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Original subtitles

Barnaby Jones, a Quinn Martin production.

Starring Buddy Ebsen.

Also starring Lee Merriweather.

Mark Schera.

With guest stars Darlene Carr.

Gary Swanson.

David Hollander.

Tonight's episode, Victim of Love.

The deal was you'd whistle and I'd come running to help with the bag.

Frank, you've done more than enough for Danny and me. Oh, I enjoyed it.

I know it's good you got a job so you can move, but we're going to miss you

around here, pretty lady.

Oh, it's been nice, but expensive.

And an apartment will be a real home, won't it, Danny?

As long as it has a swimming pool.

He's really water safe now, thanks to you.

Yeah, I can even swim underwater.

Yeah, well, you keep practicing your front crawl, Tiger.

That's it.

And work on your breathing.

Hey, Danny, can you watch the wagon while I pay our bill?

Sure, Mom.

See you, Dan.

Goodbye, Mr. Taylor.

Julia, listen.

I don't want to lose track of you.

How about dinner sometime?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Give me a little time to get settled and I'll call you, all right? Okay, sure.

Thank the lot, Frank.

I'll be waiting for your call.

I'll talk to you later.

Hope we haven't forgotten anything.

Uh -oh.

Where's your baseball and glove?

It's on the table by my bed. I forgot.

I'll be back in a second. Don't go away without me.

Morning. Can I help you?

You're a real lovely boy, aren't you?

Got nothing to do but lay around in the pool, work on your California tan, and

hit on all the lonely chicks passing through.

Wait a minute, man.

We keep very little cash here.

I don't want your cash.

I'm gonna teach you a lesson about what happens to a punk who fools around with

another man's wife.

What are you talking about, man?

I saw you out there just now with her.

You got all the fancy moves, huh?

You're Julia's husband.

She told me she was divorced.

That's your specialty, right?

Women who are low.

Betty, are you sure she said 11 o 'clock?

11 a .m., Mrs. Julia Schumacher, old friend from Chicago.

Betty, I'm getting the impression that Jenna Dyer's memory of the lady does not

suggest icy winds blowing in off Lake Michigan.

Oh, Barnaby, you know how it is when you've had a crush on the girl down the

block since you're 12, and all of a sudden she's the homecoming queen, you

Mrs. Schumacher sounds rather special.

How come you let her get away?

I never really got that serious.

Anyway, let me see. When I was in Vietnam, a guy named Floyd Schumacher

his hitch, came home, and swept her off her feet.

I don't believe it.

How did you find me?

Memory banks.

When you took off for California, Floyd told me you had a cousin out here, a

private investigator.

Mrs. Julia Schumacher, that's my cousin Barnaby there.

and the good -looking member of the family, Betty Jones.

Hi. Hi.

We're very happy to meet you, Julia. I hope you'll forgive us for continuing

with our work.

I'm sure you and Jedediah have a lot of catching up to do.

Sit, sit.

How is Floyd?

What are you two, out here on vacation or something?

I should have told you, J .R., Floyd and I are divorced.

You two seem like such a great couple.

I got my final decree about three months ago.

How is your little boy, Danny?

He lives with me.

And he's not so little anymore.

He's seven, and he's all boy.

How long have you been in town? About a week.

And you're just looking me up now?

I'm not sure how to take that.

Well, I wanted to get settled first.

J .R., I need a favor.

Well, you name it, you got it.

Well, I've been offered a job.

Cashier in a drugstore.

But the owner wants a local reference before he arranges to bond me.

I hate imposing on you when I haven't seen you in two years, but I really need

this job.

Imposing? What are you, kidding? I'll get you a second one, a better one from

Barnaby. Um, on one condition.

Sure, what?

That you have lunch with me today.

Only if you promise to leave the anchovies off the pizza.

Ah, nothing's changed.

The anchovies never had a chance.

I'm the man on the phone to find out if Julie Schumacher applied for a job when

she was here yesterday.

Oh, yeah, you said you were with the Chicago police.

Mrs. Schumacher's from Chicago.

Also, more recently, Omaha.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I asked for a local reference.

Is she in some kind of trouble?

I'm going to take you into my confidence, Mr. Arnold. I'm on special

investigating an interstate narcotics ring. Mrs.

Schumacher's under 24 -hour surveillance.

Such a pretty lady.

Nice, too.

Hard to believe she's a criminal.

Exactly what she done.

Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss the case of this, sir, only to ask your

cooperation if you should hire Mrs. Schumacher. What sort of cooperation?

We'll be staking out the premises.

All we'd like you to do is let us know if any narcotics disappear.

Without saying anything to Mrs. Schumacher. We're hoping that she'll

the other members of the ring.

Oh, my brother and I, we never had any trouble in our store.

Maybe a little shoplifting.

Sometimes an employee takes a free sample, but never drugs.

We hope you'll take Mrs. Schumacher on, Mr. Arnold, but I'm under orders to

inform you that there could be some danger.

If a holdup were to be staged after she's had some time to case your

A holdup?

Maybe I better not get involved with this woman. I mean, who needs trouble?

Lunch was marvelous, J .R., especially having it with you.

But you want me to mind my own business, right?

No, it's just that hearing only my side of divorce makes me sound like a martyr.

It's not fair to Floyd.

Well, he's my friend, too. You know, I just want things to work out for the

of you.

Well, at least things have started to work out for me.

Schumacher. I didn't think you were coming back.

The job, it's taken.

Yes, but Mr. Arnold, I told you I could get a reference.

You promised to wait till today.

I'm sorry, young lady. I must have misunderstood.

Another woman came in and applied for the job. Wasn't as pretty as you.

My brother hired her.

Look, Mr. Arnold, I brought two references.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Really, but... There's nothing I can do.

Mr. Arnold, did someone talk to you about me?

A man from Chicago with a detective's badge.

Please, Miss Schumacher, it's like I said.

My brother hired someone else.

I don't want to be pushy, but why don't you level with me? I might be able to

help you. It's nothing. I'll be all right.

Now, look.

I heard you ask that man about a guy from Chicago with a badge.

Now, is that Floyd?

Come on, is he out here, too?

I'm not sure.

But you're right. I haven't been telling it like it is.

I never could fool you. I don't know why I tried.

Why would you want to?

I suppose I didn't want to admit I'm afraid of Floyd.

What do you mean, physically?

Even though he's never touched me.

But, J .R., the last year of our marriage was hell.

What happened?

Well, Floyd had been on vice about three years.

And he started to act like he thought everyone was dirty, corrupt.

Well, he'd always been jealous, but it got worse. He was suspicious of

everything I did.

If a man even spoke to me at a party, Floyd would threaten him. But you'd been

divorced then, no?

Yeah, on paper.

But not in Floyd's head.

He's hounded me day and night.

Floyd?

Before Danny and I came here, we were living with my Uncle Harry in Omaha.

Floyd found us and got me fired from my job by using his badge.

And now it looks like he's followed us here.

Sounds like he really needs help.

He's so reasonable when you talk to him.

But inside, he's violent.

J .R., I just don't know what he's going to do to me. All right, take it easy

now. Nothing's going to happen to you here. You're among friends, okay?

I missed you, damn boy.

Daddy, can I go home now? I want to go home.

Sure.

Sure, we can go home.

You mean that Floyd actually punched out a guy at a party?

Yes, someone we hardly knew. The man was just talking to me.

Thank God he wasn't seriously hurt.

Well, three months later, Floyd put our best friend Bert Wilson in the hospital.

Over you?

Yeah, Bert and Floyd had been partners for years, and, well, he knew all about

our problems.

He bought me coffee a couple of times to try and help.

And Floyd thought we were having an affair.

Hello, Mrs. Schumacher.

Here to pick up Danny already?

Yes. I'll get him for you.

Uh, did the department ever find out that Floyd assaulted his partner?

Well, Bert tried to cover it up, but there was just no way.

Floyd was suspended and told to see a police psychologist.

Smart move.

Yeah, but he only went a few times.

And then he just dropped out and sat around the house drinking.

A lot.

So that's when I filed for divorce.

Mostly for Danny's sake.

For all our sakes.

One of our student counselors took Danny's group over to the playground.

Being so close to us, we like the children to run off some steam before

home. Weather permitting.

Well, that's nice for the children and their parents.

That's what your husband said.

He's already over at the playground waiting.

My husband?

What playground? Where?

On the other side of the building.

There's Danny. By the ice cream truck.

I'll get him.

J .R., I don't believe, what are you doing here?

Uh,

Julia and I were looking for Danny.

She didn't know you were in town, Floyd.

Just blown from the Windy City, old buddy.

Gonna look you up tomorrow.

Yeah, you remember J .R., don't you, son?

Sort of.

Hi. Hi, Danny. It's been a long time.

Danny.

Just thought I'd surprise you, honey.

So beautiful as ever, isn't she?

How'd you find us this time, Floyd, Uncle Harry?

I just heard you were out here, and I wanted to see damn boy and you.

Floyd, let me talk to you for a second, okay?

Well, what is it with you two, anyway?

Julia told me about your divorce and some trouble with your partner. Now she

says you won't leave her alone.

You know, I don't want to get in the middle. Whoa.

Cool it, pal. I thought we were friends, remember?

Well, I still think we are.

I don't know what she told you, but my partner got busted up in a case we're

handling. Why would she lie about that, Floyd?

Maybe she's afraid.

I could nail her right now for child snatching.

I have visitation rights, you know.

What do you mean? She took Danny out of Chicago without your consent?

I don't know what you've been up to these days, but I'm still a cop. It's

nights, long hours.

One day I look around and Julia's gone.

Shook me up.

I want to see my boy.

So I tracked her down. Now, if that means that I'm following her, yeah, I

I'm guilty.

Well, that's a whole other story, Floyd.

You gonna take her to court?

Not as long as they know where Danny is.

I'm sorry we can't have some more fun, but I gotta go meet a friend and see if

he can put me up, okay?

You have to go?

Mm -hmm.

I'll be back, though, I promise.

I know where you're staying, honey, so I'll keep in touch.

We gotta get together and tell some old war stories, J .R.

Hey, make it soon, huh?

I don't know, Julia.

Seems like the same old Floyd to me.

He's not J .R.

You have to believe me.

He's not.

When you care about both people, it's brutal to be caught in the middle, let

alone take sides.

I know, J .R., but Julia is divorced. She has a right to live her own life.

That may be, but family quarrels are a ticklish business.

Nine times out of ten, the friend who tries to help usually winds up being the

loser. Where are Julia and the boy now?

At their apartment. I came back here to check out Floyd's version of what

happened to his partner in Chicago.

Any luck?

Oh, yeah.

Talked to Chicago just before you came in.

Partner's name is Burt Wilson.

He corroborates Julia's story completely, not only about Floyd taking

but how Floyd's never stopped interfering in Julia's life.

When did Schumacher leave the force?

How did you know that?

Says the reason when an officer in the kind of trouble he is starts flashing

badge in places where it's bound to be reported he's already lost it.

Well, the badge must be a phony because he was fired six weeks ago. I'd better

get over to Julia's place.

Yeah, I guess so.

But you be careful around the pool.

Okay, I will.

Danny, I want you to play in your bedroom for a while and keep the door

Will you do that for Mommy?

You said I could play outside.

Not now, Danny. I mean it. In your room.

No fair.

What do you want, Floyd?

Just a few minutes of your time.

It's not a lot to ask, is it?

Don't make me stand out here, Julie.

Floyd, if you want to see Danny, you'll have to go to court.

It's you I came to see to tell you that I've changed.

I tried to write you a letter, but I knew that you wouldn't believe me unless

saw you face to face.

Floyd. No, I mean it, Julie. I got a whole new life planned.

And I know that we can work it out.

If you just give it one last try.

I'm sorry, Floyd. Really, I am.

But we've made one last try too many times.

I just don't have another one left in me.

Look, I'll never ask you for anything. Just leave me alone.

I can't.

You're the only woman that I'll... I'll ever want.

Losing you would be like putting a gun to my head.

Floyd, don't say that.

I'm warning you, I'll get the law to keep you away if I have to.

Oh, that would be a bad move for both of us.

You know the court says I have a right to see my son.

Danny is my son, isn't he?

Floyd, if you really care about Danny, then let me make a life for him.

He's too little to handle what you're doing to him. You'll tear him apart.

Remember the first day we met?

The night that Danny was born?

Well, we can...

We can keep all those things and we can just wipe out the rest of the past eight

years. We'll go somewhere. We'll start again.

Floyd, you can't wipe out eight years of heartbreak.

We both have too many scars.

Now, please go.

You're my wife and Danny's mine, too.

It's always going to be that way.

But it doesn't make sense.

Why would the police take Floyd's side? The court gave me custody of Danny.

But Floyd was awarded visitation rights, and you took Danny out of Chicago

specifically to keep him away from Floyd.

I had to.

For Danny's safety. Now, does that make me a kidnapper? No, it does not make you

a kidnapper. Parents are exempt from the federal kidnap law when it comes to

their own children. The FBI has no jurisdiction whatsoever.

Well, then who does?

Local and state law enforcement.

And California is one of the states that recognizes child custody terms set in

other states. So in this state, you're considered a child snatcher. But you've

seen Floyd.

He can't be trusted with Danny.

I wish he could. The boy loves him.

Only the court can decide if Floyd is responsible.

But that takes so long. What's going to happen to Danny in the meantime?

If it comes down to it, the welfare department may have to take care of him

until the court can hand down a decision.

Welfare?

Look, as it stands, it could happen.

You know, but we have to find them first.

But what if we can't?

What if Lloyd starts drinking and Danny makes him angry?

Floyd's a monster when he's drunk.

Take it easy now. Danny is going to be okay.

Floyd isn't going to harm his own son. You said yourself he's never touched

either of you.

Try to relax. We're going to need your help, okay? Okay.

Hello? Hi, it's me.

I'm calling so you won't worry. Danny and I had a real good dinner. Floyd,

please bring Danny home now.

Not yet, honey.

But why? What are you going to do with him?

I don't know. Maybe we'll take a long trip together.

Make up for last summer.

All those weekends you were supposed to be with me.

Yeah, but you can't do that.

Yes, I can.

You have to learn that Danny is my boy, too.

Floyd, J .R., what the hell are you doing there?

You're supposed to be my friend, and I catch you hitting on my wife like all my

other friends?

Floyd, will you knock it off?

Now, I'm doing my best to help the both of you.

Why don't you just bring Danny back? We'll work things out.

Uh -uh.

Julie had him a long time. I didn't realize how much I missed him. I'm

of keeping him.

Terrific. You mean you're going to use your own son as a club to get Julie

That's not going to work, Floyd. I'll tell you what's not going to work, buddy

boy.

You angle him for a clear field with my wife.

I got a message for both of you.

She wants to see Danny again.

She's got to come back to me on my turn.

Well, aren't you the early bird, though?

The Jones family has a reputation for catching the proverbial worm.

Oh, really?

What happened to J .R.'s side of the clan?

Jedediah takes after his late father.

Monroe and I used to do a little fishing when we were kids, but he never could

see the sense of digging for worms when you could buy a can of them for a

nickel. Trouble is, I used to have to lend him the nickel.

That sounds like J .R.'s side of the clan, all right.

Morning.

Morning.

What is this, more stuff from the Sherman art collection?

Looks like we have enough paper here to print a congressional record.

The real tough part of this case is going to be checking out the security

system. I want you around at that time.

Okay, Mortimer, I'll be there.

You know, I am really worried about Julia.

Oh, how's she holding up?

Well, I just talked to her before I left my place.

She hasn't heard from Floyd since I talked to him last night, and she is

apart at the seams.

Jedediah, I took the liberty of calling the Chicago police early this morning.

You talked to Burt Wilson?

No, I talked to an old friend of your father's and mine who put me in touch

a police psychologist who tried to help Schumacher. Well, what did he say?

Well, apparently, Schumacher was a pretty good cop until a little over a

ago. Even then, the boys upstairs tried to save his bacon by transferring him

from vice to a robbery detail.

It didn't work out?

It was too unstable.

Did the psychologist mention anything about Floyd's hang -ups?

Schumacher didn't open up much, but he did take some tests. The results are bad

news. He has strong suicidal tendencies and a very high violence curve.

That's a really deadly combination.

What happens if Floyd disappears with Danny?

Or worse?

I don't really think that's likely, Betty.

Floyd's jealousy of Julia runs too deeply to leave her behind.

The cold fact is Schumacher appears to fit the tragic pattern you read about in

the newspapers where a man...

kills all the members of his family, and then turns a weapon on himself.

Oh.

I'd better get over to Julia's place.

Joe Dyer, the psychologist mentioned one other thing.

Maybe Mrs. Schumacher can explain it.

How can I explain something that just isn't true?

Julia, I believe you.

But according to Barnaby, that's what Floyd told the police psychologist.

That Danny isn't his son?

That he isn't sure he is.

It's funny how things come back to haunt you.

You want to tell me about it?

Well... When Floyd got back from Vietnam... It was almost

like I'd been waiting for him.

In a month, we were engaged.

We wanted each other so much, we didn't wait.

And I got pregnant.

And that's when you got married.

Later on, when Floyd got turned off women...

He got the twisted idea that... Well, if I was so willing with him, that there

must have been others.

And that I married him because I was already pregnant with someone else's

J .R., there were no others.

Ever.

I'm sorry to put you through that.

But we have to know where Floyd is coming from if we're going to deal with

you know.

Does Floyd have many friends here?

Only you that I know of.

Now, wait a minute. When we saw Floyd at the park, didn't he mention something

about meeting a friend who was going to put him up?

That's right.

Wait a minute. There is someone.

Al Carter.

He and Floyd were buddies in Vietnam.

All right, good. Where can I get in touch with him?

I don't know.

Well, he moved here a couple of years ago from Chicago to work as a salesman

some sporting goods company, I think.

Do you know the name of the company?

Oh, I'm sorry, J .R.

Let's be calm.

Now, if that's Floyd, try to get him to talk to you as much as possible. See if

you can find out where he is.

Hello? I memorized your new phone number like you told me to. See, Mom?

Oh, Danny, what a good boy.

Dad said we'd see you soon. I miss you, Mommy.

Where's your father, Danny?

He went to the car to get something and told me to wait here for him. Hold on a

minute, honey. Don't hang up.

He's alone.

Floyd went to the car to get something.

Ask him if he knows where they are.

Where are you calling from, Danny?

Travel town. There's a lot of little trains and engines.

Travel town.

Hold on again, son. I know the place. Tell Danny to hang up.

See if you can get Floyd to stay around there for as long as possible, okay?

Danny.

Listen, honey.

In a minute, I want you to hang up and pretend that you never called Mommy.

And then ask your dad if you can stay and play on the trains a little longer.

Do you understand, honey?

Okay, I'll try.

I love you, Mommy.

That was super.

You like this game?

Uh -huh.

I like hide -and -seek, but Mommy sounded funny.

I think I should go home.

Okay, fella, but first I want you to go and hide in the car, okay?

And you wait there till I come and get you. You got that?

Okay, sure, but not too long. Okay.

Thank you.

How's my wife, man?

I know you were tight with her before I came along, but she married me.

And you shouldn't have tried to pick up where you left off.

You're way off base, Floyd.

Everyone knows you were there with her before I got there.

And tell me about it. She as good as you remember?

Listen to me, Floyd. You're coming down on a friend again.

I warned you that Julie was off limits.

And you should have listened.

Sorry this isn't J .R.

I had Danny call from the train so that you'd send him to me.

Floyd, you didn't hurt him.

I wanted to get him away from you so you could think straight because this is

the last chance you're gonna have to see Danny ever again.

Please don't say that.

It has to be that way.

Are you gonna do exactly as I tell you?

Or you can say goodbye to your son.

On the phone.

Right now.

No, and it's going to be the three of us.

Was that Floyd?

Uh, no.

What happened? Are you all right?

Julia, I don't have time for games. You were on the phone. Was that Floyd?

All right.

It was him.

He said if I don't go to him, I'll never see Danny again.

So I'm going.

Are you telling me that you're willing to go back to him?

To stay?

Just till I find a way to get Danny away from him.

Julia, that is much too dangerous.

J .R., you didn't hear Floyd's voice.

I can't take any chances.

Look, I don't care about myself anymore.

Only Danny.

Well, I happen to care about the three of you.

Now, Floyd is a very sick man.

Do you know what the police psychologist told Barnaby?

That he might be suicidal.

Or worse.

J .R., I know that I should listen to you, but... I've got to get

something for this headache.

Julia, listen.

If you don't mind, I'll get a couple of those aspirin myself, okay?

Julia?

Julia?

Betty, listen, I need your help really fast. I have to locate a sporting goods

salesman by the name of Al Carter.

Any luck?

Thank you very much.

No, except a few people are going to call me back.

Betty did come up with something. I asked her to call Lieutenant Biddle to

him know that we were looking for Floyd in the event that his name came across

Biddle's desk.

Seems it already had.

Evidently, Floyd attacked a man named Frank Taylor, the manager of the motel

where Julia stayed.

He's been in the hospital with a concussion, but today he came too long

to give a positive ID, and there's an APB out on Floyd.

Barnaby Jones, investigations, may I help you?

Oh, yes, that does sound like the Al Carter we've been looking for. May I

to him, please?

Ma 'am, this is an emergency.

I need an address, a telephone number, something.

Could you hold on, ma 'am, please?

Where'd you say he is? He's out in his sales territory.

He won't be checking in till late this afternoon. No way to reach him. Tell her

we've got to have his home address. Don't take no for an answer.

Ma 'am, as I said, this is an emergency. I need his address.

She came back just like you said.

I always keep my word, son.

And I promise you, your mom is... is here to stay.

Our whole family's back together again for good. Isn't that right, Mom?

Yes, we're back together, Danny.

You've been drinking.

You give your mom a big hug, Dan boy.

I love you, Mommy.

All right.

Now let's go get my gear and hit the road. Come on.

You start collecting my stuff, and I'll get out the suitcase.

Don't sit down.

We're ready to cut out.

Can I ride with you, Dad?

Sure, we're going to ride in my car, son.

We wouldn't want anything to happen to your mother, would we?

No, son.

Danny, did you remember your baseball and glove?

I always forget to dump them.

Honestly, Danny.

I'll go and get them. No, the house is locked. Your dad will have to get them

for you.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Dad said we were taking his car. Don't argue with me, Danny. Just get in.

But we can't go without...

Just do as I say.

Sorry, Danny.

Looks like we're not leaving after all.

I sure hope coming out here wasn't a wild goose chase, Barnaby. If there's

nothing else we could do, a phone call might have forced Schumacher's hand.

Fear to have found it. Okay, you've got to make a right at the next corner.

Can't we leave now, Floyd? I promise I won't try to run away again.

No.

It's never going to work. I know that now.

Don't worry, Mom. He'll go to sleep in a while. Then when he wakes up, he'll

feel better. He always does.

We're going to be together.

That's all that counts.

Dan, why don't you give that ball a rest?

Go on inside and take a nap.

But you said we were going somewhere. You promised.

We are, son.

We're going on a real long trip.

You go on inside.

I'll take a nap over here in a minute.

Okay.

I'll get his car right there.

I'll take the left side of the house.

Julie's in there all right with Floyd. He's got a pistol and a half -empty

bottle. What about the boy?

Must be in another room. I'd really like to try to get him out of there,

Barnaby, before we try and deal with Floyd.

Small house.

Couldn't have more than a couple other rooms.

This is my cousin Barnaby, Danny. We want to help your mom and dad. Will you

give us a hand?

I guess so.

Good boy. Now you just stand right there.

I get this screen off.

And then you come out the window. I'm going to check the front out.

What are you doing, Floyd?

Why didn't you let it work out?

Oh, please don't.

Everything's so, it's so hard.

Look what it's doing to Danny.

Boy, give it up.

It's all over.

Well, I've tried to explain to Danny that his dad isn't thick and that he has

go away to a hospital to get well.

How's he taking it?

Well, he was really unhappy at first.

But he perked up when I told him maybe we could visit Floyd later on if the

doctor says it's all right.

But at least Floyd won't have to stand trial for assaulting Frank Taylor.

Lieutenant Biddle said that Taylor dropping the charges because of Floyd's

mental problem.

Well, that's good.

But what about later, Julia? Has Danny asked whether you and Floyd are going to

get back together again?

Well, it's funny, Betty, but I don't think he expects us to.

He seemed to realize it won't work out.

With the help Floyd is getting, there's a chance that he could build a new life

for himself.

Maybe even spend more time with a boy again.

I hope so.

Yeah, it would be a really nice thing if he could get to know the kind of guy

his dad really is.

Well, Danny's stomach is probably growling.

I've promised to take him out for a special lunch today.

Well, not alone you're not.

Do you know Danny's never heard of anchovies?

Oh, you're not. You are.

I know an uncle can't take a place with a father, but, you know, somebody's got

to teach this kid how to eat.

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