Original subtitles

I'm going back.

What, to the office? I thought you said you were coming strawberry picking with

us.

Yes, I know I did, but... We're all going.

Kids are staying off school.

You said you were coming with us.

It was the moment, you see.

It was Sunday and the sun was shining.

The sun's shining now, look.

Yes, I know.

But it's Monday morning.

I always go to the office on Monday.

Strawberry picking was just a dream.

Just a kind of madness.

Are you saying we're barmy?

No, of course not.

But the tax office is my career.

I can't jeopardise it on a whim.

Good old man. Even people in the tax law can take some sick leave now and again,

surely. You could do with some sick leave if you asked me. I don't like the

round your cheekbones. You've got white spots on them.

Have I?

Very bad sign, white spots.

What of?

Of what?

Good God almighty, Charlie. You must have paid millions in there, that

Health Law. What's so good of that if you can't make use of it now and again?

It's a question of conscience.

Conscience.

Since when has a state had a conscience, eh?

Beautiful.

Much too hot for us like that.

Not coming.

Going back to the office.

But you promised.

I admit that I may have indicated... Yes, yes, yes, you said in the meadow.

Oh? About stopping.

You were going to stay till next week at least, you said.

We wanted you and now you're breaking a promise.

Two eggs or three, Mr Charlton?

Don't run away.

That's what you're doing.

I thought you liked us.

I thought we counted.

Like you.

I've never met anyone like you.

Ever.

Well, then.

I still feel guilty taking sick leave.

Sorry for a few days.

I'm perfectly well.

You've never been strawberry picking. You wait till tonight.

All right, everyone all right? Yeah!

Perfect. Hang on by your toenails.

This is what I like on a warm day. This is what I've been waiting for.

I'll see you about five, Ma. Wake up, Pop.

I'm going to Portsmouth to Pompeii.

You watch out for them wrens.

You won't forget my letter, will you, Mr Larkin? No, no, no, no. But you owe me

one for this, Charlie boy.

It's a bit like parachuting behind enemy lines.

Why

don't

you do that?

He'd be all that much cooler and he'd be marvellously brown.

What's the old man up to these days? Oh, this and that.

He's not from Portsmouth today. He's been a man about... Oh, Charlie.

Oh. Yeah, well done, Charlie.

Meet Mr. Jennings.

Charlie's in income tax.

Income tax?

No, no, he's a friend of ours.

He's on leave.

Oh.

Good with figures, are you?

What about sitting here and doing my job?

Sitting? All you have to do is weigh and book the baskets.

How about it?

Sit.

Yeah. So you're here again as well?

Yeah.

Sweat. Can feel it running down me back.

Guess any otter will have to strip out.

Pardon? Strip out.

Like that otter of four.

Remember that, Lynn?

Yeah.

Wasn't as hot as this, though.

Runs off you like water.

Well, I make about two dozen punnets.

Now... Oh, no, wait, I hadn't counted.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Look, I'm terribly sorry, but I didn't get the number of punnets you bought.

dozen.

Are you sure? Two dozen.

You want to get your arithmetic working.

Three.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Lady in blue.

How many punnets did you say you brought in?

Three dozen.

I thought I wrote down two.

Three. I was standing there when you wrote it down, wasn't I?

Use your loaf, man.

Who wants a lolly? Me!

Are you sure you won't have one? No, next morning's the same. You'll have

nothing since breakfast.

I'll tell you what I'll do. Look, I'll leave one over here in case you fancy it

later. All right. Everybody back to work.

Toodle -oo.

Bye.

Charlie,

you can use your loaf about Paul and Lil, won't you?

I'll try.

Morning.

Pauline Jackson.

Two dozen.

You're here, aren't you?

Never seen you before.

Sort of on holiday.

Nice to be some people.

Mind if I ask you something?

No, of course not.

I heard somebody out there say your name was Cedric.

Cedric?

Good Lord, no.

Charlie, that's me.

Ask the Larkins.

Ask Mariette. Oh, her.

She knows you, does she?

Last fella who was here did nothing but eat strawberries.

Every time he came in here, he was eating strawberries.

Well, I'm not that keen, actually.

Don't you like these either?

Not quite, Faye.

Don't like anything, do you?

Not much.

Suppose you'd think I was greedy if I asked if I could have it.

Oh, no, please, go ahead.

Thanks.

That's the way to be nice to anybody.

First time.

Aren't people always nice to you the first time?

Depends. Depends on what?

On whether I let them.

Oh, company.

See you later, Charlie.

Thanks for the lolly.

Steady, she'll hear.

She's meant to.

I really didn't want the thing. I told her to take it.

She'll take anything, that one.

She'll take the skin off your back and a bit more if you let her.

It's only a lolly. A lolly?

Oh, Charlie!

Mariette!

Who are you?

Special delivery.

Of what?

No idea. I was just asked to leave this in Mr. Shell's in -tray.

By whom?

Well, search me. It was just a bloke I met in the local village pub last night.

I know this handwriting.

Are you Mr. Shell?

Correct. B .J.

Sheldon. Bago.

The man of his age.

Pardon? Was it Mr Charlton himself who gave you this to deliver?

Who? Mr Charlton, the writer of this missive. Oh, presumably.

Well, was he stricken with Lumbago, doubled up like a penknife, as he so

graphically puts it?

Well, now you come to mention it, he did look a bit hunched and drawn.

You met him in your local.

Did Mr Charlton say where he was staying?

No, no idea, no idea at all. Well, I must be going. It's been very nice to do

sort of... Oh, thank you very much.

One moment, Mr... Er, Partridge.

Ernie Partridge.

Partridge. Are you registered with this district?

For income tax? No, of course, blimey, no. No, well, I mean, I haven't got two

problems to rub together, me, no. I'm just an odd job man, you know. I'll

you know, do anything, go anywhere.

I'll do anything just to keep body and soul together.

Was Mr Charlton with a man called Larkin?

No, no, no, no Larkin, no.

Pity, a man who interests us greatly.

Isn't that so, Mrs Hall? Oh, yes indeed, Mr Shell.

We all know that name.

Here we are.

A nation even now still recovering from the economic wounds of the Second World

War and parasites like this Larkin seem to think they have a God -given right to

exist outside the system.

They do not.

Two more baskets. I think I'll pack it in for the day.

I see.

Are you paid every day, Miss Jackson, or just at the weekends?

What makes you keep calling me Miss Jackson?

Nothing, really.

Except...

There's a pool at Foldington.

How about it?

What? You and me having a swim.

I could give you a lift on my Vespa.

That's Charlie, you know, over there.

Don't suppose you could lend us five, Bob?

Because I could nip down the shop on my bike.

God, it's hot out in that field.

You need a drag every two minutes to keep you going.

Five bob.

Come on, ducky.

Somebody's at it.

Somebody's at it.

Somebody's catching a bucket.

She had a pair of binoculars.

Oh, yeah? What?

See how that young man's getting on with his technique.

If he's getting on at all.

Oh, yeah?

You might be surprised.

I don't know what it is, but you've got a sort of new look about him.

Nothing happened at the strawberry fields, you said?

No.

Just the job for the Gymkhana, there's no doubt about that.

It's awfully decent of you to step in.

I always like to oblige.

Yes, we do.

What about the car park, though? That's always a ghastly problem.

Oh, well.

Use the other field, the little one.

Yeah. Simple, Edith. Come and go as you please, any time. Oh, splendid.

Well, all we want now is a fine day.

If it's wet, it'll be absolutely ghastly. Yeah, well...

Can't control the tap water, I'm afraid.

Mind you, you can always put a drop of something in it, eh?

What about a little drop of gin?

Drop of whiskey?

I said to myself, it couldn't

possibly be yours.

And then I said to myself, I bet it is.

Come on, Edith.

Let me give you a lift over.

Right?

Yes, madam.

Right, there you are. You can get in the back. Speak to me down that tube. Give

me orders and that.

Oh, no, I'm not getting in the back.

No fear.

I'm getting in the front with you.

Oh, very well.

Please don't look.

at the garden is simply ghastly. It's absolutely ghastly.

Oh, don't look.

This is ghastly too.

Do take a pew, won't you?

I'll find one.

There.

I'll have a drink for you in a jiff.

Oh, perfect.

here somewhere.

I know I have.

Jolly good.

I like a drop of scotch.

It was all so different just after the war, you see.

One could get help then.

I used to get a woman in from the village to clean.

I had a man in to do the garden three times a week.

Strapping chap.

Awfully nice.

But one simply can't afford it anymore.

People can earn far more fruit -picking than I could possibly afford.

And what little savings one does have.

I have some 3 % more stock.

Not a great deal, of course, but even that.

I bought it at 96, and now all it's worth is 67.

They talk about the welfare state.

It doesn't seem fair.

I sometimes think all governments are basically dishonest. All they're

interested in is getting out of you what little you have got.

What do you think?

I think you ought to get it off them before they can get it off you.

Perfect.

Well, I must push back. Got a lot to do before bedtime.

Oh.

Must you go?

Well, I'm afraid so.

Well, you've been an absolute lamb about the Gymkhana.

Now, I just wanted to say... Well,

I just wanted to let you know that...

How

about one more?

Please?

Did you kiss her?

Of course I did.

I thought you would.

Make her sleep all the sweeter.

What was it like?

It was a bit like trying to catch a mole down a dark alley.

Poor old Edith.

Poor old Edith.

I'm waiting.

I think it's about time you kissed me.

It was decided when you had to ask for one.

All right, Charlie?

Yeah, it's fine.

How's this looking?

Ah, well, always time for that.

I was thinking today about the tax on the strawberry picking.

Charlie, you're not still on about that tax, are you?

An awful lot of money gets paid out to those pickers.

Strawberries, cherries, hops and so on.

Strictly in law, they ought to pay tax on what they earn.

I mean, if the law is to be interpreted to the strict letter. Oh, strict letter,

my old fanny, Charlie.

I mean, damn it, Charlie, you know what would happen if they had to pay tax?

Well, it wouldn't come.

If they didn't come, you know what would happen?

I'll tell you what would happen.

The country would starve.

You see, because this is Kent, you see. This is the Garden of England.

And if they didn't come, the produce wouldn't get picked. And if the produce

didn't get picked... picked couldn't go to covent garden and if it didn't go to

covent garden the people couldn't buy it and if the people couldn't buy it

there'd be riots in the streets and the government could fall because it

wouldn't be nothing would it it wouldn't be no strawberries no apples no plums

no pears no cherries no hops no beer

Perfect place, don't you think, for a gymkhana?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Hmm.

Hmm.

It's a pity they don't want no fireworks.

It'll do you something to round the day off.

A party?

Oh, pot, what a lovely idea.

A cocktail party.

Oh. After the gymkhana, you know, it's all round the day off.

it in a billiard room. There's bags of room in there.

I've never been to a cocktail party.

Neither have I.

Well, none of us have.

Charlie? Oh, well, one or two, you know.

What do people normally drink at cocktail parties?

Cocktails?

Yeah, and I can mix them and all. Yeah, we could have Rolls Royces, chauffeurs.

Um, Red Bulls. Red Bulls. Well, Red Bulls are blinder. They'll make their

curl.

It might be better if you stuck to two or three less explosive drinks.

Say, sherry, port, gin and French?

Gin and French? No, no, no.

That's all dull as ditch water there.

What about champagne?

Lovely.

Isn't champagne rather expensive?

No, no, no, no. Not if you've been supplying a certain hotel with pheasants

years, you think.

What about eats?

Charlie.

Oh.

Well, canapes, peanut, vol -au -vents, that sort of thing.

Vol -au... Vol -au -what?

Vents.

French.

French.

I'd better boil a ham.

So, I've seen the invitations. Here, this is...

Mr and Mrs Sidney Charles Larkin requests the pleasure of your company.

Listen, there's a monogram.

Sounds very grand.

Oh, yeah, it is. Of course, he's very clever, is that, Charlie?

Almost makes you wish you went to school yourself, you know what I mean?

He's clever, all right.

No doubt about that.

I ain't married yet, sweetie.

Of course, the only thing is, I hope that you wouldn't want to take her away

from me.

Tell him what we'd do if he took her away from here.

He may not want to take her anywhere.

Hmm? Why have I not?

He's very sweet on her.

Maybe.

I don't think he knows yet.

She's going to have someone else's baby.

Sir George?

Yeah?

Sidney Larkin, sir.

From my home farm where the gym parlour's being held.

I just thought I'd pop round and deliver this invitation to the cocktail party

afterwards, you and your good lady.

Well, you wouldn't have found us here, Larkin.

We live in the Keeper's Cottage nowadays.

So, uh, your family pile's empty then, is it?

Can't afford to run a place like this any more.

It'd be like having a television set without watching it.

Yeah, if you say so.

Mr George.

Um, excuse me.

I might be able to do you a bit of a favour, sir.

Favour? I might be able to make you an offer for it.

You mean buy it? Yeah, well, I mean, you're not living in it, are you? And if

you ask me, you're never likely to.

I wasn't asking you, actually.

No, but what I mean is it's a pity to be sitting on such an unrealised asset.

And what would you do with it? Well, I'd pull the flipping thing down. What else

would you do with it?

Good God.

Yes. Look, that's full of very useful scrap in there, Sir George.

And I might be able to make the offer in part cash.

Scrap? Hmm?

Well,

listen.

Oh, you think about it, sir. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry at all.

I'll see you at the Gymkhana then, sir. All right? Good. All right. All right.

Get, sir.

Whoopie catch.

So good of you and Lady Blackgore to come.

One does one's bit.

The village expects it.

But in these surroundings, Sir George.

Not bad!

Oh, I honestly couldn't. It would be absolutely ghastly. Well, I thought you

liked a bit of fun.

I think you're trying to be very naughty.

Oh, yes.

Well, I took you home in the rolls the other day. Who was naughty then?

But I don't see what that's got to do with your asking me to ride in the

derby.

All right.

Well, suit yourself.

Suit yourself.

But if you could see a way to ride it in the race, I could see the way to giving

you a kiss or two.

Promise?

I know your promises. They're like pie crust.

It is.

And now the last contestant, Miss M. Larkin.

Finest Gymkhana that's been for years.

Perfect.

I don't say this like you, Larkin, but you're a real gentleman.

Me? A gentleman?

That'll be the day, General. That'll be the day.

And now, at length, number 15, the first of our novelty races, the ladies'

donkey derby.

I think. Oh, thank you, ma 'am.

I don't think tea's all that good for you.

My husband told me you called the other day.

Yeah, in a manner of speaking, Lady Bluff, in a manner of speaking.

Yes, George was quite furious.

He said you had some idea of buying Bluff Court and demolishing it.

Well, let me put it this way. I think it's a wonderful idea.

I wanted to pull the damn thing down for years.

Well... Of course, it wouldn't be at all an

easy business to persuade Sir George.

He's not an easy man.

I think I might be able to persuade him.

And, uh, suppose I did?

I'm sure you'd come to some sort of arrangement.

Precisely.

Five percent off the top, Sue.

I knew you'd understand.

Never

thought

we asked this many.

We didn't.

They've all come, eh? Yeah, why not?

Look after them poor little Barnwell sisters. They haven't had nothing yet.

Oh, ain't they?

All right.

I'll see to them.

Oh! Right.

All right?

Here, excuse me, Maria. I'll take that. Could you help people with champagne?

Of course we are. All right?

Here you go.

Hey!

Terrible, terrible, isn't it, eh? Nobody looking after you.

Oh, well, come on, have a sandwich.

Go on, have the plate, have the plate.

Now, let me get... What would you like? Champagne? A glass of beer?

Cider? A glass of port?

No, thank you. All the same.

Nothing like that at all.

We're quite happy.

Oh. Well, what about, um... What about a marcerie?

What is a marcerie, Mr. Larkin?

Well, a marcerie is, um... It's lemonade with flavouring.

That sounds very nice.

If it's no trouble... No, no trouble. Trouble at all. No trouble at all. I'll

back in a tick.

Damn fine party.

Damn fine.

Excuse me, General.

What be, General?

Oh, you're very kind.

Yeah?

I've never really been anything before.

Just sort of a blob, really.

An accounting blob.

But then I met you and everything changed.

I'm somebody. I know I am.

You are to me.

That's what I mean.

It's because of you.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be.

I'd just be who I was and not who I am.

But I want to be who I am because I've never been so happy.

But to go on being happy, well, it's impossible unless... Unless?

I love you, Mariette.

Will you marry me?

Girls, how do you like the margarita?

It's quite delicious.

Invigorating. Really?

Well, come on, then. Let me get you another one.

What about

me?

Oh, Edith.

Are you having a nice time?

Well, it will be nice, sir.

when you've kept your promise.

in case I don't get another chance of seeing you alone again.

Thanks for everything.

Marvellous, Jim Connor.

All you're doing, and this party, has made me very happy.

Very happy.

The wicked, wicked girls.

They tell me you organized this whole bonfire single -handed.

The thing positively went like a bomb.

I'm Angela Snow.

Oh, I'm... I know you.

You're something of a legend.

Oh, me?

Never.

I'm afraid I gate -crashed.

Well, lucky old gate, I should say.

Well, enjoying the party? What a slap.

Do you dance to it?

Well, I used to fling them up a bit at one time.

It's green.

Oh, yes.

The donkey race, they tell me, was your idea.

Glistering success.

You know, if I'd met you earlier, I'd have had you on a donkey.

You know, I believe you would.

Do you know something?

What? Your laugh makes my toes tingle. I mean, actually tingle.

Go on, get away.

True. True as I'm a virgin.

Listen, how do you like fireworks?

Not a door?

Then come with me.

Thank you.

Mr. Charles is going to wed...

Never saw her before in me life.

Don't you want no ketchup?

No.

I've gone off ketchup.

Makes everything taste the same.

See, you won't go off port as well.

She's nice about it, isn't she?

I can say it.

Say what?

Well, does Charlie know about the baby?

Hmm?

Oh, she ain't going to have a baby now.

Is she?

Oh, it's a false alarm.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Oh, jolly good.

Perfect.

I am, though.

Well, how did that happen?

How? What do you mean, how?

Oh, what do you mean?

When does it take back to?

That evening in the Bluebell Woods.

I think there's a wild duck's nest up there, you said.

So we went to have a look.

So we did, yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, you know, I never thought... You don't know your own

If this light carries on much longer, you and me will have to get married as

well.

Wouldn't be a bad idea, I suppose.

We could have a double wedding.

I'd be better off Charlie.

Why? Well, he knows about these things.

Come on, darling.

Don't leave me out.

Here we are.

Congratulations, son.

Well,

we got a bit of news of our own now.

Ma and me are thinking of getting married as well.

Yeah, because Ma's having another baby.

Ma!

Isn't that wonderful news, Charlie?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, that's wonderful news, but... but this does want thinking

about. Oh, Marcy, I told you so.

Well, go on, then.

Stay away, old man, stay away.

Go on, sit yourself down, everyone.

About your getting

married... Yeah?

You see...

From a tax point of view, it doesn't actually pay to get married at all.

It actually pays to live in... Don't use that word.

I know what you were going to say.

I'm sorry.

What I meant was that if I were you, I'd keep to the status quo.

Status quo, eh?

Oh, quo.

I would.

It would be using your loaf.

Well, I suppose we're happy as we are, me ma.

Nothing to worry about, is it?

Not as I can think of.

No.

What about you, Charlie?

You going back to that tax lock?

If I don't, I'll lose my pension.

Pension?

What do you mean, to sit on your backside for 40 years to pick up four

week that's only worth two by the time you collect it, eh? Oh, come on. Use

loaf, Charlie boy.

You wouldn't want to be away all day.

No.

I can't go back.

Not after this.

I'm free.

Good. Well, that's settled, then. Eh?

Now, I'll tell you what.

Let's all have one glass of pork.

And then we'll all go to bed.

Eh? Yeah, let's see.

Right. Come on, you two.

Come on.

Cheers. Cheers.

To us.

To us.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, it's the side of rain.

Soft as cobwebs.

Oh, we could do with that.

Just what the cherries need.

You'll love the cherry picking.

Nightingales Perfect

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