Original subtitles

Make sure you put the thermometer in right. We have to get an accurate

Lauren, I know how to take a sick kid's temperature.

In my ear, Dad.

I know.

Tina, here's your sickie cup.

Man, I sure hope that fever's gone down.

I don't know. I think it's going to be higher.

Sweet the way the two of you are fussing over, Tina. 101. I win. Pay up.

You lost me ten bucks.

I knew you had another degree in you.

I tried.

I can't believe the two of you were betting on her fever.

You didn't let me in on it. My money's afraid of her.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

What are you looking at there, Brian?

To lift the community service jobs.

Oh, my boy got arrested.

Try and get on highway cleanup. You find a lot of neat stuff in the bushes.

Dad, I didn't get arrested. I'm taking a doing for volunteering.

Oh, good for you. Wow.

Let's see. How can you contribute to society?

Oh, here's one.

Give your father a foot rub.

Well, I don't really see how that'll look good on my college application.

Plus, it's going to be a lot harder to type after I boil my hands.

Oh, look, the hospital has an outreach program.

Here is a lady with a back injury who needs some help around the house.

She's a widow.

Uh, Rose Grundy. Wait a minute. I thought you were afraid of old ladies.

Dad, I was four years old, and Mrs. Bruno chased me around her yard holding

teeth and making them talk.

Yes, she was funny.

Bill,

why don't you ever fill up Tina's humidifier? I end up doing it every

I think you just answered your own question.

Is that a volunteer list from school?

Yeah, I'm thinking of helping an elderly widow in the neighborhood.

Aren't you afraid of neighbor boys? Stop it!

I think it's sweet that you're doing your part to help out an older person.

bribery is such a good boy.

Mom, I'm too old for that name now. I filed a tax return this year.

Oh, that reminds me. Could you file ours?

You don't want Mommy and Daddy going to jail.

Bring me the shoebox.

Oh, and by the way, you kids are my business partners and we go to dinner a

Brian's grown up to be such a responsible young man.

Well, children live what they learn, Judy. It's all about good parenting.

Thanks for picking me up from dance practice, Dad.

You're welcome, honey.

You didn't pick me up.

I called... I told you. You said you were on your way.

That's where I was going.

I got in the car, and I automatically went to the mini -mart.

I'm sorry, Pumpkin, but the good news is we have plenty of beer.

Bill, I can't believe you forgot her.

Yeah, and I had to walk home because somebody took my emergency bus money out

my purse, Mom.

Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I had an emergency.

The good news is we have a dozen frozen burritos to go with that extra beer.

Judy, can I ask you a little question about S -E -X?

Will it make me B -A -R -F?

How long after you and Bill got together did he feel the need to start

introducing variations?

I'm still waiting on that.

He wants to start taking our activities outside the bedroom.

Well, as long as it's not outside my bedroom, I'm cool with it.

He wants to do it in my car.

What's the big deal?

Bill and I have done it in a car. Hell, we've done it in your car.

You two have been naked in my car?

We weren't naked. We're not gross.

Yeah, but the point is you guys have been together for years. I mean, don't

think it's a little early for Perry to feel the need to spice things up? Well,

it just sounds like he wants to be a little adventurous with you.

He did mention you, right?

You're not the one driving, are you?

No.

I don't think so.

The point is, he won't let it go. He keeps bringing it up constantly.

That's because men think of sex all the time.

That is not true.

I'm not thinking about it right now.

Now I am.

How's Tina?

She's not feeling so good. I don't think she's going to come down for dinner.

Poor little thing. Dibs on her food.

So, where's Brian? Is he helping out that old lady again? For the past three

days, I am so proud that we raised such a sweet, given boy.

He got it from me.

Dibs on his food.

No dibs on his food. I don't think that old lady's even feeding him. I'm going

to fix him a plate and have you take it over to him. It'll be my pleasure.

And then I'm going to call Brian and make sure he got it.

No, that's okay. I have plenty of dinner for myself.

I'm feeling a little better. I'm hungry.

Stupid children's aspirin.

Don't get up, Mrs. Grundy. I'll get it.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I, uh, I brought you dinner.

Spaghetti and plain, plain spaghetti.

No meatballs.

Okay, well, thanks. Uh, see you later.

Who is it, Brian?

Um, nobody.

Okay, bye, Dad.

Is your dad?

Uh, no, it's just a guy named Dad.

Hi, I'm, uh, I'm Bill Miller. So, uh, you work for old Mrs. Grundy, too?

No, I am old Mrs.

Grundy.

I pictured somebody older and grundier.

Sorry to disappoint you. You can call me Rose.

Thanks. So, Rose, how'd you hurt your back?

Oh, skiing. Take my advice. Never go down a black diamond run after three

of tequila.

You're preaching to the choir.

Oh, you ski?

No, I drink tequila and then I sing.

You seem kind of familiar.

Oh. Well, I'm an artist. Maybe you read about me in Art Week magazine.

No, that's not it.

When I was younger, I did some modeling, mostly beer ads. I'm guessing that's

it.

You were the Schultzy beer girl.

And Schultzy light.

Which, by the way, is just Schultzy in a green can.

You know, I had your poster on my wall all through high school. I drank a ton

that beer because of you.

Well, thanks. Your underage drinking put me through art school.

And it put me through traffic school a couple of times.

Brian, you didn't tell me your dad was so funny. He isn't. Well, I got to get

back to work.

I got to move this rug down to the basement. You know, I can stick around

give him a hand.

Oh, that's so nice of you. I hope you don't mind. I have to do my physical

therapy for my back.

You do what you got to do. You won't even know we're here.

Oh, looks like you're going to have a ball.

You're right. He isn't that funny.

exercise like this a lot?

Yeah.

The doctor told her at least three times a day.

Good doctor.

You know, it's so rewarding helping someone in need.

It sure is.

Ah, look.

Poor Mr. Cavanaugh is really struggling with those groceries. Poor old guy.

Looks like he could use a hand.

What took you so long? Oh, I decided to stick around and help Brian out.

When I saw the shape that woman was in, I just couldn't turn my back on her.

I am so proud of both of you.

Brian, I bet you're getting more out of this than you ever even realized.

Well, I'll have memories that'll be with me for a long time.

Well, I gotta go take a shower.

You know, I'm thinking maybe I'll go back over there and help Brian out a few

more times.

You know what? I should pitch in, too. It's good karma. I'm going to be like

that old lady someday.

I hope so, but... You don't need to get involved.

Oh, it's the least I can do. You know, maybe I could go over there and do her

laundry or something. Judy, laundry's the only activity that poor woman can

still do.

Why rob her of her dignity?

Besides, you do enough already.

That's true.

Hey, Mom.

Forget anything today? Like maybe me?

The mall?

That's where I was going.

So what do

you think?

Perfect.

Or does it need more smooshing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

helping her all week. I just wish I could have done more than just bake a

Judy, she's a lonely old lady. She'll enjoy anyone coming over with anything.

know I do.

Well, would.

That's the old widow Grundy.

I think I know what killed her husband.

Smooshing.

There's my guy.

At heart, she's doing all right. Thank God we're there to keep an eye on her.

Which we do.

I bet.

Oh, Billy, you never told us. What's the old Witter Grundy look like?

I don't know. She looks like an old lady. But she's still young at heart,

there's plenty going on upstairs.

Up here.

You've inspired me to do a little volunteering myself.

I volunteer my foot for your ass.

Old Lady Grundy.

You were there?

Yeah, I made a cake. And we went over there and saw you in the window. You and

Brian ogling that woman.

Hold on a second. Let me understand this.

There's a cake?

You're not going over there to help her. You're going over there to check her

out. You were peeping in windows. Who's the real pervert here?

Look, I don't care what you do. But no mother should have to see her son

at a woman that way. I saw my son's strip club face.

Strict club face?

You know.

March upstairs and talk to Brian right now. Tell him I never want to see him

looking at a woman like that again.

All right.

And I want to thank you, Bill, for making Perry seem a lot less perverted.

Having sex in a car seems pretty tame right now. I just wish I had a bigger

seat.

I think you're okay.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

It's really been fun helping Mrs. Grundy, huh?

Yeah.

And she's really pretty.

She's pretty, I guess.

Oh, come on, son. You don't have to pretend you don't look at her.

It's hard not to stare at beautiful women. But, you know, staring, that

make a woman feel uncomfortable. And you never want to do that.

I guess I didn't think about that.

You're right. So you're saying I should stop staring?

Oh, God, no.

No, no, no.

I'm just saying you shouldn't get caught doing it. That's all.

Okay. Well, how do you do that?

Well, there's little tricks. Like, for instance, work on your peripheral

Why? Well, say I'm reading a book.

Okay, just go with me on this, okay?

You're a hot blonde that I want to check out. Now, I'm looking at the book.

Go stand over there and hold up some fingers.

Three, five, two... My God.

Do you have any more tricks?

Sure, sure. Now, for the next one, you're going to need some mirrored

sunglasses.

Oh, you know what? I actually have a pair from when I played Knicky in the

musical Grease.

Oh, okay, okay.

You know, maybe it's time you used them for something other than breaking your

father's heart.

Please, you can see him coming and going.

When she's coming, she can't tell where you're looking, huh?

And when she's going, pretend to clean them, and you get a nice rear view.

I better write some of this stuff down.

We don't want any paper trails.

This is more of an oral tradition passed down from father to son.

I'd like to think that someday you'll leer at the woman who'll eventually

your wife.

Kind of like how your old man found the sweet piece of tail who became your

mother.

Dad, are you crying?

No.

Did you talk to him? Yep. You'll never catch Brian leering at another woman

again.

Brian, this is so great, spending the day together, catching up, just like we

used to.

Yeah, it was a lot of fun shopping for underwear and socks with my mom instead

of doing almost anything else.

Well, you're just busy with school and everything, and I wanted a little time

with my bri -bri.

I'm sorry, Brian.

Oh, you got a little something there.

Okay, Mom, what's going on? You're treating me like I'm eight years old.

Oh, who's too big for his mommy all of a sudden?

Uh, I am. Oh, please, Billy. Now you want to split a hot fudge Godzilla

Uh, no, that's a little heavy for me. I think I'll just have a coffee and maybe

a biscotti. You're having ice cream, young man.

Now, do you want gummy bears or sprinkles?

I don't want... Gummy bears or sprinkles?

Sprinkles.

Now, why don't you find us a seat?

Shopping, a little browsing, a little checking things out.

These look familiar to you?

Uh, yeah. I remember those from Brian's unforgettable performance in the musical

Grease.

Brian, go upstairs. Your father and I need to talk.

Or Brian could reenact a scene from Grease. How about the one where you're

building the race car? Come on, come on.

I wanted you to teach him not to leer at women. Instead, you taught him how to

do it better.

How'd you know I taught him? Because I've seen those tricks a million times.

glasses, the pretending to be reading a book, the after -you man so you can

politely check out her can.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you've seen me check out women the whole time, how come you

never get mad?

Like you're going anywhere.

This is my baby boy you're wrecking. Judy, I'm going to tell you something

Brian that you're going to find very upsetting.

He is a man.

Even though everything he says and does and sings about in musicals says

differently, he's a man.

And as you yourself said, we think about sex all the time.

Not the boy I raised. I didn't raise him to be one of you.

What did you raise him to be?

I just missed the little boy who wanted me to tuck him in at night.

When he got sick and I took care of him and wiped his nose and made him soup.

Now he's checking out women, drinking coffee.

It's like he doesn't want to be around me anymore.

You know, if you want, you can tuck me in and make me soup.

I already do that, Bill.

Regardless, you're going to have to face the fact that he's growing up.

Right. He loves robots and yo -yos and hot fudge sundae.

Honey, he's a hairy, smelly, dirty man just like the rest of us.

Although he does love robots.

I guess you're right.

Mommy, I'm not sick anymore.

Listen, I can smell again.

Oh, good for you.

Although that's a mixed blessing in this house.

Don't give me that, sweetie. It's full of germs. I don't want anyone else

getting sick.

Mommy? Right here, Bri Bri.

I'm so thirsty.

Oh, here's your sickie cup.

I don't know how I got so sick.

Neither do I.

I think I need some more aspirin.

I'll tell you what, I'll get you some juice and then I'll mush up the aspirin

a peanut butter sandwich.

Thank you, Mommy.

I know what you did.

That's Tina's sticky cup.

I don't see your name on it.

Big deal.

One more week, one last flu, he was going to get it anyway.

You say men are sick, but you are sick and twisted, lady.

Says you.

Brian, I have your chew.

Here comes Mommy to take care of you.

Don't forget, I'm the one who cooks all the food around here.

If you want to stay healthy, you'll forget this ever happened.

Awesome. Thanks for showing me these exercises, Rose. I really did a number

my back the other day. How'd you do it?

Well, it was in the backseat of my car.

Is this going to be a long story?

No.

Pretty quick, actually.

Okay, turn over, do the same thing on your stomach, and I'll go get you a nice

pack.