Original subtitles

Well, hello, sweet thing.

You seen what I'm seeing, boys?

I got eyes.

I'd like to get me some of that.

I know I'm not allowed to touch, but there's no law against dreaming.

I gotta get a better look.

Um,

excuse me.

Uh, my friends and I were just, uh, wondering if, um, you could get out of

way, you're blocking the big TV.

She is so beautiful. I wish I could take her home with me.

Bill, I'm not married, but is this what love feels like?

Yeah, except with this, you can turn it on and fall asleep without getting

yelled at.

Hey, Graham, that's some love I can't afford.

No, guys, I got a little surprise for you. This is the floor model with a

beautiful little scrape right on the side.

So with our employee discount, this is only like a thousand bucks. I can't

believe I blew my last paycheck on brakes for my car.

A thousand bucks, that's a pretty good deal. Yeah, I was actually thinking

buying it myself, but I'm kind of saving up to get that tattoo on my back

colored in.

So you're going to buy it?

Nah, even at that price, Judy would never go for it. Which isn't fair,

work damn hard for my money.

Customer needs assistance in bathroom fixtures? Not it. Not it!

I'm in love with you today, cause you make me happy.

Prize for you, I rented your favorite movie.

Terms of Endearment?

I rented your second favorite movie.

Fried Green Tomatoes? I rented a movie.

St. Elmo's Fire.

Oh, I love that movie.

You do know it's not about a big fire, right? I know.

It's about a group of college graduates. They thought they'd be friends forever,

but forever couldn't last.

Brief nudity, yes.

So, what's with the chick flick?

Well, I saw this, and it reminded me of the time we went to see it at the

theater. I remember looking at you and thinking, this is the woman I want to

spend the rest of my life with.

Oh, Bill, that is so sweet.

God, our TV is so small.

I knew it. What?

You want a new television.

No, that'd be crazy.

I want a slightly damaged floor model, and with my employee discount, they're

practically paying me to take it. Oh, how much are they paying you?

Negative $1 ,000.

Oh, we can't spend that kind of money.

I knew you were going to say that, so I've come up with a complete solution

this entire problem.

Bill, it's not going to come to you. I know.

Listen, when it comes to our financial decisions, we both have to agree on

everything. All right, all in favor of buying the TV, raise your hand.

That doesn't count!

Oh, looks like somebody's regretting the vote they already cast.

Shut it out!

All right, fine.

Let's just watch the tiny little movie.

Hey. Hey, Linda.

What are you guys up to? Watching a movie.

Ooh,

isn't Elmo fun?

Andrew McCarthy and Rob Lowe.

Love to be the meat in that sandwich.

I'm guessing that bread would have to be awfully toasted.

Want beer?

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Oh, Bill, there's a spider on your pants. Where, where?

Oh, my mistake.

But now that you're up, can you get us some beer?

What a night. No new TV, crappy movie, bag of jelly beans I ate on the way home

really creating problems.

Judy, okay.

Here's half the money that you loaned me. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What did you just say?

I'm just paying Judy back.

Judy loaned you money?

Oh, but that can't be possible, because that would be a financial decision I

would have been a part of.

Hey, Bill, look, there's nudity.

So, you loaned her money without telling me.

Look, it's an emergency. She needed a new transmission. And besides, she's

to pay us back when she gets her bonus next week.

Yeah, like I always do. Linda. Like you always do.

Okay, now I get it. There's a loophole in our money rules, and it's about, ooh,

this big.

Bill, there's a big difference in spending money on a television and

money to someone in an emergency.

Yeah, like when I had that big date and I had to get my teeth whitened. Will you

please shut up?

When you spend... When you spend money, it's different than when you loan money.

When you spend it, you never see it again. When you loan it, you get it

That's why they call it a loan.

Oh, a loan.

Like how you make our financial decisions. A loan.

Okay, Bill, I get your point.

Fine. You know what? I'm going to the bar. I'm going to have a few beers, and

I'm not going to ask you if I can buy them.

I'm going to make that financial decision alone.

20 bucks in my purse.

Thanks.

Judy and I decided we can't buy the TV.

What's the matter? Mommy wouldn't let you buy it?

No. Judy and I came to a mutual decision that it would be irresponsible.

Mommy won't let him buy it.

Only because I let her not let me buy it.

Ooh, you're so tough when you're doing what you're told.

You see, this is why you don't marry the pretty ones. They tell you what to do.

You marry a woman with bad skin and thick ankles, she'll carry that TV home

you.

And this TV belongs in one of our places.

Yeah, every Sunday we could get together, watch the game.

Well, you know, I've got 600 bucks in my tattoo fund.

I know I could get 100 bucks for my car, but that still leaves me like $300

short. I'm not going to have that kind of scratch until next week, unless I get

a loan.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say a loan?

Of course, that's exactly what you're gonna get.

Are you kidding?

I'd never qualify.

Well, that's because you've never been to the Bank of Bill, my friend.

Is that near the strip club on Halstead?

Yeah, sometimes.

See, someone once told me, when you spend money, it's gone.

But when you loan money, it comes back.

the money to buy the TV, and I get to come over to your place to watch it any

time I want.

You sure that's going to be all right with Mommy?

Hey, I'm the man of the house, because I'm taking the rules she laid down and

twisting them to suit my needs.

Wow, you know, you guys up in bathroom fixtures are pretty sharp.

Our motto is, we're number one and number two.

Lost again. I'm sorry.

Yeah,

now go upstairs before we marry you off.

Oh, I'm so glad you're home.

It's comforting when the man of the house walks through the door. Wait,

wait a minute. Why are you glad I'm home?

Wait, wait. Why are you the man of the house?

Well, I'm glad you asked, because today I exercised my power of financial

freedom. Oh, please tell me you did not buy that TV.

Of course not, because as you explained to me, when you spend money, you don't

get it back.

But when you loan money... What did you do?

I loaned the money to Jeff from Electronics to buy the TV, which, per

conversation last night, only requires one vote.

Ding!

Bill, what if something breaks and we need to come up with cash real quick?

Well, that's not gonna happen, Miss Doom and Gloom. You got nothing.

Well, you got me.

Honey, would you do me a favor and put some hot water in that pot over there?

Sure. You're darn right I got you.

Because I found a way to enjoy the pleasures of the big screen without

any money. You are a super -duper genius.

Tell me more.

Sounds like someone's a little jealous because I beat them at their own game.

This isn't really about the money, is it, Judy?

It's about power.

Who has it and who wants it.

How's that water coming?

So,

now I have the power to watch football every Sunday at Jeff's house on a big

screen that costs us, let me add it up, zero dollars.

And we all live happily ever after.

That's a cute little story, Bill. Hey, I've got a story for you. Today the

heater broke. The end.

Water heater broke?

Yes, you could stop doing that.

So, in conclusion, Conclusion, who here thinks Bill made a stupid decision?

Ding.

I can't believe the water heater broke.

Yeah, and it needs to be replaced, so you've got to go to Jeff and get that

money back.

Well, why don't you go get the money back from Linda? I did, but it's not

for a new water heater. All right, I'll just fix the one we already have. I am

the man of the house. Oh, Bill, you are not a fixer. That's not true. I fixed

the railing on the basement stairs, and I'll fix that water heater.

Damn railing.

I'll get the money back from Jeff.

Hey, Carl.

Didn't know you were working today.

I'm not. My cable's out.

Why are you wearing your work blazer?

Because I don't want to look like a loser standing here watching cartoons on

day off.

Have you seen Jeff?

No way, man. Sick people gross me out.

What?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Jeff broke his pelvis trying to move that big TV he bought.

He's flat on his back at his mother's place. He broke his pelvis. That's

horrible. Yeah, real horrible.

Guy gets to lie in bed for two months watching a big screen TV while people

attend to his pelvis.

And if you're not familiar with the pelvis, it's in this area.

What's he gonna do for money? You know, food, rent, the paying back of loans.

I took up a collection for him. That's great, Carl. How much you got?

Looks like a couple bucks.

Oh, come on. You've got to do better than this.

Yeah, well, people don't exactly dig deep when you mention the name Jeff

Hackman.

Wait a minute. That's Jeff Hackman?

Oh, my God. I loaned money to Hackman. Never pay you back, man.

You know how he got that nickname? Shut up.

The bath's water warm yet? Almost.

You know, this stinks. How much longer is the water heater going to be out? I

don't know. Could be another day.

You know, I heard you and Dad talking about finances. I have a computer

that could help you.

Hey, wait a minute. That's not a bad idea. How much do you think we could get

for your computer?

Hi. Oh, God, that's not... I've got the money to solve your problems, hi.

No, but I brought you flowers.

You spent money on flowers?

No, somebody sent them to Jeff.

Why are people sending Jeff flowers? Is Jeff dead?

No.

He did kind of break his pelvis.

What? How?

Getting the TV home.

So I'm guessing you didn't get the money. What is the matter with you? A

pelvis has been crushed, and all you can think about is the money.

Sometimes, Judy, you make me so angry.

This whole thing with you pretending to be the angry one never works, Bill.

That makes me so mad.

Go on, Bill. At this point, I'm just in it for the show.

You know what? I was thinking about this on the way home. Why don't we have the

money? What are you saying?

Well, you're the one who handles all the bills around here, and you're so sure

we're out of money.

You know what? I'm a professional businessman.

I bet if I took a look at our books, I could find an extra couple of hundred

bucks. Oh, you couldn't find a couple of hundred bucks in a pile of a couple of

hundred bucks.

All right, bring it on. Or are you afraid I'm going to find all your hidden

money? Oh, come on, Bill. Let's go on a hunt for all the hidden money. This

should be fun.

Let's start with the blue folder.

Oh, the blue folder.

Golly, sure hope I can understand it.

Okay, this is our monthly bank statement. This is what we make every

this is what we spend. Oh, well, we make more than we spend.

That's good news.

Well, it would be if we didn't have the red folder.

Okay, already I can see we would save money by having one less folder.

That's good, Bill. Put the 39 cents in your call.

All right, then. We use the red folder to hold the bills that we're juggling,

like this bill.

credit card debt.

Wow. What idiot gave us that much credit?

And there are the incentives, the doctor's bill, the dentist bill, student

activity fees, dance class, field trips. Then there's the bills we pay every

month, the mortgage, the phone, the gas, and car insurance. Yeah, stop, stop,

stop, stop. I'm out.

And this month is very tough, Bill, because the car needed new tires, the

property tax was due, and now you see why you can't go lending people money.

You loaned money to Linda. What if something had happened to her?

She could have been hit by a car.

Or pushed under a train.

Or gored by two bulls that were running at each other head -on.

Or plummeted at each other. I see you're giving us a lot of thought.

Sometimes it's hard for me to fall asleep at night.

The point is, Bill, this stuff is hard, and I'm on my own. Whenever I bring up

our finances, you're always...

Judy, in my defense, that's just because all this stuff is boring and hard.

That's right, Bill, it is. But I do it for us. And if you're going to give me

the responsibility, then you can't complain about it.

On the other hand, I should have talked to you first before I loaned Linda

money. Thank you. You're welcome.

We're agreed I never have to look at the blue folder again. Yes.

Now, we've got to go get our money back from Jeff. I don't think Jeff has any

money. Well, maybe not, but he's got a big -screen TV that's one -third ours

a receipt. Now, let's go.

Oh, you are so smart.

Why did you marry me?

Because booze goes right to my head.

Evening. I'm Bill Miller. This is my wife, Judy.

I work with your son. We just wanted to come by and see how he's doing. Oh,

that's so sweet of you.

We just love Jeff.

He's a little loopy right now. with all the medication, so you'll have to bear

with him. Come on in.

We bought him some flowers.

Oh, thank you. How thoughtful.

Well, it's the least we could do for our dear, dear friend Jeff.

How long have you known my son?

Is he sleeping?

I think so.

Fifteen years.

So you knew him when he was with Annie?

Oh, yeah.

Good thing he got rid of her, huh?

She died.

Well,

when someone dies, you don't want to keep them around.

Maybe we should get these in some water.

I'll go find a vase.

Okay, I'll go distract the old lady while you shake down the sick guy.

My God, I'll go up and suck.

There's my guy.

Hey, Jeff.

Bill. Bill.

Bill.

Word tastes like peaches today.

Hey, where's the TV?

Oh, it's over at my place.

I had a heck of a time getting it in there. I'm surprised I didn't hurt

This might not be the best time to ask, but our water heater busted, and I need

the money I loaned you to pay the plumber.

Plumber. Plumber.

Plumer.

That one tastes like kumquats.

Jeff, look, I'm sorry, but I need to return the TV for the money. Okay, man,

whatever you gotta do. Whatever. Great, great, great. I'm gonna need your house

keys and your receipt.

Check my pocket.

You're not wearing pants, are you?

No, I'm not.

Pass her over there.

Great.

Right this way, honey.

Oh!

I'm just such a neat freak.

Come this way.

Hey, guess what, Bill? Apparently, I'm the same size as Annie, and Mrs.

Hackman's going to give me a couple of bags of her old clothes.

I think you better try them on first.

It's the receipt in your wallet, Jeff.

Jeff, Jeff!

Bill!

Hey, buddy.

What's happening?

I need to find the receipt.

Okay, man, here.

Give me my wallet. I'll look for it. Wait. First, take my mittens off.

Oh, thank you.

Don't lose those.

All right.

Okay, here you go.

That's your driver's license.

I'm sorry, officer. I'm a little drunk.

Give me the wallet. Maybe I can find it.

Bill, come here. Come here. Did you hear what happened to Jeff?

You're Jeff.

I have?

That means I'm the guy who broke his... Keep it down. What are you doing?

Why do you have his wallet and keys?

My husband was angry because I loaned my sister some money, so he gave some

money to Jeff to buy the TV, and now our water heater broke, so we need that

money back. Could you please help us?

Oh, sure.

God, yeah. Let me get my checkbook.

Really? No.

Now get the hell out of my house.

Bye, Jeff.

Bye, Jeff.

No, you're Jeff.

I am?

That means I'm the guy that broke his... All right, we're

leaving. Well, the bright side, at least we didn't take advantage of a drugged

-out guy laid up in a hospital bed.

No, but we tried.

But we didn't. Maybe God has given us this opportunity to do the right thing.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Carl. What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by to give Jeff the collection I took up for him. Well,

like you got quite a bit of cash there. Yeah, I took off Jeff's name and taped

on a picture of a three -legged dog.

Good thinking. Yeah.

I better go in. Hey, you might want to wait a minute. They're changing Jeff's

bedpan. Oh, gross.

Hey, could you take it in for me? Sure.

Thanks. You're a friend.

Bill?

Maybe God got a whiff of us and decided to cut us a break.

We have to at least try to give it to him.

Okay, then.

Bill and Judy again.

I'm calling the cops.

God has spoken.

I'm good.

I wouldn't have it any other way.