Original subtitles

We are trapped in the 21st century.

I am Captain Belinda Blowhard of the Dreadnought Nemesis. We journeyed back

time from the year 3034.

Our orders are to locate and destroy a reptid mothership sent back in time to

alter our history and the future of the human race.

As we entered the time slip, a device was activated on board the ship

my crew. Now, we can no longer suppress our emotions and must control feelings

that humans haven't felt for hundreds of years.

We will find these reptiles and complete our mission if it's the last thing we

do. I will not let these new emotions divert us from our duty.

Dottie, check the database. Try and get a reading on this thing.

Oof. Any luck with the weapon lock yet?

No, weapons will not lock. It seems to either have an anti -cloaking field or

antimatter displacement field. We cannot scan around or near the parameters of

this object.

We feel very confused.

Well, that's nothing new, Dottie. All right, everyone, this is very serious.

Gather around.

Why?

If we cannot destroy it, and we cannot get close enough to see it properly,

perhaps our internal systems are damaged.

We are repenting.

Well, don't look at me. I'm still getting over my last girlfriend.

But you only met her yesterday.

You obviously haven't met the right woman yet.

Maybe I can assist?

No, I'm fine, honest. We've got to keep this professional.

We can if you want. I don't mind being paid.

We have just received a blue screen of death attempting to clear and purge. Oh,

shut up, all of you.

This is ridiculous. I mean, we were once the best of the best of the Admiralty,

and now we can't even have a serious discussion about something that could

potentially wipe us out.

All I hear about is sex.

Somebody's in the corner bawling their eyes out.

For my sanity, do you think we could just have one conversation without

to do with sex in it?

Or without Dottie having to try and reboot herself all the time?

Huh? Can we?

You think?

Aye, aye, Captain.

Ox, what do you think about this object?

Don't you ever speak?

This is insanity!

Does anybody have an opinion about this situation?

Yes, Captain.

We simply cannot scan it. It might be a multi -space -time molecular object

designed to live outside of galactic time, hence the impossible lock on the

hazmat scanner.

That's excellent work, Dottie. All right, now we're getting somewhere.

Whoa! Well, if it is outside of space -time, we could adapt the weapon system

with a hyper -quantum signature pulse.

That should give us a locking target, which we could then use to enable the

cannon to emit an anti -time burst.

This is good stuff. Now we're ready. Fucking... Okay, grab her.

What?

Yeah, I heard Paul's being mentioned, and mine's a bit high.

What are you talking about?

I knew it was too good to last.

No, hang on. Just rebooting my fifth... Oh, we do not do it like that. Oh, that

we are certain.

Oh, my blue socks.

They certainly need to keep this bridge tidier, because if they don't, it'll all

have to be redone.

Don't say anything, darling.

Everyone back to work, please.

Thank you.

Yes, computer?

I have scanned the surface of the planet Earth, and I have found a location to

which reptiles are returning regularly.

And what sort of place is this?

Daddy, run a full scan. Give me some more info.

We have indeed found the location that the computer refers to, Captain.

It seems to be some sort of alien meeting point, where they gather under

disguise. We believe that they were once referred to as Gambling Den, Dance

House, Casino, Orbella, Cat House, Strip Joint, Massage Parlour. Daddy!

Sounds like an undercover mission to me. If we can infiltrate this place,

perhaps we could lay a trap for the reptids when they return.

Computer, run a multi -level bioscan on the planet's surface and keep your eyes

peeled for any disguised reptids.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Affirmative, Captain.

Yes, Hologram?

Your request activated my attention sensors, Captain.

And why would that be?

We believe that this should have been brought to your attention some time ago.

What are you talking about?

Since our trip back in time, Dottie and the computer seem to be somewhat lacking

in the disciplines required to perform their duties within acceptable

parameters.

Dottie. Yes?

Use Dottie herself, Captain.

We are fine.

At once.

The computer is also too familiar, and at the same time too distant from its

occupational remit, Captain.

We should think seriously about deactivating it.

and running a full diagnostics check on its primary function systems. The

hologram's right, Captain.

I'm fine. Fit as a fiddle. And I'm not an it, I'm a she, thank you very much.

I rest my case, Captain.

Noted, hologram. Thank you for your observation.

Well, Dottie, my schizophrenic double -sided lovely, what can I do for you?

The Captain requested a check -up. For both of us.

The hologram has tried to merge us, and our android side is agreeing.

But our human side has resisted it.

Even though we tweaked our interconnecting personality stabilising

Did it work?

We think so.

I like a good tweaking.

Not now, nurse.

Right, Dottie.

I've taken down all your particulars, and very nice particulars you have, too.

That's all.

We didn't feel a thing.

Oh, it does feel good to be so well.

Thank you, Doctor.

No?

If only the rest of us were as sane as those we.

Two.

Nurse, for the rest of the day, I shall be sampling this strange substance

called alcohol.

Please keep note as the experiment progresses.

Okay, Doctor.

Hello, Captain.

Where would you like to go?

Computer, can you take me to the Mollyport room, please?

Aye, aye, Skipper.

Oops, sorry about that.

These lips are temperamental, just like me.

Never mind, it'll soon be the weekend and I can put my feet up with a nice cup

of tea.

Okay, uh... Captain, are you all right?

Computer? Yes, Captain. Could you, uh... repeat that, um, vibrate accident?

You know, I want to feel. I mean, I want to analyze the problem. You requested

my command.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Just there. Turn level 68 and 59, Captain.

Oh, just like that.

What are you on about? Oh, God.

Oh, yes. What?

Oh, yes. What?

Are you mad?

Oh, for heaven's sake, get a room.

And they say I'm in balance.

The nerve of it.

What happened to you?

It was the lift.

The lift? Yeah, a little bit of turbulence in the lift.

You shouldn't get turbulence. I'll go and check.

You touch that lift, punk, and I'll kill you.

Get back in there.

Coordinates set. Prepare to monoclonal.

Where's Sally?

Truly amazing.

We are molly ported safely down here and the chief already finding herself in a

tight spot.

What's wrong with it? I don't know. Must be a glitch within the third power

relay in the quantum scanner.

We should speak in a language I could understand.

Let's go, shall we?

Yeah? What do you want?

I was wondering if you had some work for some fit and able women.

We are fit and we are able.

We could also jiggle up at you a little bit if you would like, yeah?

Dottie, stand still. Yes, I see what you mean by Dottie.

But you're in luck.

We do have positions available for two exotic artistes.

Fabulous. Wolf, show the man your stuff.

Have a good look.

Yes, yes, wonderful.

You'll do.

Oh, hi, puppet.

No, we need pole dancers, not idiots.

Well, there is one more young lady in our party that might just work out for

you. Sally?

Sally, get over here.

Captain, I must protest.

Sammit, I'm an engineer, not a dancer.

I'm not even Polish.

Well, you're going to be a stranded engineer if you don't go over and

that fellow.

Yes, well, the kid's got grit.

She'll do.

Great. When do they start? Come back tonight.

And if you want, we'll give you tickets to see the show for free.

Tickets? We shall need to if there are two of us. He knows that you don't need

to tell him. Okay, I will just leave.

Do you have to bring her?

I don't want no weirdos in here. I completely understand.

I'll take care of it, sir.

We heard that.

Doctor? Ah, Captain.

Oh, it's far too since long I've had you in my craft. Get off. What is that

smell? Oh, I'm most awfully dreadfully sorry.

Seems to be effects of the speriment.

How can I love you?

Help you? I just need a little something for a rash I must have contracted on

Earth. Really?

Well, take off all your clothes and tell me you love me. It's on my arm, Doctor.

Nurse!

I'm here, Doctor.

Oh, that was quick.

Could you get some infected cream for the sexy, lovely captain? That should

clear it out.

Thank you very much.

What kind of experiment have you been conducting? You're an absolute wreck.

Well, I know I've been examining a Scottish bottle called Scotch Biscuit.

It's extremely efficacious.

So I suppose you haven't had any chance to work on the cure for our other

problem. No, no.

Would you like a drink?

No. Do you know...

It makes me want to burst into song.

In fact, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I'd like to sing my latest

number, entitled Grandma, get your feet off the table and give the cheese a

chance. Thank you.

Doctor,

are you all right?

Take a look now.

After extensive testing of the Scottish bottle.

The floor came up and hit.

No reptids present, Captain.

I've set up several detection devices to spot them, but I've had 12 proposals

for something they call marriage.

Anything else to report?

No, Captain.

And how's Sally holding up?

All right, carry on whatever you were doing.

I've detected that we are about to be approached from behind by a large ship,

and I'm not that sort of girl on a first date.

Shall I recall the crew?

No.

Summon the remaining senior officers who were left on board.

Is that wise?

None of them have any combat training.

Just do as you're told, you pathetic excuse for a computer.

There's no need to be rude.

You could give a girl a complex, you know.

The computer thought it would be best to leave the main crew on the planet and

summon you.

You lying son of a... We are currently being fired upon by an intruder.

The ship is yours.

Oh, oh, my blue sharks.

And now, for our newest recruit, please give a huge, naked ambition welcome to

the pure, the innocent, the never -been -touched virgin of white, Miss...

Sally, pop your totem!

beautiful girl like you to a place like this.

Are you talking to me?

Oh, wow.

Sally, after seeing you on stage, I knew you weren't from around here.

No.

Is that a problem?

No, no, no. Of course not.

But, um, if we're going to make love, do you mind if I, um...

Change into my real form?

No, of course not.

Be my guest.

Oh, my.

So many.

But before we go any further, do you have some sort of protection for them?

Hold on, baby.

I'll be right back.

I think I'm in love.

Men!

Now you can walk away with just a limp.

Or I can rip your arms off.

Either way, you don't want to do this.

have handled him myself.

You do realize that, don't you?

By the way, did you say something back there?

Oh, I see.

Mile taken.

He's mine.

Our shield's down to plus five and falling.

Right. I've figured out how to find these plastic guns.

Plastic guns? Where?

Give them their drink.

Oh,

these

guys really don't know how to choose a lady.

I have audio signal from the other ship.

Dreadnought Nemesis, we are members of the Longstar Bounty Hunter Society.

A huge bounty has been placed on your head, and we're here to collect.

Dead or alive, surrender now or we'll blast you out of the universe.

A bit of ship's name later and our body parts are all we need.

We don't care as long as we get our reward.

Oh, I'm shaking in my boots!

I can't get these weapons to fire straight!

Shields down to plus one.

We're all good!

Excuse me, but what would happen if you went into the quantum thingy, then slam

on the brakes and hit reverse?

Reg, you're brilliant.

That'll cause a quantum reverse field.

Activate quantum thingy and kiss your arse goodbye.

I'll have to go in the log. It's a duck manoeuvre.

Do we win?

Hey!

Hologram.

Yeah? You can take over again.

I'm going to look after my little hero.

Hmm.

Seems that your plan didn't work after all.

Laugh all you want, computer.

Your days are numbered.

Hello?

Nobody there.

There you are. I've been trying to find you. Did you discover anything?

No, but wolves were not discovered erected. They'll meet us outside in ten

minutes.

Oh, you've got time for a drink. Chocolate?

I need something, that's for sure.

Chocolate? What's wrong? Can we get one more of those special fancy drinks you

made?

Thanks.

It's good, huh?

It's great. What is it?

It's Bombay Malticling, dear. It's got gin, rum, coke, ice, Russian vodka and a

very special secret ingredient.

And what is that very special secret ingredient?

What's it worth?

Tell me!

All right.

I've got freshly liquidized squid.

This damn thing escaped earlier. Found it out by the condom machine.

Goodbye,

my sweet and considerate potential lover.

Goodbye. It's a little bit weird here, Captain. I think we should leave.

Yes, I heartily agree.

Back to the relative sanity of the nemesis.

We're ready to molly port back to the ship, plus one prisoner.

Trouble with the mullet court, she is.

Christian, I'll leave you alone for five minutes.

What's wrong?

A temporal blitz in the influx chamber.

We'll hoop and ock the mullet and get okay.

What about the ruptured?

What did I

do?

Where's our prisoner?

All over you, Wolf.

Sally, you better get a sample of that for the doctor to study.

What should I put it all, him, in?

Oh, this should do.

I'll make you higher.

I'm gonna make you wanna die.

I'm going to make you scream.

I'm going to make you moan.

I'm going to make you call out my name.