Original subtitles

Unbelievable. If the next word is lover, then guilty as charged.

Three more birthday party invitations for Tina. Why does our daughter have to

so popular?

I don't know. I live with her. I don't see it.

She's been on the kiddie party A -list ever since you taught her how to burp

happy birthday.

Hey, they're not giving her music in the schools anymore.

Oh, man, this Saturday is Cammie Kelly's birthday party. She's going to really

want to go to that one.

Not if she never reads it. Bill!

Didn't work for my last home pregnancy test. It's not going to work for this.

Why does my life suck?

Oh, pick me, pick me.

What's wrong?

I had to go to this stupid wedding that wasn't mine. I had to wear this stupid

dress. How could I look any more hideous?

Oh, oh, oh.

No. If you took it off. I wasn't coming.

Something that might cheer you up. You want to take Tina to Cammie Kelly's

birthday party this Saturday?

How would that cheer me up?

Their class is known for its divorce rate, a lot of single dads.

Okay, I'll go.

Single dads?

Cammie's mom's married to a woman, and most of their friends are gay, too.

Well, then it'll be a surprise party.

Oh, my God, Bill, look at this.

Melanie Galt's seventh birthday jamboree.

Lower.

R .S .V .P., Mr. and Mrs. Willie Galt.

Willie Galt. Willie Galt. Willie Galt! Chicago Bears!

Willie Galt!

We're going to a party at Willie Galt's house.

Who's Willie Galt?

Dear God, I raised a woman.

Honey, he was a football player for the 85 Bears. The greatest team ever

assembled to play any sport ever on any planet. And we're taking Tina to a party

at his house that...

Saturday. Oh, my God, it's Saturday?

That's the same time as Cammie Kelly's birthday party.

Hmm, Cammie, Tina's best friend.

I wonder which party she'll want to go to.

Something tells me you're not going to get to meet your hero.

Maybe it's my woman's intuition.

What are we going to do? We have to go to Willie Galt's party. I've never

anything in my life.

As much as this?

Until this.

It's all been leading up to this moment. I see that now.

Getting married, having the three kids. It was all so I could get this

invitation.

Yeah, I did it all to piss off my father.

Guess I showed him, huh?

You know, it's up to Tina whether she wants to go to Cammy or Melanie's party.

Yeah, you're right. Tina, I'm going to tell her Cammy died.

What?

My God, don't even say that.

Judy, imagine the look on Tina's face when Cammy comes back to life on Sunday.

What, Daddy?

No, Mommy will handle this. Daddy's too busy hitting rock bottom.

Honey, I know that you have Cammie's birthday party on Saturday.

Yeah, it's going to be so much fun.

Uh -huh. Well, you know what? You also have another birthday party on Saturday.

Your bestest friend in the whole wide world, Melanie Galt.

I hate Melanie Galt.

Tina, you know, we were just talking to Cammie's doctor. Bill.

It's not nice to hate people, you know? You want to be nice and go to their

parties. I don't want to be nice to her. She's mean.

Well, maybe there's a reason she's mean. You know, sometimes people are mean

because they're really sad inside.

Why would she be sad?

Well, maybe things are sad at home.

Why? I don't know. Maybe her mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore.

You mean they're getting a divorce?

If that'll get you over there.

Tina,

it's up to you which party you want to go to. But you know what?

Take a couple of days. Think about it. I want to go to Cammy's.

Like I said, take a couple of days. I don't need a couple of days. Take the

days.

Mommy loves you.

Especially if you take the days.

We can't leave this up to her. We have an opportunity to meet an 85 bear.

Well, I'm sorry, Bill. You know, we can't go to a 7 -year -old's birthday

without our 7 -year -old.

You think they'll buy it? Of course. We've got Tina's jacket. If we tell them

she's here, why would they suspect otherwise?

You're right. I mean, what kind of people would come to a kid's party with

their kid's coat and not their kid?

Exactly. No, seriously, I'm asking.

Hi, I'm Karen Galt, Melanie's mom.

Oh, Bill and Judy Miller, Tina's parents. She was just here. Where did

little scamp run off to?

I'm so glad you could make it. Melanie adores Tina.

Well, you should hear the way she talks about Melanie.

And that's why she's here, somewhere.

Come on, I introduced you to Willie.

Galt?

Yeah.

Oop, somebody's had too many juice boxes.

Oh, that's Melanie's doll.

Saw it in the store and just had to have it. Just like Tina, I had to be here,

and she's here.

Melanie, what'd I tell you? Put your doll upstairs.

Oh, here you go, sweetie.

Oh, Bill, look, it's a birthday girl.

Yeah, yeah, happy birthday.

Willie, this is Bill and Judy, Tina's parents.

Tina's parents. Oh, great to meet you guys. Wow.

A bear hug.

You know, millions always tell me how much you love Tina, so I already know

going to like you guys. Well, I've always loved you, even longer than I've

Tina.

What? I didn't say more.

And I could have.

So where is Tina?

Oh, she's probably on the moon bounce out back. Yep, there she is.

Oh, the one with the pixels?

Sure.

You know, Bill, me and some of my old teammates are just hanging out, sipping

some teacups. Why don't you join us?

Teammate?

True, bears do travel in packs.

Yeah, come on, I'll teach you something.

Sipping and hanging with bears.

So, I look him in the eye, spit out my mouthpiece, and say, you just try and

stiff arm me again, see what happens.

Did he?

Yes, Tim Reitman, he did.

The very next play.

And what happened next?

Well, Mike Tomczak, I'm glad you asked.

I knocked him on his ass after he gained 12 yards.

Man, Bill, you're really something.

Oh, thanks, Willie.

Galt. You know, Bill, you don't have to call us by our full names.

Yeah, but I can, right?

I gotta say, these kids' parties usually suck, but this one's a lot of fun.

Bill, you like steak?

Oh, you're serious.

In the words of my arteries,

Yes!

Oh, Nelson's Steakhouse. They sent me a bunch of gift certificates because I did

a commercial for them. I'd love for you to have one. Well, then you'd really

love for me to have two.

You can have one. Gotcha.

Oh, guys, this is my wife, Judy, Tim Reitman, Mike Tomczak, Super Bowl

my new pals.

Wow, so great to meet you guys.

It must be an honor to be married to...

Killer Miller, good old number 42.

Bill, you haven't been telling your old high school football stories to three

Chicago Bears.

It was four. The fridge got bored and left.

Hey, Bill, you want to see my trophy room? I'll show you my Super Bowl ring.

Super Bowl ring?

Yeah, a few jerseys, a game ball. You might get a kick out of it. You might

a kick out of seeing a grown man cry.

Sorry, my husband's being so crazy. He's just a huge fan.

That's okay. You know, it's nice that people still get excited about Fina. Oh,

well, that's great.

Because, you know, there was a time in 1985 when I thought Tim Reitman was the

right man for me.

You know, I have never heard that one before.

Judy, I don't mean to worry you, but Melanie says she hasn't seen Tina.

Really?

No. That... Because I just saw her by the punch bowl. Well, see if you can

her, because we're about to do the cake, and Melanie can't wait to hear Tina

burp happy birthday. Oh, God.

That's so cute.

I'll go gas her up.

Oh, Bill, Bill, party's over.

What are you talking about? The party's just begun.

Willie just let me hold a ball from the Super Bowl.

I tossed it back to him. He caught it.

I'm one for one lifetime with Willie Galt.

We gotta go.

Melanie hasn't seen Tina and she wants her to burp happy birthday.

Damn, stupid Melanie.

You know, Tina's right. I don't like her either.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, my God. How are we going to walk past Willie without Tina?

I got a plan.

Good idea. I'll distract Willie by making out with Wright.

That's not the plan, but thanks for sounding so eager.

Thank you guys so much for coming. Thank you for asking.

We're so sorry that she fell asleep. Must have been all that moon bouncing

tired her out.

You want me to get you a piece of cake?

Okay. No, no. You can't. Thank you.

You know what's good about doing a lot of stupid things in your life?

Eventually you get better at it.

Hey, guys, how was the party? Oh, it was great. Mike Tomczak was there and Tim

Reitman. I have no idea who those people are.

And that magician you love. Lance Burton was there?

No, but now you know how excited I was.

You should have seen me. I was hanging out with Willie Galt. He let me throw a

game ball, touch his jersey. He even let me try on his Super Bowl ring.

Oh, you mean the one you have on?

Yeah, the one I... You know, if Lance Burton were here, he could make that

disappear.

Yeah, okay, great.

Well, have a safe trip, Willie.

You're not going to believe this.

The Gaults are going to Florida tonight. They want us to hang on to the ring.

Really? He wasn't mad?

No, I don't know what you did, but this guy loves you. He's going to call us

when he gets back. He wants to set up a play date.

Play date?

What does he want to do?

For Melanie and Tina. Oh, oh, right, right. Yeah, but I'm still friends with

Willie Galt, and now I've got to guard this ring with my... Where's the ring?

What? I don't know. Where'd you put it? I didn't put it anywhere. It was right

here. Oh, my God. You're always losing things, Bill. Sink, sink.

You sure you didn't take it? I didn't take it. Check your pocket.

It's not there. Why don't you check yours? Oh, yeah, Bill. I took the ring,

I put it in my pocket. Oh.

Well, hello.

Hey.

Jimmy Kelly's birthday party.

A lot of lesbians.

Really? Yes, really.

Now I'm in a softball league. Thanks a lot.

Our table's still not ready

yet. I can't believe this.

Our reservation was for 45 minutes ago. Maybe we should just go. No, I'm not

leaving the best steakhouse in Chicago. I got a gift certificate, and I already

smelled grilled meat.

So even if I wanted to leave, my stomach wouldn't let me.

Here she comes, finally.

Your table is ready.

They just got here two minutes ago.

I'm sorry, sir. They have a reservation. I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

Yeah, we have a reservation, too. Right here, Miller.

You've already sat three parties ahead of us. It's not fair to treat some

better than others. Is that a Super Bowl ring?

Well, yeah, it is. Eighty -five bears?

I'm so sorry, sir. I'll have your table right away.

Well, thank you.

What are you wearing the ring?

You told me not to lose it, so I put it in the safest place possible.

Where's your wedding ring?

On the sink in the bathroom.

No, wait, kitchen.

No, bathroom. I'll find it when we get home.

The table will be ready in a moment.

In the meantime, Hector, open a bottle of champagne for these two. It's on the

house. Only the best for a Super Bowl bear.

I don't think we should be doing this.

Excuse me, did I hear her right? You were on the 85 Bears?

Well, I'm wearing the ring, aren't I?

Man, you got it made!

A Super Bowl ring on one hand and a supermodel wife on the other?

Oh, stop.

One Vogue guy. does not make you a supermodel.

Doug, Pearl, get over here and shake hands with a real sports legend.

What position did you play?

Outside linebacker. How about that?

What's your name?

Bill Miller.

I was just third string. Didn't get into a lot of games. You'd have to be a huge

fan to remember me.

Bill Miller! I totally remember you!

Mind if I get a picture of you to show my wife?

Oh, I don't think you want to.

Where have you been? You were supposed to be home at one. I had a golf game.

You could have gone.

It's an exclusive course. I couldn't get on it without the ring.

Well, I couldn't have gotten into the private dress sale or out of my speeding

ticket. For the first time, a cop was looking at my chest for all the wrong

reasons.

Okay, fine, but I call it for tomorrow. I'm going to a Cubs game. I want to talk

my way into a luxury box.

Well, that's not fair. You've been hogging it all week.

That's because I've been using it to get free stuff for the family.

Oh, yeah, because we all sit around smoking cigars in our size 11 sneakers.

I think you're forgetting whose ring this is. It's the pretend Super Bowl

player. I think I got more rights than the pretend wife.

How about I pretend I'm somebody else's child?

Hello.

Oh, hey, Willie.

You enjoying your vacation?

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we could do that.

All right, we'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

They cut the trip short.

He wants the ring.

What?

But we were supposed to have more time.

He's got to play in a charity golf tournament.

It's horrible.

Yeah, it's for kids in China who can't get medicine.

Yeah, it's bad, too.

Well, it was fun being a bear.

You know, the great tables in the restaurants, the free stuff, the

cigars, the jet ski.

Jet ski?

Coming Monday.

I'm gonna miss this little guy.

Yeah, sure is a beauty.

Look at all those diamonds.

Isn't that weird? They left a little space right there.

Oh, that's not a space. That's what a diamond used to... Ah!

You just had to take it shopping.

And you just had to take it to your old football coach's house. Yeah, to rub it

in the face of the guy who benched me senior year.

Yeah, remember me, coach?

Can I help you folks?

Yeah, we'd like to replace a tiny stone tonight, if possible.

Hmm, let me take a look -see.

Oh, my Lord in heaven.

It's a 1985 Chicago Bears Super Bowl championship ring.

Why, yes, it is.

So how'd you get it?

Well, if you must know, I played on the team. Bill Miller, outside linebacker.

Uh, no.

Uh, linebacker corps was single Terry Wilson and Marshall.

No, sure, I was a backup.

No, backups were Jim Morrissey, Ron Rivera, and Cliff Thripp.

I was the kicker.

You're Kevin Butler?

Oh, uh, the punner.

Maury Buford.

Okay, I was equipment manager.

You happy?

Equipment manager's name was Jinky Jones. I'm calling the police. No, no,

no, no.

The truth is, this is Willie Galt's ring. He's a friend of mine. He knows I

it.

Well, if that's the case, then what'd you lie for?

I guess, you know, we liked how people gave us special treatment when we were

wearing it, you know? Great service, free stuff.

We were treated like royalty. You can understand that, right?

Yeah, if I was a terrible person.

I'm a real fan.

A real fan would treat this ring with respect.

The 85 Bears meant a lot to this city, sir. They meant a lot to me.

If I was Willie Galt, it would sicken me to think that you took something I

worked so hard to get and flaunted it around for free stuff.

Teen doctor?

Ron Friedman.

So after he said all that, we just knew we had to come over here and tell you

everything. Yeah. Not since I picked out my wife's engagement ring have I been

so shamed by a jeweler.

I don't know how to break it to you, but that stone fell out years ago.

What? Yeah, but that was really cool of you. You're a great guy, Bill.

Well, it's just important that our family can be friends, because you can't

a price on that.

But if you could, it'd be $400.

You know, it's really cool how you guys came clean like that. You know, honesty

is something I look for in my friends.

Okay, $385.

Can we go home now? Melanie won't stop crying.

Why is Melanie crying?

I told her her parents are getting a divorce.

What?

Honey, who told you that?

Daddy.

Sweetie, now, you know, I didn't say that. I simply said they might, might

love each other anymore.

Willie, I can't believe you told Bill we were getting a divorce. We haven't told

anybody yet. I didn't tell him. Tomzak must have. You told Tomzak?

He listens, all right?

I better go talk to Melanie.

Wait a minute. You two really are getting a divorce?

Hold on. If you didn't know, why'd you tell Tina?

She just misunderstood. I just told her that to get her to come to Melanie's

party. I didn't go to Melanie's party.

You didn't?

Yeah, that's right.

We came to a seven -year -old's birthday party without our kid, and all we

brought was her jacket.

That's what you did? Yes.

Maybe you should go.

So I guess we'll see you at Tom's Axe Fish Fry. We should go.

Oh,

hey, how was Italy?

Oh, God, it was wonderful.

We saw the Coliseum, Trevi Fountain. We even had an audience with the Pope.

Yeah, he's a great guy. He blessed a bunch of stuff. I got to touch his hat.

He even let me try on his...

This time it was the Pope.

I wouldn't have it any other way because you make me happy.