Original subtitles

Previously on Air... Are you the new principal?

Yes, I am.

Dennis Martino. I've been looking over your lesson plan, and frankly, I'm not

impressed. 32 teachers in this school. Why do you have it in for me?

Maybe I'm just bored.

Seriously, at what point in his life did Dennis Martino decide, okay, I'm a cool

guy. I'm gonna act like a cool guy. People are gonna see me as a cool guy.

gonna reap the benefits of being a cool guy.

Man, it's a mystery.

Guy's a jerk. There you go. Mystery solved.

Aha, but what makes him a jerk, that is the mystery. What happened in

Massachusetts?

These are always the guys that you go for. The attractive, hard -to -crack

You know, the broken guy that you can fix.

I, Miss Bessie, am a drunk.

What's Dennis doing here?

Well, he just told me that he and Carol Bessie hang out together after school.

I was just beginning not to hate you.

Really?

Me too.

Let's play, like, a Winter Wonderland in here.

Winter Wonderland. You know, I've always had a problem with that song.

Oh. In the meadow, we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson

Uh -huh. He'll say, are you married? We'll say, no man.

What?

No man?

That's what you call the parson? Man?

Hey, man, Parson Brown.

Man? He's a member of the clergy. You don't call him man. It should be no sir.

But no sir doesn't rhyme with no ma 'am.

True. Morning, ladies.

Good morning. Hi, Dennis.

Miss Vessi, you know, I could use some help arranging the faculty Christmas

party. Would you mind stopping by my office after six period?

No. Yeah, sure.

Yeah? Okay.

See you then.

Lordy mama.

What? There's enough electricity in the air to power a damn Ferris wheel. Molly,

please. No, no. Come on. Something is going to happen with you two. I can feel

it. And when it happens, I will know it. How will you know it? Because I will

see it in your face.

You might want to take a better look.

When

it's

my moment in the sun Oh, how beautiful

I'll be

But in a normal sort of way.

Like I am you and you are me.

Why don't you tell me?

No, I don't. I'm telling you now.

I knew it.

I knew that you and Dennis would... What exactly have you done?

We've, um... We've kissed.

A couple of times.

But that's it. When did he make his move?

You? Made the move? You made the move?

Shh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, so, um... What, like... Are you guys, like,

dating now? No. I don't know. No.

He's my boss. I don't want to be dating the boss.

Isn't that... We're supposed to not be doing?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hang on.

Ed and I can smell this coming a mile away.

Oh.

You haven't told him yet, have you? No, no. Okay, well, I think you should. The

sooner the better. Just get it out of the way.

Oh, you think?

I mean, I'm not even sure if anything's going to come of this.

Just tell him, Carol. Okay, don't let him find out some other way.

So is Dennis a good kisser? Molly. What?

What did this girl talk?

Yeah, Christmas came a little earlier this year for Carol Bessie. Shut up.

Honey, have you seen my gray socks?

Honey?

Thanks, Kenny.

Bosco, I've got a wowser of a theme for the Stucky Bowl Christmas party. A

theme? Okay, you're not hearing me. A wowser of a theme.

I heard the word wowser and chose not to repeat it. Christmas on Jupiter.

Picture this.

Alien creatures with the upper bodies of elves and the asses of reindeer.

A two -headed Santa shooting lasers out of his beard.

Beards. Right. So what do you say?

No. Suppose it was a three -headed Santa.

Good morning, miss.

Good morning.

I'm here to see your...

Bowling alley lawyer.

Your name, please.

Leonard Prescott.

At your service.

Excuse me.

Prescott? The Leonard Prescott? As in Prescott Park, Prescott Library,

Medical Center? Yeah, I really have to stop letting him slap my name up on all

those buildings.

It is an honor to meet you, sir. I'm Ed Stephens. Come on in. Have a seat. Yeah.

That assistant of yours. What a delight.

Married? Single?

Got a fella?

Yeah, honestly, I don't know.

How can I help you, sir?

I need an elf.

Excuse me?

Philanthropy is my game. For 50 years, I've been giving away to those people in

need. I'm well aware of the Prescott Foundation, sir. But this Christmas, I

it to be different.

I don't want to draw a line at those people in need. This Christmas, I want

give away to everybody.

Everybody? Yeah, I've got plenty to go around.

You see, everybody can just come up and ask for what they want the most, then

I'll just write them a check, and it's theirs.

Wow. Just like Santa Claus.

Yeah, exactly.

And Santa needs him an elf. That is where you come in, Mr. Severinsen.

Stevens, what do the elf duties consist of? Oh, all that lawyering stuff. You

know, paperwork and making sure the giving goes smoothly.

You don't have a lawyer on retainer? Yeah, sure, 38, but none of those

suits can comprehend why I'm doing this. Why do you want to do this?

I want you to think of the best present you ever had.

The one you enjoyed the most. Now think hard.

Third grade, parents gave me a Snoopy snow cone machine.

Drop an ice cube in, get a snow cone out. Yum, yum, fun is what it's all

Oh, that look on your face just now.

That's the joy of getting the perfect present.

That's why I want to do this.

Got yourself an elf, Mr. Prescott.

Yum, yum, fun?

Yeah, that's what they said on the commercial.

Yum, yum, fun.

Hi, everybody, and thanks for joining us. I'm Steve Kometko.

Mike,

what are you doing? I want to see that thing on Larry Hagman's breakdown.

Dinner table isn't a place for TV, Nance. Since when?

Tonight.

I'm going to start setting a better example for Sarah.

Okay. What brought this on?

This morning I was walking around naked eating a Pop -Tart. Business as usual.

I looked over, and Sarah was staring at me.

Oh, honey. Oh, man, she's getting that in. She's old enough to be aware of her

surroundings. She's watching everything we do.

She's listening to everything we say.

Right. Right. So it's time we start kicking some bad habits.

One more TV at dinner. Wait a minute.

You were eating a Pop -Tart naked, so I can't watch E! News Daily.

Come on, let's have a nice stimulating conversation.

Okay.

My favorite modern architect is Frank Gehry.

Some eggnog while you wait?

This smells like paint thinner.

I'm still fine tuning the egg to nog ratio.

You're welcome, Mr. Booten.

And a Merry Christmas.

And enjoy that trampoline.

Next!

Next!

Hello, I'm Jennifer Karras.

Well, Miss Karras, and what would you like?

This is for real.

You're just giving away money.

Yes, I am.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

And I don't have to, like, go look at condos or something?

No. You just tell me what you want, and I give you a check.

Okay.

Well, I could use a new microwave oven.

Microwave? You've got it.

How much does one of those filber bitches cost?

Two hundred.

Two hundred.

Two hundred.

Thank you so much.

What if I'd asked for two microwaves?

You could have had 400.

Next.

Next.

Uh, P.

Washington Stubs.

Oh, boy.

And what can I give you today, Mr. Stubs?

I'd like $50 billion, please.

Phil. All right.

All right.

A mechanical bull. What? It was the first thing that popped into my head.

And what does that cost?

Fifty billion dollars.

Well, I'm all done with these.

Okay. Well, great.

If you'll pick up the cake in the morning at the pie shop, we'll be all

Sure. I can pick up the cake.

Great.

Thanks for helping out.

No problem.

Dennis. Yeah.

About the kissing thing that we've been doing. Yeah.

I just, I wanted to say that I think it's really great that it hasn't gotten

the way of our, you know, what we do here.

You know, employer -employee relationship. Because it can sometimes,

can be bad.

Yeah.

Or so I've heard. Not that it has to be bad, though. I mean, it doesn't, because

it's just, you know, it's kissing. What's the big deal about kissing? It's

lips touching together.

People touch their hands together every time they shake, and that's not a big

deal. And people pat each other on the back all the time without giving it a

second thought. You know what that is?

It's skin on hands.

That's it.

There's nothing to panic about, really. No, I'm not panicked.

I'm not either.

I'm going to go. Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

I think that's it.

All righty. I was just heading my stride.

Sir, we've been doing this for the last ten hours.

Excuse me. Am I too late?

Not at all.

What's your name?

Tom. Tom Lemaire.

All right. Mr. Lemaire, yours is the last gift of the day. So let's make it

something good.

Wow, really?

Well, I'd love a new CD player.

Not good enough.

Really? All right, well...

About a projection TV?

Not good enough.

And big, Mr. Lemaire. Big, big.

Well, you know, what I've always really wanted more than anything else in the

world is to see this great land of ours from the driver's seat of my very own

Winnebago. Now you're talking.

Uh, excuse me, sir. Those things have got to run a good $100 ,000.

Then Mr. Lemaire is lucky that I'm a very rich man.

Thank you.

Sir, I... I don't know how I could possibly ever thank you. Send me a

How about Mount Rushmore?

No, but if you can find something with an animal in human clothing, that's

always good for a laugh.

Merry Christmas.

Guess it's time to close up shop.

Boy, oh boy.

That felt good!

You're the real thing, Mr. Prescott. You're a real -life Santa Claus. And you

are a natural -born elf.

Thank you, Mr. Haley.

All right.

I'm going to give you a countdown, and when I get to one, hit the switch.

You ready? Ready.

All right.

53.

52.

51.

50.

49. 48.

I have a Mr. Bruce Kapler here to see you.

Mr. Stevens, I'm the executive director of the Prescott Foundation.

Oh, great. Nice to meet you. Your man, Mr. Prescott, was in here yesterday.

an amazing fellow. He gave away almost $200 ,000.

Yes, which would be great, except for one thing.

What's that?

He doesn't have a dime.

He doesn't have a dime? What do you mean he doesn't have a dime? Mr. Prescott is

flat broke.

No, that's...

He's the richest man in Stuckyville. Only up here.

The old man has lost his grip on reality.

He wouldn't listen to me. He wouldn't listen to his accountants. He just gave

and gave and gave until there was nothing left.

His personal account has been closed for over a year.

His personal account?

Yes. All of those checks are going to bounce.

Mr.

Kapler, I hate to tell you that those weren't personal checks he was writing.

They were from the Prescott Foundation.

Oh, no, no. He's not supposed to have the, um...

Oh, my God.

$180 ,000?

Mm -hmm.

That's our operating budget for the year.

When they cash those checks, we'll be wiped out. We'll have to close the

and the soup kitchen.

This will bankrupt the entire foundation.

How could you let him do this?

I'm sorry, Mr. Capital. I had no idea.

So... Crazy old man stumbles into your office, tells you he wants to give away

thousands of dollars, and you're just fine with it.

First of all, he didn't stumble. He wasn't crazy. He didn't seem crazy. He

Leonard Prescott. He was supposed to be rich.

Can't you just stop payment on the checks?

No, we can't. We tried. Most of them have already been cashed. So now what?

Now, I don't know. I guess I just go house to house and ask everybody to give

the money back.

Oh, God, that sounds like a horrible job.

It's like you're the Grinch. Yeah, the Grinch. Your heart's three sizes too

small. I'm like your forehead.

Easy there, Grinch. You know, I'm not going to do this alone. You're coming

me. Why me? You call me Grinch. So did they.

You did it first.

True. No, wait a minute. That's not true. They're starting to grow weary of

forehead jokes.

This isn't going to be any fun.

What do you want me to do?

Come with me and stand there looking Christmassy.

Hey, Mr. Barber.

Mr. Stevens.

Hey, Justin.

This is that nice lawyer who helped us get all these great presents.

So, what can I do for you?

Oh, here's the thing.

I guess it's official.

The most hated man in Stockieville.

That is not true.

Carol, did you see the look on Mrs. McClister's face when we took her new

machine back?

You can't worry about that. Nobody uses those things more than once anyway.

Bed. Yeah?

Listen.

You shouldn't feel so bad about all of this. None of it was your fault.

Thanks, Carol.

I gotta get over to the school.

Um, big faculty Christmas party tonight.

Oh, yeah, right. Have fun.

Good night, Mr. Grinch.

Good night.

Bad news, Bosco.

There's a no -return policy on the mechanical bolt.

I know. It's a damn shame.

Hey, honey.

What's with the music?

I can't enjoy some music.

You don't like this music.

This is some, uh, very pleasant music. Mike, you know nothing about this music.

You have had the same classic rock mixtape on the stereo for six years.

Quick, what's that instrument, an oboe or a bassoon? Honey, why does it bother

you so much that I'm trying to class myself up a little for Sarah?

Because we're just fine the way we are.

Yes.

You know you'd love it.

Ride, Captain, ride upon your mystery ship.

Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip.

Ride, Captain, ride upon your mystery ship.

Thank you.

Should have told him. I couldn't. He was too upset about the whole Prescott

fiasco. You know what I always say. Best time to hear depressing news is when

you're already depressed.

You don't always say that.

Sure I do.

Hello, girls.

Well, hello, Mr. Bronkowski. You having a holly jolly Christmas?

Yes, I am. My social studies class just gave me a beautiful new relief glow.

You know, the bumpy kind.

Oh, that is great. You know, you can never truly appreciate the majesty of

Himalayas until you've rubbed them.

Good evening, everyone.

Dennis. Hello.

Mr. Brankowski, you're just the man I wanted to see. Oh?

I'm interested in your opinion on something. What's that?

The origin of the kiss.

Ah, the kiss.

Why is it that we humans express our affection by touching our lips together?

It's kind of strange when you think about it, isn't it?

Right. Yes, well, many anthropologists believe that kissing evolved from

chewing their food and then passing it on to their children through their

That's what I thought.

Fascinating.

Why do you ask? It's just curious.

Just curious.

Enjoy the party, everyone.

Excuse me.

You're blocking the potato salad.

Oh.

Hello.

Hello. Oh, Mr. LeMary, you got my message. Yeah. Thanks for coming. I'm

have to tell you this. Come outside.

You got to see something.

Okay. You ready, Ed?

Here it is.

My brand new Winnebago.

What do you think?

It's really something, Mr. LeMire. You're damn right it is.

Come on.

Step inside my world on wheels. That's what I call it. My world on wheels.

Hey, hey, look at me. I'm Captain Kirk.

Warp speed, Dr. Spock.

Look, Mr. LeMire. Hey, check this out.

I got a TV.

TV in my car.

Think about it. I could watch a movie about cars while I'm sitting in my car.

That's like, I mean, that's like... Okay, look, Mr. Murray, I don't... Hey,

want to try the shower? You would not believe the water pressure on this

bastard. It'll knock you unconscious.

Mr. Murray, you can't keep this Winnebago.

What? You can't keep the Winnebago. Look, I'm very sorry about this, but

money you received, it belonged to the Prescott Foundation. It's supposed to go

to charity.

Whoa. Yeah. Uh -uh.

Uh -uh.

Prescott gave that money to me. He knew I was going to spend it on a bagel. This

is my bagel. Mr.

Mayor, please, listen.

I'm very sorry about this. Really, I am. But you have to understand, if you

don't give the money back, the Prescott Foundation will have to close.

I'm sure you'd sleep better at night knowing you did the right thing here. I

sleep fine.

The bedroom came with one of those white noise machines.

I hear that sound.

I'm out like a light. Mr. Mayor, if you don't return that money, I may have no

choice but to take you to court.

You've got to be kidding. You don't have a case.

Happy holidays, Mr. Mayor.

Are you here to apologize?

Apologize? Yes.

Yes, that little stunt you just pulled back there is exactly the kind of thing

that's going to get us into trouble.

Uh, no.

I'm not here to apologize.

Then why are you here?

So, this is a bit new for me.

Really? Which part would that be?

The part where I sleep with my boss.

Oh, I see.

Yeah. My brain keeps screaming, no, Carol, not Dennis Martino.

Danger.

Why don't you listen?

Because something else inside me.

Keep saying that maybe you're worth the risk.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's too bad.

Really hoping he wouldn't show.

Mr. Capper, we can't win this.

Why not?

He asked Mr. Prescott for some money to buy Winnebago. Got the money. Bought a

Winnebago.

Not exactly a lot to sink your legal teeth into.

Well, then why are we here?

I figured it was worth a shot to see if he'd get scared off and not show up.

Since that didn't happen, I have to hope for a Christmas miracle.

Case number LWB729, the Prescott Foundation versus Thomas Lemire.

Now, Mr. Stevens, I can see we have a case number here.

What I don't see is a case.

Your Honor, the Prescott Foundation does a lot of good for a lot of people. Now,

we can go round and round in circles here, but let me cut to the chase.

If Mr. Lemire keeps the Winnebago...

The Prescott Foundation goes out of business. A lot of people will suffer.

opposing counsel is going to stand up and say that Winnebago was a gift and

there is no law that can force Mr. LeMayor to give it back. Perhaps he's

But all things considered, is that really the best decision to make here?

Thank you.

Stronger.

Winnebago was a gift and there is no law that can force Mr. LeMayor to give it

back.

Mr. Stevens, I know you know what my decision has to be. I have no authority

take away Mr. Le Maire's gift.

I rule in favor of the defendant.

I'd appreciate the triad.

We can't give up yet. Is there any way we could raise the money?

We'll see.

For a guy with no case, you were pretty good, weren't you?

Yeah.

I thought for a second you were actually going to move the old bastard.

For a guy who won, you can't feel good about shutting down the Prescott

Foundation, can you?

Ed, are you actually going to try to carve out some high moral ground for

yourself? Come on, Tim, we're talking about $100 ,000 that should be going to

charity. And it's not because your client won't do what's right.

Hey, that's a nice wristwatch.

How much you pay for it?

$150.

Why? Couldn't you buy a perfectly functional watch for, say, $50?

Yeah. And that $100 left over, couldn't that help a charity?

Yeah. Yeah, but that's not... So why are you walking around with that fancy

watch on your wrist?

You're taking $100 away from medical research.

And what about the car you drive?

Couldn't you make do with less?

Wouldn't that money be better spent buying food and clothes for a needy

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You've got no right to... Your watch is a lot

fancier than mine. But at least I'm self -consistent.

You're the one saying Tommy LeMaire should give up the Winnebago.

You're a hypocrite, Ed.

I'm not a hypocrite.

Then how can you justify the luxuries you enjoy?

Morally speaking, there's not a shred of difference between you and Tommy

LeMaire.

Mr. Martino?

Yes, Eunice.

Carol Bessie is here to see you.

Not right now, Eunice. I'm kind of busy.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Hello, I'm home.

Matt?

What the... Welcome home, Michael. Would you like a crumpet?

Oh, I see you're mocking me. No, no, no, Michael, I'm not mocking you.

I'm merely offering you a crumpet.

Crumpet? You want to make fun of me for wanting to be a good influence on my

daughter? Oh, yes.

Darling, do say hello to Papa.

You done yet? Honey, I'm just having a little fun.

I do have quite a bit of time on my hands.

Yeah, Nath, I just don't think you're taking me seriously.

Oh, come on, I am too.

Nope, you're not.

Crumpet?

What am I looking at exactly?

I've decided to give away everything I don't really, really need to charity.

Everything you don't need or everything you own?

Anything less would be hypocritical.

I think that you're going a little overboard, Ed. No, I'm not going

okay? This lawyer guy today was right. How can I justify having a $150 watch

when there's people starving in the world? Well, then give him the watch.

It's not about the watch. It's about stuff, stuff, stuff. I got all this

I don't need all this stuff.

Yeah!

Come on up.

The guys from the Prescott Foundation are here.

Ed, this is crazy. You're only keeping two pairs of pants?

Oh, yeah.

Pants. And backup pants.

Huh.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Come on in. It's Stevens.

Lost my lease. Everything must go.

TV goes? TV goes. Take it away.

No.

The TV does not go.

Carol, it's fine. Look, I can live a long and happy life without watching the

education of Max Bickford.

Guys, why don't you, um, have some socks?

Hey, Carol, what are you doing? You don't have a say. She doesn't have a

course I do, honey.

Honey. I'm his wife.

You have to forgive my husband. Sometimes he gets a little bit

know.

I'll take potent potables for 500, Alex.

Right?

Let's get the TV.

Get the TV.

Beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

It's beginning to feel a lot like a nut house.

Excuse me.

Gather around, people. Over at the snack bar, please.

Okay. So I've got an idea for the Christmas...

Party, excuse me. Who are you, sir?

Fred Butt.

And what are you doing at this meeting?

I don't know. You said gather around people, so I figured something was up.

I'm sorry. I just met my staff.

Oh.

All right.

Okay.

Here's my idea for this Christmas party. Bosco, before you embarrass yourself,

I've already thought of the perfect theme for the party. Now, I know you

rejected Jupiter. How about this?

Saturn. Saturn, the planet of the car.

The planet?

Saturn any different from Jupiter, you moron.

Rings? Okay, look.

The theme for this year's Christmas party is going to be charity.

Charity the car or charity the planet?

What? What? What?

I was making a joke.

Okay, look. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to turn this bowling

alley into one giant fundraising machine. We're going to raise $100 ,000,

so doing, we're going to single -handedly keep the Prescott Foundation's

open. What do you think? I think it's a fantastic idea. I'm in.

Red. Me too.

I could use the Hail Mary to get me off the naughty list.

Great. Let the preparations begin.

Okay, Carmilla, the number's on the kitchen counter if you need us, but we

shouldn't be too late. Oh, that's not a problem, Mrs.

Barton. Great.

Ready? Yep. Still mad at me? Nope. Come on, it was a joke.

It was funny. Yep, fine, let's go.

You got a joke.

Carmela loves jokes.

Well, Carmela, actually, it was just a funny dinner I planned for him. It was

nothing. Why did the bear cross the road?

Because it was a chicken's day off.

Normally, it's always a chicken who's crossing the road.

There is no chicken today.

It is a bear.

Christmas on Venus.

What?

Nanu nanu.

Hey, Carol.

Glad you could make it. Nice to see you. Now, come on. Start emptying that

pocketbook. Ed. What? You seem a little overly caffeinated.

Ah, nah. Christmas spirit.

Nature's caffeine. Now, come on. Chop, chop. Let's go. Start dropping some

I will not. I'm going to.

What?

Nothing.

That seems like something.

It's nothing.

Okay, it's nothing.

Come on.

Let's go 200

going

once going twice going three times

Four times. Going five times.

Come on, people. It's Christmas. Where's your spirit? Let's do the right thing

here. Think about what we're offering. A night to remember.

Fine dancing and race dogs. Who's going to give me $2 ,000?

I'm looking for $2 ,000. Who's giving me the deuce?

Who's... People.

Folks, what's the matter with you? There's people out there who need your

I'm looking for the deuce.

I'm going to need the loo. Okay.

Hey. So are you enjoying the big charity bash?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, it's all right.

Good. Excellent.

Did your assistant mention that I stopped by your office the other day?

She did. I'm sorry I couldn't meet with you. I was swamped.

Oh, no need to explain. I understand.

Something wrong?

Wrong with me? No, I'm great. I'm terrific.

Okay. Okay.

Was I some kind of, um, pride for you?

A what?

Conquest. You keep talking about how you want to avoid cliches, but what is

this? We sleep together, and then you bring a date.

Here. A date?

Is that what's got you upset, my date?

Is she your cousin or your sister or something?

No, she's my date.

to deal with you people. What are you, living in 1953?

All right.

We're both adults.

We had a little roll in the hay. What do you expect me to do? Take you to the

soda shop and ask you to wear my pin?

Ever since I met you, I had a feeling in my gut about you and my gut was wrong.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm officially apologizing, okay? You're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry that I

didn't take you seriously. You always take my nutty things seriously.

You think I'm being nutty? Well, yeah, a little. But I do think that we should

try to set a better example for Sarah.

Yeah, she's like a giant sponge right now. Whenever she sees us do it, it's

exactly what she's going to do. She's not a baby anymore. I know.

So from here on in, we'll really try to be the right role model for her.

Oh,

you're so cool.

With that big motorcycle.

Okay.

Okay?

Please stop moving.

Ed!

How's the boy?

Mr. Prescott. Mr. Kepler.

Well, what are you doing in here? Life is a cabaret, old chump. Why didn't you

come out and join the party?

How does it seem to be going?

It, uh, it...

Not very well, I'm afraid. It's like pulling teeth out there.

Yeah, well, you can't expect to fall back on the very first time you dip your

toe into the charity pond.

I talked to this lawyer this week who asked me how I could own a $150 watch

there's people starving in the world, and he's right, and I don't know why

people out there can't understand that.

Look, Ed, you are looking at a man who spent his lifetime helping the needy.

See that?

Mm -hmm.

Brightling. $1 ,800.

If everyone gave away everything...

No one would have anything. Now, they all know what they can give.

Don't pull teeth.

Mr. Prescott. Look, I'm sorry to cut you off, but if I don't get a rum and coke

in the next two minutes, I'm going to die.

He's quite a guy.

Yes, he is.

Excuse me, everyone.

May I have your attention, please?

Thank you.

When someone asks you to donate money to charity, how much should you give?

Well, why not everything?

Why not? If it's for a good cause, if it can help people, shouldn't you give

every last penny you don't absolutely need for yourself? Isn't that what logic

would tell you?

Well...

Charity isn't about logic. It's about feeling. So I'm very sorry if I've been

pushing you all to give until it hurts.

Giving should never hurt.

You should just give until it feels good.

We're here tonight because Leonard Prescott needs your help.

If we don't raise $100 ,000, the Prescott Foundation will have to close

doors. So I'm asking you to give. How much?

There's only one way to know, really. Just trust what's in here.

Thank you. Thank you for listening.

Okay, Mr. Prescott, Mr. Kepler, on behalf of Stucky Bowl, I am pleased,

and honored to present you with $107 ,452.

Whoa, Bosco, we don't have $107 ,000.

Pardon me? We didn't raise $107 ,000.

Well, what about the thermometer? You painted the thermometer for above $100

,000. Well, I was caught up in the moment. I mean, you know, it seemed like

thing to do. Everybody was getting really excited every time I painted it.

Uh, how much do we have?

$8 ,612 .35.

What? I'm just tooling on you.

107452, my friend.

Thank you, Ed. You're welcome.

Yeah, I'm not 100 % sure I can condone your methods, but thank you. You don't

condone my methods, but you're the one that inspired me to tell him to give

less. Yeah, but that cockamamie story of yours about the foundation going out of

business, that was very good.

Right. Right.

I'm sorry, sir. I guess I got a little desperate. Not a problem.

Rookie.

Hey.

Hi. I just came out to get a little air. Thanks.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

You know, I think I like it better when some jerk does something mean to me and

I get to be the one pretending to be fine.

I slept with him.

Ooh. Yeah.

And now I have to admit I was wrong about Dennis Martino.

Well, better to find out now, right?

Right.

So, what's the final tally in there?

107 ,000 canaries.

Wow. Yeah. I guess Ed's little giving is a feeling speech really hit home.

Absolutely. Sometimes you've just got to trust your gut.

Keyword. Sometimes.

Come on.

Let's go back in.

No one always cheers me up at times like these. What's that?

A ride on mechanical wool. Oh, no. Oh, yes.