Original subtitles

Man, this is horrible.

Don't worry. The McRib will come back. It always does.

Oh, Aerosmith's coming to town and they're already sold out.

Oh, man.

You used to be able to score tickets, sneak backstage.

Why can't we still be those people?

Mom!

Oh, yeah, them.

Mom. Mom, Tina used up all my new hair gel.

No, I didn't. Tina, get down here now.

Yes, ma 'am.

Did you get into your sister's hair gel?

No.

Then why is your hair sticking straight up?

It's not a monster.

You stay out of your sister's stuff.

And you, why do you keep your stuff where she can get at it?

Because she's stupid.

Oh, you want me to make you cry again?

You didn't make me cry. I was allergic to the hand cream that you had on your

fist. You want to test that theory? Because I'm not wearing any right now.

Huh?

how cute they used to be. I've hurt you so bad!

Nah. Me neither.

I'm still in love with you today cause you make me happy!

Fire shot!

Three in a row! That kid could save the Bulls this season.

I wish he could save my marriage.

Oh, come on, buddy. Try to forget about your divorce for a minute and enjoy the

game. Yeah, you're right.

Guys, tell me the truth. Am I a sexy man?

Because according to Marion, our sex life was less than... Oh, look, we're

of chips.

I'll get them.

You don't know where they are. I'll make them if I have to. My house, my chicks.

She said I didn't have a tender touch.

I mean, isn't that tender to you?

How's Fitz holding up out there?

He's holding up my enjoyment of the game.

Geez, Bill, he's your best friend.

Yeah, it's your job to help him through this divorce.

Oh, I guess you're right. He's always been there for me.

I'm gonna go out there and try to make him feel better, even if it takes me all

night. He's gone. Yes!

You two are unbelievable.

We need to call him up and bring him over some dinner. I can't stand the idea

Fitz eating alone in some crummy apartment. It's pathetic.

Not so bad.

Before I got engaged to Perry, I used to eat alone all the time.

Well, me and my cat.

You know, then at bedtime, I'd yell, Nathaniel, it's time for the cat's

We laughed.

Oh, my God. We got to get over there before Fitz throws himself in front of a

bus like her cat did.

Oh, hey, guys.

This is where you get to live when you get a divorce.

Judy, I want a divorce.

Me, too.

It's not my place. I'm just house -sitting for my cousin.

But it's nice of you guys to come by to keep me company.

Well, Fitz, we know you're down, and there's nothing more important than...

crap, look at this view!

Yeah, and there's an indoor pool on the roof and a bar downstairs.

If you want, I could give you a key.

Really? Sure.

Yeah, it'd be nice to have some friendly faces around.

Like last night, I was in the den shooting pool, and I couldn't stop

about how empty my life is. Now, Fitz, hold it right there.

You have a pool table?

Fitz, you'll have to forgive Bill. Some men aren't good at expressing their

feelings. Oh, my God! You got a pool table and a pinball machine?

I love you.

I can't believe you got such a great bar right in your building. Judy, can we

have a bar in our house?

Yeah, you need to drink more.

There's a lot of good -looking women here, Fitz, huh?

I don't think I'm up for talking to anybody.

I feel like I'm cheating on Marion.

Stop thinking like that. You're single now.

You're a fun, attractive guy that no woman can resist.

Now let's find a gal with a bunch of empties in front of her.

How about that?

What am I going to say?

Hey, I'm Fitz the Loser here with my married friends.

My wife didn't want me. Do you?

If we can jazz that up a little, huh?

Oh, I got it. Why don't we all take off our wedding rings and pretend we're

single? I'll go over there and make friends with her. Then we'll come back

check out a couple of hot guys.

I'm talking about you two.

Here it goes.

I feel naked without my ring on.

And the good kind of naked, not the staring in the mirror wondering what the

hell went wrong kind.

Can I sit here?

Oh, please do.

That way I won't look so desperately single.

Tell me about it. It's impossible to find a decent guy in this city.

Can I buy you a drink? Get lost.

By the way, I'm Judy.

Oh, Denise.

So, do you live in the building, too?

No, I'm just a single gal cruising for some action. Oh, ding, ding, ding,

jackpot. Look at those two hotties over there.

The dumb -looking ones?

Uh, yeah.

I, uh, I like them dumb.

What can I say? I'm a dummy chaser.

You know, now that you mention it, the one in the red shirt is kind of cute.

Oh, can I have dips on him? He looks even dumber.

Uh,

mind if we join you?

Sure, why not? We're single.

Two single guys out on the town.

I'm Judy. This is Denise.

I'm Fitz, and this is my friend Rick.

People call me Bill.

So, you guys from around here? I live in the building.

Oh, so do I.

Well, look at that.

You guys are neighbors.

Well, Fitz, why don't you be a good neighbor and buy Denise a drink?

That would be nice.

Really? I never thought anybody as attractive as you would ever be

I mean, you're not a guy, are you?

You're really bad at this, aren't you?

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Oh, thanks.

So that's a no on the whole guy thing. Yeah.

Well, I guess that fits taken care of. What do you want to do now?

Oh, it's getting late, you know, and I've got to give Tina her bath, help

with her homework. Plus, I'm sure Linda's itching to leave. Yeah, you're

Maybe we should go home.

Or...

the sign of a quality carpet.

Who would have thought an innocent game of strip pool could lead to this?

I did. I threw the game.

Man, what a night.

A sauna, a steak, champagne.

And we're not even through the S's.

Oh, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but Fitz is getting a divorce. It's the

best thing that ever happened to us.

Not a care in the world, our own place. It's like the 1986 Bill and Judy all

over again.

Yeah, before the kids, the mortgages, the debt.

You sure you want to get married?

This doesn't have to end. We have a key.

Which means we have our own little fun island we can come visit anytime we

not 1986 and we have a life. I mean, it may not be this, but it's a pretty damn

good one.

Hey, I'm not here for a few weeks, but you can leave a message.

Oh, hi, Linda. Bill and Judy gave me this number and I was wondering when

were coming home because Brian, get in the house.

I don't want to come in the house. I'm going to keep hitting me.

I promise you won't hit me up. I shall really take that.

No, no, no, no, no. Think about it, Judy. Would you rather be here or...

don't...

Easy. I tried calling you guys. I don't know. I guess I had the wrong number.

So, you're out late with Fit. Must have been a pretty rough night.

Yeah, well, some of it was rough. Some of it was very tender.

You're very, very good friends for going over there. And I gotta go make some

coffee.

Hey, Bill. You ready for work? Hey, you. Mr. Not coming home all night.

I don't mean to be indelicate, but, uh...

Any bouncy bouncy?

We just went up to Denise's place and talked. So is this the start of

Oh, no, it's just casual.

But she is great.

And she's got this cool job at the United Center where she gets tickets to

kinds of stuff. In fact, she wanted to invite all four of us to the bowl scheme

tonight. Floor seats.

Floor seats. More fun on the floor.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think we can leave the kids again.

Oh, come on. Come on, Judy. We've got to support Fitz in his new relationship.

she could come to her senses and dump him at any moment.

That's right, Judy.

Maybe one more night, as long as we can find someone to look after the kids.

Great. So you ready to go?

No, you go ahead. I got to change.

Just as well. I wanted to get there early and get some dating clothes.

Because if I'm going to work it, I got to dress it right.

Oh, is that fit?

Oh, yeah. Poor guy looks terrible up all night.

I'm just trying to think of a way to cheer him up.

Will, he does like basketball. Are the Bulls in town?

You know, I think they are. We could take him. Oh,

that would mean we'd have to find somebody to watch the kids.

All right, if Fitz needs me.

Oh, thanks. I promise this will be the last time.

Again?

Why do I have to involve you?

I listen.

Bill makes them laugh.

I promise this will be the last time.

He meets you again.

I don't think the man needs some professional help.

Hey, and I promise this is absolutely the last time we'll meet.

All right.

Why are you guys dressed up so nice?

Seems to cheer him up.

Sweet someone else's home.

Judy, I've been thinking.

We've really been avoiding our family these past few weeks.

Does that make us bad parents?

Okay, this is where you say no when we go eat steaks in the hot tub.

Oh, then no. Hell no.

Oh, hey. Oh, Fitz, we didn't know you were going to be here.

Not for long.

I'm going back home where I belong.

With Marion.

Marion?

But she's not as... Cool as Denise.

Or as fun as Fun Island.

Yeah, but Mary and I talked, and she's really changed.

Plus, we got a kid to think about.

Well, we have three, and you don't see us thinking about them.

Fitz, Fitz, you're making a big mistake.

I think I speak for everyone who's ever met Marion when I say she is a mean,

miserable shroom who spreads misery like a disease.

A really fun disease.

Oh, don't worry. I've said worse things about you.

Do you want to hear some of them?

Again, Marion, we're really sorry for what we said.

Well, what Bill said. Technically, I did not say it.

I know in the past I've been a little uptight, but I've been working on that.

And that's why Daniel, I mean Fitz and I, may have another chance.

From now on... on the Fitzsimmons household is going to be a fun place to

Even the bedroom.

I took a class.

Interesting. I got an A.

Well, we better get going then.

She got an A.

I'll say goodbye to Fun Island.

Still, we'll always have the photos.

We'll find a lab that'll print them.

I've got a big surprise.

I got four VIP seats for us to go see Aerosmith tomorrow night.

How'd you score those?

That concert's been sold out for months.

Oh, the tickets were easy. It was the backstage passes and after -party

It was a little tough.

Oh, my God! Denise!

Hey, guys, I forgot something.

Oh, hey, Denise.

I'm glad you're here. I got something I got to tell you. Not until I tell you

something.

Fitz, you can't tell her yet. She just got us four backstage passes for

Aerosmith tomorrow.

Bill, I'm trying to put my marriage back together.

I don't think a good first step would be dating another woman.

You don't know that for sure.

Marion took a class. Maybe she's into it.

Denise, I know this is kind of coming out of the blue, but I'm going back with

my wife.

Oh, that's sweet. I'm happy for you.

I know it's going to sound kind of selfish, but I was hoping you'd be a

more upset.

Oh, do you want me to try and work something up?

Nah, that's all right. Thanks.

Hey, Bill, could you give me a hand with that box?

Oh, so much for Aerosmith.

What? Why?

Oh, I go to these things all the time. I was only going because I had a date.

Well, we could find you another date.

Oh, it's easy for you to say. You already have a cute guy.

You want him?

But aren't you guys... No, no, it's just...

Casual. I mean, he's a really nice guy, but he wants to have kids, and I'm not

that into that.

I'll get someone else to go with. Okay, if you wouldn't mind.

Bill, guess what?

You're dating Denise.

Okay.

So, how do I look for my date?

You know nothing's going to happen, right?

The all -access path is just for the concert.

Last time I take my wife along on a date.

Unless... That's not happening on you.

Hi, Bill.

Hey, Denise.

Bill, why don't you go get us some beers?

Thanks again for letting me go with Bill.

This isn't going to be weird for you, is it? No, no, not at all. You guys are

going to have a great time. Plus, I know nothing will happen because you like to

take it slow.

Oh, that was with Fitz. But if Bill plays his cards right... He probably

play his cards right.

Keep our fingers crossed.

Keep everything crossed.

Oh, nice place.

Fitz has been staying here. Nobody invited me over.

Now, remember, Bill lives here with him, and I used to be dating him, but now

he's dating Denise, and we met online.

Okay. Like I need to get online to get my dates.

Whatever. I'm just happy we're going to see Destiny's Child.

Oh, yeah, about that.

We lied. We're seeing Aerosmith.

What?

No Beyonce?

If we told you the truth, you wouldn't have come.

Damn right, Aerosmith sucks.

Everybody, this is Mac.

Oh, hi, I'm Denise.

Belle, Mac.

I'm introducing you guys because you've never met.

Oh, yeah, hey, nice to meet you. You said they'd be Beyonce.

So I guess we should get going. Oh, you know what? There's no hurry. We can't go

until our limo gets here.

Tell you what, why don't you guys hang out here, and Bill's going to show me

view from the back balcony.

Well, I wanted to show Mac that view, too, so we'll go with you guys.

Oh, or you guys can look at the view, and Bill and I will go have some fun in

the game room.

Well, you got a game room you're going to invite me over?

Yeah, pretty.

You just met Bill tonight.

Oh, right, just in time for us to go see Air Supply.

Aerosmith. Same thing. They both suck.

Okay, there's something weird going on here.

What? No, no, no. If you two still have feelings for each other, we don't have

to go to this concert.

What? No.

I feel nothing for this man.

Zilch.

All right, I'm in. Sweet.

Oh, that must be the limo. Let's go. Come on. It'll be great.

Hi,

Billy. Are you surprised to see me?

Yes, because I have no idea who you are.

Janet, you need to come home and take care of your children.

You have kids?

You have kids?

What are you talking about, Mommy?

Now this is the show I want to see.

Dad, Scotty Fitzsimmons told us that his dad moved back home, so you have no

excuse to be here anymore.

Wait, hold on, hold on. You two have kids together?

They're married, and they have three kids that the state obviously should

taken away years ago.

Okay, we only pretended to be single to help Fitz meet someone.

But then it was so much fun, and it really helped our marriage to get away

our boring life and pretend that we didn't have you kids.

Don't take it personally.

How can we possibly take that personally?

Look, look, look. I know it sounds bad, but in the end, it was harmless. So who

really got hurt? I did. I did. So did I.

I'm not talking about getting ticked off. We're talking about real emotions

here. So who really got hurt? I did. Me. I did.

You know what? That's it. I am out of here.

Listen, are you married?

No, and I think you can see why.

Would you like to go see Aerosmith?

Yes, I would.

Thought you hated Aerosmith.

She gonna teach me to like him.

We're really sorry.

Let's just all go home and spend the night together as a family.

Wait, wait. There's no reason to go home. This place is awesome.

There's a giant plasma TV, a hot tub, a game room.

Really? Yeah. You know...

Your mother and I don't deserve to be here. Why don't you guys enjoy it while

go home and think about how selfish we've been?

Wait a minute, Bill. Judy, we should admit all our mistakes, not just admit

Admit two.

Wow. Oh, this is so great to be punished like this. Let's go home and be

punished, Bill.

Yep. Serve you right.

Okay, kid. Looks like it's just you and me again, right? Just like old... Excuse

me.

Wouldn't happen any other way.