Original subtitles

Bill, do we need to have that discussion about you wearing pants in the kitchen

again?

Oh, I see. So you want a whore in the bedroom and a daddy in the kitchen.

Just get dressed. We're meeting Linda and her new boyfriend in a half hour.

All right, but I'm telling you, this better be a short night. I don't care

we are. At 9 .30, the pants are coming off.

Fine, just don't forget them like last time.

No.

It's bad enough your sister has to date these losers.

Why do I have to date them, too?

Because we're family, and that's what you do for a family. Besides, it hasn't

been that bad.

Not that bad.

Let's take a look at the winners she's picked in the past.

It was the last guy she dated. Huge beard, the Civil War buff.

Sure sweat a lot.

And, oh, let's not forget neck tattoo guy, also known as can't leave the

It's not easy out there.

No, but obviously your sister is.

Give her a break. She's still waiting for the right guy. She's not willing to

settle like I do.

How did you settle?

There's a man with no pants and a raw wiener in his hand.

Is that a come on?

We've got three minutes.

I only need two because I'm half undressed.

So I keep trying to put my key into

my car door and it's not working. And I'm like, why isn't he not working? It's

my car.

And then this cute guy comes over and he's like, hey, what are you trying to

break into my car?

And I'm like, breaking into his car? What is he talking about?

You both drive the same kind of car.

Yeah. Isn't that a great story?

If it's done, then the answer's yes.

That's a cute way to meet.

How did you guys meet?

It was pretty much like your story, except we were both trying to get into

same pair of pants.

Speaking of pants, 823.

Phil and I met in high school. It's a classic American love story. Boy meets

girl. Girl's kind of stoned. Boy has nachos.

Eric has taken me to the symphony this weekend.

Yeah, it should be fun. My law firm has a box there.

That's fantastic.

Oh, you like the symphony?

No, I thought that was my steak coming.

Well, before dinner does come, I better hit the little boy's room. I'll be right

back.

Isn't he great? He's adorable.

Oh, yeah, yummy.

Although he did call the men's room the little boy's room, so don't get your

hopes up in the down there department, if you know what I'm saying.

Why did Bill have to come?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Time to get a beer.

Not fast enough.

Eric?

Oh, hey, Bill. I was on my way to the bathroom and I got sucked in.

John Mellencamp, behind the music. I love this one.

Yeah, I'm a huge Mellencamp fan.

Really? I remember seeing him in concert at U of I in 86.

The opening act was a young man named George Thurgood.

I went to that concert. I was there. You went to U of I?

Yeah, I was there from 86 to about three weeks later in 86.

Good times.

I just love going to that school.

Did you ever go to that bar that was done on 3rd? Yes.

Remember the waitress that worked there that always wore the... Yeah.

Well, you know, she and I, we... No.

Yes. Oh, you're my hero.

I tell you, Bill, I gotta be honest with you. I was not too thrilled about

meeting another girlfriend's family, but you're all right. You're not too bad

yourself.

We should get back to the table. Wait, wait.

Mellencamp's about to have his heart attack.

So yummy.

Yeah, it really makes you think.

You really got to watch yourself.

Oh, I hear butter sizzling. Mom, that's our steaks. Race you to the big one.

Oh, he's got him in a subatomic headlock.

Al, that's got to hurt.

Actually, I can tell you from experience, it does hurt.

You were a wrestler?

No, just married.

Bill and Eric seem to have hit it off.

I know.

It's freaking me out.

No offense to Bill, it's just, you know, Eric is such a classy guy, and I'm

worried Bill's gonna try and teach him how to burp the alphabet.

Oh, come on, give him some credit. He's not that bad.

Judy, do we have any hot dogs?

Eric's never eaten one straight from the package before.

See what he's doing there?

Now you don't have to call.

Bill, they opened up this new barbecue place in my neighborhood.

You and me should go sometime.

Wow, guy's night out.

It's been a while.

All my friends are married or have kids or I don't like them.

Well, we're friends, aren't we?

Yeah, I guess we are. Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of each other.

We like the same music, same sport.

Crying out loud, we even finish each other's... Sentences?

Beer.

Yeah, but you know what sucks about that?

Now we're out of beer.

Maybe it's just as well it'll give me some more time to spend with my kids.

Brian! What?

Come down here. I want to talk to you.

Really?

Yeah, how you doing?

Give me a beer.

Wow, Bill, that's not very nice.

No, no, hold on, Brian. Eric's right.

Grab him one, too.

When he brings the beers, don't open them right away. He usually shakes them

first.

You guys going out with Eric and Aunt Linda again?

Yep. And they're leaving me in charge to make sure your homework is done.

Okay. But if I get done early, do you think you could teach me how to play

chess?

Really?

That'd be great, Lauren.

As if.

Checkmate, loser.

Funny, Lauren.

You're going to need that sense of humor when you're serving cocktails at an

Indian casino.

Hey, I'm sure wherever your sister winds up serving cocktails, it'll be class.

Is Eric here? I thought I heard him. No, they're not here yet.

Why are you wearing that sweatshirt?

That's where I went to college.

You went there for three weeks.

Yeah, but I lived in the dorm for six months.

Besides, Eric went to U of I, too. I thought he'd get a kick out of it.

Are you wearing an aftershave?

Well, when I shave, I put on aftershave. You shaved at 6 o 'clock at night.

Why is that so unusual?

You didn't shave on our wedding day.

In all fairness, neither did you.

Oh, this is so cute. You're getting all dolled up for your new best friend,

Eric.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the one who told me how important family was supposed to be?

Well, one day I hope to welcome Eric into this family.

I'm not so sure you should be our greeter.

Well, I just had the worst day of my life. Where's the booze?

Oh, what's going on?

I broke up with Eric.

What?

Uh, what?

The bastard cheated on me. Oh, my God. What happened?

Well,

um, I went over there to give him a little surprise, and, uh...

I can't believe this guy did this to you.

Now, now, now, wait a minute. Before we jump to conclusions, maybe there was a

perfectly good explanation.

For the woman in the shower with him?

Maybe he didn't know she was in there.

Shut up!

Honey, I'm sorry.

I know, I am too.

I just really thought this guy might be the one, you know? Me too.

You did, but there'll be others, plenty of others, right, Bill? Not like him.

Yeah, yeah, plenty of others. Lots of fish in the sea.

Couldn't you just not?

All right, come on. We'll make a picture of Margarita, do our nails, and we'll

throw darts at the picture of the guy who dumped you, just like we always do.

Do you have to make it sound so routine?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, but it is what it is.

I'm going to go change.

I've got something underneath this outfit that's very uncomfortable.

Boy,

that Eric is real jackass. I can't believe he did that.

He's really going to hear it from me when we go bowling this weekend.

Is your bed totally empty, or is there, like, fruit punch in there?

What? You can't go bowling with Eric.

Remember what we said about family? Well, he just screwed over a member of

family. You can never talk to him again.

But he's my friend.

Well, you're going to have to find another friend.

I don't want to find another friend. I like Eric.

Well, too bad.

Oh, come on, Judy. That's not fair.

First you made me be friends with him. Now you say I can't? I can do what I

want. I'm going to call Eric right now.

All right. You know what, Bill? Fine. If you want to call Eric, call Eric.

Really? Yeah.

He hurt my sister really, really bad. My baby sister who I've taken care of my

whole life.

But if you want to call him, go ahead.

There's the phone.

If you can get to that phone.

You could call him.

I hate it when you do that one.

Watching wrestling?

Yeah.

Are you okay, Bill? You haven't moved all day.

My move?

Couch is my only friend.

Well, I know a toilet upstairs that's going to be very jealous.

Hello.

Eric.

What the hell are you doing calling here?

Yeah, yeah, you screwed up. You screwed up big time.

I shouldn't even be talking to you.

So how you doing?

Yeah, I saw cops last night.

That guy did not look like me.

All right, maybe a little.

No, no, no, no. I'm pretty happy with the long -distance service I have right

now.

Sorry, Judy was in the room.

Look, I gotta go.

What?

Springsteen concert?

No, I can't.

Luxury box?

No, no, there's no way.

Because family.

Something about family.

Backstage passes.

Oh, man, you're killing me.

Well, how can I say no to that many free weekend minutes?

Okay, right. I'll meet you in the parking lot. Not a lot of minutes.

lot of minutes.

Man, that was pretty good barbecue, huh? Pretty good.

If those ribs were sex, I'd be asleep right now.

Want to grab a beer?

Nah, I gotta be home for dinner.

You're gonna eat dinner now.

Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to be with another man.

So, you, uh, want me to drop you a dinner to block again?

That'd be great.

I just hate having to sneak around like this.

Is Judy ever going to cool off enough for us to hang out again? I mean, it's

been two weeks. I don't know. You did cheat on her sister. I know. I'm an

I didn't mean to do it.

It's just that my ex -girlfriend shows up, right?

She's not wearing anything on under her coat.

Next thing I know, I'm in the shower with her. What are you going to do?

Wake up from my dream and try and get some from Judy.

All right, well, here we are.

Oh, by the way, that Hawks -Red Wings game we were going to go to tomorrow

night, I can't make it. I got a work claim.

Oh, man, I really wanted to go to that game.

I think I'm looking at an all -nighter, so... See, that's why I work at a

department store. No all -nighters.

Well, except that one time I got locked in.

It wasn't a bad night. I slept on a waterbed and wore a tuxedo.

Hey, look who's home for a change. I thought you had inventory every night

two weeks.

Oh, yeah. Well, we were counting and counting and counting.

And then we decided to just call it a buttload and go home.

There's a hockey game on. Who's playing?

Hawks -Red Wings. Big game.

The kind of game you'd really love to be at. But what are you going to do?

I told Linda I'd go with her to her stupid pottery class.

Well, maybe I won't watch it now. Maybe I'll tape it and we can watch it

together later.

If I hadn't already slept with you like a gazillion times.

Maybe you could make a little TV out of clay and watch that.

Oh, what a check. Welcome to Chicago, chum.

Tick -tock, clay's getting dry.

Call her after first period and make something up about the kids.

That's why we had them.

Want a beer?

Yeah. Get me one, too.

Brian, can we talk?

Guess I should throw in an actual talk every once in a while just to throw him

off.

Hey, there's Eric.

Where? Right there. He's at the game.

Behind those two guys checking each other into the boards.

That can't be him.

Who the hell's that guy with him?

I don't know. Who cares? I do. I care.

Why? I just want to know what sort of person would hang out with a cheater. A

damn cheater.

I'm a good guy, right?

Dad, before you go any further, if you and Mom are breaking up, I'm going with

her.

No, no, no. What I mean is, if you were my age, we'd probably be friends, right?

Hang out and stuff.

Fine with me, but after a long, hard day at work, would you really want to hang

out with your boss?

Yeah, that's a good one.

How's the shaving coming?

I'm just kidding.

Seriously.

If we were friends, you wouldn't blow me off, right? Make other plans behind my

back. I don't know.

It's kind of a hypothetical situation.

It is not.

It means a made -up situation?

I know that. I'm a grown man.

Penis still cracks me up.

Dad, you've been moping around here for two days. What's going on?

Nothing. I just want to hang out, have some guy fun with my guy.

Ow!

Sorry, sorry. Maybe I should just go.

No.

If you want to hang out, that's cool. Great.

So what are we up to?

I'm in the middle of an online chat.

Ooh, what's the hot topic?

Symmetries and geometrical coordinates.

Ah.

See, here's the tangent, and here's the x -coordinate.

Uh -huh. And this number represents the slope. Uh -huh, uh -huh.

I think we were looking for cosine.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

You're trying to think of a way to leave, aren't you, Dad? Uh -huh, uh

Hey, Bill.

Oh, good, Linda's here.

And she has a surprise for you.

She's leaving? That's so sweet.

Hey, Bill.

What's he doing here?

Eric and I had a very long discussion yesterday, and Eric realized that he

a terrible mistake, and...

He's willing to fully commit to making our relationship work.

Pee -yew.

What a load of crap.

Bill? I'm sorry, but this guy is a cheater. Once a cheater, always a

You are a cheater, mister.

Isn't that right, cheater?

Please stop saying cheater.

Bill, we need to support Linda's decision. Besides, I thought you liked

I'm sorry, Judy, but I can't just stand by and watch Linda get my heart broken

again.

Did you just say my heart? No, I didn't say my heart. He broke Linda's heart by

sneaking around with that other guy.

You mean other woman.

Oh, you picked a hell of a day to start listening to me.

What was that all about? I saw you. What?

I saw you at the game with that other guy.

Next time, if you want to be a liar and a cheat, don't get such good seats.

Bill? There was a perfectly good explanation. Oh, is there, Mr. All

I wanted to go to that game, and you knew it. Hey, hey, hey, look, I am

sorry, all right?

It was a good friend, and he was in from out of town. Oh, really?

What was he wearing under his coat?

Let me tell you something. I deserve better than this.

I stuck around with you behind my wife's back for two weeks.

What? What?

Snuck around with him behind my back?

To plan that surprise party for you.

And this is the, uh... Oh, I got nothing.

I can't believe you, Bill.

Oh, but they're back together now, so everybody's okay.

No, everybody isn't. Your family obviously means nothing to you.

Oh, I get it. You were supposed to go to that hockey game with Eric. That's why

you got so upset when we were watching last night.

What? What?

You were supposed to go to my pottery class with me.

What?

You said you couldn't go because you had to go to Lauren's dance recital.

What?

Lauren, honey, remember your dance recital last night and how I was there,

then it started to rain and they told us all to go home and watch hockey?

Oh, yeah.

Like you would lie for me.

I'm so sorry, Linda, but I love hockey.

And come on, pottery class.

I can't believe you lied to me.

I can't believe you lied to me.

Want to see what's on TV?

Sure.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

Crap.

What's the matter?

I have to go with Linda to some stupid French pastry class every Thursday for

the next six weeks.

Well, you know, she is your sister. It's important that you support her. We

don't get to bring any of the pastries home. Well, then that blows.

Serves me right for lying. There's nothing but trouble down that road,

especially with families. Don't I know it.

Hey, quick question.

I started checking out some college catalogs. You guys are putting away

for my college fund, right? Yeah, of course.

Every week? Great, thanks a lot.

Okay, that does it. That is our absolute last lie.

I wouldn't have it any other way, cause you make me...