Original subtitles

Oh, thanks, Beverly.

We're so looking forward to it. I'm so happy you called.

Okay, bye.

Damn, why did I pick up the phone?

Judy, how many times do I have to tell you, when you pick up the phone, you've

got to talk to people. And what do we hate? People.

Especially my boss and his wife, who just invited us over for dinner next

weekend. Just bought a new player piano.

Hold on to your straw hat.

He's going to sing.

Songs he wrote himself.

Ragtime.

Crap.

Hello. Hey, what's in the box?

Oh, well, honey, gotta warn you, it's something you might find just a little

upsetting.

Chopped up your fiancé into tiny little pieces so he'd never leave you.

I'm never telling you any of my dreams again.

I'm sorry, what's in there?

This is Mom's beautiful wedding dress. She has offered to let me get married in

it. Really? That's great.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. Now, I know she didn't offer it to you when you got married,

but I'm hoping you can look past your hurt and let me store it over here so

Perry doesn't see it. I'm not hurt, Linda. Mom believes you deserve this,

do I.

You don't have to hide your bitterness, Judy.

I'm happy for you, Linda. I'm not jealous.

Ooh.

Hey, a lot of rage in there, Judy.

You probably shouldn't take it out on me just because Mom loves me more.

Gosh, did I say that out loud? Mom loves me more?

Or if she does love me more, Mom loves me more.

to finish up my history project and then we're going to meet some friends at the

Tom Tom room. Okay, see ya.

Hold on.

What's the Tom Tom room?

Uh, it's that under 21 club that you said I could go to. Okay, bye now.

I never said you could go to an under 21 club.

Uh, yeah, you did, Mom.

Oh, you probably just don't remember because you've got so much on your mind.

mean, you're such a busy woman. I mean, the house, work, the kids.

You know, I don't know how you do it. Personally, you're my hero. Okay, see

in 11 minutes. Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

you are too young to go to a club with 20 -year -old guys. We'll talk about it

next year. But, Mom... Your father and I feel very strongly about this.

We feel strongly about what?

Lorne wants to go to an under -21 club.

Wow, that sounds like fun. Be home by midnight.

You said no!

And we meant it. No club.

Fine, I'm gonna call Becca and tell her I have the worst parents ever. Don't

forget to tell her I'm your hero.

Hey, guys.

So, there's a great picture... In today's Rogers Park Courier, Lauren

her dad roll out the fun at the father -daughter skate -a -thon.

That's not me.

Yeah, that's what makes it a great picture.

Lauren, who is this very handsome man who obviously is not your father?

Beckett's stepdad. He took us both to the skate -a -thon.

Why didn't you ask your dad?

Oh, Judy, she did me a favor. I got credit for going, and geez, look at me.

a stone -cold fox.

See, Mom, I didn't do anything wrong. You can trust me. I'm a good kid.

You're not going to the town -town room. I hate this house! It's like a prison!

This house is not like a prison.

Although there was a time you'd have sex with me for a pack of cigarettes.

Well, it really bothers me that she didn't invite you to this father

thing. It's like you never do anything together anymore.

That's not true. Just this morning, we had a nice talk about her future.

I told her to get the hell out of the bathroom. She said she was leaving the

house as soon as she turned 18.

And I thought that couldn't come soon enough.

Despite that very sweet moment, you need to spend quality time together.

Yeah, Judy's right.

You know, a girl's relationship with her father is very important at this age.

Yeah, when I was a kid, my father and I had a great relationship.

One Sunday a month, he would take me out for breakfast. Made me feel like a

princess. Well, Dad took you out for breakfast?

He never did anything with me. He did. I remember him taking you out every

Saturday. To physical therapy to get my duck feet straightened.

Well, he was there to support you.

Judy, he dropped me off and go to a bar and then quack at me on the ride home.

Well, my point... is when I became a teenager, my father and I drifted apart,

and that's when I started getting into trouble and hanging out with the wrong

kind of guys.

Hey, that's when you met me.

And I don't regret it, but you might not want our daughter doing the things we

did. Fine, I'll spend some time with my daughter so she won't end up like you.

It's all a mask.

How's school?

Fine. Good.

And whatever it is you do after school?

Watching TV till dinner. Yeah, how's that going?

Fine. Good.

Good.

Good.

How do you think they make these?

I don't know, with a...

Cup maker?

Probably.

Yeah, well, it's been fun. Maybe we should go now.

Look, this is important to your mother, so we've got to give it a chance.

There's got to be something we can talk about.

How do you think they make these?

Hey, Lauren.

Mr. Miller.

Hey, guys. What are you guys doing here?

Seeing a movie. What are you doing?

I'm having dinner with my dad.

Are you being punished?

No.

We're having a father -daughter night.

I had a father -daughter night with my dad once.

That's when he told me he was leaving my mom for my soccer coach.

Well, have fun.

Tell you what, why don't you go hang out with your friends?

Really? I mean, what are you going to do? Well, you know what? There's a game

on. I can go watch it at the Sharper Image in the massage chair while I'm

trimming my nose hairs and playing with a boxing robot.

And all it cost me is a few hours of dirty luck.

Wouldn't Mom be mad that we're not hanging out together?

Well, we'll still be under the same roof. Besides, she doesn't need to know.

So we're going to keep it a secret.

Oh, don't be silly.

We're going to lie to her.

Daddy, I love you. I love you too, pumpkin.

Oh, Tina, you shouldn't fill up on pudding before dinner. It'll ruin your

appetite. What's for dinner?

Well... I still have to go to the store and shop and, uh... Yeah, you know what?

Fill up on the pudding.

What are you doing?

Airing out Aunt Linda's wedding dress.

It's pretty. Can I try it on?

No, no. The only one who gets to wear this is your Aunt Linda.

Mom, is there something you want to tell me? And if there is, I hope you're

marrying up.

Come on, be my groom.

And a serial killer was born.

I just wanted to see what I looked like in Aunt Linda's dress, and now that I

know I look fabulous, I can take it off. Oh, the shoes are pinching me.

Oh, and please don't tell Aunt Linda I did this.

Um, it might be kind of hard to keep that a secret.

Why? You gotta...

I think it's chocolate pudding, but you know what it kind of looks like? I know

what it looks like!

Linda has this crazy notion that I'm jealous. She's never going to believe

was an accident.

She might believe you had an accident.

She's making it worse.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Oh, I'll take it to the dry cleaner in the mall. They're the ones that got the

grass stains out of my wedding dress.

You had grass stains on your wedding dress? You two are disgusting.

Oh, please.

Your father and I are an animal.

I just got really drunk at the reception and fell down a bunch of times.

Sorry, my lady.

I had fun tonight. Yeah, fake father -daughter night was a blast.

Wait, so what did we do tonight?

Uh, you saw some movie and I watched a great game and got kicked out of the

sharper image for getting pizza on their precious massage chair.

No, I mean, what are we going to tell Mom?

Oh, right.

Well, we did have dinner at the food court, and after, we'll say we went to

candy barrel. Great. Okay, what did we get? We have many details, and if Mom

doesn't believe us, she's going to make us do this again.

Fine. I got some sour balls, and you got fudge.

Sour balls?

What are you, 80?

Okay, I got gummy fish, you got the fudge, and we got Mom peanut brittle,

then we dropped it in the parking lot, so it was too gross to give her, so you

ate it yourself.

That is exactly what I would do.

And your mother thinks we don't know each other.

Hey. Hey, guys, how was your night? Great. Great, Mom. What'd you do?

Well, we had dinner at the food court in the mall, and after, we went to the

candy barrel.

Well, I thought the candy barrel went out of business last month.

Dad,

you mean the cookie corner.

He gets them confused.

Oh, what kind of cookies did you get?

Uh, sour balls. Cookies.

And I got the oatmeal raisin. And then we got you a peanut butter, but we

dropped it in the parking lot, so Dad ate it.

Sounds like your father.

Yes, it does.

I love this kid.

See, I knew this father -daughter thing was gonna be great. Feel free to tell me

I was right. A lot.

Don't take away your fun of reminding me.

Oh, that's... true. Speaking of reminding, don't forget we have my

party next weekend.

Oh, that ragtime thing.

I know, but my boss really wants us to come, and it's just one miserable Friday

out of your life.

Oh, did you say Friday?

Yeah. It's just, Lauren and I are going out.

Again? Yeah, yeah. We decided to make this father -daughter thing every Friday

night. Oh!

But I'll just bail on her. Maybe we can pick it up another time. No, no. If you

cancel on her, then she'll cancel on you, and you'll never get back to it

I'll just go to Dr. Gerber's ragtime thing on my own. Or maybe you could take

Brian. Oh, good idea. He likes things that suck.

What? I don't like things that suck.

How would you like to hear some ragtime? Oh, ragtime? You betcha.

So, what are you doing tonight?

I'm just going to hang out with Becca, Kristen, and Amy. Maybe do some

Yep. Well, I know we've been lying to your mom about what we've been doing

past few weeks, so I thought tonight maybe we could actually spend some

time together.

You know, sharing our feelings.

I'm just kidding.

Quality time.

You should have seen your face.

Look, I'm really glad we decided to make this a regular thing. Oh, you're

telling me. First I got out of Dr.

Gerber's old -time nightmare.

Yeah, and then last week we got out the door just as Grandma was coming in.

Another old -time nightmare.

I'm really starting to cherish the time we're not spending together.

Me too.

Well, I better go meet Kristen Beck and Amy. Bye.

All right, then. Give my best to Krusty, Barbie, and Archie.

Hi. Can I get a free sample, please?

Weren't you here just a few minutes ago?

It's not for me. It's for my little girl.

Here you go, sweetie.

Judy, what are you doing here?

Picking up Linda's stupid wedding dress from the dry cleaners. I hope they got

that stain out.

Where's Laura?

She is...

In the bathroom.

She might be a while. She's probably in there doing lady stuff.

So what are you guys doing later?

Well, there's a game on, but we weren't going to watch that.

That's for sure. We talked about going downtown to this fancy new

ice cream place.

Dumb bars?

Sure. Oh, I've been dying to go there.

Tell you what. I'm going to drop the dry cleaning off at the house, and then

I'll meet you guys there around nine.

Gotcha.

Hey,

Brian, Aunt Linda's trying on her wedding dress. When she comes down, tell

how beautiful she looks. She doesn't know anything about the stain.

Oh, so the cleaner's got it out?

No, no, but I fixed it so you could barely notice.

Oh, Linda, you look so pretty, doesn't she, Brian?

Yeah, you look... Whoa!

I remember this bow being back here.

Really? Because I think it makes the dress, don't you, Brian?

It drew my eye.

It's kind of in a weird place, don't you think?

No, you know what? You just have to get used to it. Why don't you just walk

around a little?

What's the matter, Mom? They didn't have any bigger bows like the kind you put

on a new car?

I didn't know what else to do. Oh, my God, I don't believe it. Tina left her

pudding here again.

Nipped off the bow.

Looks better, don't you think? I couldn't really see what I was doing

What?

What, did I knit the fabric?

No, no, it looks great.

And that's putting it nicely.

These shoes are killing me.

God, I'm on my narrow feet.

Yes, it's one of the worst things I've ever seen in this house.

And I've seen some bad things.

I've got to get this out.

How would you like a motorcycle?

Hey, hey, I know you. You're Lauren's friend, Crystal or Christy or Christmas.

It's Kristen.

I've known you since I was five.

Yeah, yeah, a lot of memories. Where's Lauren?

Uh... Isn't she supposed to be with you guys?

Uh, we got bored, so we ditched her, right?

Really? Yeah, that's what happened.

That's odd, because she said you were the boring one.

She did?

That is so mean.

You know, she and Beck are at the Tom Tom room. That dance club, she lied to

I'm gonna kill her. Oh, by the way, she didn't say you were boring, but way to

be a friend.

I can't believe you'd betray my trust.

You ruined the nice thing we had going on.

You mean scamming Mom?

Yes.

You took our beautiful lie and turned it into something ugly.

I'm sorry.

You know, it was okay that we weren't hanging out together when I was in on

but this made it feel like you were playing me, like you were blowing me

I only blew you off this one time.

Well... Well what?

Nothing.

Well, actually, it was twice. There was that father -daughter skating thing at

school. I thought you didn't care about that.

Maybe I do.

How come you didn't invite me to that?

Well, I started to, but you were watching this Bulls game, and the other

scored, and you made me leave because you said I was bad luck.

I did that?

I am so sorry.

It's all right. No, no, it's not.

Your mother was right. I've really been neglecting our relationship.

Now you're running off to some club. I need to be more involved in your life.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. From now on, I'm going to every father -daughter event at

your school.

Okay.

You know, next week there's a father -daughter square dance.

Okay. I am there.

I'm kidding.

Oh, thank God.

You should have seen your face.

But it's sweet that you would have done it for me.

So are you going to tell Mom on me?

No.

But for your punishment, we're really going to have a father -daughter night.

Maybe we should try some of those things that we lied to Mom about.

Yes.

We had some pretty good pretend times.

You know, I really would like to try that new ice cream place downtown.

Oh, yeah, Dunbar's. Yeah, somebody else was talking about that.

You were supposed to meet your mom there two hours

ago.

Look, don't panic, okay?

Good with coming up with lies. Now, why are we late?

We stopped for sour ball cookies.

You know what?

I'll do the talking.

What's in the box?

Linda's wedding dress. She's coming by to pick it up. We finally got that thing

out.

Looks nice.

Here's

my

beautiful wedding dress.

Okay, so tell Judy thanks a million.

No one is opening this box till my wedding day.

Wouldn't have it.