Original subtitles

You know what I like about Thanksgiving?

What's that? It's not about presents.

No, it's not. It's not about fireworks. You know what it is about?

Tradition. Thank you, Tevye. I'm serious. You do one thing, it doesn't

what it is. Just do it over and over again, year after year. It starts to

something. Speaking of year after year, Ed, you sure you're going to be okay

this year?

Yeah, why? What's wrong with this year? You know, first holiday season without

Liz. Oh, you're referring to my excruciatingly painful divorce. No, I'll

fine. You sure about that? Because the first holiday season after something

that can be tough. You know what? I'll be fine. Seriously, I'm not even

about it. You don't think at some point you're going to... Okay, no, we don't

have to do it. We don't have to dwell on it. Ah, you see what I've done? What?

I've helped you launch a preemptive emotional strike.

Now that I've broached the topic of Liz, I can no longer sneak up on you.

You, my friend, are a shrewd master of the human psyche.

Yeah.

You see the manager over there?

Yeah. Ten bucks if you can get him to tell you where the lettuce is in under a

minute. What's the catch?

You can't call it lettuce.

What do I have to call it?

Lettuce.

There he goes.

Excuse me.

Yes.

I was wondering if you could tell me where the...

where the lettuce is.

The what?

What?

What's Latous?

You know, for sounds.

Lettuce? Yeah.

What kind of jackass calls it Latous?

I can keep by your side Watching the wide world

around me Hiding out I'll be coming next year

Five days till Turkey Day, sometimes.

I like to mix it up and call it Turkey Day.

Eddie, can I ask you a question?

Is this going to be about me getting through my first holiday since my

Yeah, maybe.

Listen to me carefully.

I'm not depressed.

I'm not going to be depressed.

Just so happens I love Thanksgiving, you know? I'm going to go down Wednesday

night to Sarasota and spend it with my parents. It's going to be great.

Everything's going to be fine.

We're just looking out for you, buddy.

I know you are.

But actually, there is maybe one thing you could do for me.

What's that?

I'd like to sleep with Nancy.

Just once. I'd like to sleep with Nancy just once.

I'd like it if you'd stop making jokes about our sex life just once, maybe.

you guys remember going to the Thanksgiving homecoming game? Oh, God.

the best. You two young lovers making out under the bleachers. Yeah, I

the 1987 Thanksgiving Day game.

Mike Burton reached second base right in the middle of the third quarter.

Yeah, he began trying to undo my bra in the middle of the first quarter.

Hey, remember shooting off the halftime cannon? The halftime cannon.

Mike, that was the best job we ever had. Remember how loud that thing was? It

was so loud.

I think it'd go off and bang!

You couldn't hear anything for ten minutes. I love that.

You know what the best Thanksgiving tradition of all time was?

Yes.

Skidball. Skidball. Oh, my God, that's right!

You guys know crazy skidball.

I never understood the appeal of flying around on a muddy football field like a

bunch of over -caffeinated squirrels yelling, Skidball!

Donnie, you're glossing over the game's nuances.

Skibble!

You think that sounds like me? Skibble!

Skibble!

I love Thanksgiving.

Mr. Stevens, my name is Gavin Schrader. This is my mother, Rita Schrader. Hi,

hello. Nice to meet you. Won't you please come in?

Enough with the pleasantries, Mr. Stevens. Let's cut to the chase, shall

We're in need of professional legal services.

Okay. Well, please sit down. What seems to be the problem?

My boy's shoulder was dislocated by a cantaloupe. He could have been killed.

Cantaloupe? October 31st. Halloween night.

Mackinac Lake. Several of my friends and I broke into a tiny lake shack. I hear

photos.

They went there to drink beer.

This is true. We're high school kids. Sometimes we experiment with alcohol.

This isn't right, but it's a fact of life.

Now, which one is you? I'm the one dressed as former Secretary of Defense

Weinberger.

Why not Casper the Friendly Ghost? That would be trite, sir. A luxury I don't

allow myself.

And may I continue?

Please continue.

Hang on a second. Is this... Is this Frank Jordan's old place?

You know it? Sure. We used to break into Frank Jordan's shack every Halloween,

too. Everybody did. I mean, it was the thing to do.

We... And wrong.

Very wrong. Completely wrong. And I've learned my lesson, Gavin.

It's... Right.

Moving on.

Apparently, Mr. Jordan does not look as fondly on this little tradition as do

we. So on the inside of his back door, he rigged a spring -loaded catapult

with, you guessed it, a large cantaloupe. I was the first in, and the

hit me in the shoulder.

I see. So you'd like to see him, Mr. Jordan?

Just for the medical expenses.

And to make a point, if that cantaloupe had hit Gavin in the head, I don't even

want to think about it.

Well...

I have to admit to having a soft spot for anyone who's broken into old Frank

Jordan's place.

Does that mean you'll take the case, Mr. Stevens?

Yes. Yes, I will.

So why don't you let me do a little research and both come back on Monday?

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Stevens. Call me Ed.

I'd prefer not to. Okay.

Come, mother.

Eight, there you go. Thanks, Ed.

See you.

Bosco, I need to borrow 500 bucks.

And don't say, what do I look like, a bank?

I would never say that. Come on, Ed, I need some green.

Moolah, clams, cabbage, do -re -mi, scratch, lucre, juice, rhino, booty,

and back, mint, baccal, jack trippers, bicycles, smackers, simoleons. Okay,

okay, so, good. What do you need $500 for?

An ingenious idea I think will impress and delight you. It's a simple two -step

plan. Here we go.

It's fill time.

Step one, I create a market craze for fine Corinthian turkeys. Step two, I

the people what they demand.

Fine Corinthian turkeys. What the heck are fine Corinthian turkeys?

They're regular supermarket turkeys that have been renamed, repackaged, and best

of all, repriced.

Okay, let me get this straight. You're going to buy regular supermarket

you're going to call them by some made -up name, fine Corinthian turkeys, and

you're going to sell them at a higher price.

You synthesized that very quickly, Ed. We could use a bright young man like you

in the executive suite.

You're not going to make any money selling repackaged turkeys.

I'm not selling turkeys.

I'm selling dreams.

So do you know a student named Gavin Schrader?

Yeah, sure. He's a senior in my honors English class. Why?

I'm just wondering what you thought of him.

He's bright.

A little bit odd, though, like a 50 -year -old man trapped in a high school

kid's body.

He just wants to be different, you know?

Kind of get a kick out of him.

Wait a minute. Is this about Frank Jordan's cantaloupe?

Cantaloupe. That's pretty good. I'm going to use that.

Yeah, but what Frank did was wrong. One of those kids could have gotten

seriously hurt.

No, I know. It seemed so much more harmless when we did it.

You used to break into Frank Jordan's place, too?

Every Halloween, my friend. I don't remember seeing you there.

Yeah, well, I remember seeing you there.

Especially the year you went as Catwoman. Oh, man, that was a good

Well, I can never quite decide if you're totally adorable or totally creepy.

I'm an enigmatic and an intriguing blend of both.

So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Well, no, Nick, so I thought I'd just, you know, hang out by myself.

You spent Thanksgiving alone?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I've never done it, and I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Black leotards and a little leather cat mask. Meow.

That got me and my friends through a lot of the winter.

Tipping the scale towards creepy.

I can live with that.

Mike, you're going to be here when my parents show up, right?

Yeah, of course. Why do you ask, Nance? Oh, honey, maybe because every time my

parents are here for any length of time, you come up with some excuse to figure

out a way to get out of the house. Honey, that's crazy. Oh, really?

Last year you left in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner to change the oil in

car. Because it just so happens I care about engine viscosity.

Y 'all.

Look, Nance, it's the same old problem, okay? It started on day one. It hasn't

gotten any better. It's never going to get any better. Mike, what is so

difficult about talking to my father?

The man refuses to start a conversation.

It's always up to me.

I say one thing, he says one thing back.

That's it.

We end up staring at each other.

Oh, come on, honey. It's not that bad.

You know what I'm going to do this year, man? You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to wait him out.

I'm going to stare at him and not say anything.

I don't care if we have to sit there all day.

We can just sit and stare.

Hello?

Hey, you guys.

Honey, we have bad news. We're not going to be able to be here for Thanksgiving.

Why? What happened?

A nice Norwegian couple we know from the club invited us to go to France.

You're spending Thanksgiving in France with Norwegians? It came up spur of the

moment. We got discount fares.

If you don't want us to go, we'll cancel.

We really will. No, no, no. Go, go. By all means, you got to go.

I'm worried about you. What are you going to do for Thanksgiving?

Don't worry about me, Mom. I'll be fine.

Dad, all those phone calls, I've been telling you what's going on in my life.

Are you watching TV or something?

It's time to end the feud. Don't be proud.

Dad, it's not a feud.

It's a divorce.

A feud is the Hatfield and McCoy shooting at each other with shotguns. A

is much less straightforward.

Listen, dear, we're supposed to meet some people at the pool.

Okay, yeah.

Have fun in France.

Good. We'll call you when we get back, okay? You take care of yourself, honey.

All right. We love you.

Love you, too.

Hey, guys.

Hey. I just talked to my parents on the phone, and it turns out they are

spending Thanksgiving in France with Norwegians. So I had this thought.

Let me be in charge of Thanksgiving this year.

Say what?

We'll have it at the bowling alley. It'll be great.

Have you ever actually made a Thanksgiving dinner before?

No, but I've eaten plenty of them. Hello, Mr. Red Flag.

It'll be fine. I'll call my mom. I'll get some recipes.

I'll make the Natalie Stevens famous pumpkin pie.

Sweet Belinda, mother of all that's righteous. That was some good pie, Ed.

pie. Good pie. Okay.

Eddie, it's a really lovely offer, but my parents are going to be here. My dad

takes his Thanksgiving meal really seriously.

Okay, you know, I mean, I just kind of thought that, you know, this being my

first holiday away from Liz, that, well, gosh, I thought that I'd, you know,

start a new tradition of my own, but, ah, heck, shucks, if you guys don't

Ed, cut it out. Cut it out, Ed. It makes you happy.

Thanksgiving's all yours.

Friends. Like the sign says of the world -famous cyclone at Coney Island, hang

on to your wigs and keys, for you are about to experience the very first ever

Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving.

I got my money on grease fire.

Oh, God, let him not screw it up.

Around the holidays is such a cliche that you actually get more depressed by

fact that you're getting depressed, which is, in itself, depressing.

Unless you get depressed on Arbor Day.

Then you're going to blaze new territory.

Hey!

Well, well, well, this is a fortuitous shopping coincidence. I just called you

guys. Guess who's cooking Thanksgiving dinner at the bowling alley?

B .B. Netanyahu.

Yes. No, me, Ed Stevens.

I'm inviting everyone. You guys in?

Sure. I mean, my parents are going to some charity thing anyways.

Wait, what am I thinking? You know what?

I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my grandfather.

Bring him along.

Nancy's parents are coming.

Thanksgiving is a holiday where people come together.

It's supposed to Arbor Day with pretty much every man for himself.

I just made a joke about Armour Day like two seconds ago.

Molly, you and I are like two peas in a pod.

So, you in?

Yeah, yeah, I'm game.

What about the blonde lady?

I don't know, Ed. I really... I had a vision of doing Thanksgiving on my own

this year.

Come on, Carol. This is the first time I've cooked a Thanksgiving meal by

myself. Who knows what could happen?

Come on, Carol.

What if the giblets explode?

Can you really afford to miss that? Can you really afford to miss that?

I guess I'll have to catch it on the news.

All right.

Suit yourself. But if you change your mind, look for the only Thanksgiving

taking place inside the bowling alley.

Ladies.

Now, I got these court transcripts. There's already been a criminal case, I

Indeed, Mr. Stevens. We pressed charges against Mr. Jordan for the catapult, and

he pressed charges against me for breaking and entering.

Both parties were found guilty and given slaps on the wrist.

Why didn't you use the same lawyer for the silver case?

He was incompetent.

I see.

He thought we had no case.

Okay.

Gavin, would you step outside for a second? Mr. Stevens, anything you have

say, you can say. Yes,

Mom.

Mr. Schrader.

You do have a case, but it's going to be closed.

On the one hand, there are laws and precedents that clearly state that it's

illegal to booby -trap your home. And on the other hand? On the other hand, your

son knowingly broke into a house with no trespassing signs posted everywhere.

I'm not sure what your point is.

Let me be blunt.

I'm going to have to put Gavin on the stand.

And it's going to be very difficult to convince a jury in a civil trial to

money to a kid who, pardon me for saying this, Mrs. Schrader, kind of comes

across as a middle -aged stockbroker.

I know.

Gavin's a little different.

It's just that he needs to come across as a normal high school kid just out

having fun with his buddies. Otherwise, the jury won't relate to him. We won't

have a chance.

I'll talk to him. Okay, good.

Excuse me one moment.

You are a tough guy?

Well, see how tough you are in somebody's prison, huh?

Are you smiling at me?

Are you smiling at me, boy?

Don't you ever, ever even think...

about smiling at me, boys? Kenny!

What are you doing?

I was just trying to scare him straight.

Oh.

Well, thanks. Good job.

Nice stuff. Why don't I take it from here?

Okay.

Great. Thanks, Kenny.

Sorry, Dad.

Apology accepted.

Okay, honey, get ready.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Frida. Hi, Mom.

Is she getting smaller since we saw her last?

Yeah, Mom, I gave birth to a shrinking baby.

Didn't you read about it in the Enquirer?

Mom, I planted flowers.

Oh, yeah.

Nance, are we okay on diapers? Because I can make a run to the store.

I'll make this incredibly brief. Did you see the no trespassing signs posted on

Mr. Jordan's house?

Yeah, like, I guess so.

If you had obeyed those warnings, would your shoulder be dislocated today?

Guess not.

All yours.

Gavin, you knew it was wrong to break into Frank Jordan's house. Why'd you do

it? You know, everybody, like... does it?

It's like kind of a dumb tradition. You know, we hang out.

Yo.

What was it like when the cantaloupe hit you?

Oh, man.

It was like, you know... It hurt.

Yes, very much so.

Your Honor, this cantaloupe halt sounds funny, doesn't it? Like something out of

a Tom and Jerry cartoon. It's not funny.

And with your permission, I would like to demonstrate for the jury just how

unfunny it is.

Objection.

Overruled. I think we all want to see this.

Now, let me walk you through this.

Quite an impressive instrument.

What we have here is a 30 -pound steel spring, which is loaded...

Mr.

Stevens?

I'm sorry, Your Honor. That...

Was it premature lunch?

Can I interest either of you two strangers who I have never before met in

turkey taste test?

Why not?

I have a little extra time before I pick up the kids at school. I will take this

turkey taste test as well.

Fantastic. Please approach.

I have here two cups brimming with turkey chunks.

Cup A, Cup B. Please sample each one, then tell me what you think.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Why, this is the finest turkey I've ever tasted. What kind of turkey is this?

Okay, do it. I don't think anybody heard you. Do it again, louder. Louder.

Mmm.

Why, this is the finest turkey I've ever tasted.

What kind of turkey is... It's fine Corinthian turkey.

It's a festival of flavor.

It's like a party in my mouth. I'll try the taste test. Excellent.

Oh, no, we're all out.

Where can I get fine Corinthian turkey? Don't panic, Stuckyvillians.

Fine Corinthian turkey will be on...

My God.

This is a nice surprise, and right on time, I might add.

Does this parsley look wilted to you?

That's parsnips.

Seriously? Is there a big difference?

Parsley tastes like parsley, and parsnips taste like parsnips.

I can see you're a professional teacher.

Ed. Hmm?

If it's not too late, can I still join you guys for Thanksgiving dinner?

You're missing Nick? Yes. Liz?

Yep. I was just sitting here thinking that Liz and I used to have this stupid

Thanksgiving tradition, which I realize will now be broken.

What's that?

It's dumb.

Well, we used to split the wishbone, and whoever lost would then scoop stuffing

onto the winner's plate and say, is that all you could think of to wish for?

It's lame. Very, very lame. But it's our own special brand of lameness, you

know? Yeah, I know what you mean.

Nick and I used to eat a sugared lemon every year, so I guess that's the end of

that. Sugared lemon?

Well, that's very poetic.

Because of the whole bittersweet relationship thing between... Yeah,

This was, um... This was going to be my first Thanksgiving alone.

And I wanted to spend it alone because I wanted to be one of those people who

really likes being alone.

You know?

I guess I'm just not quite there.

So, am I allowed back in?

Yeah.

In fact, I think we can even do better than that.

Why don't we cook Thanksgiving dinner together?

You and me. Why don't we cook Thanksgiving dinner together?

It'll be the perfect way to get through this, you know? We'll distract one

another. Maybe you're right. Of course I'm right. This will be fantastic. You

and me. It'll be great. You know, we'll keep an eye on one another, you know, in

case one of us starts to lose it, like an emotional buddy system. Yeah. And

when we do it, we get through this period of vulnerability, we've proven

something to ourselves. Yes. And then we'll celebrate by making sweet, sweet

love. Yeah.

What? Just a thought.

Ferberizing. Sounds like something you do to a pool deck, not a baby. No, it's

not that big of a deal.

It's a very accepted method of teaching a baby to sleep through the night.

A lot of people are doing it.

Well, a lot of people were doing the Scarsdale diet, too.

What does that mean, Mom?

Hey!

Why, it's the Oljasinski family.

Hey, Ed, how you doing?

I'm great, I'm great. How are you? Good. Good to see you.

Oh, Nancy.

I didn't know you had it.

Sister! You've been saying that for years.

Don't stop.

It's a tradition.

Hey, Mike, speaking of traditions, you know what I thought would be a blast?

What's that?

You and me playing skidball after the homecoming game.

Skidball? Yeah, what do you say?

No, I can't.

Why? You scared?

Eddie, we're not going to the homecoming game.

What? We're going to my grandfather's today.

You...

You too, Mike? Oh, come on. I haven't been back to the game in 10 years.

I need you to help me re -experience the canon in all its thunderous splendor.

Thunderous splendor?

Yeah. Since when did you start talking like a homosexual?

Mother! What?

Homosexuals have excellent vocabularies.

Compliment to Ed and to homosexuals.

What are you looking at?

Mr. Stevens, just checking out the game.

The game's over there.

Do you mind?

Some things never change.

You know, Gavin, you might not believe this.

I used to be a cannon puller.

Great job for me, you know. It made me stand out.

I didn't have the double -breasted suit idea.

Hey.

Do you mind if...

If I, you know, for a little time, say, she's all yours.

Oh, boy.

What

happened

in this thing?

It was changed six years ago after a lawsuit was brought by some parents via

Board of Ed. The parents claimed the sound of the cannon had damaged their

children's hearing.

That was kind of the fun of the whole thing.

Too bad.

Oh, hey.

You ever talk to the girl?

There's really no point in that, Mr. Stevens.

Yes, there is.

Trust me.

Ah, smell that clean, crisp air, pumpkins and leaves. Man, it really

back. I probably walked in this very same spot when I was a kid.

What were you like when you were a kid?

I bet you were a big goofball.

I wasn't big.

Actually, you know, from 76 to 84, I probably only had one thing in my mind.

What's that?

I'm a professional basketball player. Actually, you know what? That's not good

enough to be in a Natalie Stevens pumpkin pie.

That's true. I used to hang from a chin -up bar in my room to stretch myself.

Does that work?

6 '11", aren't I?

How about you?

As a little kid? Yeah.

Oh, I don't remember being a little kid. What do you mean?

Well, you know, my mom died when I was 12.

No, I didn't know that.

I can't believe I didn't know that.

Yeah. And my dad worked nonstop. I was the oldest, so I sort of filled in, I

guess. Made dinner, made sure my little sister was where she was supposed to be,

stuff like that.

Wow.

Here. You have that? Yeah. Thanks.

Oh, that's funny. You know, I think to me and, frankly, the rest of my loser

friends, we kind of always thought you were this happy, bouncy prom queen

cheerleader, you know? I don't think we ever thought your life actually had

details. Oh, yeah.

Yep, and here I am boring you with them.

You're not boring me.

Here we go.

Mr. Jordan, how many no trespassing signs would you say you posted on your

property? Fifty. Fifty!

They must have been everywhere.

They were.

I was sick and tired of these kids breaking into my weekend leg house every

Halloween. And why did you rig up a catapult?

Well, I'm an engineer by trade, so it just kind of came to me.

Hell, I tried everything else to stop him. I was at my wit's end.

Thank you.

Mr.

Jordan, do you remember me?

No, I can't say as I do.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I used to break in your weekend lake house every

Halloween, too.

Well, there was one time when you showed up with a shotgun.

You chased us out by waving it at us. But you didn't shoot at us.

Why not?

I wasn't about to kill somebody.

Why didn't you just shoot us in the leg, then? That wouldn't have killed us.

I would never take a chance like that. Really?

And yet you're comfortable launching a cantaloupe like a rocket at a bunch of

harmless, albeit trespassing, but harmless high school kids who are merely

taking part in a silly tradition that's been going on for years and years.

That's interesting, Mr. Jordan.

Nothing further.

Yeah, Randy, I'm on it. This is my seventh store today.

No, believe me, heads are gonna roll on this one.

Yeah, okay.

All right. Ciao.

What are you doing? Oh, hey, Phil Stubbs, domestic regional district

area manager.

And you are?

Godfrey Watkins. I'm the manager of this store. Oh, great. Well, you can help me

with the sign.

What's this all about?

What are fine Corinthian turkeys?

Godfrey, how long you been with us?

Why don't you? Okay, well, I'm going to trust you with some information that

could cost me my job. You know what snafu stands for?

Situation, normal, all fouled up. And believe me, the only reason I'm using

word fouled here is because we just met. Long story short, Gus DiCuso, Mr.

West Coast Big Shot, under -inventoried the fine Corinthian turkeys. They're

shipping his ass back to Albany, but that's a horse of a different feather.

Randy says best way to handle it, tell the customers we're sold out. Better

than them finding out we didn't order the fine Corinthian turkeys to begin

which makes us look like a bunch of Cub Scouts holding a hand to the damn jam.

Marie, take the tape. I'm going to smooth the edges.

Godfrey, I've got 46 stores to hit by the end of tomorrow. Are you part of the

problem or are you part of the solution?

Why did my client break into Frank Jordan's lake house on Halloween?

Did he do it to steal? No.

He did it because he's a normal high school kid who's taking part in a silly

tradition that's been going on for years. I did it myself. Many of us did.

And Frank Jordan grew frustrated.

He grew frustrated, so he rigged up a dangerous weapon. And when Frank Jordan

did that, he was taken to law into his own hands.

You can't do that.

That cantaloupe could have killed someone.

And Frank Jordan does not have the right to kill someone for breaking into his

weekend lake house.

Thank you.

You know, it's funny.

Mr. Schrader called it a dumb tradition.

Mr. Stevens called it a silly tradition.

You know what I call it? An illegal tradition.

What Mr. Stevens fails to realize is that not all traditions are meant to

Certainly not one that involves breaking into someone's home.

Gavin Schrader didn't have to have his shoulder dislocated. All he had to do

obey the 50 no trespassing signs posted on Mr. Jordan's property.

Thank you.

Madam Foreman, have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

In the matter of Gavin Schrader versus Frank Jordan, what say you?

We, the jury, find for the defendant, Frank Jordan.

I'm sorry. You fought the good fight, Mr. Stevens. That's all we could ask.

Mother, shall we go?

Thank you for trying.

Thank you.

I had an epiphany today.

What are you doing with the food?

We're not making this stuff.

That's the Natalie Stevens pie crust.

Out with the old and in with the new. Some traditions are not meant to last.

This isn't Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving.

As such, the start of a new tradition.

Yams. Put down the yams. You can't go backwards, Carl. You cannot go

So forget the pine cones and my mom's pumpkin pie. We must leap forward. We

having Thanksgiving dinner in a bowling alley. Is that not a leap forward? Yes.

Yes, it is. But why stop there? If the Indians and pilgrims had gone backwards,

they never would have sat down to dinner with each other. No, sir, they weren't

slaves to old traditions. They were forging new traditions, which is what we

must do here. Kenny!

Yeah, there you are.

Take this box to a shelter. We don't need it here.

Ed. Yeah?

Remember how we said we would look out for each other during the holidays in

case one of us started to lose it? Sure. You're starting to lose it. When it

gets like this, it's best not to ask questions. Just hang on for the ride of

your life.

That's the turkey. There will be no turkey served at the Edward J. Stevens

Thanksgiving. What are you going to make?

Follow me, fair one.

There goes one inspirational bastard.

Let them come.

Let them come!

Please form a single line in front of the table for the fine Corinthian

Kenneth, be a dear and bring me the first fine Corinthian turkey.

Behold.

It's fine.

It's Corinthian.

It is a turkey.

Looks good. How much?

$300.

What? What? What did you think I said?

$300. $300?

That's absurd.

$83.

I can get a turkey this size for 15 bucks at the supermarket.

Ah, but that would not be a fine Corinthian turkey.

Don't you want what's best for your family?

Buddy, I'm not paying $83 for a turkey unless it's made of solid gold.

Well, that's fine with me. You know what? You can go, because I have plenty

smart -paying customers here, sir.

If you think I'm paying $83, you are whacked.

Okay, okay, hold on, people. Hold on.

$29 .99.

It's my final offer.

We've got 50 turkeys. Okay, okay, okay.

Just lost my lease, clearance sale. Everything must go. $18.

All right, I'll take one for $18.

It cost us $17.

You're crazy.

Crazy like a fox.

Thank you, Kenny.

Step right up.

You two boys about ready to go?

In a minute, honey.

Okay.

That

Internet

is really something, huh?

What?

What?

That Internet is something, huh?

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is, Chester. The Internet is something, boy. The Internet really is

something amazing.

You certainly know how to start a conversation, Chester. Yes, you do. I

that. What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's out. Let's go, honey. Ed's waiting.

Welcome to the first annual Edward J. Stevens Thanksgiving. All right.

Trying to help?

Thanksgiving is about tradition.

And I'm very glad that you're all here today so we can start our own new

tradition. Who said that? In keeping with the spirit of starting new

we will not be eating turkey here tonight.

We're not going to have turkey for Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, he's kidding. Eddie does that. He's a kidder. You're kidding, right,

Eddie? It's good, because that's funny to say no turkey.

I'm not kidding.

But I think you'll all be very, very pleased. Carol, if you would. Can I just

clear this a little bit?

I don't know, whatever he made. I hope it's not overloaded with MSG. Gives me a

headache in the temples.

Live with the legs.

What the hell is that? My friends, you're looking at a 50 -pound meatloaf.

Big meatloaf.

What?

Come on, look.

Think about it, you guys. All across the country, everyone is eating turkey. But

not us. No, sir.

We're eating a 50 -pound meatloaf.

Who's first?

Mr. J.

Come on.

Slide that plate down here.

Let's grab you a little bit of meatloaf. I got an industrial -sized bottle of

ketchup in the fridge bigger than my head.

There you go. Slide that on over here. All right.

I'll just have some more. Ed, this thing is totally raw on the inside.

What? No. It is raw.

How can it be raw? I cooked it for 17 hours.

It's all right, dear. Why don't we just order something in? Well, I think

there's some salad. No, no, no. Hang on a second. This is important. Maybe if I

just shoved it in the microwave for an hour or two.

Mesdames and messieurs, Mr. Philip Stubbs is here once again to save the

had these cooked and ready to go as samples.

Let us now enjoy the traditional Thanksgiving meal of turkey, as did our

forefathers.

Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.

Don't somebody twice as smart as

I.

But somebody.

Thank you. Thank you, sweetie.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hey,

listen.

I made you a little doggie bag.

Delicious raw beef.

Come on. We made it. Yeah.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Good night.

That misery loves company.

Wait and see.

I mean, I want to be around to see how he does it

when he breaks your heart.

Hey. Hey, Mike.

What are you doing here?

I just came to see how you were. Ah, I'm fine.

Look, you know, Ed, getting through that first holiday, it can be tough on

people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you know why?

Because holidays are all about building memories, you know, and history and

tradition. You know, when I lost Liz, I think...

For me, those things went straight out the window, too, you know?

So what you're telling me here is you're a man without traditions.

Yeah, that's right. I mean, all the old traditions are gone anyway. I mean, the

kids can't break into Frank Jordan's place anymore. The halftime cannon

like a little pop gun. And as we're starting new traditions, well, I think

all saw how the old 50 -pound meatloaf went over tonight.

No traditions at all, huh?

No. No? Out of one?

No.

That's, uh, that's funny.

Why? Well, no, it's just, if you have no traditions, then I don't know what I'm

doing with these.

One regulation -sized football, one 200 -foot garden hose.

Mike, it's almost midnight.

That's the only way I'm going to get you to stop your damn whining.

Skitball pun!

One, two, three, skitball!