

Okay, tell us something cool you like to do. Oh, I build remote control robots.

No, no, you do not.

Move.

Good thing for you, your old man knows how to spin a web of seduction.

I'll tell you what I'm doing this weekend.

I'll be going to the gym working on my pec.

Ew!

Okay, I'm going to start hinting about the dance.

I wonder who Brian thinks Book Girl is.

Who cares?

I mean, as long as Brian thinks that she's an older woman and my dad lets

go out.

Isn't this a long way to go to prove your dad has a double standard?

Look, if it gets me to the dance with Evan, that's all that matters.

In coming, I was gonna go dancing, but my friends bailed on me too bad.

I was so in the mood to dance.

Reel her in, Bill.

Reel her in.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna ask her if she wants to go to the dance. No, Dad, you're moving too

fast. You're gonna scare her off.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, this.

What are we saying? What are we saying?

What are we saying? Do something.

I got it. I got it.

That's Russian, which I learned at spy school. Dad, do not send that.

What's going on?

Hi, Mom.

Who's book girl?

Brian's secret admirer. It turns out it's Lauren's tutor.

And Bill's helping him reel her in.

Wait a minute. You mean Sarah? But she's 19.

Ah, 19.

That was the year I lost my virginity to my mom's desperate friend.

That should have probably remained a thought, huh?

So you hit the ceiling when a senior asked Lauren to the dance, but it's okay

for Brian to date a college freshman? Don't you think there's a little double

standard there?

Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for

Lauren. That way they each get their own.

I was going to say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

But I want to wait to hear what you have to say next.

All I'm saying is girls are easily tricked. It's not their fault they're

that way.

I'm glad I waited.

Well, if you want Brian to date this girl, that's fine.

But I'm going to tell Lauren that she can go to the dance with Evan.

Look, Judy, we can't always treat Brian and Lauren as equals. Brian's just going

to take this girl to the dance and try to get lucky.

But this Evan guy is going to take Lauren to the dance and try to get

You are so sexist.

Sexist or sexy?

Ma, we're getting you a dress for the dance.

Oh, my God.

How'd you get Dad to change his mind? Well, if your father is willing to let

your brother date your tutor, then you can go to the dance with someone older,

too. Why would Brian be going out with my tutor?

Turns out she's been emailing him all week.

Oh, my God, he thinks I'm Sarah.

He thinks who is Sarah?

Wait a minute, book girl.

Your book, girl?

Bye.

Good. No witnesses.

Look, I just wanted to prove that Dad was being unfair about this so I could

to the dance.

So you screwed with your brother's head to make your stupid point? We didn't

raise you like that.

Oh, and then please explain to me how Dad wrecked the minivan without even

in it at the time.

That was... Brilliant.

This is just mean.

Your brother really thinks that girl likes him.

Look, I never claimed to be Sarah.

I mean, he came to that all on his own.

Well, you can forget about even going to that dance, and you're going to go

downstairs and tell Brian everything.

Do I have to?

Yeah. Sooner or later, you're going to have to face the music.

Tina, will you turn off the...

It's been 20 minutes. Looks like she isn't writing back anymore.

I really should get back to the store.

I told a customer I'd check for something in the stockroom.

This will do.

Well, we haven't heard a word from her since you told her I was a spy.

Really, it moved.

Not to mention a violation of federal law.

Yeah, who needs a spy when you can date General Dork, Supreme Commander of the

Remote Control Robots?

Hi, Mr. Miller. There you are. We were wondering where you'd got to.

Oh, Sarah.

Sarah. Hi. Wow, you're here.

Hey, Brian.

Remember, confidence, you're a toilet, sell yourself.

Oh, may I?

Oh, thanks.

So, is Lauren here?

Yeah, she'll be down in a minute.

So, uh, there's been something I've been meaning to ask you. What is it?

Well, uh, I was wondering if you'd be interested...

and going with me this Saturday night to, uh... To what?

To see my rock collection.

Saturday?

Where is this rock collection?

It's upstairs.

Well, I have a few minutes now if you want.

Oh, that's cool, too. They're up in my bedroom. While we're up there, we can

check out my remote -control robe.

have a remote control robe?

Yes, but I think I lent it to one of my friends in twirling squats.

Is your father sick?

Yeah, he has allergies just like me.

Okay, okay, I get it.

Bill, where's Brian? You're never going to believe what Lauren did to him. I

wouldn't worry about him. Thanks to me, Brian's having some alone time with

Lauren's tutor.

What? Yep.

Sarah's upstairs right now. Oh, and if she asks, Brian has a remote -control

robe.

Bill, his secret admirer isn't Sarah.

It's Lauren.

She's the one who's been emailing it.

Look, it was just a joke.

So Brian's not going to have a tutor to school him in the ways of love?

Yes. I can barely afford what we're paying her to teach Lauren.

Ryan, we need to... This toad comes from South Dakota.

And... Sorry.

This is so embarrassing. So horribly embarrassing.

Yeah, we're... Horribly?

Tara, Lauren's waiting for you downstairs.

Thank you, Mrs. Miller.

Haven't you two ever heard of knocking?

We just never, ever thought we'd have to.

I finally get enough confidence to make my move, and you ruined everything.

It's great that you have confidence, but you might want to start this

relationship fresh from here on out.

As if those IMs weren't even from Sarah.

What are you talking about?

They weren't from Sarah.

What?

They were from Lauren.

What? She wanted to prove that your dad had a double standard.

But, you know, Sarah really does like you, so if there's a big winner in all

this, I would say it was you.

I wouldn't. I can't talk to Sarah now that I know she never even liked me. My

confidence was based on a lie.

But she kissed you. That means something.

It was probably just a pity kiss.

A pity kiss is still a kiss.

And you know what a pity kiss can lead to.

Pity marriage.

Tina!

Oh, forget it. It's over. I told you, I could never get a girl like that.

All right. I want you to take a knee and listen up.

You have a tutor in your grasp, and you're just going to let her go?

Shame on you.

Sure, you're not the coolest kid on the block. Sure, she's an older, experienced

woman. But if nerds from 80s movies have told us anything, it's that you do what

you have to to get the girl. You invent love potions. You date a mannequin.

Hell, if you have to, you become a teen wolf.

What's that?

Like, he's on a roll.

Now, I don't know what she said to that girl, but she kissed you for who you

are. So you get down there and you claim Sarah for every man who's ever dreamed

the dream of having his own private tutor.

Are you with me? Yeah. Are you with me?

Practice is over.

It's game time.

Uh, Sarah, I need to talk to you for a second.

Okay. I probably should get going anyway.

Do you mind if we do this tomorrow?

Sure. Okay.

You're dead for what you did to me.

Oh, and that's scary, because you go to spy school.

So are your parents mad?

Do you want to go to the spring formal with me?

Oh, um, I don't know, Brian. A high school dance. I mean, I'm a little...

Maybe that spring formal would be fun.

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

I mean, uh, it's all good.

Great. So I'll see you Saturday. I'll pick you up at 8 sharp. 8 is the time.

Sharp is my look.

I can't wait.

Yeah.

Well, take it easy, kid. No, no, no. Take it light.

Yes, yes, yes. She said yes. She said yes. She said yes. She said yes. She

yes. She said yes.

Because she thinks that I am a man.

The guys in Twirling Squad will freak out when they see me coming with a girl.

She has breasts in a car and a...

Hey, baby.

I just forgot my, um... Listen, Brian, about the dam. I understand.

Thank you.

So, how did it die, you twirl, didn't you?