Original subtitles

Barnaby Jones, a Quinn Martin production, starring Buddy Ebsen. Also

starring Lee Merriweather, Mark Schera, with guest stars Kathy

Yates, James Luisi, Tom

Bauer.

Tonight's episode, A Short Happy Life.

Anyway, this choreographer says, stand up. I said, I am standing up. Then he

puts his glasses on and he looks up at me and he says, then sit down. That's

story of my life.

These beautiful Amazons with their ostrich feathers and I look like a duck.

These shoes are never going to stretch out. Have you ever noticed they never

have half sizes on sale?

Oh,

I've been yakking your ear off all the way from Las Vegas. I'm sorry.

I'm still listening. You're going to tell me how you got the name Foxy.

Oh, I used to play shortstop on a boys' softball team, and I would fake a throw

to first and catch the runner off on second.

Besides, you would not believe the blind dates I ended up with as Florence

Alexandra.

There I go again.

Look, if you'd like to share a taxi, I promise I won't say a word, and you can

talk the whole way.

I'd love to, Foxy, but I've got some phone calls to make, some meetings to

up. Listen, you have a good time with...

What relative are you visiting?

Betty Jones.

Now, there is somebody who'd look great in ostrich feathers.

She's the second cousin on her mama's side. The Dickerson sisters married the

Dolan brothers.

I think you'd better make your phone calls already. It's going to be tomorrow

real soon. It's been a ball.

Maybe I'll see you again.

Hope so.

You're the nicest guy I ever met on a plane trip.

Bye.

South Occidental, downtown Los Angeles, okay?

Hi. Hi. Is the offer still open? Sure.

I'm irresistible, aren't I?

I don't know. Let's go.

I feel like I had two right feet and two left shoes.

Yeah, uh -huh.

Why don't you entertain me with your life story?

Listen, uh, you want to hear the rest of it? How about dinner tonight?

I thought you'd never ask.

Uh, could you arrange a dashing, sophisticated date for my cousin?

She's very classy.

I'll try.

You know, the better place is I won't let you in barefoot.

Maybe I can loosen it up a little for you.

I used to work in a shoe store when I went to school.

Here, try that.

Any better?

No.

Does this mean I'm not going to play Cinderella tonight?

You don't get out of it that easy.

Eight o 'clock?

Yeah.

Just look for Betty Jones on the mailbox.

You got a date?

Come on, don't embarrass me, Foxy. I'll get it.

Well, thanks.

Okay, it's 8 o 'clock then.

That's the van behind it.

50 bucks in your pocket if you can lose it.

I thought you might have had car trouble. Well, I did, so I sold it. You

started to growl instead of purr, so I shucked it and I took the plane.

You must be Barnaby Jones.

And you're J .R. Just exactly how I pictured you. You know, this is the

time I've ever shaken hands with a genuine, licensed detective.

From a cousin, I usually get a kiss.

I'm a genuine assistant cousin.

I love it.

We don't have to get acquainted. We can just start kissing and start talking.

Oh, these shoes.

What's the matter, hon? These new shoes. I just couldn't live without them, and

now they're going to kill me. Well, we can drop them off at my shoemaker's, Mr.

Lando. I'm sure he'll be able to stretch them or something. Luckily, he's open

on Saturdays. You know, if we knew you were coming in by plane, we would have

picked you up.

We would have been delighted.

Oh, I didn't want to make any trouble.

Besides, I was busy arranging us a date for tonight. I met an absolute... doll

of a guy on the plane.

Foxy, you shouldn't let strangers pick you up. Oh, heck, Betty, everybody's a

stranger until you get to know them.

Besides, he doesn't know it, but I picked him up.

Why don't you come along, too, J .R.? We'll make it a foursome.

Oh, wait a minute. I already asked him to get a Paul Newman for Betty. Oh,

Betty, you appear to have found a new social secretary.

Yes. I'd be pretty good at that, you know.

Well, anyway, I'm busy for tonight, but I'd like to sign up for tomorrow.

You're just being nice.

Foxy, uh...

I'd like to talk to you a little bit about Jedediah. What? No fair. No fair.

Well, if he's related to you, he's absolutely charming and gentlemanly, and

he'll mature gracefully with beautiful white hair and a crackly smile, and

tomorrow night will just be fine.

Oh, while we're out, Betty, I need to get a new blouse. There's still ketchup

all over me.

Looks like I shot myself.

There's the case for you, Barnaby. Plugged by a plugged ketchup bottle.

Much as I hate to tear us away, Jedediah and I have to get to the office to

finish a report.

And I'll be in tomorrow to finish typing it up.

Come on, Jedediah. These ladies obviously have a full day's schedule.

Don't forget tomorrow night. I couldn't forget a date named Jedediah. Could you

get a Jeremiah for Betty?

Well, first on the agenda, drop these off, Mr. Landos. I'm sure you'll be able

to stretch them. He could just possibly save my life.

I would hate to be the first person in history to die of feet strangulation.

By the way, Foxy, how have you been feeling?

Oh, now, about the blouse. Now, it doesn't have to be an original.

Do you know a place that sells copies of copies?

Well,

if you don't mind a little karate between the clinches, I know just the

Well, move out of the way, ladies, and let me at sixes.

Well, I struck up a little idle chit -chat around the pool.

Oh, good.

Well, we can both be floating face down. We don't find him.

Yeah, well, the only new arrival today was some visitor, the cousin of one

Jones. They left to go shopping about two hours ago. So we just sit here?

No. I'll go inside. You cover the back.

You know, the prettiest word in the English language to a woman. Let me get

sale. Nope, wholesale. I should have bought a dozen of these.

Have you given any more thought to settling down?

Nope, I got wandering travelitis.

Surprise.

Wow, you're early.

I couldn't remember if I told you what time, but I didn't have a number to

so... Eight o 'clock, but if you're really impetuous, you can make it seven.

Oh, this is my cousin Betty Jones. This is Arnie Richards.

How do you do? Hi, a pleasure.

I told you, classy and glamorous. Did you find somebody special for her?

Foxy. I'm working on it.

Hey, the shoes.

What happened to the shoes you were wearing?

Well, I couldn't wear them without my mascara running.

Okay, 8 o 'clock. I'll see you right here.

That is Arnie?

Yeah, he's kind of neat, don't you think?

Honey, I'm afraid he's a kook. Are you sure you want to place our fate for the

evening in his hands?

Yeah, he is kind of different, isn't he?

But, you know, I like people who are different.

Betty, you have to do at least one thing different every day or you tend to get

stereostriped.

Stereostriped? Yeah, you know what I mean. Live a little.

It looks like your Mr. Arnie is not going to show up.

Don't be so negatory.

Foxy, it's way after 8.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take us both out to a nice, quiet dinner in a nice, quiet restaurant where

we can meditate on the fickleness of strangers.

That'll just get you old maid's rash.

Now think positive.

Watch.

What are you doing?

I'm going to make the doorbell ring.

Whoops, I got my wires crossed.

Hello, if this is an obscene phone call, speak your piece and then send over two

large pizzas because we're starving here.

Foxy, Arnie, I'm sorry I've been held up.

Uh, apology accepted. What is your new ETA?

Can you do me a big favor?

I already did you a big favor. I ate two crackers and peanut butter to keep from

bankrupturing you at dinner. I'm running a little late.

So could you and your cousin meet us at Robert's? Your cousin will know. You did

say you were an us, didn't you?

Trust me.

Half an hour?

You got it. See you there, Mansoor.

Everything's going to be just hunky -dory.

Okay,

Mr. Lucas.

I've told you where it is.

I set it up for you. They're all yours.

Just let me out of here.

No, Arnie, come on now. You know I can't do that. You know the rules.

And I'm sorry because I like you.

But you know what happens to people who steal from me.

Please, Mr. Lucas.

Come on, Conno.

For God's sake.

May I help you? Mr. Rich's table, please. The reinforcements have arrived.

Right this way, please.

Oh, excuse me. I think there's been a mistake.

No, wait a minute.

Did Arnie recruit you for tonight?

Yes. And now I'm suddenly delighted that I didn't refuse.

That's because you're staring at my cousin Betty Jones.

She's from the beautiful family.

Carl Lucas.

I can't imagine what's happened to Arnie.

Won't you both sit down?

Looks like there's enough of you to go around. So, Betty, why don't you sit

there? Thank you. And I'll sit right here.

Isn't that the most devastational perfume she's wearing?

For heaven's sake, Foxy.

She's quite right, you know.

I'm Foxy Dolan.

How do you do?

I'm afraid you're going to have to forget Foxy. You see, Foxy is from the

outspoken side of the family. She always says exactly what's on her mind.

Good. Now, if you'll both call me Carl.

Listen, why don't we make that the rule of the evening?

Terrific. Now it's your turn, Betty. Go right by the rules and tell us exactly

what's on your mind.

There's nothing on my mind.

No dodging. What are you thinking?

Those are the rules.

All right.

I was wondering why I was so afraid to come here when now I'm so glad I did.

Well, no one's going to top that piece this evening, so why don't we drink to

that?

I hope you don't mind I ordered some wine.

Oh, great. You know, I found that a little bit of wine helps me overcome my

sinus completely.

Well, here's to new friends and to the good fortune that brought it together.

Where is Arnie?

Oh, I, uh... I called him at the hotel twice. As a matter of fact, no answer.

You know, I think I'd better call him again, just to make sure.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

It's okay. No problem.

Terribly sorry. You should get some water on it. Oh, well, would you look at

that? Two -tone shoes.

You want to go to the ladies' room?

No, you know, I tie -dyed jeans once, and they never even came out this good.

I'm so sorry, Foxy. Listen, I have a French cleaner who can get that out when

take you home tonight.

Look, the only damage that was done was to a good glass of wine.

Never cry over spilled wine.

Now, to a great evening on the town in tie -dyed shoes.

You mean you don't want to go home?

Wild horses couldn't drag me out of here.

That's probably the most expensive bottle of wine I have ever bathed in.

I'm very impressed.

I'll drink to that.

May the next bottle be kinder to us all.

Excuse

me,

I'll be right back.

Oh, you know, I think that last dance really took me away.

Did you have fun?

Since I can't remember, did I have so much fun?

I really mixed that up, didn't I? Mm -hmm.

I had a very enjoyable time.

So did I.

Here. You really don't have to do this, you know. I insist.

Well, if it makes you feel better.

I'm sorry Arnie couldn't come tonight.

Arnie? Who?

I'd like to see you again.

Remember you have to answer him the rule of the evening?

Well, I suppose it's in the realm of possibility.

Good.

Well, good night. I had a fantastical time.

Good night.

Good night.

Well,

you can't tell me you didn't have a good time because it's radiatoring out all

over your face.

Mr. Lucas, it's not here.

I know it's not here.

Maybe Arnie was lying.

No, no. Arnie was trying to save his life.

They're the wrong shoes.

You want us to go back to her place, Mr. Lucas?

No, no. That'd look too strange.

We'll have to make other arrangements to get the right shoes.

Foxy, I hate to bring this up, but when was the last time you saw a doctor?

Honey, I know it may never happen to you, but it does run in your side of the

family, you know.

You should be seeing a doctor regularly.

You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?

What is all this?

Oh, this is my Las Vegas Betty by Kit.

Mask and earplug.

When you sleep days and work nights, dark silence works like a charm. Now,

were saying?

I asked you when was the last time you saw a doctor.

What?

You heard me. Oh, sure. I dated a doctor once. Kept trying to give me free

physicals, and he always smelled like vitamin B. Look, I couldn't take him.

You know, I don't think I could ever be a nurse. Oh, Foxy, go to sleep.

Betty, I am trying to go to sleep.

I'll call you before noon.

All right, Warner, that's a list of all the physical evidence we've accumulated

so far.

As soon as Betty gets here, she can type up the rest of the interviews we'd

like. As soon as Betty gets here, she's going to lay down on the couch and take

a little nap.

Ah, big night, huh?

Well, you could say that. A lot of... I happen

to have a few hidden talents that I don't show around the office.

I'll tell you, disco is a lot of fun, but, boy, is it strenuous.

You think you can see the typewriter, or do we have to farm out our work to the

weekend typing service?

Ha, ha, ha. I happen to be the only weekend typing service you know.

Leave me to it.

Nice guy, huh? Nice guy? Oh, my dear.

Mr. Nice Guy No. 1 didn't show, but he did send along Mr. Nice Guy No. 2, and

he's wonderful.

Where's Foxy? Well, she is sound asleep under a ridiculous pink mask.

Remind me to call her. I've got to call her before noon.

She and I are going out to lunch together.

Come on, assist, assist. All right, all right.

Be careful.

Don't damage our weekend typing service.

You better get up, sleepyhead, if you want to have lunch with me.

Boy, you sleep a lot faster than I do.

Okay, just give me a couple minutes and I'll be right over. I want you to unmask

yourself and hop in that shower, fast.

See you here soon.

Okay.

Just ten more seconds.

Ten, nine, eight.

Oh, come on. No cheating.

Ten, nine, eight, seven. Come on.

Six, five, four, three, two, one.

Faster!

There we go.

Very good.

Now, I underlined all this.

It'll make it easier to read, don't you think? Just fine.

Police today are investigating an overnight slaying, which a spokesman

involve underworld figures.

The slain man has been identified as Arnold Richards.

That's him.

Authorities describe as a courier for known kingpins organized crime.

The body was discovered early this morning by hikers in the canyon area.

and police say the victim had apparently been murdered sometime yesterday

evening.

A fire broke out in the early morning hours in a downtown warehouse... Who is

it, Betty? Do you know him?

Yes. It's Arnie Richards.

Foxy's date that didn't show up last night. You sure?

Yes.

She introduced me to him outside my apartment yesterday.

Oh, Barnaby, where is she? She should have been here by now.

Oh, take it easy, Betty.

Are you doubting the apartment?

Well, the answer is that she's on her way over here now.

I hope so.

Hi.

That's the spirit, real friendly and natural. You're coming with us, just

smiling. Now, big Sunday smile.

Foxy?

Foxy?

Look, maybe she just found a guy with a surfboard and followed him to the beach.

Foxy?

J .R., come here. Look at this.

What's the matter?

Why in the world would she do that?

Well, your little cousin is really neat, but that doesn't mean she's neat.

Neat?

Shoes. Yeah, you sure do have a lot of them.

J .R., someone's been here.

The masked shoe bandit.

I'm serious.

Yesterday, when Foxy introduced me to Arnie downstairs, he asked about her

shoes. You mean Arnie, the guy who was murdered?

And last night, Carl Lucas spilled wine on her dress and her shoes and insisted

on taking them with him to be cleaned.

What would they want with her shoes?

Are you sure your cousin Foxy didn't get mixed up in bad company in Vegas?

No, not intentionally.

The shoes she was wearing yesterday. That's what they're after.

What, are they here?

No, no. We took them to the shoe repair yesterday.

Please,

Mr. Lando.

Be listed.

Please, please. Yes.

Now that you're listed, please be home.

Okay, one more time.

Hey, if you guys are hung up on things like women's shoes, I've got a pink

with perfume on it that'll just blow your mind.

Why are you breaking us up?

Now it's our turn.

Listen, why don't you spare yourself a lot of pain, sweetie? You can either

us where the shoes are you were wearing when you met Arnie, or you can be buried

in your bare feet.

Oh, those shoes.

Well? Uh, they're in a shoe repair.

That's exactly what we wanted to hear.

You. She's stalling again.

Well, we'll soon find out. You creep. You spill wine on me on purpose to get

shoes. What's with you kinky weirdos? Easy, Foxy. Just take it easy. Give us

what we want, you can walk out of here. It's a beautiful day outside.

Yeah, that means it's raining for sure, you fancy mouth liar.

The whole time playing Lord Gallant with my cousin and you were maneuvering for

a lousy pair of shoes.

Where are they?

In a shoe store in a shopping mall being stretched.

And you kidnappers would be lucky if you don't get the same treatment.

If that's the truth, Foxy, my love, you must have a claim ticket.

Let's have it. Don't call me love, you creep.

The claim ticket.

Oh, no.

You want my shoes. I want the 25 bucks that I paid for them.

Hey, not too fast.

If you crazy think I'm going to sit in this chair and wait for the stores to

open tomorrow, you've got goose down for brains.

The place is closed on Sunday.

Go open it.

Now, Foxy.

There better be a pair of shoes in Mr. Lando's shop with that number on them.

Oh, well, look who's afraid of who.

Big brave man scared I'm going to knock him down and run away.

Just relax, Foxy, relax.

I don't want to relax, and you quit calling me by my familiar name.

I'm not going to tell Betty what a rat you are.

You know, it's creeps like you that make it tough for the nice guys who just

want to go up to a girl and make friends.

You really make me furious.

In fact, I don't want you to ever speak to me again.

I'm wiping you from my memory bank right now.

And don't even stand where I can see you.

Yes.

All right.

Talk to you later. Goodbye.

Well, Barnaby hasn't heard anything.

Oh. Hello, Betty. Hello, Mr. Landau. Come in, please.

This is J .R. Jones.

Mr. Jones?

Hi, how are you?

Oh, thank you so very much.

Oh, don't even mention it, please.

I had to go by the shop anyway to pick up the receipts.

Maria always does the books after mass.

And always I am forgetting to take home the receipts. How much do I owe you? Oh,

for nothing, it costs nothing.

I did not make them better enough to charge you.

Just let me see your beautiful face in my shop once in a while.

Oh, thank you.

See, already I'm overpaid.

You're very welcome. Oh, thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye -bye. Thank you.

-bye.

You mean to tell me that somebody got killed over these? J .R., don't say

What could they be looking for in these? Oh, maybe jewelry or microfilms.

Yeah? Yeah, let me see.

Nope,

the heel is solid. Nothing. Let me see this one.

Oh, it's the same thing. Wait a minute, J .R., wait a minute.

Something here.

It's a key.

You know, it looks like it's to a locker of some kind or a cheap padlock.

Manufacturer's name and number on it. Yeah. Could be an athletic club or a

tennis club. Let me get that down.

It's a Nettleson Incorporated.

And the number's 129.

129.

All right, I'm gonna go ask my favorite great lock expert, Jay Kettle, if he

knows what that key fits.

Why don't you just call him, honey?

Because Jay Kettle is in jail for being a great lock expert.

I'll see you later.

What have you gotten yourself into?

Why don't you get up and stretch your legs?

I will not accept gestures of politeness from you. I would rather remain

uncomfortable in your presence.

Suit yourself.

Oh, I believe I'll get up and stretch my legs.

You can go ahead and shoot me if you want.

Yeah. They aren't here.

What do you mean they aren't there?

We've gone through every pair of shoes in this place. I'm telling you they're

not here. She's giving us a business.

No ticket here matches that number.

My friends say the shoes aren't there. Well, your friends aren't the brightest.

I mean, I wouldn't send them out to look for an elephant in a bathtub.

Now listen.

One more word out of you, that isn't the truth. I'm going to leave you here for

the coroner.

Oh, for the love of Mike, they just don't know what they're looking for. Let

talk to the jerk.

Hello, bright eyes.

The shoes are there because I took them there myself.

Now, what you're looking for is a new pair of high -heeled sandals. They kind

look like a layer cake.

They have tan patent strips with mocha suede filling.

And they have a gold medal racing stripe down the side.

I believe you have company. Who's that?

you like to buy a subscription you get in here where have you been i would have

called but i was helping this old gentleman try to find a dog see oh no

story's not gonna work what is with these darn shoes i was hoping you'd tell

this was hidden in one of them so this is what they were after they

who were they foxy where have you been I have some bad news for you, Betty, but

that gorgeous man that squired us the other night is a no -good crook.

Well, I'm afraid it goes a lot deeper than that, Foxy.

Arnie Richards was murdered.

Murdered?

Who? Why?

For this, I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm falling apart. My head's all jumbling up. Please don't. You've got to

think. How?

Did this key get in the shoe?

I don't know. I bought them in Las Vegas.

Wait.

Arnie was fooling around with my shoes in the taxi cab.

Hello?

Oh, yes, you are. Betty, did you find Foxy yet?

She just turned up.

Oh, well, that's a relief. Listen, Barnaby just picked up some not -such

-terrific references on her friend Arnie.

Betty, I just talked to Lieutenant Biddle. He said that Arnie Richards used

work for somebody named Carl Lucas.

That ring a bell?

Sure does. He was our escort last night.

Yeah, he kidnapped me, but I bonked him on the head and got away.

Good grief. Did you two hear that? I heard.

Betty, I think you and Foxy better come right down here.

We'll try to get the police to see if we can straighten this out. Oh, by the

way, Jay Kittle says that that key we found in the shoe does fit some kind of

pay rental locker.

Wait a minute.

When you were with Arnie, did he put anything into a pay rental locker?

No.

Wait, yes.

The airport.

You know, he was holding a briefcase all the way from Las Vegas in his lap like

a puppy dog, but when we got into the cab, he didn't have it.

Foxy seems to think that Arnie might have put a briefcase into a locker at

airport. Let's go see.

You two sit tight until we get there.

I'm going to call Lieutenant Biddle back.

All right.

Well, come on, let's go.

No, Barnaby and J .R. want us to wait.

Wait? Not while we have a head start. I mean, who's to say those creeps aren't

going to come over here after me while we're sitting here twiddling our thumbs?

Hey,

they're not going to spoil my weekend. Come on.

Foxy.

What weekend?

We got a carload of kidnappers right behind us. What?

No, watch where we're going. Come on, you can lose them.

Oh, how?

I'm no race driver.

Out of the way, folks. Here comes a student race driver. Move it!

See you next week.

How am I doing?

Still in first place.

We've got to get to her phone.

I have an idea.

Just short of suicide, I'm up for anything.

All right.

You head back to the road, up that way.

And make enough noise for two of us.

Yeah. Oh, I got you. I got you.

They can hear you.

You blew him away, Betty. Super fantastical.

Yeah, super fantastical.

Oh,

here it is.

Oh, what if it's a bomb?

Oh, foxy. No,

they wouldn't be that anxious to get it. Come on.

I'll take that.

All right, hand it over.

Now, the two of you are going to walk out of here with me very quietly.

All right.

Give it to him, Foxy.

Huh?

It's okay. Give it to him.

Here. No!

What?

Hold it right there, Maxie.

Foxy, I think you can let him go now.

Well, how did you fellas spend your Sunday afternoon?

Go ahead and open it, J .R. We already paid our admission.

All right, let's see here.

Wow.

Probably cocaine, huh?

If it's pure, we're looking at several million dollars.

Talk about pain through the nose.

I thought I told you two to wait for us.

We did.

We waited here.

Oh, Foxy, I wish you'd stay a little while longer. No.

You know what they say about second cousins and fish?

They become unwelcome after three days.

Not true.

You owe me a date.

I'd take a rain check on that, but the next time I see you, you'll probably

two mortgages and three kids.

Oh, come on, Foxy. Let's try to make it sooner than that.

Well, a friend of mine has offered me a job in Hawaii, sort of second coconut

and dance group.

Though you never know.

Oh, Foxy, when are you ever going to settle down?

You can't run all your life.

I know.

I know what you're saying.

You've been trying to ask me several times if there's any signs of that

that took away Aunt Prissy and Cousin Irma.

You should be checked regularly.

I am, but the doctors can't promise that the same thing won't happen to me

someday.

I mean, you're lucky.

It doesn't run in the women on your side of the family.

So I promised myself that I'd just live every day to the top.

See, every minute's kind of magic to me, Betty.

You're right about that, Foxy. Keep spreading the magic around.

If you have a good thought about somebody or something nice to say to

them today.

Never wait till tomorrow.

Did you hear that, Jedediah? So if you've got any second thoughts about

your cousin -in -law goodbye, then you'll just have to take her to the

You've got a deal.

Have a good trip. Bye -bye. Bye.