Original subtitles

>> DOCTOR: I see you brought

your wife along for moral

support.

>> RUSS: Yeah. She's here to

make sure I go through with it.

>> DOCTOR: No one likes getting

cut down there.

A vasectomy's a very simple

procedure.

An incision is made above the

testicles.

We sever the tubes, then we seal

them.

That's it.

No more sperm in the ejaculate.

How cool is that?

>> RUSS: So cool.

>> DOCTOR: May I ask what birth

control method you're currently

using?

>> RUSS: Oh, uh, abstinence.

>> LINA: Condoms.

>> RUSS: But mostly abstinence.

>> DOCTOR: What made you decide

that a vasectomy is the right

procedure?

>> RUSS: Oh, I didn't decide.

This was pretty much all her.

>> DOCTOR: Really?

>> LINA: I just don't want him

going off and starting a new

family.

He can barely afford the one

that he has.

>> RUSS: Wow. You know what?

While you're down there, just

take the whole thing off.

I don't need it.

>> LINA: I'm comfortable with

that.

>> RUSS: Yeah, I think Lina

feels bad about the whole

surgery thing, so, she's taking

me on a little romantic getaway.

>> JESS: Oh.

>> AJ: Oh.

>> JESS: It's like a...

vasectomy-moon.

>> RUSS: I guess.

>> AJ: One last trot around the

track before you're carted off

to the glue factory.

>> JESS: Who's watching the

kids?

>> RUSS: What? You are.

>> JESS: What?

>> RUSS: Dude, that's...

>> JESS: Since when?

>> RUSS: We talked...

Since...

>> JESS (laughing): I'm messing

with you.

>> AJ (laughing): Looking so

dumb.

>> RUSS: So not cool.

No, I'm just excited for the

hotel sex.

We haven't had real sex in our

own bed since, like, the kids.

>> JESS: Mm.

>> RUSS: I feel like hotel sex

is the only thing that's left

anymore.

>> JESS: Oh, yeah.

I would kill someone for hotel

sex.

Shep doesn't even look at me

anymore.

>> AJ: Jess, what do you expect?

You married an old guy.

>> JESS: No, that's not what it

is.

It's that I'm, like...

I annoy him.

Like, I'm annoying.

Oh, thanks, assholes.

(laughter)

Do you know that I told him the

other day...

I went up to him, and I was,

like, "I've been sexting the

neighbor," and it was just,

like, nothing.

>> AJ: Wait. What?!

>> RUSS: You sexted the

neighbor?

>> JESS: We were just joking

around.

But his wife-- she has no sense

of humor.

>> AJ: Oh, she doesn't like you

sexting her husband?

She's terrible.

>> JESS: She doesn't want other

people to be happy?

That's messed up.

>> AJ: Totally.

>> JESS: Right.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> AJ: She's really

unreasonable.

>> JESS: You shut up.

You-- what time are you dropping

your kids off tomorrow?

>> RUSS: No idea.

>> AJ: Whenever, man.

What is time?

>> JESS: Thanks, brah.

>> RUSS: I wish.

(Lina and Jess laughing)

>> RUSS: Thank you guys.

>> SHEPARD: All right.

>> JESS: Have fun!

>> LINA: Okay.

>> JESS: And don't worry about

your children.

>> SHEPARD: Hey, is it okay if

we take 'em for ice cream?

>> LINA: Honestly, I don't care

what you feed 'em.

>> RUSS: Feed them rocks.

>> SHEPARD: Got it. Rocks.

>> RUSS: Bye. Thanks again.

(car horn toots)

>> CHARLENE: Excuse me.

Do you have a second?

>> SHEPARD: Uh, look, Jess is

sorry about texting your

husband.

She just... she gets carried

away.

Uh, but it's never gonna happen

again.

>> JESS: I'm sorry.

>> CHARLENE: Marco never came

home last night.

We had a fight, and he's not

picking up his phone.

Have you guys been in contact?

>> JESS: No.

I swear, we have not.

Total bitch, right?

>> SHEPARD: Yeah.

>> LINA: Are we crazy for

leaving our kids with that

psycho?

>> RUSS: I don't know.

Shep's sort of normal.

>> LINA: He married her.

>> RUSS: Open my wallet right

now.

Look inside.

Tell me what you see.

(Lina gasps)

>> LINA: What?!

A condom?

>> RUSS: Right?

Not only a condom.

The last condom.

The very last condom that you

and I will ever use together.

>> LINA: The end of an era.

>> RUSS: Indeed.

>> RUSS: Wow.

>> LINA: I know.

>> RUSS: Can we afford this?

>> LINA: I got a Groupon.

>> RUSS: 'Cause you're the best.

>> LINA: I am.

>> RUSS: Wow.

>> LINA: I feel like this place

is gonna make a killer

margarita.

>> RUSS (whispering): What's

with all the khaki?

>> LINA: Oh.

"Welcome Nordoff Worldwide."

We're at a company retreat.

>> RUSS: I can work at Nordoff.

>> LINA: You wouldn't last five

minutes at Nordoff.

>> RUSS: I could be a

businessman.

>> LINA: Uh-uh.

>> RUSS: Pork futures.

>> LINA: Really?

>> RUSS: It's the future of

pork.

>> LINA: That's not what futures

>> RUSS: Hi. I'm David Nordoff.

This is my wife Gail.

(Lina laughing)

We're about to use our last

condom, so...

>> RUSS: ...do not disturb.

>> RUSS: The guy gave it to me.

Thought I put it in the bag.

>> LINA: I know better than to

trust you with a key.

>> KIM: Are you serious?

>> TYLER: No.

>> KIM: Did you lose the key

in two minutes?

>> TYLER: No. Hey.

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> TYLER: No, I think I gave it

to you in the lobby.

>> KIM: No, you did not!

>> TYLER: I'm pretty sure I did,

though.

>> TYLER: Remember, the guy gave

>> TYLER: ...then the guy

took all our stuff...

>> KIM: No.

(Lina sighs)

(toilet flushing)

(door opening)

>> LINA: Hey.

>> RUSS: Hi.

What, uh... what happened to

the thing I got you?

>> LINA: Um... I took it back...

and got this.

>> RUSS: It looks good.

>> LINA: So... want to do it?

>> RUSS: Sure.

Ow. Your knee is...

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: Oh, it's fine.

I think I need you to...

I need you to warm me

up or something.

>> LINA (whispering): My jaw's

getting sore.

>> RUSS: Oh, shit.

I fell out.

>> LINA: Oh, we can get it back.

>> RUSS: No.

>> LINA: Come on.

>> RUSS: I can't.

>> LINA: Oh.

(Lina groans)

(Russ sighs)

(Tyler and Kim moaning on other

side of wall)

(bed squeaking)

>> RUSS: Oh, my God.

(Tyler moans)

>> TYLER: You like that?

(Russ sighs)

>> RUSS: I mean...

>> TYLER: You like that? Huh?

>> KIM: Yes. Oh.

>> LINA: Can they hear us not

having sex?

(loud moaning)

>> RUSS: Oh, look.

It's the screamers.

>> LINA: Oh, man.

Her ass is so tiny.

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm. It is.

>> LINA: Does that get you hard?

>> RUSS: It probably would.

>> LINA: Well, look at it.

>> LINA: Whew!

>> KIM: Are you guys with

Nordoff?

>> RUSS: Uh, as a matter of

fact, yeah.

Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech

division.

I replaced Peterson. His wife...

>> LINA: He's lying to you.

>> KIM: Oh. (chuckles)

>> RUSS: Sorry.

>> LINA: He's... We're on a

romantic getaway.

>> KIM: Oh, wow.

>> LINA: What about you guys?

>> KIM: Uh, I'm-I'm at Nordoff.

But Tyler's my plus one.

>> LINA: Oh.

>> TYLER: I'm a constant plus

one.

>> KIM: No, he's a really...

actually a great chef.

>> LINA: Really?

>> KIM: Mm-hmm.

>> TYLER: Well, I mean, like,

not technically yet.

Like, I'm not a chef yet.

>> KIM: Well, you're going to

be.

>> LINA: Oh.

>> KIM: We're gonna, um, open a

restaurant so I can quit my

stupid job.

And call it TK's.

>> RUSS: We used to have a TK's.

Our own little TK's.

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> RUSS: Little surf shop in

Venice.

>> TYLER: Cool.

>> KIM: Oh, wow.

>> LINA: It was a really bad

investment, but it was super

cute.

>> RUSS: We did all right for a

little while.

>> LINA: No, we didn't,

actually, but it was fun.

>> KIM: You know, while you're

young.

>> TYLER: Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

>> CHARLENE: I need to talk to

your wife.

He's ignoring all my calls and

texts.

>> JESS: I'm so sorry.

I don't really understand how

I could help here.

>> CHARLENE: I thought that

maybe, you know, he'd respond to

you.

>> JESS: I think probably that

should just end, don't you?

>> CHARLENE: No.

No, you know, just...

just can you communicate with

him?

Like, the way that you

communicate with him?

>> SHEPARD: I believe she's

asking you to sext her husband.

>> JESS: All right, I don't

think that that's a very good

idea.

>> SHEPARD: She would love to

help you.

>> RUSS: So apparently they just

make a small incision just right

above the testicle and then they

go in with two metal pliers,

basically, and stretch the

incision out a little bit, pull

the two tubes out...

>> TYLER: That sounds awful,

man.

It sounds bad.

>> LINA: You feel a pinch.

>> TYLER: Remember when we,

uh... when we fixed Brutus?

>> KIM: Oh, God.

God, that was really sad.

>> LINA: I'm sure it wasn't that

bad.

>> RUSS: What happened?

>> TYLER: I mean, at first,

nothing.

He just walked around the

apartment humping everything

like normal and then...

>> KIM: He humped a lot.

>> TYLER: ...one day the humping

just stopped.

I mean, it's like he... he

realized that there was no point

anymore.

So now he just sleeps all day on

the couch.

It's a bummer.

>> KIM: Aw, he's a good dog.

>> TYLER: He is.

Well, I'm pruning up.

We should get back to the room.

>> LINA: Good luck with chef

school.

(moaning through wall)

(bed squeaking)

>> LINA: Do you want to try

again, honey?

>> RUSS: No.

>> LINA: Oh, come on.

You want to?

>> RUSS: I need to take a walk.

>> LINA: Okay, baby.

I'm going to wait here.

>> RUSS: I bet he's got his

finger in her ass.

I bet he's got his thumb,

like...

right up there.

(moaning continues)

>> TYLER: Hey, dude.

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> TYLER: Kim's taking a nap.

>> RUSS: Yeah, Lina, too.

>> TYLER: Yeah. Guess we wore

'em out, huh?

(both chuckle)

>> RUSS: You-you know it.

>> TYLER: Can I get one of

these?

Do you like cars?

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> TYLER: Check this guy out.

>> RUSS: Nice.

>> TYLER: Yeah, right?

>> RUSS: Wow.

That a Road Runner?

>> TYLER: Yep.

>> RUSS: Early '70s?

>> TYLER: Uh, '69.

>> RUSS: Mm, second year they

made 'em.

>> TYLER: Wow, dude.

Droppin' knowledge. Impressive.

You're a lot cooler than I

thought.

>> RUSS (chuckles): Thank you.

Oh, that's really beautiful.

>> TYLER: A man can dream,

right?

>> RUSS: How far away is it?

>> TYLER: Not far.

>> RUSS: You want to go check it

out?

How much are they asking?

>> TYLER: Eight grand.

>> RUSS: No.

>> TYLER: Yeah.

>> RUSS: Dude, I mean, this

thing's got to be worth three

times that.

>> TYLER: I mean, I guess they

just want to get rid of it.

>> RUSS: Aw, shit.

If I was your age, I would go

for it.

I mean, you have no kids, no

mortgage.

A wife with a good job.

I mean, look at this thing.

Oh, it's so sweet, dude.

>> TYLER: Eight grand is a lot

of money though.

>> RUSS: It's not though.

I mean, if you have it and you

can do it...

I don't know.

I would do it.

>> TYLER: Can you believe it?!

>> RUSS: I feel so cool.

>> TYLER: Dude, this is my

muscle car.

>> RUSS: Dude, congratulations.

>> TYLER: Thank you.

>> RUSS: This is awesome.

>> TYLER: Yeah.

I just want to really and

sincerely thank you for helping

me pull the trigger on this.

I never would've done it unless

I met you and you, like, pushed

me to do it.

>> RUSS: No. Sometimes you just

need that push, you know?

>> TYLER: Chef school can wait.

I mean, Kim will get it, right?

>> RUSS: What?

This was your chef school

money?

>> TYLER: You said it was a good

investment.

I can get, like, three times

what I paid for it, right?

>> RUSS: I mean... yeah.

I'm not exactly an expert, so,

you know, I...

It's just, you know, with the...

you know, economy.

(Tyler whoops)

>> CHARLENE: So, uh, how does it

usually start?

>> JESS: I don't know.

This is weird.

It never went that far.

We were just joking around.

>> CHARLENE: What did you guys

joke about?

>> JESS: I don't know, just

stupid... like, "Oh, neither one

of us are having very much sex,

like, um, with our partners."

>> SHEPARD: Well, maybe you

could joke about that right now.

'Cause it's funny.

(Jess sighs)

>> JESS: "Shep... is asleep...

on... the sofa.

What are...

you up to?"

He knows that he's not supposed

to text me, so he's not going to

respond, okay?

>> CHARLENE: Okay.

(phone dings)

Is that... is that him?

>> JESS: Um...

>> SHEPARD: "Just thinking about

you."

That's so sweet.

"Wanna play?"

(phone chimes)

(phone dings)

"Only want to play if it's

dirty."

"Thinking about...

>> JESS: No, you're not.

No. Mm-mm.

>> SHEPARD: Well, change what

you don't like.

>> JESS: "I've been a very

bad girl.

Forgot... to...

wear... panties.

Uh-oh."

(phone chimes)

(phone dings)

>> SHEPARD: "Sounds like you

need to be punished."

Okay, so, working off of that,

how do you think you should be

punished?

Seriously.

>> CHARLENE: Yeah.

>> JESS: Okay, fine.

"I deserve to be tied up."

>> SHEPARD: That's right.

Eh, uh...

>> JESS: "And... peed on"?

>> SHEPARD: See, now that sounds

right.

>> CHARLENE: What is wrong with

you people?

>> SHEPARD: Excuse me.

We're trying to help you.

>> JESS: Okay, can we just

regroup for a second?

We were just joking around.

Nobody was ever gonna act on

anything, okay?

(phone dings)

>> SHEPARD: "Let's meet up."

How 'bout that?

>> CHARLENE: Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's do it.

"I'll be there.

Pick a place.

Getting excite...

Getting wet.

Gushing...

thinking about it."

(phone chimes)

(phone dings)

>> SHEPARD: "Valley Oak bar,

North Hollywood.

On my way."

>> CHARLENE: Okay, let's go.

>> JESS: Let's not, let's not.

(short laugh) Let's not.

>> JESS: Not him.

It's not him.

>> SHEPARD: He's late.

I don't think he's coming.

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> CHARLENE: Well...

maybe... maybe he's not, but

maybe... maybe I should be

sexual messaging neighbors.

Maybe that will get his

attention, you know?

Or maybe I'll go brunette.

Maybe I should just shave off

all my hair-- pubes, too.

You know, maybe I should get

boobs, but... maybe I'll just

get bigger drinks.

>> SHEPARD: I think it might be

time to cut Charlene off.

>> JESS: Oh, you think so?

>> SHEPARD: And get her home.

>> SHEPARD: You know what,

sweetie?

Charlene and I were talking,

and I just explained to

her that sometimes people send

texts and just, like you said,

this is not... he's not gonna

act on it, and it's...

>> JESS: Right.

>> SHEPARD: He's not gonna show

up, and you have nothing to

worry...

We'll get, we'll get her a cab

and she's... gonna go home.

>> CHARLENE: Yeah.

>> SHEPARD: It's gonna be okay.

>> CHARLENE: Thank you.

>> JESS: Oh, oh, you know

what...

>> SHEPARD: Yeah, okay.

>> CHARLENE: Thank you.

>> SHEPARD: Okay.

That was weird.

>> JESS: Yup.

>> SHEPARD: Yeah.

I said it's gonna be fine, but I

don't think so.

>> JESS: No.

>> SHEPARD: No, I-I don't think

those two are gonna make it.

>> JESS: I don't think so,

either, especially since he just

showed up at this bar.

And I waved him off.

And that was that.

>> SHEPARD: You're smooth.

>> JESS: I'm very smooth.

Are you still mad at me?

>> SHEPARD: No. No, no... no.

>> JESS: No, you're not, because

you kind of like it when I get

us into these jams-- that's kind

of your thing.

>> SHEPARD: I knew who I was

marrying.

You're really a lot of trouble.

>> JESS: Mm-hmm.

>> LINA: Where are those guys?

>> KIM: I don't know.

Sounds like a real bro-fest.

>> LINA: Russ always makes

friends.

(engine rumbling)

(horn honks)

>> TYLER: What do you think?

Huh?

>> KIM: Is that your guys' car?

>> LINA: No.

That is definitely not ours.

>> TYLER: I just bought this.

For us.

>> KIM: For us?

>> TYLER: Well, I mean, like, I

have my whole life to go to

>> KIM: You bought this stupid

piece of shit for us?

>> TYLER: Well, it's not a

stupid piece of shit.

It's a really a beautiful car.

>> RUSS: It is, it's-it's, it is

a... it's a '69.

>> RUSS: Which... Yeah, which

>> LINA: Wait, this is a '69?

>> RUSS: Which was one of the

>> KIM: What about the

>> LINA: That makes it even

cooler.

>> KIM: That was our future.

restaurant's still our future.

And, uh, Russ was saying that we

should live in the now.

>> LINA: You know, restaurants

usually fail within the first

>> RUSS: They do, within the

first year-- some within six

>> LINA: He could actually be

saving you money.

>> RUSS: And you know what?

You guys... you know, this is

the time to-to ride free.

>> LINA: Once you start having

kids, you're never gonna have a

chance like this again.

>> RUSS: Yeah, unencumbered.

>> KIM: Did this moron talk you

into this?

>> TYLER: He told me it was

gonna be a really good

investment.

>> RUSS: That's not...

No, you know what, I never

actually, I, we didn't...

>> LINA: Did you just call

my husband a moron?

>> KIM: Yeah, if he made my

husband buy this car, then he's

a moron.

>> LINA: Uh, my husband can't

make anyone do anything.

>> RUSS: That's true, I...

>> LINA: 'Cause my husband would

never do anything this stupid.

>> LINA: And if he did, he

certainly wouldn't blame it on

anyone else, right, honey?

>> KIM: I don't... I don't need

your sad, boring old couple

advice, okay?

I'm doing just fine alone.

>> TYLER: Babe, you should just

take a ride in it.

(Lina and Russ laughing)

>> RUSS: Do you remember when we

were that dumb?

>> LINA: Baby, you're still that

dumb.

>> RUSS: I know, but that's how

you like it.

>> LINA: I do.

>> RUSS: Real dumb.

>> LINA: So dumb.

So dumb.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

(Russ grunting)

(Lina screaming)

Oh, oh, my God!

>> RUSS: Oh.

(both moaning)

(both breathing heavily)

>> LINA: Oh, yeah.

(laughs)

(laughing)

Can we do it again?

>> RUSS: I don't...

We're out of supplies.

(Lina sighs)

(knocking)

>> RUSS: Uh, you don't happen to

have an extra condom, do you?

>> KIM: Who the hell is that?

>> TYLER: Uh...

>> LINA: How did it go?

>> RUSS: Barely felt a thing.

>> DOCTOR: Oh, hey, guys, uh,

before I forget-- no

masturbating for 48 hours.

>> RUSS: No problem.

>> LINA: You're never gonna make

it.

>> RUSS: No, not a chance.