Original subtitles

(dog barking in distance)

(Russ grunts)

>> RUSS: Hey.

>> LINA: Mm.

>> RUSS: That a vampire book?

>> LINA: Mm-hmm.

>> RUSS: Didn't you just watch a

vampire movie?

>> LINA: I like vampires.

(Russ grunts)

>> RUSS: That is weird.

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: Give me your hand.

Tell me this doesn't feel weird

to you.

>> LINA: What?

>> RUSS: Give me your hand.

Tell me this doesn't feel weird.

>> LINA: I'm not touching your

penis.

>> RUSS: I'm serious, there's

something, like, going on.

(sighs)

Oh, wow. You know what?

I bet it probably tastes weird,

too.

(Lina groans)

>> LINA: I'm sure it does.

Good night.

(Russ moaning softly)

>> LINA (sighs): You're shaking

the bed again.

(Russ moaning softly)

>> LINA: All right, you guys.

Come on. We need to go.

We're late, late, late, late,

late.

>> ELLA: Mom, Daddy's sleeping

on the couch again.

>> LINA: Yeah, ask Daddy about

that.

>> MAYA: Daddy, Daddy, I forgot

to feed Norman.

>> RUSS: What?

>> MAYA: I need you to feed

Norman.

>> RUSS: Okay. Who's Norman?

>> MAYA: Norman. My fish.

>> RUSS: Right. Okay.

I will feed Norman.

He's a fish.

(car engine starts)

(door closes, horn honks)

>> RUSS: Can I ask you

something?

>> BERNIE: Yeah, I'm here for

you.

>> RUSS: How often do you and

Cindy have sex?

>> BERNIE: (chuckles) Is that

what this is about?

Huh. I don't know.

You know, we have our ups and

downs.

Sometimes we do it a lot,

sometimes only three or four

times a week.

>> RUSS: Really?

>> BERNIE: Yeah.

Oh, you guys... having trouble?

>> RUSS: The other day, I

started calculating how many

more times Lina and I are gonna

do it before we die.

I actually, like, started

crunching numbers.

>> BERNIE: All right.

And how did the numbers look?

Oh. Pretty bad, huh?

>> RUSS: Yeah. It's just...

It's like, even when we... have

sex, it's not like real sex,

you know?

It's like somewhere between,

like, pity sex and-and

necrophilia.

>> BERNIE: (sighs) All right.

I'm gonna solve this for you.

You know how Cindy really loves

dancing and I hate dancing

'cause it's a stupid waste of

time?

But I dance with my wife.

'Cause even though I hate it, I

love having sex.

Find out what she's into.

Pretend to like it, no matter

how stupid it is.

It's called being sensitive.

(crickets chirping)

>> LINA: Did you move the kids?

>> RUSS (Transylvanian accent):

Good evening.

(Lina laughs)

I want to suck your junk.

Ha, ha, ha.

>> LINA: Wh-What's this?

>> RUSS: This is your fantasy.

>> LINA: (laughs) Okay, well,

first of all, the accent?

Not all vampires are from

Transylvania.

>> RUSS (Canadian accent): I

want to suck your junk, eh?

>> LINA: (chuckles) What's that?

>> RUSS: It's a Canadian

vampire.

I can be whatever vampire you

want me to be.

>> LINA: Is this seriously

supposed to turn me on?

Come on.

We had a quickie a few weeks

ago.

>> RUSS: Yeah, and you yelled at

me for not being quick enough.

>> LINA: Because quickies are

supposed to be quick.

>> RUSS: I don't understand how

you can be, like, into all that

fantasy stuff and not interested

in the real thing.

>> LINA: Because the fantasy

doesn't make me feel like shit

every time I don't do one of its

porno positions.

>> RUSS: What are you talking

about?

I have four basic positions.

>> LINA: Um...

>> RUSS: Fine. Si... Seven.

>> LINA: Really? Seven?

>> RUSS: Yes, seven.

>> LINA: All you do is flip me

over and over and over.

>> RUSS: It's fun.

(Russ snoring)

(grunts)

>> LINA: I mean, I get it.

You were doing a really cute

thing and I messed it all up.

>> RUSS: I was just...

>> LINA: Baby, I'm sorry.

It's just the girls-- they take

everything out of me.

And it doesn't help that every

time you look at me, I get

pregnant.

>> RUSS: That's not...

always my fault.

The last one, I wore a condom.

>> LINA: Yeah, and you screwed

it off.

>> RUSS: I didn't screw it off.

>> LINA: You did screw it off.

>> RUSS: No, I didn't.

>> LINA: Yes, you did.

>> RUSS: Your vagina, like,

ate it and then...

>> LINA: Don't blame this on my

vagina.

>> RUSS: Well...

>> LINA: Look, I'm trying to

make everyone happy.

And then at the end of the day,

I have to make you happy, too?

I... It's just too much.

>> MAYA: Ella hit me!

>> LINA: Well, hit her back.

>> RUSS: Look...

>> LINA: Don't you think if

there was some magical sex pill

that I could take, I would?

>> RUSS: Then let's go magic

pill shopping.

>> LINA: I can't have this

conversation with you again.

>> RUSS: I know.

>> LINA: It's the same thing

over and over and over.

I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe you should just go and be

with someone else.

>> RUSS: What?

You want to split up?

>> LINA: No.

>> RUSS: Then how am I supposed

to go be with someone else?

>> LINA: You go...

be with someone else.

(girl screams)

Which one was that?

>> JESS: Well, what exactly is

she proposing here?

>> RUSS: I have no idea.

She said that I basically should

get my needs met somewhere else.

>> JESS: Well, maybe you should

just get a whore.

I think one of my old roommates

is an actual whore.

She was cute.

She's probably ruined in her

area, but she is a... whore.

>> RUSS: I don't... It's not...

I don't want a whore.

>> JESS: I wish Greg would give

me permission to bang

a stranger.

>> RUSS: No, you do not.

>> JESS: Oh, yes, I do.

>> RUSS: No.

>> JESS: Mm-hmm. I am so tired

of sleeping with someone who is

old enough to be my father's

friend.

Who also happens to be my

father's friend, which is

totally on me.

Totally on me. Thank you.

>> RUSS: I used to, like, fully

turn Lina on, and now I... I

just annoy her.

>> JESS: Dude, she loves you.

It's like with me and Greg.

I know that he loves me, but I

also know that he can't keep up

with me.

(groans) Did I tell you that he

can only do doggy style if he

wears a knee brace?

>> RUSS: No.

>> JESS: That's not a sex toy.

Doggy's my jam.

>> AJ: I don't care about your

stupid barbeque.

It's my weekend.

Yeah. Oh, and another thing,

tell your screw pal to stop

buying my daughter turtles.

I'm her father.

Nobody buys her turtles except

me, do you understand?

(sighs) Baby mama drama.

(chuckles) Oh.

>> RUSS: How is everything

working out, you know, for you,

divorce-wise?

>> AJ: It's a big party. What?

>> RUSS: No, but you're getting

laid a lot.

At least, you talk about it a

lot.

>> AJ: Yeah, and you have a

family, huh?

You want to know where I spent

my last Thanksgiving?

At a Panda Express with a

dominatrix, all right?

Don't try and out-sad me.

I am the king of sad.

(Jess laughs)

>> JESS: Congratulations.

>> AJ: Thank you.

What's his problem?

>> JESS: He's just so sad

because his wife says he can

have sex with other people.

>> AJ: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did you get it in writing?

>> RUSS: No.

I don't want it in writing.

I just want her.

>> AJ: I get it.

She's hot, all right?

>> RUSS: She is.

>> AJ: Sure. Those legs, that

ass, those nipples that say

howdy.

But trust me, man-- don't let

sex ruin what you guys have.

If-if I could do it all over

again, I would've just gotten a

mistress.

It might've saved my marriage.

>> JESS: That is actually a

smart idea.

Excuse me.

>> RUSS: No. Don't.

>> JESS: Yes. Do.

>> RUSS: Don't. Don't.

>> AJ: Yes.

>> JESS: Excuse me.

>> WAITRESS: Yeah.

>> JESS: Hi.

>> WAITRESS: How can I help you

guys?

>> JESS: Well, would you be

interested in being my friend's

mistress?

It's for a good cause.

He needs to save his marriage.

And don't worry-- it's that

friend, not that one.

>> WAITRESS (chuckles):

A mistress.

Um, well, what are the hours

like?

>> JESS: Oh. Very honest.

Funny. Okay.

>> AJ: That's very funny.

>> JESS: Russ, this is...

>> WAITRESS: I'm Ella.

>> RUSS: Oh, that's my

daughter's name.

>> WAITRESS: Oh, no way.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

>> WAITRESS: That's a good name.

>> RUSS: It's a great name.

But maybe not so much for a

mistress.

'Cause then I'd be, like, inside

her and I'm feeling like it's

incest.

That's gross.

>> AJ: Don't be so

old-fashioned.

>> JESS: You are a buzzkill.

>> RUSS: This is not going well.

I don't...

>> JESS: No, it's going so

poorly.

>> RUSS: I find you very

attractive, I just don't want...

>> WAITRESS: I actually have

other tables.

>> AJ: Yeah, sure you do.

>> JESS: No, you're released.

>> WAITRESS: Thanks, you guys.

>> AJ: Of course you do.

Yes, enjoy your other tables.

>> WAITRESS: Okay.

>> JESS: If you really are

serious about getting a

mistress, then you're gonna need

to do something about that ear

hair that's in there.

You need to wax it out or

something, because ear hair is

not sexy, it's not...

>> RUSS: I'm not getting a

mistress.

>> AJ: Why not?

>> JESS: Ugh.

>> RUSS: You know me, I get too

attached.

And then there's the cost.

Like, Lina would kill me if I

was out buying shoes for other

women.

>> AJ: So keep it on the cheap.

Get her some flip-flops or

something, you know?

Flip-flops and a sandwich, man.

That's all it takes.

JESS: Oh... What are you, so

romantic?

AJ: Well, we're not talking

about romance, here.

>> RUSS: Even if I did do it,

right... like, I haven't been

single in a very long time.

I would ha... have no idea where

to start.

>> JESS: Start with the ears.

(laughs)

(AJ chuckles)

RUSS: Really?

(Russ grunts)

>> RUSS: You know, I've always

wondered what the inside of this

place looks like.

My... My wife used to actually

come here and get waxed all the

time.

That was, uh, that was before we

had kids, obviously.

Just...

Ow.

Lately, she's, uh, really let

things go down there.

(chuckles)

Kind of looks like a pirate.

(music playing through earbuds)

>> ISIS: Did you say something?

>> RUSS: No, I did not.

Just, uh...

It's... not important.

>> ISIS: Are those your girls?

>> RUSS: Yeah, three girls.

>> ISIS: You gonna try for the

boy?

>> RUSS: I don't really care

about the boy part, but, uh, I'm

always down for trying.

>> ISIS: I like funny guys.

>> RUSS: Do you, uh, do you have

any kids, or...

>> ISIS: My ex and I were

supposed to have a boy.

Charlie.

>> RUSS: Oh.

>> ISIS: That's what we were

going to call him.

We were at 23 weeks, and then

one day...

Now he walks with Jesus.

>> RUSS: Um...

Uh, Charlie is...

That's a great name.

It's a great name.

(Isis sobs quietly)

>> ISIS: Sorry about losing it

like that.

>> RUSS: Oh, please, don't worry

about it.

I lose it all the time, so...

(both laugh)

No, it's, you know, it's hard

being with the same person

forever, you know, and ever.

And ever.

(puppies barking)

(laughs)

>> ISIS: Look how cute.

>> RUSS: Aw.

>> ISIS: After we lost the

baby, Angel-- my ex-- wanted to

start trying again.

But I couldn't be with him no

more.

Every time we tried to, uh...

I just thought of Charlie and

his cute little sonogram.

Maybe God doesn't think I'd

be a good mother.

Maybe that's why he took

Charlie.

(barking)

(phone line rings)

>> RUSS: Oh, thank God you

picked up.

Hey, uh, I need a favor.

Yeah, I'm, um...

I need 400 bucks.

Thank you so much, dude.

>> BERNIE: There you go, $400.

>> RUSS: Oh, you're a lifesaver.

>> BERNIE: So, this is it,

you're getting a whore.

>> RUSS: No, of course not.

>> BERNIE: Uh, okay, okay.

>> RUSS: But do me a favor,

though-- don't say anything to

Cindy, she-she'll say something

to Lina.

>> BERNIE: (chuckles)

Then Lina will know you're

getting a whore.

>> RUSS: Again, Bernie, not

getting a whore, okay?

>> BERNIE: Right, okay.

>> RUSS: Thank you.

>> BERNIE: I won't say anything.

But, uh, if it is a whore, just

promise me-- don't choke her.

I don't want to get that call.

Hands off.

>> RUSS: Thank you.

Here you go.

>> ISIS: Oh, you're crazy.

>> RUSS: Well, you said he was

cute, right?

>> ISIS: We should call him

Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

>> RUSS: Charlie, like, like,

Charlie, Charlie?

(Isis giggling)

>> ISIS: Oh, my little Charlie.

>> RUSS: I was...

Yeah, I was... I was just

thinking maybe, like,

Hercules, you know, or-or, uh...

Okay, we'll go with Charlie, I

guess.

>> ISIS: You gonna come in,

right?

>> RUSS: I don't know, uh...

Maybe just for a minute.

>> ISIS: Sorry about the mess.

I didn't know I was having

company.

Hola, Tia.

This is my friend Russ and our

new little doggie.

(puppy barking)

>> TIA: Oh.

(exclaims)

(speaks Spanish)

(distant siren wailing)

>> ISIS: So you want to watch

TV?

>> RUSS: Uh, I-I have a TV at

home, so...

think I'm probably good...

with that.

Love all the shelving.

Okay.

Wow, this is soft, huh?

>> ISIS: Yeah.

(soft laugh)

>> RUSS: Uh... (short laugh)

(Isis breathing heavily)

(phone chiming)

>> RUSS: I got to take this.

>> ISIS: What?

(puppy whining)

(TV playing indistinctly)

>> RUSS: What's up?

Uh, no, I'm just out right now.

>> LINA: Where are you?

>> RUSS: I'm just, uh, running

some errands.

>> LINA: Bullshit.

What errands are you running?

I run every errand in this

house.

You need to get home.

>> RUSS (sighs): Fine.

>> LINA: When?

>> RUSS: I don't know-- like, 20

minutes.

Okay, bye.

(phone beeps off)

Look, I... I got to go.

>> ISIS: You gonna come back?

>> RUSS: You know, I...

I don't think it's a good idea.

Yeah, I f-feel like I could be

back in an hour.

(Isis giggles)

>> ISIS: Can you pick up some

food for Charlie?

Maybe a chew toy.

>> RUSS: A chew toy.

>> RUSS: What is the emergency?

>> LINA: Norman died.

The fish.

>> RUSS: Oh.

Right.

>> MAYA: I put too much food in

his bowl.

>> RUSS: Aw, sweetie.

We all make mistakes.

>> MAYA: You need to put a suit

on.

>> RUSS: Why?

>> MAYA: For the funeral.

>> ELLA: He was just a fish.

>> MAYA: He was my friend.

>> LINA: Girls, go in the

backyard; I want to talk to

Daddy for a minute.

Daddy?

>> RUSS: Look, I'm sorry I

killed the fish.

>> LINA: Why did you borrow $400

from Bernie?

>> RUSS: What are you talking

about?

>> LINA: Oh, please.

>> RUSS: I didn't...

>> LINA: No, yeah, you did.

Cindy called and said that you

told Bernie to meet you with

$400.

>> RUSS: That's... I...

Oh, right, okay.

>> LINA: Yeah, mm-hmm.

>> RUSS: I remember that now.

Okay.

That was...

>> LINA: I know that I told you

that you can do whatever you

want, but can you please be

discreet and not borrow whore

money from our friends?

>> RUSS: I didn't get a whore.

>> LINA: Oh, really-- then what

was the $400 for?

>> RUSS: It was...

I can't tell you that.

It's-It's a... surprise.

>> LINA: Well, that surprise

better not be AIDS.

>> RUSS: Herpes?

(laughs quietly)

>> LINA: You already gave me

that.

>> RUSS (laughing): No, I

did not.

Oh, I get it.

Does it turn you on that I may

have had sex with someone else?

>> LINA: I thought you said you

didn't.

>> RUSS: I didn't.

But if it turns you on that I

did, then I did.

>> LINA: Just get dressed,

weirdo.

>> RUSS: Come on.

(phone line ringing)

>> BERNIE: Hello, caller.

Please leave a message and

someone will get back to you.

(beeps)

>> RUSS: Hey, dick, it's me.

Yeah, um, just calling to say

thanks again, you know, for

opening your big mouth.

I'm trying to...

save my marriage, here.

>> MAYA: Norman was a great

friend.

He was also family.

He was the only one I could talk

to.

And you always understood me.

You were a great fish.

>> LINA: You make cute kids.

>> RUSS: So do you.

>> LINA: Except for this one.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

Whose kid is this?

>> LINA: I don't know.

>> RUSS: Whose kid is this?

>> LINA: She lives next door.

>> RUSS: Do we know you?

Do we know you?

>> RUSS: We were just in the

backyard having a funeral, you

know, for Norman.

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> RUSS: And I thought, like,

what the f... hell am I doing?

>> AJ: Are-are you going to see

this girl again or are you not?

>> RUSS: It's complicated.

I-I don't know.

I have to get her dog food.

>> AJ: You're making her eat dog

food. Okay.

>> JESS: Why are you buying her

dog food?

>> RUSS: Because I may have

bought her a dog.

>> JESS: Oh.

>> AJ (laughing): Oh!

You idiot!

That's so stupid.

Why would you do that?

>> JESS: How does that happen?

>> RUSS: Because you told me to

get my ears waxed.

>> JESS: Yeah, I did.

I asked you to get your ears

waxed.

That does not mean that you

should get a dog.

>> RUSS: I know.

I'm an idiot, okay?

This is exactly why I can't have

a mistress. I need your help.

>> JESS: No, no, no, no.

You don't need help.

It's not complicated.

It's simple.

Just don't go back there.

>> RUSS: I promised this woman

dog food.

>> JESS: Just trust me.

Don't go back there.

>> RUSS: You're right.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm not gonna bring her the dog

food.

I'm over the mistress thing.

It's done.

(loud music playing inside)

>> RUSS: Oh, sorry.

I think I have the wrong

apartment.

>> ANGEL: You Russ?

>> RUSS: Yes.

>> ANGEL: You got the right

place.

Hold up.

Isis wants you to take care of

this little guy.

(puppy whining)

>> RUSS: Uh, where is she?

>> ANGEL: Hospital.

Tia was having chest pains.

>> RUSS: Is sh-she okay?

>> ANGEL: I don't know, man.

She's old.

Messed-up shit happens all the

time; we ain't got no control

over it.

Something messed up could happen

to you right now.

>> RUSS: Is something messed up

about to happen?

>> ANGEL: No, man.

I got no claim anymore.

Just doing a favor for the ex.

Here.

His name's Charlie, right?

(puppy whining)

>> RUSS: Yeah, I-I, uh...

I definitely...

>> ANGEL: She told you that was

what we were gonna name our

little man?

>> RUSS: I wanted to go with

Hercules.

>> ANGEL: It's all good.

I mean, it isn't.

But it has to be, right?

That's the world.

>> RUSS: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's... it is the world.

It's definitely the world.

>> ANGEL: Take good care of him.

(distant siren wailing)

(helicopter blades whirring)

(door closes)

(puppy whining)

>> LINA: Where have you been?

>> RUSS: You told me to be

discreet.

So, I was being discreet.

(short laugh)

Messing with you.

I'm not...

>> LINA: You suck.

You want to watch a movie

with me?

>> RUSS: Vampires or...?

>> LINA: No.

Werewolves.

>> RUSS: Oh.

Even better.

>> MAYA: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Daddy got us a dog!

Daddy got us a dog!

>> LINA: Where did you get that?

>> MAYA: It was in Daddy's car.

>> LINA: Daddy bought a dog

without talking to Mommy?

>> RUSS: Uh, we can... we can

return it.

I can... I can easily give it

back.

>> LINA: We're not returning

our dog.

>> RUSS: No. Good. That's...

Of course not.

We shouldn't return our dog.

(girls cooing, clamoring)

>> LINA: You're gonna need a

name, aren't you?

(excited chattering)

>> MAYA: Thank you, Daddy!

(phone chiming)

(Lina sighs)

(chiming continues)

Hey, buddy.

(puppy whining)

(siren wailing)

(knocks softly)

>> ISIS: Russ.

>> RUSS: Hey.

How is she?

>> ISIS: She had a little heart

attack.

But it's okay.

She has a lot of heart attacks.

>> RUSS: Aw.

>> ISIS: Who's with Charlie?

>> RUSS: Um...

I think you should s-sit down.

>> ISIS: What?

>> RUSS: He ran into the street.

Yeah.

It was a truck, you know?

So, he... he didn't suffer.

>> ISIS: W-Wait.

He's-he's gone?

I... no.

>> RUSS: Yeah.

I tried to stop the bleeding,

but it was...

so profuse.

>> ISIS: Charlie is dead?!

>> TIA: Huh?

>> ISIS: He's dead again!

God took him away from me again!

(Tia speaking Spanish)

>> RUSS: Uh...

just text or...

I know a great tapas place.

Just throwing it out there.

(Isis and Tia crying)

>> AJ: Wow.

>> JESS: Whoa!

>> AJ: Yeah.

The grandma in the background.

It makes it hotter.

>> JESS: Yeah.

>> AJ: I don't know...

>> JESS: Is it really over

between you guys?

>> RUSS: Yeah. I think so.

She said that every time she

sees me, she thinks of Charlie.

>> AJ: Mm.

The baby or the dog?

>> JESS: Mm.

>> RUSS: Dog, I think.

>> AJ: Ah, that's...

>> JESS: That's less sad.

>> AJ: Yeah, it's better.

>> RUSS: You guys want another

round?

>> JESS: Mm-mm.

I can't, I got to stop.

Tonight is the night that I lay

out Greg's pills for the week.

So, that's part of my life.

>> AJ: I wish I had somebody to

lay out my pills.

I don't even know what I'm

taking.

(puppy whining)

>> RUSS: Hey.

(grunts)

Hey, does this feel weird

to you?

>> LINA: I'm not touching your

penis.

>> RUSS: How did you know...?

>> LINA: Seriously?

>> RUSS: You're good.

>> LINA: The puppy's right here.