Original subtitles

The drama department would like to announce that auditions for The Wiz will

held after school today. Anyone interested should ease on down to the

auditorium.

Next week is Teacher Appreciation Week. Any gifts for teachers must be first

brought by the office to be x -rayed. Please no live animals or dead ones.

Also, the student awards banquet will be held Saturday evening. Those who

require a special meal, please let the organizing committee know in advance.

The science club reminds you to have your permission slips in by Tuesday for

Friday's out -of -this -world trip to the planetarium.

Stop it! You're making a fool of yourself!

Apparently, Miss Miller feels she can do a better job with this morning's

announcements.

No, I... It was my parents.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

You haven't folded any of the laundry?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not that I don't want to fold the laundry. It's that I

can't.

I'm laundry -lexic.

That must be really tough since you're also a full -of -crap -a -holic.

Go ahead and laugh, but in my mixed -up world, shirts are pants, pants are

shirts. Try walking a mile in my gloves.

See, that's wrong, and I don't know why.

I wonder whose receipt this is.

I've never been to Uncle Salty's nudie palace.

No, it's from the Urban Lair. It sounds like one of those stores Lorne goes to.

Ah, then all previous comments should be disregarded.

So I told him we'd meet him on Saturday night.

I can't wait till Saturday.

What's going on Saturday night?

Nothing.

Well, didn't you just say it was going to be great?

Yeah, I have a math final and Brian's going to help me study. Isn't that

Studying, huh? Just like you were doing at the library yesterday when you really

were at the Urban Lair.

No, I swear I was at the library with Becca all afternoon.

I believe you. Brian, where was she?

Actually,

Mom, she really was there.

Oh, come on. You don't have to cover for her. Just say the word and Lauren's

doing all your chores for a month.

No, it's the truth. She was studying with Becca.

Okay.

I just saw the weirdest thing. You?

Look at that, a squirrel on water skis.

This is even weirder.

Brian and Lorne are getting along.

So? So. We got two teenagers suddenly willing to lie for each other. It's like

the Joker and the Riddler have joined forces.

You know what this means?

If they get Tina to be the penguin, they could rule Gotham.

You gotta get you a Catwoman suit.

Remember when I was in high school, when Linda and I started covering for one

another? After that, it was just booze and parties and one low -life guy after

another.

And then I met you.

There's no way our kids are as desperately skanky as you and your

And then I met you.

Bill, Brian and Lauren are in there talking about Saturday night. All right,

right. We'll keep an eye on them.

But you know who could really prowl around and figure this out? I'm not

a Catwoman suit.

Let me guess. We ran out of vacuum bags and you're just using your head now.

They're in there whispering.

You were right. I think someone's going down tonight.

Oh, my God. Give me that. Give me that.

They're either going to sip sodas with Sissy Spacek or assassinate Sammy Sosa.

our love.

In a second, you're going to be celebrating my puke.

That's it?

We're just going to let him go? Shouldn't we at least warn Sammy Sosa?

We don't have to let him go. We have no reason to keep him.

You're right. We don't want to be the kind of parents who judge our kids when

don't even have proof.

Exactly. Which is why we need to rifle through Brian's room.

So, what are we looking for?

We'll know it when we find it.

Ah, jeez. Here's something you hate to find in your son's bedroom.

Dirty magazine?

Worse. The songs of Stephen Sondheim.

The door is locked.

This can't be good.

Well, looky here.

Brian's driver's license.

Apparently, he's 21 years old and lives in West Palm Beach, Florida.

A fake ID?

Oh, my God. There's a whole stack of them. Our son is making fake IDs.

Just like we did.

You know what?

Seeing one of our kids' names with a different address, kind of nice.

You know, if he has these right out here, can you imagine what he has locked

the closet?

Okay, stand back.

Don't hurt yourself.

Don't break the door.

I'm not going to break the door.

got here.

Keep out.

Yeah, like that's gonna stop me.

God,

there's a bunch of money in here. He's making a fortune out of selling fake

Wow. Maybe he really does have a place in West Palm Beach floor.

Nothing in Lauren's room.

Not gonna let them get the best of us. As soon as they come home, we're going

confront them with the evidence and find out what they're up to tonight.

I'll take Brian, you take Lauren. Gotcha. I'll crack her like an egg on

morning.

With some bacon.

Maybe some of those little cinnamon buns.

No, no, biscuits.

No, buns.

Bill, Bill, stay focused.

Okay, we've got to be together on this. We have to show them what happens when

we stay united.

We'll be like Superman and Wonder Woman.

I'm not dressing like Wonder Woman.

Fine, I'll return it. Okay, here they come.

Hey, guys.

We need to talk to the two of you. Yeah, Lauren, in the kitchen with me. Brian,

upstairs with your mother.

She's going to work you over like she's Lara Croft Tomb Raider.

Not going to happen.

So, anything you want to tell me about what's going on tonight?

No.

That's all right.

We got nothing but time.

Pretty hot in here, huh?

Actually, it's not too bad.

Well, then I guess you won't be needing this.

No, I have my own.

We're not here to talk about your wall. Well, we should be. There's a gaping

hole in it.

Well, why don't you tell me why your closet door was locked?

It wasn't locked. The doorknob sticks. I've asked Dad to fix it like a hundred

times. Oh, yeah? So you expect me to believe that you asked your father to

it a hundred times and he never... Oh, well, that makes sense.

Well, what about these, huh? Tell me about these.

They're fake IDs. I made them. So you admit it?

Yes.

Wait, why would you admit that?

I made him for a report I did in my journalism class about how easy it is to

fake IDs. It made the front page of the school paper.

Oh, please. I think if you had an article on the front page of the school

I would have known about it.

I gave it to you to read. You said you loved it.

Oh, yeah, that was a great article.

What was your favorite part?

The part about...

I'm not the one on trial here.

You better start giving some answers because your sister is down there right

spilling her gut.

Now, I'm going to ask you one more time. And I'm going to tell you one more

time. You could not have any of my cream soda.

All right. Be a baby.

It's so hot in here.

Why don't you turn off the oven?

Why? Why? Because the heat's getting to you, huh? And you're about to crack?

Huh? Huh?

Ew! You foot! Why don't you... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Now, about these fake IDs.

I told you.

Brian made them for an article he wrote in the school paper.

Mom didn't tell you about it? No, she didn't. And your mother tells me

everything. Maybe she was distracted. That was the day of her court date.

Court date?

Well, yeah. She was trying to beat a speeding ticket.

She told you about the speeding ticket, right?

Yes. You smart guy.

If you're so innocent, how do you explain this big, giant, black box full

money? It's my money.

Where'd you get it?

I have a job.

Why do you keep it hidden in your closet?

Because you and Dad are always borrowing my money.

I'm still waiting for the 60 bucks Dad took last Friday when he went to the bar

with Fitz.

Last Friday he was watching Tina.

Yeah, he took her with him.

He took Tina to a bar?

Yeah, she ate six pickled eggs. You want to bet?

Six pickled eggs on Friday night. That explains Saturday morning.

You feeling any better?

Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the cream soda. I got a little overheated.

Can I talk to you?

You took our daughter to a bar?

What? Last Friday, you took Tina to a bar.

Bar? Aunt Grill.

But I guess you couldn't read the whole sign as you were speeding by.

Miss Court Date. Oh, please. You taking Tina to a bar is much worse than me

getting a couple of speeding tickets. A couple of speeding tickets? Oh, my God.

What? Oh, Bill, don't you see what they're doing? Brian and Lauren are

up against each other. They're good. Real good.

Well, that's about to stop. We're going in there as a team, and we're going to

find out what's going on tonight. Okay, baby.

Where'd Lauren go?

Oh, Brian?

Lauren?

Brian and Lauren just drove away in his van. What?

Why didn't you stop them?

Um, I was going to throw myself under the rear wheels, but this is a new

I can't believe they left.

Well, didn't you tell them they needed to stay? I thought you told them they

to stay. I mean, Judy... Oh, oh, they're good. They're really good.

That's it. We've really got to stick together now.

Is that cream soda?

No.

Tina, you hear things.

And while it's good to keep some secrets, other secrets need to be told.

Daddy took me to a bar.

Honey, we're just trying to find out if you know where Brian and Lauren are.

They said they're getting prizes for being the best people in school.

Damn it, they got to her.

Okay, okay, you're all done here.

Daddy took me to a racetrack, too. I said you're done.

And it was a petting zoo.

You want a trifecta? Done.

Have you checked Brian's computer? Maybe he left a trail.

That's a good idea. Checking on my son's computer is how I found out he was gay.

A lot of gay websites, huh?

No, when I went into his room to check his computer, he was necking with some

guy.

Let's go up to Brian's room, check out his computer.

This is crazy.

Thank God I found that receipt from the Urban Lair or we wouldn't have known any

of this was going on.

Wait, the Urban Lair, the tattoo parlor?

Tattoo parlor?

I hate kids.

Hey, password.

Password? We need Brian's password.

Try Sondheim.

Well,

you really know your kids.

Yes, I do.

All right, let's see where he's been.

U .S. Senate, Hubble Telescope, Lucky Jackpot Casino. Oh, I'll go to that.

Look at that. It's an online casino site.

It seems as though Brian set up an account here.

Oh, my God. That's what this is about. The whispering, the fake IDs.

Check it out. It's blackjack, roulette.

Bill? We got a problem.

The Urban Lair's a tattoo parlor. You think Lauren got a tattoo?

Well, I don't know. The receipt was for only $30.

Yeah, it's probably a deposit. Sometimes they recommend people pick out a design

and then sleep on it. So a stupid teenager can come to her senses.

Yeah, or, you know, a slightly drunk woman who wanted to commemorate the

of her cat.

God, Bill, Lauren could be down there getting a tattoo using one of Brian's

IDs. Yeah, which he's also using to gamble online. You and Linda get down

We've got to figure out a way to close down his account.

God, gambling tattoos?

Who do our kids think they are, Limp Bizkit?

Boy, at times like this, I'm happy to just have a normal gay son.

Excuse me.

Be within a minute.

Judy, maybe this is a misunderstanding.

I mean, would Lauren really get a tattoo?

Are you kidding? This is totally the kind of stupid thing I would have done

I was her age. Permanently scarring my body with some tacky... Ooh, Aerosmith.

That's cute.

Hey, some of this jewelry is really nice. Oh, I love this little earring

the chain on it.

Huh. I swear there's only one.

Maybe it's not an earring. Maybe it's a belly button ring.

Lower. No!

It's also available as a clip -on. Oh.

wondering, have you seen either one of these kids in here?

No, not him.

She looks familiar.

She does?

You gave my underage daughter a tattoo?

Now that I'm thinking about it, I've never seen her before in my life.

I know you.

Yeah, I've been in here before. I almost got a kitty cat tattoo.

No. We did it at a party once.

The dealer's showing a three.

I'm feeling a vibe here.

Hit it.

I can't believe you listened to me.

You feeling a vibe?

Well, what's that?

Well, that's an IM.

An instant message from one of Brian's friends.

Brian, still meeting, parking lot behind school.

S -Y -T, S -Y -T.

That's got to be code for something.

See you there.

So they're meeting behind the school.

Well, you remember all the trouble we used to get into behind the school?

Man, if those walls could talk.

Sometimes they did, man.

Unfortunately, none of them ever told me to put down the bong and go to college.

Behind the school?

Okay, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. I'll be there as

I can.

Are we almost done here?

Sure. If your favorite band is Aerosmith.

Okay, I found Brian's van, but he wasn't in it.

There's a lot of cars here.

Hey, there's a light on inside. You think they could be in there?

I bet they are.

Remember when we used to get the munchies and break into the cafeteria?

And we'd tear off, go down to the gym, get out the mats.

Maybe I'll get in there.

I think it's just jammed.

Congratulations, Brian, on your journalism award.

isn't the only Miller being honored tonight.

The Performing Arts Award goes to Lauren Miller.

Miller family has a lot to be proud of.

And a lot to be ashamed of.

Why didn't you two tell us you were getting awards tonight?

Because, believe it or not, we thought you might embarrass us.

Why would you think that?

Look around!

Well, you're not completely innocent. I know all about your online gambling,

mister. What, you mean the account I set up to research my article on fake IDs?

The one I just won this award for?

Okay, that settles it. Someone in this family's got to read this article and

tell me all about it.

And what about your little trip to the urban lair for a tattoo? Want to explain

that? I did get a tattoo. I bought this necklace to wear here tonight.

Well, why didn't you just tell me that?

Because I knew you'd want to borrow it and I'd never see it again.

That would look cute on me.

How could you think I would get a tattoo that's so slutty?

It's not slutty.

Tattoos can be tasteful.

You have your trailer trash.

I'm not trailer trash.

You got a tattoo?

I didn't get a big one.

Cool.

So let's recap.

You thought we were going to break into this school, but you did.

You thought I was getting a tattoo, but you got one. And just on a hunch, Dad,

how much did you lose gambling on my account?

300 bucks.

All right, I'm sorry that we put our stuff on you. You are not us. You're

better kids than we were, and we are thankful for that.

We're sorry for embarrassing you, and we're really proud of you for winning

these awards.

Oh, I'll do that.

Fine, fine.

There's a step pin for all the winners at Miss Crawford's house. If you want to

barge in and ruin that, too, I can give you the address. No, no, no, we're done

for the night. We'll see you at home.

And to show you how much we trust you, we're extending your curfew till 12.

fun.

Can you believe them?

I can't believe they bought that story about the reception.

So where am I dropping you? Oh, the party by the lake. Where are you headed?

Brian Miller of West Palm Beach, Florida will be trying to get into Uncle

Salty's nudie palette.

That should do it. Now, you cannot tell anybody where you got this ID.

Goodie, I'm 25 again.

Yeah, can you shave another five pounds off?

Okay, but it could take a while.

I don't care. I'm 25.

I

wouldn't

have it any other way.

Cause you make me happy