Original subtitles

So when's your sister and her latest loser boyfriend gonna get here?

He is not her boyfriend. He is just someone she's gone out with on a few

and it's not fair to assume he's a loser.

You want to put money on it?

I think we'll know within the first ten minutes. You want the over or the under?

You know, Linda's gotten a lot smarter about the men she dates. I will take the

over.

Here we are. Under, under. I want the under. No, no, no.

Too late. You said over.

See? Do I relate?

Bill, Judy, this is Perry.

Oh, yeah, nice to meet you.

Hello.

Perry's rehearsal ran a little long. He's the lead singer in a band.

Really? Yeah, you ever heard of Foghat? Yeah.

I'm in a Foghat cover band.

Oh.

28 seconds.

I win.

So, uh, do you make a nice living doing that? Uh, yeah.

Competition for bookings can be brutal, though, especially if someone's willing

to take less money.

Other fog hat cover bands?

I'm no fog hat.

Harry's band is getting so many gigs now, he's so close to quitting his day

Oh, really? What do you do?

He works for the Tribune.

Are you a journalist?

No, I'm in distribution.

What are you, a paper boy?

I prefer the term paper man.

Judy, don't you just love his accent?

Yes. How long have you lived in this country?

Oh, well, technically all my life.

I'm from Florida.

But you know, Epcot's into the part that's Great Britain. I worked there one

summer and the accent just sort of stuck.

Excuse me, I've got to go to the loo.

Now, I know he's a little different.

Oh, he's not. Just like your last ten boyfriends, he just won me 20 bucks. Oh,

man. Oh, God, you're not playing the loser game again.

No, honey, you are.

I know he's kind of a clown, but we're having fun and he's cute and I'm just

going to keep him through the weekend.

Ow, my hair.

Now, I've got it. Look, this happens all the time.

Worst thing you can do is tense up.

My friend Cammy taught me a new trick. You want to see?

Sure, why not?

Ah, Brian, quit hitting me.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. Hey, what is going on?

Brian hit me.

I did not. She hit herself.

Oh, please. That is ridiculous. Tina, did you hit yourself?

Tell the truth.

He's going to hit me again.

Oh, my God.

Brian, go to your room. What? We don't hit in this house. Go.

Are you okay, honey? You want Mommy to get you some ice cream?

Okay. Okay.

What's with all the yelling?

Brian hit Tina.

Sounds like a fair fight.

One hits like a girl, the other one's Tina.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Linda.

You look terrible.

My turn, my turn. You don't smell so good either.

What's wrong?

Well, um...

I have some very bad news for all of us. My beloved cat, Nathaniel Hawthorne,

passed away this morning.

Oh, I feel so empty inside.

Who wants pancakes?

Bill.

I'm so sorry, honey. How did it happen?

Well, we were trying on our Halloween costumes, and I thought it would be

cute if I dressed as a cat and he dressed as a mouse, you know?

That does sound cute.

So anyway, I put him down and self in the mirror. He must have thought he saw

real mouse looking back at him because he dashed full speed right at that

and ran head on into himself.

I don't know what I was thinking with that costume. I knew Nathaniel's

was going.

I think I should.

So, I was wondering, since I don't have a backyard, if I could bury Nathaniel

Pothorn in yours.

Ah, Linda, absolutely not.

If that would make you happy, Linda, sure.

Mom, where's my ice cream? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I'll get it.

Tina, honey, I got some tough news for you, okay?

he called on Nathaniel Pothwart.

And, uh, I like to think he's in a big park in the sky chasing birds and

probably even playing with your old gerbil, Peanut.

Peanut's dead.

He's in the ground and worms are eating him.

Who stole your soul?

I could tell by the way Nathaniel purred.

It was the best birthday party he ever had.

And those are just a few dozen of the memories I have of Nathaniel.

But if you'd like to hear some more... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's way too sad.

I know we're all sad here, but I think I'm safe in saying you're the saddest.

Thank you, Bill.

Okay, well, I guess that does it. Great. And now we'll proceed to the graveside

for prayers and poetry.

Look, at first, I'd like a personal moment.

All right, then.

Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?

Come on, can I go?

Yeah, do we really have to waste our whole Saturday on this? Yes, we do.

But that cat hated me. He peed on my book bag, and he stared right at me when

did it. He gave me nothing but sinus problems. I swear I can still smell

Yeah, smell my book bag. Okay, you know what?

We are a family. And when one of us has gone through a tough time, we help each

other out. Now get out there.

Aren't you guys coming?

No, it's way too nuts.

Is that the book bag you gave me for Christmas?

No, it was a different one.

I've seen a lot of crazy things in my life, and they were all today.

It's almost over. Let's just get through this.

Judy. Who am I?

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Cut it out.

Do you think his last words were, uh -oh, that's me, meow?

Do you think we should all stand around his grave and sing his favorite song,

Cat Smash Fever?

to watch his favorite movie, Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.

Well, isn't it nice? We were just about to join you.

I came in to ask to see if you wanted to throw some dirt on the grave, but I see

you prefer to spit on it.

We were using humor to deal with our pain.

Oh, God, I feel terrible. I know. I could just kill myself.

If only I had a full -length mirror and my meatball sandwich constantly.

Still don't see why you have to drag me to Linda's to apologize.

Because you're the one who made me laugh at her dead cat.

You may have been laughing at her dead cat. I was laughing at your grieving

sister.

The doors open, all are welcome.

Maybe she'd gotten tired of going out looking for men.

Oh.

Oh, it's you.

Are we interrupting something?

Well... All of you must know, this is my pet bereavement group.

You're not kidding.

No. Everyone here is struggling to let go of a lost companion.

Linda, we just wanted to apologize for the way we acted at Nathaniel's funeral.

We realized that it must be very difficult to lose a pet.

As a gesture of compassion, we brought a ham.

Oh!

Lois just lost her pot -bellied pig.

I'm pretty sure this isn't him.

Linda, can I see in the kitchen?

You know what? I will be right back.

Don't let me interrupt. Just pretend I'm not even here.

I'm sorry. It's just that I miss Stinky so much.

People talk about cats and dogs, but a pig can be just as affectionate and

sweet.

Moist.

Melinda, I am so sorry. It's just that Bill made me laugh.

Oh, he did this hysterical thing with the toaster where he pretended he was a

despicable, insensitive jerk.

Judy, I don't think that you fully understand.

Nathaniel was my closest friend.

Honey, I feel for you.

But don't you think there's something a little wrong with that?

With what?

Well, maybe... wouldn't feel so devastated right now if you had a more

fulfilling relationship with, say, something with thumbs.

You want me to get a monkey?

I meant a little closer to like a human, like a guy.

You know, you cared so deeply for this cat. I've never seen you put your heart

on the line like that for a man. If you did, you might find someone to settle

down with.

Thank you, but I don't think you know what you're talking about. Now, if

excuse me, I have to get back to people who are sensitive to the sanctity of

animal life.

This is good ham.

Now try it with the honey mustard.

What a waste. I shouldn't have cremated Stinky. I should have smoked him.

I just wanted to thank you for our talk yesterday.

I realized that a lot of what you said made sense.

Really? Yeah. I mean, Nathaniel's gone, and I'm sad, but now I'm going to put

that kind of energy into a relationship with a guy. Oh, great.

Now all you have to do is find the right one.

Yeah, well, I'm way ahead of you.

What are you doing? Get in here, silly.

This was in your bushes, which is what happens when you have a child delivering

your newspaper.

Didn't you used to have a British accent?

Oh, yeah, that was just a thing.

I'm into bracelets now.

Guess what?

Perry and I have decided to take our relationship to another level, and we're

moving in together.

Yeah, what the hell?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, big news, brother.

Linda and I are moving in together. Isn't that great?

Didn't you used to have an English accent?

Uh, Bill, we covered that. He's into bracelets now.

Well, I guess we should celebrate. Bill, can you help me get a lot of things to

drink in the kitchen? Right behind you.

Oh, my God.

We can't let this happen. Okay, Judy, I know what you're thinking. But just

remember, she's a grown woman. And while we may not agree with her choice, we

have to respect it.

Maybe he's not as bad as we think.

Oh, buddy, that is exactly what I'm looking for.

Check it out. I want a free case of beer.

He's now my enemy.

So how are we going to break up Linda and this Perry guy?

Shh. God.

You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe we should just give him a

chance. Really? Something about the guy just gets under my skin.

Oh, would you forget about the case of beer? A whole case.

Did he want to buy a house he didn't even offer to share?

I swear, nothing good ever comes my way.

Yeah, yeah, I got you and the kids.

Hey, who wants a tuppeth?

Oh, I hope we're putting them on top of some bigger food.

Oh, thank you, Guy, for coming to our one -week anniversary dinner.

Actually, it's only been six days, but Perry and I are pretty sure we're going

to make it.

So where is Perry?

He's napping.

Oh, did he have a late gig with his band last night?

No, no, but he has his paper route, and, you know, then he likes to wander

around the neighborhood and take a long nap, and that's pretty much his day.

What's his day?

Does this guy need an assistant?

I know he's got some quirks, but thanks to my sister, I have learned to look

past that. Now I'm going to pour all my love and energy into a man instead of a

cat.

Morning, everybody.

Oh, I thought I smelled food.

Hey, there's my sleepy boy. It's about time you made an appearance.

Judy, do you not love this hair? It is the most beautiful hair.

Yes, it is.

Oh, you are so frisky after your nap. Are you hungry?

I don't know. What are you making?

You are so finicky. Why don't you go get dressed and you'll find out. Now go on,

scat.

Little Dickens, he leaves his hair on everything.

Wow.

What?

Didn't you just notice any of that?

She's treating Perry like he's her cat.

That's crazy.

Can't we just laugh at her for a little while?

Okay, here we go. Pot roast. Come and get it.

Okay, we have Judy, Bill, Carrie, and me.

Is it cold in here?

One could almost say it's a fancy feast.

Thank you, Bill.

Gary, honey, you're just playing with your food. Aren't you hungry?

I don't know. I'm just not in the mood for a pot roast. A little heavy for me.

Oh, okay. Well, I can make you something else.

Maybe you'd like some tuna or some mackerel.

Tuna sounds great.

I will go get you some, Paul. I'll help you.

Dude, did you just bark?

It's so nice having you guys over. Isn't this fun?

Yeah, listen, honey, I'm a little bit worried about you. After seeing you with

Perry, I'm starting to think you haven't completely gotten over your love of

cats.

What are you talking about?

You haven't gotten over Nathaniel. You've just replaced him.

With who?

Uh, maybe Perry.

Think about it, you know?

Perry's picky.

You feed him. You let him nap. all day. You take care of him more than he takes

care of you. And you made him a sweater exactly like the one you made your cat.

Wow, Judy, that is nuts.

I'm really turning my boyfriend into my cat.

I thought I heard a cannon burn.

Do I smell salmon?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll bring it in to you in a minute. Okay.

This feels good.

Oh, my God, I've turned my boyfriend into my cat.

You know what I kind of have, honey?

He's a cute cat, but he's a cat.

I made him a sweater.

And it's so unsighted. You deserve someone who's going to give you

back.

Okay, don't worry, Linda. He'll land on his feet.

Bill,

I think we should go.

No way.

I'm only two beers into that case he stole from me. I'm not going.

I really need my sister beside me right now.

Bill, you can do whatever you want.

Harry, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Listen, I am really sorry, but I just... I don't think this is going to work

out. I was so anxious to have a relationship that I think I looked past

probably shouldn't have.

Is this because I dropped the accent? Because I can bring it back, love.

I thought I'd like dinner theater, but this is riveting.

It's not your fault. I made this relationship too one -sided, and I don't

it's healthy for either of us, and I think it might be best if you moved out.

Well, if you want me to go, I will go. But I got to tell you this. You're the

best thing that has ever happened to me.

And if I'm not the guy you need, then I will walk through fire to get there.

That is a great lyric.

Maybe I won't survive.

Linda, you inspire me.

That is very, very... sweet, but I don't think this relationship can last. Will

you marry me?

Uh, Perry, maybe you didn't hear her.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That's exactly how I pictured it, except I was wearing

different, and we were on a beach in Hawaii, and I was 26, and you were a

doctor, but...

My darling Linda, I could never bring back your beloved cat, so I thought I'd

try to help him live on through song.

This was called Goodbye Nathaniel.

This is so sweet.

I'm so sorry that your kitty cat is gone.

He's at peace under Bill and Judy's lawn.

Goodbye Nathaniel.

Goodbye Nathaniel.

Goodbye Nathaniel. Good night.