All language subtitles for ed_s01e01_pilot

Thought he had the perfect life.

Attorney at a prestigious law firm.

Loving wife.

Plenty of hope.

That is, until now.

Mr. Farmer, Mr. Sheehan, I am already
well aware of my mistake.

I misplaced a comma.

I did this, I take full responsibility
for it.

Gentlemen, one misplaced comma in a 500
-page contract.

This happens to the best of them.

Right? We're letting you go.

What?

That comma cost the firm $1 .6 million.

At least his wife's at home to comfort
him.

Oh, my God. You're the mailman. He's not
the mailman. He's a mailman. He just

happens to be one.

He met a couple of weeks ago at
Starbucks.

What? Now he's drowning his sorrows in
high school memories.

Oh, Bessie.

She's so pretty.

At times like these, there's only one
place to go. Back home to Stuckyville.

To see old friends.

To visit the old high school. Stephen? I
heard Carol Bessie teaches here. Is

that true? You and Carol Bessie were
friends?

I don't know if I'd call us friends
exactly. It was more like we were...

Strangers. And ask out the girl he's
always dreamed of. Yes. Carol Bessie, my

name is Ed Stephens, and I would like to
take you out to dinner tonight.

Who are you?

Ed. Stephen.

You like Italian food?

I don't think I know you, Ed Stephens.

We went to high school together.

Oh, God.

Carol. Come on. Mr. Stanton.

Who the hell are you?

It's Stephen.

I had you for sophomore English. I used
to think you were the coolest teacher of

all time. So cool.

Yeah, great.

Carol, come on, baby, don't be like
this. I've got an explanation.

I don't want to hear any more of your
explanations, Nick. You've been gone for

three days. Three days, not a word from
you. I can't do this anymore, Nick.

Call Mr. Stanton, Nick.

And if at first you don't succeed...
Look left, little Ed.

Try. Do you want to go to the pond?

I haven't been to the pond at night
since I was in high school.

And try again.

How about if I blow a straight back with
my eyes closed between my legs and go

to the pond then?

What? Knock him down, Ed!

There he goes!

Well,

you see what's happening here, don't
you?

What's that?

I'm starting to grow on you.

And on his last night in town, Ed
Stevens found out sometimes you do get a

second chance.

How about the bowling alley? You didn't
do this because of what happened last

night, did you?

What are you nuts? Of course not. Okay.

My entire life by a bowling alley simply
because we did.

You're too much.

Watching the wild...

No, Ed, they have these things nowadays
for moving. What are they called?

Oh, yeah, boxes.

Now you tell me.

Hey, Mike, I've been thinking.

You know, I really want to pay you guys
rent.

There's no way we're taking your money.

I know.

That's why I offered.

Sometimes after she eats, she has a
tendency to get a little colicky. So if

fusses, here's what I like to do.

I pick her up like this, and I see love.

And I hold her straight out, up and
down. I know it seems crazy, but it

works. I get my face real close to her,
then I go, ah.

It'll be just like those sleepovers we
used to have, remember?

Staying up all night, eating pizza,
playing Atari.

Right until you fell asleep and crazy
glueing your hand to Jerry Herman's ass.

Jerry Herman's hand to my ass. That
makes you feel better?

A little bit.

So do

you think I should call Carol today?

Sure, why not? I think I should hold off
for a bit. Let her dangle. Make her

wonder if I'm interested. Ed, I'm a
married man. I'm done with that strategy

crap. Because I got the mo now. The big
mo. I got the momentum.

I don't want to move too slow. Too slow?
Ed, your wife dumped you, what, two

weeks ago? She didn't dump me, okay?
Slept with a mailman, yes, but I dumped

her. Relax, buddy. I'm on your side.

Hello, Sarah.

This is your mommy.

And this is Mommy Vision.

Broadcasting live from Mommy World.

All mommy.

All the time. Joanne, just let this
video play all day. And then when it

just rewind it and play it again. At
three o 'clock, can I watch Queen

Sure.

What the hell is this?

I taped myself reading some children's
books because I thought it might help

Sarah get through the day without me.

That's not because you're worried she
doesn't recognize you anymore?

No, Mike, it has nothing to do with me.
This is for Sarah.

It's underground.

Into the night we shine.

Light in the way we drive by.

Catch me if I get too high.

Sorry, buddy, we're not open yet. I'm
going to have to ask you to vacate the

premises. Who are you? I work here. They
call me Phil. That's like my street

name. Street name? Real name is Philip.

Dropped the ip in high school. Never
looked back.

And you are?

I'm Ed Stevens, the new owner.

I'm sorry.

Would you mind repeating that?

I said, I'm Ed Stevens, the new owner.

Danny Thomas.

The man was a comic genius.

So, have you heard? Heard what?

Mr. Edward Stevens is backing down.

Oh, really?

Oh, really. That's it? That's all you
got?

I could throw in a that's nice if it
would make you happy. Come on, Carol.

You mean to tell me you're not
interested in him?

No, not in that way.

And you don't feel any sort of
obligation?

Oh, why should I?

Because you kissed the guy and he bought
a bowling alley. Oh, Molly, please. It

did not happen that way at all, and you
know it. Well, you're lucky you didn't

sleep with him. He would have got a
strip mall.

Okay, so you live on Lane 16. My
landlord and I had some creative

All right, well, you just move that all
the way when the customers show up,

right? Customers? No, the bowlers. Oh,
Ed, no, no, no, no. This place is as

as my Aunt Frances.

What? No, I was in here a couple of
weeks ago, and it was busy as hell.

must have been late night, dude. Once a
month.

Do you want to buy some steaks?

What? Kobe beef, my friend. Imported
from Japan. So tender you can eat it

spoon. Japanese, they call this red
gold.

Talk to me.

This is all very bad.

Plus, things are really good with me and
Nick right now. And today is... Oh,

he's taking me away for the weekend.

Well, that's great.

All right, I'm going to dissect some
frogs now. Have fun. Okay, class. First

to faint gets a lollipop.

Hey, Kat.

Miss Fessy. Warren.

Listen, um, I know that you're probably
really busy molding the future of

America. But, uh, I was wondering if I
could get some help after class.

With what?

With, um, well, I'd love to get your
take on the great Bard of Avalon.

With Shakespeare, I mean. Yeah, yeah, I
got that. Um, you know what, Warren? My

schedule is really tight today. Victor?

Um, Warren, what do you say we get
together after class tomorrow?

Are you serious? Sure.

All right, cool.

Whatever.

Cool.

Okay.

Well, hello, everybody.

I'm sure by now the staff is all abuzz
with rumors about me, or you're probably

wondering, hmm, who is this Ed Stevens?

Well, let me tell you.

Ed Stevens is one of you.

That's right.

He was raised right here in Stuckyville.
Spent his high school summers behind

that there counter, and then one day he
moved to New York City, became a lawyer,

took himself a wife.

You're probably thinking, well, then, Ed
Stevens is living the American dream,

right? Wrong.

Ed Stevens was stuck in a back office
proofreading contracts for 90 hours a

week, and then one day, out of the blue,
fired.

You know, come home and find my wife
sleeping with another guy.

You know, probably thinking, worst day
of my life, right? Wrong again.

Best day of my life.

Best day.

Do you know why?

Because it brought me back to where I
was supposed to be.

Right here.

Ed came home.

Anyway. Well, that's my story.

Okay.

Who's next?

That's good. That chair thing's very
cash. Puts us all on the same level.

Thanks, Phil.

You, sir.

What's your name?

Kenny. And what should we know about
Kenny?

Anything at all?

Hobbies, favorite dessert, just breaking
the ice here.

I got a whistling lung.

Okay.

And... Oh, oh, oh, okay, good. Ice
broken. Right.

Okay. How about you?

What's your name?

Shirley.

And what's special about Shirley?

I got a kitty named Kenny.

Huh. Which is funny, because his name's
Kenny.

But I didn't name it after him, though.
I didn't name it after anyone.

I just call him Kenny, because Kenny the
kitty sounds so good, you know.

Here, kitty.

Kitty, kitty.

Hi, Doc.

Hi, Mr. Potter. What's wrong today?

My taste buds are on the blink.
Everything I eat tastes like Canadian

Does that include Canadian bacon?

I'll be right with you.

Now, Wendy, morning, Dr. Jerome.

It's for you.

Hello? At the tone, the time will be 9
.07 and 40 seconds.

Wendy, do office hours still begin at 9
a .m. or... Yes, Dr. Jerome.

I'm seven minutes late. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I was unaware that we've changed to a
flex time system.

I myself have never done it that way. In
the course of building a 38 -year -old

practice, it's been my experience that
the patients like the doctors to be here

on time.

But hey, if this is the way we want to
do it... Again, I apologize for being

seven minutes late, Dr. Jerome. No, no,
no. We'll do it your way.

Wendy, tomorrow I'll be in at 9 .22.

No, at 10 .16.

Actually, you know what?

Call all my patients and tell them that
I'll be in whenever the spirit moves me.

I want that man to die.

Think he'll die soon, Wendy?

Now, people, what we have here is a bad
bowling alley. Question, how do we turn

a bad bowling alley into a good bowling
alley?

Who's going to get us started?

Don't be shy.

There are no bad ideas.

Yes, Shirley.

We could get Sammy Davis Jr. to come and
perform here.

Shirley, Sammy Davis Jr.

is dead.

Oh.

Yes, jackpot! Ding, ding, ding! Thank
you, Brain!

You're welcome, Phil!

Free legal advice for anyone who comes
in in bowls.

Okay, Phil, remember how I said there
were no bad ideas?

I was wrong. Bosco, ours is a litigious
society, and you, my friend, are a legal

eagle, just like Deborah Winger.

Phil, I'm not actually practicing law
anymore. We charge two bucks a game,

game minimum. That's six U .S. dollars
per client, my friend. We will all have

butlers and yachts. Whoa,

customer. Look alive. Look alive.
Customer. Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to

Stuckyball! Woo!

Can I interest anyone in a scone?

You know how you go to a department
store and they have an irregular rack?

Irregular. That's my staff.

Hey, here's all you need to know about
being a boss.

Better to be feared than loved.

That's Prince Machiavelli.

No, that's The Prince by Machiavelli.
What's Prince Machiavelli? They make

perfume. Are they successful?

I guess. Well, there you go.

And I'd love to help you out here, but
I'm extremely hungry.

How are you doing?

Sorry. Oh, Carol.

Hi, Mike. How are you? Good. How are
you?

Hey. Ed.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. I'm great.

Good. Great. Good.

Got some coffee there, I see. Yeah,
yeah. You know, the stuff in the

lounge is just... So I am.

Good coffee here, though.

Yeah. The best in town. It really is.
Have you tried the hazelnut? No. Should

Well, that depends. Do you like
hazelnut? I love them.

I love them.

You know, a hazelnut and a filbert are
two different names for the same nut.

No, I did not know that. I wouldn't
either, except I worked in a fresh

nut store in college.

You'll pick up on that kind of thing,
working in a fresh roasted nut store.

Carol, come on.

I've got to get going. Yeah, me too.

But I'm going to see you around.

Okay, good.

You're here.

I'm here.

Okay. Okay.

Bye now.

Come on, they got pork chops.

Ooh, I ate so much.

Upside 35, first down.

Who thinks Ed's cool?

Aw, really? Oh, that's so kind, Sarah.
Thank you. Hey, who thinks Nick

a loser?

What? I couldn't agree more.

Sarah Shaw, karate so you know.

Hoi! Karate so hoi!

Ed, you're hogging my baby.

Get one of your own. Yeah, that isn't
going to happen anytime soon.

Ed, have you spoken to Liz since, you
know... Since she, um, slept with a

mailman? No. I think you should talk to
her. See what she has to say. Liz isn't

a bad person. She's not a bad kisser
either.

Mike! What a joke. Took his mind off his
troubles.

See, this is what a marriage should be.
What, two people who never have sex?

Mike, I just had a baby!

Four months ago, honey. At some point in
the store's got to reopen for business

or else you lose customers.

Wow.

Good comeback, honey.

You shouldn't have to see this.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a lawyer
in the room. Here he is, the attorney on

a journey.

Ed, Lee, Bailey, step aside, people. The
lawyer is it.

Phil, what's going on? This is your new
law office. Here, put this on.

What? Come on, man, it's your lawyer
wig.

I got him for everybody.

I say, objection, Your Honor, objection.

Say, Phil, I'm pretty sure I remember
saying no to this idea. No, come on,

look at all these customers. You can't
send these people away.

I even got you a diploma.

My last name's not Dershowitz.

Dude, they don't know that.

I've been waiting 45... No, there's been
a... My next -door neighbor is stealing

my driveway gravel. I understand, but
see, this gentleman... I brought

How much gravel is he stealing, sir?
Woo!

My man is lawyering now!

Here comes the judge! Here comes the
judge!

Order in the court, because here comes
the judge!

Judge and lawyer are two different
things.

Okay. Dr. Burton, Mr. Fiedler is here
for his scalp treatment.

Come in.

Two minutes, please, Wendy.

Hey, Nance.

What's wrong? You okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, honey, you were
right this morning.

I've been neglecting my marital
responsibilities. I just haven't been

very sexy.

That's okay. I was just teasing.

Let's wait until you're ready.

I hope.

I think I am ready.

Tonight's the night, honey. Me and you
are getting it on.

Tonight could be tough, honey. I've got
a 50 -page article to read in the

medical journal.

Please, sit down.

Relax. Enjoy each other's company. It's
not as though there's a patient waiting.

I'm sorry, Dr. Jerome. No need to
apologize.

Wendy!

I made them myself.

Uh, shall I cut off your crust, Dr.
Burton?

Uh, no thanks.

Very well, then. Have a lovely midday
break.

Always a pleasure, Mrs. Barton.

They've just been served sarcastic
sandwiches.

From here on in, it'll be goodbye
hamburger and hello straight burger.

What do you think, Kenny?

You're a regular P .T. Barnum. Thank
you, sir.

Ed.

Hey, Molly, how are you? I'm good.

Good. Listen, um...

I found this on my car. Is this for
real? You're actually opening up a law

office in here?

Bill.

Bill! Because I need a lawyer.

Well, then you've come to the right
bowling alley.

You're being sued.

Yeah, I'm freaking out.

Stangleton Brothers Auto Repair, $1
,600.

$1 ,600, and they ruined my car.

Here, get in.

What's wrong with it?

Okay. Are you ready? Guess so.

The claim that I asked for this. I
didn't ask for this. Why would somebody

for this? Please turn this off.

Will you take the case? Molly, I'm not
that kind of lawyer, okay? I've never

actually even been to court.

I will not turn it off until you take
the case. I'll do it.

Okay.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

All right, now, Molly, it's time for me
to ask you a favor.

Okay, sure. Tell me if Carol said
anything about me.

You know, I would really rather not get
involved. Come on, Molly. You owe me.

I'm the only thing standing between you
and the big house.

Ed, you just split up with your wife.
Don't you think you need a little time

work through this before moving on to
Carol?

No. You know, she and Nick Stanton are
very serious.

I know all about Nick Stanton, all
right? And this is why I think I need to

something big with Carol. I need to hit
her with a bolo punch.

What? The haymaker, all right? She needs
to be razzled ass stunned.

Bam! Then she's all, oh, I don't know
where I am. I'm really groggy and I'll

out with you, Ed.

Yeah.

And this has worked for you in the past?

Oh, Molly, if you're not born with the
broad shoulders and the strong jawline,

there's only one way to get the girl.

You make a complete ass out of yourself.

So the plan is to make an ass out of
yourself?

No, no, no, no.

A complete ass.

Love me, my love, and say oh my.

Kiss me and hold me tight.

Let's make the most of tonight.

Jell -O is served.

I made you Jell -O, Carol.

Um, Warren, I am the teacher and you are
the student, so that makes it Miss

Bessie, okay?

See, I think you gotta start thinking
outside the box.

Okay, class, The Merchant of Venice.

Who wants to read first?

Warren.

I am a Jew.

Hath not a Jew eyes?

Hath not a Jew hands?

Organs?

Dimensions?

Affections?

Passions?

If you prick us,

We do not bleed.

We do not bleed.

Do you think we could take this outside?

But, my lady, I beseech thee. Ed!

I am begging you.

Very well. Fair one.

Class, if you could just excuse me if
I'll do that. And, Warren, continue

reading.

Sucks!

What's up all night carving jello?

Sucks! Ed, this is a very sweet gesture.
Really, it is. But this is my

workplace, and frankly, I find this a
little embarrassing. Go out with me

tonight. I can't. You see, I have plans
with my boyfriend. Remember my

boyfriend? Oh, yeah. I remember your
boyfriend.

Complicated, Nick.

It's actually pretty hot in there. How
about tomorrow night? I'm going away for

the weekend. I'm sorry.

But look what I've done here today. I'm
adorable.

Yes, but I'm in a relationship, like I
told you. Oh, Carol, you're in the wrong

relationship. Oh, really?

Your boyfriend, Nick Stanton? Okay.

He's one of those sexy, mysterious,
brooding artists. Look, everyone, I'm

Hemingway type.

I understand the initial feel, but what
I'm trying to say is it's not for you in

the long run. It's not for me in the...
No.

How would you know?

We didn't say two words to each other
all of high school. Ten years passes,

wife leaves you, and I am very sorry
about that. Suddenly you come back into

town and you're an expert on what kind
of relationship I should be having.

But you kissed me.

Yes, I kissed you.

I kissed you. And I don't know why I
kissed you. It was just sort of like an

-the -moment kind of a thing.

You didn't have to go by a bowling alley
because of it.

I did not buy a bowling alley because
you kissed me, okay? I bought a bowling

alley because... It just so happens I
love the game.

Ah, you love the game. Yes, I do. When
played correctly, it's really quite

beautiful. I see.

Ed. Yeah?

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hi, Nick.

Who's that? New football mascot?

Oh, no, no. He's just a friend.

I'm sorry, baby, but I can't go this
weekend.

Why? Got it right.

What are you talking about?

You know how Chapter 17's been kicking
me in the ass? Well, I'm about to do a

little kicking of my own.

But we have been planning this for a
week. I realize that, and I'm sorry,

hey, you know how it is. I don't tell
the words when to come. I just write

down when they do.

Doesn't this mean anything to you at
all?

You know it does. I just have to finish
this book.

Please. Understand.

Okay. I'll call you.

Eddie's at the bowling alley.

Sarah's asleep.

It's just me and you.

Nance, I really got to read this thing
by tomorrow.

Honey, six long months.

That damn must be ready to burst.

Honey, I really can't. I got to read
this thing by in Patago. Seriously. Oh,

Mike, I love it when you talk about skin
conditions.

Come on, Nance.

Honey, you are the one who is always
saying, Honey.

Store's got to reopen for business.
Well, guess what? One night only. We are

having a going -out -of -business sale.
We have lost our lease.

Everything must go.

Hey, Nancy, don't think I don't know
what's going on here.

What? I wasn't born yesterday.

You see, you know I'm too busy to have
sex. You're pretending to want to have

sex, even though you don't really want
to have sex. What? That's right. You're

trying to get credit for having sex
without actually having to have sex.

It's genius.

So, Mike, call my bluff. Come on. Let's
have sex. Can't a man read about

impetigo?

Miss Hudson, what do you have for me?
Cash, traveler's checks, gold bullion?

can you sue me? I didn't ask you to make
my car hop. Look, lady, if you're here

to pay me, pay me. If not, get out of my
garage.

Mr. Stangleton, let's just relax and
we'll talk this through, okay?

You're the little diplomat.

Hey, Roy, how about a vodka for Dr.

Kissinger? Coming right up, Benji.

Look. I brought my car in. I asked you
to change the oil filter and give me a

tune -up. And then you call me and tell
me that I need a new alternator, and I

said fine.

There was never any discussion of making
my car hop. It says right here on your

contract, oil filter, tune -up,
alternator, hydraulic. Why don't we

this, guys, okay?

Maybe it's your mistake, and maybe
somehow it's our mistake, but really,

this look like a lady who subscribes to
Lowrider magazine?

More like Bon Appetit. Oh, please, don't
make me kick your ass.

We're done here. Let's go, Molly.

See you in court, boys.

See you in court. Very smooth.

Yeah, but the guy's never been inside a
courtroom.

Bye -bye.

All right, I'm done

bowling. Let's redraft my will. Whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Everybody freeze. Let me see that score
sheet.

Ed, cease and desist immediately. This
man has not pulled three games. He is

therefore not entitled to free legal
counsel.

All right, fine. I'll just pay for the
third game.

What is it, two bucks?

What? Go bowl.

Come in here.

I know.

Carol.

Ed. Welcome to Stuckyball.

So, you, uh, you own a bowling alley.
Yes.

Yes, I do. All the pins, all the balls,
all the shoes, all mine.

I'm sitting on top of the world.

Ed.

Would you have dinner with me tomorrow
night?

Uh,

Carol, you remember the guy in the suit
of armor?

Yeah. That was me. I know. Same guy. I
know. Okay, just making sure.

So would you?

Ed?

Ed! Hang on, I'm playing hard to get.

Oh.

Just give me a few more seconds. Uh
-huh.

Okay, yes, I will.

Good.

Um, what time?

Eight o 'clock? Where?

Um, Smokehouse Billy's place for ribs.

I'll be there.

Great.

Nice work, Bosco.

Please stop calling me Bosco.

Ed, I got a problem. What's the matter?

You know, Nancy and I haven't had sex
since Sarah was born. So I've heard.

Nancy's not the reason. I am. What do
you mean?

Ever since Nancy had the baby, I...

Yeah. Except I don't find her attractive
anymore. I do. I really do.

She's beautiful.

Beautiful. Very beautiful. Nancy, are
you kidding me? Completely beautiful.

Problem is, now she's not just Nancy.
She's also Sarah's mom. Oh? So sex.

Sex has got to be a little dirty.

I think we all know that.

Stangleton Brothers Auto versus Molly
Hudson. Mr. Stangleton, you installed

hydraulics in Miss Hudson's car at a
cost of $1 ,600?

Yes, Your Honor. And she refuses to pay.

Why won't you pay them?

Because they're lying. I never asked...
Your Honor, my name is Ed Stevens. I'm

representing Miss Hudson. Of course, Mr.
Stevens, the bowling alley lawyer.

Your Honor, just so you understand, the
term bowling alley lawyer suggests that

I specialize in bowling alley -related
cases. Not so. I own a bowling alley. I

am a lawyer. Two separate things.

Duly noted, Mr. Stevens.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, my client refuses to pay simply
because she never asked for hydraulics

be installed in her car.

Well, I am holding a service contract
here that says that she ordered a tune

-up, an oil filter, an alternator, and
hydraulics. Can you explain this, Mr.

Stevens? I believe I can.

May I call the witness?

Your Honor, Ms.

Hudson here has hired herself a big
-time New York City lawyer who expects

traipse on into our little courthouse.

In our little town of Stuckyville, with
his fancy cell phones and fax machines,

wielding his own brand of New York City
justice.

Sam, what is with the get -up and the
southern accent? Take off the hat. You

look ridiculous.

Amanda, I'm trying to do my job.

Well, you're off to a flying start.

Go ahead, Mr. Stevens.

Thank you, Your Honor.

The defense calls Benjamin Socrates
Stangleton to the stand.

Tune up. Oil filter.

Alternator.

Hydraulics. Mr. Stangleton.

How can you be so sure you do not add
the hydraulics by mistake?

Because we write everything down on the
contract right when it's ordered.

Of course you do.

And did you at any time place a
telephone call to Ms. Hudson?

Yes, I did. I called her and I told her
she needed the alternator. And she

agreed to this?

Yes, she did.

So, when my client came to your shop,
she first ordered the tune -up, the oil

filter, the hydraulics, then you called
her and she ordered the alternator, yes?

Yes, sir.

Tune -up, oil filter, hydraulics, then
alternator.

Tune -up.

Oil filter, hydraulics, then alternator.

Could you read the service contract for
the court, please?

Tune -up, oil filter, alternator,
hydraulics.

Alternator, hydraulics. Interesting.

Something troubles me about that, Mr.
Stangleton. Perhaps you can help me out.

When my client comes to your shop, yours
is the tune -up, the oil filter, the

hydraulics, then the alternator. Yet
here, we have alternator, then

How can that be?

It's curious.

Confusing, isn't it? I don't understand.
So confused.

Wait a minute.

What about this?

What about another customer orders a
hydraulics, you accidentally place them

my client's car, then to cover yourself,
you tack them on to the bottom of this

service contract?

Could that be it, Mr. Stangleton?

May I see that?

He never read them as rates. I think
he's got you, Socrates.

Forget the $1 ,600.

Take out the hydraulics. Give her $500
for her trouble.

Don't let me see you here again.

Oh, Ed, that was great. You made him
dance like a monkey. Please, Miss

it's what I do.

Oh, look at you acting all cool.

Admit it, you love it.

You're right, I love it.

And I owe it all to you, my first
client. Thank you, Molly.

You're welcome.

So... Molly told me that you were
actually amazing today.

Oh, I don't know, Carol. You know, is
there ever one of those days when you

the big epiphany and suddenly you know
what you're supposed to be doing in

Um, no, not yet.

Well, for me, anyway, today was one of
those days.

I'm gonna do this.

Do what?

I'm gonna open my own law practice.

What, really?

Well, I mean, today was just so cool,
you know? Like, man to man, mano a mano.

Me versus a guy named Benji.

Mano a Benji.

And then your bowling alley, you're just
going to sell it? God, no. No, I love

that place. No, no. This is my plan. I'm
going to have the best of both worlds.

Ah. Oh, thank you. Let me get this
straight. You're going to open up a law

practice inside a bowling alley? Yes.

Yes. You see? Like they have Starbucks
inside bookstores? Yeah.

Law practice inside a bowling alley.

Right. It's a new millennium, Carol.

It sure is.

Thank you, small cow's belly.

Well, then I would like to make a toast.

Okay. To the world's first bowling alley
lawyer.

I'm actually going to try and stay away
from that phrase.

That's probably good thinking.

There was this one time in junior high
when I came up to you and sat next to

in the library, and I had this crossword
puzzle, and I just started filling it

out with random letters, pretending I
knew all the answers, trying to make you

think I was some kind of crossword
puzzle genius.

I have no recollection of that. Why
didn't you just say something to me?

You know, there must be a good reason. I
can't quite recall what it would be.

Oh, that's right. I was terrified.

Ah, I see. Well, it was high school.

I had my share of killer crushes back
then, too. The only difference being all

you had to do was walk up to the guy in
question and say, I'm Carol Bessie. I

have a crush on you. Begin dating me
now.

Yeah, right, exactly, because I am Carol
Bessie, and everything in my life turns

out to be exactly as I am.

Hey, we weren't going to do this.

I'm about to say something which could
ruin what has been up to now a near

-perfect date.

Near -perfect date? I thought the onion
loaf was a little soggy.

What?

Why are you out here with me if you're
in love with Nick Stanton?

I don't want to talk about Nick Stanton.

Talk about Nick Nolte? No.

Is that off -limits, too?

I thought he was fabulous in The Prince
of Ties.

Yes. Yes, he was good.

I don't know.

What's this?

I just had a make -up the other night.

Shouldn't you be reading about scurvy or
something?

Scurvy can wait.

By the way, great chicken, honey.

I'll show you great chicken.

Nice double entendre.

I'll show you a nice double entendre.

My cake?

Yeah, honey.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm just concentrating.
I'm kissing and stuff.

Oh, okay.

Well, Carol, I guess this is good night.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks for dinner. Thanks
for not ordering an appetizer.

Are you crying?

Why are you crying? You could have had
an appetizer.

You are very, very nice.

I apologize?

Ed. Yes?

What went wrong in your marriage?

Well, I... was so good in bed.

I was so skillful in the art of
lovemaking that my wife just couldn't

The poor woman was in over her head. It
was sad, really.

I see. You're not buying that? No, no.

My wife, Liz, had... has... three tiny
little freckles on her cheek

right here.

And... when we went on our first date, I
nicknamed them Moe, Larry, and Curly.

When she would smile, she would get this
really big dimple, and Larry would just

plump disappear.

So instead of ever asking, how are you,
I would always ask, how's Larry?

You know, sometimes two people can fall
so completely in love and yet be so

completely wrong for one another.

It's fate's nasty side, I guess.

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Do you want to come inside?

I can't.

Oh. Oh, no, because that's fine. No,
because, Carol, I can't help but think

you and I are on a double date here.

You know?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah. How do you think Nick and Liz are
getting along about now?

Oh.

Good night, Carol. Good

night.

can keep