Original subtitles

It's great hanging out with you, Linda, but it was a little rude of you to be on

the phone with your boyfriend the entire time. I know, I know. I mean, it really

hurt my feelings.

No,

I should get going, Perry.

Yeah, Judy has that look on her face.

Well, here, I'll show you.

I gotta go.

Sorry, it's just there's so much to talk about when you have a fiancé, you know?

And a ring as soon as he sells his car.

Oh, reminds me, I can't go to the movies with you tomorrow.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I know. Perry and I are picking out wedding invitations.

I'm picking out wedding invitations because I have a fiancé!

Linda, I am so happy that you finally found someone, but don't forget the rest

of your family. You've been kind of blowing me off a lot lately.

Yeah, I hear you.

Well, good, because I'm glad. No, no, the reception's good.

Listen, you know what? This is kind of rude. We should probably cut this short.

Thank you. Okay, great. See you, Judy.

Sorry

it

took me so long. My son keeps changing the place where he hides his money.

There you go, buddy.

Yeah, maybe next time you'll find out where he hides his tips.

Honey, my hands are full. Could you flip off the pizza guy for me?

Jeez, that's weird.

Last time I checked Brian's lockbox, there was a couple of hundred bucks in

here.

Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all this

Apparently not hiding it as well as I hide mine.

Do you have money?

No.

It's under her mattress.

No, it isn't!

Hi, guys. There you are. Brian, what have you been doing with all your money?

I think a better question would be, what are you doing with all my money?

Come on, there was more than 200 bucks in here the other day. I earned that

money. I can spend it any way I want.

Brian, this is for your college fund. You can't be irresponsible.

You know your father and I haven't saved a cent.

Well, if you must know, I kind of have a new hobby. I just didn't want to tell

you guys because I thought you'd make fun of it.

Bill, let him say what it is first.

It's called Wizards, The Beckoning. It's a strategy game where you assume the

roles of wizards and warlocks and engage in fantasy duels armed only with a deck

of enchanted battle cards.

You guys just don't understand it.

Brian, Brian, come back here. We don't mean to make fun of it. It's just too...

$100 is a lot of money to throw away on some silly card.

I didn't throw it away, Mom. I mean, sure, I spent $200, but by now my

collection's got to be worth at least $1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

Is that real money or like wizard bucks?

Real money. And every time I play, I just win more cards.

So you've won like $800.

Yeah, but it's not about winning, Dad.

It's about the spiritual journey, testing yourself, and finding your own

strength and limitations.

So you've won like 800.

Yeah, I guess, but in order to get that money, I'd have to sell my card.

I am not selling my card.

Brian, you have to be responsible with your money, you know? You need to sell

these cards now, otherwise one day you'll wake up, the fad will be over,

they'll be worth nothing. That's why we sold your Beanie Babies.

You sold my Beanie Babies?

That's why you have a computer.

We're selling the car. This is so unfair. You guys can't control me.

Oh, God.

Brian, wait.

Come back here.

No, forget it. You know what? Go ahead.

No, wait.

I guess we can still control him.

Hey, Linda, where are you? We've been waiting for you.

No. No, it's fine. I got plenty of other people I can hang out with.

Actually, I see someone right now.

What do you mean, who? I got friends.

Her name's Teresa. I'll be right with you, Teresa.

What are you talking about? Oh, that's so funny, Teresa.

I gotta go. Bye.

Okay, Tina, looks like Mommy's all yours. We can do whatever you want. We

sit here and talk.

She has a ball.

Oh, look at that guy over there. Too much tank and not enough top.

Lunch break?

Mm -hmm. Oh, this park's a great place to grab a bite.

I come here all the time with my little girl.

Oh, yeah? Which one is she?

She's hanging from the monkey bars in the ripped undies.

Honey, that's not an upside -down outfit.

Hi, I'm Judy.

I'm Emmy.

Your daughter's adorable.

Oh, thanks.

Who's the little girl she's playing with?

I have no idea. They just met and boomed their best friends. Kids are amazing

that way.

Yeah. It's a shame adults can't be more like that. We build these giant walls

around us and we never let anyone in.

Exactly.

Like there's no reason that you and I can't be friends.

What?

You know, like we were just saying. You know, we seem to get along.

Maybe we could have coffee sometime.

What do you say?

Uh, no.

What do you mean?

Well, no offense, but I just met you. Oh, you don't need to worry. I'm not a

freak.

It's just that I don't have any friends.

Okay.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Oh, I didn't mean to come on too strong. It's just that my sister got engaged

and I don't... Okay, I'll see you around the...

load these things.

I can't believe you're making me sell my cards. I can't believe there are this

many geeks in Chicago.

What are you, a breed underground?

This isn't a joke, Dad. People take these tournaments very seriously.

I can see why.

It's like stepping back into the Middle Ages in a conference room in a hotel at

the airport.

Miller the Merciless, you're here.

Your arrival was foretold by the Owl of Prophecy.

You see us all?

No, I've seen it all.

This is my dad.

Miller the Elder?

You must be proud.

Brian is the warrior to whom we all bow.

Last week he made Goran the Invincible cry.

I had a sinus infection.

So, you're kind of a big shot here.

Yeah, I got a bit of a rep. Well, if it isn't Miller the Merciless.

Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

Hello, Lord Hades.

So, Miller, finally here to drink from the bitter cup of defeat?

No, I'm not really here to play.

Looks like Miller the Merciless has become the chicken of Noord.

You think you can take this guy?

Yeah, but what difference does it make? We're just here to sell the cards.

In the immortal words of Lucius of Kandor, quote, end

quote. You want to take on my boy? You got it.

Really? You're going to let me play? Look, it's one thing if you're bullied

real bullies. I will not have you bullied by people who get bullied by

Hey, sweetie. What's up? Nothing.

What do you say you and I hang out tonight?

Am I in trouble?

Oh, no. I just want to do something with you. Be your friend.

I am not going to tell you where I hide my money.

Is Bill home? No, he's out.

Oh, man, we were supposed to hang out.

Now what am I going to do? I told my wife an intricate web of lies to get out

the house.

It'd be a shame to waste that.

I was supposed to go shopping with Linda, but she blew me off again.

You want to go?

You and me?

Sans Bill?

That's very European.

Well, I didn't shave my legs, so it's even more European than you think.

Well, where's Bill anyway?

Oh, he's helping Brian sell his geek cards. We're teaching him a lesson about

responsibility. Yes, in your face, Lord Hades. In your face.

Dad, I haven't won yet.

I'm sorry.

Now I won. Yes, in your face, Lord Hades. Miller, you're a truly great

Even greater than the horned cobra of Sarlacc.

I bow to thee.

Not so much bowing as bending over, loser.

I guess we should go sell these cards now. Not when you're on a roll, my boy.

You're kicking ass and taking stupid made -up names.

Okay, who's next? You. You in the Pac -Man bed sheets.

Prepare to wet them.

Well, thanks for turning me on to the outlet mall.

You know, that soap store was fantastic.

Yeah, I can't believe you've never been to the Lavender Basket.

I can't believe I spent $40 there.

Are you sure Bill would be okay with all this? All what?

Well, you know, you and me spending time together.

I mean, it could look like we're having an affair.

Nobody would believe that. That's ridiculous.

No would have been enough.

Oh, you're home.

Oh, someone smells nice.

That would be him.

Yeah, they're called essential oils.

Frankly, I don't know how I'd live without them.

Well, I'm going to go put my cards away. Sure, buddy.

You had a good day. Hit the showers.

Bill, Brian still has his cards. I thought he was selling them. Honey, I've

thinking about it, and I'd really like to handle this on my own. No, Bill.

We made a decision. I need to know what's going on.

All right. We were going to sell the cards to Goran the Invincible, but then

Lord Hades gets all up in Brian's face and calls him the Chicken of Nord.

Okay, you know what, Bill? It's all yours.

Okay? Just promise me that it's all going to turn out okay.

Come on, Judy.

Do I look like the Owl of Prophecy?

There he is.

Huzzah.

Man, you did great today, son.

Thanks, Dad. It was fun spending the whole day with you. We'll have to do it

again sometime.

How about Saturday from noon till four I enter you in the Golden Goblin

Tournament? The Golden Goblin?

I don't know, Dad. I mean, that's the big leagues. All the best players are

going to be there. The Visigoths, Sir Fireworm.

You could totally take those losers.

I'm not so sure, Dad. Brian, Brian, Brian.

When I was your age, I didn't want to go out for varsity football, but my dad

made me.

Now I'm glad he did.

So I'm going to do the same favor for you.

Okay, but, you know, in big tournament, costumes are mandatory for both of us.

Perfect. I have a royal headpiece I acquired yesterday on my lunch break.

no, Dad, you can't go as the king of burgers.

You have to go as a mythical creature.

Oh, I'll go as something no one in that tournament's ever seen before.

A girlfriend.

Gee, there you go.

I knew I shouldn't have worn my nice pants to the farmer's market.

By the time we go, maybe you'll pay the dollar admission instead of climbing

over the chicken wire.

Just take me a second to sew this.

Hi.

Hi. You wearing a skirt?

Maybe.

You wearing no pants?

Maybe.

Okay, then.

Okay.

Mr. Fitzsimmons?

Woo -hoo! Anyone home?

Oh, hey.

Boy, that was close.

What was?

Bill just caught me in here in my underwear.

And then he takes off his pants and you chase him?

All done, Fitz.

Oh, look who decided to drop by.

Hey, listen, uh, Perry's band got a last -minute gig in Des Moines. I thought

you might like to check out that new rib joint.

Fitz and I were planning on going to a movie.

Can I come?

All right.

Fitz, is it okay with you if she comes?

I guess.

It's just that we were going to take my car, and I've got a jacket on the back

seat.

Can you move it?

It's just got a lot of stuff in the pockets.

We'll make it work.

Uh, Fitz?

All right.

I walk outside in my underwear. What will the neighbors think?

That we're having an affair.

I don't need your problems.

That's my boy. Taught him everything he knows. Huh? He's playing my son.

Well, I bet the janitors are glad he came because my son's mopping the floor

with him.

I'm just hoping the boys have fun. Oh, he'll have fun if he enjoys being my

son's bitch.

Dad, what are you talking about? Stay in the game. Stay in the game.

You just got hazard.

How does it taste?

Dad, can you please stop calling everybody Dilbert? He has a name. Yeah,

Gilbert.

Good work, son. But don't get cocky. Team Miller still has another round to

Listen, Dad, I think I'm just going to step down while I'm ahead.

What? You can't quit now. You're about to win it all.

Dad, it's not about winning.

Every player has their preordained destiny, and my inner voice tells me

journey has ended.

Or maybe it's just begun.

Did you hear that? Stop it, Dad.

It's over.

No, no, my son's not going to be a quitter. A quitter's worse than a loser.

All right, do you want to know why, Dad? It's because of you. I don't want to

play anymore because of you. You keep pushing me and pushing me, and you're

taking all the fun out of it. I just want you to go as far as you can. I know

you can win it all. I don't care. I just want to go home.

Well, I don't possess the gift of prophecy.

I totally saw this coming.

Oh, yeah?

Did you see this coming?

Ow!

Oh, that was a great movie.

Oh, and what an ending.

I can't believe that she was... Okay, could you please not talk about it? Some

of us had to see the Hilary Duff movie because your movie was sold out.

You know what? Tagging along with you two was a big mistake. All night long, I

had to hear about what a great time you guys had at the mall and the farmer's

market. What did you expect, Linda? That she was just going to sit around by the

phone waiting for you to tear yourself away from your fiancé?

You've been a very selfish sister.

Don't talk to her like that.

I'm on your side.

Well, leave her alone, okay? She's a wonderful person, and she's finally

someone who loves her. After an endless parade of heartbreak after heartbreak,

lose her and lose them.

This might be her best shot. Who are we kidding? Her last shot in ever life.

I think he gets it.

Yeah, but where was she when we went to the candle store or to the botanical

gardens or when we had tea at the museum?

I was a much better sister to you than she's ever been.

Okay, I gotta go back to being a guy now.

You two girls have fun. I'm gonna go buy some tires or spit or something.

I had a lot of fun, G.

I did, too, Fitz. Thanks for being there for me.

It's my pleasure.

Wow.

That's quite a goodbye.

Was there something going on between you two?

Thank you!

Linda, I am so sorry about tonight.

No, don't be. It's my fault.

Fitz is right. I'm a lousy sister.

No, no. I just have to learn how to share you, you know?

I just want you to have everything that I have. A home, a wonderful, loving

family. I hate you. I don't care. Leave me alone.

Ryan, Ryan, wait.

Okay, do you want me to catch you up on this thing? No, no. This is all yours. I

just have one question.

Is that our Christmas tree skirt?

It's a kilt.

And your pasta strainer?

My helmet.

And is that... Everything's what you think it is.

Just go away.

Forgive him, Brian. Cut it out.

Why are you so mad? I was just trying to be there for you.

This wasn't about me, Dad. This was about you.

Acting like a big shot and yelling and bullying people. Okay, okay. You're

right. I blew it.

I guess I just got excited you were good at something I could cheer for and I

turned into one of those obnoxious football dads screaming from the stands.

Oh, my God.

Just like my old man.

I am so sorry, son.

It's all right, I guess.

No, no, it isn't.

I never wanted to be like my dad.

Sat down the dance floor.

The man floated like a feather.

A mean, drunken, racist feather.

Well, then why did you act that way? I don't know, but I swear it was never

about me. I was really proud of you.

You were?

Wow, you know, all these years I've been trying to impress you and now... Hold

on, hold on.

I just realized something.

All those times my dad was screaming at me from the sidelines, he was proud of

me.

My father was proud of me.

Kind of like... I'm crying, I'm on the phone.

Yeah.

Hi, pops.

It's me.

Bill.

Yeah, yeah, I just realized all the times you yelled at me when I was a kid,

were actually... What?

Okay, I'll call you back when the game's over.

Ah.

Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, maybe next week, then.

I want you to know, son, I love you.

You're a good kid. You turn out fine.

I'm a very lucky dad.

Oh, Dad.

Would that have been so hard for him to say?

Oh, jeez, Bill, we left the remote on the TV. Can you get it?

No problem.

Oh!