All language subtitles for ed_s01e06_home_is_where_the_ducks_are

People, all eyes on Senor Stunt.

As manager of Stucky Bowl, it is my
honor to introduce to you the CEO of

grand institution.

Let's give a big Apollo welcome for your
host, Mr.

Edmund Stevens!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Phil.
It's Edward, actually.

Woo! Testify!

I want to thank you all for joining us
on opening day of the very first annual

Stuckyville Bowling Tournament.

So without further ado, here to fire the
starter's pistol, say hello to his

honor, Mayor Wally Kendrick.

Before I trigger the old pistola, let me
just say this.

Election Day is drawing near, and my
opponent, Mr.

Ludwig, is making a lot of promises.

Now, in all my years... Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the
gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot

the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the
gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot

the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the

gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot
the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the
gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot

the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the

gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot
the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the
gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot

the gun! Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun!

Shoot the gun!

son to me.

Anyway, um, I just really appreciate you
lending some dignity to the

proceedings. Well, being the mayor of a
small town does have its privileges, and

I suppose emceeing a half -ass bull -a
-thon is one of them.

All due respect, sir, this is a full
-ass bull -a -thon.

Of course it is.

Stevens, I need your help with
something.

Sure. I want you to represent the town
of Stuckyville in a legal matter.

Wow. What's the problem?

Come by my office tomorrow.

You got it.

Donnie, I want to speak.

Never thought I'd see the day. Ed
Stevens working for the man.

I'm the sky tonight.

I can keep by your side Watching the
wild

Like Walt Disney. Exactly.

Exactly. Except now that Nick and I have
split up, I can thaw myself out and

start to live my life.

Well, all we need is a walk -in
microwave.

Moss, I'm serious.

I finally figured out what I want, and
I'm ready to go for it.

No, Ed, you're a handsome man.

Thanks, Mike.

Just thought I'd dress it up a little
bit for my meeting with the mayor.

Does that make you feel uncomfortable,
me calling you handsome?

I don't know.

No, it shouldn't. I don't see any reason
why one man can't compliment another

man on his looks. Women do it all the
time.

That's true.

You think I'm handsome? Yes, Mike,
you're a handsome man.

What do you think my handsomest feature
is?

Forehead. Hey, you got it.

Right too late to bowl in the
tournament?

Not at all, Mr.

Mustachio. But in order to qualify,
you'll have to pass this written exam.

What? You have one minute, starting...
now.

True or false, when combined at
atmospheric pressure, hydrogen and

produce an exothermic reaction, what's
that got to do with bowling?

51, 50, 49... Phil, I gotta go see the
mayor. Keep an eye on things, will you?

I serve at the pleasure of the president
of Stucky Bowl.

Super.

True or false, Asian women are really
hot.

Hey, I'm not... Are you listening to me?
Shh, just a second.

What the hell are you looking at?

The future of American bowling.

Hi, I'm Ed Stevens.

Hello, Mr. Stevens.

Such a well -groomed boy.

Thanks, I'm here to see the mayor.
Lovely.

Is that a rented suit?

Uh, no, it's mine.

Such a young man to own a suit.

Should I just wait here, then?

Oh, goodness, no. Just go right in.

Oh.

Pardon me.

Uh, Debbie, take a ten -minute break.

I paint naked people. So I see. Had to
find something to fill the time.

Being mayor of Stuckyville ain't exactly
a pressure gig.

Debbie?

Beefsteak tomato. What is your name?

Kevin Schwartz. Not anymore. It's not.
From now on, you're Shazam Jacobson.

What? That's your bowling name. You can
win this tournament, Shazam, but it's

going to take work. Because fame costs.

And right here is where you start
paying.

I'm swept.

Who are you?

I'm your new trainer. Your mentor.

Your sensei, if you will.

Thanks, but I don't really need... Why
aren't you in school?

It's lunch period.

Okay, rule number one, stay in school.
Rule number two, stay off the pipe.

You been chasing the dragon, Shazam?

I don't really know what that means.

Look, uh... Sensei.

Okay, uh, thanks for offering, but I'm
doing okay on my own. Oh, okay, my

mistake. I didn't realize you were
bowling perfect games. I guess we 300

hardly need lessons now, do we? Wait,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can

300?

I'm sorry, were you talking to me?

All right, fine. When do we start?

We already have.

Be here tomorrow, 5 a .m. 5 a .m.? Are
you kidding?

Rule number three.

Never question your sensei.

Care for a Toblerone? No, thanks.

You sure? They're triangular.

Okay, then.

So... How can I help you, Mr. Mayor?

Does that answer your question?

Um, no.

The last five editions of Guide to Small
Town, USA.

Go ahead, take one.

Okay.

Turn to page 330.

Hey, there's a section on Stuckyville.

Read the rating.

Um... Three stars out of five.

That's what they give us every year.

Three lousy stars.

You know what that means? It means
average.

I mean, what a crock.

Stuckyville is a cute, quaint, but
utterly unremarkable little hamlet. Does

sound like Stuckyville to you?

Of course not.

Although, I like the word hamlet.

Well, even Jasper Town gets three and a
half stars.

Well, what do they got that we don't
got?

That damn Ferris wheel.

Now, how do I fit into this?

The next edition's hitting the stands
three days before the election.

I want you to sue the publisher and keep
the thing out of the bookstores.

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Mayor.

This hardly qualifies as slander. They
do have a right to their opinion.

Walk with me, Stevens.

I've never actually seen anybody wear
one of those. You know, besides the

Monopoly guy.

What good is being mayor if you can't
scroll the streets with a monocle

jauntily in your eye socket? I hear you.

You know how long I've held this office?
As long as I can remember.

30 damn years.

Until now, I've always run uncontested.
You know why?

Why? Because people love me.

You see that bookstore?

Been here since 1922.

Last year, one of them big kings wanted
to move in.

You know what I told him?

What? I told him to kiss my stockavilion
ass.

You know why?

What? Because Mrs.

McGreevy there is special.

There's nothing special about a chain
store. I'd have to agree.

A lot of people don't.

Including my opponent, Jim Ludwig.

Son of a bitch wants to turn the town
into a strip mall.

What does this have to do with that
guidebook, though?

Duckyville doesn't get a lot of national
attention.

So when it does, the townspeople notice.

But right now, I need for them to feel
good about this place.

I get it. Otherwise, they'll just start
listening to Jim Ludwig.

I mean no disrespect, Mr. Mayor, but I'm
just a little uncomfortable taking what

essentially amounts to a campaign job,
especially when I'm not familiar with

either candidate's platform.

Well, there's a debate tomorrow.

I'm right here in the town square.

Well, come and see for yourself.

Okay, I'll be here. And for God's sake,
bring a noisemaker.

You know, one of them babies.

Okay.

Hey.

Carol. Hey.

Hi, Ed.

Hi. What you got? Oh, what you got here?
Just, um, just some books. Whoa.

Oh, okay.

I get it. No need to be embarrassed.

About what?

Your giant sack full of pornography.

They're travel books, Ed. I have decided
to leave town.

That's an excellent idea.

I could use a vacation myself.

Hey, you know what I hear is good this
time of year? This might surprise you.

Finland. I meant I have decided to leave
town for good.

What? What?

Boy, that's crazy talk. What kind of
crazy talk is that? It's just something

have to do.

Why? Because I have wanted to be a
writer since I was eight years old. How

novels have I written?

Um, nine. Zero.

Zero. Zero. And you want to know why?

Because of Nick Stanton. I couldn't do
anything with him.

It's like, it's like being Shakespeare's
girlfriend, you know. Oh, hi. Hi, I'm a

writer, too.

Now that we've split up, I feel like I
can really give this a shot.

You want to write. You want to write.
That much I get. But writing is just

sitting in a room with a pad and pen.
What difference does it make where the

room is?

Ed, I have spent my entire 20s within a
five -mile radius of where we are

standing right now.

How am I supposed to be a writer if this
is all I know?

What about Nick Stanton? I mean, he's
still here. He's cranking out books like

human... book cranker out of... Whether

Nick Stanton is here or isn't here has
nothing to do with it.

As a matter of fact, even if you weren't
here, I would still want to leave.

That's not my point.

Jeez, what, are you mad at me now?

No, I... This whole subject is so
embarrassing.

Can we please forget it?

Okay.

You look weary, my child.

It's 5 a .m. Of course I'm weary.

Ah! You must remove your shoes before
entering my dojo.

Sock, too.

I've checked the chart. Your next
opponent is Chip Williams.

I've seen this man bowl. He's a monster.
And you're not going to beat him unless

you know the answer to this question.
Are you ready? Yeah. What's the most

important part of the body in bowling?

The brain.

Okay, wait. You're supposed to go the
arm, because that's what everyone

Then I'm supposed to go, no, the brain.

And then you go, oh.

Let's try it again.

The arm?

No.

The brain.

Oh.

You have wisdom, child.

Stop calling me child.

So, uh, Nance, who do you think is
handsomer, me or Ed?

Honey, I think you're both very
handsome.

Yeah, but one of us has to be handsomer
than the other. We both can't be at the

exact same level of handsome.

Okay, Ed.

Hey,

guys. Hey, Malz. Hey, Malz.

What's going on?

Carol's talking about leaving town.

Yeah, yeah, I heard.

You can just see it. I'm going to be
hanging with the lunch ladies.

Mike, don't worry about Carol. She's not
going anywhere.

I don't know, Ed. She sounded pretty
serious to me.

No, no.

Ed's got it under control.

Ed, don't refer to yourself in the third
person. It makes you sound like a

jackass.

Mike, I'll give you ten bucks if you go
over there and call that guy

Mommy.

Not a problem, man.

There he goes.

There he goes.

Excuse me, Mike Burton.

Joe Hollenbeck. I'm a friend of Uncle
Jerry.

Oh, sure. Right, right. How are you? Oh,
great.

You know, I was just playing tennis with
Jerry last week. He couldn't be prouder

of his nephew, the doctor. Well, that's
great to hear.

Maybe I can stop by your office. My
back's been killing me. Oh, yeah. Stop

any time. Sure. Good to see you, Mike.

You too.

Mommy.

You just called me mommy.

I recommend Doan's Pills.

Be back.

You have so many problems.

Nice. Very strong.

There he is. Jim Ludwig.

Hey there, my friend.

Smile.

So familiar.

Didn't you sell in the waterbed store?

Yeah, still does. Waterbed world.

Oh.

Oh, what?

I lost my virginity at Waterbed World.

Mike, ugh.

The back door was never locked. Never
locked.

Oh, well, I guess he's got your vote.

Mr. Ludwig, your campaign slogan is Vote
Ludwig for a Change.

What do you hope to change, and why?

By maintaining Stuckyville's archaic
zoning regulations, Mayor Kendricks

us the pleasures and conveniences of
modern life.

Denies us, I dare say, the three rights
most sacred to Americans.

The hamburger served in under 30
seconds.

Oh, please.

The cappuccino prepared by a trained
barista.

This is ridiculous.

And the seven -night video rental.

Seven nights? Are you making money off
that?

I say bring it on.

Because Jim Ludwig doesn't want to live
in a three -star town.

You have ten more seconds.

Vote for me.

Mr. Kendrick, your rebuttal.

Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you, don't
let this waterbed salesman ruin our

town. Don't let him turn Stuckyville
into a car...

Every place else in America.

What's wrong with America?

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

Good luck, Mayor. Good speech.

Mr.

Mayor, I'd like to help you out. I need
all the help I can get. I'm losing them,

Stevens. Who publishes that guidebook?

Holstrom and Company in Chicago.

I'll contact them today and we'll see
what happens.

Why, thank you. And Stuckyville, thank
you. It'll be my pleasure.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

I'm really sorry I snapped at you the
other day. I didn't mean... Forget about

that.

Hey, um, I happen to have the perfect
solution to your problem.

Pine Forest Refuge, a place for the
creative to create. It's one of those

writers' communities.

About an hour's drive from here.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard of it. It's
supposed to be amazing, but you see, you

to be a real writer to go there.

Well, then I guess you're a real writer.

What do you mean?

I registered you for a weekend retreat.
It begins this afternoon.

I have a six -period class.

Molly's going to cover for you.

How did you get me in here?

The guy that runs the place is buying a
house. I told him I'd handle the

contracts for free.

Oh.

You really shouldn't have.

And yet I did.

Excuse me.

Ed Stevens?

Yeah.

Judy Hellman. I'm with Holstrom &
Company.

Guide to Small Town, USA.

I just spoke to Mr. Holstom yesterday.
How'd you get here so fast?

I was in the area visiting Jaspertown.

Jaspertown, yeah.

Three and a half star Jaspertown.

You know, that Ferris wheel killed a
guy.

Uh -huh.

You're wasting your time if you feel us.
You don't have a case.

So you came here to talk me out of it?

No, I came here to do some fact
-checking so in case you are crazy

something, we can prove our information
is accurate.

Ah, well, great.

Because once I give you the grand tour
of this town, you'll see the town that

people are anything but average.

Oh, Phil, what you doing?

I thought you were cuing me for my wacky
entrance.

Okay, Judy, your tour of Phoenix,
Duckyville now begins.

You know what? I don't need a tour
guide.

I've already seen everything.

Oh, really?

Then I guess you've tried a siziccio.

A what? I thought so. Come with me.

Duckyville cuisine ranges from blah to
eh.

That's very cute.

Thank you.

Highly inaccurate.

Highly inaccurate.

I envy you, Judy Hellman, for you are
about to taste your very first suzichio.

I've had thousands of these things, but
what I would not give to go back in time

to re -experience my very first bite.
What is a suzichio? Well, it's a

specialty. It can only be found right
here in Stockville.

Excuse me.

Two suzichios, please.

Oh, we no longer serve suzichios. What?

Why not?

Well, the guy who made them is in the
county lockup. He drove his Camry right

through his ex -wife's living room
window.

Well, um...

What do you got?

Hot pocket.

Hot pockets.

People love them.

Good Lord.

Oh, look, we have someone new.

Come, come.

Hello. Hi.

I'm Joel.

And you are?

I'm Carol Betsy.

No last names, Carol. Here at Pine
Forest, our ideas are our identity.

I'm really sorry that I was late. Carol,
there's no such thing as late at Pine

Forest. In fact, there's no such thing
as time.

Please give me your watch.

My watch? I'll return it to you when you
leave our grounds.

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

Thanks.

All right, then.

Carol! Why don't you tell us a little
about yourself?

I live in Stuckyville, and I teach
English at the high school.

My turn -ons are fast cars and moonlit
walks on the beach.

Tell us about a walk on the beach that
had special meaning for you.

That was just a joke.

No, no, no, no, no. Carol, don't censor
yourself.

Share with us.

What do you want me to do?

You're standing on a windswept beach.

The moon bathes you in its pale white
glow.

In the crashing of the waves against the
shore, you hear, Carol!

Carol! Carol!

I'm so sorry.

I'm really so sorry. I think this just
might be a little too much for me to

handle on my first day, you know?

I understand.

You're out of the hot seat.

For now.

Great.

So, before you arrived, we were
discussing the role of bird imagery in

Lark by Nick Stanton.

Could I have my watch back?

Do I really have to meet your barber?

You should be asking, do I really get to
meet your barber? You see, Judy, you're

a casual observer.

Stuckyville's like any other small town.

People like Mr. Wilkes make it special.

What's so special about him?

Nobody but nobody tells a story like
this guy.

Every time you sit in this barber chair,
the man spins a different yarn. He's

like the American Mark Twain.

Mark Twain was American.

Yeah, but if Mark Twain were Chinese,
Mr. Wilkes would be the American Mark

Twain. Oh.

Mr. Wilkes.

Hey, Mr. Wilkes.

Hello, Ed. Say, those sideburns are
really starting to fill in in another

of years. Okay, Mr. Wilkes, thanks a
lot. Hey, this is my friend Judy. How

a story for Judy? Which one do you want
to hear?

Well, the one about the bear.

As a kid, I loved the one about the
bear.

All right.

So, my buddy Marv and I are out camping
in the woods. We're sitting around the

campfire heating up a can of beans.
Suddenly, there's a rustling sound, and

look over toward the tent.

And there's a bear pawing through our
food.

And Marv leans into me and says, George,
we got company.

And that's the story.

No, no, no. Okay, Mr. Wilkins, you mind
trying it again? But this time, the

voice. Use the voice.

What voice? The voice. You seem to think
Marvin's voice is funny. It's funnier

that way. It's really funny that way.
It's funny, funny, funny.

Lord, we got company.

Try doing it more scared.

Lord,

we got company.

Yeah.

Wouldn't Chester, we got company?

Well, my name's George, not Chester, so
probably not.

You still got it, Mr. Wilkes.

Ha!

You've made it to the final four, my
friend.

Congratulations.

Thanks. No, no.

Never accept my congratulations.

When you start to believe what they say
about you, it's over.

Now I want you to watch what I do.

Then do the same.

I am the ball.

I see what the ball sees.

I do what the ball does.

I am the ball. I am the ball. I am the
ball.

All right, well, if this doesn't impress
you, nothing will, my friend, for you

are about to see the world's greatest
bowling artist. Yes, well, I've already

been here. Ah!

You didn't get the grand tour.

You might want to shield your eyes, lest
you be blinded by the grandeur.

You're not going to shield?

I am the ball, I am the ball, I am the
ball, I am the ball, I am the ball, I am

the ball, I am the ball, I am the ball,
I am the ball, I am the ball.

I am the ball.

I am...

Coblerone?

Hello. May I see the mayor? Of course.

But not until you give me a seven
-letter word for tiny TV tot.

That would be Webster.

I'm going to make you a key lime pie.

Oh, no, you don't have to. Key lime pie.

If you insist.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me.

Godfrey, wait outside.

Feel free to use the phone.

Godfrey.

Mayor Kendricks, we need to talk. Do you
mind taking Godfrey's position?

I don't want to break my rhythm here.

Okay.

You see, I came here because... You're
going to have to squat.

Okay.

You were saying?

Well, I just find I'm having a really
hard time getting through to this woman,

Judy. Oh?

You know, I thought it'd be easy.

As a kid growing up here, everything
seemed special. But now, ten years

don't know.

I'm just at a little bit of a loss.

Ed, I like to think of myself as an
artist.

Yeah, so I've noticed.

Well, my...

Paintings are junk.

The only piece of work I'm proud of is
this town.

I put a touch of green here, a splash of
blue there.

And if you hold the damn thing up to a
certain light, I think it's beautiful.

Me too.

And like a painting, it has a way of
changing time.

I mean, if you look at a rim rack when
you're 15, and then again when you're

you find a whole new set of things to
fall in love with.

The latest polls have Jim Ludwig 15
points ahead.

You can't quit on me, Stevens.

Your town needs you.

You're making me feel like Batman.

I'm sorry, son. I don't follow the funny
papers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you
going?

Back to Chicago. No, you can't. You
mustn't.

Ed, we'd normally visit a town this size
for a couple of hours at most.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't
leave.

Because if you leave, you'll miss it.

What will I miss, Ed? Only the most
cherished historical traditional event

the Stockieville calendar.

And what would that be?

The festival.

The ducks.

The festival of ducks.

What's the Festival of Ducks? I have no
idea.

Whoa, Shazam, hang on there, partner.
Here, pound this down for a smart drink.

Get those synapses firing.

This is grape soda.

I'm done with you, Phil. I'll be coming
in every day at 5 a .m. and neither of

us ever touched a bowling ball.

My teaching methods may be unorthodox.
No, no, no. You know what?

I'll bet you can't even bowl.

Phil Stubbs can bowl.

Yeah. Now that I think of it, I've never
seen you bowl either, which is strange,

seeing as you live in a bowling alley.

Yeah, let's see you bowl, Sensei.

Very well, then.

There's nothing wrong with a six.

I knocked down more than half the pins,
okay? There was no shame in a

gentleman's six.

Where are you going? I got 60%. If a
presidential candidate got 60 % of the

vote, that'd be considered a landslide.
I've got a mandate, Shazam!

Hey, Carol.

Don't mind them.

Why aren't you at Pine Forest?

Um, actually, you know, it just wasn't
for me. I'm sorry. I really, I wanted to

thank you for trying, though.

Oh. So what now?

I gotta do this.

Why is it suddenly my lot in life to
convince women not to leave Stuckyville?

What? Carol, maybe leaving here would
help you, right?

Maybe it wouldn't. I don't know.

Is that really why you're leaving?

You see, when I left New York, I was
running away from my problems.

You know, shipwrecked marriage,
capsizing career.

I was adrift.

These are my boating analogies. And I
just put everything behind me, and I

focused all my energy on something else.

Someone else.

I think you know her.

Mm -hmm.

But you see, try as I might, I couldn't
leave my problems in New York.

I had to face them anyway.

So my message to you would be, yeah, you
can leave if you want to.

Just don't run away.

Besides, simple fact of the matter is,
you can't live without me.

What? Ah, you can run away to Guam, or
Borneo, or Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, or

God knows where. A couple of weeks,
you'll be making a beeline right back to

Stuckyville. Y, capital E, lowercase d.

You've got to be kidding me.

Okay,

everybody. I've gathered you here
tonight because there's less than 24

until the Festival of Ducks. The what?

She asked, writing the answer.

In Orleans, there's Mardi Gras, New
York, the Thanksgiving Parade. Now,

Stuckyville has the Festival of Ducks.
It's up to the people in this room to

decide what the heck that's going to be.

Who's with me?

All right. If it'll help me or Kendrick,
I'm in. Yeah, yeah, me too.

That Jim Ludwig gives me the creeps. I
am, as always, your loyal foot soldier.

Thanks, Phil.

Mike?

I'm allergic to goose down.

Is that going to be a problem?

Shouldn't be.

I'm in.

Let's do it.

Hey, do your kids like Pokemon?

Well, Joe Pokemon is going to be there.
He totally, like, invented that garbage.

Hey, you like sex?

Come to the Festival of Ducks.

All right.

Don't be fooled by the name, Father. The
Festival of Ducks is all about Jesus.

Wherever it says ducks, think Jesus.

Festival of ducks.

Tonight it's ducky ball.

See you there.

Please tell me Ed talked some sense into
you. Oh, you know, I think he's missing

the point. I'm not running away.

I'm running toward.

Young Carol Dessie has set out to see
the world and maybe even discover

along the way. Mom, be gentle. This is a
big deal for me. Yeah, well, it's a big

deal for me too, you know.

You're my best friend.

And you're my best friend. That's why I
can't believe you would even consider

trying to hold me back.

You know what?

You're right.

You're right. I mean, to hold you back
from something that could further your

career would be very selfish of me. Yes,
it would.

Except for one thing.

I don't buy it.

What? Not a word of it. No sale.

Sorry. What don't you buy? This whole
gotta leave to be a writer thing.

It's a little bit much, don't you think?

I mean... I have to abandon my cherished
home and my beloved friends for the

sake of my art.

Come on, that's not you, Carol.

It's a little too... Nick Stanton.

What? Look, I have held my tongue for
seven years because I knew how much Nick

meant to you. But you know what?

The dam just broke. Nick Stanton is a
Class A, top -of -the -line jerk. And

know what else? He doesn't even deserve
to be a jerk. His books suck.

Shadowlark? What kind of tool will call
this book shadow lark? I mean, come on,

the guy thinks he's Ernest Hemingway
when, frankly, he's not even Ernest

Borgnine. Miles, and what's worse, he
treated you like crap, okay? Like a

girl, and every time you walk by him in
a hall or on the street and he gives you

one of those smug looks, he makes you
see yourself the way he sees you.

And that, my friend, is why you are
leaving town.

I'm sorry.

That's right.

You're running away.

Okay, I'm done talking now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The year 1784, the town of Stuckyville
was founded by a man named Jeff Stucky.

No relation to the restaurant chain.

While swimming in the town pond, Jeff
developed a severe foot cramp and

to drown.

Miraculously, a family of ducks began
swimming into his body, slowly nudging

toward the shore.

Every year at this time, we celebrate
the glorious bird that saved our

life. Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you... The Duck!

I want to see you there enjoying
yourself.

Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.

Look,

it means that much to people.

I'll give you four stars.

That's great.

Well, that's great.

Ed, did you do all of this for me? You
did.

No.

No, I did it for Stucky.

Whenever the mayor flashes the edge
signal, I spring into action.

Do what?

You know, the edge signal.

Like the bat signal.

From Batman.

Step right up, step right up. Fool the
getter, win a duck.

All righty, miss. Let's see. I'm
guessing you tip the scales at an even

No? Well, don't tell me you're busting
the dude.

Oh, hey, Mr. Mayor. Hey, guess what?

Judy's giving us four stars.

Really? Well, how about that?

Well, seriously, would it kill you to
bump us up to five?

Don't push your luck.

Ed, I want you to have this.

Oh.

I do believe I captured your raw animal
sexuality.

Oh, dear God.

Four stars, Mom. Molly Gaspard -Town can
kiss my stuck -a -billion ass.

Okay. You know what? You have been
spending too much time with Mayor

Hey, Carol.

Hello. I thought maybe to clean up the
crew could use a little snack.

No.

Those cevicheos are red.

Yeah, when I heard they were shutting
down, I bought a whole freezer full of

them. Oh, my.

She's very smart. She is. Um, okay. So
talk to me. Are you staying? Are you

going? What?

Actually, I have decided...

To postpone my travel plan.

But this is not because I can't live
without you.

Then why?

Let's just say you weren't wrong about
everything.

I wasn't wrong about anything. Please,
Carol, it's plainly obvious you cannot

resist me in the big, wacky duck suit.

Do you see this?

This is me resisting you.

Look at you.

You were just dying to climb in here
with me.

All right, if you keep this up, you're
going to be hanging in the window of a

Chinese restaurant.