Original subtitles

Oh, Bill, put that can of cheese down.

When was the last time you ate a piece of fresh fruit?

I had raspberries for breakfast.

Those were crunch berries.

Oh, I did my crunches, too.

Hello, uh, everybody. I, uh, I have some bad news. Now, I know you all liked

her, but Emily broke up with me.

Oh, it's like losing a member of the family.

Who's Emily?

Brian, are you okay?

Yeah, I guess.

And to think I just bought us tickets to go see Mamma Mia.

The ABBA musical?

Oh, that's why she broke up with you?

No. No, no, I'll go with you. I love ABBA.

Really? That'd be great. And you know, I heard that we have a heartwarming story

around 22 of their biggest hits.

Ben, what are you doing when you talk about musicals around me?

Killing you.

How? Slowly.

one of these plastic surgery makeover shows, what would you want done?

X -ray vision.

I don't think they do that.

Oh, well, then just an eye lift.

I tend to look a little sleepy all the time.

Hey, Fitz.

Bill, I have to work Saturday, so you're going to have to go to Tina's recital

for me.

Oh, Judy, I was just at one of Tina's recitals last month.

You're going, and you're going to videotape it for me. Did you get the

camera fixed?

Uh... Oh, crap!

Bill, why do I have to tell you a hundred times just to do one small

So you do admit that it's partly your fault.

Oh, now we'll never have it fixed in time. It's Tina's last recital. She has

solo. You know, I got a camcorder. I could go with Bill and tape it for you.

Really? Are you sure you don't have anything better to do?

Well, Marion wants me to spend the day scrapbooking with her, so, uh, no.

Or hell no.

Really, your choice.

Hello, Marion.

Judy. We were just talking about you.

Oh, really?

No, we weren't.

Would you like to come in?

No, thank you. I just came by looking for my husband.

I was just wondering where the ice cream is that I sent you out to get two hours

ago.

Right here.

Oh, by the way, Marion, I can't scrapbook with you on Saturday because

to go with Bill to videotape Tina's dance recital. Well, I guess as long as

you're doing something for somebody's family.

I guess we better get this on ice, huh?

Bill? Judy?

She should just put the ice cream in her lap. It'll freeze solid on her way

home.

I don't get those two.

You know, this is so laid back, and she's such a freak about her perfect

and her precious ornamental towel.

Ooh, the towel incident. That was ugly.

did was wipe off my hands and she went crazy on me. Who puts towels in the

bathroom and doesn't expect them to get a little dirty?

That's why whenever I use the bathroom at Fitz's house, I never wash my hands.

Kidding.

I wash them in the fish tank and dry them on the dog.

I don't want to sound insensitive, but those kids stunk.

There are only four.

And will they dance like there's three?

Oh, oh, I think Tina's up next.

And now, our eight -year -old ballerinas will perform an excerpt from The Dance

of the Hours.

We should have Tina invite that tall one over for a play date.

Their instructor, Miss Stephanie, is performing the role of the Fairy Queen.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, best recital ever.

That's it? It's over?

Yeah, Tina was adorable.

You got it, didn't you? One more time. Who's with me?

Tina! Tina!

Tina!

Tina! Tina!

Daddy,

can I see myself on the tape?

Barely.

What it means is you gotta wait a couple hours after you eat before you watch

yourself on tape or you'd get a cramp.

Oh, it's everything.

That's why you never see me doing anything after I eat. Oh, yeah. Okay.

All right, let's see if I got any Tina at all.

Now, there's Tina.

And then... That's not Tina.

Still not Tina.

Wow. Those are definitely not Tina.

Oh, oh, oh! There's Tina's elbow.

Back to Miss Stephanie.

Makes you glad you're alive.

We're out. Well, we'll just erase the evidence and blame the battery. Hit

rewind.

Wow, she even looks hot going backwards.

Hey, what are you two up to? Nothing.

What are you doing home already?

Oh, they let me off early.

Oh, is that the videotape of Tina's recital? Yeah, the tape kind of got

up. Oh, look, fine, let it play. No, no, no, Judy, this is a digital camera.

We'd have to redigilate it before it can be seen by the human eye.

Oh, look at Miss Stephanie. She is so pretty.

Really? I don't see it.

Still Miss Stephanie.

More Miss Stephanie.

Oh, there's Tina.

Lie to Miss Stephanie.

Check out Tina's bow.

That's it?

That's all you got of Tina? You missed her entire solo. Judy, I know you're mad

and I know what you're thinking.

How could I have trusted Fitz to hold the camera? You're the master.

Well, thanks a lot, Fitz.

I told Tina I was going to watch her. Now how am I supposed to tell her that I

can't? Yeah, Fitz, tell us, please.

Please.

Sorry, I guess I just couldn't keep the camera off that pretty Miss Stephanie.

Because I'm a pig.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to lie and tell Tina that I saw her.

I'm going upstairs.

Fitz, try and resist the urge to take me.

Thanks a lot. Now Judy thinks I'm a perv. Hey, I got you out of

I'd say we're even. I guess. We've got a nice little arrangement here. I can lie

for you, you can lie for me, and our wives never find out because they hate

other.

All because of a little ornamental towel.

That towel's cleaned up a lot of messes.

I love that towel.

Come on, tell me.

No, it's a surprise.

What's going on?

Aunt Linda bought us tickets to another musical tonight, and she won't tell me

which one.

Is it the annoying one where they sing everything?

Okay, I'll give you a hint. You have the T -shirt.

Uh, Les Mis. No.

Um, hairspray. No.

Uh, lacage. Oh, no, wait, no, that's a tank top.

Goodbye, girls. It's a goodbye girl.

Thanks for ruining it, Bill.

And thanks for ruining him.

Game looks great on your TV, Fitz.

It's like I really am a beautiful, busty woman killing people.

Coasters. Marion doesn't like us drinking beer in here.

And use your nut plate.

She barely lets me have nuts in the house.

Apparently.

Oh, man. Oh, my turn.

Now, you ready, gorgeous?

We're about to do a little running.

Right to the waterfall.

Oh, your T -shirt got wet.

Mac, you really need to meet a woman.

Hey, I'm not the one zoomed in on this kid's dance teacher.

Hey, you didn't see Miss Stephanie.

Yeah. Here, check her out.

Sorry, the screen's a little smudged because I've been kissing it.

Damn. See?

Well, I mean, damn.

Hey, whose elbow is that?

My kid's. It'll be gone in a second.

Pause it right there. Pause it. Pause it. Can't find the right button there.

It's the green one. Oh, thanks, Mary.

Hi,

honey.

You're home early.

And a good thing.

Wouldn't want to miss the big stag party.

William. Maxwell.

Hi, Mary.

So, I guess this is why you couldn't scrapbook with me on Saturday.

You were off filming some little Pop -Tart. Now you're showing it to your

pervert buddies.

Well, thanks for the nuts.

Which I didn't eat.

Not without a nut plate.

Daniel?

I taped it.

Pretty thing came twirling by, and I just couldn't take my eyes off her.

Frankly, I don't know how Judy puts up with me.

Well, she must be an incredibly forgiving person. Oh, she is.

You know, when I saw her the other day, it made me think how close we used to

be. I should give her a call.

What? Yeah, I remember why we had that silly falling out.

Towels.

Oh, yes, my towels.

You remember?

She ruined him with her filthy, dirty hands.

Your antique fingertip towels? You couldn't replace that one she ruined.

broke up the set.

That's right. She broke up the set, your heart, your friendship. There's no

healing that. No healing that.

Ever.

I guess you're right.

Wow, that was close.

Oh, jeez. Did I just step on a cashew?

for tonight.

Wow, who's the lucky guy?

Okay, all set, ready to go.

Oh, you look sharp.

Thanks, you too. Oh, I forgot the tickets. I'll be right back.

Wow, it's great that you and Brian have been spending so much time together.

Yeah, isn't it?

Yeah, but there's only one tiny little problem. You see, you're dating your

nephew.

Seeing a few shows, having a couple laughs, talking on the phone. Oh, my

we're dating.

Well, you're just in time. Prom's coming up.

All set, shall we?

Ryan, sit down. We have to talk.

All right, but we might be late for dinner, and I was hoping to get a table

the piano.

Listen, I have loved hanging out. out with you, but, you know, ever since

broke up with you, without knowing it, you've sort of made me your girlfriend.

What? Think about it. You know, the plays, the dinners, that carriage ride.

Oh, my God.

Brian, it's all right. You've developed a little crush on your aunt. It's

perfectly natural. Where? In countries where they don't have enough people?

Come on, look, I know we're not really dating, but... That doesn't mean I'm not

your ideal of an intelligent, attractive... I think you're going to be

Oh, oh, yeah.

You could do a whole lot worse than me, mister.

I don't know who you're talking to, but no, he couldn't.

Hey, Judy, Mary. Ah, what are you doing here?

Well, you left my house in such a hurry yesterday, you forgot your scarf.

Thanks, Marion.

I just hate that you had to come over here.

I just hate it.

We've actually been having a lovely time catching up.

Well, you've got a lot to catch up on. I mean, who knows what topics could come

up. Judy, can I see you in the kitchen?

Excuse me.

What's up?

You know how I told you that Fitz made the tape at Tina's recital?

Yeah. Well, I've got to come clean with you about something.

We told Marion that I did it.

Did you?

No, of course not.

No, no, no, that's the lie.

That I just did to cover for Fitz.

Why would you take the blame for Fitz?

Because you know Marianne. She's such a wifey wife.

You know, not like you. You're a guy's wife. You're cool. You get it.

Well, I try.

Thanks for noticing.

So, uh, you'll play along?

Sure. I'm cool with that. You're the best.

Psst, Bill.

and left me a note that she's over here with Judy.

This could be a disaster.

All taken care of, my friend. I sorted everything out. So you told Judy that it

was really you that made the tape?

Oh, God, no.

She still thinks you did it. She's just not going to say anything to Marion.

I think we'd better get in there.

Hey, Marion, I got your note that you were over here.

Well, let's get going.

Oh, no, Judy and I are enjoying our chat.

Yeah, we have so much to catch up on. I bet you do. You know, the kids, the

weather.

What else?

Oh, gosh, yeah, that day Judy ruined your towel.

That's all water under the bridge.

But no amount of water could get out that stain.

I'm sure you managed to replace the towel, right? I couldn't.

They were handmade by my grandmother.

It was the last set she embroidered before she went blind.

Again, I'm really, really sorry about that.

That's all right.

Although a handwritten apology note would have been nice. Did we get one of

those, honey?

No. No, and it would have been appreciated.

Well, in all fairness, as your guest, I'd appreciate a hand towel I could

actually use.

Sorry for stirring that pot.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be your friend.

I felt a little sorry for you, what with Bill's wandering eye. Oh, Bill's

wandering eye? You know what? I can't do this. Oh, sure you can, because you're

cool.

My husband wasn't the one checking out the tutus. It was yours.

Bill's just covering for Fitz.

Look, everybody, it's snowing. Let's make angels.

Come on.

Daniel, is this true?

Bill made the tape. I know we've lied about it a hundred times, but that's the

God's honest truth. He did it.

Yes, I did it.

You really did it, didn't you?

Yeah.

Can I see you in the kitchen?

Sure.

Get the hell in the kitchen.

It was you, wasn't it? You've been lying to me this whole time.

It was a small lie. It would have made you angry. I was really just protecting

your feelings.

You were protecting your feelings. Don't you care about my feelings?

Bill, I believed you. I made a fool of you. lot of myself in front of old fancy

pants in there.

Listen, we can hear you out there, and some of us have to sleep with old fancy

pants.

Sorry, we'll try and keep it down. Thanks.

You know what, Bill? I don't care that you were looking at another woman. What

bothers me is I had to work all day Saturday, and I couldn't count on you to

this one little thing.

There's only one, Judy. I can't be everywhere.

Hey, Mom, I'm going to the mall. I'm going to return that sweater you got on

Saturday. Oh, thanks, honey.

Saturday? Wait a minute. I thought you were at work on Saturday.

You know what, Bill? I forgive you. Go, Lauren, go.

It turns out there is more than one Judy.

There's working Judy, shopping Judy, and lying sack of duty Judy.

All right.

They let me off early.

and instead of going to Tina's recital, I went shopping, but only because I

thought my husband was taping it for me. Well, the great thing is, we're both

gigantic liars. At the end, it all turned out fine, and the only one who

hurt was Tina.

I guess.

Do you feel better?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So that's it?

You guys come clean and it's all okay all of a sudden?

Yeah, we might lie to each other and stab each other in the back. And make

at each other's expense.

But in the end, it doesn't really matter because we got a good marriage.

You know what?

Excuse me.

Marion, we need to talk.

About what?

About our marriage.

Bill and Judy made me realize we need to learn to communicate better.

Well, that's exactly what I want.

Great, because...

You know, sometimes I feel like I can't be completely honest with you. That's

just silly. You don't have to keep things from me.

Oh, good.

Because, you know, who cares if I really get off work at 5, even though I've

been telling you 6 for years so I could have a couple of beers, you know?

Have a little fun before I have to come home to you.

Oh, yeah.

And I am allowed to take calls from you at work. There's no rule.

God, this feels good.

And that heart murmur that keeps me from making love to you?

It's not real.

I could go all night long.

Yeah, well, theoretically.

Well, I guess as long as we're talking about lies, I've got one for you.

Our marriage.

Oh, that was weird.

She seemed mad.

Don't worry.

It's going to be a whole new beginning for you two.

Once Marion goes home and digests it...

In the end, it'll all be fine.

It's just a trial separation.

She'll take some time, digest it. It'll all work out fine.

Okay, Fitz, divorce is like a whole new beginning.

But once you digest it, you'll find that you... Just shut up.

Okay, we should probably get going before I start thinking about an hour.

Hey.

Hi.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

So what are you up to?

Um, actually, Lauren and I are just about to go down to the theater and then

grab a bite to eat at, uh...

We'll have fun. Okay.

Brian!

Take care of you.

Thanks.

You too.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Cause you make me happy.