Original subtitles

Penny for them.

Yeah, I was just thinking about those blessed pigs.

Hard not to think about them.

200 of them.

I know George is trying to pull a fast one, but I can't work out what it is.

Or what to do about it.

Yet.

Come on, sleepyhead.

Primrose?

You could always sell them.

True, but I don't want to sell them. Because Georgie's up to some sort of

racket. I want to find out what it is.

Mark, can we have a look?

What is

it, Mark?

She's gone off to Roger.

To Liverpool.

Oh, my Lord.

Juliet was right.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I shall return.

Fear not, Edith.

Georgie will be back.

The time alone will be such torment.

I must go.

See you in a fortnight.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Can you tell me where the cape travel is?

Roger's address.

Don't fret, Mrs Larkin. You'll find her safe and sound. You mark my words. Oh,

Vic, I can't help but fret. We don't know if she got as far as Liverpool.

Oh, I know. Depends upon how much money she's got. If she's got enough money for

the train. Oh, just check. Good idea, Mum, good idea.

Of course, she might have taken to this new itch -hiking lark.

Makes your blood run cold to think of her on this new M1 thing getting a lift

from one of them, what the... A ton of boys. Yeah, that's them. Makes you break

out in a cold sweat, doesn't it? She's got some money.

Not a lot, but enough for the train. Look at that fibre in there.

Look at that, look. Pigs, pigs again.

Liverpool.

Who in their right mind wants to go to Liverpool?

Excuse me.

How much is it to get in?

It's free, love.

The only way Rog can lure him in to listen to his grotty poetry.

It's not grotty.

No goody.

As it happens, I don't think it's grotty either. In fact, I love Rogers' poems.

You're Paula Rogers?

Yes, very much so. I'm a fellow poet.

Well, go on in.

He's only got one or two more to do, and the boys are on. Great.

I'd like to do a new poem now for you called Tilly.

Knowing that you love me, Tilly, knowing that you care, makes my life complete,

Tilly, makes my garden rare.

I can truly say, Tilly, say it got true.

Life was truly silly, Tilly, till there was... You!

Now, that's dragon's blood.

Don't tell me they've got dragon's blood up there, because I won't believe you.

All right, then.

Petro. They've got plenty of Petro in Liverpool.

And you certainly don't need that.

Sorry for me, girl. Got no milk.

Femrol.

Yes, Roger.

Femrol.

We've got to go home.

No, please.

I want to stay here with you.

Rose, look.

How old are you, girl?

Sixteen and three months.

Please, please let me stay.

I mean, shouldn't you be at school?

I've taken all my exams, but there's nothing much to do there.

Phone your dad.

If he says it's okay, we'll find a room for you.

Oh, thank you, Roger.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Ma, it's fab.

Look at what's going on here.

Music and poetry.

And there's a screw.

What?

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I just worry about you all the way up there.

What?

Oh, talk English, Primrose.

This is the most happening place in the world right now.

Happening. Oh, my God.

I promise, Ma.

I'll phone every night.

And tell Pop not to worry.

I'll come home soon.

Yeah, OK.

Bye.

I can stay, but I have to be back for the opening of the pool.

Kids.

She get it from me or you?

Eh? Her spirit.

You, of course.

Oh, you always were a right little mover.

Even when I first met you.

Still are, come to think about it.

Give us a kiss for Primrose.

Come on.

That's it.

Give us one for Marriott now, will you?

Anyway, there's Montgomery.

There's the twins.

Oh, well, God's in each heaven and no mistake.

Primrose is safe.

The ball's under way.

George. Oh.

George, George, George.

Every time I start to get a bit calm, I think about George and his porkers.

I'm going to phone him.

Hello?

Oh.

Hello, Mr Larkin.

George, no, you've just missed him.

Two weeks?

No, no, no, it's nothing important, Edith.

No.

He is coming back, though, isn't he?

Of course.

My heart would break if he doesn't.

Mine too, Edith. Mine too.

Yeah, bye -bye now. Bye.

He's not there.

He's gone away.

Hardly surprising, is it?

What are you going to do now?

There's only one thing to do.

Go and see the bloke who brought us the pigs.

What's he named?

Ramsbottom.

So where did you get the pigs from?

From the garden space, George's place, where he was holding them for you.

They're the same pigs.

Oh, look.

You was to pay me what you did.

I was to give him the money which I haven't yet because he's off at the

And I was to pick him up again from you in a month or so.

And take him back to George's place? No, take him to the next bloke.

What do you mean, the next bloke?

I pick pigs up here.

I put pigs down there.

I do what George tells me to do and nobody's complained yet.

I see.

Well, thanks very much, Mr Ramsbottom. You've been a great help.

You're welcome.

Oh!

Um, George's address.

You haven't got it, have you? I see people have lost it.

Yeah, I think I've got it here. Hang on.

What's that?

Here, there you are.

Well, I shall chill him. He's never there, mind, but that's his address.

All right. Thanks again, Mr Ramsbottom. All right. Cheerio.

I'll see you when I come back for the fish.

Don't you bet on it, son.

Basically, there's only one lot of pigs.

What George does, he just keeps selling them on.

He sells them to one poor gullible geezer after another.

And then every time he buys them back, he pockets half the government subsidy.

So that means he gets 500 smackers every time for doing nothing at all.

That doesn't sound very legal to me.

Well, of course it isn't legal.

He's conning the Ministry out of all them subsidies, isn't he?

And then Muggin's here. He's being used.

And I'm paying to feed his pigs into the bargain. Very clever.

Why do you want to go to all the trouble of buying Tom Garnet's place?

Oh, he hasn't bought Tom Garnet's place.

He probably just leased it from him.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Is Mount

Usher near here?

Mount Usher, near here.

First night past the parish church.

You're not hawking, are you?

You're not begging?

No, certainly not.

Because if you was, you'd best carry on past Mount Usher.

Hawker's doom, they call it.

You've got a fierce dog, is it?

Much worse than a fierce dog.

But if you're not hawking... And you're not begging.

You might have at it.

Thanks very much.

Tell you what, I'm going to take a look round the back, Mo. You stay here, all

right?

Morgan?

Giza? Come here.

Good afternoon. I was wondering if Mr George Haran was about?

You're not one of his wretched associates, are you? Because if you

no, no, no. No, no, I'm not. No, no.

What do you want?

Well, it's rather a delicate matter, actually.

It's always rather delicate where George is concerned.

Does he owe you money?

Well... Serves you right for even bidding him the time of day.

Toad.

It's a bit more complicated than that.

It's always complicated where George is concerned.

He owes me money.

But don't worry, I'll take it in skin and hair when I catch him.

Do you know his whereabouts?

No. No, I was hoping that you might.

Haven't the foggiest.

But I'll find him.

And if I catch him with another woman.

Many a good hanging saved a bad marriage.

Marriage?

Excuse me.

Are you Mrs.

Heron? To my everlasting regret.

Gorgon, producer, say goodbye to our visitor.

I said, Ma, George is not only a con man, he's a married con man.

A bigamist.

Oh,

poor Edith.

Someone's going to have to tell her, Sid.

Who's it going to be for?

Well, she trusts you.

She ain't got no one else.

Dear impromptu fellow. Come in.

How

delightful

to see you.

Pigs all right?

Oh, yeah, all right.

A bit pongy, but all right.

Just a sign of natural functioning, eh?

Mine must be supernatural, then.

Edith.

Is there any chance of a snifter at all?

Irish, all right?

Oh, yeah, fine.

It was a present from George.

George.

Oh, George.

Edith, about George.

Fond of him, are you?

Oh, besotted.

I've never been so happy in my entire life.

Yet for your ears only, he's proposed.

And I've accepted.

You can't. I mean, he's all... It's

marvellous.

It's only marvellous.

There are no words to describe my happiness at the moment.

And not only that, but George has let me in on the ground floor for some of his

investments.

Investments? The pigs.

And the farm.

The farm?

I put a little towards the purchase.

And George, in his generosities, translated that into half ownership for

Isn't it wonderful?

Unbelievable.

And the pigs?

Oh, I put up half the money for the pigs.

Every penny I own.

Do you mean to say you own half my...

Half his pigs. I certainly do.

Isn't it terrifically exciting?

Do you think I could have another one, Edith?

I think I've developed a bit of a thirst.

You didn't tell her!

No.

Well, we're going to have to do something.

I just couldn't do it, Ma. I couldn't hurt her feelings like that.

Edith's got to know the truth about George.

Oh, no.

Make matters worse, he's taking her money and all.

Never.

Oh, well, we're going to have to get that back.

And do it somehow without upsetting her.

Yeah, that's the most important thing of all.

What's it to be?

All we've got to do is to find a way to save Edith's feelings.

And get her a money box.

And I think I've got a plan that's going to sink George.

We're going to need the help of Angela Snow.

Hi,

Roger. Oh, hiya, Primi.

I wanted to show you this.

I wrote it this afternoon.

I took your advice.

I'm trying to use my own voice.

Oh, that's great, Primi, great. I'm going to look at it later, OK? But we

just going to go and have a dance.

I'll see you in a bit, OK?

My dearest Edith.

All right. What next?

Something passionate, I suppose.

No.

What do we say to convince her that he's really upped and left forever?

Well, I thought that missionary idea of yours was a good one.

All right, then.

Right. So George is a returned missionary.

Home for a break.

When he was tempted by... Hang on, I've got the phrase.

Her bountiful charms.

Very good. Oh, yes, that is very good indeed, yes. He was tempted by Edith's

bountiful charms.

But now, in the cold light of day, he sees

the... The error of his ways. Error of his ways.

And he has to return to his calling, which is his missionary work.

On a sheep farm in Patagonia.

Patagonia.

Where's that, then?

No idea.

There's an expedition going there, look.

Pat.

Er... Er... Er... ER.

Right.

And he has left tickets.

For Edith to have a week's holiday in Paris.

Oh, lovely.

And he's going to give her back her money for her pigs and for the farm.

He better.

Farm.

Now, what we need is a good ending.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, look.

Marge column is a letter.

Marge, da -da -da.

As long as breath persists in this frail body... Frail body? I only described

yours as that.

Nay, till the myriad stars fall from the sky... Myriad stars?

It's better. They shall remain in the innermost sanctuary of my soul.

A place that is forever sacred to the memory of my own.

Rebecca, it says here, but we'll put Edith.

Better still, put Yum -Yum.

Yum -Yum's too much now. You'll have me signing it Georgie Porgie next.

Oh, there.

Now, I'll write it up nice and neat and get it to Edith.

Are you looking for Angela?

Oh, yes.

She's away on holiday, I'm afraid.

I'm minding the house.

Let me guess.

You must be Pop Larkin.

Yes.

I am indeed, yes.

I'm Jasmine Brown.

I've heard a lot about you from Angela.

Have you?

Have you really?

Yeah, I'd like to book one of your silver -winged luxury breaks in Paris,

please.

Oh, the expense is no object.

A week, yes.

Oh, that sounds perfect.

Yes, for Miss Edith Pilchester.

What a...

Harris, my dear.

You're a wicked man, Pop Larkin. Yeah, I know.

You'll do it, though, won't you, Jasmine?

Would Angela have done it?

What? Has Pinocchio got a wooden nose?

Oh, well, in that case, Georgie's goose is cooked.

Angela and I graduated through virginity together.

Yeah?

How terrible you are. You're worse than me.

Who's worse than Angela?

No one's worse than Angela.

But I try.

I believe that.

Come

on,

boys, hurry up. More will be in a minute. We need it.

That's the one.

See?

He's gone.

I don't know.

I can't believe it.

Gone.

No, Georgie.

He had a missionary face.

Pop remarked on it.

Indeed he had.

And what softens the blow, Mrs Larkin?

What makes it more bearable is that he had to leave for such noble reasons.

Yes.

You're very noble.

Well, there's no point in hanging around here, Edith.

Don't want to miss the week of a lifetime in Gape Arena, do we?

No.

I shall try my utmost to enjoy myself.

It's what George would have wanted.

Perfect, that bit.

Perfect. Them baby nuts.

Just add that extra bit of tone to the ball.

That'll impress your family, won't it, Mark?

Yeah.

Mark's got a family coming up from Southend.

Yeah. Anybody package?

Come on.

Go on, then.

It's all ready, then, is it? Are you all right?

Yeah, not leaking or nothing. You've got the bang in them, you.

We'll put the diving board on last thing, then he'll be ready for tomorrow.

Oh, good.

First class.

Really good first class. Oh, thanks.

Now let's hope to God that George comes.

Oh, he'll come, all right. I want to collect his arm for the bonus.

Bonus.

You'll get a bonus, all right. You mark my words.

How

do

you know Roger doesn't love me?

Don't ask.

I just know.

I've known him years.

With a little dote, but he doesn't love you.

But why?

Aren't I attractive?

You're gorgeous, girl.

I think he's potty myself.

But that's Rog.

He feels all paternal, like, wants to look after you, not go to bed with you.

I love him.

I love him.

I haven't heard that word in years.

It's nice, though.

It's nice to meet someone who's 16 and still believes in love.

I'm too old for all that stuffy stuff.

So?

What? So what are you going to do?

I'm going to go home.

Tell Roger.

Tell him I've gone home.

To listen to the nightingale.

Hello, George.

What are you doing here?

Nothing wrong, is there? I'm afraid it's Edith.

What?

Well, she's, um... Good God, you don't mean she's dead?

Dead? No.

No, no. No, she's not dead, no. She's, um... Well, she's run away.

Fled.

Vamoosed.

Vamoosed?

Edith?

Is this a joke? No, no, it's not a joke, George, no.

That's why I've waited here, as I've done for the last five nights.

Because I wanted to prevent you coming back and just, well, finding her gone.

Because I knew what a shock that would be to your system.

Good God, man, you're not telling me she just upped and left.

No, I did.

She'd be very impulsive, Kenedith.

I mean, you thought you knew about... Good Lord.

Midnight flit. I saw the lights. I thought it was the aurora borealis, but

no, they were the headlights of the Leyland tiger coming to take Edith and

chattels away.

Women.

Women.

Your pig's very quiet tonight, George.

Didn't you leave a note, a forwarding address?

No, nothing.

She's got a sister in Alberta.

Alberta?

Canada. Might not know.

Say, George, your pigs are very quiet tonight.

Oh, they're fine, they're fine.

Sidney, what am I going to do?

Well, you look all in, George.

Why don't you come back to the house for a couple of snifters and a welcoming

bed? Well, that's very decent of you.

No, they might still be up.

Come, you follow me.

Excellent idea.

I'm a dog tired.

Driven from near Cambridge today.

Well...

You

mustn't let it upset you. You'll be all right, I promise.

You need me to take care of it.

Nothing's going to happen.

I'll call you... Look,

Ma, look who's here, look.

George. You like him?

Come and sit down.

Thank you.

Terrible about Edith.

Most bizarre.

Unexpected. Woman in love, you see, George. Driven over the edge by passion.

Terrible blow.

Thank you.

Your pig's all right.

Oh, perfect, George.

Pass their exams with flying colours.

A few more days and it'll be bonus time.

Of course, tomorrow we're opening the pool.

Yes, yes.

In fact, that's why I came back today.

Couldn't miss that, eh?

I should hope not.

Now we've got a very full day planned.

Oh, splendid.

Which we fully intend that you will play a major role.

What you need now is a good night's kip.

Yes, well, I am a bit weary, I must confess.

He can stay here, can't he, Ma? Of course he can.

The attic room's all made up.

Got another guest upstairs, Jasmine Brown.

Lovely girl.

Pots of dough, but she's all on her own, bless her heart.

Oh, yeah, she's lovely.

Anxious to meet you.

Heard a lot about you, George.

That's you, by Jove.

Yes, he's asleep now, but you'll see her in the morning.

Lambs to the slaughter.

They don't suspect a thing.

Lambs to the slaughter.

How do I look?

Perfect.

Come on, you must have one of these.

Lovely. I just got a call from the station.

Mrs. Harren's arrived.

Her taxi should be here in ten minutes.

Ten minutes, right.

Now, bottoms up.

You upstairs on the double. Make sure you waylay George.

Consider him waylay, Pop.

Good girl.

Thank you.

I'm Jasmine Brown.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, they told me.

I was just on my way to the pool.

Oh, steady.

You've been having one of those Larkin specials, I know.

Gosh, no.

George Heron, by the way.

I could do with a cooler.

You look marvellously cool, George.

I love your outfit.

Really?

Stunning. And that cravat.

I adore men in cravats.

Well... Let's sit down.

Here, where it's quiet.

Well, indeed.

Why not?

Mrs. Haran. I'm very pleased to meet you again. Where is he? Who is who?

My blasted husband.

Oh, him. He's probably round the back, admiring the swimming pool.

Swimming pool?

In this dump? Yes, indeed. Today's the official opening, in fact.

Yes.

We're playing blind man's bath later on.

I demand to see him. Certainly, but first, permit me to do the

This is Flo.

Flo.

This is Mrs. Haran.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh? About your power over women.

Oh. Oh?

Who told you this?

Oh, people.

People, eh?

Men or women?

Both. I understand you make all the men blisteringly jealous.

And all the women?

Well.

I've had my moment.

I'll bet you have.

And still will, I hope.

I wonder if I shouldn't show my face.

Larkin will be wondering what I've got up to. I am a guest, after all.

Oh, the Larkins never worry about things like that.

Guests here can do what they like.

Disappear into the woods.

Play hide -and -seek.

Sit on the stairs.

It's all free and easy here.

You know, of course, that they're not married.

Good Lord.

Larkin by name, Larkin by nature.

Family motto, eh?

Oh, I love sitting on the stairs, don't you?

Not in there?

That's funny, he was here a moment ago.

Well, he'd better be here.

It's his skin or yours.

But you must be stifling in that jacket.

Why don't you take it off?

Hmm? Or better still, why don't we go for a swim?

Oh, topping idea.

But I haven't got any trunks. Oh, that's not a problem.

Pop had some spares in the bathing hut.

And we won't be disturbed there.

Splendid idea.

Splendid. Come with me.

There we are.

We can get you changed.

No,

he's not in there.

No, definitely not in there.

No, I wouldn't go in there.

Oh, pigs.

Oh, really?

The Larkins have a boat.

Oops, we'll take a trip later.

Oh, perfect.

hideaway. Such a quaint idea, undressing in a bathing hud.

More private, I suppose.

Certainly. Do what you like in here and nobody will ever know.

Trousers first?

Really?

Oh, red ones.

Swap.

Are you sure he's here?

Oh, absolutely. I can't imagine where he's got to.

Mrs. Harren?

Would you like a drink or a sandwich or something?

If I thought for one moment that I'd been lured here under false pretenses,

Larkin, I can assure you there would be hell to pay.

He's definitely here, Mrs. Harren.

I think I'll look over there again.

I'm sorry, my dear. I'm looking for my husband.

Not guilty.

Good Lord.

That was my wife.

Your wife?

Estranged. Long story.

She'll kill me, literally, if she finds me like this.

I mean, good Lord, she might come back.

No, she won't, George.

Larkin.

You're safe in here, George.

That is, of course, as long as no -one tells her.

This is a set -up, you cads.

Can't you understand?

If she catches me like this, it'll be a scandal. It'll be divorce courts and

photographs in the newspapers.

It'll be the end of our joint bank account.

You brought this on yourself, George.

Let's have Edith's money for the pigs.

I haven't got any money.

Oh, well, in that case... No,

no, wait, wait, wait.

Thank you.

Now, Edith's money for the farm.

Oh, come on, be fair.

She's only out there, George.

How do I know you won't tell her I'm in here?

I'll keep my word, George.

Never broken it, ever.

I solemnly swear I will not tell your wife where you're hiding.

What about her?

I swear, I won't tell her where you are unless, of course... Come on, Lord.

It's your only chance.

Thank you. And my money for the pigs.

Thank you.

Best of luck in Patagonia, George.

Patagonia? Yeah, best thing you ever did was go in there.

Come along, Jasmine.

Hold my eyes, George.

Please, can I have my trousers?

Well,

almost time to cushion the pool.

It's going to be a grand finale and no mistake.

I can acquire... Wait, no, no, business here, you know. Wait a minute.

especially for the occasion.

I was going to call it In at the Deep End, but I think I'll just call it

Home. Oh, sounds perfect.

There she

is. Come

on.

How kind of you to come and meet me. Kind, Edith. Just good neighbours,

all.

Well, how was Paris? Oh, marvellous. Quite marvellous.

Although not the same without George. No, of course not.

No.

Edith.

About George.

He wrote me a letter.

And, well, he asked me to give you this.

Oh.

What a kind and generous man he is.

What?

Oh, I can't help feeling that life won't be quite the same without him.

I'd agree with you there, Edith.

Still.

Want to get in the back with me, Edith?

Yeah, come on.

In you go, Edith, that's it.

That's right, up you go more.

Hey, now then, Edith.

What do you say to a nice bit of ham and a snifter back at Chez Nure?

Oh, Mr Larkin, you are kind.

Not kind, Edith, not kind.

Just good neighbours, that's all.

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