Original subtitles

Hey, we're back. Hey, how was the museum?

I saw a bunch of really old fossils.

Wow, and they let you bring one home?

Tina knew so much about the dinosaurs and the mummies. It really surprised me

how smart she is, given this.

Twelve miners pulled from shaft.

Pulled from shaft.

Yeah, we know Tina's smart. She's doing great in school. Have you had her tested

to see if she should be in one of those accelerated programs?

Oh, I don't know, Linda. I don't want to put that much pressure on my kids.

That's why we said no when that fancy private school tried to recruit Brian.

Wait, what?

Judy, I was a gifted child, and nobody ever encouraged me. Tina deserves

A private school tried to recruit me?

Relax, Brian.

We also didn't let your sister audition for the Fine Arts Academy, and they

practically begged us.

What?

They were full up.

Parking down there was crazy.

All

I

have to say, it's nice to have a romantic date night every now and then.

And it's nice for me that you think eating tacos in a parking lot is

What can I say? It takes me back to my wedding night.

Well, what is going on downstairs?

I'm sorry. Parking lot tacos were a mistake.

I mean, in the basement.

I'll go check it out.

Your mom wants you to keep it down. What are you kids up to down here?

Oh, uh, we're playing Dark Lord. It's a board game based on the social hierarchy

of feudal society.

So it's not just a board game. It's a board -out -of -your -mind game.

Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Brian and Lauren's friends are down there. I told a joke and

cracked them up.

Really? That's odd.

Why? Normal girls don't like Brian's friends, and no kids like your jokes.

What's this doing back up? I just knocked it down.

Don't you see? Since we won't give them a key to the lock, they've set up a

parent alarm.

We knock it over, they know we're coming, they have time to hide

going on. How stupid do they think we...

Hi again.

Hi.

What are you guys doing back down here?

Well, your father said you were having so much fun down here, I thought I'd

check it out for myself.

I hope I didn't interrupt you when I kicked the bucket.

Okay, that is not funny at all. What is going on down here?

Nothing, okay? Me and my girlfriends were upstairs and we heard Brian and his

friends having so much fun that we decided to join them.

I mean, what's so weird about that?

That girls are having fun with Brian and his friends.

No offense.

A lot taken.

Why do you guys always have to assume that we're doing something wrong, okay?

We're not getting into trouble. Can you give us some credit, please?

Geez.

Well, maybe you're right.

Sorry we bothered you.

conducting an experiment.

Oh, to see how stupid your parents are?

We can explain, all right?

The only reason that those were there is because we were going to play spin the

bottle. Oh.

Then go ahead. Play spin the bottle.

Anyone got a mint?

Grounded for two months.

No stereo, no TV, no phone. And you can forget about... No internet, no car,

no money for clothes.

Hey, hey, hey. I want to take stuff away, too.

Go ahead, go ahead. And you're not allowed to have... laughter.

You can't take away laughter.

Trust me, he can.

I didn't know my friends were bringing alcohol.

And we didn't drink anything. Only because we came home early. And it's a

thing we did. You had warm beer, cheap vodka, and wine coolers. What do you

think?

Everybody knows it's liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never

sicker.

Of course, whiskey is risky, but it makes the ladies frisky.

Bill, we're trying to teach them not to drink, not how to drink.

You're right. That was dumb.

Like mixing wine and rum.

Go think about that.

Hello, Judy.

Kathy. Tad.

Matthew Luke Halverson, you are in a boatload of trouble, Mr. A. Boatload!

And this summer, you can forget all about marionette camp.

And? That's right. I don't think the other puppeteers want to share a booth

a booze hound.

Now, you go wait out in the car, Tommy Lee.

Thanks for calling. This is awful.

Well, what are you going to do? The kids are in an age where they're going to

experiment. I blame myself.

I'm afraid there's been times where Matt has seen me enjoy up to... two beers in

one sitting.

At Christmas time, I do enjoy my warm wassail.

I'm not sure what that has to do with drinking, but okay.

Look. It's time we all take responsibility for this. We need to set

example. Absolutely.

We need to be better role models. I couldn't agree more.

We need to stop drinking.

You need to go now.

No, I'm not talking about forever.

I'm just saying we need to show our kids that we can have fun without alcohol.

Well, I guess a few days couldn't hurt.

I was thinking more like a month. Okay, you really need to go now.

Thought about you all the way home.

What? Oh, hey.

You're going to get a kick out of this. I just got an email from the Halversons.

They actually got the other parents to agree to that no drinking thing.

Stupid Halversons. Acting like they're heroes for not drinking.

We could stop drinking if we wanted to.

What are you laughing at?

Um, you not drinking?

What's so funny about that? We could stop drinking for a month.

A month? You've got to be kidding me.

What's so funny?

Um, I have a joke for you. Mom and Dad, stop drinking for a month. The end.

Hey, hey, hey, you know I took away laughter. Be gone.

I can't believe those two. We could stop drinking for a month. We're not the

kind of people who need to drink to be happy. Yeah, we are happy.

We just drink to be happier.

Hey, what's going on? Oh, kids are giving us a hard time for some reason.

don't think we could stop drinking for a month.

I wonder what would give them that impression.

The fact that Brian's middle name is Hops?

Or that Lauren's middle name is Barley?

I'm not saying you guys drink too much, but you do tend to drink in front of

your children.

Bill, maybe we have been setting a bad example. Is that how our children think

of us? Judy, I can quit any time I want.

And I'm talking about letting that one into our house.

Kids, come in here, please. We've got to do this.

Your father and I have been talking it over, and we've decided to join the

parents and be good role models.

That's really not necessary.

Yeah, we gave up on you guys years ago.

We just picked our own new role models. You see, mine is the manager at the

clinic counter, and Brian's is the librarian from school.

Evelyn is firm, but fair.

Well, we're doing it anyway.

From now on, there's not going to be a single drop of booze in this house for

the next month.

Right, Bill? Right.

Yeah, now pour it out of the glass that's in the sink.

Pour it out of the cereal bowl.

Hey, buddy.

My new shipment of the international beers are in.

Ready to go around the world in 80 burps?

I told you there's no drinking in the house.

So you guys are really serious about this no drinking thing, huh? Yeah, these

past three weeks have been easier than I thought. I have more energy, I've saved

money, I've even gone down a whole belt notch.

You're back to the regular holes, not the ones you made with the barbecue for.

Ah, rough day.

Yeah. I need a little something to take the edge off.

Thank God I got my needle point.

Ah, that hits the spot.

Hey, I'm dropping mine off at dance practice.

You're not supposed to have beer in the house.

Oh, that's my fault, Brian. I brought them in. Your parents haven't touched a

drop.

You know, I've got to hand it to you guys. I didn't think you could do it,

you've really proved us wrong.

Yeah, we're really proud of you.

Wow, it felt weird coming out.

Since you're out of drinking shape, you better pace yourself at your Super Bowl

party on Sunday.

You're no drinking things over by then, right? Yeah, it ends this Saturday.

Um, actually, it'll be a month on Monday. That'll be 30 days.

Can't a month be 28 days?

A month can.

This month can't.

Yeah, but it's almost over. We're just a few days shy. It's a gimme, right?

Sure, whatever. We didn't think you could do it anyway.

There goes that feeling of pride.

Yvonne at the clinic counter said this was going to happen.

Bill, we need to stick this out. Otherwise, we're going to teach our

that it's impossible to have fun in this house without alcohol. No, we're not.

We're teaching them it's impossible to enjoy other people without alcohol.

Present company excluded.

No, I get it.

Quite miserable right now myself.

Especially at the thought of a dry Super Bowl party. Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

I'll still make my Super Bowl chili, and Bill will still do his famous halftime

dance. I do a dance?

Every year?

Yeah, right after the jello shots.

And before the tequila. What do I do after the tequila?

We made a pact that we would never talk about.

Hey, Jen. So what can I do you for?

Uh, mock gin and tonic, Virgin Mary, name your poison.

Rat. And make a double for yourself.

Wow, Bill.

You're mean sober.

Look, Dad, I know you didn't want to have a dry Super Bowl party, but it is

really cool that you're actually seeing this through.

Maybe next month you can give up stupid.

Well, my chili sucked.

Because I couldn't use my secret ingredient, beer.

You put beer in the chili?

No. People drink beer and then they don't notice that my chili sucks.

Where the hell's my needle point?

Hey, thanks again for throwing this alcohol -free party. I, for one, am high

being dry.

I would like to be drunk.

I know it doesn't rhyme, but it's just the way I feel right now.

To reward everybody, Ted and I made gifts for all the parents.

The Sober Bowl. Get it?

Yeah. Enjoy the chili.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, man, we wouldn't miss Bill's big Super Bowl bash.

Where's the keg?

Oh, didn't Fitz tell you there is no keg?

Seriously, dog, where's the keg?

That's right, amigos.

Bill's hosting a drive party to set a good example for the kids.

Oh, hey, that's cool, Bill.

Let's roll. Yeah. What?

You're already here.

Yeah, yeah, we got T -shirts, we got Arnold Palmers. Ted, Ted, you're not

helping.

Just give it a shot. Come on. The game's already started.

All right.

I'll stay just to see you do your halftime dance.

Man, I wait all year for that.

What is this dance I do?

I'm just going to get some pop.

Hey, Fitz. What are you doing?

Fitz, I told you no beer in the house.

Well, technically, I'm under the house.

It's one beer.

One beer. But don't tell anyone else.

Gotcha. Just one more beer.

Hey, Judy, you need some help with those... Hey, you got beer.

Hey, Mac, you can't come down here, too.

Oh, Judy, I thought you were cool.

I am cool.

Okay, fine. But after this one, you both come back upstairs.

Hey, you want to pull for the road?

No, I can't. Nah, take a pull.

Really, I can't. Oh, take a pull. Judy, take a pull.

No, I...

My kids said I wouldn't. I'm Judy.

My kids had a beer party. I said, no, I can't drink. They the balls of me. I got

to do whatever they... I can't believe I broke my

promise to my kids.

Hey, I'm sorry, Judy. We shouldn't have asked you to do... Hang on, hang on.

Beats the crap out of needlepoint.

Where are the sodas?

Oh, I forgot.

I'll go back down in a minute.

You know, Judy, I couldn't have made it through this party without you. You're

my rock.

You filthy, lying drunk.

You had beer.

Something light and crisp.

A lager.

Okay, your buddies have beer in the basement.

And I didn't want a drink, but they told me I wasn't cool before I had you.

I'm going down there to give them a... peace of my mind. I'd like to see him

and get me to drink.

Oh, I almost forgot my mug.

What's the mug for?

Chili.

My chili mug.

See, it's chili.

One beer.

Do you people hear me? One beer. Keep your voices down.

Don't worry, Judy. I got this whole thing under control.

Who's going to tell them?

You going to tell them?

Narc.

I am not a narc.

Would a narc do this?

Where did all the other parents go?

Maybe they went out to get some decent chili.

We made a promise to our children.

You're going back on it.

This type of behavior is exactly... There you go, bud.

Thank you.

Hey, that's beer. I didn't want to drink... Where's this from?

It's Norwegian.

Son of a bitch, that's good.

Dad!

I didn't want to drink it, but the cigar smoke was...

Um, where'd all the parents go?

I think the real question is, who cares?

Oh, wow. What a pass.

Touchdown!

Did that come from the basement?

Locked. Locked?

It's weird. The door's never locked.

Hello?

downstairs? We're just watching the game down in the cellar like they did in the

olden days.

So why aren't you guys upstairs watching the game on the big TV?

Yeah. What's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, my God. Is that a beer bottle?

Look, I know we said this party was going to be alcohol -free, as this house

been for the last month, but your mother came down here to get some more soda,

and she found some beer.

Oh, my God.

All right, I'm sorry. They were just left over from the last party.

What? Were you...

Until we were 21?

And we feel just awful, especially since you guys have worked so hard not to

drink all month.

Yes, we did, and we are very disappointed.

Very.

I'm so disappointed, I might throw up.

Okay, you kids go on up there. The adults have some things we need to

Well, I think we just learned something very important from those kids.

Yes. There's more beer down here. Fan out.

Okay, Brian, I know you learned a lot from this whole experience, but I just

want to go through it one more time.

Do we have to? Yes, it's very important.

It's something a son should learn from his father, and, you know, maybe one day

you'll pass it on to your son.

Fine.

More elbows.

More elbows.

Come on, don't be afraid to bounce.

It's a Super Bowl, not a funeral.

That's it. Now, big finish.

Cause you make me