Original subtitles

Oh, another exciting math -a -thon.

I wish someone would do the math on how many years that took off my life.

Come on, you should be proud.

Your son just won.

He won?

Well, yeah. Why'd you leap up and cheer?

I was just so happy it was over.

I'm so proud of you, honey. Thanks, Mom. Yeah, good job, son.

So what happens now? You go to the locker room and ice your brain?

This is a beautiful trophy. Yeah, what is that?

It's the symbol for pie.

You know what pie is, right?

Yeah, it's a delicious dessert sometimes served a la mode.

Know what a la mode is, Brian?

You're hungry, aren't you, Bill?

I could eat.

I'm going to be right back. I'm going to go talk to one of the judges. I lost

points on a conclusion that I think I can defend.

All right, Judy, be honest.

Which of these eggheads is Brian's real father?

Buck teeth, bow tie.

I made him use his inhaler three times that night.

Let's get out of here before people start to talk to us.

Maybe for once we should mingle with the other parents. They're no different

than us.

Hey, my T -shirt's on backwards.

On second thought, maybe we should get going.

Hey, Mr. Miller, Coach Hollinger.

Hey, my dad was your football coach when I was a little kid.

Boy, they say old age creeps up on you, but it just hit you on the head like a

brick.

I remember you, little Teddy Hollinger. You were so cute.

I taught you the F word.

Couldn't be a coach without it.

Hey, listen, what are you going to let Brian go out for the football team?

What the F are you talking about?

I saw him in gym class. He's got quite a leg. He could be a good place kicker.

Really? The football team? I don't think Brian's the type of... Woman, please, a

smart man is talking.

So you want Brian on the team?

Well, I'm not saying he'd be first string, but we could use him on the

Now, you're talking about Brian Miller, this kid, right? The one getting beat up

by his sister?

Yeah. Tell him to think it over.

Okay, Bill, don't go crazy. We don't even know if Brian wants to do it. Judy,

can't hear you over the chorus of angels singing in my head.

Stay calm.

Great news.

The judge gave me credit. Turns out my polynomials were inverted.

Well, they're about to drop, son, because you're playing football.

It's about time you guys got home. It took me forever to get Tina to go to

sleep. I know. We've been circling the block waiting for the bedroom light to

out.

I'm going to go email my biology study group and tell them that I won. Hey,

don't forget to tell them about football.

I told you, Dad. I have to think about that. I know. Oh, and hey, I love you,

son.

I know, Dad. You told me six times tonight.

Get out of here, you crazy kid, before I make it seven.

Ah, what the hell. I love you.

What about me?

I'm sorry, honey.

Lauren loves you, too, O 'Brien.

Your brother's going out for the football team.

Cool. After he gets flattened, he can be our new doormat.

He is not going to be flattened. We're not even sure he's playing football.

What are you talking about?

He could get hurt.

I never got hurt when I played.

Yeah, well, look at you. You got bigger bones than the thick candy coating.

The kid needs exercise. He's always cooped up in his room studying. It's

we're raising veal.

No, it's not. If he were veal, you would have breaded and fried him by now.

I had some of the best years of my life playing high school football.

I learned things there that I still use today. Things like sportsmanship,

teamwork, learning to respect your fellow players.

Didn't you get one of the guys drunk and shave his head?

No, three of us did it. That's teamwork.

Besides, this is a chance for one of our kids to be an athlete.

Lauren played soccer for four years. Yeah, yeah, and Tina rides a tricycle

fast.

We're talking about football. My son on the field of glory.

I just don't want you to become one of those crazy fathers who push their kids

into things.

Hey, it's a father's duty to toughen up his son. When I was a kid, my dad made

me fight a dog just for a bet.

I asked your father about that. He swears it never happened.

Oh, yeah?

Did you ask him how he got that ping -pong table?

Just let Brian make his own decision.

Fine. Where are you going?

I'm going to make sure he gets all the facts. You know, the pros and cons, so

can make an informed decision.

Pros and cons, you promise?

Scouts honor.

You were never a scout.

Because scouts are losers and football players rule.

Hey, sport.

I know, Dad. You love me.

You bet I do, son.

So how come you never told me the coach asked you to be on the team?

Well, I figured between math leads, junior achievement, and debate club, I

really didn't have the time for football.

You never told me you were on the debate team.

Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Oh, you're good.

Now, I may not know about debate or understand most of what you say, but I

care about you.

Thanks, Dad.

Son, son, son, son.

Let me tell you a little story about a secret land, an enchanted place where

Golden Boys wear magical jackets.

That land is high school.

And that jacket is a varsity football jacket.

If you wear that magical jacket, it'll open doors for you. What kind of doors?

Well, let's just say some of those doors hook in front, some in back.

Okay, I'm with you now. But shouldn't girls like me for who I am?

Brains and a sense of humor.

Dad, you heard the coach. I'd only be third string in football. I'm the star

the math team.

And that's great, son, but you know how at your math -a -farms there's always

those really hot girls cheering you on?

Dad, there aren't any cheerleaders.

Oh.

You're finally doing the kind of math you can actually use in life.

Okay, I'll give it a shot. All right, that's my boy.

Okay, come on, hit me, hit me.

I'm a kicker, Dad. Kick me, kick me.

Dad.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little excited.

Now, you're sure this is your decision and you made it all by yourself and

be willing to casually work that into a conversation with your mother?

Yeah, I guess.

Good. Because I'm here to support you in anything you do.

This is about what you want, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Why'd you make us come to Brian's stupid football game? You never take us to a

stupid math tournament.

I think you just brought us to carry your food.

Oh, you're also here in case I drop my keys under the bleachers.

Wow, looks like Brian's been talking to the coach for a long time.

Yeah, he's showing him how to set his digital watch.

Yeah, check out number 43. He is so cute.

43, 24, 81, they're all the same.

You remember their number, but they never remember yours.

Next thing you know, it's prom night, you get dumped, your mascara's running,

and everybody's laughing at you.

Enjoy high school, honey.

Excuse me, this section is reserved for football parents.

Well, then we fit right in, because that's our boy down there, number three.

Oh, well, nice to meet you. I'm Frank Berenger.

Well, the quarterback's father. My son lets your son copy off.

Then I need to buy you a beer after the game.

Really? Sure.

Plus, my wife made some pork sandwiches.

Here, help yourself.

Thank you.

You don't need to thank me. You're part of the club now. Your kid's a football

player.

Bill, butch up. You're starting to cry.

That's because he's 20.

playing poker.

Okay, sounds like fun. I'll tag along.

Ooh.

Every time you hoo, I'm not going somewhere.

Linda, I'm sorry I'd invite you, but it's just for the football moms, and

not like you invite me to everything you go to.

Yes, I do.

Really? That's all you do?

Hey. Hey, Bill. Hey, Carl. Sorry I'm late. Carl helped me pick up some

on the way home.

Oh, Linda, Linda, Linda.

Man, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Carl, your eyes are sore from the last woman who pepper sprayed you.

You know, tomorrow, Bill and I are going to lay some sweet linoleum.

If you come by, you might just catch me with my shirt off.

You'd make it easy to wipe out my lunch.

You're so hot.

You're so creepy.

That's a fine line.

See you tomorrow.

Bill, where are you going?

Thought I'd grab Brian and throw a football around before dinner. You might

to hold off on that.

Why, is he studying for an exam?

He's studying with the cheerleader.

What? I said he's studying with the cheerleader.

Oh, I heard you. I just wanted to hear it again.

Bill, you're not going anywhere near there.

You know, I'm shocked. You are so sexist.

If that was our daughter up there with a boy, you'd want me to check on her,

wouldn't you? Bill. All I'm saying is there shouldn't be a double standard for

Brian. I want everything equal in this house because I care about all my

children equally.

Daddy, there's a big black spider in my room.

Good for you. You have a pet.

So you think you can make it on Saturday?

Definitely. Okay, let's see if you got this.

C -O -U -G -A -R -S.

Go Cougars!

What are you guys doing?

Cheering. Why?

Well, Dan, remember how you said you'd be supportive of anything I wanted to

Well, I want to quit football and become a cheerleader.

Oh, really? Well, uh, that's, uh... Cheerleader, huh?

Oh.

Judy?

Judy?

Well, are you okay?

You were right. I never should have gone up there.

I walked in on Brian and that cheerleader.

You know what they were doing?

Bill, you cheered the first time you made out with me, too.

No, they were cheering, rah -rah, jumping around.

Brian wants to quit football and become a cheerleader.

Wow, didn't see that one coming.

So you pushed him to go out for football, and now he wants to be a

Well, look on the bright side, you made my day.

They change their minds all the time. We need to support them.

Cheerleading, really?

Take it easy, Cameron. Okay, I'll see you at tryout. Remember, it's hip, step,

hip, step, slash, shake, slash, shake, slash, shake.

Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me.

Dad, I know what you're going to say, but I tried football and I didn't like

The guys all picked on me.

I got news for you, Brian.

That might not stop when you start carrying pom -poms.

Bill, the girls use pom -poms. The boys use roundy rags.

Look, Dad, cheerleading is everything you want from me. I'd be on a team,

getting exercise, making new friends. And you said it was my choice, right?

Right. His choice. To be a cheerleader.

Good, because there's an opening on the squad.

Trials are in two days. And if I make it, they're going to use me in the game

this weekend.

Great. That's great.

Good for you.

Thanks, Mom.

So you're really okay with this, Dad?

Yeah, whatever you want is okay with me.

I'm sure you'd make a good cheerleader. You've always been very bendy.

Thanks, Dad. You're the greatest.

Oh, and if I make it, guess what? I still get a jacket.

It's actually more of a sweater vest, but there's a makeup on on it.

I love you, Dad.

I love you, too, son.

So where's that hot sister -in -law of yours?

What hot sister -in -law?

All I have is one that's shrill and needy.

So is she seeing anybody?

Yep. I think so, but don't worry. Eventually he'll see her and it'll be

Rebound?

Sweet.

You go in the kitchen and grab the tape. Sure.

Hey, Bill, is it your birthday?

No, why?

There's a bunch of cheerleaders in your backyard.

Oh, yeah, we're using them to scare away the squirrel.

That explains it.

How do you explain your son doing cartwheels across the lawn?

Well, that's really very simple. God hates me.

Brian quit the football team. Now he wants to be a cheerleader.

Dude, that's messed up.

Dude, you think?

He does a pretty good cartwheel, though. That was a girl.

Sorry. This is so messed up.

Ah, there goes Brian.

That's gotta hurt. Hey, all the girls are helping him up. Sweet.

my ankle. I landed wrong.

Honey, what happened?

I hurt my ankle. Does it hurt bad?

No, I think I just twigged it. Judy, can you get some ice?

It's my own fault.

I sashayed where I should have swiveled.

Put a little scotch on it.

What am I thinking?

I don't think it was such a stupid idea.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, but don't worry, Brian.

Sometimes you have to try something like cheerleading to realize just how stupid

it is.

I meant having practice in our backyard. It's just too small.

So did I.

Right, whatever, Dad.

Look, what we need to do is let him cool down for a while, and when the time is

right, one of us will... I'll go talk to him now.

You know, sometimes when you hurt your ankle, you release a hormone thing that

makes you hear things wrong.

Dad, I take college -level science.

You know, sometimes when you take college -level science, you release a

thing. Dad.

You know what?

I should have been honest, Brian.

I never really liked the idea of you being a cheerleader. I wanted you to

football.

Well, I tried to like football because I knew you loved it.

But I hated it.

I was no good at it.

The only good thing was that it made you happy.

It's not that I'm not happy about mathletes or debate club. I just wanted

have something in common.

Me too, but I guess that's not going to happen.

You know what we have in common?

We both want to have something in common. Isn't that funny?

Well, technically it's ironic.

Son, this is why you needed football.

Ryan, be honest.

Do you really want to be a cheerleader?

Yes.

But not exactly for the reasons I said.

Maybe we should get your mother.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know when you're on the football team and you score a touchdown and all

guys pat each other's butts?

Judy! No.

What I mean is, when you're a cheerleader, you get to do that with all

girls. And you get to be right there when they're jumping up and down and

really...

I don't know how to explain it, Dad. You don't have to explain it, Mom. Why did

you tell me all this in the first place?

I didn't think you'd understand.

Oh, this I understand.

I don't even know if I'm good enough to be at your leader.

Son, we're gonna get you on that squad.

Didn't have anything in common.

Okay, let's try it again.

People in the front, let me hear you grunt.

That's not a grunt. That's a growl. Now, come on. Grunt with me.

Bigger, badder.

That's what I want to hear.

Now, let's see the routine again.

People in the front, let me hear you grunt.

Okay, okay. That's not going to get your butt slapped by a cheerleader.

You got to work it, son.

Don't be afraid to let yourself go.

You've got some pretty good moves. Where'd you learn all this?

Son, I'm about to tell you something that can never be repeated.

When I was your age, for a very misguided week, I caught a little virus

disco fever.

Long story short, the hustle may be gone, but the feet never forget.

And you gave me crap. Just try to keep up, okay?

Five, six, seven, eight.

People in the front, let me hear you grunt. People in the...

You sure that thing's working?

Oh, yeah.

This is gonna come in handy. Okay, here's the deal. You get the tape when

really mean to you, and I get it when I'm wrong, but don't want to admit it.

Hey, Miller, I don't see your boy out there.

Hey, he's not playing today.

Did he get injured?

Yes, he did get injured.

I've got spirit. Yes, I do.

I've got spirit. How about you?

I am so sorry.

Well, you shouldn't be. It was his decision, and I'm proud of him.

That's right, honey.

It could be worse. He could be on the math team.

He is.

Debate team?

Yep.

Chess club? Uh -huh.

Latin club?

No. Ha! In your face!

Hey, that cute cheerleader just smacked Brian on the butt. That's my son!