Original subtitles

>> FRANKIE: I hate my dress.

>> LINA: Well, you should have

thought of that before you

picked it out.

>> ELLA: Frankie, I'm gonna

be late!

>> LINA: Honey, if you would

have helped with your sisters,

you wouldn't have been so late.

>> FRANKIE: I don't like my

dress.

>> ELLA: Wednesday's the only

day I can't be late.

>> LINA: I'm sorry, Ella.

Don't be such a spaz.

And you-- you need to find

your glasses.

>> ELLA: Come on, let's go!

>> MAYA: I know where they are.

>> FRANKIE: I don't like my

dress.

>> LINA: Well, then, find them

and put them on your face.

>> ELLA: Hurry up!

>> LINA: Ella, just go ahead.

You don't have to wait for us.

>> MAYA: They look stupid on me!

>> LINA: Well, you're gonna look

stupider when someone hits you

in the face with a ball in gym

class 'cause you can't see to

catch it!

>> LINA: Really?

>> RUSS: Come on.

This is good for us.

>> LINA: No.

>> RUSS: Intimacy.

>> LINA: It's not relaxing.

It's too small, and I get cold.

(dog whimpering)

>> RUSS: There's plenty of

space.

(whimpering continues)

Out.

Go!

>> LINA: You have to take

him out.

>> RUSS: Come on. Come on.

(whining)

(Russ groans)

I put him outside.

>> LINA: Did you shut the gate?

>> RUSS: We have a gate?

(dog whimpering)

>> LINA: Come on!

(whimpering continues)

Well, he's not using the leg at

all, and I'm really worried

about it.

>> RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry.

What was the exact cause of the

injury?

>> LINA: He fell down the back

steps.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> LINA: My husband left the

gate open.

>> RUSS: My wife made me take

the dog outside.

>> LINA: I didn't want the dog

to see my husband's boner.

>> RUSS: We were showering.

>> LINA: I was showering.

>> RUSS: We were both...

>> LINA: I... was showering.

>> RUSS: It's a very small

shower.

>> RECEPTIONIST: Okay. I'll...

Doctor will see you shortly.

(dog whimpering)

>> LINA: $5,000.

>> RUSS: Maybe we need a

vacation, just the two of us.

>> LINA: Hello.

We just got a $5,000 vet bill.

Can't afford a vacation.

>> RUSS: I mean, how-how much do

you think it would cost to... I

don't know, like, put the dog

down?

>> LINA: The kids love that dog.

I love that dog.

>> RUSS: No.

I know.

So do I.

And what pisses me off the most

is that I have a wife, and I

have kids, and now I have this

other thing that I have to take

care of... and pay for.

>> AJ: Dogs are tough.

How much do you need?

>> RUSS: Five K.

>> AJ: That's a lot of money.

>> RUSS: I know. I know.

Work has kind of been slow.

>> AJ: I get it.

You got a lot of vaginas to

feed, huh?

Maybe you could do something

for me.

Roxanne and Jerry are having

a party.

They're moving in together.

I told you that, right?

>> RUSS: Oh, shit.

No. Sorry.

>> AJ: It's cool. I'm cool.

He's a great guy.

He's teaching me how to

mountain-bike.

>> RUSS: Don't you already know

how to mountain-bike?

>> AJ: Yeah, but not like

this guy.

>> RUSS: You sure you're okay?

>> AJ: Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm going to their housewarming

party tomorrow.

>> RUSS: Are you serious?

>> AJ: Yeah. Yeah, my therapist

thinks it's a good idea.

You know, closure.

>> RUSS: You're really gonna go?

>> AJ: Sure. It'll be fun,

you know?

It would be nice to have some

support there.

>> RUSS: Yeah, absolutely.

I will be there.

>> LINA: Wait.

I don't understand.

Is he lending us the money

or not?

>> RUSS: I think so.

>> LINA: You think so?

>> RUSS: I mean, I'm-I'm pretty

sure.

That's why we're going to the

party.

>> LINA: Do you think we can get

it up front?

>> RUSS: Mm, I don't think so.

Hello.

>> LINA: Oh.

>> MAYA: This is what she's

wearing.

>> ELLA: We think you should

change.

>> MAYA: Maybe put on a dress.

>> LINA: I don't like this

dress.

>> RUSS: Why?

I think it looks great.

>> LINA: It's just itchy and

weird.

It's, like, from the '80s.

>> RUSS: Stop.

>> LINA: Come on. Where is she?

Ella?!

Are you sure you're gonna be

able to do this?

'Cause I'm not gonna pick you up

in the middle of the night from

another sleepover.

>> ELLA: Mom!

>> RUSS: Mom!

>> LINA: Mom!

(horn honking)

>> LINA: Five bucks says she

doesn't make it till midnight.

>> RUSS: Yes, she will.

>> VALET: You here for the

engagement party?

>> RUSS: Uh, Roxanne and Jerry?

>> VALET: Yep.

>> LINA: I can't believe we got

suckered into going to AJ's

ex-wife's engagement party.

(phone chimes)

>> RUSS: I know.

>> LINA: With AJ.

>> RUSS: And he's running late.

(Lina scoffs)

>> RUSS: Should we bail?

>> LINA: Kind of want to.

>> RUSS: Right?

>> LINA: We have a bottle of

wine-- let's go to the park

and drink it.

>> RUSS: Let's go.

Yeah, let's go.

>> ROXANNE: Russ?

>> RUSS (sighs): Lina.

>> ROXANNE: Russ?

>> LINA and RUSS: Hi!

>> LINA: That ring is insane.

Are you kidding me?

>> ROXANNE: Ah, thanks. I know.

It... You know what?

This is... quick.

It's fast.

I never planned to get married

again-- you know that.

He... This is his second

marriage, too.

>> JERRY: Yeah, I never thought

I'd be getting married again.

>> ROXANNE: No, and...

>> JERRY: All of a sudden, we

have caterers and florists and

dressmakers.

>> ROXANNE: Yeah, we're planning

a wedding, yeah.

I mean, this is...

>> JERRY: We're doing it.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse us.

That's the door.

Uh, grab a drink.

>> LINA: Okay.

>> RUSS: Sure. Thank you.

Thank you.

>> LINA: Oh, my God, I hope my

next husband is this rich.

>> RUSS: Well, you are free to

marry him as soon as my second

wife graduates high school.

>> LINA: Deal.

>> JESS: Oh, thank God.

Someone I can talk to.

>> LINA: Wow.

>> RUSS: Look at you.

>> JESS: Yeah.

I was in a slut mood.

>> RUSS: Oh, I'm sorry.

There are other moods?

>> JESS: Can you ask your

husband to please be nice to me?

>> LINA: Uh, where is your

husband?

>> JESS: Oh, my grandfather

husband is a million years old,

and so he's asleep, and I'm

here.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

It's very important.

>> RUSS: Be right back.

>> JESS: So, there's this guy at

work.

>> RUSS: Uh-huh.

>> JESS: And things have been

getting a little bit out of

control.

>> RUSS: Oh, I thought you had a

thing about work.

>> JESS: I do. I do.

>> RUSS: A rule.

>> JESS: We haven't done

anything.

There is a rule.

I do have a thing about work.

(sniffing)

He made me finger myself.

>> RUSS: He made you?

At gunpoint?

>> JESS: He made me finger

myself.

Like, if he gives me the

challenge, I'm not gonna not

do it.

>> RUSS: No. Why would you?

>> LINA: So, how do you guys...?

How do you know...?

Um... is it Jerry?

>> JESS: We didn't touch each

other.

We were in separate cubicles.

>> RUSS: Uh-huh.

>> JESS: I'm not an idiot.

>> RUSS: Right.

>> JESS: He just, uh...

(sniffles, scoffs)

He made me finger myself.

That's what happened.

He made me finger myself.

>> LINA: And if we don't get the

surgery, they might as well just

cut the leg off.

And we only got him...

>> RUSS: Hey. Hey, come with me.

>> LINA: What? Where's AJ?

>> RUSS: I don't know.

That's not important right now.

>> LINA: Is he coming?

>> RUSS: I-I don't know.

It's not important.

>> LINA: The whole point...

>> RUSS: Just come with me.

>> LINA: I'll be right back.

>> RUSS: Please, I got to show

you something.

>> LINA: Her brother is a vet.

>> RUSS: Four showerheads.

>> LINA: Look at that.

>> RUSS: Four showerheads.

>> LINA: Wow.

>> RUSS: Four.

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> RUSS: You always say, like,

"I don't want to take a shower

with you because somebody always

gets cold."

>> LINA: Because I always get

cold-- me.

>> RUSS: Yes!

Now we don't have to.

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> RUSS: We can just enjoy it.

>> LINA: W... Now?

>> RUSS: No one is getting cold.

Because there are four.

>> LINA: Honey, we're not

showering right now.

>> RUSS: We are showering

right now.

>> LINA: No, no, no, no. No.

>> RUSS: Yes.

Nobody's gonna get cold.

>> LINA: We're at a party.

>> RUSS: I know.

>> LINA: We're not taking

a shower.

>> RUSS: There are four

showerheads here.

>> LINA: What is your obsession

with showers right now?

>> RUSS: Come on.

Just take your clothes off.

>> LINA: No, I'm not showering

at this party.

>> RUSS: Why not?

Let's just spice it up.

We used to do shit like this.

>> LINA: You're so cute

right now.

I'm not showering with you.

>> RUSS: Oh, it's AJ. Hello?

>> LINA: Good.

>> RUSS: We're hanging out.

It's very mellow.

Everybody's... We're just

hanging out.

>> LINA: Just tell him to

come in.

>> RUSS: I know.

That's what I'm telling him.

Really?

(Lina groans)

Um, yes, I can.

Okay. I'll be right out.

Hey.

>> AJ (sighs): I've been parked

out here for almost an hour.

I didn't want to cry in front of

everyone.

You know?

>> RUSS: You think you're done

crying?

>> AJ: Huh.

My therapist is such a piece of

shit.

Closure. What kind of bullshit

is that?

I should put a bullet in his

head-- that'd be closure, huh?

>> RUSS: What do you want to do?

>> AJ: Get in the car.

Please.

>> RUSS: Where are we going?

>> AJ: Home.

>> RUSS: Your apartment?

>> AJ: Mm-mm. No, home-home.

My apartment's not a home.

It's a coffin.

(starts engine)

>> JESS: Hi.

>> LINA: Excuse me. Hi.

Thank you.

I can't believe I wasted a

sitter on this.

>> JESS: It's still early.

Let's just go out.

>> LINA: Hmm, I have to get up

early.

>> JESS: Honestly, you really

look too good to go home.

Don't waste it.

I'll make it worth your while.

>> LINA: Really?

>> RUSS: You guys still haven't

sold this place?

>> AJ: We've gotten a couple

offers, but nowhere near what

it's worth.

We were happy in this house.

>> RUSS: No, you weren't.

>> AJ: Well, we could've been.

Roxanne wants to sell.

She doesn't mind taking the

loss.

I'm not taking any more losses.

>> RUSS: Dude, you-you got to

move on.

Roxanne is engaged.

>> AJ: Thanks, Dad.

You know, when I said that I

didn't want to be alone tonight,

that meant that I needed a

friend, not a dad, Dad.

>> RUSS: From now on, I am all

friend.

>> AJ: Thank you.

(doorbell rings)

Mmm, the girls are here.

>> RUSS: What girls?

>> AJ: The companionship I

ordered.

>> RUSS: Oh, Jesus.

>> AJ: Lighten up, Dad.

>> WOMAN: Hi!

>> AJ: The party has arrived.

Hi.

Welcome to my ex-home.

Try not to slip on my tears.

(chuckles) Come in.

This is my friend, Russ.

He's even crazier than I am.

>> RUSS: Uh, no.

I am not crazy.

But I do... I do have issues.

I do, yeah.

No, I'm, I am very complicated.

(laughter, phone rings)

>> AJ: Oh.

I'm getting a call.

It's my therapist.

Ex-therapist.

Hey, asshole.

How am I?

Well, why don't you ask the

crack whores I just ordered?

We're done.

You broke my heart, Dr. Closure.

(phone beeps)

Okay, who wants a tour?

This is the guest room.

This is where my mother-in-law

stayed for six months after her

hysterectomy.

(sniffs) Smell that?

But did I complain?

>> RUSS: (softly): Every day.

>> AJ: Not as much as I could

have.

>> WOMAN 2: I get it.

My mother-in-law is a

straight-up bitch.

>> AJ: That's a friend, right?

Thank you very much.

And this was my daughter's room.

She loved this room.

(grunts)

Hates my condo, but who can

blame her, right?

>> RUSS: All right, should we

keep it moving here?

>> WOMAN 2: Yeah, mm-hmm.

>> RUSS: See some, uh...

>> AJ: Oh, God, this is fun.

Let's get this party started.

>> JESS: We just flirt.

It's whatever.

He knows it's not going

anywhere.

He knows I'm a married lady.

He knows I've had a baby, and

it's just one of those work

things that you need to help

stay alive.

>> LINA: I miss work crushes.

>> JESS: Mmm, Russ told me that

you're thinking about going back

to work.

(Lina groaning)

(Jess chuckles)

>> LINA: I don't know where to

start with that.

My last résumé was on a

floppy disk.

>> JESS: Oh, my God, he's here.

>> LINA: Who?

>> JESS: Dewey, my work crush.

>> LINA: You brought me here to

meet him?

>> JESS: You're really gonna

like him.

He has a lot to offer.

(Lina groans)

Oh, he brought a friend.

>> LINA: They're babies.

>> JESS: Mm-hmm, they are.

And lucky for him, 'cause I'm

still lactating.

>> DEWEY: Hey, hottie.

>> JESS: Hey.

(Lina groans)

>> MAN: Hey.

>> LINA: Hi.

>> MAN: So, how do you ladies

know each other?

>> LINA: She's really good

friends with my husband.

>> JESS: What? Hold on!

Did you just say I'm really good

friends with your husband?

We're not friends, bitch?

>> LINA: Yes, we are, but you

asked how we knew each other.

How we know each other is that

you're friends with...

>> JESS: Don't strain yourself.

Jesus.

Sorry you're slumming it with

your husband's friend.

Maybe you should get your own

friends.

>> LINA: No, I...

>> JESS: Can I get some shots,

please?

>> AJ: This was supposed to be a

fitness center.

A place we could come every day,

work out together, connect, be

intimate, you know.

We never worked out.

>> RUSS: All right, I don't know

about you guys, but, uh, I kind

of feel like a-a cleansing row.

>> AJ: What?

>> RUSS: A row. Come on.

>> AJ: I like what you're

saying, yeah.

>> RUSS: Why not?

>> AJ: You girls want to get in

shape, huh, huh?

>> RUSS: Let's utilize some of

this dusty equipment.

>> AJ: Right on, huh?

>> WOMAN 2: Row harder!

>> RUSS: I can't.

>> WOMAN: Okay, now slower.

>> WOMAN 2: Come on,

get into it.

>> RUSS: I know.

>> AJ: Hey, hey, hey, hey,

don't-don't do that.

That's not necessary.

Just... be real.

Okay?

(laughter)

>> JESS: All right, cheers.

(whooping)

Thank you.

>> MAN: Cheers.

>> DEWEY: Yeah.

>> LINA: He makes the

best shots.

How hard is it to make

another one?

>> JESS: Let's do it! You! Pour!

(AJ exhales)

>> WOMAN: Yeah. Come on. Ooh.

>> AJ: Right?

>> WOMAN 2: Come on.

(women laughing)

>> AJ: Uh, uh... yes!

Jump! Jump! Jump!

Oh... my... God.

>> WOMAN: Don't you want to

join us?

>> RUSS: I am joining you in

spirit.

>> WOMAN: Come on!

>> JESS: You're like a little

baby.

Are you sipping that?

Oh, what a puss.

Put some underpants over

your face. You're a vagina!

(laughter)

>> LINA: Yay!

>> AJ: Oh, I'm feeling that

in my arms.

It's bad habits, but I can do it

if I'm instructed.

Bend over lower.

You're not squatting.

(grunting)

Let the tension out.

What is wrong with you?

Like, really go for it.

>> RUSS: I am, okay?

>> AJ: Don't be timid in here.

>> WOMAN 2: Come on, come on,

let's make this work.

>> WOMAN: Don't be a girl.

We are getting in shape!

>> MAN: I seriously don't

believe you.

>> LINA: Yeah, believe it.

>> MAN: Really? Three kids?

>> LINA: Yes. Three.

>> MAN: No way.

>> LINA: Way.

(man chuckles)

>> MAN: Are they cool?

>> LINA: Not really.

(Russ groaning)

>> WOMAN 2: Listen to me now!

>> AJ: I'll do whatever you

want, just...

>> WOMAN 2: You'll do

what I say.

>> JESS: You need to dance.

>> LINA: I'm not dancing.

>> JESS: Yeah, I want to see

that booty shake all around.

>> LINA: I'm not dancing.

>> JESS: Now's the time.

¶ ¶

>> AJ: Oh, yeah.

That is fantastic.

If I died right now...

it would be sad.

It would, it would suck.

No way I would want to go.

Confuse a lot of people.

Sorry, I got to remember to move

and not just watch you.

¶ ¶

(squealing)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(laughter)

>> AJ: So, are you guys bisexual

or what?

>> RUSS: Uh, guys, the man asked

you a question.

(laughter)

>> JESS: Whoa.

Yeah, you're the champion.

You're the champion.

You did it.

>> LINA: Are you hungry?

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> LINA: Do you have any money?

>> JESS: No.

But I can get it.

>> JESS: Oh, shit.

I forget my PIN number.

It's my kid's birthday, which

is... which is named Harrison.

(laughter)

What is his birth...

Don't judge.

>> LINA: Oh, my God.

Tonight was really fun.

>> JESS: Tonight is so much fun.

Don't die on me now, Lina.

Let's go!

Let's get your ass back in the

bar.

>> LINA: Jess!

>> JESS: What?

>> LINA: I want to get another

taco.

>> JESS: This is a taco.

>> LINA: Oh, my God. (laughs)

¶ ¶

>> AJ: Which one do you want?

>> RUSS: Which one do you want?

>> AJ: Both.

>> RUSS (chuckles): Good choice.

Good...

(phone chirps)

Oh, shit.

>> AJ: Everything okay?

>> RUSS: Ella's bailing on

another sleepover.

>> AJ: Oh.

I used to love sleepovers.

I'd pretend that I had normal

parents and a nice house.

Instead of that shit hole.

>> RUSS: Hey, I got to go.

Can I borrow your car?

>> AJ: Yeah.

(keys jingle)

Oh, and, uh...

for the dog.

>> RUSS: Thank you, man.

>> AJ: Thank you.

>> RUSS: Have fun tonight.

>> AJ: I will try.

>> RUSS: Good-bye.

Good times.

>> WOMAN: Bye.

(doors closes)

>> AJ: Ladies,

it's pajama time.

(sighs)

>> ELLA: I'm sorry I keep making

you do this.

I just get really scared.

>> RUSS: I know.

It's okay.

>> ELLA: Everything gets easier

when you're a grown-up, right?

(clicking)

>> RUSS: Yeah.

Uh-huh.

(engine starts)

>> ELLA: Love you, Daddy.

>> RUSS: Love you, too.

>> ELLA: Thanks.

>> RUSS: Sleep good.

>> LINA: It's this one.

(keys jingling)

(sniffling)

Baby?

(Russ groans)

I need help with my dress.

>> RUSS: No. No.

(Lina muttering)

Ow!

Ow.

>> LINA: I can't get my dress

undone.

>> RUSS: Wow.

You look like you had

a good time.

(Lina laughs)

>> LINA: Oh, my God, I had the

best time.

I love Jess.

Oh.

(Russ groans)

>> RUSS: Look what I got.

>> LINA: Is it water?

Oh.

Oh.

AJ rocks.

>> RUSS: Hmm, sometimes.

>> LINA: He's a good one.

>> RUSS: Mm-hmm.

>> LINA (gasps): I forgot to

tell you something.

I forgot to tell you that, um,

Jess is gonna help me with my

résumé.

>> RUSS: Really?

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> RUSS: That's great.

>> LINA: No one's gonna hire me,

but, oh, I'm gonna have such an

awesome résumé.

(sighs)

>> RUSS: Do you remember when we

stayed with your friend on

Catalina before we had kids?

>> LINA: Yeah.

>> RUSS: And we got back from

the beach, and we went in that

outdoor shower.

And we stayed in there for,

like, an hour.

(Lina chuckles)

We didn't care what anybody

heard or how loud we were.

We just...

stayed in there forever.

We just... showered.

>> LINA: Oh, baby.

We need a vacation.

>> RUSS: Please, can it be

somewhere with an outdoor

shower?

>> LINA: It's gonna be a villa.

>> RUSS: Oh.

Well, see you in the villa.

>> LINA: See you at the villa.