All language subtitles for Barnaby Jones s07e21 A Short Happy Life

Barnaby Jones, a Quinn Martin
production, starring Buddy Ebsen. Also

starring Lee Merriweather, Mark Schera,
with guest stars Kathy

Yates, James Luisi, Tom

Bauer.

Tonight's episode, A Short Happy Life.

Anyway, this choreographer says, stand
up. I said, I am standing up. Then he

puts his glasses on and he looks up at
me and he says, then sit down. That's

story of my life.

These beautiful Amazons with their
ostrich feathers and I look like a duck.

These shoes are never going to stretch
out. Have you ever noticed they never

have half sizes on sale?

Oh,

I've been yakking your ear off all the
way from Las Vegas. I'm sorry.

I'm still listening. You're going to
tell me how you got the name Foxy.

Oh, I used to play shortstop on a boys'
softball team, and I would fake a throw

to first and catch the runner off on
second.

Besides, you would not believe the blind
dates I ended up with as Florence

Alexandra.

There I go again.

Look, if you'd like to share a taxi, I
promise I won't say a word, and you can

talk the whole way.

I'd love to, Foxy, but I've got some
phone calls to make, some meetings to

up. Listen, you have a good time with...

What relative are you visiting?

Betty Jones.

Now, there is somebody who'd look great
in ostrich feathers.

She's the second cousin on her mama's
side. The Dickerson sisters married the

Dolan brothers.

I think you'd better make your phone
calls already. It's going to be tomorrow

real soon. It's been a ball.

Maybe I'll see you again.

Hope so.

You're the nicest guy I ever met on a
plane trip.

Bye.

South Occidental, downtown Los Angeles,
okay?

Hi. Hi. Is the offer still open? Sure.

I'm irresistible, aren't I?

I don't know. Let's go.

I feel like I had two right feet and two
left shoes.

Yeah, uh -huh.

Why don't you entertain me with your
life story?

Listen, uh, you want to hear the rest of
it? How about dinner tonight?

I thought you'd never ask.

Uh, could you arrange a dashing,
sophisticated date for my cousin?

She's very classy.

I'll try.

You know, the better place is I won't
let you in barefoot.

Maybe I can loosen it up a little for
you.

I used to work in a shoe store when I
went to school.

Here, try that.

Any better?

No.

Does this mean I'm not going to play
Cinderella tonight?

You don't get out of it that easy.

Eight o 'clock?

Yeah.

Just look for Betty Jones on the
mailbox.

You got a date?

Come on, don't embarrass me, Foxy. I'll
get it.

Well, thanks.

Okay, it's 8 o 'clock then.

That's the van behind it.

50 bucks in your pocket if you can lose
it.

I thought you might have had car
trouble. Well, I did, so I sold it. You

started to growl instead of purr, so I
shucked it and I took the plane.

You must be Barnaby Jones.

And you're J .R. Just exactly how I
pictured you. You know, this is the

time I've ever shaken hands with a
genuine, licensed detective.

From a cousin, I usually get a kiss.

I'm a genuine assistant cousin.

I love it.

We don't have to get acquainted. We can
just start kissing and start talking.

Oh, these shoes.

What's the matter, hon? These new shoes.
I just couldn't live without them, and

now they're going to kill me. Well, we
can drop them off at my shoemaker's, Mr.

Lando. I'm sure he'll be able to stretch
them or something. Luckily, he's open

on Saturdays. You know, if we knew you
were coming in by plane, we would have

picked you up.

We would have been delighted.

Oh, I didn't want to make any trouble.

Besides, I was busy arranging us a date
for tonight. I met an absolute... doll

of a guy on the plane.

Foxy, you shouldn't let strangers pick
you up. Oh, heck, Betty, everybody's a

stranger until you get to know them.

Besides, he doesn't know it, but I
picked him up.

Why don't you come along, too, J .R.?
We'll make it a foursome.

Oh, wait a minute. I already asked him
to get a Paul Newman for Betty. Oh,

Betty, you appear to have found a new
social secretary.

Yes. I'd be pretty good at that, you
know.

Well, anyway, I'm busy for tonight, but
I'd like to sign up for tomorrow.

You're just being nice.

Foxy, uh...

I'd like to talk to you a little bit
about Jedediah. What? No fair. No fair.

Well, if he's related to you, he's
absolutely charming and gentlemanly, and

he'll mature gracefully with beautiful
white hair and a crackly smile, and

tomorrow night will just be fine.

Oh, while we're out, Betty, I need to
get a new blouse. There's still ketchup

all over me.

Looks like I shot myself.

There's the case for you, Barnaby.
Plugged by a plugged ketchup bottle.

Much as I hate to tear us away, Jedediah
and I have to get to the office to

finish a report.

And I'll be in tomorrow to finish typing
it up.

Come on, Jedediah. These ladies
obviously have a full day's schedule.

Don't forget tomorrow night. I couldn't
forget a date named Jedediah. Could you

get a Jeremiah for Betty?

Well, first on the agenda, drop these
off, Mr. Landos. I'm sure you'll be able

to stretch them. He could just possibly
save my life.

I would hate to be the first person in
history to die of feet strangulation.

By the way, Foxy, how have you been
feeling?

Oh, now, about the blouse. Now, it
doesn't have to be an original.

Do you know a place that sells copies of
copies?

Well,

if you don't mind a little karate
between the clinches, I know just the

Well, move out of the way, ladies, and
let me at sixes.

Well, I struck up a little idle chit
-chat around the pool.

Oh, good.

Well, we can both be floating face down.
We don't find him.

Yeah, well, the only new arrival today
was some visitor, the cousin of one

Jones. They left to go shopping about
two hours ago. So we just sit here?

No. I'll go inside. You cover the back.

You know, the prettiest word in the
English language to a woman. Let me get

sale. Nope, wholesale. I should have
bought a dozen of these.

Have you given any more thought to
settling down?

Nope, I got wandering travelitis.

Surprise.

Wow, you're early.

I couldn't remember if I told you what
time, but I didn't have a number to

so... Eight o 'clock, but if you're
really impetuous, you can make it seven.

Oh, this is my cousin Betty Jones. This
is Arnie Richards.

How do you do? Hi, a pleasure.

I told you, classy and glamorous. Did
you find somebody special for her?

Foxy. I'm working on it.

Hey, the shoes.

What happened to the shoes you were
wearing?

Well, I couldn't wear them without my
mascara running.

Okay, 8 o 'clock. I'll see you right
here.

That is Arnie?

Yeah, he's kind of neat, don't you
think?

Honey, I'm afraid he's a kook. Are you
sure you want to place our fate for the

evening in his hands?

Yeah, he is kind of different, isn't he?

But, you know, I like people who are
different.

Betty, you have to do at least one thing
different every day or you tend to get

stereostriped.

Stereostriped? Yeah, you know what I
mean. Live a little.

It looks like your Mr. Arnie is not
going to show up.

Don't be so negatory.

Foxy, it's way after 8.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take us both out to a nice, quiet
dinner in a nice, quiet restaurant where

we can meditate on the fickleness of
strangers.

That'll just get you old maid's rash.

Now think positive.

Watch.

What are you doing?

I'm going to make the doorbell ring.

Whoops, I got my wires crossed.

Hello, if this is an obscene phone call,
speak your piece and then send over two

large pizzas because we're starving
here.

Foxy, Arnie, I'm sorry I've been held
up.

Uh, apology accepted. What is your new
ETA?

Can you do me a big favor?

I already did you a big favor. I ate two
crackers and peanut butter to keep from

bankrupturing you at dinner. I'm running
a little late.

So could you and your cousin meet us at
Robert's? Your cousin will know. You did

say you were an us, didn't you?

Trust me.

Half an hour?

You got it. See you there, Mansoor.

Everything's going to be just hunky
-dory.

Okay,

Mr. Lucas.

I've told you where it is.

I set it up for you. They're all yours.

Just let me out of here.

No, Arnie, come on now. You know I can't
do that. You know the rules.

And I'm sorry because I like you.

But you know what happens to people who
steal from me.

Please, Mr. Lucas.

Come on, Conno.

For God's sake.

May I help you? Mr. Rich's table,
please. The reinforcements have arrived.

Right this way, please.

Oh, excuse me. I think there's been a
mistake.

No, wait a minute.

Did Arnie recruit you for tonight?

Yes. And now I'm suddenly delighted that
I didn't refuse.

That's because you're staring at my
cousin Betty Jones.

She's from the beautiful family.

Carl Lucas.

I can't imagine what's happened to
Arnie.

Won't you both sit down?

Looks like there's enough of you to go
around. So, Betty, why don't you sit

there? Thank you. And I'll sit right
here.

Isn't that the most devastational
perfume she's wearing?

For heaven's sake, Foxy.

She's quite right, you know.

I'm Foxy Dolan.

How do you do?

I'm afraid you're going to have to
forget Foxy. You see, Foxy is from the

outspoken side of the family. She always
says exactly what's on her mind.

Good. Now, if you'll both call me Carl.

Listen, why don't we make that the rule
of the evening?

Terrific. Now it's your turn, Betty. Go
right by the rules and tell us exactly

what's on your mind.

There's nothing on my mind.

No dodging. What are you thinking?

Those are the rules.

All right.

I was wondering why I was so afraid to
come here when now I'm so glad I did.

Well, no one's going to top that piece
this evening, so why don't we drink to

that?

I hope you don't mind I ordered some
wine.

Oh, great. You know, I found that a
little bit of wine helps me overcome my

sinus completely.

Well, here's to new friends and to the
good fortune that brought it together.

Where is Arnie?

Oh, I, uh... I called him at the hotel
twice. As a matter of fact, no answer.

You know, I think I'd better call him
again, just to make sure.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

It's okay. No problem.

Terribly sorry. You should get some
water on it. Oh, well, would you look at

that? Two -tone shoes.

You want to go to the ladies' room?

No, you know, I tie -dyed jeans once,
and they never even came out this good.

I'm so sorry, Foxy. Listen, I have a
French cleaner who can get that out when

take you home tonight.

Look, the only damage that was done was
to a good glass of wine.

Never cry over spilled wine.

Now, to a great evening on the town in
tie -dyed shoes.

You mean you don't want to go home?

Wild horses couldn't drag me out of
here.

That's probably the most expensive
bottle of wine I have ever bathed in.

I'm very impressed.

I'll drink to that.

May the next bottle be kinder to us all.

Excuse

me,

I'll be right back.

Oh, you know, I think that last dance
really took me away.

Did you have fun?

Since I can't remember, did I have so
much fun?

I really mixed that up, didn't I? Mm
-hmm.

I had a very enjoyable time.

So did I.

Here. You really don't have to do this,
you know. I insist.

Well, if it makes you feel better.

I'm sorry Arnie couldn't come tonight.

Arnie? Who?

I'd like to see you again.

Remember you have to answer him the rule
of the evening?

Well, I suppose it's in the realm of
possibility.

Good.

Well, good night. I had a fantastical
time.

Good night.

Good night.

Well,

you can't tell me you didn't have a good
time because it's radiatoring out all

over your face.

Mr. Lucas, it's not here.

I know it's not here.

Maybe Arnie was lying.

No, no. Arnie was trying to save his
life.

They're the wrong shoes.

You want us to go back to her place, Mr.
Lucas?

No, no. That'd look too strange.

We'll have to make other arrangements to
get the right shoes.

Foxy, I hate to bring this up, but when
was the last time you saw a doctor?

Honey, I know it may never happen to
you, but it does run in your side of the

family, you know.

You should be seeing a doctor regularly.

You haven't heard a word I've said, have
you?

What is all this?

Oh, this is my Las Vegas Betty by Kit.

Mask and earplug.

When you sleep days and work nights,
dark silence works like a charm. Now,

were saying?

I asked you when was the last time you
saw a doctor.

What?

You heard me. Oh, sure. I dated a doctor
once. Kept trying to give me free

physicals, and he always smelled like
vitamin B. Look, I couldn't take him.

You know, I don't think I could ever be
a nurse. Oh, Foxy, go to sleep.

Betty, I am trying to go to sleep.

I'll call you before noon.

All right, Warner, that's a list of all
the physical evidence we've accumulated

so far.

As soon as Betty gets here, she can type
up the rest of the interviews we'd

like. As soon as Betty gets here, she's
going to lay down on the couch and take

a little nap.

Ah, big night, huh?

Well, you could say that. A lot of... I
happen

to have a few hidden talents that I
don't show around the office.

I'll tell you, disco is a lot of fun,
but, boy, is it strenuous.

You think you can see the typewriter, or
do we have to farm out our work to the

weekend typing service?

Ha, ha, ha. I happen to be the only
weekend typing service you know.

Leave me to it.

Nice guy, huh? Nice guy? Oh, my dear.

Mr. Nice Guy No. 1 didn't show, but he
did send along Mr. Nice Guy No. 2, and

he's wonderful.

Where's Foxy? Well, she is sound asleep
under a ridiculous pink mask.

Remind me to call her. I've got to call
her before noon.

She and I are going out to lunch
together.

Come on, assist, assist. All right, all
right.

Be careful.

Don't damage our weekend typing service.

You better get up, sleepyhead, if you
want to have lunch with me.

Boy, you sleep a lot faster than I do.

Okay, just give me a couple minutes and
I'll be right over. I want you to unmask

yourself and hop in that shower, fast.

See you here soon.

Okay.

Just ten more seconds.

Ten, nine, eight.

Oh, come on. No cheating.

Ten, nine, eight, seven. Come on.

Six, five, four, three, two, one.

Faster!

There we go.

Very good.

Now, I underlined all this.

It'll make it easier to read, don't you
think? Just fine.

Police today are investigating an
overnight slaying, which a spokesman

involve underworld figures.

The slain man has been identified as
Arnold Richards.

That's him.

Authorities describe as a courier for
known kingpins organized crime.

The body was discovered early this
morning by hikers in the canyon area.

and police say the victim had apparently
been murdered sometime yesterday

evening.

A fire broke out in the early morning
hours in a downtown warehouse... Who is

it, Betty? Do you know him?

Yes. It's Arnie Richards.

Foxy's date that didn't show up last
night. You sure?

Yes.

She introduced me to him outside my
apartment yesterday.

Oh, Barnaby, where is she? She should
have been here by now.

Oh, take it easy, Betty.

Are you doubting the apartment?

Well, the answer is that she's on her
way over here now.

I hope so.

Hi.

That's the spirit, real friendly and
natural. You're coming with us, just

smiling. Now, big Sunday smile.

Foxy?

Foxy?

Look, maybe she just found a guy with a
surfboard and followed him to the beach.

Foxy?

J .R., come here. Look at this.

What's the matter?

Why in the world would she do that?

Well, your little cousin is really neat,
but that doesn't mean she's neat.

Neat?

Shoes. Yeah, you sure do have a lot of
them.

J .R., someone's been here.

The masked shoe bandit.

I'm serious.

Yesterday, when Foxy introduced me to
Arnie downstairs, he asked about her

shoes. You mean Arnie, the guy who was
murdered?

And last night, Carl Lucas spilled wine
on her dress and her shoes and insisted

on taking them with him to be cleaned.

What would they want with her shoes?

Are you sure your cousin Foxy didn't get
mixed up in bad company in Vegas?

No, not intentionally.

The shoes she was wearing yesterday.
That's what they're after.

What, are they here?

No, no. We took them to the shoe repair
yesterday.

Please,

Mr. Lando.

Be listed.

Please, please. Yes.

Now that you're listed, please be home.

Okay, one more time.

Hey, if you guys are hung up on things
like women's shoes, I've got a pink

with perfume on it that'll just blow
your mind.

Why are you breaking us up?

Now it's our turn.

Listen, why don't you spare yourself a
lot of pain, sweetie? You can either

us where the shoes are you were wearing
when you met Arnie, or you can be buried

in your bare feet.

Oh, those shoes.

Well? Uh, they're in a shoe repair.

That's exactly what we wanted to hear.

You. She's stalling again.

Well, we'll soon find out. You creep.
You spill wine on me on purpose to get

shoes. What's with you kinky weirdos?
Easy, Foxy. Just take it easy. Give us

what we want, you can walk out of here.
It's a beautiful day outside.

Yeah, that means it's raining for sure,
you fancy mouth liar.

The whole time playing Lord Gallant with
my cousin and you were maneuvering for

a lousy pair of shoes.

Where are they?

In a shoe store in a shopping mall being
stretched.

And you kidnappers would be lucky if you
don't get the same treatment.

If that's the truth, Foxy, my love, you
must have a claim ticket.

Let's have it. Don't call me love, you
creep.

The claim ticket.

Oh, no.

You want my shoes. I want the 25 bucks
that I paid for them.

Hey, not too fast.

If you crazy think I'm going to sit in
this chair and wait for the stores to

open tomorrow, you've got goose down for
brains.

The place is closed on Sunday.

Go open it.

Now, Foxy.

There better be a pair of shoes in Mr.
Lando's shop with that number on them.

Oh, well, look who's afraid of who.

Big brave man scared I'm going to knock
him down and run away.

Just relax, Foxy, relax.

I don't want to relax, and you quit
calling me by my familiar name.

I'm not going to tell Betty what a rat
you are.

You know, it's creeps like you that make
it tough for the nice guys who just

want to go up to a girl and make
friends.

You really make me furious.

In fact, I don't want you to ever speak
to me again.

I'm wiping you from my memory bank right
now.

And don't even stand where I can see
you.

Yes.

All right.

Talk to you later. Goodbye.

Well, Barnaby hasn't heard anything.

Oh. Hello, Betty. Hello, Mr. Landau.
Come in, please.

This is J .R. Jones.

Mr. Jones?

Hi, how are you?

Oh, thank you so very much.

Oh, don't even mention it, please.

I had to go by the shop anyway to pick
up the receipts.

Maria always does the books after mass.

And always I am forgetting to take home
the receipts. How much do I owe you? Oh,

for nothing, it costs nothing.

I did not make them better enough to
charge you.

Just let me see your beautiful face in
my shop once in a while.

Oh, thank you.

See, already I'm overpaid.

You're very welcome. Oh, thank you.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye -bye. Thank you.

-bye.

You mean to tell me that somebody got
killed over these? J .R., don't say

What could they be looking for in these?
Oh, maybe jewelry or microfilms.

Yeah? Yeah, let me see.

Nope,

the heel is solid. Nothing. Let me see
this one.

Oh, it's the same thing. Wait a minute,
J .R., wait a minute.

Something here.

It's a key.

You know, it looks like it's to a locker
of some kind or a cheap padlock.

Manufacturer's name and number on it.
Yeah. Could be an athletic club or a

tennis club. Let me get that down.

It's a Nettleson Incorporated.

And the number's 129.

129.

All right, I'm gonna go ask my favorite
great lock expert, Jay Kettle, if he

knows what that key fits.

Why don't you just call him, honey?

Because Jay Kettle is in jail for being
a great lock expert.

I'll see you later.

What have you gotten yourself into?

Why don't you get up and stretch your
legs?

I will not accept gestures of politeness
from you. I would rather remain

uncomfortable in your presence.

Suit yourself.

Oh, I believe I'll get up and stretch my
legs.

You can go ahead and shoot me if you
want.

Yeah. They aren't here.

What do you mean they aren't there?

We've gone through every pair of shoes
in this place. I'm telling you they're

not here. She's giving us a business.

No ticket here matches that number.

My friends say the shoes aren't there.
Well, your friends aren't the brightest.

I mean, I wouldn't send them out to look
for an elephant in a bathtub.

Now listen.

One more word out of you, that isn't the
truth. I'm going to leave you here for

the coroner.

Oh, for the love of Mike, they just
don't know what they're looking for. Let

talk to the jerk.

Hello, bright eyes.

The shoes are there because I took them
there myself.

Now, what you're looking for is a new
pair of high -heeled sandals. They kind

look like a layer cake.

They have tan patent strips with mocha
suede filling.

And they have a gold medal racing stripe
down the side.

I believe you have company. Who's that?

you like to buy a subscription you get
in here where have you been i would have

called but i was helping this old
gentleman try to find a dog see oh no

story's not gonna work what is with
these darn shoes i was hoping you'd tell

this was hidden in one of them so this
is what they were after they

who were they foxy where have you been I
have some bad news for you, Betty, but

that gorgeous man that squired us the
other night is a no -good crook.

Well, I'm afraid it goes a lot deeper
than that, Foxy.

Arnie Richards was murdered.

Murdered?

Who? Why?

For this, I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm falling apart. My head's all
jumbling up. Please don't. You've got to

think. How?

Did this key get in the shoe?

I don't know. I bought them in Las
Vegas.

Wait.

Arnie was fooling around with my shoes
in the taxi cab.

Hello?

Oh, yes, you are. Betty, did you find
Foxy yet?

She just turned up.

Oh, well, that's a relief. Listen,
Barnaby just picked up some not -such

-terrific references on her friend
Arnie.

Betty, I just talked to Lieutenant
Biddle. He said that Arnie Richards used

work for somebody named Carl Lucas.

That ring a bell?

Sure does. He was our escort last night.

Yeah, he kidnapped me, but I bonked him
on the head and got away.

Good grief. Did you two hear that? I
heard.

Betty, I think you and Foxy better come
right down here.

We'll try to get the police to see if we
can straighten this out. Oh, by the

way, Jay Kittle says that that key we
found in the shoe does fit some kind of

pay rental locker.

Wait a minute.

When you were with Arnie, did he put
anything into a pay rental locker?

No.

Wait, yes.

The airport.

You know, he was holding a briefcase all
the way from Las Vegas in his lap like

a puppy dog, but when we got into the
cab, he didn't have it.

Foxy seems to think that Arnie might
have put a briefcase into a locker at

airport. Let's go see.

You two sit tight until we get there.

I'm going to call Lieutenant Biddle
back.

All right.

Well, come on, let's go.

No, Barnaby and J .R. want us to wait.

Wait? Not while we have a head start. I
mean, who's to say those creeps aren't

going to come over here after me while
we're sitting here twiddling our thumbs?

Hey,

they're not going to spoil my weekend.
Come on.

Foxy.

What weekend?

We got a carload of kidnappers right
behind us. What?

No, watch where we're going. Come on,
you can lose them.

Oh, how?

I'm no race driver.

Out of the way, folks. Here comes a
student race driver. Move it!

See you next week.

How am I doing?

Still in first place.

We've got to get to her phone.

I have an idea.

Just short of suicide, I'm up for
anything.

All right.

You head back to the road, up that way.

And make enough noise for two of us.

Yeah. Oh, I got you. I got you.

They can hear you.

You blew him away, Betty. Super
fantastical.

Yeah, super fantastical.

Oh,

here it is.

Oh, what if it's a bomb?

Oh, foxy. No,

they wouldn't be that anxious to get it.
Come on.

I'll take that.

All right, hand it over.

Now, the two of you are going to walk
out of here with me very quietly.

All right.

Give it to him, Foxy.

Huh?

It's okay. Give it to him.

Here. No!

What?

Hold it right there, Maxie.

Foxy, I think you can let him go now.

Well, how did you fellas spend your
Sunday afternoon?

Go ahead and open it, J .R. We already
paid our admission.

All right, let's see here.

Wow.

Probably cocaine, huh?

If it's pure, we're looking at several
million dollars.

Talk about pain through the nose.

I thought I told you two to wait for us.

We did.

We waited here.

Oh, Foxy, I wish you'd stay a little
while longer. No.

You know what they say about second
cousins and fish?

They become unwelcome after three days.

Not true.

You owe me a date.

I'd take a rain check on that, but the
next time I see you, you'll probably

two mortgages and three kids.

Oh, come on, Foxy. Let's try to make it
sooner than that.

Well, a friend of mine has offered me a
job in Hawaii, sort of second coconut

and dance group.

Though you never know.

Oh, Foxy, when are you ever going to
settle down?

You can't run all your life.

I know.

I know what you're saying.

You've been trying to ask me several
times if there's any signs of that

that took away Aunt Prissy and Cousin
Irma.

You should be checked regularly.

I am, but the doctors can't promise that
the same thing won't happen to me

someday.

I mean, you're lucky.

It doesn't run in the women on your side
of the family.

So I promised myself that I'd just live
every day to the top.

See, every minute's kind of magic to me,
Betty.

You're right about that, Foxy. Keep
spreading the magic around.

If you have a good thought about
somebody or something nice to say to

them today.

Never wait till tomorrow.

Did you hear that, Jedediah? So if
you've got any second thoughts about

your cousin -in -law goodbye, then
you'll just have to take her to the

You've got a deal.

Have a good trip. Bye -bye. Bye.