Original subtitles

Oh, does your side still hurt you? No, no, I'm fine.

Why are you taking off your jacket so slow?

Slow or sexy.

Oh, honey, will you help me get down the food processor, unless it's going to

hurt you too much?

Please, I laugh in the face of pain.

Okay, I have an appointment with Dr. Holden on Friday. I'll see if he can fit

you in, too. Okay, honey, if it makes you feel better, I'll go. But there's

nothing wrong with me.

Daddy's home!

We can take her to the doctor, too.

Oh, he was very thorough.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I cheated on you.

Sometimes people are misled by my gentle hand.

As far as your lateral pain, it looks like it's just probably a pulled muscle.

You're going to have to take it easy for a few days. Oh, that might be a

problem, Doctor. I don't think he really could take it any easier.

I'm talking about Bill lying down whenever he can.

No carrying groceries, no taking out the trash, no physical exercise.

So am I.

Thank you, Lila.

Okay, cholesterol results.

Miller, Bill.

According to these numbers, you've got LSOB syndrome.

LSOB? What's that?

A man with your eating habits and cholesterol this good, it means you won

SOB.

I like that one.

Not you, young lady.

Your cholesterol's through the roof.

What? My cholesterol's higher than his, but I exercise all the time. And the way

he eats, he's more pizza than husband.

I'm sorry, a lot of it's heredity.

Ha -ha.

Want another prostate exam?

Maybe.

I can't believe you're the one stuck on a heart -smart diet.

Helps with blows.

Look at this. Soy bacon, soy chips, soy cheese.

Oh, God, it smells like somebody threw up feet.

I mean, yum.

Lauren, could you grab me another medicine from the fridge and bring one

Fitz, too?

Can you make mine an imported medicine?

So, did I tell you that my fiancé has a new pet name for me?

He calls me Linda Bear.

Is it possible that he just can't remember your last name?

I'm in love. You can't hurt me.

There's something about Perry that's been nagging me a bit.

The fact that he talks with a fake English accent and sings in a Foghat

band?

No. My only worry is that Perry's never really spent time around kids.

That's a shame, too.

Because kids love Foghat.

Are you done?

I just want him to be comfortable around children so he's open to the idea of us

having kids.

Three girls, Tiffany, Amber, and Helen.

Two strippers and an old lady.

I wonder if I could borrow one of your kids so Perry could spend some time with

them. Well, I'll hang out with you guys. I think his band's pretty cool.

Yeah, I love you, honey, but I was thinking of Tina. You know, more on the

and cuddly, less on the freaky teenage problems.

Yeah, I'm the one with the freaky problems.

And here's your fresh garden salad.

What? Oh, look, he can move. Here's your burger.

Thank you, son.

I'll be napping later. Come down in an hour and turn me.

It's a pretty sweet deal, having that magic blood, mister. Yeah, you know what

you're looking at, Fitz?

The perfect machine.

Don't worry about Judy, though.

That cholesterol's a big health risk.

Probably means she's going to go before you. Hey, don't talk like that.

Hey, I'm as torn up about this as you are.

Judy was going to be the first person I was going to hit on after my wife, Cax.

Don't worry.

In my plan, you're dead, too.

Oh, good. Otherwise, that'd be really insensitive.

Hey, Fitz. Bill, can you get the food processor down for me? I have a

You know what? You're full of baloney. And I mean that literally.

Now get up. You've been milking this for a week. Well, it was a good run.

So, Judy, I heard the news.

I gotta say, nobody's as sorry as I am.

We would have been great together.

How many bottles of medicine have you had today, Fitz?

I'm just worried about you and that cholesterol.

You're a ticking time bomb.

Fitz, I gotta watch what I eat. I'm not gonna die.

Yeah, that's a brave girl.

Chin up, huh?

Just... We're really sorry for Bill here, though.

If you go first, that poor bastard will be helpless.

Without you, he couldn't find his ass with both hands in an ass map.

I don't think you're giving Bill enough credit.

Judy, why am I in the kitchen?

Food processor.

It's not here.

Tilt your head up.

I don't see it. Open the cabinet.

They give you a check every week, and all they get back is a tiny little piece

of your soul.

Suckers.

Bill, sit down.

Hip said something to me yesterday, and it got me kind of rancid. Oh, don't

worry. I know he's planning to date you, but by then your looks will be gone and

nobody will want you.

Thanks. Um, but I was talking about if I, you know...

God forbid, went first, and it was bugging me all morning. So I came back

after lunch, and I wrote you this.

My darling Bill?

What is this?

Well, in case something should happen to me, I wanted you to know, you know,

everything about the kids, the house, where we keep the important papers.

And then, as I was writing, I started to think about our life together.

And I had so much that I wanted to tell you if, God forbid...

Well, it's all in here.

Thanks. Good stuff.

Bill?

Uh -huh?

Well, don't you want to say anything to me about writing that letter?

Nice job.

I was kind of hoping that you'd write me a letter back. Phil, you're not wearing

a watch, okay?

Come on, this is important to me. Okay, okay, I'll give it a shot. Thank you.

Hello. Hey.

How did it go with the parent?

Well, so much for telling your mom the idea of having kids.

Why, what happened?

Ribbit, ribbit.

She's a frog.

And she's been a frog for... two solid froggin' hours.

Where's Perry?

Well, he was parking the car, but he might be in the garage looking for wire

cutters so he can give himself a anatomy.

Oh.

There's my little frog.

Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit.

Perry, you don't have to humor her anymore. No, Linda Bear has been

spending the day with Tina.

I mean, usually I'm around a kid. I'm studying her face and praying she don't

look like me. Nudge, nudge.

I know. I was just telling Judy how adorable she was.

No, you said you hated it. Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Why don't you go on upstairs and play, sweetie?

We should go. Yeah.

Did you give up on the letter?

Nope, all done.

Wow, only took you like three minutes.

You know, you could take a longer time if you want to. Mine took all afternoon.

Uh, no, I'm good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not supposed to look at those now.

No, I just want to take a peek. You can look at mine if you want.

Oh, I still got half the jumble.

Dear Judy,

no shovels behind the garage.

Exo, dead bill.

P .F., boo.

No, no, no, it's, uh, boo.

So, that's it?

You're dead, I'm all alone?

and all you have to say is boo.

Honey, movies and Halloween decorations have taught us that that's all the dead

can say.

So you have nothing to say about the life we share together. We're just kind

what, hanging out on this couch till one of us drops. I didn't know I was

supposed to write some big statement about our life. You just told me to

what I do. I do the shoveling when it snows. That's all I do.

You know what? I don't know which makes me sad, or this letter, or the fact that

that's all you do.

Hey, don't forget the work I do in the boudoir.

Bill, I poured my heart into that letter so I could console you and leave you

with something that you'd always have.

I wept on the paper, Bill.

Oh, I get it. Weeping. Okay, let me take another whack at this.

If you write who after the boo?

Then I'm going to find a new place to put the snow shovel.

Then I'm going to need more time.

Could you not hover?

I'm not hovering.

Bill, it's not hard. Just start with the things you'll miss about our life

together. Well, I won't miss you hovering.

I love you.

Hey. Hey.

Gary and I were out shopping and we picked up Tina something.

Oh, Tina.

We got her a frog.

It's called Little Hat. Frog hat.

Frog hat.

That had not occurred to me. That's good.

That is good.

Hi, Tina Bear.

I've got someone to meet you. Froggy, meet my friend Tina Bear. Thanks, fairy.

Did you just call her Tina Bear?

Yeah.

That's funny, because I'm Linda Bear.

That is funny. I'm funny today.

Did you just hear that whole bear thing?

Yeah. Wish I hadn't.

Judy, I was his bear until you -know -who came along.

Are you seriously competing with the seven -year -old?

I didn't choose this battle, Judy.

What are you working on, mate?

A letter to Judy for after I'm dead.

That's an awesome title.

Letter to Judy for after I'm dead.

Something, something, shagging hookers instead.

which so far only has today's date.

Would you like some advice from a songwriter?

I thought you were in a cover band.

Still got to write the songs down.

Hey, Perry. Hey, Brian.

See, Bill, you should do what I do, carry a notebook.

That way, when the muse comes knocking, you can start rocking.

I've been working on my wedding verse. Have a listen.

Your love is the sunshine that kisses my cheek.

Your laughter is my music.

And when I lie in your arms, I find rest from this weary world.

Wow, that's amazing.

See, it's just like writing a song.

You know, I'm a songwriter, too, so you're preaching to the choir.

Oh, yeah, what sort of stuff do you write?

Musicals, mostly.

Here we go.

Anyway, I'm really inspired by Sondheim.

Sondheim, I know that bloke.

Really? Yeah, he's that dirtbag backup drummer for Cheap Trick. Owes me $500.

No, no, no, you don't understand. This is a completely different guy. Yeah,

whatever you say.

But rehab's not magic, little man.

Linda, remember I told you I was bugging Bill to write that letter?

Well, he finally did, and it's beautiful.

Judy. Your love is the sunshine that kisses my cheek.

Your laughter is my music.

And when I lie in your arms, I find rest from this weary world.

I didn't think Bill was capable of this.

You know what? I'm not surprised.

I know this side of Bill.

That's why I married him.

Excuse me.

Hey, you beautiful man.

Next time you go warehouse shopping, I need another big bag of socks.

Anything you want.

I read your letter.

Oh, the letter.

Oh, uh, how did you find that?

You put it on my pillow.

Oh, uh, is it okay?

Oh, it's perfect.

You're perfect. Oh, now, honey, only God's perfect, but some of us are damn

close.

Listen, Linda's in the kitchen. What do you say I get rid of her and we discuss

this upstairs?

Oh, you mean naked talking?

Because there's something I'd like to get off your chest.

Bill's letter is so amazing. Listen to this imagery.

Your love is the sunshine that kisses my cheek.

Oh, God.

So, Bill.

Actually, it's Perry.

What? Yeah, that's from Perry's wedding vows to Aunt Linda. He showed me in Dad

his notebook.

You mean Perry wrote this for me? And Bill copied it?

Now that is so Bill.

I can't believe he copied Perry's vows.

Well, I mean, not exactly. See how he changed on this day we are wed to on

day I am dead.

Excuse me.

words he wrote for me.

Perry loved me so much.

I'm not sharing him with children.

But I thought you really wanted children. Oh, Brian, Perry finds rest in

arms. I'm not putting a baby in there.

Well, I think that's for the best.

I was just putting on some lotion.

Are you on top or bottom, milady?

Neither. Oh, and it's not even my birthday.

He copied Perry's vows?

Did you really think he'd get away with this?

Obviously.

Didn't you think I'd recognize them at Linda and Perry's wedding? Oh, Judy,

on. It's your sister.

There's not going to be a wedding.

Bill, I just hope that if you sat down and looked at our life, you'd have

something to say to me about it. I love you. I'll miss you.

Nice rack. Something.

First of all, I can't stop talking about your rack. Ask anybody at work. And as

far as loving you goes, let's just say, many a mare tried to lure this stallion

from the meadow, Judy.

Many a mare.

Bill, when I wrote that letter, I wanted to tell you things.

Things that we never say to each other.

So that you'd know what all this meant to me.

And I know that it might sound a little crazy, but I wanted a little something

like that back from you. Well, I don't want to, and I'm tired of talking about

it. And you can't even try. No. Why not? See, if I answer you, I'd be talking

about it. And if you can't understand that, then I don't know what more I

say.

Damn lotion.

You know what?

I've had some good success not expecting much from you in this life. I'll just

carry that on over into death.

That's the spirit.

What about me, Bill?

You didn't even care enough to read this letter.

I made it for you, you know, so you can get the food processor off the shelf.

And you don't have to get off the couch.

Yeah, I guess.

By the way, the coping saw was exactly where you said it was in your letter.

You read my letter?

Yeah. And?

And I made you a stool.

By the way, the Band -Aids were also where you said they were.

Why'd you make me a stool?

Because I don't want you falling or dropping something, you know, if I'm not

here. Can we not talk about this?

Oh, Biffle, that's what I don't get.

Why can't we talk about this?

Because... Because.

Look, do you want the stool or not?

I love the stool.

I just wish you could tell me what it's feeling.

Damn it, Judy. I don't even want to think about it. Because, you know, this

everything.

And if you're not here, or, you know, I'm not here...

Anyway, I made this.

For me?

Yeah.

You made it because you want to take care of me, even after your death? Yeah,

yeah, yeah, that.

You know, I could always put the food processor on the bottom shelf.

I use the bottom shelf to make the stool.

Well, I got to admit, Perry wrote some beautiful vows.

Yeah, you know, he seems kind of dippy, but he really has the heart of a poet.

Your love is the sunshine that gathers my cheek. Your laughter is my music. And

when I lie in your arms, I find rest from this weary world.

Poetry is nice, but it's no cure for erectile dysfunction.