Original subtitles

Guilty as charged.

Hello, couch, couch, seat of my pants. I believe you two have met.

Don't sit there. I just fluffed those.

You fluffed them. I paid for them. Oh, I win.

Fine, but it's your funeral.

You're wrong. If it was my funeral, my cousin Phil would be here hitting on

mother.

You know Grandma and Grandpa are coming in, right?

Yep, tomorrow.

Tonight, we relax and pray for a snowstorm to knock out every bridge and

from here to Indiana.

No, Dad. They decided to come in tonight.

Okay, then. Tell your mom I had to work late, and I'll see you in the morning.

Bill, did I hear you come in?

No. Oh, crap.

Okay, who knows what this is?

A sponge.

A harmless sponge.

How come I'm the only one who's not afraid to use it?

Honey, honey, calm down.

I heard your parents are arriving early.

I know their fighting drives you crazy, but just remember, this is our house and

we're adults.

Bill, did you wipe your feet?

Lauren said I didn't have to.

Because you make me happy.

Well, I think the house is grandparent ready.

All the rooms are clean, all their bad gifts are on display, and I'm still not

good enough to be married to you.

Suck it up. It's the one thing they agree on.

Yeah, they do seem to bicker more now than they used to. Did they ever get

along? Well, when I was a kid, they were both working, and their marriage was

kind of distant. A lot of things were left unsaid.

Boy, those were good days.

You know, when you get rid of everything they can throw at each other, this

place looks great.

Yeah, I don't know how we get so much crap in here.

Hey. We leave the door unlocked.

Oh, the grocery store was mobbed.

Bill, help her.

Hey, 16 therapists couldn't. How am I supposed to?

Bill, be nice. Linda's cooking Thanksgiving this year.

Why is she cooking?

Pathetic attempt to get Mom and Dad to notice me. Okay, so you want to trade

places? Good. Then they can call you morning, noon, and night to settle every

little argument.

They call you?

Not much.

Here we go.

Now, Judy, I know their fighting drives you crazy, but just remember, we have

one thing on our side.

Time. It's not allowed to stop.

Did you ever sit next to your father during a long drive?

Did you ever sit next to your mother while she ate a bag of caramels?

Well, he insisted on taking 94 instead of the tollway.

If you say it's up to me, then you've got no right to criticize later. You see

what I put up with, Judy?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey, Bill, you've got a loose railing out there. Somebody could kill

climbing those stairs.

I know.

Oops, it's your other daughter.

How's my baby girl?

Oh, all grown up, Mom.

Daddy!

Grandma, Grandpa.

Oh, look at these kids.

Hey,

hey, where are those sweater vests I crocheted for you?

We only wear those to church.

What's church?

Hey, Grandpa.

I got a little... little something for you brian if you'll go get the luggage

okay there you go 35 cents on big newton that's a

coupon that's the same as money i see you still got the painting i made for

i got a dollar for anybody can tell me what it is a dollar or a dollar off dog

food okay then bill why don't you help mom and dad get their things up to

brian's room and i'll start drinking i mean dinner

It's so great to get up and not have to go to work.

They're birds, Jean. They're not gonna stop chirping because you open the

and yell, shut up.

I opened the window for air.

The shut up was for you.

God, I miss work.

Oh, you two are up. How'd you sleep?

Terrible. Your father's nose was whistling all night.

I thought a train was coming.

If it comes tonight, get on it.

cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year.

I'll give you a hint.

Beef.

Oh, I don't know about that.

No, it's going to be really great. I've got a very special menu picked out. Sage

-infused turkey, yams with beurre blanc.

That better be French for marshmallows.

That all sounds delicious, dear.

If you need help, ask Judy. She's a wonderful cook.

Okay, that's a good idea. If I need help with my wild rice and blood orange

confit, I'll ask Judy.

Maybe she'll crumble some potato chips on top.

Oh, that sounds good.

Uh, listen, Judy, your dad and I were thinking that maybe we'd stay a little

longer this year.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

That's great.

We only get to see the grandchildren a couple times a year, and it's not like

gotta get back to work.

Just for a week or so. Would that be okay?

Uh, yeah, why not?

That is, if you're sure your condo is safe and you didn't leave the stove on.

could be on right now.

It's an electric stove.

You two can stay as long as you want.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

Judy, could you help me find the, uh... Pads for the table? Yep, that'll do.

A week or so, you're just gonna let this happen?

I can't tell my parents they can't stay with us. They would kill them.

Well, the loose railing didn't do it.

I'm just going to have to live with it. Gene, all that butter is going to kill

you. I know, but when?

When?

How can they not sell socks in a drugstore? It is not the drugstore's

you forgot to pack socks. I didn't say it was their fault. All I'm saying is

aisles. Devoted to the foot and not one sock.

We're back.

Hey, Bill.

So, day two on the socks, huh?

Turn them inside out, they're fine.

Not feeling good?

Well, I'll tell you, Bill.

She's my wife and I love her.

But she's hell on the lining of a stomach.

You forgot to pick up film for the camera.

if I give you a little advice? Shoot.

I am all ears and stomach acid.

Little trick I use when your daughter gets on my nerves. Not that Judy ever

on my nerves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quit sucking up. What do you got?

See, she starts yelling at me. I ask myself, what would I rather do for the

half hour? Argue with my wife or spend quality time with the TV?

And I calmly say, Judy, you have a point.

She walks away, and I'm back to the only button worth pushing.

But you lost the argument.

No, no, no. That's the beauty of it. Judy thinks she won because she heard

have a point.

But in my head, I was telling her to quit yapping.

It's like a secret language.

I call it wife away.

Oh, Gene, either open a window or put on some shoes. We got to eat in here

tonight. You know, Helen.

What?

You have a point.

Thank you.

Did you see that?

That's wife away. Does it always work that well?

I have low blood pressure, Gene. It ain't because of my healthy diet.

And so I got up all my nerve, and I walked across that dance floor to the

prettiest girl there.

And that gorgeous girl was your grandmother.

Six months later, we were married.

The sweet story, Gene, but it was eight months later.

Helen, when you're right, you're right.

Except when you're wrong.

Hasn't this been the best Thanksgiving ever?

I would like some more.

This really was a wonderful meal.

The least I can do is clear the table.

Gene, get up and help me. Nothing would make me happier.

Except if you would piss my ass.

What's going on?

I don't know, but isn't it nice?

I've never seen them get along like this. Like Linda put something in the

stuffing. Well, it's sage, mushrooms, and a secret ingredient I'll take to my

grave.

Walnuts!

This has been a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. And I would like to make a toast

to someone who went out of their way to make this night special.

Oh, Dad, that is so sweet.

My son -in -law, Bill.

What?

Bill taught me something today that I will never forget.

Really not necessary, Gene. Better left unsaid.

He taught me that family...

is the most important thing of all.

Oh, that.

And to my wife, Helen, who for 42 years has been the apple of my eye.

You want to know what that means? No.

That was such a sweet toast, Dad.

That's my genie jelly beanie.

What kind of mushrooms did you use?

parents. It's a miracle. They didn't yell at each other once.

Well, I think that sometimes life hands you little miracles and all you can do

is be thankful for them.

Just like I'm thankful for you.

What do you say we go over the river and through the woods?

Oh, I've got a great idea.

I bet I'll second it.

Why don't I go down and get us some pie so we can eat it right after?

Just when I think I can't love you anymore.

Go and say something like that.

Not the pies Linda made. The store bought one.

Duh.

Please tell me that's the name of the drink.

I thought they were supposed to be in Brian's room.

They were.

But for some reason they were downstairs.

Having sex.

On the couch.

That's too bad. I like that couch.

Me too.

You think they saw you? Oh, they saw me.

They saw me and they freaked out and they jumped up and, oh, Bill, I don't

want to get old.

What are we going to do?

I don't even think I can look at them.

I keep seeing them with his tongue in her ear.

Judy, Judy, you can't erase those memories, so don't give them to me.

Morning.

Morning.

Uh, pass the... Thanks.

Oh,

Linda! Linda! Oh, thanks.

That's always nice to be welcomed.

I come over and make everyone a morning after Thanksgiving breakfast.

Linda, honey, that's very sweet.

Oh, it's my pleasure, Mom.

I know you may have been stuck

sweet -talking me all day long, and Gene, that's too much butter.

It's a sliver. It's a pat.

It's a sliver. It's a pat.

You know what? I can't do this anymore.

Do what? Gene.

Pretend to be nice to you.

Pretend? That's right.

I've been telling you a whole lot of funny crap just to shut you up. Wait a

minute. So all those nice things you said yesterday were just a load of

This time I can say it and mean it.

You're right, darling.

Let me ask you this, Gene. If I'm so annoying, how come you were in such a

to get me on that couch last night? Because you're a great piece of ass.

I could just never get you to stop nagging me long enough for me to enjoy

Dad, I can't believe you lied to Mom. That's terrible.

What are you mad at me for?

I got the idea from Bill. It's what he's done with you your entire marriage.

me a bunch of phony crap just to shut me up? Secret language he uses. He calls

it wipe away.

Wow.

Oh, it has a name. That's cute.

Honey, I know it's going to sound like I'm just trying to cover my own butt

I say this, but I think your father's had a stroke.

I nag you so much you have to make up a whole language just to deal with me and

then you teach it to my father?

Right. You know what? None of this would have happened if you just had the

courage to tell your parents that a week is too long for them to stay.

we were such a burden to you. You're not a burden. Oh, no, no, no, no.

We get it. You don't want us around.

You could have told the truth when we asked you, but, uh, this works, too.

We'll have our bags packed by noon.

I'll mail you the socks.

Well, Brian's drinking. I'm not happy about that.

Couldn't convince your parents to stay.

Well, they were pretty angry.

Judy, Judy, couch, couch, couch.

Thanks. And I do mean thanks.

Not like when you say thanks, which I recently learned means shut up.

Honey, I just told your dad that stuff to stop your parents bickering.

I didn't mean any of it.

Aha. So you've never used wife away on me.

Okay, maybe a couple of times over the course of 15 years, but only when I

really have to. Oh.

You have to.

Only when I'm such a horrible nag, you need to use tricks to get me to shut up.

That is so childish.

You know, you're right.

I shouldn't have done it.

It was a stupid thing to do, and I'm sorry.

You feel better now?

Yeah, a little.

That's because I just did it again, and it works.

We fight, I tell you I'm sorry, and you feel better. You may not like it, lady,

but it works.

That's what our marriage is about?

Lies? Deception?

Judy, honey, don't cry.

I can't believe I've said all that stuff. Of course, that's not what's kept

together.

I'm so, so sorry.

Really, this time.

Ha! You're damn right you're sorry!

Oh, wait a minute. You just fake crying?

Of course I did. That's what I do when I want a real apology out of you.

So every time you cry, you're just doing it to get an apology out of me?

No. Sometimes I cry for real.

The beauty of it is you'll never know which is which.

It's a little something I call brilliant.

It's not as catchy as wife away, but it's very effective.

Wow, you're evil.

I'm into you.

We've already been over the river, but we never made it through the woods.

I'm not sure what that means, but count me in.

Catch, catch, catch her!

One more time?

Yeah.

Wouldn't have it.