All language subtitles for Still Standing s03e05 Auctioning

Good, you're home. Tina will be here in
a half hour. We only have time for a

quick quickie.

Oh, my speciality.

I say we stop in the kitchen for a can
of whipped cream, then head on up to the

bedroom. Oh, you're going to cover me in
whipped cream?

If there's any left by the time we get
there, sure.

Tina, what are you doing home?

Carpool dropped me off. You're supposed
to be your after -school enrichment

thingy.

They don't have that anymore.

How could the school cut a program and
not tell the parents?

They sent home a bunch of flyers.

Well, where'd you put them?

I gave them to you.

Where did I put them?

You said, Mommy's napping. Go kill her
on these.

Oh, this is terrible.

I do the best I can.

No, honey, I mean that they cut your
program. This is where you get your

and your art.

And if she doesn't get her afternoon
enrichment, we don't get our afternoon

enrichment.

I can't believe that goody two -shoes.
Kathy Halverson hasn't done anything

about it. She's president of the PTA.

You know, she really should... Look
lower.

Save after -school enrichment.

Join Ted and Kathy Halverson for
brownies and brainstorming. Oh, my God,

tonight. We've got to go.

Ah, do we have to? I hate the
Halversons. They're so full of

Daddy, you said we shouldn't say bad
things about people.

And we don't.

Unless they're jerks.

Stuck up jerks.

Big, fat, stuck up jerks.

You understand, honey?

I hope we're not the first ones here.

Ted will make me listen to another one
of his Christian rap CDs by that group

Hallelujah.

Don't bother knocking. Let's get this
meeting rocking.

That's so queer, I'll need a lot of
beer.

So it's up to the parents to rally
together if we want to save them.

Oh, look who's here. The Millers. We
weren't expecting you.

Well, we never miss anything when it
comes to our kids' education.

Oh. That's funny. I don't remember
seeing you at the book fair.

We were sick.

Uh -huh. Or the bake sale.

You know, we were still sick.

Or teacher appreciation day.

It's a lingering illness.

The important thing is, you're here now.

We're going to need one more chair.

Oh, I'll get my office chair. It's
ergonomic.

Him and his big words.

Ergonomic.

Why can't he just say he got it cheap?

Ergo. I think I gave birth on something
like that.

Well, it's pretty simple.

Knee here, panty here.

I'm not responsible for anything that
may happen in this position.

If we put our heads together, I'm sure
we can come up with some good

ideas to save the after -school arts
program.

Oh, I have an idea.

I say we send the kids out with coffee
cans to collect money.

Or maybe we can raise this money without
turning our children into hobos.

Any other ideas?

Anybody?

Judy. I've got an idea. Kathy.

What if we host a silent auction?

Now there's a mother who cares about her
children.

People, I gotta be the voice of reason
here. If it's a silent auction, how are

we going to hear the bids?

It's called a silent auction because you
write down your bids instead of calling

them out.

Is this just because we have that one
deaf parent?

Okay, so silent auction it is.

We'll break into committees, but first,
let's all go to the kitchen and grab

some of my homemade butterscotch
brownies.

Judy, Judy, save me a corner piece.

I'm thinking about donating a week at
our timeshare in Florida to the auction.

They got a terrific golf course.

Oh, that's perfect.

I'm donating lessons with the pro at my
club.

Ah. What are you thinking about kicking
in, Bill? I can't tell you. It's a

silent auction, remember?

Once again, it's the bid that is silent.

I mean, if you don't have anything to
donate, it's all right. Oh, we got

something, and it's going to be big.

Like the lie you're telling?

Bigger.

What do we have lying around the house
that's big?

You on Saturdays?

I told Ted we were going to donate
something big to the auction. Why would

do that? Because he was all in my face
with his timeshare, trying to make me

look bad, like he always does with his
community service.

Why can't he just not care like the rest
of us?

Bill, this is not about your ego. This
is about helping out Tina's school. I'll

go straighten it out with Kathy. Oh, I
know. I could raise a lot of money with

that video I shot of you on our
vacation.

Judy gone wild?

You said you were raised there.

I did say that.

Kathy, um...

Bill and I were thinking about what we
were going to donate to the auction.

Oh, Judy, don't worry about it. No one's
expecting you to come up with anything.

We've got stuff to donate. Oh, sure you
do, but there are so many other ways you

can give. For example, you two are just
the kind of worker bees we need for the

cleanup committee.

Buzz, buzz.

Oh, there's going to be buzz, all right,
about the big thing we're donating.

It's going to be huge.

Did you talk to her? Yeah, yeah.

You made it worse. Way worse.

I can't believe those Halversons.

Yeah, they act like they're so much
better than we are.

Why do they always manage to bring out
the worst in us? Because they are

stupid ass people.

Who look like ass.

Because their faces are like asses.

Well said.

Well, I'm guessing that once again you
two got out there and made me proud to

a Miller.

If the world showed them, we're going to
come up with something great for this

auction. Let's go brainstorm, Judy.

That'll be a light drizzle.

Hey, your TV time's up. It's my turn.

I'm watching the House Appropriations
Committee on C -SPAN. They're

the budget for the next fiscal year.

They should set aside a couple billion
dollars to build you a girlfriend.

That sense of humor will get you through
many long nights at the toll booth.

Lauren's being a pain. You're just
flipping around.

Here. This looks good.

A Korean soap opera?

You're going to want something that you
don't understand just to keep me from

seeing the show I wait for all week.

You don't get how that's fun for me?

Okay. He's gone. We can change it if we
want to. No, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Who's the shirtless hottie?

I don't know, but I sure wish I knew
what he was talking about.

Yeah, he's speaking the international
language of auga.

Bill, look.

We're about to get the first bid on our
item. See, I knew if we put our heads

together and filled them with beer, we'd
come up with something good.

Time to close the deal.

Say, what's this all about?

It's a night of beef and teeth.

Whatever that is.

Well, let's see.

Oh, wow.

Says here it's a delicious homemade rib
dinner for two.

Followed by a teeth cleaning and a gum
massage by, if I do say so myself, one

the city's top dental assistants.

You're the dental assistant?

Wow. That's a meal and dessert, if you
know what I'm talking about.

Hey, come on now. That's a little bit
over the line.

I'm sorry.

Relax. I'm her husband.

Okay. Now it's creepy.

Is it creepy or is it creepy?

Hey, O'Millers.

How's the bidding going on your night of
hoof and mouth?

It's beef and teeth and we're getting a
few nibbles.

Oh, really?

Oh, I guess everyone signed the names
with invisible ink.

Well, Ted, not everything's going to be
as popular as our timeshare.

But tonight is about the children.

It's not a contest.

Although, if it were...

We would be the winners.

I can't believe no one has signed up for
this yet.

Well, look at that. Score one for beef
and teeth.

What? I signed the wrong sheet. I
thought this was the month of Taibo

Hey, hey, hey, no backsies.

Okay, I'm not nine.

My name's coming off.

You know, we could still use some worker
bees on the cleanup committee.

Buzz, buzz.

God, that's it, Bill. You know, write a
bid down under a fake name so we don't

look like losers.

Mill Billet?

Too close.

Attention, the bidding will close in
five minutes, and I'm so pleased to see

that almost everything is selling
tonight.

And the wonderful thing is, it's all for
the children.

Oh, off of the children.

I know these people want to save their
after -school activity so they have a

place to dump their kids off one day a
week. Yeah, they're all hypocrites.

I bet if someone was willing to take
their kids off their hands... That gives

an idea.

Come here.

Hello, um, everybody, we're the Millers.

And we have a very exciting
announcement.

Our evening of beef and teeth has been
canceled, and it's been replaced by a

children's cookies and crafts party.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold the phone up, Starks. You just
can't change an auction item willy

The ten top bidders get to dump their
kids at our house for a whole day.

Wow, look at that. Looks like we're
cleaning up.

Ted, Ted, the important thing is that
the winners in all this are the

And the losers are you.

So I can drop my kids off for the whole
day? The whole day.

Thank you.

Hi, guys.

Ted and I want to congratulate you on
having the most popular item in the

auction. Right, Ted?

Congratulations.

Cheaters.

We also want to apologize for getting
carried away in the heat of competition.

Well, the important thing is that the
kids benefit.

It's not about us beating you.

It's not about us saying, in your face,
Halverson.

Very sweet of you guys to come over here
like this, so apology accepted. Thank

you. And if there's anything we can do
to help you out... Oh, it's no big deal.

It's only 10 kids.

Wow, you sure have a lot of bids here.

Yeah, yeah.

They won. I get it.

Maybe if Ted and I help out, you could
double the number of kids and raise even

more money. Of course, it would still be
your party and your donation.

That's a great idea, Kathy.

Yeah, we could use a couple of worker
bees on the cleanup crew.

Buzz buzz.

Enjoy your time in the catbird seat,
Miller. The paint's not dry on this yet.

The worm will turn.

Ha ha, I don't know what any of that
means.

Hot guy just walked into the gym.

Oh, God, he's totally cut.

Did he take his shirt off yet?

Not yet.

Okay, what'd I miss?

Okay, I'm still trying to figure out
what hot guy's story is.

Well, I think it's obvious.

He's a sensitive kickboxer slash doctor
who writes poetry and loves cats.

Can he also be a rock star?

Honey, reality.

Hi, Kathy.

Wait a minute.

Look at that chat.

No, sorry, Kathy. I was watching the
Antiques Roadshow.

Hey, Kathy.

Yeah, so Bill and I are getting things
ready for Saturday. What time do you

think you and Ted will be... What?

Hey, I got all the crap stuff you wanted
me to get for the party, although I

refuse to waste money on plain popsicle
sticks when they come free inside every

frozen tree.

So, uh, I bought ten boxes of frozen
juices.

And frozen fudgies.

Well, that's too bad. I'm so sorry. I
hope she's feeling better.

Okay, bye.

Kathy Halverson, she and Ted can't help
us with the party. Ted's and sick. They

have to go out of town.

So now we have to take care of twenty
kids all by ourselves?

Oh, don't worry. It's all right. We can
handle it. We're good parents.

What's for dinner?

Have a box of frozen fudgies.

Only if you finish all your frozen
juices.

Where are the beads?

I told you not to say that. That's a
very, very bad word.

I only said it because I burned myself.

Don't eat the cookies. They're full of
beads.

Judy, they're fine. I've eaten like a
dozen.

He has to be making a necklace later.

What are you doing outside?

Stuff. No, no, no. I told everyone to
stay inside. Now I have to take a head

count. One, two, three.

One, two, three, four. $11 ,900.

Really? Don't do that.

Stop it!

Oh, there you are. How long does it take
to buy eggs and flour?

Depends on what you're coming home to.
In this case, about an hour.

So, I'm driving home. Guess what I see
around the corner at the Halversons?

Cars and a catering truck.

They're not out of town visiting a sick
aunt. They're having a party.

That ticket to the Miller's party. What?
They lied to us? Yep. It was all a

scam. They talked us into doubling the
number of kids, knowing all along they

were going to back out.

I hate those stinking A -faces.

Those faces look like...

A's.

I can't believe Kathy would pretend to
be my friend when all the while she's

just setting me up to fail.

They're probably over there laughing at
us right now with all their fancy golf

-playing, time -sharing friends.

You know, Phil, as I see it, we got two
options. We can A, be the bigger people

and rise above this. B.

B, B, B, B.

Good, because those A's deserve B.

Kids, just do it.

that Mr.

and Mrs. Miller do, okay?

I thought this was a craft party.

It is. We're going to help decorate the
outside of this house for these nice

people. And who's looking out for the
cops? Me.

Aunt Rose's passing was a huge shock for
us.

But rather than mourn her death, we
should celebrate her life.

She meant so much to our family.

So many memories.

All of which we'll cherish.

I'm sorry, I need a tissue.

I can't imagine a Christmas without Aunt
Rose's pecan pies.

Oh, we all loved her. Especially the
children.

She may not be here now, but I can
safely say when it came to this family,

made a great impact.

What's going on out there?

Excuse me. What in the name of Satan's
hometown is going on here?

Hi, Ted, Kathy.

How's your aunt? Not sick anymore, I
guess.

No, she's not. I knew it. She's dead.

Yeah, right. Your aunt died, so you
decided to throw a big party?

It's called a memorial service?

Oh, yeah. Well, if it's a memorial
service, how come everyone's wearing

and crying and gathered around that
picture of the old lady?

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

No, you can't. We are not decorating
anymore.

Okay, so here's a wild question. Why are
you doing this to us?

Well, we thought you lied to us.

So you didn't have to help us with our
party. So you decided to vandalize our

house? You have to really look at it
from our point of view.

No, I don't!

We are so sorry. If there's anything
that we can do... I want you out of here

the time I count to ten.

One, two, three... Thirteen, nine...

Ten. We feel terrible.

but we thought you backed out of the
kids' party so you could invite your

friends over to laugh at us. Why would
we do that?

I don't know. It's just whenever we get
around you guys, we feel like we're back

in high school, you know, and you're the
overachievers and we're the idiot

slackers. Well, whether you have a
diploma or not, high school was over

time ago.

I'm so sorry, and we're going to do the
adult thing and clean this all up. Yeah,

we insist.

Cops!

Alversons are going to appreciate this
peace offering.

Yeah, there's nothing better than your
brownies.

Well, maybe they're not home.

You know what?

We've been out on the bank.

Oh, God. You know what? I can't see.

Here you go.

Closer.

Oh, my God.