Original subtitles

Here, sir.

Quite sure this is the biggest you've got. Quite sure, sir.

But, uh, looking at the price... That's the price. No, the price don't matter.

Yeah, it pays for itself in the long run.

Well, I suppose with payments over three years.

Even so, you'd have to find a substantial deposit.

Deposit payments?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, we'll take it with us, eh?

Pay for it now.

Mr, uh... Larkin.

Mr Larkin, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but we'd need to telephone your bank to

confirm... Bank?

No, no, no, I ain't got a bank. I don't believe in it.

Then how do you propose to pay for this?

Well, cash, of course.

Ready as ready.

Don't mind taking your coat off, do you? Help me load it in the back of the

truck.

Oh, quickly, quick, quick, quick, quick. Hand them round. No extra licks on the

way.

Open up, Ma.

There you are.

Good.

Oh.

There you go.

One raspberry super bumper. It'll get up quickly. You'll get it down your

jumper.

What's up with Marriott, Ma?

Marriott what?

She ain't been laughing much today.

I suspect she's thinking.

Thinking? What's she got to think about?

Well, she's going to have a baby.

straw on.

Won't be more than another few days now.

It's my favourite strawberry picking.

Ooh, something about strawberry picking.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Everything's perfect, your way of thinking.

How about this baby that Marion's going to have?

What about Tiffy?

Well, who's is it?

She can't make up her mind.

We should have to make her mind up sometime.

Why?

Oh.

Well, no, it don't matter then. We'll figure something.

He always does so, doesn't he?

We're all right, aren't we?

We've got nothing to worry about.

I can get down myself.

Come on.

It's all right.

Mars told me.

Hey, Pop.

Yeah?

There's a man over there, isn't there?

Hello,

Lola. Good morning. Good morning, Robert.

Good to meet you. I think so, yes.

Mr Sidney Larkin.

Yes, that's me. Larkin by name, Larkin by nature.

What can I do for you?

Nice weather, isn't it?

I'm from the Office of the Inspector of Taxes.

Inspector of what?

Taxes. Inland Revenue.

No, you must have come to the wrong house. You are Mr Sidney Charles Larkin?

Larkin? Yeah, that's me.

According to our records, you've made no return of income for the past year.

Income?

What income?

Yours. In fact, we have no record of you ever having made a return.

Return? What return? Why? I mean, no -one's ever asked me. Well, you should

had a form.

One like this.

Form? Form, no.

Mark, come here, Mark. Come and look at this form.

We never had no form, did we?

No, never seen one.

Sure we never?

No, never had no form, Mark said so.

But you must have done.

Two at least would have been sent this year alone, if not three.

Mark says no. She ought to know. She's the one who does all the paperwork.

All right, all right, all right.

Go on, go on.

You're all right. Here.

It's like a nice little ember for Christmas.

I could put your name on one now, if you like. No, thank you.

Now, look, Mr Larkin, this form must be returned to the inspector. There's a

statutory obligation.

I can't return what I ain't got, can I?

Here's another.

No, no, no, can't. I ain't got time for balls.

Oh, God almighty, I've got pigs to feed, there's turkeys to feed, there's horses

to groom, there's cows to milk with the chop.

I mean, all those edges, they've all got to be trimmed. And this grass, what a

grass we've got here.

Mine ain't had a drink, mine ain't had no dinner.

Oh, nobody's had any dinner.

I'm sorry, Mr. Larkin, but under Section 39 of the Finance Act, you are required

by law to...

My oldest daughter, Mariette.

Crazy on horses.

That mare's hers.

Do you like horses, Mr... Sorry, do you know... Charlton.

Charlton.

Mariette. Mariette. Come here, Jeff.

Here.

A young man here, crazy on horses like you. He wants to meet you.

Mariette, this is Mr... Charlton.

Charlton. Hello.

I spotted you first.

Yes, you did, and all she said to me, who's that nice young fella in the yard,

she said.

Do you like riding, too?

Well, I... I think every kid should have a horse.

Nothing like a horse.

All my kids are going to have a horse.

Didn't I see you riding over at Barfield?

The third race at Easter. You came second.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, well, I hope you won a bob or two on her.

Told you it was crazy about horses.

really, Mr. Charlton.

Dinner's ready.

Dinner's ready.

Is anybody coming or am I slaving away in here for

nothing?

Dinner's ready.

Coming, Mark.

Got to go, Mr. Charlton. Sorry. Mark, I won't have no waiting. But, Mr. Larkin,

unless you do something about this form, you could be liable for a very heavy

fine.

Perhaps even imprisonment.

Did you see me ride at Newchurch?

I rode there, too.

As a matter of fact, I did, yes.

I'll tell you what, Mr Charlton.

Why don't you come and join us for dinner?

No trouble, tons of grub. No, I've eaten, thank you. I had a sandwich at

Well, come and have a glass of beer.

Nice drop of Guinness.

Come and have a cup of tea.

Oh, yes, do, Mr Charlton.

with your teeth.

You've got me such a sardine. No, thank you.

I don't like sardines.

Mr Charlton's got me right a barfield, hasn't he?

Funny we didn't see you there. We was all there.

Mr Charlton loves us.

Well, there's no ending.

Hit it, Victoria.

No, it's probably the aerial. Do the aerial.

There's a programme about pygmies.

I'll not speak.

Mr Larkin. Never speak before you put it. I don't know. Yeah, well, give it

more week and I'll turn it in for a new one. Mr Larkin.

Bob. Hmm?

Mr Larkin wants to say something.

Oh, morning.

Stay away, old man. Stay away.

What about this form?

If you've got any difficulties, I could help you fill it in.

It's all right. Fair enough. You fill it in then.

Mmm. Mark.

Look at that.

Big bowl of strawberry mousse. Mmm.

Lovely.

That's real

Jersey

cream, mate. It's from our own cow.

Farmer, see?

Number of children.

I think that's all. No more?

Well, no, not yet. Give us a chance. Oh, man, it's pretty tight for a day, isn't

it, Ray?

Oh, gone again.

Montgomery, Primrose, go upstairs and get the one out of her bedroom.

Two television sets?

No, four in all.

Name of the children?

Well, Victoria, because she was born in the plum time.

Zinnia and Petunia, the twins.

Named after Mars' favourite flowers.

Primrose, because she came in the spring.

Montgomery, art of the general.

And Mariette.

That's an unusual name.

I wanted to call her after that queen.

I felt sorry for that queen.

Which queen?

The French one, Marie Antoinette.

But it was too long, Pop said. He'd never say it, he said.

Oh, he tried to join the two names together.

Mariette. See?

Now, why do you feel so sorry for that queen?

Well, they cut her head off, didn't they?

Who did? The French.

Didn't they? Yeah.

Well, that's disgusting, that is.

Isn't it, eh? There's no way to treat a queen.

Not even a French one.

Actually, she wasn't French at all.

Marie Antoinette was the daughter of the Empress Marie Theresa of Austria.

Well, I never.

Get away.

That's it, kids.

That's it. We're good.

Anyway.

Are you all right, Mr. Charlton?

Yes, fine.

Mr.

Larkin.

Of course, this is confidential in every way, but at what would you estimate

your income?

Estimate?

Estimate income?

Hear that, Mark?

Hear that?

Income.

Outcome, I should say.

Outcome, more likely.

Look, I've got six kids to clove and feed, this place to run. I've got fodder

buy. You know, wheat is as dear as gold dust.

I mean, pig food. Cost of that is enough to frighten you to death.

And cost of living is going up all the time, you know.

I've got vets' fees because we've had it all here. We've had it all. This wine

fever, foot and mouth, foul pets. We've had birds dying all over the place. In

come old man. I should light some old man. I should light some.

Now, if I could sell a nightingale song, I know how to do it.

I've got them in the woods, you know, up there, back at the house.

Oh, singing all day, Mr. Jack. Singing all day.

Really?

The wakeful nightingale.

She all night long, her amorous death can't hang.

I didn't realise they sang all day.

Oh, yeah. And all night, too, during the mating season.

Like everything else.

Go out at elf eleven, don't they?

Are you married, Mr. Charlton?

No.

Tell you what, why don't you get Mariette to take you up the woods and

nightingale?

Well, I... Only if you'd like to.

Yes, I think I would.

In that case, I'll change.

It's getting a bit warm for Jogford.

Everybody has to work here so we can scratch a living.

Not a drop of Guinness, Mr Charlton? Oh, no, thank you. No, I'm quite full. Oh,

I've been looking at you. I don't think you get enough to eat. Oh!

Well, I live in lodgings, you see, and my stomach's rather delicate.

Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, that's terrible.

Could you pass me the tomato sauce, please, Mr Charlton?

I've got a piece of ice bun I want to finish up.

Are you ready, Mr Charlton?

She's beautiful.

She reminds me of you when you was her age.

A quarter of me more like.

A quarter of me.

No.

Well, I'll show you a couple of keys for Sunday lunch.

Yeah, lovely.

I'll have to catch them first at this carpet.

Oh, yeah.

That's about me talking.

It's all so close.

It's Pop's paradise.

It's beautiful.

You didn't really believe about the nightingales, did you?

To be honest, no.

The one with the long notes and the long pauses.

That's a nightingale.

Tell you something else you didn't believe either.

What's that?

You didn't believe I was the same girl you saw riding at Easter, did you?

No.

How did you guess?

You could see it in your eyes.

What's up there?

Oh,

there you are, Mrs Charlton. Wonder where you two got to.

Just your type of tea.

I thought we'd just had lunch.

No, no, that was dinner.

I really ought to be going.

No, you can't go now. You've got to stay. Mar told me, special.

Oh, yes, do, Mr Charlton.

You're a good part of my know.

Mr Larkin.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to come again. Do you think we could

complete that tax form before I go?

It really is very important.

It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?

Please, Mr Larkin. Did you hear the nightingales?

Eh? Perfect.

Mr Larkin, I do strongly urge you... Look, look, look.

Look, there are goldfinches. Look.

Drop of milk, Mark? Oh, yeah, lovely peaches. Well, fancy.

Drop of milk, Mr Charlton? No, no, no, no, no. No, really, not for me.

Yes, come on, it relieves the wind, frees the kidneys and opens the bowels.

Mr Charlton picked these for me this afternoon.

Very nice and very gentlemanly.

Yours in the oven, Peck.

Look here, Mr Charlton, haven't you got another name? I can't be doing with all

this mistering.

Cedric. What?

months before.

Yes, sir?

Now, that's the trouble we give you, Mr. Charlton. Too much wire work.

Um, do you play crib at all, Mr. John?

Sorry.

Oh, we all play here.

Helps you learn figures.

Marriott plays?

It could show you how.

No, I'm sorry. I really must be going.

I have to catch the eight o 'clock bus.

No, no, no.

That's all right. I'll give you a lift back in the truck.

Or Marriott.

Could you give me a lift in the station wagon?

Would you, Marriott, give me a lift home? Of course not.

Well, that's very kind of you.

The tax form.

We haven't finished the tax form.

No.

It's all right. Plenty of time for that, old man. Plenty of time.

You eat up the kipper. That's it, go on.

Look, I told you. Look, it's 15.

It's right, 15, 2, 15, 4, 15, 6.

A pair's 8, 3's 11, 3's 14, one for his knob, 15.

I still don't understand one for his knob.

I told you, it's a jack.

One for his knob, two for his heels. Your deal, Mark.

A gorging jack and a goggling jimmy.

Thank you, darling.

Oh, look at that. Seven cards. Missed deal. Chucky, Bungie.

Pick him up, don't you dare.

Oh, you've got to watch him, Mr Charlton, playing crib.

He's sharp as a packet of pins.

I don't think I will ever understand this game.

What, you're an office man. I thought all office men were good at figures.

Different sort of figures.

Look, I don't really want to be going.

Oh, going?

Oh, wait a minute. You can't go now.

Oh, you'd better stay the night.

That's all right, isn't it, Mum? Yeah, more the merrier.

There you are. We'll make you a bed up.

I couldn't possibly.

I've got nothing with me.

I've got no pyjamas.

Pyjamas? You've got no pyjamas?

You've got no pyjamas? You don't need pyjamas.

You sleep in your shirt like what I do.

I'll wear pyjamas. I'll lend you a pair of mine.

There you are.

Well... See, that's settled then.

Oh, come on. I'll tell you what.

Let's pack this in and I'll mix us a nice drink. What about a nice cocktail?

You don't want no more. You'll be up in the night. I'm thirsty, I am. I've all

barged up.

You'll be pickled.

I've never been pickled in my life.

Well, not more than once or twice a week.

And then that's when he's standing up pickled.

Here's one we haven't tried.

It's called a Rolls Royce.

Sounds nice.

Here, a scarf of verma, a quart of whiskey, a quart of gin, and a dash of

bitters. Dash? You will, too, with that lot. Blow your head off. Yeah, blow some

off. Not quite sure what, though.

I'm airing him.

All right,

Mr Charlton.

It's a ship.

Yeah, that's right.

Here we are.

Here they come.

Down it.

There we go.

There you are. A small one for you, madam.

And one for you, sir.

There you go.

There you are, madam.

As you can see, I mixed doubles at the same time. You try them first. We don't

want them if they're no good.

All right, all right. I thought you might drop down dead.

All right. All right.

Here goes it.

Perfect.

This will grow hairs.

Cheers, then, everybody. Cheers.

Cheers.

Mm. Mm.

Oh.

Oh. Mm.

This is a perfect pig meal.

Oh, a few more of these, you won't see me for death.

Mm. A few more.

A few more.

Bye.

Good night.

You're my goose.

You're my gardenia.

What is a gardenia?

It's a flower, silly.

There ought to be a cocktail called a gardenia.

A sweet one.

Now, have you said that sober?

Are you all right?

I'm going to be promoted, you know.

Good night.

I'm happy.

I really am.

Good night.

Sleep well.

Nice boy, Mr Charlton.

When he lets himself go.

That's true.

Marriott seems to like him.

Yes.

I'm a bit worried on that score, to tell you the truth.

I don't think he's got it in him.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all

too short a date.

Come on, Mr Charlton.

One egg or two.

Two eggs or three.

Cup of tea.

Look in it.

Cows or Johnny Walker.

How's your tax man?

Hey, how's my old friend?

All right, old man? Have a good sleep.

Oh, perfect morning, isn't he?

Mr Charlton said he doesn't feel very well.

Oh.

Hair of the dog, I should say.

Well, what's your programme this morning, old man? Anything you like.

I think I'll go home.

Hmm? Go home? No, no, you can't do that yet.

No. I want to show you the whole place. You've got 22 acres here altogether.

Lovely little meadow at the back. Beautiful stretch of river.

Perfect.

Do you do any fishing at all?

Hello there, bright eyes.

How are we this morning?

Mr. John doesn't feel too good. He says he might have to go home.

Oh.

I thought we might go riding.

Madden. Early morning breeze, pardon me.

Don't look so worried, Charlie, old man.

It's the trouble of you office wallers. You worry too much by heart.

I really do think I'd better go home.

You know what I think, Charlie, old man?

I wish your name was Charlie.

I can't get used to Cedric. I mean, Cedric's like a parson's name, isn't it?

Why can't we all call you Charlie?

Please call me Charlie if you will.

Perfect.

What I was going to say is this, Charlie, old man.

What I think you need is a larking speckle. Here we are, Ma.

Ah! Ah!

They're very thin.

Excuse me. Thank you, girls.

You sure you don't want breakfast?

I really couldn't.

I really and truly couldn't.

I think you need some fresh air.

That's it. Why don't you take Mr Charlton up the meadow, show him the

Motorboat? Little beauty.

Mrs Larkin?

Hmm?

I don't suppose you've seen that buff form?

Coming up, coming up.

Here we are, Charlie, old man. One larking special.

Now, don't ask what's in it.

Don't stare at it.

Just don't think. Just drink it straight down. I guarantee in ten minutes you'll

feel perfect again.

I think I should go and lie down. No, no, don't think about anything.

Just drink it. Say to hell with everything and drink it straight down.

So how do you feel now?

A little more perfect than I was.

You're not looking at me.

Sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Are you really leaving today?

I must.

You don't have to.

If you don't like sleeping in the billiard room, I'll make you a bed up in

attic. It's nice there.

Sunday dinner is always something special.

I was going to cook a goose or two.

Not the ones... Probably.

So what do you think?

Well, if it's not too much trouble.

Of course not.

Well, in that case...

I'm sure your mother's the most wonderful cook.

Wasn't your mum a good cook?

Can't remember.

Can't remember?

No, she died when I was eight. And my father, in the bombing.

I was brought up by my aunt.

Oh, we've got it!

Yeah! I told you, wouldn't I? We're down!

I think we're getting one of these.

Look at that. There's a monogram there. Look, a monogram on the door, Marla.

Royal? Yeah. Well, that's a duke or something.

The federal authority often don't know. He said he was a duke, a vicar, or some

top of some sort.

It's a royal tights.

Oh, you're on top form, Charlie.

That must have cost a fortune.

Eh? No, no, no, no, no, no. They're part deal, part cash.

Even so, look, that's what I mean about this tax life, you see.

I never have cash in me hand long enough to need to pay any. So there's the

reason, eh?

Hey, come on, everybody, get in, find yourself a seat.

All those in first get the best seat.

That's it, first ones in get the best seat. Come on, Mary Jane.

Come on!

Come on!

I wish I had my hat on. I don't feel right without my hat.

Oh, come on, Mr. Charlton.

So, Charlie, look. There's a seat in the wall there, isn't there?

Look at this, Mark.

Oh, we've got to have flowers in these. Every time we go out, we've got to have

flowers.

Take them, my pup.

The matter is that since Mr Fortescue has withdrawn, there is only one

venue for the gym car. But that man of all people. He turned the last village

social into a riot.

Him and his fireworks.

Mrs Peel was sentenced.

She told me. I want to. The whole family is a disgrace.

And the place is an eyesore.

Positive jump. They eat like pig. And where do they get it from? Black market.

Under the counter. The mother was a barmaid.

Please. Now, there is no alternative.

Are we agreed or not?

Right.

Well, that's settled.

Now, who's going to ask Mr Larkin?

Oh.

Sorry, I'm late.

Ah, Brigadier.

Oh, we're all fainting from hunger back here. Turn round!

Home, James?

Have a turn, Charlie boys. Nothing to it.

No, thanks all the same.

All right, fair enough. Fair enough.

Well, you don't know no one who likes pickled gherkins, do you?

Not offhand. No, I don't. Why?

Well, I've got a load of them out there. Look, a ship.

I just want to find home for them.

They're not all... Pickled gherkins? Oh, yeah.

300 tins of them. Army surplus.

Never mind. I'll fix something.

All right.

Where shall I put this?

Oh, stick it in the fence, Charlie.

Pop,

little Larkin says to put some port on ice. Two red, one white. Ice back is in

the cocktail cabinet.

You'll get a beer while you're in there, Charlie. I'll be better done than those

geese.

I think we've got a visitor.

Oh.

Hello, General.

What can I do for you?

Oh, well met, Martin.

Morning, General.

Morning, Martin.

It was you.

And it is yours.

Yes, right. Just got it.

Had this cost me to run.

Well, might be. Can't tell. Might be.

If it is, I could always flog it.

I knew a Maharaja once who owned one of these.

Good.

Did you really?

Still. Mustn't keep you.

Down to staff work.

I'll bet you a quid that you want a subscription for summer rubber.

Wrong. Not this time.

Well, that deserves a drink. How about a sniff then?

It's early, isn't it?

Not quite over the yardarm yet, are we? Listen, when I want a drink, I have one.

Whether it's early or whether it ain't.

Carry on, Monty.

I was not born for death, immortal bird.

No hungry generations tread thee down.

Voice I hear this passing night was heard in ancient days by emperor and

It's lovely.

I'm happy being able to write a poem about anointing.

There we are, General. Oh, thanks.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Well, I might as well come straight to the point, Larkin.

The fact is, I'm in a god -awful mess.

With me?

Good God, no.

Bad enough, but not that bad.

No, it's the Gymkhana.

That Bolsheviki who's had a god -awful row with the committee.

and has withdrawn from the field.

Always was a basket.

Not only withdrawn from the field, withdrawn the field itself.

No problem.

You can use my matter.

Oh, now, look, I don't want to rush you into anything, Larkin. You don't have to

decide now.

There's nothing to decide. I mean, the matter's there, isn't it? All I've got

do is get the graft cut.

Perfect.

I can't thank you enough.

Eternally grateful.

Particularly when most of that committee wouldn't cross the road to do you a

favour. Oh, put a sock in it, General.

Anyway, I'm probably doing myself a favour.

Might be the last chance I get to see Mariette ride for a while.

Oh, really?

Why's that?

Oh, you know, this, that and the other.

Most grateful anyway.

Well... No, no, no, come on. Let's have another sniff.

Here, come on.

Oh, bunghole, General. Now, don't get up.

Where's your sister?

Well, she's gone over to visit an aunt in Hampshire.

Oh, days march away.

Sunday dinner all on your lonesome?

Oh, well, not so bad.

I'd probably waffle down to the pub and grab a bit of cold.

Cold on Sunday? Why don't you stay here and eat with us?

Oh, well, no, you're very good of you, but thanks all the same.

Oh, come on, General. The more the merrier.

This is Mr.

Charlton. Late entry.

A chap from the tax log.

Actually a real pucker tax gatherer, you mean.

Inspector's office.

Yeah, tried to rope me in on that swindle yesterday.

What do you say, General?

Well, I have to confess I don't actually pay tax.

At least, hardly ever. Quite right, too. Quite right, too.

All right, come on, kids, come on. Everyone who's hungry, get to the table.

That's right. Just a minute, just a minute. First of all, we must wash our

hands. Oh, yes, come on.

You a house guest, Mr Charlton?

Yes, I suppose I am, really.

Been here long?

Oh, ages.

No.

Since Friday.

Only since Friday.

I'll have everything there.

Mr.

Charlton, I think we should raise a glass to our hostess.

Here, here, here.

Here's to Mars.

To Mars. Cheers, Mars.

This is absolutely superb.

Where did you learn to cook, Mrs Larkin?

At the three cocks at Fordington, General. I can tell you this. Their food

hasn't been the same since she left there.

Well, I can only say that the cock's loss is your gain, Larkin.

It's a gentleman.

In the middle of the back. Go on, in the middle of the back.

She's got a very small gullet, you see, in proportion to the size of her.

That's what it is.

Come on.

Drink some wine. Come on. Have a glass of wine. Go.

Was it... Was it something I said?

Mr. Larkin, have you told the children about the gym corner?

Well, I'll tell them, David. Take it out of my head, gentlemen.

I've got to hold the gym corner in the meditative.

Here.

Don't thank me. You thank the general. It was his idea.

Oh, Mr.

Larkin. Oh, my God.

Mr.

Charlton.

I'm so happy I think I'll kiss you, too.

Oh!

Yay!

Do you want me to be here?

Do you think the world are good?

Stay the week.

Take me sickly.

I'd love to.

But I've got to be back at the office on Monday.

Come on, you can earn yourself 15, 20 quid in no time. All the strawberries

can eat. Perfect idea, Mark.

No.

I could prejudice my chances of promotion, you see.

Prejudice?

I'm afraid I really must be adamant.

Adamant.

I perfectly understand, old man. Perfectly understand.

Good idea, though, Mark.

It was a good idea.

Can you think of anything more perfect, Jim?

God, I don't know how you blokes can turn off this machine. Really, I don't.

Didn't she go?

They don't like people like Bob.

Well, they should.

All of you.

And it does.

What are you thinking about?

All of it.

You, Pop, Ma.

And I didn't think there was such a place.

Why would you come up with this thinking?

I've already explained.

Would you come?

Yes.