Original subtitles

>> RUSS: It's the same

conversation that we've been

having since we first met.

I'm just a very...

I'm a sexual person.

>> LINA: She doesn't want to

hear this.

>> RUSS: And so finally, she

gets so fed up, right?

That she tells me to go have sex

with other people.

Even though we're married and

in love, supposedly.

>> LINA: Supposedly.

>> RUSS: And so, do I go and

have sex with other people?

No. Do I get credit for it?

Of course not.

>> TEACHER: This is all very

interesting, but this is a

parent-teacher conference, and

we're here to talk about your

daughter.

I love Maya.

All her teachers do.

But I see her spending an awful

lot of time by herself.

>> LINA: Well, she's kind of a

loner.

She's like me in that way.

>> RUSS: Could it be genetic?

>> TEACHER: A lot of times these

behaviors are learned.

What is your social situation

like?

Are you friends with any of

the other parents?

>> LINA: We say hi to them.

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm.

>> LINA: And-and go to their

stuff.

>> RUSS: Yeah. I'm, uh, good

friends with, um...

the one who likes the Celtics.

>> TEACHER: Um, if you want Maya

to have more friends, it might

help to lead by example.

>> RUSS: Or we could just have

more sex and see if that does

the trick. (chuckles)

>> JESS: Hey.

He wants us to come inside.

>> SHEPARD: No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no. I'm ju...

I'm just gonna wait in the car.

>> JESS: Can you please just

come on?

>> SHEPARD: I don't understand

why we can't just have brunch,

just you and me.

>> JESS: Because he's having a

hard time with the divorce and

it's been rough on him.

>> SHEPARD: It's been rough on

all of us.

>> AJ: We have a bit of a

situation.

>> SHEPARD: Of course you do.

>> AJ: Watch out for the

broken glass.

>> SHEPARD: Oh, isn't that

pleasant.

(crowd cheering)

>> RUSS: Go, go, go!

(whistle blows)

>> LINA: Oh, God.

I drank too much last night.

>> RUSS: Mm. Soccer and

hangovers do not mix.

>> LINA: We should've gone to

brunch with Jess and AJ.

A little hair of the dog.

>> RUSS: All right, what about

them?

>> LINA: What about them?

>> RUSS: Aren't we friend

shopping?

Wasn't that our assignment?

>> LINA (yawning): No.

Hey.

>> MAYA: Can I have a playdate

with Hailey?

>> LINA: Hailey?

(groans) I don't know, honey.

>> RUSS: What are you doing?

She wants to have a playdate.

She needs friends.

>> LINA: The mother.

>> RUSS: Who is her mother?

>> LINA: You don't know her,

she's...

>> STACEY: Hey!

>> LINA: Hi!

>> STACEY: I heard the girls

want to have a playdate.

Should we host?

I mean, do you have a big space?

We have a ton of space, so...

>> APRIL: I'm not coming out!

(AJ sighs)

>> AJ: There's a gazelle in my

bathroom who refuses to get out.

>> SHEPARD: Why a gazelle?

>> JESS: Three-legged gazelles

are what he calls damaged women.

>> AJ: Yeah. Harder for them

to get away.

>> APRIL: You piece of shit

scumbag asshole!

>> AJ: Look, I'm sorry, sweetie.

I didn't mean to say that, okay?

I had a very rough childhood,

remember?

She'll be out in a minute.

I'll stick her in a cab and then

we'll go eat.

>> SHEPARD: Great. We'll meet

you at the restaurant.

>> JESS: No...

>> APRIL: Oh, no! I'm not

getting in a cab!

>> JESS: Okay, all right. Fine.

I'll talk to her.

>> AJ: That would be amazing.

Thank you.

>> SHEPARD: You know what else

would be amazing? Brunch.

>> JESS: Why don't you hold on

for just one second 'cause

everyone knows you want to go

to brunch.

Give me a name, an age and a

job.

>> AJ: April, 19, still figuring

it out.

>> JESS: 19 years old?

>> AJ: Look, she's gonna be 20

in March.

She's an old soul.

>> JESS: Oh!

>> AJ: With a tight hole.

>> JESS: Okay.

>> SHEPARD: That's sweet.

You should trademark that.

Put it on mugs.

>> JESS: Great! I'm going in

>> AJ: Most old souls don't have

tight holes.

>> SHEPARD: No, I understand

the joke.

>> JESS: April?

>> APRIL: Go away!

>> JESS: I understand that AJ is

a dick, and I can talk to you

about it if you want to.

And also I-I do need to just

use the bathroom.

We could do both.

>> AJ: Bitches be crazy, huh?

>> SHEPARD: Yeah, that's the

problem here.

>> RUSS: Wow.

>> LINA: I am so sorry we don't

have enough square footage for

a playdate.

>> RUSS: She might not have

meant it that way.

Okay, she totally meant it that

way.

>> LINA: You guys wait here.

I'll be right back.

>> ELLA: No way-- this house is

cool. I'm coming in.

>> FRANKIE: Me, too.

>> RUSS: All right, let's make

this quick, okay?

Your mommy doesn't like this

lady.

>> MAYA: Please be nice, Mommy.

>> LINA: I'm always nice.

(knocking)

>> RUSS: Always.

>> STACEY: Oh, you guys came.

Okay, I didn't think you guys

were gonna come.

>> LINA: I thought the girls

had a playdate.

>> STACEY: Yeah, no.

I just, I... I thought you guys

were the kind of people that

weren't gonna show up.

All right, well, come on in.

>> LINA: Oh, we're-we're just

dropping off.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> STACEY: That's okay, come on.

Come on in.

>> LINA: Your house is

incredible.

>> STACEY: Oh, thanks.

>> RUSS: God, this place looks

so familiar.

>> STACEY: Yeah, I thought that,

too, when I first walked in.

And now it just owns me.

But I guess you have to live

somewhere.

Plus, the windows.

(Lina groans)

Oh, Nelson.

Hey. Five minutes.

>> ELLA: Oh, my God, Mom!

Two center islands!

>> LINA: Ella's really into

real estate.

>> STACEY: Oh! I tried that for

a year.

Nope.

>> ELLA: I love the stonework

by the pool.

>> STACEY: Oh, do you guys want

to hang out and swim?

>> RUSS: Oh...

>> LINA: We don't have

swimsuits.

>> STACEY: Oh, that's not a

problem.

I have so many.

I mean, you don't have to if you

don't want to, but...

if you wanted to... I mean, if

you want to.

>> MAYA: Mom?

>> LINA: Yes. We do.

That sounds great.

>> MAYA: Yeah!

>> RUSS: Yeah.

I love to watch kids swim.

>> LINA: I'm really glad we

didn't invite them to our house.

>> RUSS: I like our house.

>> LINA: No, you don't.

>> RUSS: No, I don't.

Not even a little bit.

(groans)

Guess I should go talk to that

dude.

(Lina laughs)

>> LINA: Men have it so easy.

>> RUSS: 'Cause of periods?

>> LINA: Yeah, 'cause of

periods.

>> RUSS: That's what I thought.

>> LINA: No, because you can go

over there, and you can just

talk to him about sports.

I am gonna have to go into that

kitchen and have a real

conversation with Stacey.

>> RUSS: Uh, sports

conversations are tricky, okay?

>> LINA: Oh, really?

>> RUSS: Yeah, 'cause sometimes

you involve the DH and then

you're talking about stats

and...

>> LINA: "The DH"?

>> RUSS: Designated hitter.

>> LINA: Oh, I didn't know you

were gonna bring up the DH.

>> RUSS: Yeah, it gets real.

>> LINA: I'm sorry.

>> RUSS: You'll be fine.

Good luck.

>> LINA: Good luck.

>> RUSS: It's such a nice pool.

>> JAY: Oh, thanks.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> JAY: Oh, uh, are you not

gonna swim?

>> NELSON: I don't feel like it.

(sighs)

>> JAY: Wish I could offer you a

beer or something.

God, I'd love a beer, but we're

not allowed to keep alcohol in

the house.

>> RUSS: Oh.

No worries.

>> JAY: Yeah, as long as there's

no alcohol in the house.

>> RUSS: How do I know this

place?

>> JAY: Hmm?

>> RUSS: Your house is so

familiar.

>> JAY: Yeah. We get that a lot.

>> LINA: Hey.

>> STACEY: Hey, which bathroom

did you use?

>> LINA: Oh, I-I didn't go to

the bathroom.

>> STACEY: Somebody did.

>> LINA: It wasn't me.

>> STACEY: Do your kids have

allergies?

It's never-ending.

It's like that kid at that

school who died.

He was a genius.

>> LINA: My kids eat everything.

>> STACEY: Oh, that's lucky.

(groans)

>> LINA: Um, you know, you

really didn't have to go through

all this trouble just for us.

>> STACEY: No, I always overdo

it.

I just do.

My mother worked.

She never cooked, so...

She's dead now.

Okay, one, two, three, four,

five...

>> LINA: I'm gonna go check on

the girls.

>> AJ: How's the job hunt?

>> SHEPARD: (scoffs) I'm an old

man in a dead business.

>> AJ: Yeah, a lot of my music

business clients are hurting.

>> SHEPARD: You still have

clients?

I was asking. I really was.

>> AJ: I've lost a few recently,

but... that helps me focus on

the ones that matter.

>> SHEPARD: Hmm.

'Cause you seem focused.

>> JESS: Well, I figured out

what the problem is.

>> AJ: Anal remorse?

>> JESS: (scoffs) No, it's that

she's 19 years old.

>> AJ: She's gonna be 20 in

March.

It's legal.

>> JESS: How did you think that

this was gonna end?

>> SHEPARD: Well, I'm gonna tell

you how brunch ends.

At 3:00, they stop serving it,

all right?

>> JESS: Mm-hmm.

>> SHEPARD: All you can have is

the bar menu, and I hope you

enjoy sliders.

'Cause that's all we're gonna

get.

Seriously, can I come in?

>> APRIL: Go away.

>> SHEPARD: I got to take a

leak.

Just turn around.

(door closes)

(AJ sighs)

>> LINA: Where's Daddy?

>> JAY: Uh, phone call.

Said it was a work emergency.

(beep)

(beep)

>> LINA: What are you doing?

>> RUSS: I'm trying to find some

shit.

>> LINA: What kind of shit?

>> RUSS: What is wrong with

these people?

Why would you have a porno

block?

>> LINA: You're looking for

porn on a playdate?

>> RUSS: I figured out how I

know this house.

It's the Night Trips house.

Night Trips.

By Andrew Blake.

>> LINA: You're searching for

pornography in a child's

bedroom.

>> RUSS: What? No.

Don't make this creepy, okay?

Night Trips was more than just

porn, okay?

It-it changed the landscape.

It changed the face of early

'90s erotica.

Tori Welles stood right here.

Peter North stood right behind

her.

And if you listen very closely,

you can hear the orgasms of

yesteryear.

>> STACEY: Lina, the éclairs

are ready.

>> LINA: I'll be right there!

Pool.

Kitchen.

>> RUSS: Night Trips house.

>> LINA: Yeah, I know.

(inhales)

(girls whooping, squealing)

>> FRANKIE: Daddy, Daddy, did

you see that?

>> RUSS: Yeah!

Awesome.

(beeping)

>> JAY: Mother of shit.

Sorry, everything's fine.

It's all okay.

Uh... you're a dad.

Can I, uh... can I ask you

something?

>> RUSS: Yeah. Totally.

>> JAY: I just got an alert that

Nelson was searching for porn

again.

>> RUSS: Just now?

>> JAY: Yeah.

It's, like, nonstop with

that kid, and I'm really worried

about him.

>> RUSS: Oh. Yeah.

I would...

All boys go through that.

I wouldn't worry about it.

He'll be fine.

>> JAY: I don't know, man.

He spends every day locked in

his room in some sort of porn

cave.

Maybe I should try church?

>> RUSS: I think church would be

great.

>> JAY: You think so?

>> RUSS: Uh-huh.

>> JAY: All right.

Okay, well, now I got to find a

church.

>> STACEY: I noticed that Maya

has some problems.

>> LINA: Maya doesn't have

problems.

>> STACEY: No, I mean, like-like

she's, you know, kind of off by

herself a lot.

I was like that.

>> LINA: I mean, she...

sometimes has a hard time making

friends.

>> STACEY: Friends are hard.

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> STACEY: Especially when you

call them a couple times and

they don't call you back.

>> LINA: I'm sorry.

I feel bad.

That's really lame of me.

I'm sorry. I...

One time we really did have a

gymnastics thing.

>> STACEY: It doesn't matter.

A lot of people blow me off.

I get it.

Besides, you're here now.

Do you want a glass of wine?

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> STACEY: Okay.

>> LINA: Yeah, I would love a

glass of wine.

Thank you. What do you have?

>> STACEY: Everything.

The Cutlers are in Napa.

They have more wine than they

could ever possibly drink.

>> LINA: Sure they're okay with

it?

>> STACEY: Oh.

They are so chill.

I'm, like, here all the time.

(alarm chimes)

Wait.

Okay.

All right.

No alarm. Come on.

Shut the door.

>> STACEY: Okay, so we have a

pinot, Montepulciano and then

this cab blend.

>> LINA: Are you sure you don't

want any?

>> STACEY: This cab blend smells

so good.

I can't have any alcohol.

Last time I had red wine, I bit

my father-in-law on the ankle.

>> LINA: Ooh.

>> STACEY: Here.

(chuckles)

Hey, just hurry up.

I want to hear what it tastes

like.

>> LINA: I just feel weird

drinking alone.

>> STACEY: No, this is a real

treat for me.

Jay hates red wine.

(sniffs)

Sometimes he describes coffee.

Can't have that either.

>> LINA: Ooh.

(sniffs)

That's nice.

>> STACEY: Yeah?

>> LINA: Earthy.

>> STACEY: Yeah.

>> STACEY: But not too earthy,

right?

>> LINA: No, no.

>> STACEY: Mm-mm.

>> LINA: Mmm.

This might be a little too nice.

>> STACEY: Great.

>> LINA: I think that this is a

really expensive bottle of wine.

>> STACEY: It's a '96.

Oops.

(both laugh)

>> LINA: Are you sure it's cool

that we're in here?

>> STACEY: Yeah, they're not

gonna miss a couple bottles of

wine.

>> LINA: So it's totally not

cool, right?

>> STACEY: They're in Australia.

>> LINA: Oh.

You're a crazy person.

You're totally a crazy person.

>> STACEY: I'm not crazy.

They're crazy, you know?

They've never once had me over

to this place.

They've never asked me inside.

So...

I wave to them, like, all the

time.

And to never invite me in?

That's kind of insane.

>> LINA: Hmm.

They do sound like really rude

people.

Kind of really want to check out

the rest of this rude house.

>> JAY: You have a problem.

>> NELSON: It wasn't me!

>> JAY: Okay, fine, if it wasn't

you, tell me who it was.

>> NELSON: I-I don't know.

>> JAY: I'm sick of you lying to

me, by the way.

>> NELSON: Just go away.

>> JAY: All right, stop talking

to me that way, okay?

I'm your dad, all right?

This conversation-- it isn't

over, buddy.

I'm not getting through to him,

man; I tried to be reasonable,

but... I don't know, he just

shut down and kept saying,

"I didn't do it."

Typical.

>> RUSS: Maybe you shouldn't

blame him.

>> JAY: You mean like it's his

mother's fault?

Yeah, I thought about that.

She's insane.

Why the hell did I breed with

her?

>> AJ: How long has Shep been in

there?

>> JESS: He's a great

negotiator; he's probably

working some magic.

>> AJ: Yeah.

At this point, he's known her

longer than I have.

>> JESS: What are you doing,

man?

>> AJ: I don't know.

Having fun.

>> JESS: Maybe it's time to try

someone your own age.

>> AJ: That is hilarious, coming

from you.

>> JESS: Don't compare your shit

to me and Shep, okay?

Because we're married.

We have a kid.

We are real.

>> AJ: Yeah, you're a perfect

wife in a perfect marriage.

>> JESS: Shut up.

Right now.

>> AJ: I had real.

Real took half my shit.

(door opens, closes)

>> SHEPARD: Come on, April.

Here we go.

>> AJ: Hey.

>> SHEPARD: Here's what's gonna

happen: she's gonna get into a

cab.

You're gonna take back what you

said about her hair, and you're

gonna fly her mother out for

Easter like you promised, all

right?

>> APRIL: And, uh, there's no

more toilet paper.

>> SHEPARD: Can we please go

eat?

(Jess sighs)

>> AJ: Thanks for the talk.

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> NELSON: Hey.

>> RUSS: Look, uh, it's none of

my business, but I overheard you

talking to...

>> NELSON: I didn't do anything.

>> RUSS: Cool.

>> NELSON: Hey, can I ask you

something?

>> RUSS: Sure.

>> NELSON: My dad says I'm sick.

Am I?

>> RUSS: Wow, dude.

If you're sick, then I am

terminal.

When I was your age,

I watched... a lot of stuff.

>> NELSON: Do you still watch?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

I'm a lifer.

>> NELSON: But you're married.

Your wife's so hot.

You can have sex with her

whenever you want; what do you

need porn for?

>> RUSS: You stay gold, Ponyboy.

Okay?

You stay gold.

Do you have any idea that you

live in, like, a historical

house?

>> NELSON: No.

(Russ speaking indistinctly)

(Lina and Stacey sigh, chuckle)

>> STACEY: What does it taste

like?

>> LINA: This one's winey-er.

(both laughing)

Look at the legs.

I don't know, my dad, he's...

he was kind of-- well, he is--

kind of a hermit.

He doesn't have a phone.

We don't talk.

He cuts hair somewhere under a

fake name.

It's weird.

>> STACEY: That is weird.

>> LINA: I know.

>> STACEY: Wow.

>> LINA: I don't know, maybe

it's... maybe it's in my blood.

Maybe it's genetic.

I totally see it in Maya.

>> STACEY: Well... schizophrenia

and colon cancer.

That's what my kids have to look

forward to.

(both laughing)

(snorts) Ow.

>> LINA: Do you have good

insurance?

(alarm chimes)

(Lina gasps)

>> STACEY: Oh, shit.

>> LINA: Shit.

(indistinct chatter)

(shrieks)

(alarm chimes)

(both giggling)

>> LINA: Oh, okay.

>> RUSS: What... is happening?

>> STACEY: Oh.

What are you doing next Tuesday?

>> LINA: Oh, I don't know.

What are you thinking?

>> STACEY: Um, there's a lot of

empty places around here this

time of year.

>> LINA: You're so crazy.

>> STACEY: I know.

>> NELSON: Your wife's super

hot.

>> RUSS: Oh, thanks.

Yeah, so's your mom.

I just meant she's fit.

It's not...

I'm not being weird, I...

I think she's got a great body,

that's it.

>> LINA: Think I made a friend

today.

>> RUSS: Yeah?

Me, too.

>> LINA: You liked Jay?

>> RUSS: No, that guy was a dud.

But Nelson was very cool.

The four of us should hang out

sometime.

Cool kid.

>> LINA: You're an idiot.

>> WAITRESS: You are gonna love

our bar menu.

Today's slider trio is pork,

salmon and portobello mushroom.

>> SHEPARD: I would like a,

uh... I'd like an egg white

frittata.

>> WAITRESS: I'm really sorry,

brunch is over.

>> SHEPARD: I know, I know.

I would just like the record to

reflect I wanted an egg

frittata.

(Jess scoffs)

>> AJ: No chance of eggs?