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>> DOCTOR: I see you brought
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your wife along for moral
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support.
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>> RUSS: Yeah. She's here to
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make sure I go through with it.
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>> DOCTOR: No one likes getting
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cut down there.
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A vasectomy's a very simple
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procedure.
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An incision is made above the
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testicles.
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We sever the tubes, then we seal
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them.
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That's it.
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No more sperm in the ejaculate.
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How cool is that?
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>> RUSS: So cool.
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>> DOCTOR: May I ask what birth
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control method you're currently
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using?
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>> RUSS: Oh, uh, abstinence.
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>> LINA: Condoms.
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>> RUSS: But mostly abstinence.
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>> DOCTOR: What made you decide
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that a vasectomy is the right
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procedure?
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>> RUSS: Oh, I didn't decide.
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This was pretty much all her.
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>> DOCTOR: Really?
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>> LINA: I just don't want him
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going off and starting a new
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family.
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He can barely afford the one
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that he has.
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>> RUSS: Wow. You know what?
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While you're down there, just
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take the whole thing off.
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I don't need it.
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>> LINA: I'm comfortable with
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that.
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>> RUSS: Yeah, I think Lina
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feels bad about the whole
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surgery thing, so, she's taking
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me on a little romantic getaway.
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>> JESS: Oh.
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>> AJ: Oh.
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>> JESS: It's like a...
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vasectomy-moon.
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>> RUSS: I guess.
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>> AJ: One last trot around the
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track before you're carted off
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to the glue factory.
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>> JESS: Who's watching the
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kids?
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>> RUSS: What? You are.
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>> JESS: What?
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>> RUSS: Dude, that's...
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>> JESS: Since when?
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>> RUSS: We talked...
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Since...
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>> JESS (laughing): I'm messing
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with you.
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>> AJ (laughing): Looking so
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dumb.
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>> RUSS: So not cool.
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No, I'm just excited for the
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hotel sex.
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We haven't had real sex in our
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own bed since, like, the kids.
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>> JESS: Mm.
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>> RUSS: I feel like hotel sex
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is the only thing that's left
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anymore.
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>> JESS: Oh, yeah.
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I would kill someone for hotel
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sex.
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Shep doesn't even look at me
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anymore.
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>> AJ: Jess, what do you expect?
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You married an old guy.
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>> JESS: No, that's not what it
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is.
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It's that I'm, like...
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I annoy him.
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Like, I'm annoying.
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Oh, thanks, assholes.
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(laughter)
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Do you know that I told him the
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other day...
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I went up to him, and I was,
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like, "I've been sexting the
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neighbor," and it was just,
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like, nothing.
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>> AJ: Wait. What?!
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>> RUSS: You sexted the
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neighbor?
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>> JESS: We were just joking
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around.
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But his wife-- she has no sense
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of humor.
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>> AJ: Oh, she doesn't like you
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sexting her husband?
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She's terrible.
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>> JESS: She doesn't want other
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people to be happy?
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That's messed up.
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>> AJ: Totally.
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>> JESS: Right.
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>> RUSS: Yeah.
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>> AJ: She's really
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unreasonable.
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>> JESS: You shut up.
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You-- what time are you dropping
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your kids off tomorrow?
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>> RUSS: No idea.
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>> AJ: Whenever, man.
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What is time?
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>> JESS: Thanks, brah.
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>> RUSS: I wish.
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(Lina and Jess laughing)
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>> RUSS: Thank you guys.
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>> SHEPARD: All right.
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>> JESS: Have fun!
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>> LINA: Okay.
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>> JESS: And don't worry about
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your children.
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>> SHEPARD: Hey, is it okay if
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we take 'em for ice cream?
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>> LINA: Honestly, I don't care
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what you feed 'em.
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>> RUSS: Feed them rocks.
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>> SHEPARD: Got it. Rocks.
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>> RUSS: Bye. Thanks again.
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(car horn toots)
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>> CHARLENE: Excuse me.
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Do you have a second?
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>> SHEPARD: Uh, look, Jess is
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sorry about texting your
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husband.
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She just... she gets carried
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away.
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Uh, but it's never gonna happen
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again.
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>> JESS: I'm sorry.
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>> CHARLENE: Marco never came
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home last night.
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We had a fight, and he's not
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picking up his phone.
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Have you guys been in contact?
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>> JESS: No.
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I swear, we have not.
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Total bitch, right?
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>> SHEPARD: Yeah.
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>> LINA: Are we crazy for
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leaving our kids with that
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psycho?
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>> RUSS: I don't know.
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Shep's sort of normal.
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>> LINA: He married her.
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>> RUSS: Open my wallet right
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now.
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Look inside.
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Tell me what you see.
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(Lina gasps)
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>> LINA: What?!
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A condom?
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>> RUSS: Right?
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Not only a condom.
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The last condom.
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The very last condom that you
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and I will ever use together.
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>> LINA: The end of an era.
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>> RUSS: Indeed.
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>> RUSS: Wow.
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>> LINA: I know.
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>> RUSS: Can we afford this?
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>> LINA: I got a Groupon.
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>> RUSS: 'Cause you're the best.
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>> LINA: I am.
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>> RUSS: Wow.
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>> LINA: I feel like this place
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is gonna make a killer
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margarita.
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>> RUSS (whispering): What's
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with all the khaki?
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>> LINA: Oh.
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"Welcome Nordoff Worldwide."
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We're at a company retreat.
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>> RUSS: I can work at Nordoff.
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>> LINA: You wouldn't last five
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minutes at Nordoff.
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>> RUSS: I could be a
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businessman.
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>> LINA: Uh-uh.
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>> RUSS: Pork futures.
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>> LINA: Really?
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>> RUSS: It's the future of
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pork.
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>> LINA: That's not what futures
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>> RUSS: Hi. I'm David Nordoff.
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This is my wife Gail.
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(Lina laughing)
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We're about to use our last
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condom, so...
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>> RUSS: ...do not disturb.
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>> RUSS: The guy gave it to me.
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Thought I put it in the bag.
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>> LINA: I know better than to
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trust you with a key.
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>> KIM: Are you serious?
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>> TYLER: No.
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>> KIM: Did you lose the key
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in two minutes?
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>> TYLER: No. Hey.
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>> RUSS: Hey.
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>> TYLER: No, I think I gave it
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to you in the lobby.
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>> KIM: No, you did not!
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>> TYLER: I'm pretty sure I did,
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though.
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>> TYLER: Remember, the guy gave
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>> TYLER: ...then the guy
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took all our stuff...
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>> KIM: No.
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(Lina sighs)
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(toilet flushing)
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(door opening)
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>> LINA: Hey.
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>> RUSS: Hi.
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What, uh... what happened to
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the thing I got you?
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>> LINA: Um... I took it back...
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and got this.
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>> RUSS: It looks good.
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>> LINA: So... want to do it?
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>> RUSS: Sure.
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Ow. Your knee is...
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>> LINA: What?
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>> RUSS: Oh, it's fine.
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I think I need you to...
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I need you to warm me
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up or something.
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>> LINA (whispering): My jaw's
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getting sore.
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>> RUSS: Oh, shit.
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I fell out.
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>> LINA: Oh, we can get it back.
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>> RUSS: No.
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>> LINA: Come on.
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>> RUSS: I can't.
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>> LINA: Oh.
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(Lina groans)
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(Russ sighs)
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(Tyler and Kim moaning on other
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side of wall)
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(bed squeaking)
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>> RUSS: Oh, my God.
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(Tyler moans)
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>> TYLER: You like that?
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(Russ sighs)
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>> RUSS: I mean...
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>> TYLER: You like that? Huh?
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>> KIM: Yes. Oh.
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>> LINA: Can they hear us not
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having sex?
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(loud moaning)
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>> RUSS: Oh, look.
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It's the screamers.
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>> LINA: Oh, man.
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Her ass is so tiny.
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>> RUSS: Mm-hmm. It is.
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>> LINA: Does that get you hard?
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>> RUSS: It probably would.
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>> LINA: Well, look at it.
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>> LINA: Whew!
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>> KIM: Are you guys with
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Nordoff?
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>> RUSS: Uh, as a matter of
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fact, yeah.
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Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech
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division.
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00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:17,436
I replaced Peterson. His wife...
283
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,437
>> LINA: He's lying to you.
284
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:19,438
>> KIM: Oh. (chuckles)
285
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,439
>> RUSS: Sorry.
286
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,440
>> LINA: He's... We're on a
287
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:22,441
romantic getaway.
288
00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:23,442
>> KIM: Oh, wow.
289
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,443
>> LINA: What about you guys?
290
00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:25,444
>> KIM: Uh, I'm-I'm at Nordoff.
291
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:26,445
But Tyler's my plus one.
292
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,446
>> LINA: Oh.
293
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:28,447
>> TYLER: I'm a constant plus
294
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,448
one.
295
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:30,449
>> KIM: No, he's a really...
296
00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:31,450
actually a great chef.
297
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,451
>> LINA: Really?
298
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:33,452
>> KIM: Mm-hmm.
299
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:34,453
>> TYLER: Well, I mean, like,
300
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,454
not technically yet.
301
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:36,455
Like, I'm not a chef yet.
302
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:37,456
>> KIM: Well, you're going to
303
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:38,223
be.
304
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:38,957
>> LINA: Oh.
305
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:39,791
>> KIM: We're gonna, um, open a
306
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,892
restaurant so I can quit my
307
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,060
stupid job.
308
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,229
And call it TK's.
309
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,964
>> RUSS: We used to have a TK's.
310
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,399
Our own little TK's.
311
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:48,400
>> LINA: Yeah.
312
00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,401
>> RUSS: Little surf shop in
313
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:50,235
Venice.
314
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:50,902
>> TYLER: Cool.
315
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:51,570
>> KIM: Oh, wow.
316
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:52,404
>> LINA: It was a really bad
317
00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:53,572
investment, but it was super
318
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:54,739
cute.
319
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:55,740
>> RUSS: We did all right for a
320
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,776
little while.
321
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:58,777
>> LINA: No, we didn't,
322
00:07:58,779 --> 00:07:59,911
actually, but it was fun.
323
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:00,912
>> KIM: You know, while you're
324
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:01,913
young.
325
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:02,914
>> TYLER: Yeah.
326
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,984
(doorbell rings)
327
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,118
>> CHARLENE: I need to talk to
328
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,420
your wife.
329
00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:09,654
He's ignoring all my calls and
330
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,755
texts.
331
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,457
>> JESS: I'm so sorry.
332
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:13,492
I don't really understand how
333
00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:14,493
I could help here.
334
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,494
>> CHARLENE: I thought that
335
00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:16,495
maybe, you know, he'd respond to
336
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,330
you.
337
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:19,331
>> JESS: I think probably that
338
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,765
should just end, don't you?
339
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:21,766
>> CHARLENE: No.
340
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:22,767
No, you know, just...
341
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:23,768
just can you communicate with
342
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,338
him?
343
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,440
Like, the way that you
344
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:31,309
communicate with him?
345
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,310
>> SHEPARD: I believe she's
346
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,778
asking you to sext her husband.
347
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:34,779
>> JESS: All right, I don't
348
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:35,780
think that that's a very good
349
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:36,781
idea.
350
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:37,782
>> SHEPARD: She would love to
351
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:38,783
help you.
352
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:39,818
>> RUSS: So apparently they just
353
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,186
make a small incision just right
354
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,288
above the testicle and then they
355
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,357
go in with two metal pliers,
356
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,525
basically, and stretch the
357
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:47,826
incision out a little bit, pull
358
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,127
the two tubes out...
359
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,128
>> TYLER: That sounds awful,
360
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,129
man.
361
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,130
It sounds bad.
362
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,131
>> LINA: You feel a pinch.
363
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,132
>> TYLER: Remember when we,
364
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,133
uh... when we fixed Brutus?
365
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,134
>> KIM: Oh, God.
366
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,135
God, that was really sad.
367
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,136
>> LINA: I'm sure it wasn't that
368
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,137
bad.
369
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,138
>> RUSS: What happened?
370
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,139
>> TYLER: I mean, at first,
371
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,140
nothing.
372
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,475
He just walked around the
373
00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:04,509
apartment humping everything
374
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:05,544
like normal and then...
375
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:06,545
>> KIM: He humped a lot.
376
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,712
>> TYLER: ...one day the humping
377
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,047
just stopped.
378
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,148
I mean, it's like he... he
379
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,883
realized that there was no point
380
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,552
anymore.
381
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,153
So now he just sleeps all day on
382
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,655
the couch.
383
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,189
It's a bummer.
384
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,491
>> KIM: Aw, he's a good dog.
385
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:21,059
>> TYLER: He is.
386
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:21,993
Well, I'm pruning up.
387
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:22,827
We should get back to the room.
388
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,329
>> LINA: Good luck with chef
389
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,330
school.
390
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,332
(moaning through wall)
391
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,401
(bed squeaking)
392
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:32,337
>> LINA: Do you want to try
393
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:33,572
again, honey?
394
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:34,739
>> RUSS: No.
395
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,575
>> LINA: Oh, come on.
396
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:37,576
You want to?
397
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:40,512
>> RUSS: I need to take a walk.
398
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:42,213
>> LINA: Okay, baby.
399
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,348
I'm going to wait here.
400
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,349
>> RUSS: I bet he's got his
401
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:47,018
finger in her ass.
402
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,687
I bet he's got his thumb,
403
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:51,356
like...
404
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,425
right up there.
405
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,627
(moaning continues)
406
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,434
>> TYLER: Hey, dude.
407
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,369
>> RUSS: Hey.
408
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,770
>> TYLER: Kim's taking a nap.
409
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,205
>> RUSS: Yeah, Lina, too.
410
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,206
>> TYLER: Yeah. Guess we wore
411
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,374
'em out, huh?
412
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:10,609
(both chuckle)
413
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:11,610
>> RUSS: You-you know it.
414
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,611
>> TYLER: Can I get one of
415
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,612
these?
416
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:14,613
Do you like cars?
417
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,614
>> RUSS: Yeah.
418
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,915
>> TYLER: Check this guy out.
419
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:17,782
>> RUSS: Nice.
420
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:18,783
>> TYLER: Yeah, right?
421
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:19,451
>> RUSS: Wow.
422
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:20,385
That a Road Runner?
423
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:21,386
>> TYLER: Yep.
424
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:22,387
>> RUSS: Early '70s?
425
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:23,388
>> TYLER: Uh, '69.
426
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:24,789
>> RUSS: Mm, second year they
427
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:25,790
made 'em.
428
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:26,925
>> TYLER: Wow, dude.
429
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,259
Droppin' knowledge. Impressive.
430
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,260
You're a lot cooler than I
431
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:30,261
thought.
432
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,563
>> RUSS (chuckles): Thank you.
433
00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:33,064
Oh, that's really beautiful.
434
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,232
>> TYLER: A man can dream,
435
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,233
right?
436
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,301
>> RUSS: How far away is it?
437
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,603
>> TYLER: Not far.
438
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,604
>> RUSS: You want to go check it
439
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:40,605
out?
440
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:41,606
How much are they asking?
441
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:42,607
>> TYLER: Eight grand.
442
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:43,608
>> RUSS: No.
443
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:44,609
>> TYLER: Yeah.
444
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:45,610
>> RUSS: Dude, I mean, this
445
00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:46,611
thing's got to be worth three
446
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,746
times that.
447
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:48,747
>> TYLER: I mean, I guess they
448
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:49,814
just want to get rid of it.
449
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,583
>> RUSS: Aw, shit.
450
00:10:51,585 --> 00:10:52,584
If I was your age, I would go
451
00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:53,918
for it.
452
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:54,919
I mean, you have no kids, no
453
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:56,154
mortgage.
454
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,589
A wife with a good job.
455
00:10:57,591 --> 00:10:59,157
I mean, look at this thing.
456
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,992
Oh, it's so sweet, dude.
457
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,160
>> TYLER: Eight grand is a lot
458
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,161
of money though.
459
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,162
>> RUSS: It's not though.
460
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,764
I mean, if you have it and you
461
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:07,832
can do it...
462
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:08,833
I don't know.
463
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:12,771
I would do it.
464
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,105
>> TYLER: Can you believe it?!
465
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,106
>> RUSS: I feel so cool.
466
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,107
>> TYLER: Dude, this is my
467
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,108
muscle car.
468
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,343
>> RUSS: Dude, congratulations.
469
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,344
>> TYLER: Thank you.
470
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,345
>> RUSS: This is awesome.
471
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,846
>> TYLER: Yeah.
472
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:22,981
I just want to really and
473
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,649
sincerely thank you for helping
474
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,685
me pull the trigger on this.
475
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:27,852
I never would've done it unless
476
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,120
I met you and you, like, pushed
477
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,121
me to do it.
478
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,122
>> RUSS: No. Sometimes you just
479
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,290
need that push, you know?
480
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,858
>> TYLER: Chef school can wait.
481
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,827
I mean, Kim will get it, right?
482
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:36,828
>> RUSS: What?
483
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:37,829
This was your chef school
484
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:38,830
money?
485
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:39,831
>> TYLER: You said it was a good
486
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:40,832
investment.
487
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,833
I can get, like, three times
488
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:42,834
what I paid for it, right?
489
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,704
>> RUSS: I mean... yeah.
490
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,005
I'm not exactly an expert, so,
491
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,039
you know, I...
492
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,708
It's just, you know, with the...
493
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,710
you know, economy.
494
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,745
(Tyler whoops)
495
00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:56,815
>> CHARLENE: So, uh, how does it
496
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:57,982
usually start?
497
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,484
>> JESS: I don't know.
498
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,652
This is weird.
499
00:12:00,654 --> 00:12:01,886
It never went that far.
500
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,154
We were just joking around.
501
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,222
>> CHARLENE: What did you guys
502
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,557
joke about?
503
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,558
>> JESS: I don't know, just
504
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,559
stupid... like, "Oh, neither one
505
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:09,160
of us are having very much sex,
506
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:12,864
like, um, with our partners."
507
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:13,998
>> SHEPARD: Well, maybe you
508
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,400
could joke about that right now.
509
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,002
'Cause it's funny.
510
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,704
(Jess sighs)
511
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:22,841
>> JESS: "Shep... is asleep...
512
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,843
on... the sofa.
513
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,878
What are...
514
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,580
you up to?"
515
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,515
He knows that he's not supposed
516
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,916
to text me, so he's not going to
517
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,885
respond, okay?
518
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,019
>> CHARLENE: Okay.
519
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:37,756
(phone dings)
520
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,724
Is that... is that him?
521
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,025
>> JESS: Um...
522
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,026
>> SHEPARD: "Just thinking about
523
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,528
you."
524
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,897
That's so sweet.
525
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:49,067
"Wanna play?"
526
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,436
(phone chimes)
527
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,537
(phone dings)
528
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:53,538
"Only want to play if it's
529
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,939
dirty."
530
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,875
"Thinking about...
531
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,443
>> JESS: No, you're not.
532
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,444
No. Mm-mm.
533
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,445
>> SHEPARD: Well, change what
534
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,446
you don't like.
535
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,782
>> JESS: "I've been a very
536
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:05,283
bad girl.
537
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,553
Forgot... to...
538
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,456
wear... panties.
539
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,625
Uh-oh."
540
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:14,559
(phone chimes)
541
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:16,961
(phone dings)
542
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,129
>> SHEPARD: "Sounds like you
543
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,297
need to be punished."
544
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,298
Okay, so, working off of that,
545
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,299
how do you think you should be
546
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,300
punished?
547
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,301
Seriously.
548
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,302
>> CHARLENE: Yeah.
549
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,805
>> JESS: Okay, fine.
550
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:27,939
"I deserve to be tied up."
551
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:28,940
>> SHEPARD: That's right.
552
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,975
Eh, uh...
553
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,144
>> JESS: "And... peed on"?
554
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:33,978
>> SHEPARD: See, now that sounds
555
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:34,746
right.
556
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,247
>> CHARLENE: What is wrong with
557
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,148
you people?
558
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,149
>> SHEPARD: Excuse me.
559
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,151
We're trying to help you.
560
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,152
>> JESS: Okay, can we just
561
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,453
regroup for a second?
562
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:45,990
We were just joking around.
563
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,425
Nobody was ever gonna act on
564
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,161
anything, okay?
565
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,331
(phone dings)
566
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,333
>> SHEPARD: "Let's meet up."
567
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,168
How 'bout that?
568
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,670
>> CHARLENE: Yeah, okay.
569
00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,671
Yeah, let's do it.
570
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,273
"I'll be there.
571
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,443
Pick a place.
572
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:09,280
Getting excite...
573
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:12,617
Getting wet.
574
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,786
Gushing...
575
00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:18,122
thinking about it."
576
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:20,191
(phone chimes)
577
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:26,965
(phone dings)
578
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:27,966
>> SHEPARD: "Valley Oak bar,
579
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,200
North Hollywood.
580
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,468
On my way."
581
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,369
>> CHARLENE: Okay, let's go.
582
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,203
>> JESS: Let's not, let's not.
583
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,038
(short laugh) Let's not.
584
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:49,888
>> JESS: Not him.
585
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:53,658
It's not him.
586
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:56,227
>> SHEPARD: He's late.
587
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,263
I don't think he's coming.
588
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,735
>> JESS: Yeah.
589
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:05,003
>> CHARLENE: Well...
590
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:07,572
maybe... maybe he's not, but
591
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,408
maybe... maybe I should be
592
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:13,378
sexual messaging neighbors.
593
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,013
Maybe that will get his
594
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,347
attention, you know?
595
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:18,516
Or maybe I'll go brunette.
596
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,851
Maybe I should just shave off
597
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:22,720
all my hair-- pubes, too.
598
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:23,721
You know, maybe I should get
599
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:27,525
boobs, but... maybe I'll just
600
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,495
get bigger drinks.
601
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:33,865
>> SHEPARD: I think it might be
602
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,199
time to cut Charlene off.
603
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:36,234
>> JESS: Oh, you think so?
604
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,269
>> SHEPARD: And get her home.
605
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:51,716
>> SHEPARD: You know what,
606
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:52,450
sweetie?
607
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,384
Charlene and I were talking,
608
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,285
and I just explained to
609
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,286
her that sometimes people send
610
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,287
texts and just, like you said,
611
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,221
this is not... he's not gonna
612
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:57,889
act on it, and it's...
613
00:15:57,891 --> 00:15:58,890
>> JESS: Right.
614
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,391
>> SHEPARD: He's not gonna show
615
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:01,392
up, and you have nothing to
616
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,393
worry...
617
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,928
We'll get, we'll get her a cab
618
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:04,929
and she's... gonna go home.
619
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:05,930
>> CHARLENE: Yeah.
620
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:06,931
>> SHEPARD: It's gonna be okay.
621
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:07,932
>> CHARLENE: Thank you.
622
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:08,933
>> JESS: Oh, oh, you know
623
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:09,934
what...
624
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:10,601
>> SHEPARD: Yeah, okay.
625
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:11,569
>> CHARLENE: Thank you.
626
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:12,570
>> SHEPARD: Okay.
627
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:13,571
That was weird.
628
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:14,072
>> JESS: Yup.
629
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:17,608
>> SHEPARD: Yeah.
630
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,077
I said it's gonna be fine, but I
631
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,078
don't think so.
632
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,079
>> JESS: No.
633
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,080
>> SHEPARD: No, I-I don't think
634
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,081
those two are gonna make it.
635
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,082
>> JESS: I don't think so,
636
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,283
either, especially since he just
637
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:26,784
showed up at this bar.
638
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,253
And I waved him off.
639
00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:30,655
And that was that.
640
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:31,656
>> SHEPARD: You're smooth.
641
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:35,293
>> JESS: I'm very smooth.
642
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,295
Are you still mad at me?
643
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,664
>> SHEPARD: No. No, no... no.
644
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,965
>> JESS: No, you're not, because
645
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:42,000
you kind of like it when I get
646
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,668
us into these jams-- that's kind
647
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,803
of your thing.
648
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:46,804
>> SHEPARD: I knew who I was
649
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:49,140
marrying.
650
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,475
You're really a lot of trouble.
651
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:54,278
>> JESS: Mm-hmm.
652
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,280
>> LINA: Where are those guys?
653
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:57,281
>> KIM: I don't know.
654
00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:58,816
Sounds like a real bro-fest.
655
00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,817
>> LINA: Russ always makes
656
00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:00,985
friends.
657
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,854
(engine rumbling)
658
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,889
(horn honks)
659
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,961
>> TYLER: What do you think?
660
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:11,029
Huh?
661
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,163
>> KIM: Is that your guys' car?
662
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:13,464
>> LINA: No.
663
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,166
That is definitely not ours.
664
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,467
>> TYLER: I just bought this.
665
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:17,635
For us.
666
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:18,636
>> KIM: For us?
667
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,637
>> TYLER: Well, I mean, like, I
668
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:20,638
have my whole life to go to
669
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,140
>> KIM: You bought this stupid
670
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:22,807
piece of shit for us?
671
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:23,674
>> TYLER: Well, it's not a
672
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,675
stupid piece of shit.
673
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,344
It's a really a beautiful car.
674
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,345
>> RUSS: It is, it's-it's, it is
675
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,346
a... it's a '69.
676
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,847
>> RUSS: Which... Yeah, which
677
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,482
>> LINA: Wait, this is a '69?
678
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:32,483
>> RUSS: Which was one of the
679
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:33,985
>> KIM: What about the
680
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:35,486
>> LINA: That makes it even
681
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:36,487
cooler.
682
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:37,488
>> KIM: That was our future.
683
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,357
restaurant's still our future.
684
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,391
And, uh, Russ was saying that we
685
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,392
should live in the now.
686
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,393
>> LINA: You know, restaurants
687
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,394
usually fail within the first
688
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,996
>> RUSS: They do, within the
689
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:45,997
first year-- some within six
690
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,532
>> LINA: He could actually be
691
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:48,566
saving you money.
692
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:49,567
>> RUSS: And you know what?
693
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,668
You guys... you know, this is
694
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,669
the time to-to ride free.
695
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,237
>> LINA: Once you start having
696
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,238
kids, you're never gonna have a
697
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,239
chance like this again.
698
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,007
>> RUSS: Yeah, unencumbered.
699
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:56,908
>> KIM: Did this moron talk you
700
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:57,909
into this?
701
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:58,910
>> TYLER: He told me it was
702
00:17:58,912 --> 00:17:59,544
gonna be a really good
703
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:00,545
investment.
704
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:01,212
>> RUSS: That's not...
705
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,213
No, you know what, I never
706
00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:03,014
actually, I, we didn't...
707
00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:04,015
>> LINA: Did you just call
708
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,016
my husband a moron?
709
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:06,017
>> KIM: Yeah, if he made my
710
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:07,018
husband buy this car, then he's
711
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:08,019
a moron.
712
00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,053
>> LINA: Uh, my husband can't
713
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,221
make anyone do anything.
714
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,222
>> RUSS: That's true, I...
715
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,056
>> LINA: 'Cause my husband would
716
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,024
never do anything this stupid.
717
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,525
>> LINA: And if he did, he
718
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,893
certainly wouldn't blame it on
719
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:16,894
anyone else, right, honey?
720
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,396
>> KIM: I don't... I don't need
721
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,731
your sad, boring old couple
722
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,533
advice, okay?
723
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,069
I'm doing just fine alone.
724
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,938
>> TYLER: Babe, you should just
725
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,541
take a ride in it.
726
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,544
(Lina and Russ laughing)
727
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,579
>> RUSS: Do you remember when we
728
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:35,580
were that dumb?
729
00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:36,581
>> LINA: Baby, you're still that
730
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:37,582
dumb.
731
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,583
>> RUSS: I know, but that's how
732
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:39,584
you like it.
733
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:40,585
>> LINA: I do.
734
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:41,586
>> RUSS: Real dumb.
735
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:44,088
>> LINA: So dumb.
736
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,089
So dumb.
737
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:47,058
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah!
738
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,059
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
739
00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:51,295
(Russ grunting)
740
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,065
(Lina screaming)
741
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:55,266
Oh, oh, my God!
742
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:57,635
>> RUSS: Oh.
743
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,736
(both moaning)
744
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,439
(both breathing heavily)
745
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,440
>> LINA: Oh, yeah.
746
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,441
(laughs)
747
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:06,911
(laughing)
748
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,279
Can we do it again?
749
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,747
>> RUSS: I don't...
750
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,249
We're out of supplies.
751
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,783
(Lina sighs)
752
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,253
(knocking)
753
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:16,454
>> RUSS: Uh, you don't happen to
754
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,456
have an extra condom, do you?
755
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,491
>> KIM: Who the hell is that?
756
00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:26,664
>> TYLER: Uh...
757
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,637
>> LINA: How did it go?
758
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,972
>> RUSS: Barely felt a thing.
759
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,474
>> DOCTOR: Oh, hey, guys, uh,
760
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:37,642
before I forget-- no
761
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,977
masturbating for 48 hours.
762
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,613
>> RUSS: No problem.
763
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,282
>> LINA: You're never gonna make
764
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,149
it.
765
00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:46,984
>> RUSS: No, not a chance.
46733
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