Original subtitles

[Drum rolls]

[Upbeat music plays]

[Upbeat music continues to play]

[Vibrating sound]

- Well, hello babe.

- Hey, Charlie!

[Vibrating sound] [Birds chirping]

It's always time. Why don't you come to us, Charlie?

[Birds chirping]

I want you to give it to us, Charlie. While we are waiting.

- We're so desperate for you to give us a damn good seeing to.

- Take your top off.

- What's that, Charlie? - Take your sexy top off, please.

- Oh yes.

- You're so kinky, Charlie, but it's time for you to get up

now. Come meet us at Nude Camp. - Yeah, I'll be there real

soon. Yeah. Take your top off, come on.

Come on, quickly now.

- Come to me, Charlie.

[Giggles]

- Yeah. Come on. It's time to get up.

Charlie, uh, Charlie, you lazy bastard.

It's time to get up.

- Hmm, feisty

[Chuckles]

- Damn pervert.

Are you touching yourself on my bloody couch?

Get up and fuck off out of my house.

- Sorry, Mrs. Cockburn

[Slaps]

- Now, if you would save that for your girlfriend

and giving her a good time, maybe she wouldn't have been getting

all freaky and moist with your fucking neighbor.

[Footsteps]

- Is Billy up yet?

- How the hell am I supposed to know?

- Well, I don't know, maybe because he's your son and he

lives in your house. - He's 40 years old. I stopped wiping his

ass almost 10 years ago. What the fuck do I care where

where he is? - I'm just gonna go and get ready.

[Birds chirping] [Door creaking]

- God, out!

- I wasn't even hitting on your missus.

- [Inaudible] - Oh Rodney!

Don't be like that. - Go away. - It doesn't matter anyway,

I'm going on holiday where there's tons of hot babes, I'll

be tripping over them.

[Door creaking]

[Door closes]

- The only thing you'll be tripping over, Billy,

is your own feet, you drunken git.

Oh how dare you?

[Door creaking]

[Door closes]

[Birds chirping]

[Footsteps]

[Footsteps]

[Knocks on door]

- Billy

[Knocks on door]

Billy, it's time to get up. It's already time, it's time

for us to shag lots and lots of hot naked babes.

[Woman laughs]

- You couldn't shag your way out of a condom packet.

Knowing you, you'd

blow your load before you got it on.

[Woman laughs]

- I'm just gonna freshen up.

I'll see you down by the car.

[Exhales deeply]

[Door closes]

[Birds chirping]

[Burps loudly]

- That's better. Oh bloody danger kicking up again

[Paper rustles]

- Don't worry, I'll still have some left for you when I get back

[Birds chirping]

Oh what's the time?

Oh I lost my fucking watch.

I don't wanna be late.

[Leaves rustles]

[Footsteps]

[Paper rustles]

[Kisses]

- I saw that.

[Door closes]

[Music plays]

Be careful.

[Footsteps]

You'll give yourself another banger.

- Please stop looking at my penis, Mrs. Cockburn.

[Zips]

- I'm just waiting for it to go off.

[Rattling sounds]

[Gasps]

- Oh God.

[Zips] [Screams]

[Grunts]

- You know, sometimes I wonder why you and my boy have

been best friends for so long. I know it, it's because you're

both as fucking dumb as each other.

- I'm off now, Mrs. Cockburn.

[Door opens]

[Upbeat music plays]

- Billy, you're here. I thought you'd still be in a drunken

slumber. - No, not me. I'm ready to go and find the babes.

Have you been out all night again without me? - No. Why

would you say such a thing? - Oh, your breath. I could light

a match and flamber in your mouth.

- Oh, don't be silly, Charlie.

You know, I'd never go out without you and anyway, you've

got a lifetime ban from the dog and biscuit, so you couldn't,

come with me anyway. - I told them it was a bloody accident,

but they wouldn't listen. - Don't worry about it, Charlie.

- I wasn't wearing a belt that day and my trousers fell down.

- But they fell down more than once, didn't they? - Like I

said, I wasn't wearing a belt. - And if it wasn't for you

shouting "Come and get it if you're horny, babes" while waving

your tiny privates around all over the place. Your story

may well be justified. - Billy, I don't want to talk about this.

We're just about to start our journey to Nude Camp. - Yeah.

- Are you sure you're safe enough to drive? - Yeah.

- Well, don't you need them?

- Oh they're for seeing. - Oh.

[Upbeat music plays]

[Car door opens]

[Upbeat music plays in background]

♪ I'm sorry, I'm just a victim of your friendly ♪

♪ Gone decision. Girl, I don't mind but you just ♪

♪ Gonna need for gold ♪

[Music fades]

Well done, Billy, you've outdone yourself this time, getting

this holiday for us. Nude Camp. Wow! We're really doing it.

We're gonna see lots of hot naked women everywhere.

- Everywhere, this nudist camp won't know what's hit it when

we arrived. - It's not good. We're gonna have to pull over.

I need to relieve myself again. - Control yourself, Charlie,

save it for the hot babes. - No, no, no, I need to poo.

- Can you hold on a few miles? We've got a long way to go.

- Yeah. I can't wait to see that lovely beach. See the sun and-

- Shots? - Yeah.

♪ In my head I'm not so sure ♪

♪ And I keep om getting this feeling ♪

♪ But everything will be alright ♪

♪ I'm ready to fall but my feet can't cross the line♪

[Music fades]

[Upbeat music plays]

Hello again, you sexy babe. - Oh hey, Charlie, why don't you

come and join me at the bar for a drink. We can get really drunk

together and maybe I can take my top off. Guys, crash,

[Glass clinking]

- Don't crash.

We're going to crash. We going to fucking crash.

[Screams]

[Laughing] [Farting sound]

[Gasps]

- Please, pull over. I need to change my underpants.

♪ And leaving alone to [Inaudible] ♪

♪ Yes, leave me till the morning sun ♪

♪ I'll stay up and about, till someday♪

♪ I found someone♪

♪ Leaving alone to [Inaudible] ♪

♪ Yes, leave me till the morning sun ♪

♪ I'll stay up and about till ♪

♪ someday I found someone ♪

[Music continues to play on background]

[Music continues to play on background]

[Music continues to play on background]

[Music fades]

I can't believe we're going on holiday. Finally, something

good is happening to me or to us.

I mean, Kelly, leaving me for my neighbor,

sleeping on your mum's couch. You're still

living with your mum, my God. We're pathetic bastards,

aren't we? - Speak for yourself. I may live at home with my

mum but it's a lifestyle choice. - What? You could go to the

pub, get drunk every night. You're living the dream. - Well

it could be worse. How so? My missus could have been shagging

my neighbor for months behind my back because she couldn't

put up with my premature ejaculation anymore and

needed a real man. - I'll have you know it's a very common

condition. - Maybe so, but she could at least touch it before

it goes off, Charlie. From what I hear, you could probably

still be a virgin. - Enough of this nonsense, Billy. I mean,

let's not argue about this. If we're going to fight, why

don't we fight over who's gonna get the best-looking babe?

- Agreed. - I just want us to have have a better life. A place

of our own. Well, not together of course. I mean that would

be weird. - I know what you mean. I could do a little place

of my own with a great big bar in the corner. - So you'd

like to live in a pub then? - Yeah. - This is good, us going

on an adventure together and it's such a low price. How

did you get such a good deal, Billy? - I won it on a bet at the

pub. - Of course you did. - It's quite funny really. We bet

tipsy Pete couldn't hold vodka in his mouth and set fire

to it. - Did he do it? - Technically, yes, but Tipsy Pete have

been drinking from 6 a.m. that morning and his insides

were kind of volatile and he burped and droplets of fire

came out of his mouth and onto his shell suit. He went

up like an Olympic flame. - My God, that sounds dangerous. - But

wait, you said you betted against him? - Yeah.

- So he did it.

That means you lost the bet. - Yeah. But in the middle of all

the curfuffle of everyone try to put him at all. His holiday

tickets fell out of his pocket and I took them. - So you

didn't win the bet. You stole it. - That's a technicality.

We're going to Nude Camp. That's a good thing. - Yeah. I can't

wait. - That's the spirit. - Wow! Nude Camp. I wonder what

our caravan will be like.

- Well, it's gotta be better than living with

my mom. - Yeah. So how is tipsy Pete? Is he okay now?

- He's funeral is on Tuesday.

- Poor bastard.

[Music plays]

Are we nearly there yet?

- Look, Charlie,

Nude Camp. We made it! We made it!

[Music plays]

[Music fades]

[Car door closes]

- Bloody hell, Billy, look at the sign, the naked babes

are just up there. Come on, I'll race you. - Oh, no, wait,

we've got a check in first. Don't be too eager. We've got

all week and besides you don't want to have to clean yourself

up again, because we all know what happens when you get

too excited. - True. Maybe you're right. I'll play it cool.

Come on.

[Clanking sounds]

[Footsteps]

- Welcome, boys. Welcome to Nood Camp. I'm Mrs. Twinkle the

owner. Now, did you have a good trip? - Excellent, apart from

my good friend here who had a giant shit in his pants.

[Grunts]

[laughs awkwardly]

My friend likes to tell jokes that are neither funny nor

true. Do you have your tickets?

[Paper rustling]

[Exhales deeply]

What are these? - Our tickets.

[paper rustles]

- They're burnt. - We know. - Right, just

give me a moment. - Excuse me, miss, it says, on our tickets

that there's a nude beach here, is there?

- That's right. Nude beach

is about a miles walk from here, but you've come out of

season. It's January. So, it's going to be pretty cold

and not very busy, but it's a lovely little beach. - You

know what this means, don't you? - No.

- Popping nipples, the size

of golf balls. - Cool.

- Right, you're all checked in. Now, there's

a games area over that site. There's the showers, and the

changing rooms too. And as you can see, we've got a lovely

little bar area. - Excellent. - Enjoy your stay, boys. - Thank

you, we will. - Oh, our key. - Sorry? - To our Caravan,

we'll need

a key. - This is a campsite, Nood campsite. If you want the

Caravan park. That's opposite. That's nothing to do with

me. - Oh dear.

[Grunts]

- You bloody idiot.

- I thought there was a caravan site.

- Nope, sorry.

[Gasps]

- But we haven't got a tent, please. Please, you've got to

help us. We can't go back to keeping on his mom's couch

again, we've come so far to turn back so soon. - Don't worry,

boys. I'll dig you out now an old tent from the lost and

found. There's bound to be one somewhere.

- Oh thank you.

[Pats]

Good job, Billy. Nice little tent. Where's mine? This is

it. - What? Well, that's tiny. I mean I've got under pants

that are bigger than that. We're both not gonna fit

in there. It's disgusting. - Well, I like it less than you

do. - And have you looked around? - What? - Where are all the

nude babes? Well, actually, where are any

babes close or otherwise?

- Well, it is cold. It's getting late. I'm sure there'll

be loads of naked babes all over the beach tomorrow. - Oh yes.

Nude beach. Yes. There'll be none of that if we're sleeping

in that. - God, I'm starving. Look what I found lying around.

- Perfect. Have you got a tin opener?

[Metal clanks on ground]

- So let me get this straight.

We haven't got a caravan, we got to sleep in that tiny little

thing and all we've got to eat is a tin of baked beans,

as our main meal tonight, and we can't bloody open it.

- But I have found this massive knife.

[Shushes]

- Don't say another word.

Just pass me the knife. - Why? - Just pass me the knife.

- Well, don't.

[Grunting]

- Just give it. Give it. Give it. - Get off.

Get off.

[Grunts]

[Slicing sounds]

I'm gonna look for a tin opener.

[Exhales deeply]

It's all right, Billy. I forgive you.

- Say that our bloody tent.

What now? - At least it's not raining.

[Thunder rumbles]

[Upbeat music plays]

- We're here at the Nude Camp waiting for you, Charlie.

I got bored waiting. Do you mind if I play with my self?

[Birds chirping]

Please.

Pretty please? - Oh yes. I don't mind.

- Hey, Charlie, can we-

[Rooster clucking]

- Weird.

Kinky.

[Chuckles]

Yeah. Do it again.

[Rooster clucking]

Oh yes.

Oh yes.

One more, one more time.

[Rooster clucking]

[Moans]

- Fuck. Don't say it, Charlie.

You need some help.

[Car door opens]

- Well. - Not a bloody word.

- I was going to say, shall we hit the nude beach?

[Imitates cat sounds]

- Don't do that. That-that's just weird.

[Inhales and exhales]

Breathe in that

fresh sea air, Billy. - I can smell babes. - Yeah, we must

be near the nudist beach. - We're here, Charlie.

Where are all the naked babes?

- I don't know. I-I don't understand.

- Well, shall we just take a quick dip as we're here.

I need to poo.

- Oh God. Can this holiday get any worse? Hey, where are

all the naked babes? I'm going Back. Billy, I'm going to

go back. I'm going to give Mrs. Twinkletits a piece of

my mind. - Oh just a quick dip. I'm bustin. - Move it.

[Upbeat music plays]

[Footsteps]

Come on.

Come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Mrs. Twinkle. - Yes?

- We want to complain.

[Object clanks]

- Oh really? - Yes, this has to

be the worst place we have ever stayed in.

- Firstly, our tent is utterly crap.

- You mean the tent I lend you? Because you idiots

didn't realize you were staying on a campsite?

Is that correct? - Yes. - Oh God.

- And another thing, where on earth are all the naked babes?

- Excuse me?

- it says on the sign, nude camp,

hence the name nude camp. I haven't seen so much as a pube.

[Gasps]

I mean,

I've been to some bad establishments in my time but this

is just plain false advertising. I mean I have a good mind

to report you to the authorities or I could leave a bad

review on Bing or-or ask Jeeves or-or something. - Where

is all the pussy? - Don't fucking shout at

me, your sad pathetic piece of shit. Seriously, did you

fuckers ever go to school at the stage of crayon and fuzzy

fence? - Now, hang on.

- Shut up, sweetheart. I've got skid mask that

more manly than you and the same goes for you, you idiot.

Do you know where you at?

Where the fuck does it said that this is a nudist camp?

- On the bloody tickets and it's on your

T-shirt, see? - Nood Camp has it's name because it's in the

village of Nood.

N-O-O-D not nude as in naked.

[Pats]

- Hang on, Charlie.

Let me take this one. Hello, love.

Forgive my friend then, he's

a bit slow. So just for his sake, what you saying is there

are no naked babes here at all?

- Get the hell out to my campsite!

This was a fine establishment before you two idiots came

along. - Really? - Right, that's it. I've had enough of you

sad virgins. Now. Get out, get out. How dare hell did you

manage to walk and talk at the same time? Look at you.

You're middle-aged. You haven't got a pot to piss and you've

come here hoping to see naked women like sad perverts if

I wasn't so disgusted. I'd feel sorry for you. I mean you,

you're obviously single. Do you cum in your pants a lot?

Do you arrive before you start, do you?

You're a right pair of nonsense and as for you, you're probably

been living

on benefits your whole life. Do you still live at home

with your mommy? - This is uncanny.

How do you know all of this?

- I don't.

But I could smell the desperation before you arrived in

the car park. - Now, get out. And you're not get no fucking

refund. You're an insult to idiots.

[Banging sound on table] [Gasping for air]

- Now, let's not get overexcited.

I mean, just let us stay and we'll call the whole thing

Off. - Help me. Help me.

[Exhales deeply]

[Falls on ground]

- You've really done it this time, Charlie.

Not only do you get on everyone's tits, but look!

[Upbeat music plays]

- What?

- What is she doing now?

- She's having a heart attack, Charlie.

- Help!

Get help!

[Breaths deeply]

- Do something!

[Upbeat music plays]

- One thousand.

[Grunts] [Punching sounds]

Two worth of thousand.

[Grunts] [Punching sounds]

One, One thousand.

[Grunts] [Punching sounds]

- Stop it, you fucking idiot!

[Inaudible]

Two... Woah, woah, woah. Stop!

What the bloody hell are you playing at?

- What? But this is CPR, isn't it?

- You're beating the shit out of her.

- Well, I don't know, I haven't done it before.

- Clearly! - Well, why don't you do something?

Why don't you call an ambulance or something?

- Okay.

[Upbeat music plays]

- I know, Mrs. Twinkle, don't you die on a snitch, you bitch.

[Coughing]

- Oh God.

[Upbeat music plays]

Quick, Billy, do something!

- Hang on, just a minute.

[Groans in pain]

- Help me, you little pervert! Help me!

- Fucking get off of me, you bitch!

- Damn pervert! Help me!

- We're losing her, Billy. - Right. I'm done.

- Billy, what the hell are you doing?

- What's your full name, my love. Your full name. We need you to

sign this little contract for us.

- Billy, what the hell are you doing?

- Okay, Mrs. Twinkle will have to do. - Billy! - I'm

trying to get her to sign the campsite over to us. Now,

you guide her hand while I hold the paper. - I do no such thing.

We're losing her, Charlie. She said some horrible things mainly

because they were all true. Now you have a choice, you

can either go back to my mom's couch with no job, single

with a tiny penis, or you can start a new life here at

Nude Camp. N-U-D-E. Nude Camp. - This is terrible.

How can you think of such a thing?

Babe camp sounds much better.

- Just sign the paper, Mrs. Twinkle.

There we are, Mrs. Twinkle.

[Chants gibberish words]

[Loud thud]

[Exhales]

- That's it. It's done.

[Exhales] [Closes notebook]

- Bastards!

[Takes last breath]

- Bloody hell, Billy. What have we done? We are awful people.

- I suppose so.

I guess we don't need a summer of babes,

a campsite full of boobs, bumps and bush.

Maybe I should just tear this contract. - No, no, no, no, boobs

and bums you say? - A bush.

- Well, she won't be needing this place

anymore. And besides, we won't have to live in that shithole

of a tent. - That's the spirit, me old marker.

[Ambulance siren]

[Ambulance door closes]

- We'll take it from here. I'm so sorry for your loss. - She

was a beautiful lady. She'll be greatly missed. - Yeah, poor

cow but luckily for us she signed over the campsite to

us. So, we're going to keep her memory alive. We're gonna

keep this beautiful place open for her.

- Okay. I'll leave you in peace.

[Footsteps] [Door closes]

[Exhales deeply]

- We need to celebrate! - To what?

- A new life!

[Thuds]

- Our new home.

[Pour drinks]

[thuds]

[Pour drinks]

[Thuds]

[Pour drinks]

[thuds]

- What's this?

- Furniture polish.

[Sprays furniture polish]

- That will do.

[Spraying sound]

Cheers

[Thuds] [Glass clinking]

- Who the hell are you?

- I don't know. Who the hell are you?

[Thuds]

[Suspenseful music]

[Sharp sound]

- I'm Cujo, the chef. And what are you doing behind the bar?

- Sadly, as you know, Mrs. Twinkle snuffed it this morning.

God, rest her soul. - We're the new owners her. God bless her.

- And when did this get decided then? - This morning. - Billy,

- Well, have you got any paperwork or

anything like that to prove this.

- Well, actually me old mucker. I do.

[Paper rustling]

- All right, when I die,

I want to get full ownership of my campsite, Nood Camp, over

to Charlie Molly and Billy Cockburn. They are lovely and

trustworthy people. PS. This is a legal and binding contract.

Signed, Mrs. Twinkle.

You know, That looks pretty good to me, mate. That's

a pretty closure. And if that's the case, I'm Cujo the chef.

- I'm Billy, Jesus. - And I'm Cujo... The chef.

And I'm Charlie.

[Groans in pain]

- All right, well, so I'm gonna go and clean the kitchen up,

I don't know.

Go on.

[Footsteps]

[Door opens] [Door closes]

- Billy, it's time for us to put our stamp on this place. There

are campers her but they're not nudist and we don't care

about them. We can start to fix this place up. - I'll look

after the bar. - No. You can make a start with making a

nice sign for outside. There's so much to do.

[Footsteps]

[Door opens] [Door closes]

[Gulping sounds]

[Burps]

[Upbeat music plays]

[Exhales]

[Upbeat music continues to play]

[Spraying sound]

[Upbeat music continues to play]

♪ We've all made mistakes♪

♪ We've picked bad choices too ♪

[Equipment sound]

[Tapping sound]

♪ Freely Friday night with snakes allowed to roam ♪

♪ Bridges to burn ♪

♪ We chose our own heartaches ♪

♪ Yet sometimes some folks never learn ♪

♪ So will you keep on walking past the point of low ♪

[Objects falling on floor]

[Music continues to play in background]

♪You only see it coming when it's too late ♪

♪ to turn around ♪

♪ You only see how high you climb ♪

♪ When you're on your way back down ♪

♪ If only all these moments were just a little more ♪

♪ Profound. Let's pour a drink♪

♪ Try not to think with sorrows yet to drown ♪

[Buzzing sound]

[Farting sound]

♪ I've sit here striking matches sometimes just ♪

♪ to watch them burn ♪

Not again.

♪ Picking rhymes and wasting time ♪

♪ Waiting for the time to turn ♪

♪ To grant the big [Inaudible] that I can never♪

♪ hope to earn ♪

- This is the life.

♪ Decisions, I just can't seem to unlearn♪

♪ You only see it coming when it's too ♪

♪ late to turn around♪

♪ You only see how high you climbed ♪

♪ When you're on your way back down ♪

[Grunts]

♪ If only all these moments ♪

♪ Were just a little more profound ♪

♪ Let's pour a drink ♪

♪ Try not to think with sorrows ♪

♪ yet to drown ♪

[Vacuum sound]

[Rooster Clucking]

[Plastic rustles]

[Munching on chips]

[Munching on chips]

[Sighs]

I had the best night sleep ever. - Me too. The old lady's

place weren't too bad, two big bedrooms, two big beds.

- Well, it beats sleeping in that toilet of a tent and your car.

Beats listening to you jitting your pants every night.

[Thuds]

- Did you see to those poor camper's tents that you pissed over?

- Yep. Nice and dry.

[Upbeat music plays]

- Well, fortunately, they've decided to

forgive us and they decided to stay. So, do we see if we've

got any new customer? Or should I say nude customers coming

in today?

[Laughs]

- Good, well.

- Fucking hell, Billy. Looks like our luck is in.

- What is it? We've got a bachelorette party coming in today.

- What? - Do you know what this means?

Don't you?

- Nope. - Babes! - Babes? - We've got a party full of babes

coming in. - But why didn't you say?

[Footsteps]

- Hi!

[Footsteps]

Do we check in here?

[Birds chirping]

Hello?

We've got a book in under bachelorette

party for four of us. - Is there someone we could speak to

like your carer or someone? - I'm sorry, you're talking to

us. We work here. Let's start again. Hello, bachelorettes.

Welcome to our campsite. - We were a little bit concerned

as were driving in. There were some-there was a sign-

we've not booked into a nudist camp, have we?

- You've-you've come to the right place.

- Shit.

Should we check out the caravan park next door?

- No, no, no, no. Excuse my

friend. He's carer is having a snooze. So I'm having to look

after him. He's quite right. This is going to be a nudist

camp at the weekend when we have our launch party. So... So

that means you don't have to get naked, but feel free to get

nude whenever you like. - Shut up, Billy.

[Groans]

[laughs awkwardly]

Come on, Billy, time to get back to your carer.

Isn't it time for your medication? This way.

[Laughs awkwardly]

That's it. Go on. Come on. Come on.

[laughs awkwardly]

Sorry about that, ladies.

- Is he okay?

- No.

He's an idiot. This way to see where the erections happen.

[Footsteps]

[Drum rolls]

[Upbeat music plays]

[Zipping sound]

Well, hello ladies. - Hello! - I see you're all set up and

ready for

your holiday. - Yeah. - I just thought that we'd tell you

that there will be some free complimentary drinks in the

reception for you tonight.

[Girls surprised] [Cheering]

And that in the cabin there, there will be some

facilities there for you to for you

to showers. - Beauty shower so you can freshen up for

the party.

[Girls cheers]

[Door bell sound]

- What's that noise?

[Door bell sound]

- Sounds like a bell.

- Well, I know that. You idiot.

But where is it coming from? Sounds

like it's coming from reception. We don't have any other

guests, do we? - I don't know. - Oh, come on!

- Bye, ladies.

- Bye! - Bye, Billy. - Bye.

Billy is so cute. He really is.

[Door bell sound]

[Door bell sound]

- Yes, all right, all right, I hear the bells.

Thank you very much.

- What?

- Birds, we had

a problem with birds, had to shoo them away. They were in

the shed. So that's why we took so long. Sorry about that.

How can I help? We were hoping you had space is available

for so soon. - Who's making all that bloody racket?

- It's me. - We have

new guests. We booked online this morning. Do you want

to see my ticket? - Yes. And would you like to see my balls?

I mean, I'd like to see your tits-tickets. I'd like

to see your tickets. Not my balls.

- Who's a bloody idiot now?

- Excuse my friend,

I'm sure we can squeeze you in. - Oh, we like

a good squeeze, don't we, Sandra? - Oh yes. - Looks like we've

come to the right place. Tell me, is this place under new

management at all? - Well, yes it is. - That's us.

- How cute. - We've been coming

here for many years, now haven't we, Sandra? - Oh yeah.

- And when we saw online that it was a nudist site. Well,

we got very excited, didn't we? - Oh yes. Very.

Now where's this lovely

old lady who used to run this place? What's her

name? - Hmm. Mrs. Twinkle. - I'm Charlie and this is my partner

in crime, Billy. There's no crime here. - I'm not your partner

either. And you are? I'm Janice.

- Sandra.

- We're pleased to meet you.

[Kisses]

- Charmed. Tell me is this a nudist site?

- Not yet.

But we have our launch party on Friday and I hope you can

come. - We leave Saturday morning. So yeah, count us in.

- Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- So why don't you ladies go relax,

put up your tent and meet us back here for drinks at five.

- Sure.

[Footsteps]

- Bloody hell. We'll be with balls deep in pussy.

Come on. We got so much to do

I've still got to wash out the shower

block and perhaps you can help the punters set up their

tents or something. And just behave like a good little

handyman. - Whatever you say, sir. - And try not to behave like

a nob.

[Footsteps]

[Music plays from stereo]

- Come on, ladies, let's get the party started.

- Cheers.

- Right. Everyone, to my best friend who's getting married

soon. But before you settle down and start shitting out

kids, we've got you all to ourselves all weekend.

[Ladies cheer]

[giggles]

Hello, ladies. - Hello! - Hi! - Great moves.

What are you? Cheerleaders?

- No, we're dentists. - Okay. - He's so cute.

- We were joking. I'm joking.

We're not. Were in a [inaudible] party, it' my bestfriend.

She's getting married soon. - Oh that's

nice. I've just come over to see if you need a hand with

your tent or anything else. - Yeah.

- Actually, now you mentioned it,

we could possibly do the a little help with our tent if you

wouldn't mind. - Okay.

[Music plays in background]

- Welcome to nude camp, ladies!

[Thuds]

[Music plays]

[Music plays]

[Water splashes]

[Water splashes]

[Shoes drifting]

[Water splashes]

- Hello?

Is anyone there?

[Water splashes]

[Knocks on door]

[Water splashes]

[Knocks on door]

- Brenda, are you there? - Yeah. Is that you, Steve?

- Yeah. I'm going for another walk.

I'm thinking about [Inaudible] that little village,

do you wanna come? - Oh yeah, lovely. I'll be there soon.

Give me 20 minutes, will you? - Yeah. Okay.

Hopefully those two idiots won't mess up our tent again.

- Yeah.

- Anyway, I'll leave you to it. I'll see you in a minute.

- I'll finish shortly.

[Water splashes]

[Music plays]

[Water splashes]

[Woman screams]

[Water splashes]

- What happened? I heard a woman scream.

What have you been playing? - Oh! Hi, Billy, what have you been

up to? You've got lipstick

all over your face. - Have you been stealing women's

makeup again? - Never mind about that. What bloody hell have you

been doing? - I don't. What? I don't know what you mean.

- You! - Me? - Yes, you.

There's a pervert on your campsite. - No, there isn't.

- That bloody willies and pervert has been

watching me take a shower. - Well, I'm really sorry that

this has happened to you. But is there any chance you can

describe what this disgusting pervert look like. - No, not

really. I had soap in my eyes. But I think he was

masturbating.

[Footsteps]

- Brenda, Brenda are you okay, dear? - This place is awful

I wanna go home. - No, no, no, no, stay.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for

all this. I mean Billy and I we can do an investigation

to see what happened. I mean, I'm sure that it was

just a girl playing innocent tricks on, you know, just a bit

of fun. Now why don't you two go up and enjoy your holiday

and have a couple of free drinks on us tonight? - Okay, thank

you. - Come on, let's get back to the tent. - What the bloody

hell have you been doing? You've really done it this time,

haven't you? Masturbating over women in the shower? You

need help. - I was mopping the floor. I had these in. - What?

And your tiny penis just happened to flop out, did it?

- I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

[Sighs]

[Footsteps]

[Thuds]

[Footsteps]

Stop that. we're already giving away free drinks tonight. We'll

be out of business by the end of the week. It's 5 p.m. time

to open. - I'll do the [Inaudible].

[Grunts]

Open for business!

- Aw.

There's nobody there. - I suppose it's quite unfashionable

to be on time. Maybe we should pack up. I have an early

night. - Oh! Are we too late?

- Oh, I forgot about you two. Please, please come over

us. I mean, come over to us. - What can I get you to drink?

- Two vodka and diet cokes, please. - Coming right up.

[Footsteps]

So are you two ladies together? - No. - Yeah, we are.

- Complicated, is it?

Undecided, are you? - No, we're sisters? - Bloody hell,

you two are kinky. Well, you've certainly come to the right

place. - Oh we're very naughty. - How lovely. - So you never

did tell us how did you two gorgeous beings end up here running

this place? - Charlie and I came here on holiday and Mrs.

Twinkle got sick. - Sorry, accident. - I'm really sorry, ladies.

I'm feeling tired. - It's only 5:30. - We've got lots of

impromptu

planning to do for the launch party. I'm sorry, ladies.

We're going to have to call it a night there. I'm afraid.

- No, it's fine. We understand. - Well, we must do this again

sometime. Good night, Charlie. - That will be lovely. I hope

so. - Come on, Sandra, time to go. - Bye. - Bye, Sandra.

[Footsteps]

[Door closes]

[Punches] [Groans]

- What did you do that

for? - You idiot. All it took is for one woman to touch

your hand and you were ready to spill the beans. - I don't

know what you mean. - Oh we came here on holiday.

Oh Mrs. Twinkle

got sick. Oh we tricked her into signing over the campsite

to us. - Sorry, whoops. I think I might have got my left

bollock red stuff inside me. - Good. - It's gonna be harder

than I thought getting them to come clean. What do you

suggest we do? - Well, we're going to have to raise the stakes?

They're sex mad. I think we give them exactly what they

crave. - We really need to get our heads into this launch

party for tomorrow night.

[Groans]

[Thuds]

- Ca-can you? Can you?

[Footsteps]

[Grunts]

[Moving heavy object]

Could you, could you go into town, have a word with the local

press. See if you can get them to write a story on this

and take some photos. - Will do, what are we doing for the

launch party? - Yeah, any suggestions? - Well, how about a

pole dance, nudie wet T-shirt competition with a lap dance,

followed by a shag. - Yeah. No wait, we haven't got time to

set it up. Look, here's 50 Quid. See if you can get us some

sexy babes to do a dance for us, something sexy but classy.

- I have just the girls.

- I was thinking we could have the dance

with the sit-down meal. - But where? The clubhouse is too small.

- Well, we could have it here in the game's cabin. This kitchen

out back and I could get Cujo the chef to cook something

like really great. - But Cujo the chef cooking won't be that

great, but still, we haven't got time for anything else.

- I love it

when a plan comes together. - We also love to come together.

[Footsteps]

How would you boys like to go on a double date? Yeah, with who?

- With us, dummy. - I'd love that. - Me and Sandra. Well, we

like it rough. Do you boys like it kinky? Yeah. Well, I

mean, yeah, I don't know, really, but literally, yeah,

I mean, I'll do anything right now. I mean, literally anything.

- I like anything you'd like. - Perfect. But we'll meet you

back here later tonight. I'm sure you want to freshen up.

[Exhales]

- Freshen up. Yeah. - We'll leave you to it. - See you later.

[Footsteps]

[Flushing]

[Clanking]

[Footsteps]

- I've seen the way you look at Billy. - Don't worry about it.

I know what we're doing here.

- Listen, I know

it's gonna be difficult but the purpose of what we're

about do is break their world. We have to get them to crack

and sign the campsite back over to us. - I know it and you're

right. Mother left us the campsite. We need to take back

what's rightfully ours. - That's right. - They don't seem to be

bad people, though. They're not the sharpest tools in the shed

by a long shot. Billy seems sweet.

- Maybe.

But we've got

a job to do. Their launch party mustn't go ahead tomorrow.

We don't

have long. Are you ready? - Born ready.

[Chuckles]

[Footsteps]

- This is it.

Good luck. - Thanks. I can't believe it.

- Focus. No, it's fine. - Nailed it. - I

need you to not fuck it up this time. Learn to control

yourself. Don't jizz in your pants. She needs to touch it

first. - Okay. Thanks. Good fuck. I mean, good luck. - We don't

need luck after we're finished with them. Their legs are

going to be shaking for a whole week.

[Inaudible] legs!

[Door creaking]

[Door closes]

[Suspenseful music]

Hello?

- We're here, boys. Make sure you lock the door.

We don't want to be interrupted.

[Door clock clicks]

- Bloody hell, I'm scared. - It'll be fine.

Follow me.

[Suspenseful music]

[Footsteps]

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

- Don't be shy, boys. - Come to us. - You don't have to ask me

twice. - I've been wanting you so bad. It hurts.

[Groans]

- Me too.

- We want to

give you a good time. - Do you trust us? - I'm having trust

issues right now. But bring it on. - We thought you both looked

up for a sexy good time. You have a open wind?

[Both] Yeah.

- Have you both been naughty boys? - No.

- Yes, I've been naughty.

- Oh

Oh, yes. Yes, I'm far naughtier than him. I've been such

a bad boy. - Then you both need to be punished. Are you ready?

[Both] Yes.

[Footsteps]

- Cool. - And you like what you see?

- Oh do I? - Tell me again, how did you get to own this place?

And tell me slowly. I like it slow. - Charlie, remember what

we said. - Shut up. - Billy, I'm scared.

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- I love it when you talk dirty.

[Screams]

- Focus on me.

- You don't leave me

before the fun begins do you? Don't you want me? - Oh yes.

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- Hello, there.

Now kiss my boots

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- Tell me, Charlie, turn me on with your story.

How did a sexy bastard

like you get to own this place? - Well, it's a funny story.

It's a bit of a freak accident.

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- Oy! - What? - Less talking, more kissing.

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- Oh, go on. Tell me, baby. - Nothing happened, honestly.

[Thuds]

[Sighs]

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- Oh fuck that.

- You're such a turn-on. I think you deserve a treat.

Should I get my own slut out of me?

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

[Footsteps]

- Watch your friend.

- Brace yourself, mate. This might make

your eyes water.

[Slaps] [Groans]

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

- Did Mrs. Twinkle really sign over the

campsite to you two sexy bastards? - Yes. This is great and all

that but can we just skip to the shagging part.

- [Inaudible], baby.

If you're not going to tell me your sexy story, I'll have to

get my toy out and do it myself. - Now this I have to see,

Oh I love a good drilling, don't you? - Oh yes.

Now you're talking. Hey,

you can untie me now. - Hang on, I'll go get it.

[Footsteps]

[Man speaks while mouth is covered]

This is what I want.

A bloody good drilling. - Wow, you really are

kinky. I can't wait. - Oh good.

[Footsteps]

I normally get the answers

I want when I turn on the dildo.

- Now, don't worry, boys, there is a safe word,

which is flower. - That's right. Just say the word flower

and it will be all stop.

[Vibrating sound]

[Music plays]

[Slaps] [Screams]

[Cries] No, no!

[Thuds]

[Chair moves]

- How do you feel about what happened last night? - It was

fucking amazing. - Me too.

[High fives]

- Janet, she is incredible. - I feel

the same about Sandra. - But look, we can't sit here talking

about that all day. Its launch day tomorrow, we got shit load

of stuff to do. Did you get the advert out? - Yes, we've

got three bookings and a photographer from the local rag

is also coming. - Excellent. - Oh! Hi boys!

- Hello there, Janet.

Could I have a word, please?

Out back. - Sure.

[Footsteps]

- Drink?

- Yeah.

[Footsteps] [Exhales]

[Door closes]

- What is it? - I just wanted to say thank you for last night.

I mean, no girl has ever shown me any attention like that

before. - You're welcome. - No, I really mean it.

I mean, since my

girlfriend left me for my neighbor then I lost my job

at the, [Inaudible] factory making [Inaudible] pipes

for toilets. God, I love that job.

I had no life. No home. And then we came

here and then I met you and finally it feels like something

good is starting to happen. - I don't know about that. - I

understand. I mean girls are always laughing and rejecting

me but after last night, I-after the good drilling, I just

wanted to tell you. I really like you. - Let's go back to

the bar. My, my sister will be waiting. - Yeah. Sure. The

safe word. Did you not hear us say flower? - Yeah, but that

wasn't the safe word. That was the safe word flour.

- Kinky bitch. - I'm sorry, ladies, it's launch night tonight

and we've got so much to do. We'll help you out if you like.

- Yes, we can help. - Really? You don't mind? - Not at all.

- That would be

great. I mean, we got to set up tables in the games cabin

for the sit-down meal. - We'll meet you there then.

[Upbeat music plays]

- Hello, we made a booking this morning.

- You're eager, you only

booked an hour ago. - Well, we saw the advert online. - And we

jumped at the chance of a nudist camp. - Excuse me, is it just

you three? - Yes. That's right. - You didn't bring any women

with you? - No. - This is turning into a ripe cock Fest.

- I'm sorry,

what's that? - Nothing. Let's just get you booked here.

And your name, please? - Well, I'm Rodney.

This is Hugo. - Hello. - And this is Yuan, the mute. - Hello.

- Why is he called Yuan, the mute? - Because that's his name.

- He is a mute. - He just spoke. -No, he didn't. You can't talk,

can you, Yuan? - No. - See?

- Right.

[Thuds]

We're fully booked.

- But we only booked this morning.

- Yeah, technical glitch. Sorry about that.

All right, folks, off you go. Out of the way, this way.

Now, come on, come on.

[Door closes]

[Sighs]

Fucking nut

case is perves. Can you believe it? Oh shit! I got to

set up. What? Come on! Come on! Move it! Move it!

[Footsteps]

[Thuds]

[Footsteps]

- The calvary has arrived.

- Hey, thank you. - Right. Let's get stuck in.

[Drum rolls]

Thank you, ladies.

It's looking great. Oh Cujo, there you are.

You should have started

cooking ages ago. - No, I would have done if I had some

ingredients for this meal. - What do you mean? - Well, Mrs.

Twinkles used to get all the stuff so I can cook it. - Well,

it's too late now. What ingredients have you got in the

cupboards? - All we got in there is some soup. - Well, soup it

is. - Is that what you want? That's what you get.

- Oh great.

[Footsteps]

Oh hello! Sorry.

[Laughs awkwardly]

- I love meeting with you.

[Crosstalk]

Give us a quick pose. - Oh certainly. Yeah.

[Camera clicks]

- Yes. - Okay. - Useful, thank you.

- Table is this way. - Thank you. - Go just through there.

[Camera clicks]

[Sniffs]

[Thuds]

[Music plays in background]

[Footsteps]

- This place is gonna be ours tonight. - Oh no, no,

you shouldn't. - Yes. Just go and distract the Cujo for me.

[Footsteps]

- Hey, Cujo. - What are you doing here?

[Thuds]

[Conversation in background]

[Thuds]

[Women laughing]

- Oh hello! - Hello, ladies. Do you think that you could

got any good sexy dance for us.

- Yes. I think we can do that.

- Should we do the dance? - The one from college?

- Yeah. - Yes. Okay. What the hell are you doing here? - It's

okay, Charlie. In you go, lads. I called them back. The

turnout is a bit shit and we need all the people we can

get. - Oh, bloody hell they're masturbating.

They're your responsibility.

- Okey-dokey. - Come on in, good evening, come through, take

a seat. Dinner will be served soon. - And what's for dinner?

- Soup. - Yes and? - Just soup. - Come on in you go,

in you go.

[Exhales]

- Please,

take your seats, everyone and welcome to our nude camp

launch party.

[Claps]

We want you all to enjoy yourselves this

evening because as of Monday, we launched our brand new

campsite. So without further ado, let's bring up the first

course. Correction, let's bring out our only course, soup.

[People complaining in background]

[Music plays]

We've done it. Beers.

[Footsteps]

I hope you all enjoyed your soup. Thank you, Cujo, our Chef

for such a great meal.

- We now have a wonderful show for you. Our

campsite guests and cheerleading squad. The Bachelorettes

[Cheering]

[Claps]

[Music plays]

[Stomach growls]

[Whistles]

[Stomach growls]

[Farts]

- I love the mid part.

[Clanking sound]

- Mitch. - Yeah? - I think I'm gonna shit myself. - Yes.

[Stomach growls]

[Farts]

Oh no!

[Splashes]

- Oh shit!

[Farts]

- Best show ever!

[Claps]

[Stomach growls]

- Oh God.

I'll make it!

[Farts]

I'm gonna lie down in here for a minute.

- [Inaudible].

[Stomach growls]

[Stomach growls]

Worst holiday ever!

- Oh shit!

[Farts] [Splashes]

[Intense music plays]

[Stomach growls]

- I'm not gonna make it.

[Farts]

[Groans]

[Footsteps]

- I think we need to come clean. No pun intended. We did

this. - You? Why? - Mrs. Twinkle. - What about her? - We're her

daughters. - This place is rightfully ours, not yours. - I-

- Save it. This will ruin you, we'll take care of all of this

but you need to sign the campsite back over to us. - It really

doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm ruined anyway, whether

I'm here or not. So, I'm very sorry, but I think we'll

take our chances. - You two are ruined. It's game over for

you. We've called the health inspector and they're on their

way to immediately shut you down. - Look at my camera, you're

paying for a new one. Look around you, all these people

shitting their pants all over your floor? We're going to sue

you, you'll be out on the streets in no time. - No, wait,

no, don't go, please. It's not our fault. I don't know

how this happened. - Listen, I feel really bad about what

happened but you stole what was rightfully ours. I guess

she's got a point, Charlie. - Our new life has barely begun,

what now? I might go back to kipping in your mom's couch.

- Please.

Sign it. - I'm looking for two gentlemen. Are you Charlie

Marlene and Billy copper? - Yes. - You're under arrest for

forgery. - Forgery? - What? - Actually, aggravated forgery

over ownership

of this campsite. You've got to come with me.

- But, but, girls, please! - Wait,

officer. - Yep. - Please, can you give us a moment? - Yeah.

- Listen,

we get it. We've both done things that we regret. We've

had to do things out of necessity, but we can sort all

of this out if you would just sign it.

[Paper crumpling]

[Signs on paper]

[Paper crumpling]

- All right, gentlemen.

[Footsteps]

- Boys,

see you later. Yeah.

[Music plays]

It's tea time!

♪ I'm well defeated ♪

♪ I ain't got no time for lies ♪

♪ I don't think she's cheating ♪

♪ I can tell it in her eyes ♪

♪ We drove to Belgium to see the view ♪

♪ The oceans blowing like the stars ♪

- Oh Billy!

And to think this is the life, isn't it? - Agreed. - And to

think it was all down to you stealing those tickets of

Tipsy Pete. God bless him. We wouldn't be here today living

with and working with our sexy babes. - That reminds me,

did you remember to mop the girl's shower block? - Yep.

[Woman screams]

- Not

again, Charlie, what have you done this time? - Nothing.

I promise.

♪ lose her, not gonna lose her ♪

It wasn't me, I'm a changed man. I've been here with you, guys.

♪ her, not gonna lose ♪

- We'll check ourselves out. - Yeah.

- Let's go!

- See ya!

- See? I told you, he's not a mute.

See?

[Grunts]

♪ Not gonna lose ♪

♪ Not gonna lose ♪

♪ Not gonna lose ♪

♪ Not gonna lose ♪

[Music ends]

[End credit music plays]

[End credit music plays]

[Upbeat end credit music plays]

[END]