Original subtitles

How is everybody feeling?

Here's our bride and groom!

So, how did you two meet?

Well, it was love at first sight.

Yeah, she was, uh...

She was on this bridge,

and it was raining,

and she was on this bicycle--

That's not how it happened.

He just shows up at this company party out of the blue

like everything was just peachy,

and he was completely not invited.

-No, I was invited. -No, you weren't.

I think I was invited.

Anyway, he got plastered.

He started dancing with all the interns--

Hey, Leila, could you give me some pauses, more pauses?

Oh, sure. Sorry. It's Leah.

Oh, I'm sorry, Leah. You can keep going,

but just remember pauses and look at your husband.

The point of the story is that, um...

at the end of the night, I was--

You were jealous.

Ha ha ha. I was annoyed.

Dynamite.

Leah, could you turn out a bit?

Mm-hmm. Still looking at him?

Yes, and we want to see...

this neck.

Oh, so you two work together?

Mm-hmm.

Well, nah. She, uh...

She works for me.

Actually, no. Shane is a writer,

and I work for Block Press.

I work in publishing.

Actually, we're just about to publish

Shane's first novel.

Congrats. Shane.

What's that?

What's your book about?

Just stories from my childhood.

Well, it's more than that. It's a father-son story.

It's really special.

And we just found out we're gonna have a preview

in "American Literary Critique."

That's very cool. Sounds official.

Yeah. You know, it's a little more

of an industry publication,

but have you heard of "Undocumented,"

by Santiago Sabasalen?

Yeah, that sounds familiar.

Yeah. No, he's big-time.

Yeah, yeah. All the ladies love him.

Please stop.

Well, no, baby, it's true.

Santiago's got it. He's got the sauce--

The point is that he started in that magazine,

and now he's a "New York Times" best-seller.

Are you jealous?

Shanerique don't get jealous, baby girl.

Uh, yes, keep going.

We can use this.

Shane, you are literally on fire.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Hey, Garry, can I just cut in for a second?

Oh. Oh, just got another good candid.

Here. Put this somewhere safe.

Put it with the other presents.

It's money. Here. I wrote down the names

and the amounts for the thank-you letters.

They really should be out by the end of next week.

Okay. Thank you.

Remember to thank her for the wedding.

Make sure we get something composed, please.

Understood.

Something... calm.

Okay. Understood.

Okay, now we're gonna try something completely different.

Um... remember, I want serious.

Hey, um... is it all right

if we could just take a quick break?

Let's just get it over with.

Can I just get a minute, please? Goddamn.

Shane!

Leah.

Babe.

Come on. I want to get on the road.

Sure. Everything all right?

Just give it a minute.

Did you give him the card?

Well, did he read it?

How could you fucking even ask me that?

All right? I mean, stop pressuring me.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What?

This fucking waiter. Can we go, please?

Well, the car's still got to warm up.

My god. I just spent the last half-hour

listening to this guy tell me about the nuance

of walk-in cooler organization.

Don't ask him any questions,

or he'll literally never stop talking.

What year is she?

I'm sorry, man?

What year is the car?

It's a... It's a '78.

Ha ha. Wow.

And she's still running, huh?

Yeah.

Wow. You know, it's not my favorite.

Yeah, see, they really had it right in the fifties.

Right, yeah.

Shane, we should probably hit the road, right?

I'm sure Leah already talked to you

about the whole mixup with the cake topper.

I just wanted to come over

and personally apologize

on behalf of Crystal Views.

That's free of charge, of course.

Uh... thanks. Yeah.

Wait. But, you know, as I said before,

it's really not that big of a deal.

We weren't even planning to keep it in the first place.

It's just I turned by back for one minute,

and the whole place just goes kaput.

See, we got this new guy working for us,

this Latino fella.

He's a real sweetheart of a guy,

but he just doesn't grasp the understanding

of some of the more basic--

John, you left the fucking walk-in open.

What's going on?

Well, I'm just airing it out a little.

I'm sure it's fine now.

You can close it.

This guy...

thinks he's the boss of everyone.

Middle management. You know what I mean?

From Uncle Leo.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Castillo,

"I hope you find this present welcome

"in your future life together.

The light of the Lord shining down on you both..."

"I wish you nothing but the very best."

This is coming from the man

who was groping all my friends at the wedding.

All right. Let's see here.

Oh, this is a big one.

Oh, my god. Ha ha ha!

Look, Shane. It's a chip'n'dip.

"One of Regal's tastiest designs.

"The look is truly elegant.

"Crystal-clear beauty forms a lasting bond

"with functional utility, sure to help make any party

become a gala occasion."

You always need a chip'n'dip

if you want to get the party started.

Don't you mean the gala?

If you want to get the gala started,

you need a fucking chip'n'dip.

I can't believe I let my mother

talk me into this wedding.

We should have eloped.

What?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.

What's the clue?

I don't need your help.

Wait. What are you doing?

Got to take a piss.

Hey, Shane, amigo. It's your father.

I'm just calling.

Look, I have the... How do you say?

The cylinder for the car.

We can fix it up,

and I could come to the city, go out to a nice restaurant.

But I'll be better, okay?

And, uh... listen, congratulations on the wedding.

It's okay. No bad feelings.

You know, I'm really happy for you and...

"We need to talk about last night."

Okay, we have to go in through the basement.

Jesus, look at all these fucking e-mails.

Should be a key over here.

It's just right under there.

Oh, I swear to God.

If this is about work, I'm gonna...

Hello. Hi.

Yeah, we just got here. Uh-huh.

What? Wait. I can't hear you.

Caroline? Oh, hi. Yeah. What about the bedroom?

Yeah. Are you kidding me?

No, this house, it's unbelievable,

perfect for a honeymoon.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, I totally agree.

Hey, you.

Hey.

So, we got the interview.

You okay?

Yeah. I, uh...

I just feel like a piece of shit, you know.

What? Why? What's the matter?

I don't know. I just...

I feel like we're about to put

my dad's shit out into the world, you know.

Well, like, I... I don't know. I just...

We're just, like, too embarrassed

to invite him to our own wedding, and...

No, it's not that we were embarrassed.

It would have been too stressful.

I mean, we talked about that, right?

Yeah, right.

Hey, you want to make a plan

and get everyone together soon?

No, that's... that's not what...

That's not what I'm saying.

Look, I don't want to publish a book.

Hey.

Look at me.

You wrote something honest about yourself,

and you should be so proud of that.

You're nervous. You know, you've been

working on this thing for five years,

and now it's finally gonna come out.

That's so much pressure.

But, hey, hey.

Don't worry. Everybody loves the book.

That's not what this is about.

Are you even listening to me?

I mean, do you understand

that we signed a contract, we made a commitment?

So, let's get out of it.

Are you serious?

Okay. What about the advance?

Will we just pay that back?

What, all fucking $5,000 of it?

Do you understand the position

that we're in right now, Shane?

I mean, the executive editor

literally opened her home to us,

and she's getting us all this press,

and you just want to...

I mean, I understand that you're having

feelings about this,

and that is normal, and that is okay.

But this... this is not the way forward.

Okay.

Okay what?

Just a normal okay. Like, okay.

I got it!

"I really appreciate...

this opportunity to..."

"Thank you for..."

Shane?

Word on the street is

you got wifed up by some new cat.

I see he's able to give you

that five-car garage you always wanted.

Let me ask you something, baby.

Does he fly you and your friends

out to Puerto Rico?

I don't care about all that.

Oh, you don't care about all that.

So, what do you care about?

That's none of your business.

Why are you so tense, mama?

Should we toast?

To what?

To you and your husband.

May he know just how truly fortunate he is

to have this bad little queen by his side.

We can have some real--

You know how to open this thing?

Yeah.

Oh! Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

I have to clean that up.

Sorry, sweetie.

A little bit of a mess ain't gonna hurt nobody.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my god.

Hmm. Mmm.

So, where's this motherfucker at?

Um... I don't know, man. He ran out on me.

No word?

Shit. Hush now.

Let Shanerique ease the pain.

Not another word, honey. Hush.

No, no. Stop.

I said hush.

I shouldn't.

Baby, listen, your body's talking.

Where are you going, sweetie?

To the bedroom.

Oh, yeah? What happens in there?

That's for my husband to find out.

Where do they find this shit?

Oh, goddamn it.

This thing is so fucking annoying.

Do you need any help in there?

No. Go away.

Okay. You can come in now.

What you got under there?

It looks so stupid.

Can I, uh... can I take a look?

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me see. Let me see.

Wait. Close the curtain.

What are you laughing at?

Take your shirt off.

Let me see.

Happy?

Well, your husband is one lucky man.

Stop talking.

"Violet Liquor."

Shane?

There's a car in the driveway.

What do you mean?

That there's a car in the driveway.

I don't see anything.

You sure you saw something?

Yes. I saw fucking headlights.

Where are you going?

There's got to be a light out there.

What do we do?

I don't know. Answer it?

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, hey, guys! John.

John Spinelli from Crystal Views.

We've located the cake.

Turns out it was all just a big misunderstanding.

You see, I had explained to Mateo,

I explained to the man the protocol,

that you put the cake in the freezer on the top shelf.

Poor bastard put it in the fridge.

How did you get the address?

Uh... the what?

The address.

Oh, uh, Uncle Leo

signed us up on the Facebook page.

Listen, we should probably pop this baby into the freezer,

you know, to preserve the integrity of the cake.

So...

I can't even tell you how relieved I was

when I saw that cake just sitting on that shelf there.

It was like a vision.

Uh... Shane, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Got a little something for you, too, my man.

It fell off the truck, if you know what I mean.

Um... thanks.

Oh, my pleasure, Shane. Listen, pal.

You don't happen to have a lavatory

I could borrow, do you?

I've been holding it in quite a while,

these long, winding roads, you know, plenty.

Um...

Yeah, yeah. It's to the right.

Ah, God bless you, pal. Ha ha ha.

No, no. To the right.

Ah.

That guy's weird, right?

Yeah, no shit.

This guy's on the spectrum or something, right?

I mean, who just shows up

at someone's house at 9:00 at night?

Is that not just weird?

What was that shit about Uncle Leo

inviting "us" to the Facebook page?

Who's "us"?

Maybe he's just gonna take a quick piss, okay,

and then he's just gonna leave.

Uncle Leo. What a fucking jackass.

Ah.

Wow.

Boy, oh, boy. This... this house is really...

architectural.

Oh, wow. Now, look at that.

Look at that.

That is interesting.

Wow.

Look at this.

Now, that is interesting. Huh.

Tell me something-- is this piece

from the, uh... impressionists era?

Expressionists.

That's an abstract expressionist painting.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, that, uh...

that makes sense.

Hmm. You know, I once worked an event at the Met.

It was very exclusive, very V.I.P.

I mean, the bar was literally stationed

right in front of the Von Gogh.

I mean, can you believe that?

I mean, that thing is worth a fortune.

I'm just standing there like this.

You know, but I'll tell you something.

To people like that, money is no object.

Yeah, if you're positioned correctly,

the arts can be extremely lucrative.

Right. Well, John,

thank you so much for coming by--

No, hey, listen, Leah. I'm just happy everything

was squared away with the cake.

Speaking of which,

Shane-O, what do you say we crack open that bottle, huh?

Just the boys. Come on.

Well, John, um... you know, John,

as much as I would love to,

I really shouldn't.

Oh, come on, pal. I assure you

it's a much finer bottle than that garbage

you were swilling down last night.

You know, it's aged in some of the finest oak

Tennessee has to offer.

Come on. What do you say? Let's have a taste.

Um... I'm just trying to take it easy.

That's all.

I had a lot to drink last night, and...

Ah, well, of course.

But, uh, yeah, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

I mean, weddings can be a lot of stress on a couple.

I see it all the time.

Yeah. John, again, thank you so much for stopping by.

Shane and I--

Actually-- Sorry.

Could I have a glass of water, please?

Sure. Yeah. You sure I can't get you anything else?

Maybe a sandwich?

No. I ate earlier, but that's very sweet of you to offer.

Okay.

Oh, please, don't touch that.

Oh. Sorry. Sorry. My bad.

You caught me. It's just...

such a beautiful piece, you know.

It really just sucks you in, doesn't it? Ha.

Ah. Agua. Thank you. Cheers.

Yeah. No, I bet you could just...

sit here all day.

Just take that in, huh?

Mmm. That's something.

So, you know, Shane, I had-- Oh, sorry, Leah. Sorry.

So sorry.

I had a chance to read that little excerpt

that you had printed in that article in that magazine.

Okay. Cool.

Yeah, and I thought it was very, uh... very trendy.

And I don't mean that in a negative way.

What do you mean?

Well, just that... No. Wait. What do you mean?

What do you mean "trendy"?

Oh, well, just that it was very "of the times," you know.

It's what people are talking about nowadays.

Yeah, I thought it was very, uh...

very authentic.

Authentic? Wow.

You know, and I don't mean that in any disrespectful way.

No. Look. Hey. No.

My father was the son of an immigrant, too.

It's true. New York City police officers actually.

Yeah, well, they both were,

real, uh... real tough guys.

You know, it's funny. I remember my grandfather,

he had these hands, right?

He had these massive mitts,

and he would sit me on his lap--

John, you know, it is getting quite late.

So, I think it's time for you to go.

Oh, dear. No. Look. Please.

I am so sorry about the hour.

It's just I thought, you know, resolving everything tonight

with the cake would just help everybody sleep

just a little bit cozier, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, except for the fact that I told you this morning

I never wanted the cake in the first place.

So, maybe you should have listened.

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, man, it's like she just said, you know,

it's just really late, is all.

But, look, I really do...

Here. I really do appreciate it.

Ha ha.

Ah...

You know, I'm not just a waiter.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a waiter,

but that's not all that I am.

I'm actually, uh... something of an artist myself.

I'm an inventor and an entrepreneur

with a groundbreaking product.

People are just going wild for it.

All right, that's really cool, man.

It's more than just cool, man.

I mean it. This thing will knock your socks off.

This product I am working on

is about to revolutionize the dining experience.

I bet you two would get a real kick out of it.

Hey. You know what?

Why don't I stop jabbering about it

and just show you the damn thing? Ha ha!

No, no, no, no. It's not a good time.

Oh, it won't take two minutes.

What the fuck?

All right, I'll... I'll take care of it.

Yo, John, let me talk to you for a second.

I think you're really gonna love this, pal,

a guy like you, a house like this.

Ha. Very exciting news, baby.

See, I was talking with Shane and his wife.

Did you talk to them? Did you get the fucking money?

Can we just not worry about that right now, please?

The point is, they both seemed real interested

in our little project.

He didn't exactly mind that bottle either.

Look, John, you're gonna need to leave now.

No, no, no. We are not doing this.

You understand me?

Rose. Rose, can you just calm down here, please?

Rose?

Back on track, baby.

Now, Shane, would you mind just putting your hand here

on the bottom... the bottom rung, please?

John. John, get down from there right now! Get down!

I am not responding to that tone.

Hey, look, look. I don't know

exactly what's going on here,

but you two need to leave right now.

You remember me from last night?

The bartender, at your wedding.

What are you talking about?

Remember me? Remember this face?

Here, Rose. We are not talking

about any of that nastiness any more, okay?

Hey, Rose, we are not talking about any of that, okay?

We are running a clean operation from here on out.

Now, listen here, Shane. Here's the deal.

25,000!

Would you let me take the reins on this thing?

Well, we've got this little dog-and-pony show

we're gonna show you. I think you're gonna love it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, no. Look, look, look.

You two are leaving right now, okay?

So, that's it. That's it.

No, no, no. That's it. Have a good night.

Where the fuck are you going?

But, Shane! Come on, Shane! Be reasonable! Shane!

Come back, Shane!

What the fuck, man? Jesus Christ!

What the fuck is going on?

What happened? Who the hell is that woman?

And why did he take off his pants?

Yeah. I don't know.

Well, what the fuck did they say to you?

Well, John and I, we were outside talking, and he just...

he seemed really excited to show me this thing.

Why are you acting so weird?

Knock, knock.

Anybody home?

Hey, man, look. I was just telling Leah...

So, Shane, is it cool if we set up in here?

I absolutely love this space!

Set up?

For the presentation.

What are you doing?

Didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell you?

Look at this place. It's money.

No, no, no. Um, no. I don't know

if Shane made this clear to you,

but we are going to bed now.

But, Shane, I thought--

Well, John, it's just, you know,

um... uh...

Well, this is not gonna take very long.

Isn't that right, John?

Not at all, no.

Rosie, why don't we use this space as a backstage?

Wait a minute. Who the hell is this?

Oh, this is my wife.

Rose.

The bartender at the wedding.

Right. Okay. Hold on.

Let me just get this straight, okay?

So, the two of you came up here

to give us our missing wedding cake.

And now you want to show us

this thing you've been working on.

It's an invention.

Right. And, Shane, you think this is a good idea?

Um... um... well, you know,

they just came all the way up here,

and, you know, I...

Look, Leah, we're gonna make this

as painless as possible. I promise. I promise.

Now, can I offer you two any refreshments?

Beer, wine, sangria?

Shane, can I talk to you in here, please?

Now.

Sure. John, why don't you set up

in that corner over there and just do your thing, all right?

Thanks, pal. Tck.

What the fuck is going on out there?

Why are you letting these guys walk right over you?

I don't know.

I just don't want to be a complete asshole to this dude.

What? Are you kidding me?

I mean, he did bring us the cake, and he--

I never wanted the fucking cake!

How are you so blind to this guy?

This whole thing is obviously just a ploy

to get us to watch his fucking presentation.

Ah... All right. Then maybe it is.

But aren't you at least a little curious?

Look, if you want this fucking guy gone,

then we'll just give him his 15 minutes,

let him do his little thing,

and then he'll be... leaving.

Really? Well, if that's the way you feel,

then I have a vacuum cleaner, an engraved Bible,

and a timeshare you might be interested in.

Fuck you! I am doing this for you and your damn kid!

Don't you dare bring him into this.

You think lying about it is gonna help anything?

What Benjamin needs is not waking up

in the goddamn station wagon!

Yeah? Whose fault is that?

Can we not play the blame game here, all right?

Look, baby, I'm just asking you for this one thing.

Well, I'm not putting on a fucking dress.

Look, if we're gonna pitch the hell out of this thing,

I'm gonna need 110% from you.

You can keep my 110%.

Just get in the goddamn bathroom!

John! Uh! John!

John, open this fucking door!

Let me out!

Uh! Uh...

Oh, hey, guys. I thought I saw you in there.

We're just getting all set up out here.

Be ready in a second.

Sure I can't offer you two any refreshments

before we get started? Beer, wine, whiskey?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go have a whiskey, man.

I would love one.

A whiskey it is.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Any chance any of these overheads can be on a dimmer?

Now I want you two to take a journey together...

a journey into the future...

one year from now...

to your one-year anniversary.

It's a very special night.

And to make that night really extra-special,

what are you two gonna need?

Sensational reservations at a five-star restaurant!

Now, naturally, the food is going to be sensational.

For the lady,

we offer the figure-friendly fillet of sole oreganata.

And for the gentlemen, the queen's cut prime rib

cooked only one way, medium rare.

Bon appetit.

Now, do you think that juicy hunk of USDA Prime is enough

to ensure you two are gonna have a splendid evening?

No. Not on your life.

Everything has to work together--

the candlelight, the music, the food, the wine,

all coming together in perfect harmony

to put you two in the mood.

"For what?" you might ask.

That's the reason we're all here.

♪ Pom pa-pa pa ♪

"The Conversation."

Now... some people would argue

that you come to a restaurant for the food;

others for what comes after,

a little bingo-bongo up the Congo.

But I maintain...

that the real reason

is for the conversation.

And what is it that pulls us out of that conversation?

Huh?

Um... the waiter?

Yes! Exactly.

Absolutely correct.

Sometimes, we get in the way.

We get in the way of that conversation.

And once I figured that out, Lisa,

I knew I had to do something,

I knew I had to find the solution.

Are you finished with your meal?

Uh... yes. Yes. It was delicious.

How was yours, Shane? Was the steak juicy?

Hmm?

Yeah. It was good.

Perfect.

So, now you've wined, and you've dined,

and thanks to your pal, John,

you've had your anniversary cake, too.

But is that enough to ensure

you two are gonna have an unforgettable evening?

No, not by the length of a White Owl cigar.

Ha ha!

There is still so much left to talk about,

so much celebration to be had.

Who knows?

Maybe a certain someone has big news--

another member of the family coming along.

But what is getting in the way

of that celebration, hmm?

What is putting the kibosh on the chitcha?

Crumbs!

Now, I don't know about you,

but if there's one thing that ruins a conversation for me,

it's a mess.

And on the table between you two is exactly that.

So, what do you do?

Let's all just... let's close our eyes,

and let's just imagine what we--

Rose, the lights. What are you doing?

Just give us a second.

Close our eyes and imagine...

He's got a gun.

What?

A gun.

Don't embarrass us again.

Ha ha ha. Sorry about that.

A little technical issue. So, where were we?

Um... Oh, no. Right. Yes.

How to imagine the perfect solution.

So, let's do that, shall we?

Shall we just close our eyes

and imagine the perfect solution?

Okay, roll down those curtains.

No peeking. Ha.

You stand.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present the Crumb Catcher?

It's a conversation piece.

You see--

There's no... there's no need for that pesky waiter

to keep interrupting your conversation.

You can just sweep all those crumbs

up in there yourself. Ha ha ha!

So, who wants to try first?

Yeah, I'll try it.

That a boy, Shane-O. Go ahead.

Sweep all those crumbs up in there.

Yeah. Ha ha ha.

Sweep them on up there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Yeah.

That's it.

So?

It's... it's nice.

Don't hog it now. Let Leah have at it, too.

Go ahead, Leah.

Give it a try.

Really get the full experience.

Go ahead, Shane. Give it to her.

That's it. Let her have it.

Go ahead. Give it to her, Shane.

Let her have the full experience.

Go ahead. Just sweep them on up in there.

That's a girl. Sweep them in.

So?

What do you think?

I mean, I think it's great.

It's really something.

Leah...

is it the design you're having issues with

or... or is it the functionality?

No, no, no. I mean...

No, I think it's great.

You're not just saying that?

You're being honest with me?

Because, I mean, I can take criticism.

I take pride in that.

So, come on, Leah. Give it to me straight.

I could really use the female perspective on this thing.

Yo, John, give me some more whiskey, man.

Certainly, Shane, but I think it's important to get

to the bottom of the issue Leah seems to be having.

Come on now, Leah. Speak your piece.

Well, I guess I... I guess I don't understand

why the customer

would want to sweep up their own crumbs.

Hmm...

Right.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Ha ha ha. You see... Lena,

that's kind of the whole point.

I mean, who else is gonna clean it up, right?

I mean, you wouldn't want that waiter

to keep interrupting you.

Remember, you're having a wonderful--

John, can I speak with you, please?

Let's try something different. Let's have a conversation.

It's a conversation piece.

Shane...

let's start with you.

Speak with your wife. Go ahead. Tell her--

Tell her what's on your mind,

anything at all.

The point is to communicate with the woman you love.

John--

In a minute, Rose!

Go ahead.

Tell her what's in your heart.

Go ahead.

Um...

That's it.

Uh...

I, um...

Thank you so much for bringing me

to this wonderful restaurant, Shane.

This has been such a special night.

I feel so happy right now.

Uh-huh.

I, um...

I'm... I'm... I'm happy, too.

And you're welcome.

Why don't we give them a minute alone

and let them finish their conversation?

John.

Leah, sure we can't offer you anything else?

A splash of Chardonnay perhaps?

No. I'm fine.

Okay. Well, you just let us know if you change your mind.

Would it kill you to support me?

I do support you.

Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.

Well, you look like an idiot.

What are you talking about?

It's going great in there.

Are you out of your mind? Clearly it's not going great.

Rose, would you just stop?

See, this is your problem.

You only focus on the negative.

On a scale from one to ten,

how interested are you in financing our project?

Ten means your interested. One means you're not.

It's a scale.

What Rosie means to say

is that we would love to show you our business plan.

The first point of attack

is to create demand, and to do that,

we're gonna install these babies

in all the high-end restaurants,

you know, real five-star establishments.

Yeah, and I'm thinking we're gonna need

about $50,000 to get started.

I know that number Rosie just spit out may sound like a lot,

and it is, but, you know, you need to understand

a thing or two about the manufacturing business.

And just to be clear, we're working

on a really tight deadline here, right, John?

No, this is true.

You see, the manufacturing business,

or the company we plan to use is very high-end

and very much in demand.

So, they're gonna need our order in by the end of next week

in order to secure our spot for the fall.

Yeah, great. So, then, why don't you

just let us look over all this,

and then we're gonna get right back to you.

All right?

Oh, fantastic. The number on the back

will put you in touch with my secretary.

And just to keep things moving along, we'll take a check.

Whoa, Rosie. What's the hurry?

Come on. What, is tomorrow a holiday?

Speaking of tomorrow, it's getting late.

So, we should probably wrap this up.

But Shane and I are both really excited

about the opportunity.

And so are we, Elaine.

Just over the moon with excitement.

Do I look stupid to you?

Excuse me?

Did I stutter?

My apology. Don't mind Rosie here.

She just came off a really long, hard shaft-- shift.

Shift. Ha ha.

Yeah, and I'm thinking that I should tell her about it.

No, no, Rose.

Why bore them with the details?

We'll just be on our way. All right?

Help me out with this,

and we'll be out that door.

Just get all these materials packed up, shall we?

That guy just brought a gun

into our house and threatened us!

Leah, people carry guns all the time.

It's not that big of a deal.

Not that big of a deal?

Why are you excusing everything that they do?

I don't know.

Maybe because he's, like, on the spectrum,

like you said before,

and he just doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

No, he knows exactly what he's doing.

Jesus Christ, why aren't they leaving?

They're probably just warming up the car.

Not everybody needs to warm up the car, Shane.

Hey, can we just relax, please?

There's no point in being angry, okay?

They're gone.

Except for the fact that they're not gone

because they're still in the fucking driveway.

If they're not gone in 30 seconds,

I'm calling the police.

Where are you going? Don't leave me here.

I'll be right back.

"You need to leave

if this is gonna work."

"I will take care of you.

Just need more time."

Oh, thank God.

They're leaving.

You want a drink?

How are you so easy about all of this?

I'm not easy about any of it.

I'm just exhausted.

Shane, that guy, he thinks we're gonna bankroll

his whole ridiculous...

whatever the fuck this thing was.

Did you look at this shit?

"The death of the middle class

"is a disgrace to this great nation,

"a nation of working-class heroes.

"We will bring the fight to the table.

Pick up the brush and take matters into your own hands."

Shane, he's insane.

We have to call the police.

Look, Leah...

it's been a really long night.

All right? Can we just give this shit a rest for now,

and we'll talk about it tomorrow morning?

Shane, they could come back here at any second!

If you don't call the police right now,

then I will.

What are you doing?

Looking up the number

for the county sheriff's office.

Baby.

Baby, come here. Come here.

Baby, come on.

Can you stop?

What?

Why are you downplaying all of this?

I'm not downplaying shit.

I just don't know what you expect to happen right now.

Like, what? You gonna call Sheriff Bill Bob

and tell him that some weirdo with a sweeping machine came

and brought us our wedding cake

and a nice bottle of whiskey?

Come on.

Look, I know this is all my fault, all right?

And I should never have let those people inside the house.

And I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to do with that?

I don't know.

I'm just saying that I'm sorry.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Then can you stop?

So, um, what do you want to do tomorrow?

I am so sick of this shit.

When do I get a choice in any of this?

Mmm. Actually...

No, I do have a choice.

I can either choose to get angry,

or I can choose to not care.

But at the end of the day,

I'm still cleaning up your fucking mess.

That's not true.

No? You ever thank my mother for the wedding?

Exactly.

I'll text them tomorrow.

Huh.

How do you think it makes me feel

to have to clean up for you in every aspect of our lives?

It's so exhausting.

Look, Leah...

I'm gonna thank your parents

for the wedding, all right?

I'm gonna give them a call

first thing tomorrow morning.

Wow. A phone call.

That's really big of you, Shane.

What do you want from me?

I want you to give a shit about anything, Shane!

We've been working on this book for five years,

and suddenly, just without a second thought...

All right! All right!

Enough about the fucking book!

No, no, no, Shane. I want to talk about this.

Why? It has nothing to do with you.

Nothing to do--

What are you talking about, Shane?

Shane, we're married! We're fucking partners!

That book has just as much to do with me

as it does with you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

What part of that book

has anything to do with you?

Do you have any idea

how this would make me look at work, Shane?

I would look like a complete fucking idiot.

I fought for you since day one,

and now, like, we're having the littlest bit of success,

and you're just gonna pull out?

Right, because all they care about

is success and the interview

and the fucking write-up

and just all that bullshit.

Yes, because that is literally my fucking job,

and I happen to be very good at it, Shane.

So, if you don't mind, why don't you

get the fuck out of my way?

All right, I'll fucking get out.

Can we please finish talking about this?

Can you get out, please?

Shane, I'm not just gonna sit here

and watch you destroy everything that we've built.

I don't want any of it, all right?

It's all bullshit. It's all fake.

What is? What are you talking about?

Just everything, everyone.

You think anybody in your little fucking book club

actually gives a fuck about me?

Yes, Shane, of course they do.

Everybody loves the book.

Would you stop saying that? They don't love the book.

They love looking down on my father

like he's some fucking specimen.

Stop being so paranoid, Shane.

Nobody feels that way, okay?

Then why didn't you invite him to the wedding?

Shane--

What do you want? You want me to write you

another fucking book or something,

or could I go get drunk now?

Go away, Leah! Get the fuck out!

Okay.

Hey. How's it going in there?

Great.

Good. Good.

So, then, uh... you two enjoyed it?

The presentation, I mean.

Yeah.

Of course you did. You know,

it really is an incredible opportunity.

An idea like this doesn't come around very often.

I can assure you of that.

So, listen, pal,

there's been a little bit...

We're gonna cut you in on this thing.

I promise you that.

But there's been a little bit

of a change in direction,

a little change in plan.

You see, after speaking with Rosie,

she feels that we might need

some form of, um... collateral first,

you know, just to establish some trust

before we all become

official business partners.

Um, that all sounds really great, all right,

but right now is not a good time for all this.

Well, the thing is we're gonna need

a little something tonight, some cash.

All right. Well, I don't have anything to give you.

Oh, come on, Shane. Be reasonable.

I mean, a star like you,

a house like this, you've got to have

something lying around.

This is not my fucking house!

I don't know who you think I am,

but I'm not rich, okay?

Well... Wait. Um...

This is not your house?

No, it's not.

Irregardless, we are gonna need

something tonight, you know,

or she's gonna hit "send,"

and I don't want it to have to come to that.

I mean, this woman is crazy.

You know what they're like.

Yeah. Look, John, um...

if you want this to work, right,

between you and me, man to man--

Sure.

Then you're gonna have to give me

a little bit more time, all right, because I can't just--

Shane, Shane, Shane, say no more.

I completely understand where you're coming from.

All right. Thank you.

Okay. It's not a problem whatsoever.

So, I'll give you, like, say, 10 minutes.

Meet me down at the end of the driveway.

We are gonna make this right, pal.

I see.

So, are we just supposed to rush in there with our horns out?

Clearly, going in with all smiles isn't working.

You'd better man the fuck up, or I will!

Rose, I have conveyed the message--

What the fuck is that?

Oh, my God. Shane...

very, very good thinking.

Babe, this is an original painting

from the abstract imperialist era.

What are we running, a fucking art gallery?

Would you just--

Shane, why don't you tell her about the piece?

Go ahead.

Um...

Well, it... it's, um... it's a painting,

uh... by, um...

Santiago Sabasalen.

Yeah, he's this famous Peruvian painter.

You guys must have heard of him.

No.

Well, no, the name does sound a bit familiar.

No, it doesn't.

Well, I mean, everybody is talking about him.

He's, um... He's, uh... He's very trendy.

Actually, Leah and I, we were introduced to him

because of her boss, the lady that owns the house.

She was doing business in... in South America

at this gala.

Oh, wow. Gala. Very impressive.

Yeah. No, it is, man. I mean, you should have seen

the hotel we were staying at.

Everything was comped.

Yeah. Oh, dude, there was palm trees and parrots,

and it was paradise, man. It was so nice.

But look, look. That's not important, all right?

What is important is that this painting right here

is worth a lot of bread.

You're sitting on 10 to 15K easy.

Oh, my god, Shane.

I just got the most amazing idea.

Why don't we tag in Leah's aunt... or boss?

A hotshot like that would love the Crumb Catcher.

What did you say her name was again?

No. No!

Oh, come on, Shane. Be a team player.

Invite her to the next business meeting.

Business meeting? No, no. Look, look.

This is it. All right?

This is all that you're getting.

Just... just take the fucking thing!

Oh, wait. Whoa. Shane, Shane.

I mean, it's a pretty painting and all,

but, I mean, this can't be everything.

I mean, we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

Okay, fine, fine.

You don't want this shit, then fine. Just...

Shane, Shane-O,

I think maybe we're not communicating.

We love the painting, okay?

But this would just be to establish some form of trust

before we all focus our attention

on the Crumb Catcher

and become official business partners.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

We're not business partners!

You are extorting me.

And you know what, man?

Nobody wants that piece of shit

fucking Crumb Catcher in the first place.

Believe me when I say this--

the only reason why anybody

would ever give you a second thought

is because your wife blew them.

Okay? So, why don't you

pack up your shit, go grab your bitch,

and you get the fuck out of here!

Huh?

Hey.

Hey.

If you don't want to publish the book...

that's fine with me.

Okay?

It was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

Ha.

Understatement of the fucking year.

I can't believe I m--

I'm gonna need $10,000,

or this video spreads through your wedding party

like a fucking virus.

So, we're gonna take care of this right now.

There's a bank down the road that opens at 9:00.

No.

Excuse me?

No, we're not giving you any money.

Are you fucking with me?

No.

Your Uncle Leo invited us to the Facebook page.

Ha.

Last chance.

Don't you realize that what you're engaged in right now

is blackmail, which is a felony,

like, a multi-year sentence, orange jumpsuits?

Get the picture?

$5,000.

$5,000? I thought it was 10.

5,000! That's it!

$5,000, and that's it?

No more visits from the bozo?

No, this is it.

Okay. Are you gonna agree to that?

Hmm? Hello.

I want to hear you say it.

John?

All right! I'll agree to it!

Only I am taking the painting, too.

The painting?

The Santiago Sabasalen.

The what?

Come on. Just give us some money.

-Go get the envelope. -Wait a second.

We're talking about the painting here.

What's going on with the painting, Rose? Come on!

Okay, we're giving you 1,200 in cash tonight.

I'll give you the rest tomorrow.

But you're gonna delete that video right now,

and you're not getting any fucking paintings.

I want the painting!

Hey, come on. Just give us the money.

What is the matter with you?

The red envelope from my parents.

I gave it to you last night.

It's in your jacket.

It's gone.

What?

When I woke up, it was empty.

Oh, I see. Ha ha.

You wouldn't happen to know

anything about this, would you?

No.

What is she talking about? What envelope? Red envelope?

A few more details--

Shut the fuck up!

You've been paid.

Wait a minute. Hold on here a second.

What are you talking about, a ring? Oh, boy!

Aah!

That little bitch.

Give me that fucking phone.

Ow! My fucking nail!

Hey, Miss Princess! Elaine!

Look what I got here.

Something the whole family can enjoy.

Goddamn it, Rosie, what's the password?

Goddamn it! Aah! Aah! Get off me!

God! Fucking bitch!

Aah! Goddamn it!

Get off me!

Fuck.

Leah.

Fuck, John. What did you do to her?

Hey, baby. Hey, get up.

What the fuck did you do to her?

You fucking hurt her! Fucking asshole!

Get off me.

Let me help you.

Here. I got you. Let me see.

I'm gonna get us some help.

No, no, no! No one's calling anyone!

Aah!

Aah! Fuck!

John! John!

Leah, baby, come on. I'm gonna get you up, okay?

Okay, baby. I got you.

Get off of me. Uh!

I'm gonna get you some help, baby.

You did this to me!

Leah, I'm sorry. Leah... I'm sorry.

My eyes are burning, you fucking bitch!

John! John!

All right! All right! I got it!

Hey, call an ambulance!

No, no, no! No one's calling anyone!

Can we just relax for a second?

She started it. God, my fucking eyes!

Calm down, Rose! We're not going anywhere!

I said sit the fuck down, little lady!

Hey, hey, hey! Yo! Put that shit away!

Fucking relax!

Just sit her down and keep her talking.

All right. That's a good idea.

Yeah, I know it is because I said it.

Hey. Hey.

You fucking idiot! Put the gun away.

Look what you did.

What I did? What I did? What about what you did? Huh?

How much was in that goddamn envelope?

How are you feeling?

We need to get out of here.

How much is it?

You still getting 500 for the whole enchilada?

A lot more than you can afford.

Yeah, I wouldn't pay you two nickels,

you fucking dried-up lizard!

Yeah, pick it up, bitch! Go ahead!

You could have had-- We could have been--

But, no, you had to go now! Fuck you!

You fucking dumb bitch! This is on you!

This is all on you! Not me! You!

And I'm not letting you pull me down anymore!

John, she's gonna die if we don't do something.

Oh, darling...

Look. Hey. You two need to get

the fuck out of here right now, before you--

Before what?

Before you make a mistake that you can't come back from!

Oh, and what exactly happens

when the cops show up?

There's not gonna be any cops.

Oh, there's gonna be cops, all right,

and they're gonna want to know

what happened and how it happened.

Then I'll tell them that... I'll tell them that Leah and I

got into a really bad argument about the wedding,

and then she stormed out of the house,

and she tripped, and she hit her head,

and it was just an accident, all right?

And I took her to the hospital,

and then we'll just press delete on the whole fucking night.

Ha! "Press delete on the whole night?"

What is that, a writer thing?

So, if we leave right now, you'll forget about this?

Yes.

Hold on. Wait a second here now.

You've been Mr. Negative

about this guy the whole night.

Now, all of a sudden, you want to trust him?

What other options do we have?

We have other options.

And none of them are good. So, let's just leave right now

and they'll listen to his side of the story.

Oh, his side of the story?

And trust this little cockroach not to bury us?

Not to mention Miss Bossy Pants over here.

You heard her. She wants to throw us in jail

and lock away the kingdom!

Stop talking, you fucking idiot.

Oh, I'm the idiot?

Back the fuck up, man!

We have the video. That's what they want, right?

And we have it. That's it.

And then there's... there's a secret!

Are you finished?

No, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No way.

See, I know what's going on here, right?

I am making the plan from this point forward,

and I'm not listening to princess or the toad or you.

I am the guy calling the shots,

and there's not gonna be any secret envelopes.

There's not gonna be any cell-phone videos.

There's not gonna be any you sucking his dick!

You hear me, huh?

You got that, lover boy? I've got a plan

that you don't even know anything about, okay?

So, now this is the way the story goes.

So, you see, these two lovebirds were celebrating,

only Shane-O here was celebrating just a bit too much.

Stop! No!

Good boy. You see,

Shane here has a problem.

I'll tell you that,

and everybody at the wedding will tell you that, too.

And Leah... Leah begged him to stop,

or she said she'd leave him.

But, you see, Shane here couldn't stop

because he's a drunk, just like his old man.

Enough of this shit!

What's the matter, baby, huh?

What's the matter?Isn't this what you always wanted,

a big, tough guy? Well, here I am, lover!

Do you like that, huh? You like what you see?

Huh?

Give me that fucking bottle!

Oh. Ha ha ha.

So, if I take that shit to the head right now,

I can drive her to the hospital,

and that's the deal?

Oh, wow. That's a great idea, Shane.

Wish I had thought of it myself.

Fuck it.

Come on, now.

There you go.

A little... a little bit more, just a skosh.

Mmm. Mmm.

That a boy. Isn't that wonderful?

You see what we can do when we all just work together?

Now, the closest hospital is gonna be in Kingston.

All right? So, you're gonna follow this to 32,

and then just take the signs from there.

All right, buddy? Travel safely.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm not looking at you like anything.

Oh, yeah? Then what's that?

I'm sorry to tell you, baby, but I'm an unlovable man.

You don't know that?

No.

I'm unable to accept love.

That's so interesting.

So, it's, like, a condition, then?

You might say that.

Why don't you just go to the doctor?

They might just give you a pill to fix that right up.

Look, we've just... got to get to Kingston.

Leah! Hey! Leah, wake up!

Sit up, baby! Sit up! Come on!

Ugh.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, God!

Oh!

You just have to concentrate, baby, okay?

You just have to concentrate.

It'll be okay.

Wait. What the fuck are you doing?

Uh! Fuck! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

What? Are you fucking insane?

Oh, shit!

Jesus fucking Christ!

You okay, baby? Don't worry.

I'm gonna get us out of this.

You want to go fucking fast?

Let's go fast, motherfucker!

Slow down! Slow down! Stop!

Ah!

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Oh, shit.

Uh. Okay.

Yeah.

Hold on!

Leah, hold on! Hold on!

All right. This is good. It's good.

Okay. It's good. Okay. All right. All right.

Ah! Fuck.

Okay. All right.

This road's got to lead somewhere, babe, all right?

You okay?

Hey, stay with me. You okay?

Yeah.

Super cold.

Let me put on the heat for you.

Look. There's an opening ahead.

That's good. That's good.

Yeah.

No, no, no! Okay. Come on, car.

Come on! Come on!

Fuck! Fuck!

Hold on, baby. Hold on.

Just hold on. It's gonna be okay, all right?

Fuck!

All right. Hold on, baby. Hold on. Hold on.

Come here. Come here. Come here.

Fuck.

God. Uh! Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Go, you fuck! Fuck! Work!

Fuck. All right.

Fuck!

All right. All right.

Okay. Leah? Hey. Hey, hey.

Hey. Look. Look.

Look, we're just gonna give it a minute, okay?

We're gonna let it rest, and then...

and then we'll... we'll be fine.

And... we'll walk if we have to, Leah.

Leah? Yeah? We can walk...

walk if we have to.

Oh, my god. Please, please, please.

Please give me it.

Please, I just need this.

I need this one. Please. I just need this one.

Oh, fuck. Hold on, Leah.

Hold on. Hold on. There's somebody there.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Get an ambulance, please, for my wife!

She's hurt!

Help!

Hey, sir, are you all right?

Can I help you?

What happened here? Oh, wow.

Wow. Look at that.

What is that? An old Cutlass?

What is she, like a '77, '78?

Now, I'll tell you,

it's not my favorite. This era, I mean.

Now, see, they used to do it right

in the fif-- Oh, my god!

Are you all right, ma'am?

Are you all right in there?

Ma'am, are you all right?

Get in. Get in. Fucking asshole.

You see how this guy is acting, Rosie?

He's acting like a complete fucking lunatic.

Come here. Come on.

You want to play? Come on!

Come here, pretty boy. Come on. Here we go.

Here we go. Come on. Come on.

I mean, this guy is dangerous, Rose.

You should see what he did to his poor wife.

She's all busted up in there.

I tried to help her, and then he started coming at me

like a complete whackadoo.

I mean, you saw that, Rose, right?

I mean, these freaking people.

They're all the fucking same.

Their whole fucking macho act!

Their swinging fucking hips' and the fucking tattoos!

Where you going, huh?

Hey, where you going?

Where you going, huh? Where you going, tough guy?

Stop it, John!

No, no. This boy has this coming to him.

John!

That's right, pretty boy. Bingo, bongo, up the Congo.

Ha ha! You think that's funny?

Huh? You think that's funny, kid?

Look who's laughing now.

You gonna give me a nice tip, sir?

Will you be wanting anything else?

Are you ready for your cake?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not taking it anymore.

I am taking a fucking stand,

and I am well within my rights.

So, we're gonna put a stop to this

right here, right now!

Stay right there, okay?

I've had it with this shit!

Rose. Rose, take it easy, okay?

I mean, just put it down, okay?

Rose, come on.

Come on now, Rose!

Don't do that! Don't be stupid, all right?

I'm warning you.

That thing is worth more than your fucking life!

No!

Aah! Ah!

Aah. Ah...

Ha. Ha...

You've got to help.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

Help.

Help, please.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I...

I was never here. Okay? You got that?

You got that?

You got that? You got that?

You got that? Okay?

I was never here.

911. What's the emergency, please?

What happened?

They're gone.

What happened?

Look.

It's nothing to be worried about.

I'm worried about you, all right?

I'm so sorry.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, it's--

I'm sorry.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

Stop. Stop.

Hey.

Just be with me here right now, okay?

You know what I was thinking?

What?

I think we need to get a new car.

I want a Volvo.

Something safe.

Never gonna happen.

Yeah, I know.

I know.