Original subtitles

(film projector clicking)

(mysterious music)

(funky drum music)

♪ Mm ♪

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ You asked, who am I ♪

- [Woman] Ooh, yes!

♪ I am your worst nightmare ♪

- [Rich] Yeah, girl. You look good.

Who's your astronaut, baby?

I'm your astronaut? (woman moans)

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go to sex planet.

Yeah, ooh!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Get on this rocket.

Get on this rocket, girl.

- Yes!

(Rich and woman moaning)

Ooh, Commander, yes!

Commander, yes! (Rich grunts)

Yes! (zipper zips)

(funky drum music continues)

It's not fair.

Why do they have to send you on a mission

in the middle of the night?

- Well, because, baby...

(proud patriotic music)

The moon is closer at night.

- Oh, yeah!

(Rich laughs)

- Yeah!

- You'll call me, right?

Like you promised?

- Yes.

I'll call you from orbit.

(proud patriotic music continues)

- Have a safe flight, Commander.

Rhonda, Oh my God.

You will never believe what my new boyfriend

does for a living.

He's an astronaut!

- Woo!

♪ I see 'em run ♪

♪ Run ♪

♪ Watch the clock, watch the clock ♪

♪ Watch the clock, watch the clock ♪

♪ I see 'em run, I see 'em run ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

(funky groovy music)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪

(text clatters)

♪ Yeah ♪

(text clatters)

♪ Rush, boy, rush ♪

(funky groovy music continues)

(singer laughs)

♪ Yes ♪

(singer laughs)

♪ I see 'em run ♪

(singer laughs)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I see 'em run ♪

(record scratches)

♪ Voo-doo, runnin' from my magic ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ See Dick Run ♪

♪ Voo-doo, runnin' from my magic ♪

(funky groovy music continues)

♪ Consider this a warning ♪

♪ You have been warned ♪

♪ Run, run ♪

(singer laughs)

♪ Run, run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run, run ♪

♪ You have been warned ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run, run ♪

♪ See Dick Run ♪

♪ Run, run ♪

♪ Heave, ho ♪

♪ Heave, ho ♪

♪ Run ♪

♪ Voo-doo, runnin' from my magic ♪

♪ Heave, ho ♪

♪ Heave, ho ♪

♪ Everyone, See Dick Run ♪

♪ Voo-doo, runnin' from my magic ♪

(groovy funky music fades)

- Oh, thank you so much.

I really do appreciate that.

Please allow me to pay you for that.

Oh, just a dollar?

You don't have 5 or $10?

(Rich laughs)

I'm just joking with you.

(Rich laughs) - Oh!

You can keep the dollar.

- Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you!

- Get your...

- Come on, Rich.

I pay you to shake this arrow, man.

Not be a Good Samaritan.

What are you guys doing over here?

And you? You look like a wobbling turd.

You're supposed to be a condominium.

A dancing condominium.

Come on, you guys.

Sell some condos for me today, huh?

Come on, shake these signs.

Let's go!

- Man, I hate him, man.

- Man!

Shoot, I wouldn't let him call me no wobbling turd.

- I know, man.

I'll take this roof off and-

- Do something. Do something.

- Wait, come back!

♪ La la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

- Man, you're right.

She is hot.

Like Playboy hot.

I can't believe you got a piece of that.

- Yeah, man. I got a piece.

Ate the whole pie, and licked the pan.

Ah!

(Rich and Craig laughs)

- What'd you do? Drug her?

- Nah, man. I don't use no drugs.

That's illegal.

(Craig chuckles)

- Every week you come with these photos

of your latest conquest,

all of them ridiculously hot.

What's your gimmick? How you do it?

- What? My looks and charm ain't enough?

(chuckles) I'm sexy.

- Okay.

For LA women, looks and charm will get you a smile.

Or maybe they'll let you cut in front of 'em on the freeway.

But you gotta bring something to the table.

- Oh, yeah.

I bring something to the table.

(chuckles) Believe me.

Watch the arrow.

(Craig laughs)

- You are a broke, outta work actor.

What do you bring to the table? Your headshot?

(Craig laughs)

(Rich mock laughs)

- No.

No, man. Okay?

That's cold.

- I'm saying, that's reality!

Zeros like us don't bag nines and dimes,

unless you got a gimmick.

♪ So, stop holding out ♪

♪ Give up the goods ♪

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look, look. There is something.

But you gotta keep this on the down low, all right?

- I knew it!

You do drug 'em! I knew you'd be going to the club, and you-

- Shh, shh, shh!

- Man, no! I'm not druggin' em!

Look, follow me, all right?

- Okay. - Come on.

- Oh!

Where we goin' man?

What's going on?

- You're about to enter the world of Tricky Dick.

(Craig laughs)

- Who's Tricky Dick?

- Dick, that's me.

You know, Dick is the nickname for Richard.

- Oh!

(Craig laughs)

- You ain't know that.

Brother, look.

- [Craig] Dang!

- Yes.

- Richard Huxtable, MD.

Richard Earnhardt, NASCAR driver.

- [Rich] Yup.

- Richard Redford, horse whisperer?

- Oh, well, you know the women love the horses.

- Man, girls actually fall for this?

- Oh, yeah. They fall.

They fall real hard.

Right into my love muscle.

(Rich laughs)

Hey look, check this out.

This is my favorite lure right here.

- Damn! What'd you buy that cost $300,000?

- (laughs) Nah, man.

That's not a real receipt. That's a ATM receipt.

You leave that on the ground at the right moment,

girl picks it up, then it's Hello Kitty.

(Rich laughs)

- Wow, man. This is unbelievable.

- Yeah, well, believe it.

You gotta give 'em what they want, to get what you want.

It's the game of love.

- No, it's the game of cons.

- I'm putting my acting skills to good use, bruh.

- Yeah, you are a sexual con artist.

(whip snaps) (Craig grunts)

- I am not a sexual con artist!

Man, you see some of these nines and tens?

These girls without they silicone, without they weaves.

I mean, who is sexual connin' who?

- Like, won't they figure this out?

Can't they just get on the internet and check you out?

- Look, man, it's two rules to this game, okay?

First rule, one night only,

trick 'em, dick 'em, leave 'em alone.

Second rule, always play it safe.

- Man, I got four sisters.

I don't know whether to be totally grossed out,

or incredibly impressed.

- Well, how about this?

Stay totally silent.

I don't need none of this getting out.

- (laughs) Yeah, you're right, Captain.

Don't want the FAA to ground you.

(Rich laughs)

- You funny, man.

Let's get back.

(funky drum music)

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

A condo, a condo!

You wanna get a condo?

- Hey, homie. What you say, homie?

Aye, homie. What's up, homie.

For real, though.

(Rich hums)

So, who's on Tricky Dick's menu tonight?

Blonde or brunette?

(Rich laughs)

- Well, I got this sexy Jamaican girl.

Told her I was a UN translator.

(Rich laughs) - All right, now.

You better watch out with them island girls.

They'll put roots on you.

- Roots?

Man, ain't nobody scared of no Alex Haley.

- Okay, I'm talking about voodoo, man.

The black arts.

- Oh, you mean like graffiti?

(Rich chuckles) - Keep joking.

I got a friend, his girlfriend is Haitian.

Guess what she did?

She buried his underwear in the backyard.

He been stuck in the house.

He ain't never been able to leave since 1997.

- You know, I wonder what would happen

if I buried your crack pipes.

Stay off the drugs, man.

Come on. - Okay, man, you been warned.

I'm just telling you.

Voodoo ain't no joke, man.

- Richard Lee. Is that you?

- Oh. (chuckles)

Hey, hey.

How you doin', Angie?

- It's Amy.

- Hey, Amy.

Dang, you look good, girl.

Oh my goodness.

- Too bad I can't say the same about you.

Now I can see why you never called me back after that night.

You liar!

- Girl, I ain't no liar. I am a straight arrow.

You see this?

- You told me you were a kung-fu instructor.

That you'd give me free lessons for life.

- But see, I got fired.

- You told me you own a worldwide chain of kung-fu schools.

Wait, hold up.

Black Dragon Martial Arts Academy.

Richard Bruce Lee.

Chairman of the Board and Master of Kung-Fu.

- Well, see...

There was a hostile takeover at my karate school.

It was crazy. The rival school came in.

It was the nunchucks versus the samurais.

Girl, I lost everything.

- I checked.

There's no such thing as Black Dragon Martial Arts Academy.

- Oh, oh, okay. Well, see...

It was misspelled on the business card.

Actually, it's dragun, with a U.

See, it's the ancient samurai spelling.

See, you just looked it up wrong.

Girl, that's all it is.

(Rich groans)

(pole clanks)

- Master of bullshit!

- Uh, help!

Somebody help my friend!

Down here.

Can you see?

I need help!

Please?

Hey, you okay?

(woman laughs) (intense drum music)

- Yeah, girl.

You know I'm the last living authority

of five different African dialects.

You know? Like Omzudoofdu.

Yeah, and Donoske.

And Guswara.

Yeah, don't try looking that up,

'cause you're not gonna find it

in any dictionary or library, I'm telling you.

(knocking) I'm telling you, girl.

Who is it?

Look, girl, I'm gonna have to go.

Somebody at my door playin' around.

I'm gonna talk to you later, all right?

(chuckles) Bye, baby.

(Rich kisses)

Zoomdoofdu.

(Rich chuckles)

(intense drum music continues)

How'd you get in here?

- The door was open.

(lock clanking)

(Rich gasps)

- [Rich] Who are you?

- Mm.

- Mm.

That's your name?

Mm?

- Mm!

(intense drum music continues)

- Um, do I know you?

(intense drum music continues)

- I want you, Rich Jones.

- You are freaking me out.

- You haven't seen anything yet.

(intense drum music fades)

(Rich and woman grunting)

- Oh, oh!

Wait...

What was that?

Oh! (intense drum music continues)

(Rich grunts)

Not too fast, not too fast!

(monkeys screeching)

(animals growing) (Rich grunts)

It hurts!

Oh, oh, stop lookin' at me.

Whoa!

(woman grunts) (intense tribal drum music)

(woman screeches)

(Rich groans)

Where'd the snake come from?

Oh, you bit its head off.

Oh my God.

Oh, oh...

(intense tribal drum music continues)

(monkey screeches)

(rooster crows)

(Rich grunts)

Oh...

Now that's what I call a nightmare.

(Rich yawns)

Ah.

(Rich gasps)

Ugh.

Oh, man, I must've hit my head harder than I thought.

(Rich grunts)

(Rich yawns)

Oh, shoot.

(whimsical music)

(tense dramatic music)

(intense music)

(Rich screams)

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

No!

(Rich yells)

No!

No!

- What's up, man?

What happened?

- It's gone.

It's gone.

- What's gone?

- Always play it safe.

That's my rule.

I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid!

- Man, what are you talking about?

What happened? Talk to me.

What's going on?

- I had sex with this girl, right?

And I didn't use a condom.

She gave me something.

- You got what?

- Something bad.

Something really, really bad.

- What are the symptoms?

Does it sting when you pee?

- I wish.

- Does puss come out?

- Man, nothing comes out!

It's just gone!

It's gone!

- What are you talking about? What's going on?

What are you saying?

Aw, damn!

She cut your joint off?

- No, she didn't cut nothing off, man!

It's just gone.

It's gone!

- What's gone? What are you talking about?

It... Man, you know we can't handle our liquor.

Man, we not even...

Ah, damn! (Craig thuds)

Hold on, it's gone!

- That's what I've been trying to tell you.

(catchy tribal music)

- Dude.

You seriously are in denial right now.

We're wasting our time here.

It's obvious.

Somebody put a supersized mojo on your ass.

- It's not a mojo, it's just an STD.

- An STD? That erases your schlong?

Come on, man.

- Morning, I'm Dr. Miller.

You must be Richard.

- Yeah, I'm Richard.

- My nurse tells me you have an embarrassing situation

you'd like to discuss privately with me.

- It's kinda weird, Doc.

(Craig chuckles)

- Kinda?

His condition is off the medical charts.

(Dr. Miller chuckles)

- Don't worry, son.

I've been a physician for over 40 years.

No matter what it is, we'll deal with it.

So, what brings you to the office today?

(Rich sighs) (Whimsical music)

(Dr. Miller thuds)

(dramatic music)

- I guess it's not an STD.

(intense drum music)

- So, let me get this straight.

A girl named "Mm" magically appears in your living room,

and just wants to have kinky sex with you,

and you didn't find that a little...

"Twilight Zone"?

- Man, are you listening to me?

She was hot. I'm talking stupid hot.

- Yeah.

Well, lucky for you, I know somebody that can fix this.

- Is she a real doctor?

- Yes, man!

How many times I gotta tell you?

Yes, yes, yes. She's a real doctor.

- Well, I ain't never heard of no doctor

that specialize in the black arts.

- Well, this one does.

Just chill out, 'cause we almost there.

(intense drum music continues)

(car screeches)

- V.M.D.?

Man, did you bring me to the vet?

- Of course not. V stands for Voodoo.

- Voodoo?

Like Voodoo doctor?

- I told you she was a doctor.

- Oh, man. I don't know, man. This is nuts.

- Uh, you want yours back, don't you?

- All right, but I'm not drinking no chicken blood.

- Ow!

- They're asking for my insurance carrier.

(man grunts)

Voodoo doctors ask for insurance?

- Why you care?

You really concerned about your copay right now?

(man grunts) - Man, I'm just saying.

- Ow!

Ah, sh...

Ah, f...

- Aye.

Aye, homie, what you in for?

- Fuckin' wife.

Ah, shit.

Man, voodoo dolling me.

Ah, shit!

Oh, I hate that bitch!

Hate that bitch, man.

(man grunts) Craig.

That dude right there is a damn man.

(man hisses) (dramatic music)

- Aw, damn!

Oh, he's a zombie!

(Craig whines)

- Mr. Jones, the doctor will see you now.

Come. (man grunts)

(man hisses)

- Stop talkin' to me, man!

(ominous music)

(doors thudding) - See, Doc. I told you.

He look like a G.I. Joe.

- Mr. Jones.

The woman in your bed last night was no woman.

- Oh, wait.

You're saying I boned a tranny?

- No, no, it was a succubus.

- Who butt got sucked?

- A succubus.

A sex demon sent to steal your manhood.

- A sex demon?

You're kidding, right?

- Mr. Jones.

I am a Voodoo high priestess of royal Nubian blood.

A direct descendant of Queen Nefertiti.

I assure you, I am not kidding.

- All right, well, who sent the demon?

- Your enemy.

Someone who despises you with all their heart.

A curse this angry is fueled by hatred.

- Well, can we break the curse?

'Cause I really, really want my penis back.

- No worries.

This is very common in my country.

Like chickenpox.

- Mhm.

I told you.

Those island women don't play!

No offense, Doc.

- None taken.

- Are you sure?

Cause you looking at me like you wanna turn me into a frog.

- You retarded?

- I can heal you.

But first you must bring me back that which was stolen.

- What you mean? Like bring you my equipment?

Well, how am I supposed to do that?

I don't even know who took it.

- In order for the curse to hold,

your enemy must keep your manhood

in a jar beneath their bed.

A jar, just like this one.

- Wait, is that a...

Is that somebody's shriveled up-

- Unfortunately, he failed to get back in time.

- There's a time limit?

- Time is limitless,

but there is a limit to certain things.

This. Midnight tonight.

Bring back your manhood before midnight,

or your affliction will be forever irreversible.

- Midnight?

That only gives me like 12 hours.

- Come, come, Mr. Jones.

A young man as handsome as yourself

could not possibly have so many enemies.

- Oh.

- Uh, yeah, we better boogie.

- Excuse me, gentlemen.

My fee...

$50,000 or a newborn infant.

Your choice.

- Oh, damn.

$50,000?

- Oh, man.

- Just kidding.

(Craig and Rich laughing) - Oh, it was a joke.

- You're crazy.

(Craig and Rich laughing)

- We'll discuss it later.

(Craig and Rich chuckling)

(intense drum music)

- Dude, I had no idea you were such a whore.

We're never gonna be able

to get through all these girls on time.

- That's why I narrowed it down to these top five suspects.

- Uh, okay.

What if one of them isn't the girl we're looking for?

- Come on, man. You heard what that nice voodoo lady said.

A curse this angry can only be fueled by hatred.

And nobody hate me more than these five women right here.

Come on.

The game is afoot.

- What's on my foot?

- His penis was gone.

Totally gone.

Vanished, poof, outta there.

- Yeah, you already said that.

Penis gone.

Would you characterize this man's body as appearing inhuman,

maybe even alien?

- Like space alien.

Like UFO alien.

How does that work?

A call comes into the FBI, it's unusual,

and they forward it to you guys.

- Us guys.

- Yeah, the Men in-

- Shh.

We try to keep a low profile.

- Well then, you guys might

want to rethink your color scheme.

- [Craig] Man, she's cute.

- Yeah, she look cute and innocent.

But when you get in the bedroom, look out!

(Rich chuckles) - Dang. Why did she hate you?

- Man, I told her I was a top hair stylist,

traveling the world, giving rich women $1,000 haircuts.

- Please tell me this story does not involve scissors.

- I'm telling you, man.

Hairstyling is really hard, man.

It's tougher than you think.

I don't know how them gay guys do it.

- You cut this girl's hair?

- Yeah, man.

I cut and dyed it.

Man, I had the candles burning, music playing.

It was sensual.

I'm telling you, great foreplay.

Then all of a sudden, bam!

I hear all this screaming, and then gunfire.

I had to sneak through the bedroom window just to get away.

- You don't mess with a sista's hair.

- Yeah, I know. I know, man.

I just be getting caught up in the role.

I need some help.

Keep your fingers crossed.

- I'll do you even better.

(engine revs)

I'll keep the engine running.

- Good idea.

(gate clangs)

(Rich knocks)

- [Woman] Who is it?

- Uh, Rich Jones.

- [Woman] Who?

- Ricardo Pierre.

Ooh.

Hey.

Wow!

I'm glad you got your hair back the way you like it.

Look at...

Ooh!

Aw, dang!

Well, at least you got it the length you like.

You know?

Oh...

Oh, it just come off like that, huh?

Well, look, I can see why you're mad.

I can see.

You look like a squirrel or something like that.

But, you know what?

Sending a sex demon to my house,

I mean, that's a little harsh, don't you think?

- Leave. Now.

- What? What?

Okay, well, you know what?

It was funny. It was real funny.

I mean, when I woke up this morning,

I looked down at my crotch,

and I saw my thang was gone.

(Rich chuckles)

Woo! That was crazy.

I was crying and falling out.

You should've been there.

I still feel a little weird now, but you know what?

I learned my lesson.

So give me my penis back.

Okay? - I'm warning you.

- Okay, you want me to beg?

Okay, I'm gonna get down on my knee.

I'm on the ground.

Okay? I'm Emmanuel Lewis.

I'm begging you. (door thuds)

Give me my penis!

(Mailman laughs)

- Damn!

Have some self respect, brother.

- Man, you crazy.

(woman yells) (Rich yells)

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Oh!

(Rich grunts)

- Hey, you got a wig on your foot!

- Oh, damn!

Wait, wait!

(Rich yells)

Wait, wait!

Now lookie here!

Go under your bed and get the jar,

and give it back to me!

(woman screams)

(whimsical music)

(woman screams)

- Here you go. (whimsical music continues)

(Rich grunts)

(whimsical music continues)

(mysterious music)

(mysterious music continues)

- Trying to fit in, are we, Pod man?

(mysterious music continues)

You devious SAPTO bastard.

Central? This is Agent Stone.

I need a cell phone track, ASAP.

- Her name's Joanna.

I told her I was a mechanic

that owned a whole chain of auto repair shops.

- What's with you and franchises?

- Hey, man, women like money.

You gotta have money.

- Oh, I don't even want to ask.

What kind of car did you mess up?

- She wanted me to install some kind of

performance chip into her Lexus.

- A Lexus?

Damn!

Wait. What's a performance chip?

- I don't know.

Something to do with the fuel inserter.

- Or fuel injector. But you're a mechanic.

- Oh.

Well, anyway, man...

I was tinkering on the car, with my shirt off, of course.

You know, and then things got real hot and heavy.

We had sex in the garage, sex in the shower,

sex in the kitchen.

Man, we had sex everywhere.

(Rich laughs)

- And the Lexus?

- Oh. Oh, yeah.

I told her I'll be back in a couple of days to repair it.

That was about three months ago.

- You left this girl's brand new car in pieces?

- Well, cars got a whole lot of pieces, man.

I'm sure two or three wouldn't matter.

I mean, come on.

I'm sure she got it fixed by now.

- Wait. - Huh?

- Is that her? On that bike?

(whimsical music)

(Joanna grunts)

Damn!

(whimsical music continues)

(bike clatters)

- I think I'm gonna stay in the car till she cool off.

- Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

- Yeah. - Peace out.

- What?

(Rich knocks)

- I'm comin!

Shit.

Oh, hell no!

- Hey.

- Look who's here. - Oh, what's up?

(Joanna chuckles)

- Guess you got my messages then, huh?

- Oh, messages. So you did send a demon!

- Hell yeah, I sent a demon!

(Joanna laughs incredulously)

You left me hangin',

and then you had the audacity to ignore me!

- Look, I'm sorry, Joanna.

I mean, that was really rude of me, okay?

But I ain't deserve for you to just...

I need my penis back.

- Okay. (chuckles)

I'll give it back to you.

Right after you fix my car.

- Fix your what?

- Fix my car, nigga,

and I'll give you your little thingy back.

And then the demon will be off your ass forever.

- Oh, you still think I'm a mechanic, huh?

- Excuse me? - Look, don't get mad, okay?

But I'm not a mechanic.

- What?

- Uh-ah.

- You're not a mechanic?

Rich, I watched you work on my car.

- Yeah, you might've watched me work.

Oh, shit. - Hold the fuck up!

Oh, is this the punk ass nigga that fucked your car up?

- That's him.

Mhm.

- Well, I've been waiting for you ever since I got out.

- Uh...

This your sister?

- Yup, this is my baby brother, the D-Man.

- The demon?

He's the demon?

- D-Man, nigga!

What the fuck that say?

- Um, that's a D.

Man. D-Man.

- Now why the would she be calling me a demon?

- I have no idea.

- That's my nickname for Demetrius.

The D-Man.

- The nickname.

Oh, okay. 'Cause that's funny.

'Cause when you say D-Man, I thought you meant demon.

Oh, crap.

- I explained all of this in the letters

that I wrote to your office.

Didn't you get 'em?

I said that my brother, the D-Man,

was getting out of prison,

and that he was gonna hunt your punk ass down and murder you

if you didn't come back to fix my car.

I thought that's why you were here, to fix my car,

and to get back this dildo that you left behind.

- Hey, that ain't mine!

- Are you sure?

- Nah, I don't need that.

- What the fuck, man?

- Did you send a penis burglar or not?

I'm real confused right now.

- What?

What the hell you talking about?

- I just...

Oh!

(suspenseful music)

(Joanna mutters)

- Get your ass back here!

(Rich grunts)

- Aw, shit!

(Rich grunts)

- Listen up, you look pretty grease monkey.

- Pretty grease monkey?

- Now you done disrespected my sister long enough.

Now, you gonna fix her car today.

You got that?

- He can't fix shit!

He just told me he wasn't even a real mechanic.

- Oh, you're not a mechanic?

You're a liar?

- Man, ain't nobody lying.

- Oh, so you calling my sister a liar.

- I'm not calling your sister a liar.

She just can't hear very well. - What?

- She misunderstood, see...

I'm not a mechanic. I'm an automotive engineer.

Yes.

Top university.

Actually, I was gonna go to graduate school

and learn more about cars,

like the back side of the car, and the front side.

And the tires, how they actually roll.

And sometimes when the wheels go forward,

it looks like they're going backwards.

- All right, you know what?

We gonna go outside, and get to work.

Now if I find out you jacked up my sister's car

trying to get in her pants

with those interesting little sex toys...

(Rich grunts)

I'm gonna slam you up against these balls,

and I'm gonna rape you, nice and slow.

(Rich breathes heavily)

Uh, uh...

I meant I'm gonna kill you, nice and slow.

- Oh...

- Mm-mm, mm-mm.

I think he stalling.

- Start working, or I start punching.

- Huh? Oh no, no.

I think I almost got it, man. I almost got it.

Hey, D-Man. - Yeah?

- Why don't you hold this right here? Hold it steady.

- Get your weak ass out the way.

- Oh, cool, man.

You stronger than me. You stronger.

Joanna, go and start the car.

- Okay, okay. - [Rich] Okay, yeah.

- Okay.

(Joanna breathes heavily)

(engine sputters)

I'm turning it.

- Okay.

Just keep trying, put some wrist in it.

- Okay.

- Turn the key, girl.

- It's not turning over!

- Keep going, keep going.

(engine sputters)

(whimsical tense music)

Start the car.

Start the car.

Start the car, start the car!

- Hey, hey, hey!

(wrench clangs)

- Get him!

(suspenseful music) (car revs)

- [D-Man] Hey, hey!

(trash clatters) (cat snarls)

- Yo, D-Man, calm down! - Nah, fuck that, fuck that!

I'm gonna get his ass! His ass is mine.

I'm gonna be all over his ass.

- Um, is there something that you wanna tell Jojo, D-Man?

You know...

(intense drum music)

- Her name's Michelle, man.

I told her I was one of those- - Hold on, let me guess.

An accountant.

- Nah, nah, global financier.

I gave her financial advice.

Good guest though, man.

- Guess? Look at this place.

(dramatic classical music)

Don't you feel bad about what you do to these girls?

- Nah, man.

I mean, it's kind of hard to feel bad

when you're getting your groove on.

(Craig laughs) You feel me?

- Well, if your Johnson in that house,

you better hurry up and go get it,

before that get repossessed.

- Fo' sho.

(papers crumpling)

(doorbell rings)

Damn.

Even the doorbell's broke.

(Rich knocks)

- [Michelle] I've got no money! Go away!

- Oh, it's me!

Richard Trump.

Hey.

I got this weird question to ask you.

- $5,000.

- What?

- Yeah.

That's how much I charge to speak to assholes.

- Assholes? Assholes?

(door slams) Oh!

(Rich knocks)

- You got my $5,000?

- No, I just need to...

(door slams)

(Rich knocks)

Hey!

- You got my $5,000?

- What's wrong with you, woman? Why you keep asking me that?

I haven't even left this spot.

You know that!

- Look, five grand, then we speak, Tricky Dick.

- Tricky Dick?

See? See?

Oh, no! (door slams)

This is a kidnapping, okay?

You sent that demon down there to steal my penis,

and now you want 5,000 for ransom?

(Mailman laughs)

- Man, you are a mess.

(Mailman chuckles)

- Oh, man, whatever.

Hey! (Rich knocks)

Michelle!

I want my penis back!

Michelle!

Man, this is a waste of time.

- Did you like her?

Was she pretty?

Did you like the succubus I sent

to steal your little wee wee?

(Michelle cackles)

(intense drum music)

- Let me see it, show me the jar.

- No.

It's under my bed, and that's where it's gonna stay,

unless you pay up.

- $5,000?

That's a lot of money.

- Shouldn't be, for a global financier like yourself,

Richard Chump.

Cash, by midnight, or you can kiss your Tricky Dick goodbye.

- Wait, wait... (door slams)

Fuck!

Shit!

(whimsical vocal music)

(car honks)

Hey, man. Got these watches for you to check.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Great.

- They're good, right?

- Seen better, seen worse.

Give you a grand.

- A grand?

Come on, man. Are you serious?

(cash register dings)

Okay, you are serious.

Um, but look.

These are Rolexes, Movados, automatic movement.

All right, they are replicas,

but they're good replicas though.

The best replicas you could ever buy.

- Replicas?

(whimsical vocal music continues)

Hey, you're right.

That changes everything.

(everyone laughing)

(whimsical vocal music continues)

200 bucks, take it or leave it. (Craig laughs)

- Oh. - Oh, damn!

(watches clattering)

(whimsical vocal music continues)

- Oh, wait, look.

I point too. Look, I point too.

Oh, maybe I'll point, look.

Get outta here!

- You sure about this, Rich?

I hear this dude ATM is no joke.

He collects body parts.

- Come on, man. That's crazy.

You know how people exaggerate.

(car thudding)

- The faster we get paid,

the faster you get your thumbs back!

(car thuds)

(man groans) (dog faintly barks)

- I guess that gives a whole new meaning to loan shark, huh?

(catchy groovy music)

♪ Woo ♪

♪ ATM ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ ATM ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ ATM ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ ATM ♪

♪ Sho nuff ♪

- His name is Rich.

He needs a loan.

- Well, how about some refreshments, Rich?

How about like a beer?

Cigar?

Or a little ass?

(Rich chuckles)

- You know what? Nah, I'll just take some water.

- Okay.

- Ice?

- Yeah, you know, I would like some cubes.

Oh, thumbs! Oh, thumbs.

Thumbs. (everyone laughing)

No, that's all right.

(everyone laughs)

You know what? I'm gonna pass on the ice.

'Cause you know, actually, ice water's not good for me.

It freezes up my organs.

(everyone laughs)

- That's a funny nigga.

I like funny niggas, man.

See, funny niggas got jokes, man.

Not lies and schemes to rip me off.

You comprende, Rich?

- Yeah, si, si. (girls laughing)

Si. (ATM laughs)

- So how much we talkin' about, bruh?

- Uh...

Look, man.

I need 5,000.

- 5,000?

- Yeah.

- Well, you got any collateral?

- Well, yeah.

I actually have these nice replica watches.

They're real nice.

- Rich.

I'm talking about a car, man.

Or a house.

- Dang, man. Well, I ain't got nothin'.

- Nothin'?

Well, brother, put yourself in my Jordans.

- What's your shoe size?

- Oh, I wear a 12 D.

- Wow.

- See, I need insurances, baby.

Guarantees.

This thumb thing, man?

Cutting up a nigga's thumb is messy, man.

Gets blood all over my carpet.

Bruh bruh...

You know expensive it is to clean my carpets every week?

- You know what though? You know what I can give you?

I can give you my word of honor.

(girls chuckling)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Word of honor, man to man.

(ATM laughs) (girls laughing)

(Bash laughs)

- Like a badge, huh?

- [Rich] Yeah.

- Man to man. - Yeah.

Nah?

Okay, look, we can work something out.

Okay, check this out.

How about, okay, 5,000.

- Okay.

- With an interest rate of 6%.

- Like them banks. - Like a bank, like a bank.

So I pay you 50 a month. - Uh huh.

- Okay, if you don't like 50, then I could do 75 a month.

- 75 a month?

- Yeah, but I would like to have the option, you know,

to not pay if I miss a payment, you know?

'Cause that might happen.

'Cause a lot of emergencies.

And- - Oh, in case of emergencies.

(girls laughing) (ATM chuckles)

- Yeah, you know, emergencies.

- Check this out, dog.

I'm running a criminal enterprise here, okay?

I ain't running no comedy club.

Sorry, dog. I can't do it.

Oh, yeah!

Check this out.

I'm having a party next Saturday night, man.

Now you come by, and you do this exact same routine

in front of them heavy hitters and OGs,

man, they'll love you.

You game?

- So that means I get the 5,000, right?

- I can loan you two.

- I can't take two, man. I need five.

- Well, Rich, lemme tell you something, man.

- Huh? Oh, you gettin' aggressive.

- Now obviously you ain't got shit, do you?

See, but if you come to my party,

and make a complete jackass of yourself for $2,000,

I can let that slide if you miss a payment.

But for $5,000...

Nigga, I'm gonna treat you like the rest of them

buster ass niggas that come up in here.

Do you feel me?

- It's 5,000 or nothin'!

(girls oohing)

(ATM laughs)

- That nigga really is crazy, man.

What's the emergency, man?

Come on, maybe I can help you.

- Um...

This girl stole my penis, and she holding it for ransom,

and if I don't bring her 5,000 by the end of the day,

it's gone forever.

- Wh...

(ATM laughs)

(girls laughing) What?

- No, for real, I'm serious.

You wanna see?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Hey, back up, back up!

- Put that away, boy. What's wrong with you, man?

- Okay, all right.

- Give that fool his 5,000, okay?

Nigga, you miss one payment- - Okay.

- I'm gonna cut your dick off for real,

and shove it in your mouth. You hear me?

- Yeah, I'll pay you. I don't want dicks in my mouth.

- All right.

(Rich grunts)

Give that fool his money.

- Okay, okay.

- Ooh, they're gonna love him at the party.

(door creaks)

(dogs barking)

- Ugh!

(cell phone beeps)

(cell phone rings)

Come on.

(dog faintly barks)

- [Craig] Yeah, what's up?

It's your boy, Craig,

and I ain't answering the phone for a reason.

I'll call you back if I feel like it.

- Shit!

(cell phone beeps)

(cell phone rings) Yo, pick up, man.

Pick up, man.

Come on, man.

(Rich breathes heavily) (tense piano music)

- [Craig] Yo, what's up?

- Oh, shit. - You fucked up.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Come on, man.

I'll do anything.

I'll do anything.

- Really?

You sure?

(Rich whines)

- Okay, no, not anything. Just kill me, man. Just kill me.

Make it quick. - Whatever you say.

- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You dropped that?

Man, that's 5,000. - Holy shit.

- Uh huh. Go and get that.

Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm gonna make you eat that.

(Rich exhales)

- Okay.

(Rich grunts)

(suspenseful music)

D-Man, D-Man!

- Whoa, man.

How did he find you?

- How did I lose you, man? Where were you?

- Man, I got hungry, man.

I feel your pain. I do.

But a brother gotta eat.

Oh, I was getting dizzy.

You get the money?

- Yeah, I got the money!

Drive before he wake up!

- All right.

Oh, shit.

(doorbell rings)

- I have your $5,000.

Ah, ah.

Let me see the hostage first. - You're not tired of me

slamming this door in your face yet?

(Michelle sniffs)

- What are you? A Korean grocer?

(pen scribbles)

So we good?

Oh...

Oh!

(Michelle laughs)

- How does it feel, huh?

To be lied to and manipulated

about something so important to you?

Sucks, huh?

- Well, wait...

You knew about the jar and the succubus.

- My friend is from Haiti.

She's always telling me spooky stories like that.

I just never really believed them

until you showed up talkin' all crazy.

And I figured I'd give it a shot, and it paid off.

(Michelle chuckles)

This should put a nice dent in my debt.

- No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You gotta gimme that money back.

- You lay one finger on me,

and I'll scream "rape" so loud,

they're gonna lock you up just to keep me quiet.

- Michelle.

Come on. Please, Michelle.

- Michelle?

Who's that?

My name is Payback.

And, well...

Payback's a bitch.

Get out!

(mellow bass music)

(cell phone rings)

- [ATM] Talk to me.

- It's Bash.

There's definitely something fishy about this cat.

- [ATM] All right, well, you just do your thing, man.

Whatever it takes.

Just get my cheese back.

- You know how I do.

(mellow bass music continues)

- Dude.

Listen, man. It's not that bad.

Okay, check this out.

Worst case scenario, look at it this way.

We got six hours, and only two girls left on your list.

If neither one of them works out,

we still got time to, you know, get a couple more.

- Yeah, I guess.

(somber piano music)

- Dude, are you crying?

- Man...

(Rich sobs)

You know what, man?

Just stop the car.

Just stop the car.

- Okay.

- Just stop the car. - Okay, man.

- I'm sorry, man. - Okay, man.

- Hey, you got your baseball glove?

- Yeah, I got it.

- Okay, get your glove.

- Okay, man.

Rich Griffey.

Come on. Just like when we was little.

Yeah. (glove thudding)

- I don't know. - Put her in here.

You can do it.

- You ready?

- Yes. Come on, man.

Put her in here.

- Okay.

(Rich gulps)

(Rich grunts)

(Craig laughs)

(Rich sobs)

- Uh oh.

- I'm turning into such a woman.

- No, man, it's okay.

Hey, hey.

Look at me.

It's all good, man.

(Rich sobs)

- Stop.

- Hey, is this better?

- Yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool.

- All right, just keep it together, man.

- Okay.

- Keep saying to yourself, "I'm a man."

- I'm a man.

- I'm a man. - I'm a man!

- I'm a man! - [Rich] I'm a man.

- [Craig] Yeah!

- I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm the man!

(Rich laughs)

Yeah.

I'm a man.

I'm a man!

(Rich grunts)

(Rich knocks)

I'm a man.

Oh.

Damn.

(bouncy music)

Hey.

Is Marisol home?

- You are a bad boy.

- Excuse me?

- You're that fake dermatologist

that gave Marisol that face infection.

- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

See, what happened with that,

I just recommended a few skin creams.

I ain't know she was gonna have all them allergies.

- Whatever. The skin grafts are almost healed.

She doesn't look half bad.

- Uh...

Who are you?

- Vicky.

Her roommate.

I heard every grunt and squeal you two made that night.

So it's kinda like we already met.

- Uh...

(Rich laughs)

Uh, is Marisol here?

- Good thing for you, she's not.

She'd kill you.

She praises God every night he'll strike you down.

- Damn!

- But she also says you were the best lay she ever had.

Multiple orgasms all night long.

(Rich laughs)

- Really?

You know what? Look.

I gotta get something outta Marisol's bedroom.

Can I do that real quick?

- Well, I don't know.

Seeing as how she hates your guts, it would be wrong of me

to let you invade her personal space.

What's in it for me?

- For you?

You mean, like money.

- Come on.

Quick. Before she gets back from surgery.

- Oh.

- So, what were you doing to her

to make her squeal like that?

Was it your tongue?

Or was it your stroke?

- Well, you know, it's a little bit of both.

I'm sexually ambidextrous.

- You so crazy.

- Huh?

Hey, this isn't Marisol.

- No.

Forget Marisol.

Wait, no.

Wait, no, no. - [Vicky] Do me, Rich.

- No, no, I can't.

- [Vicky] Do me like you did Marisol.

- No.

(Rich yelps)

Wait, no, wait.

Wait, no!

No means no.

- Why?

Don't you think I'm pretty?

(Rich gasps)

(Rich gasps)

- Yes.

See, um...

I need to get Viagra.

Because, see, without the Viagra,

there's no power down there.

No power in the tower.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh, no.

Oh, wait, see...

I tried to tell...

Oh, but you...

But... (record scratches)

Uh...

- When you said nothing, you really meant nothing.

- Oh, get outta here!

(Rich yells)

- What the hell are you doing in my house?

(Marisol speaks in Spanish)

- No, no.

Marisol! Marisol!

No, no, stop, stop!

(intense music)

- I know it's under here somewhere.

(Rich grunts)

Oh, damn it!

- Your fault my face is like this.

Your fault, pendejo! (taser zaps)

Shut up, pendejo. (Rich grunts)

(Marisol speaks in Spanish)

Look at what you did to my face!

- Get your hands off of me!

(Rich grunts)

- That's enough, that's enough.

- Who are you?

- Don't worry about who I am. I'm not here for you.

I'm here for him.

Now get your ass in the closet.

- In the closet? I-

- Get in the goddamn closet, you fake ass King Tut!

You too, shorty.

(Rich grunts) (bouncy piano music)

- Hey, man. I'm glad to see you.

How'd you get in here?

- Don't worry about how I got in here.

ATM wants his money, now.

- What? Why?

- Why?

You ain't read the small print in the contract?

- Man, what contract?

- Exactly.

Now where's his money?

- Ooh, ooh.

Well, see, I don't have it.

But you know, a deal's a deal.

Right?

(chuckles) No backsies?

- No backsies.

- [Rich] No backsies.

(Rich and Bash chuckling)

- Yeah. I like you, man.

- No backsies.

- Funny ass nigga.

Where the fuck is his money?

- Suddenly, I can't answer.

- Oh, you can't answer?

You know what? I'm getting tired of your mouth.

Get in the fuckin' car, man.

ATM's waiting.

Let's go. Let's go.

- Mr. Jones is not going anywhere with you.

- Yo, who the fuck is you, man.

- Stone, federal agent.

You?

- Bash. Street thug, nigga.

- [Stone] Walk away, Bash. All I want is Mr. Jones.

- Mr. Jones ain't going nowhere.

He owes my boss some loot.

Well, considering he's a hostile alien life form,

I doubt he's fuckin' good for it.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- Have you ever heard of a Podsidian?

- Yeah, it's a alien with no dick.

So what? What it gotta do with him?

- Mr. Jones is a confirmed Pod.

- What?

- He's got no dick!

- It's true, it's true.

(mysterious music)

- Aight, aight. Yeah, yeah, he did say something crazy

about he ain't have no dick.

So what, man?

Matter of fact, I shouldn't even be talking

to you about this.

Yo, what the f...

The hell?

- Aw, shit!

- Son of a bitch!

I'm gonna get him!

Damn! - Damn it!

- Son of a bitch!

- Hey, man.

Is there a reward if we catch one of these Pods, man?

- Officially, no.

Unofficially, $5 million.

Dead or alive.

- No shit?

- No shit.

If you capture the entity before I do,

utilize this super secret number.

(cell phone rings)

- What's up, boss?

Nah, it's like this nigga just keeps disappearing, man.

Oh, yeah, most def.

I'm gonna keep looking for him.

(Bash chuckles)

You could take that to the bank.

- Did that motherfucker call me King Tut?

(intense drum music)

- Welp, last one on the list.

- Yeah, saved the worst for last.

- The worst?

What could be worse than the crap

you put on them other girls?

- Man, it's not what I did.

It's how she reacted.

Lisa's crazy.

Look. This is the picture I took of her last time

she ambushed me.

- [Craig] Damn.

- First it started with the death threats,

then she put dead rats in the mail.

Then she got violent.

I could show you the scars.

- What in the world did you do to her?

- I told her I was a photographer,

but I took some bad pictures.

- Bad?

Oh, you mean like nude?

(Craig laughs)

- Nah, man, not nude.

Just out of focus, bad framing.

- And for that she went "Fatal Attraction" on you?

- Man, she's a wannabe model.

She swears she missed her big break

because I screwed up her portfolio.

- Oh, well, this should've been the first stop

on the Save Rich's Dingaling Tour.

- Man, are you hearing anything I'm saying?

I'm scared of this girl.

I thought we wouldn't even have to come here.

- Aye.

You want me to come in with you?

- Nah, it's cool.

I don't wanna get both of us killed.

- Me either.

(tense whimsical music)

(knife stabbing)

(tense whimsical music continues)

(knife stabbing)

(tense whimsical music continues)

(tense whimsical music continues)

(knife stabbing)

(tense whimsical music fades)

- Ooh, these are nice.

Ooh, man. Ow!

- Don't move, motherfucker!

(Rich gasps)

Get up and turn around nice and fucking slow.

- Okay, okay.

I'm so sorry, Lisa.

I'm so...

Woo!

Don't kill me.

- Richard?

Richard Leibowitz!

Oh my!

- (chuckles) Richard Leib-

- Oh my God! - Oh!

So, what's this play about?

- Well, it's called Hot Blooded.

Basically, I'm infected with these alien spores,

and they make me wanna kill men

in the most vicious ways possible.

- Wow, vicious way possible.

That's interesting.

- So, what have you been up to?

- Well, I've been running around

trying to get my life together.

Literally.

- That's nice.

It's good to know that you have your head on straight.

(Rich laughs)

- Yeah, I'm working on it.

Hey, so don't you wanna know why I was in your bedroom?

- I'm pretty sure you had some

perfectly logical explanation.

- Well, yeah, yeah.

Actually, I do. I forgot my lucky penny.

(Rich laughs)

Yeah, my lucky penny.

And I didn't wanna bother you with it,

considering our things we've been through, you know?

- I'm not that crazy person anymore, Richard.

- Wow, yeah. I can see that.

Like you're really changed.

- I know.

I've totally taught myself

to turn all that negative energy

into positive things, like my writing.

- Mm.

- You know, I've learned to relax,

learned to just let go and embrace life.

You know, I've got my family,

I've got my friends, got my job at Walmart.

I mean, do I really need this multimillion dollar

dream job, Glamour Girl, that would make me world famous?

Because at the end of the day,

there's just so much more to think about.

You know what I'm saying, Richard?

- Yeah.

I do.

I think so.

- Oh, drink your tea.

It's organic.

Good for the digestion.

- Organic? (chuckles)

(tense whimsical music)

- What? You think I poisoned it?

(Rich laughs)

- Poisoned?

You're silly.

Is it?

- Oh, God. Give it here.

Do you want me to take the first sip?

- No, no, no, no, it's okay.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure. I'm insulting you.

Let me taste this sip.

(Rich gulps)

Ooh. That's actually good.

- Really?

- Mhm. Yeah, girl, that's good.

Oh...

- Glad you like it.

- Yeah, I do.

(Rich laughs)

Wow.

All right, well...

Can I go see if that penny's in your bedroom?

- Be my guest.

- Okay. All right.

You're so sweet now. It's crazy.

(tea splashes)

(tense whimsical music continues)

- Any minute now.

(Rich grunts)

- Aw, shit!

(stomach rumbling)

Oh!

(Rich groans)

Oh...

(stomach rumbling)

Oh...

(Lisa laughs)

Oh...

(stomach rumbling)

(Rich gasps)

It was poison in that tea!

(stomach rumbling)

- Oh, no, stupid.

The old me would've poisoned you.

(Rich yells)

The new me's just much more...

(Rich groans)

Creative.

Extra strength horse laxative.

(Rich farts)

See, you'll live, dear.

You'll just wish you were dead.

(Rich whinnies)

Your problem is, Richard...

Is that you're full of shit.

(Rich whinnies)

And this solves that problem.

Well... (Rich whinnies)

At least temporarily.

(Lisa chuckles)

- Oh, God!

You whore!

(Rich yells)

(dramatic music) (Lisa cackles)

(Rich farts)

(Rich groans)

(Rich farts)

Oh, no!

(Rich farts)

Drive! Drive!

Hurry up! - What the hell she do to you?

(Rich farts) (Rich yells)

Oh, what the fuck was that?

- It's my stomach!

She gave me horse laxatives!

I'm about to blow!

Oh, oh, oh! - Okay, okay, okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

(Craig and Rich screaming)

Oh, no, no, no, no! (Rich farts)

Put that back in! Put it back in!

(Rich farts)

Come on, put it back.

(Rich yells) Put it back.

Hold on. Keep it in, man.

Just keep it inside, man.

(Rich yells) (Craig mumbles)

(Craig and Rich yelling)

(Rich farts)

(Craig and Rich yelling)

(Rich farts) - Hurry, man!

My stomach's a bubblin'!

- No, no, no, no, no! - My stomach's a bubblin'!

- No, no, no, no! - Oh, it's bubblin'!

- No! Don't do it! - Oh, my booty!

- Just give me a second, just give me a second.

We're almost there.

We only got a couple more turns, a couple more turns.

(Rich yells) Keep it all here, man.

Keep it all here.

Don't let it erupt! (Rich yells)

Don't let it erupt!

Okay.

Hold it, just hold it.

We only got a couple blocks left.

You hear me, Rich?

It's gonna be okay.

(Rich farts) Talk to me, man.

(poop squelches) Say something.

Let me know you're okay.

Let me know you're doing f...

- Sorry, dude.

- Sorry for what?

Aw, damn!

Aw, damn!

Aw!

(Craig yells)

(Craig knocks)

Yo, Rich.

You all right, man?

You been in there nearly two hours.

Aye.

You're gonna need to get some new wallpaper.

(Craig coughs)

- [Craig] How the clothes fit, man?

- They cool.

Pants make my hips look big,

and the shirt really don't match my complexion.

At least I ain't mess up my shoes though.

(Rich chuckles)

- You messed everything else up.

I mean, it look like nuclear fallout, but worse.

Much worse.

- I'm sorry, dude.

But thanks though.

- It's okay. You would've did the same for me.

(Rich laughs)

- Not really.

(Rich chuckles)

- Look, man, it's 9 o'clock, we got three hours left.

We could squeeze in three girls if we hurry.

- Nah, man. I'm giving up on girls.

I had a lot to think about while I was in the bathroom.

Hey, can monks watch cable TV?

- You can't be a monk!

You ain't even religious.

- Man, I found God while I was in the bathroom.

Ever since the devil took my penis, I'm riding with Jesus.

Hey, man...

Who are all these women looking at me?

- [Craig] They're my sisters.

(Rich laughs)

- For real?

I mean, you must really like your sisters.

- I love my sisters, Rich.

I was raised to have respect for women,

unlike some people I know.

- Damn, man.

- Sorry.

- We've been friends for a long time.

I find it kind of weird

that you've never introduced me to any of your sisters.

- They live in San Diego with my parents, Rich.

You know that.

- But they don't come to visit or anything like that?

I mean, you guys look really close.

Ooh, this one right here, she real sexy.

- Hey, you wasting your time now.

Now put that down, man!

Leave her alone. Stop touching stuff, man!

- "Voodoo for Idiots"?

Yo, is that how you knew about all that voodoo stuff?

- Naw, man. I found most of that on the internet.

I ain't even know I still have that. Gimme...

Gimme this.

Look.

Hey, I'm not about to let you give up.

Now I got the car hosed down, we can do this.

Come on, let's go.

- Yeah, you know what, man?

You right.

You know what else? You been really amazing.

I mean, you done stuck by me through all this danger, man.

The humiliation.

You're like the best friend I ever had.

(Craig chuckles)

(soft piano music)

Come on in. Come on.

Thanks, bruh.

- Uh, okay.

Uncomfortable.

All right.

Let's go, man.

- Let's go. - All right.

- Let's do it.

(record scratches) (Rich grunts)

- No, no. - Wait a minute.

- No, no, no, no! Not again!

Oh, no!

(Rich groans)

(tense drum music)

(tense drum music continues)

Rick.

Yo, Rick.

(Craig knocks)

Yo, man.

Hey.

Rick.

(tense drum music continues)

(door creaks)

Rich.

What you doing in here?

(jar buzzes)

- Why, man?

Why?

- 'Cause you're a pig!

And you treat women like crap!

And it's time somebody taught you a lesson.

- Okay, Craig.

I learned my lesson.

All right?

So, what now?

You gonna gimme my penis back at the last minute?

- Honestly, no.

- Oh, so I'm supposed to be dickless the rest of my life?

- You deserve worse.

- Man, I thought we were friends.

- Friends?

You rubbed your sexual conquests in my face,

showed me endless pictures of hot girls

that I can only dream about.

And that's what you call being my friend?

- Oh, so that's what this is.

Your ass just jealous.

(Craig chuckles)

- Yeah, I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of a jerk, whose self-esteem is so low

that he gotta trick girls to get 'em in bed.

- Nah, man.

You just jealous of a jerk that can get a girl.

And all you have is your ugly ass sisters.

She ugly, she ugly!

Look at her, she still got a Jheri curl.

And look at this one right here.

She so ugly, man,

people just turn around when they see her.

And this...

(Rich gasps)

Um, you know, this one, she's actually kinda cute.

- Gimme the jar.

- So you gonna kill me, Craig?

- Give me the jar, now!

- Go on and kill me, then.

'Cause I'd rather be dead than dickless.

- Okay.

- Okay, don't.

I was just playing.

I don't wanna die.

You know what?

Don't kill me, man. Let's talk about this.

You know that one time, when we was little.

You remember?

And I said that you was my...

Oh, shit

(suspenseful vocal music)

♪ I gotta run away quick ♪

♪ Got hurry up and flee ♪

♪ Time's not on my side ♪

♪ Chasin' after me ♪

♪ Aye, oh ♪

♪ Aye, oh ♪

♪ I gotta get away quick ♪

♪ Gotta move real fast ♪

♪ 'Cause if all these people catch me ♪

♪ Then it's gonna be my last ♪

(suspenseful vocal music)

(suspenseful vocal music continues)

- [Bash] Get him!

(Bash grunts) - [D-Man] Oh, shit!

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

- I'll kill you!

Come here!

- Come get your ass back here!

- Y'all better grab him!

(Bash groans)

- I'm gonna lick your ass when I...

I'm gonna bust your ass when I catch you!

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

♪ Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah ♪

- I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it!

- Excellent.

But you have to calm down. What's wrong?

- Look, I don't mean to rush you or anything,

but please, please, you gotta hurry up,

because I got some real bad people behind me.

- Those bad people are of no concern to I and I.

Now just- - Freeze!

- Don't make a fuckin' move.

- Found yo ass.

- Both of you stand down.

This man is now a prisoner

of the United States government.

- Man, bullshit.

It's my prisoner. My reward.

- Fuck that, both of y'all can have him.

I just wanna beat him off first.

Uh, down.

Beat him down.

- All of you, put down your weapons.

- Lookie here, Miss Cleo.

You stay outta this, or you gonna get something too.

- Oh, Cleo?

(Dr. LaCroix shouts)

(Bash grunts)

- Woo! Jedi powers!

That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!

Did did you kill 'em though?

- No, just asleep.

Now, let me see this thing.

- Yeah.

- How the light is fading.

This is your life force of your manhood dying.

- Are you saying the life force of my penis?

You know what? I don't care about that.

Just come on, how do I re-attach it?

- [Craig] You don't.

- What?

See, that's the dude that put the mojo on me.

Get him, get him!

Do the mpah!

Mpah!

Come on, do it. Push it out now.

- Sorry about all this mess, sis.

- Sis?

I knew y'all ears lookalike.

- Mhm.

Actually, I got five sisters.

Cassandra's the black sheep of the family.

- This means I don't get my dick back, huh?

- Mpah!

- Goodnight.

(mysterious chanting music)

(Rich grunts)

(Michelle laughs)

- What are y'all doin'?

Stop!

Why am I tied up?

(Rich grunts)

No!

No! (Bash barks)

This is crazy!

Oh, no!

Oh!

(Rich screeches)

Oh...

What...

What...

Stop staring at me like that.

Huh?

(mysterious chanting music continues)

Is that the jar?

Is that the jar?

(Rich grunts)

Give it back!

Give it back!

I need it!

(clock chimes)

Oh!

All y'all humming.

What's all the "mm"?

Oh, Lisa.

Michelle!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Marisol! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Alice!

Oh, no, I didn't mean it!

I'm sorry, Alice!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Please, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, stop!

No, stop!

No!

No!

Oh, no!

I'm sorry!

No!

No!

No!

- Rich. (Rich groans)

Wake up, man.

Get up, man.

Rich.

You're awake! Aye.

- Oh, man. My head.

- Wake up!

Hey, Rich.

(Rich screams)

(Craig yells)

- Where is he?

- Man, what's going on?

Where are we?

- On our corner.

Look, man.

This girl kicked you in your balls,

and you was out for like a whole minute.

- A minute?

- [Craig] Mhm.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That means, that means...

Oh!

Yes, yes!

Oh, it was a dream!

Oh, yes!

Oh, I'm back!

I'm back in business!

- We outside, man!

Put that thing away!

- Little Richard!

Yes, Little Richard is there!

Oh, it was just a dream, man!

It was a dream!

Oh!

- No, don't touch me with that hand!

Hey, don't touch me with that hand.

- Come on! - No, stop!

- Don't be scared! - Stop!

- [Rich] Gimme a hug! - This is a stop sign!

- This is a celebration!

- Don't touch that hand! I know where it's been.

I've been in your trunk.

(bouncy music)

(car honks)

- I don't believe it.

You know, you really have some nerve

showing your face around here.

- Look, I'm really sorry.

And, well, here you go.

- Joseph's?

Beverly Hills?

This is where J.Lo gets her hair done.

- Mhm.

(Rich chuckles)

(both laughing)

Hey, tell J. Lo I said hi.

Okay?

(bouncy catchy music continues)

(truck screeches)

- You already ruined my new car.

What you wanna do now?

Drag it out to the ocean and bury it at sea?

- No, no, no.

He's gonna take it to the dealership, repair everything.

The bill's gonna be sent to me.

It's my way of saying I'm sorry.

- Oh, what's up, little man?

- What up, man?

Ow.

Like that, huh?

(Demetrius laughs)

(Joanna laughs) Get out!

- You remember my little brother Demetrius?

- Yeah, I cannot forget D-Man.

(Rich laughs)

All right, man. I gotta go.

Take care.

- Thanks a lot, Rich.

- Oh, no problem.

(bouncy music continues)

- Mark Williams, nice to meet you.

- Thank you, Richard.

Thank you.

- Take care.

- You too.

- Here's my card. We're gonna take care of you.

(bouncy music continues)

- You ready?

This way.

(bouncy music continues)

- Yo, Rich, how are you?

- What's up, man? - Very good.

Who is this beautiful exquisite young lady?

- Lisa.

- Randall. Very nice to meet you. You are just exquisite.

(Randall chuckles)

Oh.

- Well, Lisa, like I said, this is Randall Forte,

he is the creative director of "Glamour Girl".

And I kinda told him how I screwed up your portfolio.

I asked him if he could possibly help me out.

- He begged.

- Yeah, I begged.

(Rich laughs) If he could help me out.

- And I'm so glad he did.

You are gonna make a terrific Glamour Girl model.

Wow. Very good job. - No problem.

- Thank you for bringing me her.

- Well, you guys talk, all right?

- Hm. - Yeah.

Oh? You want a hug?

(Rich laughs)

- Please, let's go into my office.

- Take care.

- Thank you.

(catchy hiphop instrumental music)

♪ Rappers runnin' high when they see the burner let loose ♪

♪ How hot is hot ♪

♪ This is as good as it gets ♪

- Don't you want a condo? You want a condo, right?

- [Man] Hell naw!

- Hey, you know what? I still don't understand something.

If you ain't have no penis, how you go to the bathroom?

- You don't have potty breaks in nightmares.

- Bed wetters do.

- Hey, that's a good point.

- Hey, I used to bed wet when I was little.

Don't tell nobody.

Hey, man, I just said don't tell nobody!

What, Rich...

(tense drum music)

- Thanks.

Are you okay?

- Um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm cool.

So, you throwing a party?

- Yeah, a fundraiser for my friend's operation.

You should come.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to know

a really good DJ, would you?

Someone you know that'll work for free?

I'd be forever grateful to him.

- You know, actually, I'm a-

- You're what? A DJ?

- No. I'm an arrow shaker.

- A what?

- Yeah, you know, an arrow shaker.

The ones that direct you to the condos.

(record scratches) - Yeah, okay.

(Craig chuckles)

- Dude, you had her smiling and everything.

I can't believe you let that go.

- Ah, it's cool, man.

Maybe it was for the best.

(Craig laughs)

♪ That boy had a change of heart ♪

♪ A change of heart ♪

♪ A chance of heart, yeah ♪

- Wow, you're actually pretty good at that.

- Ah, you came back to spit on me?

- No, I came back to give you one of these.

- Oh, you want me to direct people to the party?

- Look, I'm really sorry.

I could be so stuck up sometimes,

and I don't even know why I behave like that.

It's not really me, it's just-

- I understand.

It just comes out before you could stop it.

And all you really want to do is just be yourself.

- Yeah, exactly.

So, will you come to the party?

Please?

- I don't know. I got a date that night.

- Oh, really?

Actually, uh, she's right over...

There.

(Mia chuckles)

(soft mellow R&B music)

(Craig laughs)

- All right, Mr. Arrow Shaker.

Pick me up at eight.

Bye.

- Bye.

- [Both] "Mmm".

- Man, I'm not even dreaming.

- You want me to kick you in your nuts to find out?

- Nah, I'm cool.

- [Craig] Just a little bit. Just like a love tap.

- Nah, no love taps.

- Not even that hard.

- Nah, nah.

No nut touchin'.

(Craig grunts)

(Craig laughs)

- Oh, you little shit!

You're gonna get it!

Get your little butt back here!

(Craig laughs)

♪ I used to do anything to get in girls' pants ♪

♪ And I did ♪

♪ Things to please my penis ♪

♪ Till one day, a green in my house ♪

♪ And then pow ♪

♪ She took my penis ♪

♪ My penis is my best friend in the world ♪

♪ And most of you will agree ♪

♪ 'Cause when I lost my penis ♪

♪ I learned a lot ♪

♪ So now it's just my penis and me ♪

♪ So from that day on ♪

♪ I went on a hunt ♪

♪ Door to door so I could find my penis ♪

♪ I had to make up for what I did before ♪

♪ Look under beds ♪

♪ Just to find my penis ♪

♪ My penis is my best friend in the world ♪

♪ And most of you will agree ♪

♪ That when I lost my penis ♪

♪ I learned a lot ♪

♪ So now it's just my penis and ♪

♪ Just my penis and me ♪

♪ Hey, give back my penis ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ I really want my penis ♪

♪ My penis is my best friend in the world ♪

♪ And most of you will agree ♪

♪ That when I lost my penis ♪

♪ I learned a lot ♪

♪ So now it's just my penis and me ♪

(mellow hiphop instrumental music) ♪ Push it and out ♪

♪ Fortress of Attitude ♪

♪ Damn Good I Did Productions ♪

♪ From now to 2009 ♪

♪ Where my dick at ♪

♪ I don't have a clue ♪

♪ The last time I saw it I was using it to screw ♪

♪ She used some voodoo ♪

♪ What would you do ♪

♪ Gotta find the bitch who gripped and ripped my dick ♪

♪ 'Cause yo, that just ain't cool, dude ♪

♪ Now I'm door to door knocking ♪

♪ The clock is tick tocking ♪

♪ While I see which of my exes ♪

♪ Is the one that's cock blocking ♪

♪ Dick is coming soon ♪

♪ And things are about to get sticky ♪

♪ I screwed 'em all ♪

♪ So trackin' the worst will be tricky ♪

♪ I'm in a tight spot ♪

♪ Balls seeking trouble, stomach feelin' sick ♪

♪ If I can't find it ♪

♪ Is it too late to hire a Private Dick ♪

♪ Oh, See Dick Run ♪

♪ See Dick go ♪

♪ See Dick trying to catch up with my sick flow ♪

♪ See Dick Run ♪

♪ See Dick grow ♪