Original subtitles

(Music)

My name is Happy Gilmore.

Ever since I was old enough to skate,

I loved hockey.

Wasn't really the greatest skater, though.

But that didn't stop my dad from teaching me the secret

of smacking the greatest slap shot.

My dad worshipped hockey.

My mom didn't.

That's why she moved to Egypt, where there's not a hockey rink

within 1,500 miles.

Dad always took me to games to cheer

for our favorite player, Terry O'Reilly,

"The Tasmanian Devil."

He wasn't the biggest guy in the league,

but he feared nobody, just like me.

Handsome fellow, huh?

He always said that when I grew up

I could be anything I wanted to be.

But I never wanted to be anything but a hockey player.

Yeah, my childhood was going great.

But life is full of surprises.

(Glass breaks) (scream)

After the funeral, I was sent to live

with my grandma in Waterbury.

I was kind of nervous since I really

didn't know her that well.

But she dressed like Gene Simmons from KISS

to cheer me up.

She's the sweetest person in the world.

See, after my dad died, I developed

kind of a short fuse.

That kid right there just stole my party blower

and instead of asking for it back,

I felt I had to belt him in the head a bunch of times

with a hammer. Look at me go.

But most of the time I was quick to say I was sorry.

During high school I played junior hockey

and still hold two league records,

most time spent in a penalty box

and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate

and try to stab somebody.

After I graduated, I had a lot of different jobs.

I was a road worker...

a janitor...

a security guard...

a gas station attendant...

and a plumber.

Lately I've been working construction.

It's not a bad racket.

I'm a pretty good shot with a nail gun.

But one day my boss, Mr. Larson,

got in the way.

Apparently he also has a short fuse.

Look at that monster.

He got a few lucky punches in there.

But I still feel I won the fight.

Anyways, those jobs weren't for me.

I was put on this planet for one reason.

To play hockey.

That's my puck, baby!

Don't you ever touch my puck!

Number 18, is that Gilmore again?

How many times has this guy tried out anyway?

At least ten times.

The guy's got a lot of intensity.

(Grunts)

Not a real strong skater, though.

Ain't the best puck handler either.

Player: Man, which side are you playing for?

(Players chatter)

Coach: Yeah, but, my God...

What a shot.

Damn it, is that goal regulation size or what?

Jeez!

Number 1, number 52, number 16.

They saw my power, man, ain't no way they going

to dog me this year.

Number 9...

and number 43.

The rest of you, if your number wasn't called,

better luck next year.

Oh, hey, coach, what's going on here, man?

What about me?

Gilmore.

Gilmore. I called your number, didn't I?

No, no, no, no you didn't.

Oh.

Well, better luck next year.

Now, that wasn't very nice. - What are you doing?

(Grunting)

You think you're better than me?!

Hey, where you going? I got us Subway.

I already ate.

Ah, well, I went to high school

with a guy that works there, so we got extra meatballs.

Great, I got to run. See you later.

Hey, can you just stick around?

I kind of had a rough day.

Bye. - When are you getting back?

Never.

Terry, wait!

Wait! Hold on a second, babe.

Yeah?

You're not going for good, are you, honey?

You're going nowhere, Happy, and you're taking me with you.

All you ever talk about is being a pro hockey player,

but there's a problem. You're not any good.

I am good. You know what?

You're a lousy kindergarten teacher.

I seen those finger paintings you bring home and they suck!

I'm sorry, babe, I didn't mean that.

I think they're excellent finger paintings.

Please, don't go.

I am not spending the rest of my life with a loser.

I'm gone. - Good.

Then get the hell out of my life.

Who needs you? Beat it, leave me alone!

I'm sorry, babe, I didn't mean that either.

I just yell sometimes because I get so scared.

Scared of being a nobody.

Why don't you just come back upstairs, honey?

I'll give you the old smoochie smoo,

kissy wissy, hmm?

You know Happy's going to make everything okay.

(Moans)

(moans)

♫ I want to kiss you all over ♫

♫ And over and again ♫

♫ I want to kiss you all over ♫

♫ Till the night closes in, till the night closes in ♫

Terry!

(Music) ♪ Till the night closes in

(phone rings)

Yeah?

Huh?

All right, sit tight, I'll be right over.

Hey, you no want breakfast?

(Door closes)

(tires screech)

Grandma?

Grandma?

Hey, put that stuff down. That's my grandmother's.

Cut it out, kid. We're just doing our jobs.

What are you talking about?

Your grandmother hasn't paid her taxes in over a decade.

What?

Grandma, you didn't pay your taxes?

I would have, but I didn't have any money.

Where you taking all her stuff?

I'm not taking her stuff, okay?

The government is.

It's not like I'm taking her stuff

over to my place or something like that, all right?

So don't get mad at me.

But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old.

You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.

I'm sorry. I have no discretion here.

Her stuff is now our stuff.

Well, at least we got the house, right?

I mean, I can bring furniture from my place over here.

We're going to be okay, Grandma.

Now you're really going to be mad.

I have to take the house, too.

No, look, pal,

my grandfather built this house with his bare hands.

My grandma's been here over 60 years.

You can't take her house.

Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS...

$270,000 in back taxes.

Oh, my God. - We have to take the house.

And if you can't get the money together in 90 days,

we're going to have to sell the house to someone else.

You hate me, don't you?

No, no. No. I don't hate you.

Ah!

(Grunts)

He hates me.

Don't worry, Grandma, everything's going

to be all right.

Hey, look at this place.

Silver Acres Rest Home.

Hell, it looks more like a country club

than a nursing home.

Nice grass, nice people.

And I hope you brought your bathing suit.

Oh, Happy.

I'm telling you, this place is perfect.

You're going to make friends in no time.

Mister!

Get me out of here!

Here, just eat that. Leave us alone!

Grandma, you don't got to do this, you know.

You can come live with me.

Nonsense, dear, you're a grown man.

I wouldn't burden you like that.

And that's final.

You tell me, how is that nice girlfriend of yours?

Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.

Oh. - Look, I'm telling you,

I am going to get that $270,000

and we're going to get your house back.

That is a promise. - Oh, sure.

In the meantime, just stay here

and have some fun.

I will, dear. Don't worry.

Oh, pardon me, but it's nap time.

All right, a nap, that sounds nice.

You go. - I love you.

I love you, too, darling. - Okay, bye.

Goodbye.

Hey, buddy.

I want you to do me a favor. You see that lady?

She's very important to me, okay?

Okay. - So I want you to take

extra special care of her.

You know what I'm talking about here?

I can't except that.

But I'll tell you what I can do.

I can take extra special care of that young lady

over there for nothing.

Okay. I appreciate that.

Have a nice afternoon.

Sir, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk?

It helps put me to sleep.

You could trouble me for a warm glass

of shut the hell up.

Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.

Oh, dear.

Hey, bet you I can hit a ball past that tree.

20 bucks says you can't.

Hey, morons.

I told you I want to watch the hockey game.

Now, cut the golf sissy crap and finish up in there.

Relax. Think of it as a way to enjoy

your grandma's possessions for another half hour.

Oh, my God, you got ahold of that one.

I'd like to see you try it.

Yeah, it's not as easy as it looks.

Sorry, ladies, I'm not the golfing type.

Well, I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball,

and we'll go straight back to work

so you can watch your precious hockey game.

Give me the stupid club.

Look at this stupid thing.

This is going to be hilarious.

Look how he's standing.

You like that?

(Glass shattering)

Holy shit!

Go back to work.

That house is, like, 400 yards away.

Is that good? - That's unbelievable.

Beginner's luck.

20 bucks says you can't do it again.

Bring it on.

You boys are going to pay for that!

Ow!

You hit that guy.

He shouldn't have been standing there.

One more time. Double or nothing.

You better pay up.

Oh!

Oops.

All right, maybe we should get back inside.

Hey, you made a bet. Pay the man.

Happy: All right.

Thanks, man. Tell your friends.

Step right up, folks. - He's good.

See if you can outdrive the amazing

golf ball whacker guy.

That's great.

Very good.

Bend those knees.

Remember, now, it's all in the hips.

You're doing great. It's all in the hips.

Happy: All right, 50 bucks, I can hit over the highway.

Any takers? (Crowd chatter)

That's real good.

So long, sucker.

(Laughter)

You're like a freak. How often do you play?

Never. This is my first time.

Hey, you should play in the Waterbury Open tomorrow.

Yeah. - Yeah, all right.

I'll see you guys there.

He's gonna play.

And by God, he's gonna win.

Hey, mister, you got to wear a helmet.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Bring that shit on, man.

Oh, God, I love it.

Awesome!

Oh, God, that hurt a little bit.

I'm all right. - My God, son.

What the hell are you doing?

364 more days till next year's hockey try outs.

I got to toughen up. Yeah!

Oh, God, that felt good. Yeah!

Come on, boy, cut that out. You're making me sick.

Hey!

So you're a hockey player, huh?

Yeah.

You're going to give that shit up.

You're going to concentrate on golf.

Who the hell are you? - I'm the club pro here.

Chubbs Peterson.

And I'm offering to teach you how to play golf personally.

For free.

No.

You have no idea who I am, do you?

No, I don't.

Back in 1965 Sports Illustrated

said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.

Yeah, what happened?

They wouldn't let me play on the pro tour anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry. Because you're black?

Hell no. Damn alligator bit my hand off.

Oh, my God! - Yeah.

Tournament down in Florida.

I hooked my ball in a rough down by the lake.

Damned alligator just popped up.

Cut me down in my prime. He got me.

But I tore one of that bastard's eyes out, though.

Look at that. (Laughs)

You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

I have never seen anyone who could hit that ball

half as far as you can.

You got real talent, kid.

Well, that's nice of you to say, but I've been training

to be a hockey player my whole life.

Golf's no different from hockey.

Requires talent, self-discipline.

Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass.

You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant.

Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.

Hey, I bet your neighbor, the accountant,

can't drive the ball 400 yards.

Bet your neighbor, the accountant,

doesn't have a shot to get on the pro tour.

How would I do that?

You win the open tomorrow, you're automatically

on the pro tour. Then who knows?

Maybe you'll win the tour championship one day.

Get that gold jacket like I never got.

Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

Yeah.

Ho! - Oh!

Don't worry about that.

Made of wood. It's real sturdy.

Oh, boy. Sorry about that.

Look, it was good to meet you.

But, yeah.

So, all right, I'm out of here.

You know, this is not real smart, kid.

I thought you were pro material.

Trying to make the big bucks.

Hey, Chubbs, what kind of big bucks?

Stupid golf clubs. Why the hell am I doing this?

Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or something.

Good morning.

Son, isn't this great?

Blue skies, fresh cut grass, birds chirping?

You going to recite me a poem? Easy.

Jeez, you love this golf stuff, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Figure a guy your size, why didn't you play

a normal sport like football?

Well, my mama wouldn't sign the permission slip.

Thought it might be a little too dangerous.

Oh, yeah, good call.

Hey, who's that?

Oh, the shorter guy on the right, Doug Thompson.

He's the president of the tour.

The other guy, Shooter McGavin,

leading money winner this year.

Hey, who's the girl?

Hi, I'm Virginia Venit, Director of Public Relations

for the tour.

Of course, I've heard you've done some

really interesting things here in public relations.

Really? Because I'm working

on a cross promotional thing right now with some--

Jeez, you know what would be great?

If I could get a Pepsi.

Sure.

Oh, miss? - Yeah?

Diet.

Right.

By the way, thanks for dressing up.

Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like those,

I'd have to kick my own ass.

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Waterbury Open.

Now, before we tee off, I have a very special

treat for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shooter McGavin.

(Crowd applauds)

Thank you.

Thank you, Doug.

You know, I saw Doug play yesterday

and I got to tell you, this guy spends more time

in the sand than David Hasselhoff.

(Crowd laughs)

Let me get a little serious on you.

Now, you're all aware that today's big winner

will be invited to join the pro tour

and I just want you to know that although only one of you

gets to be my colleague, all of you are now my friends.

Thank you. Now, go get 'em.

Next up, Lafferty, Daniel and Gilmore...

Happy.

Hey, where you going with those clubs, punk?

Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy. - Oh, I'm sorry about that.

No, no, no. Let me carry these, all right?

They're my grandfathers. They're pretty old.

Well, what should I do then?

I don't know.

Why don't you just watch me and make sure

I don't do anything stupid, okay?

Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now.

All right, good luck, buddy.

Get out of the way.

Where were you on that one, dipshit?

(Crowd oohs)

(crowd chatters)

(applause)

Spectator: Very nice.

Probably the only good one I'll hit all day, huh?

Yeah. - Mr. Gilmore, you're up.

All right.

(Crowd laughs)

Damn it.

Time.

Relax. Do what we talked about, huh?

Don't even look at the green. Make contact with the ball.

There's no goalie out there to block it.

Remember, it's all in the hips. Hey, hey, it's all in, come on.

Work with me now. It's all in the hips. Yeah.

It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.

Get off of me.

Hey, just easing the tension, baby.

Just easing the tension. - Well, ease it on someone else.

(Crowd chatters)

What the hell?!

Come on, good.

Now we'll just worry about putting, huh?

Oh, yeah, putting.

All right. Remember what I said, huh?

Just use your shoulders to push the ball,

not your arms.

Don't break the wrist and bring that putter back

just like-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're confusing me.

Just let me put the ball in the hole.

All right.

(Crowd oohs)

Is this guy kidding?

(Crowd laughs and chatters)

This is pathetic.

Yeah! - There you go. Good shot.

It's about time. - Hey, it is about time.

I mean, I just couldn't get the ball in the hole.

I wanted to, but I just couldn't do it.

Hey! What are you doing?

(Crowd gasps)

Yes, sir.

(Crowd gasping)

He shoots, he scores!

Oh, man, that was so much easier than putting.

I should just try to get the ball-in-one shot every time.

Good plan. (Chuckles)

Did you see that? - Yes. Nice shot.

He just got a hole in one on a par four.

I know. I just said I saw it.

Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream.

I mean, a guy who can drive the ball that far,

oh, he can really draw a crowd.

You know what else could draw a crowd?

A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.

♫ Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin ♫

♫ I came to win, battle me that's a sin ♫

♫ I won't tear the sack up, punk you'd better back up ♫

♫ Try and play the role and the whole crew will act up ♫

♫ Get up, stand up, come on, throw your hands up ♫

Yeah!

♫ Mugs is a funk fest, someone's talking junk ♫

♫ Yo, I'll bust them in the eye ♫

♫ And then I'll take the punks home ♫

♫ Feel it, funk it, amps in the trunk ♫

♫ And I got more rhymes than there's cops ♫

♫ At a Dunkin Donuts shop ♫

♫ Sure enough I got props from kids on the Hill ♫

♫ Plus my mom and my pops ♫

♫ I came to get down, I came to get down ♫

♫ So get out your seat and jump around ♫

♫ Jump around ♫

♫ Jump around ♫

♫ Jump around ♫

♫ Jump up, jump up and get down ♫

♫ Jump, jump, jump, jump ♫

♫ Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump ♫

All right, now, you make this one

in four or less shots, you win the tournament.

Four shots.

Just think of it this way.

Other team has pulled their goalie,

it's wide open,

all you got to do is tap it in.

I can do that.

(Crowd groans)

Don't worry about it. You're still in good shape.

All you got to do is just tap it in,

just tap it in now.

Hey. Just tap it in.

(Crowd groans)

Just tap it in. Just tap it in,

Give it a little tappy. Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.

Grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma.

All right, yeah!

♫ Oh, ho, ho, it's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ It's magic ♫

He's going to be on the tour. That's super.

Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cute.

Mr. Gilmore. Virginia Venit.

Hi, I'm PR director for the tour.

Hi, nice to meet you.

I just wanted to say welcome and congratulations.

I saw that hole in one on a par four.

That's got to be some kind of record, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, I got a hockey record.

I took my skate off and tried to stab somebody.

I'm the only guy who ever did that.

That's wonderful.

I'm a little bit bummed, though, you know,

I thought we were going to get some money for this.

Oh, well, cheer up.

Next week in Portland, the winner takes home $216,000.

Whoa. How about the guy who comes in last place?

Um... $2,400.

All right. So, no matter what I'm going to get some money.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'll see you next week then.

All right, bye. - Bye-bye.

Hey, man, I hate to admit this but this is my first trophy.

Only problem is that goofy golf guy on top.

Maybe the guy at the trophy store

could put a little hockey guy on there.

Happy, shut your trap. - All right.

I got to admit, you were great out there today.

Thank you. - But you weren't that great.

Lot of that was luck. - Well, some might call it luck.

I like to call it...

well, luck, I guess. So what?

So, I want you to put off joining

the pro tour for a while.

We've got a lot of work to do before you go out there

and compete with those real professionals.

Forget it, Chubbs, I learned a lot today.

I'll just pick up the rest as I go along.

Stop being a damn fool.

People would kill to be able to hit the long ball like you.

You got an advantage over any man that

walks out onto the tee.

All we need to do is develop the rest of your game.

Then you'd be unstoppable, son.

You're probably right, but I just can't wait.

I need money.

That's spoken like a true asshole.

Look, just give me six months. I'll work with you every day.

No, no, no, I got to go. I appreciate everything.

Wish me luck. (Grunts)

Best of luck, kid. Best of luck.

Marty, if you'd stop yapping your trap

for a second I could tell you. The price is $200 per quilt.

Yeah, well, this is handmade quality shit we're talking here.

Yes, well, when do you need them by?

All right.

Good doing business with you.

Okay, listen up everybody. Turn up your volumes.

Announcement. I got good news.

We're extending arts and crafts time

by four hours today.

My fingers hurt.

What's that?

My fingers hurt.

Oh, well, now your back's going to hurt

because you just pulled landscaping duty.

Anybody else's fingers hurt?

I didn't think so.

Why do you do that to me, huh?

Why do you make me act like that in front of everybody, huh?

Mr. Gilmore.

Hey, toidy's straight down to the right, dear.

How's my grandma? - Oh, she's super.

We're just enjoying some arts and craft's time right now.

Grandma's quite a quilter.

Hey.

Wow, that's a tremendous looking trophy.

Happy. - Ah.

I'm so glad to see you.

I'm glad to see you, too, grandma.

I've been thinking about you all the time.

Looks like everybody's having fun here, huh?

Grandma, good news, I made the professional golfer's tour.

That's lovely, dear. - Yeah, it is lovely.

You know what else is lovely?

If I can figure out a way to beat those other guys,

we're going to get the house back.

Oh, thank God.

I can't stand to live in this place another minute.

What are you talking about? I thought you like it here.

That orderly guy seems very nice.

Don't you like him?

Oh, I do, I do. It's just, well,

the air conditioner's broke and I'm getting a little warm.

Well, just let the kid fix it for you.

All right, you got the little twisty knobs.

That ain't doing it. All right.

(Woman screams)

Mister! Mister!

Get this off of me. Mister!

Hang on, I'll be right down.

You know that "mister, mister" lady?

I think I just killed her.

♫ Carry on my wayward son ♫

♫ There'll be peace when you are done ♫

♫ Lay your weary head to rest ♫

♫ Don't you cry no more ♫

What'd you expect? Norman spends more time

in the sand than David Hasselhoff.

Whoo! Come on, that's funny.

Yeah, it was funny the first time I heard it.

Oh, drink up, would you?

Hey, anybody tap the keg yet? I'll pump. Right?

I'm Happy Gilmore. What's up?

Hey, Happy, Mark Lye, welcome to the tour.

Thanks. - Yeah.

I heard about that ace you had on that par four.

Man, that's impressive. - You heard about that?

Yeah. - That's cool.

That's a nice jacket. - Yeah, it is, isn't it?

They give you one if you win the tour championship.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

It's only the biggest tournament of the year.

Oh, really? - Yeah.

Where's yours? - That's good.

That's a good one. He's a funny guy.

Well, I'll have mine in what, three months, guys?

Yeah. Not if I have anything to do with it you won't.

Whoa, look out.

You better look out, boys.

Hey, if you're not doing anything later,

why don't you join us at 9:00 on the ninth green?

What happens there? - That's a secret of the pros.

All right, cool. Thanks, man. All right, I'm out of here.

I hear that Asteroids machine calling my name

from the game room. So, peace.

Oh, and Happy, dress nice, huh?

Oh, all right, all right.

Almost 9:00.

Hey, public relations lady, you see Shooter McGavin around?

No, why?

Oh, I just need to beat the living piss out of him.

Wait, let me guess, the old ninth green

at 9:00 trick, huh?

It would appear so, now, wouldn't it?

You're right. He does deserve a beating.

But if you beat him up tonight, I've got to get up

in the morning and explain to the papers

why the new guy on the tour beat up Shooter McGavin.

So, you see, you'd really be making more work for me.

Oh, I wouldn't want to do that.

Listen, don't worry about Shooter.

He's just threatened by you.

He's worried you're going to steal some of his thunder.

Well, that's nice of you to say.

So, all right, I'm going to go change now.

Okay.

Hey, my girlfriend's dead, you know.

She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Really? I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

You know, you should get some sleep, Gilmore.

Tomorrow's a big day.

You're right, it is.

(Water squishing)

Hello, everybody, I'm Verne Lundquist

along with Jack Beard.

Looks like we're going to have a nice crowd here

on this sunsational April morning of the 22nd annual

AT&T Invitational.

The field includes a group of elite golfers

from around the world, the favorite has to be

Shooter McGavin. He's won three of the last four.

Hey. Thanks, man.

Hey, hey, hey. - Here's my last buck.

This the last time I'm going to tell you.

Oh, come on. He's just trying

to make some money. Leave him alone.

Shooter: I tell you, I don't know what it is about

this big winning streak I'm on.

I'm in the zone. What can I say?

The hole just seems to get bigger.

So how does it feel to be the favorite, Shooter?

Well, I certainly don't think I'm the favorite.

With the great players here today

it's really anyone's tournament.

I'm just trying to do the best I can out there.

I tell you the real winner today is the city of Portland.

Every time I come here it gets harder to leave.

I think you guys put something in the water.

Excuse me, I got to go play little golf.

Good luck. - Thanks.

Hey, I'm a hockey player but I'm playing golf today.

Name? - Happy Gilmore.

Oh, the guy with the long drive.

What's your caddy's name?

Oh, you guys haven't given me one yet.

Well, on the pro tour you provide your own caddy.

Really? Ooh.

All right.

Hey, easy with those clubs, all right?

They're antiques.

Gary Potter, great to have you on the tour, Happy.

I feel a lot of solid energy coming out of you.

Good, positive aura. Great. Great. It's all great.

Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, man.

Is it always like this with the TV cameras

and the people and stuff?

Oh, yeah, lot of pressure. You got to rise above it.

You got to harness in the good energy,

block out the bad. Harness energy, block bad.

Feel the flow, Happy. Feel it.

It's circular. It's like a carousel.

You pay the quarter, you get on the horse,

it goes up and down and around, circular, circle.

With the music, the flow, all good things.

Yeah, all right, well, great. Thanks a lot.

Nice to meet you, man.

Psycho.

Next to tee off, Happy Gilmore.

All right, give me a club.

I'll get it.

Fu-- (bleep) this sh-- (bleep).

Fu-- (bleep) me in the fu-- (bleep) ass.

I'll kill you (bleep), stupid (bleep)

monkey (bleep) licking (bleep).

(Bleep) that. (Crowd gasping)

Sorry.

Psycho.

(Applause)

What a shot by Happy Gilmore. Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?

(Muttering) I don't know.

Oh, yeah! Woo-hoo!

I got it!

Woo!

You like that, baby?

Plenty more where that came from. Yeah!

Get Virginia Venit in here immediately.

I think you should use a five iron.

You think so? Give me my wedge.

Ha! (Imitates gun shot)

(applause)

Five iron, huh? Well, you're fired.

Bye-bye.

♫ Wooly bully ♫

♫ Wooly bully, wooly bully ♫

♫ Wooly bully ♫

Yee haw! Yee haw!

What are you doing, Happy? Riding a bull?

Happy: Yeah.

You're acting like a damn fool!

Woo! - Yipee!

(Howls)

Doing the bull dance. Feeling the flow.

Working it. Working it.

On the 18th green, Shooter McGavin

is putting for the win.

Maybe it's just me but his crowd

seems unusually small for this type of moment.

(Applause)

Verne: I think most people have found their way

over to Happy Gilmore.

He's been the talk of the course today

with his huge drives and his amazingly

bizarre behavior.

He's on the 17th green right now having a little trouble

closing out his day.

Happy, the ball itself has its own energy

or life force, if you will.

Its natural environment is in the hole.

So why don't you send him home?

His bags are packed. He's got his airplane tickets.

Bring him to the airport.

Send him home.

Send him home.

Just send him home.

Time to go home there, ball.

(Crowd groans)

You son-of-a-bitch ball. Why didn't you just go home?!

That's your home!

Are you too good for your home?!

Answer me!

Suck my white ass, ball!

(Crowd gasping)

Happy: (yelling) - Virginia, put out

a press release concerning Happy Gilmore

being thrown off the tour.

I want to see a draft by 6:00 P.M.

You're right. He was out of line.

His behavior is completely unacceptable.

But you know, golf has been waiting for a player like this.

A colorful, emotional, working-class hero.

I will not tolerate behavior like this.

Gilmore is gone.

I just got a call from the Dallas Open.

Their phones have been ringing off the hook

with people who want to see Happy.

They just sold out. - Already?

I know, he's a little rough around the edges,

but let me work with him.

Happy: Piece of monkey (bleep).

Okay. Fine.

But he's your responsibility.

If he cleans up his act, he can stay.

If he doesn't, it's your ass.

And anymore of this...

Happy: (bleep).

There, you fu-- (bleep) mother (bleep).

And he's gone.

Happy: You pu-- (bleep). You (bleep) bitch. (Bleep)

Fu-- you!

Reporter: Whoa.

Shooter, Shooter, Shooter.

What do you think of Happy Gilmore?

I didn't get a chance to see him play.

I was too busy winning.

You got to admit, that's a hell of a drive.

450 yards, huh?

Yeah, how'd he finish again?

Dead last?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He had a good day, though.

Thanks.

Is it true that he made a 450-yard hole-in-one?

Hey, where's my check?

We'll be mailing them out next week, sir.

Oh, no, no. I want mine now.

I don't have any checks to give.

Well, that guy got one, right? Give me one of them big ones.

I don't care.

Hiya pal, how about a beer?

Hey, put that on my tab.

That was quite a show you put on today, Gilmore.

You were the talk of the tournament.

Wow, thanks a lot.

Yeah, well, you really crushed that ball

at the tee, I'll tell you what.

You know, you'd be something on one of those

long drive contests.

You'd probably make a very good living

traveling around, hustling at driving ranges.

Thanks, Phil. - That's, that's, that's...

you know, I know what you're doing right now

and I don't like it.

So why don't you just shut your trap

before I put my foot in it?

Don't turn your back on me.

Let's get one thing straight. This is Shooter's tour.

I've worked hard my whole life, paid my dues,

and now it's Shooter's turn.

And Shooter's not about to let his reign at the top

be spoiled by some freak sideshow clown.

Did you just call me a freak?

I was on this tour for one reason, money.

But now I got a new reason. Kicking your ass.

Well, I'd like to see you try.

Let's do it then.

Hey. I meant on a golf course.

Hey! Hey, what's going on here, huh?

Oh, I was just looking for the other half

of this bottle, and oh, there's some of it.

There's some right there, too.

Why don't you just put it down?

Yeah, I know.

Just stay out of my way. Or you'll pay.

Listen to what I say.

How about I just go eat some hay?

I could make things out of clay and lay by the bay, I just may.

What do you say?

You better calm down or you're going

to get kicked off this tour.

That can't happen.

Yes, it can happen and I don't want it to happen.

You could be a big star on the tour.

I don't want to be a big star. I want to make some money.

Well, you're not going to be around long to make money

unless you start behaving.

All right, take it easy. What do you mean my behaving?

I mean, no swearing, no throwing clubs,

and especially no hitting other players.

Oh, good. You mean no fun?

No, no, no. No, you can have fun

and that's why I think people are going to come to see you.

But you've got to keep it within reason.

All right, I will work on what you call behaving,

but I ain't going to act like a stiff out there.

Fine. Thank you.

Hey...

what are you doing tonight? You want to get some food?

Oh, no thanks. I don't date golfers.

Oh, good. Because I'm a hockey player.

Just behave, okay?

Verne: Happy Gilmore makes his way to the tee

in the 72nd annual Cleveland Classic.

Hey! Happy Gilmore! Drive it 400 yards!

Oh, my God, man, I can't believe I have fans.

I've been waiting my whole life for that.

Uh-oh.

Hey, don't be alarmed, Mr. Gilmore.

I know we had our problems, but I'm truly proud of you.

Hey, thanks a lot, Mr. Larson.

It's good to see you again. How's that thing feeling?

Oh, terrific. The nail comes out next week.

Well, you can hardly even notice it.

Let's make a little noise here, huh?

Come on. I can't hear you.

(Cheering)

Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter?

That's not possible, sir. - I beg to differ.

Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.

Well, moron. Good for Happy Gilmo--oh my God!

Oh, my God.

Come on. Mr. Larson: Hey, Shooter!

Haven't you forgotten your nine iron?

(Laughs)

Quite a large and economically diverse crowd

here at the Michelob Invitational.

I guess it's the new tour sensation Happy Gilmore.

He's attracting all sorts of people to this beautiful course.

Jack, I think I even saw one guy wearing

one of those beer dispensing plastic helmets.

(Horns blowing)

(crowd boos)

Damn you, people. Go back to your shanties.

This is a biggie, pal.

Time's ticking away. I got to make some real money.

Now, what do you think? Slightly downhill?

And slanting left. - No, no.

It just seems that way because you only got one shoe on.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah! (Cheering)

Hey, what's up?

Hi.

You got the ball?

Verne: Happy Gilmore from nine feet.

Uh-oh, here comes the putter throw.

Wait. He's restrained himself. Maybe this a new Happy Gilmore.

Another tournament in Dallas and another

Shooter McGavin victory.

He's now won here three years in a row.

That son of a bitch!

Give me my ball!

Give it here! (Growls)

Cough it up, you dirty bastard.

I swear to God I'll rip it out of you.

Give me the--

Give me the ball, alligator.

You've got one eye.

Chubbs.

You took his hand.

Yeah, baby.

(Crowd gasping)

That Happy Gilmore, he's a real crack-up, isn't he?

I mean, he's a hoot, man.

He's bringing in some big crowds.

Yeah.

You know, what was great today one of his fans mooned me

and had "Happy" written on his ass.

H-A on the one cheek and then, sure enough,

P-P-Y right there on the other.

I think it's great what he's doing for the sport.

Well, yeah, I'm beginning to come around.

Yeah, everyone seems to be coming around.

Well, I'm not, Doug!

This man is destroying golf.

I saw two big fat naked bikers in the woods off 17 having sex.

How am I supposed to chip with that going on, Doug?

You've got to kick him off the tour.

He's not breaking any rules and until he does--

But he's a disgrace to the game.

You may be right but our ratings are up

and we're attracting new youthful sponsors.

I'm sorry, Shooter.

There's nothing I can do.

Well, I guess I'll have to take care of this myself.

Grandma, I came in ninth place.

I won $35,000.

So we'll get the house back?

As long as I don't come in last place

in the next two tournaments, we'll get the money in time.

Oh, that's wonderful, Happy. - I love you Grandma. Bye.

Goodbye, darling.

Hey, Virginia.

You know, we should go on that date.

I've been pretty good lately. - Oh, really?

Well, what is this I hear about you breaking a rake

and throwing it into the woods? - What? I didn't break it.

I was just testing its durability

and then I placed it in the woods

because it's made of wood and I just thought

it should be with his family. - Uh-huh.

At least I didn't punch anybody.

All right. Okay. We'll go on a date.

But just as friends, all right?

Yeah, just as friends. Slow down.

I don't want to be more than friends.

I just met you. Woo!

Fit you okay?

Yeah, I haven't skated since I was a kid, so...

Hey, pal, can we get a little time here?

For Happy Gilmore, anything. - Thanks.

You used to play ice hockey? - Shut up.

Oh, my God, power failure. It's getting very scary in here.

Did you set this up? - No.

♫ My endless love ♫

I thought we were going to be just friends.

♫ Two hearts ♫

What? Friends listen to "Endless Love" in the dark.

♫ Two hearts that beat as one ♫

♫ Our love has just begun ♫

♫ Forever, forever ♫

This song reminds me of seventh grade.

This song reminds me of my grandmother.

That's kind of weird.

Well, she took me to see this movie.

I, like, had the biggest crush on Brooke Shields.

Really? - Yeah.

And my grandmother told me

I should write her a letter, you know?

So I did and I got a letter back from Brooke,

like, two weeks later.

But it was in my grandmother's handwriting.

Your grandma sounds sweet.

She is sweet.

And that's why I feel so terrible.

Why?

Oh, no, no, forget it.

No, no, it's okay, you can tell me.

Just she's stuck in a damn nursing home.

The IRS repossessed her house.

That's awful.

That's why I joined the tour.

And I'm pretty close to getting her house back.

But, look, don't tell anybody about this.

I'm kind of embarrassed.

Don't worry. I won't tell anybody.

Hey.

I'll make you a bet.

Do you always carry a puck around?

Yeah.

All right, now, if you get that puck

in that net over there, I'll never bother you again.

But if you miss, you got to give me

a big fat kiss and you got to pretend

that you like it, too.

Really?

Good luck.

♫ I'll be a fool ♫

♫ For you ♫

♫ I'm sure ♫

Holy shit.

Talk about your all-time backfires.

Happy...

I didn't see it go in.

♫ No one can deny ♫

♫ This love I have inside ♫

♫ I'll give it all to you ♫

♫ My love, my love ♫

♫ My love ♫

♫ My endless love ♫

Announcer: Welcome to soggy San Francisco,

the site of this year's Pepsi Pro Am.

How you doing, Happy? I'm Bob Barker.

Wow. What an honor. Nice to meet you.

Looks like you and I are going to be

playing together today.

That's funny. Who am I really playing with?

This is a Pro-Am, Happy.

Each golfer is playing with a celebrity.

Wow.

You know, Nick Faldo and I won this thing last year.

And I'd like to win it again this year.

All right, I'll do my best.

Hey, Gilmore.

You suck, you jackass.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

I'd love to punch that guy in the face right now

but I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble.

I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal."

It's "The Price Is Right," Happy.

Oh yeah, sorry.

It happens. Let's play some golf.

Okay.

Heckler: Jackass.

Whoa.

The club went further than the ball.

What the hell was that all about?

It's just that, you know, it's rainy

and that guy and it just slipped.

Heckler: You're going to need a blanket and suntan lotion

because you're never going to get off that beach

just the way you never got into the NHL, you jackass.

Whoa.

The green's that way. You're...

You will not make this putt, you jackass.

(Laughing)

Nice shooting, soldier. (Laughs)

All right, Happy.

Nice and easy.

(Heckler laughs) (crowd groans)

That was not nice and easy.

That guy's driving me crazy.

You know what's driving me crazy?

You not getting the ball in the hole.

Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time.

Heckler: Jackass!

(Grunts)

This guy sucks.

We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly

since his first day on tour.

He and Bob Barker are now dead last.

I can't believe you're a professional golfer.

I think you should be working at the snack bar.

You better relax, Bob.

There is no way that you could have been this bad

at hockey as you are at golf.

All right, let's go.

Do you like that, old man? You want a piece of me?

I don't want a piece of you. I want the whole thing.

Now you're going to get it, Bobby.

Spectator: Happy!

The price is wrong, bitch.

I think you've had enough.

No?

Now you've had enough.

Bitch.

Wow. That couldn't have gone any better.

Instead of hitting you, he hits Bob Barker.

Perfect. - Good, huh?

So I'll see you at the next tournament, right?

Oh, no. That won't be necessary.

This was on national TV. Gilmore is gone.

Well, look, let's get something to eat.

There's a Red Lobster nearby. My treat.

Maybe some other time.

Shooter, I thought we were going to be friends.

Oh, we're friends. We are. I just got to go.

Okay. Well, I'll be at the Red Lobster

in case you change your mind, Shooter.

God bless!

Oh, there you are.

Hey, Happy Gilmore. Come on down.

Thank you, Shooter. Sit down, Mr. Gilmore.

So you had a fight with a game show host on national TV.

I don't consider that entertainment.

This is not hockey, Mr. Gilmore,

no matter how much you want it to be.

I know that. And I'm sorry, okay?

But it wasn't my fault. There was some guy out there

giving me crap and it took every ounce

of my energy not to hit him.

So you decided to head-butt Bob Barker?

Oh, who won that fight anyway? - That's enough, Shooter.

Now, the board has taken the following action.

You'll be fined $25,000 and suspended for one month.

Suspended? - Suspended? I got to play.

Doug, kick him off the tour.

Well, the board thinks that that might be extreme

considering the fact that our ratings were

the highest that we've ever had.

Doug, look, my grandmother's house got repossessed.

If I can't make some prize money in that next tournament

they could sell it to somebody else.

Well, whoopty-do.

Get out.

I don't want to hear it. It's over.

My grandmother's never going to see her house again.

Yeah, but you've made a lot of money.

You could get her a really nice condo.

My grandfather didn't build any condos with his bare hands.

Damn it. I hate that Bob Barker.

Okay. There has got to be another way to get the $50,000.

I don't want to talk about it anymore, all right?

I failed, okay?

Let me just sit here and enjoy the one thing that

makes me a little bit happy, this fresh, delicious,

tasty, meaty, turkey-filled...

cold cut combo.

I eat three every day to help keep me strong.

Hey, Happy, can I have one of those?

Coming right up.

Talk about a hole in one.

Announcer: Subway sandwiches will drive away your hunger.

What do you think, Grandma Gilmore?

I love it. And he looks so handsome.

Aw. - And it makes me hungry.

Oh, really? Well, they gave me this card.

It gives us free Subway for life.

Oh, that's lovely, dear.

Lovely. You know what else is lovely?

That commercial put us up to $275,000.

Let's go get your house back. - Oh, Happy.

What the hell?

Hey. Hey!

What's going on here?

I'm glad you made it. This is very exciting.

We're going to auction off your grandmother's house.

Hey, hold it. You said if we get the money

by today we could buy the house back.

Right, you can buy the house back.

Bidding will start at $100,000.

100, do I hear the 100?

This is the exciting part. Have fun.

Who are these people? What's going on, Happy?

175. Thank you. And a two. Two now.

Oh, my God, they're auctioning off the house.

No, no, no. This could be good.

We'll get the house back cheaper than we thought.

250 and 225. Thank you, 50, I have.

Maybe not. 275!

I have 275. New bidder in the middle.

Three now. Three, 350 down front. 375.

I have 350 down front. 75, 75 anywhere?

At 350,000 down front.

Sold. Gentleman with the white sweater.

What just happened, Happy?

Go wait in the car, Grandma.

Hey!

What the hell is the matter with you?

Well, real estate speculation is a hobby of mine.

Now, you lay another finger on me, I burn the house down

and piss on the ashes.

What do you want for it, Shooter?

You know what I want.

You off the tour.

Quit and the house is yours.

Fine, I quit. - Oh no, he doesn't.

Happy, I need to talk to you.

What, he's a jerk. But he's right.

I don't belong in this sport. I'm a hockey player.

Oh, really? What team do you play for?

Easy. - Face it, Happy.

You are a golfer.

Look, I did this so I could get Grandma's house back.

Now I can. No regrets.

What do you think Grandma wants more?

To get her house back or to see her grandson succeed?

Yeah, maybe there's a way she can have both.

Hey, Shooter. - Yeah.

Tour championship's next week, right?

That's right.

If I beat you, I get the house back.

You beat me, I'll quit.

You're going to beat me? At golf?

(Laughing)

Oh, you're on.

You're in big trouble, though, pal.

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

No.

That was great.

I know you are going to kick his ass.

Yeah, well, that makes one of us.

All right, look, take care of Grandma.

I can walk from here. - Wait, where are you going?

I got to learn how to play golf.

I'm stupid, you're smart.

I was wrong, you were right.

You're the best, I'm the worst.

You're very good looking, I'm not attractive.

All right, as long as you're willing to admit that.

Now, are you ready to get down to business and do exactly

what I tell you to do? - Believe me, I'm ready.

Then let's get to work. - All right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here.

Here's your pinky.

(Laughing)

Hey, Happy Land, just like me.

Don't get excited yet. I've been here before.

Oh, this is embarrassing. I'm a professional golfer,

for God's sake.

No, it's your short game that's embarrassing.

Come on, let's go.

(Brakes screeching) (car crashes)

♫ It's time for a happy day ♫

♫ I said it's time for a happy day ♫

♫ It's time for a happy day ♫

Okay, this time just line up your putt.

Don't even look at the hole, huh?

Aim for a spot six inches in front of the hole.

Line up a spot six inches in front of the hole.

Okay. Six inches. - Yes.

♫ Let's take today for fun, happy day ♫

♫ Good times for everyone ♫

♫ Let's take today for fun ♫

♫ Good times for everyone ♫

♫ Let's take today for fun, happy day ♫

♫ Good times for everyone ♫

♫ Let's take today for fun ♫

♫ Good times for everyone ♫

♫ Let's take today for fun, happy day ♫

All right. This one's very tough.

(Laughing)

Ha, ha, ha. He's laughing. He's having a good time.

Good for you, yeah. Laugh it up. Enjoy your night.

Ha, ha, ha. - Come on, Happy, concentrate.

(Laughing)

I hate that clown.

Easy.

If you can't beat the clown,

how you going to beat Shooter McGavin?

Yeah!

(Laughing) You're going to die, clown!

You think that's funny? I don't hear you laughing now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Enough, enough.

What? I can't do it!

Come with me, Happy. Come on!

You suck, you stupid clown. - Come on.

Remember, now, this isn't hockey.

You don't play with raw emotion. You can't putt angry.

You have to clear your mind of everything else

and stay focused.

Now, how the hell am I going to do that?

Think of a place that's really perfect.

Your own happy place.

Go there and all your anger will just disappear.

Then putt.

Happy place.

Happy place. Your happy place.

Now, how do you feel?

Better. - Now, putt.

Yeah! - Yeah!

Your happy place.

♫ Good times for everyone ♫

♫ Let's take today for fun ♫

♫ Happy day ♫

You really took some giant steps out there tonight.

I'm really proud of you.

Thanks.

So, here.

Got something really special for you here.

Oh, wow. Thanks. - See that?

That is the same putter I used when I played.

Slightly modified of course. - Man, this is excellent.

Oh, you got the spirit of a hockey player in you, Happy.

So I figured why fight it, huh?

Oh, I got something for you, too, pal.

What?

Yeah, I mean, I figured if it wasn't for you,

none of this would have happened, right?

So I want to show my appreciation.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, this looks nice. What is it?

Open it up.

Oh, man.

Remember the gator that got your hand?

I got his head.

Chubbs!

Chubbs!

(Body hits ground) (wooden hand bouncing)

First my dad and now Chubbs.

Anybody I get close to dies.

If I were you, I'd run.

No, no, you can't blame yourself for this.

I guess that alligator finally finished the job, huh?

I'm going to miss you, pal.

I don't know how the hell I'm going to play today.

Look, just remember everything that he taught you.

Congratulations, murderer.

You killed a golf legend.

Beat it, McGavin. - You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to dedicate my performance

at the tour championship to Chubb's memory.

To hell with that. I'm playing for Chubbs.

Nuh-uh, I called it first. - You--

Hey, hey, hey. You want to beat him?

Beat him on the course.

That's right. I'm going to beat your ass

on the course. - Yeah, right.

Grizzly Adams had a beard.

Grizzly Adams did have a beard.

Verne Lundquist: The golfers of the tour championship

are ready to hit the links.

There may be 63 professionals vying for the title

of world's best, but in the minds

of the spectators, there are really only two.

Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin and bad boy Happy Gilmore

fresh off his recent suspension.

And wouldn't you know it, they've been paired together.

I've got some very interesting interior design ideas

for Grandma's house.

You know that bedroom at the top of the stairs?

Yeah. That was my room.

I think I'm turning that into my trophy room.

It's perfect.

(Applause)

Just may not be big enough.

All right.

(Cheering)

You know what the pathetic thing is?

You've been playing golf your whole life.

Let me show you how we do it in the pros.

(Applause)

Jeez, that's got to hurt.

(Cheering) - Ooh.

Happy learned how to putt. Uh-oh.

Here's a free lesson.

(Applause)

Can't learn that in a hockey rink.

(Crowd chatter)

(cheering)

Somebody's closer.

After one day, Shooter McGavin is in the lead.

But the big surprise is young Happy Gilmore

nipping at his heels and trailing by only one stroke.

Shooter from the sand playing like he really

wants that jacket.

Happy Gilmore answers right back with a birdie.

(Cheering)

Happy with a long eagle opportunity.

It's good!

And Shooter can't believe it.

He is now tied with Happy Gilmore.

Uh-oh, a little too much zip on that one.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

No!

(Cheering)

I didn't see it. Did that go in?

Because I wasn't watching. Did it go in the hole?

I wasn't watching.

I know I saw it go up. Did it come back in?

All right.

At the end of the third day, Happy Gilmore has taken the lead

and Jack, one can't help but be impressed

with the vast improvement in his short game.

Hey, Donald. Shooter.

Shooter! Hey, it's great to hear from you.

Do you want to go to the Sizzler and get some grub?

No thanks, pal, not hungry.

Listen, this call's about business.

I need you here in the morning.

Well, it's the final day of the tour championship

and it's shaping up to be quite a classic.

Happy Gilmore leads the pack.

Could there be a changing of the guard?

We'll know in 18 short holes.

(Crowd cheers)

Oh, Happy is really on today.

Fan 1: Happy, New Jersey loves you!

Fan 2: Pittsburgh loves you!

Fan 3: My sister loves you!

There he is. That worm.

Happy, look out! Oh!

Happy. Happy, you okay? - Volkswagen.

Jackass!

Oh, my God.

(Laughs) Jackass! - There he is.

You're a little banged up, but no serious injuries.

Just keep off your feet for a few days.

To hell with that. I got to finish up.

Fine. Do whatever you like.

What would I know? I'm just a doctor.

Hey, you going to be all right?

I'm fine.

Happy, there is no shame in throwing in the towel.

When it comes to your health you can't be too cautious.

Let's just play some golf.

Verne: I knew Happy Gilmore was tough, but I can't believe

he's going to keep playing after being hit by that car.

Let's hope it doesn't affect his game.

Ah! My shoulder.

Verne: Oh my. That's the first time

he's failed to outdrive Shooter McGavin.

Well, well, well. Happy Gilmore

is human after all.

Happy Gilmore is in big trouble, Jack.

He's lost the power to hit the long ball.

If he's going to have any chance of winning today

he's got to get it done on the green.

Oh. He's really got to focus now.

He's got to save this one for par.

Oh, my!

That bogie drops him out of the lead.

If he wants to stay in this thing,

he has to calm down and sink some putts.

(Crowd groans)

Don't worry about your grandma, Gilmore.

She can live with me. Be my maid.

Verne: Look at the cabbage he's in now.

Things just keep getting worse for Happy Gilmore.

All right. Just remember what Chubb's said.

Go to a happy place. Go to a happy place.

Oh!

God!

(Crowd groaning)

Verne: Oh, this looks like the end for Happy Gilmore.

Shooter now has a commanding lead.

(Crowd groans)

(crowd chatter)

Happy. Happy, look who's here.

Grandma.

Happy, you look upset. What's wrong?

I don't know what to say. I stink. I'm not going to win.

That's all right, sweetheart. A house isn't important.

It's just a house.

Stop fraternizing with the help, Gilmore.

Just hit your ball if you can find it.

Hi, Grandma!

Forget him.

I just want you to be happy, darling.

All right, Grandma.

Grandma wants me to be happy.

Shut up, Happy. Don't feel bad about me.

I got my hand back. See?

♫ We've only just begun ♫

♫ To live ♫

♫ White lace and promises ♫

♫ A kiss for luck and we're on our way ♫

(cheering)

It ain't over yet, McGavin.

The way I see it, we've only just begun.

Happy, the gold jacket's yours.

Shooter's going to choke!

Unbelievable.

Damn you, people! This is golf!

Not a rock concert!

(Crowd booing)

Putt!

Yeah!

Ooh!

(Yodels)

Happy...

rules!

Happy Gilmore has really charged in the back nine.

He's now dead even with Shooter McGavin.

And if Shooter doesn't get himself

out of his current funk he's in, he may yet again

miss out on the gold jacket.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 18th hole is a par three,

160 yards.

In the event of a tie there will be a sudden death playoff.

Mr. Gilmore, you have the honors.

No matter what, I got to admit, I'm having fun.

Happy Gilmore, you're starting to sound like a golfer.

I know. Keep it down.

Verne: Oh, nice shot. Right at the pin.

15 feet short of the hole.

(Crowd laughs)

Verne: Shooter's ball is in the woods

and Happy is on the 18th green, where earlier a car

driven by a crazed fan rammed the TV tower.

Excuse me. I just got to get through.

I'm looking for my ball. This is golf, okay?

Excuse me. Thank you. Thank you.

Is this your ball?

Yes, it is.

It struck my foot.

Doug! Doug.

Can I get a drop?

Oh, the rule says play it as it lies.

(Crowd oohs)

That's two thus far, Shooter.

Oh, you can count. Good for you.

And you can count on me waiting for you

in the parking lot.

(Crowd oohs)

Spectator: Run, Shooter. Run for your life.

(Applause)

Looks like you're still away.

Yeah, I'm aware of that. Thank you.

Man, I can't see. - Up there.

Verne: Shooter needs this to keep the pressure on Gilmore.

If he misses, Happy can two-putt his way to victory.

Get in that hole.

Yes!

Choke on that, baby!

Ba-boom!

Yes!

Shooter!

Verne: If Gilmore can sink this, it will cap an amazing comeback.

(Metal creaking)

(screaming)

Great, now I have a stinking tower

blocking my ball.

Don't worry about it. We'll get this cleaned up

and you'll finish tomorrow, right, Doug?

No, no, he has to hit it now.

He has to play the ball as it lies.

No. I did it off Frankenstein's fat foot, remember?

Those are the rules. I didn't write them.

I'm afraid he's right. Take a shot, Mr. Gilmore.

Oh, and Virginia, in case you were wondering,

my jacket size is 44 long and my right arm's

just a little longer than my left.

Happy, hit it around the tower,

sink your putt, and we'll go to sudden death.

Hmm.

Nah, I'll just beat him now.

Good luck.

Chubbs, I know you're going to help me with this one.

Oh, my God!

Verne: Incredible, Happy Gilmore wins the gold jacket!

I love you.

I love you.

And I love you!

It's impossible. That's my jacket!

It's mine.

Hey, he stole my jacket!

I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's.

(Growls)

I will get you, Shooter!

(Crowd yelling)

(Shooter screaming and getting punched)

Shooter: Get off! Get off me! Mr. Larson: Stay still!

(Shooter screaming)

♫♪♪♫

You coming? - You bet.

All right.

Here's to Chubbs, wherever he is.

Hey, Happy.

Nice jacket.

Who are you waving at, Happy?

Nobody, Grandma. Let's go home.

♫♫

♫♪♪♫

♫ Oh, ho, ho, it's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ It's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ Never been awake ♫

♫ Never seen a day break ♫

♫ Leaning on my pillow in the morning ♫

♫ Lazy day in bed ♫

♫ Music in my head ♫

♫ Crazy music playing in the morning light ♫

♫ Oh, ho, ho, its magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ It's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ I love a sunny day ♫

♫ Dream of far away ♫

♫ Dreaming on my pillow in the morning ♫

♫ Never been awake ♫

♫ Never seen a day break ♫

♫ Leaning on my pillow in the morning light ♫

♫ Oh, ho, ho, it's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ It's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ Oh, ho, ho, it's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫

♫ It's magic ♫

♫ You know ♫

♫ Never believe it's not so ♫