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Zulu
Previously on Ed... Carol Bessie, will you marry me? Oh, my God! I love you!
Yes! Yes!
You did all the packing!
Yeah! We're two crazy kids in love moving to the Big Apple. New York City,
friend. It's not bridge and tunnel. No. No, it's not. I can't write about
elevator dating anymore.
I can write this.
Anywhere.
Morning. Morning. How was your run?
How was my run? I'm getting passed by old ladies and preschoolers.
You're up early, huh?
Big day.
Exciting day.
Just another day.
Just another day, at the end of which, Calvesti will have a lit agent. That's
short for litter agent. Pretty good I know the jargon, isn't it?
Just a meeting.
Just a meeting. That's funny. You should write that down. How's it coming? You
getting some good stuff?
You know, it's a process.
It's a process, right?
I'll leave you to it.
You need me? I'm in the process of showering.
I'm in the sky tonight.
There I can keep by your side.
Watching the wide world riot and hiding out. I'll be coming
home next year.
Hello, Ed.
Hey, Mr. Missoula.
How are things in the driver's ed game?
I need some help of the legal variety.
Well, today's your lucky day. I dispense help of the legal variety.
You know, because I'm a lawyer, so that... What's the problem? I recently
the distinct pleasure of falling in love with a beautiful and voluptuous young
woman. Last week, I asked for her hand in eternal matrimony. We're to wed in
April. Oh, that's great. Congratulations.
Getting married myself.
Remember Carol Vestey and I decided, you know, jump on the old commitment train,
you know, take the plunge, you know, walk down that aisle and... What's your
lady's name?
Dakota. Her name's Dakota.
Hers are a Scandinavian people. Are they?
That's... What's the problem?
It's my parents. They want me to get a prenup, you know, protect my assets.
Your parents want you to get a... Oh, okay. And you're not sold on the idea?
don't... Listen, Ed, do you mind if we talk in my car?
Your car?
Yes, I have some people waiting.
Yeah, right.
You don't still get carsick sitting in the backseat, do you? That was one time.
Thanks for meeting me here. Oh, it's no problem at all. Is there anything I can
do to help you? Sure.
I had no idea authors could bring their agents on a book tour. Well, some need
more hand -holding than others.
So I really liked your bridge and tunnel articles, but your short story is the
real reason you're here. Really? Unfortunately, it's a little too short.
If I'm going to represent you, I'm going to need a longer writing sample,
something that really shows off your voice.
Okay. So go ahead and send me your novel.
My novel? Yeah. Don't tell me you haven't got an unfinished manuscript
around. All I need are, say, the first three chapters. Three chapters?
Is that a problem? Not at all. Get them to me by the end of the week. I'll be
passing through again on my way to Cleveland. Sounds great. Great. I look
forward to reading your stuff.
Me too.
Hey, you ready to see the battle between Mr. Pork and I? What's up? What's up?
You see that? What's up, Mr. Knight? Maybe when you're done with your life
work smackdown, you can help me plan Eddie Carroll's engagement party. What's
now?
Pot pie again, huh?
I asked you what you wanted, and you said you didn't care. I don't. It's
just not pot pie.
Well, then what would you like?
I don't care.
Of course you don't, because if you did care, then you'd have to actually make a
decision. All right, you know what? I make decisions all day, honey.
Yeah, and at work. Well, I'm talking about at home. I plan the meals. I pick
Sarah's clothes. I do the shopping. I have to organize the engagement party.
All you have to do, my dear darling husband, is complain.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was such a burden.
At times, it is kind of a burden.
All right. I'll tell you what. From now on, I'll make all the household
decisions, including Aunt Carol's party.
Mike. No, it's what I've decided, honey. I'm the decision master.
That's it.
You cannot plan a party all by yourself.
Too late, Nancy.
The decision's been made.
I'll plan the party.
As soon as I eat my pot pie.
Okay,
Trevor, take a left at the light.
I thought you said we were doing three -point turns today. You will get your
three -point turn when you are ready for a three -point turn.
Okay, Eddie, here's the deal.
I guess I've lived what you call a frugal life. I mean, not that I've
I just don't need that much, plus which. I never had to buy a car.
Let's just say my parents' concerns aren't completely unfounded. You're
that you need a prenup?
If it makes my mother happy, who am I to argue? But don't get me wrong, I have
no doubt about Dakota's devotion.
So you two have discussed this?
Not yet, but it shouldn't be a problem. I mean, the girl's completely over the
moon for me. All right, I'll tell you what, Mr. Mazzulli. If you give me a
of your assets and your financial holdings, then I'll draw something up,
and Dakota come into the office, and I'll walk you through it.
Thanks, Eddie.
Hey, just because I said turn at the light doesn't mean you don't stop when
red. Sorry, Mr. Missoula.
Hello?
Decision Master, Master of all decisions, is home. Rise to greet me,
Or not. The decision is yours to make.
What is all that?
This is dinner and entertainment. This is pepperoni pizza, a six -pack, and
'em Sock 'em, Volume 6.
Hockey fights. Hockey fights.
Oh, yeah. It's another benefit to being the Decision Master, Nance.
Well, shouldn't you be planning Ed and Carol's engagement party? Yeah, and I
How is it possible that you're doing that when everything you need for it is
this? Because the master doesn't need a little binder like this. The master has
it all right here.
Don't mess around with Ed and Carol's party, Mike.
The decision master doesn't mess around.
The decision master rocks them and socks them.
Officer, when you arrived at the scene of the crime and you saw the body of
James Vincent, what did you do? I secured the crime scene and called for
I see. And did you, at any point, touch the fireplace poker?
It wasn't a fireplace poker.
The butcher knife.
The samurai sword.
Your Honor!
Will the defense attorney please make up his mind? This is a travesty.
Counselor! I'm working with what I've been given, Your Honor.
Could you make any more noise when I'm trying to write?
When you first looked into the... Objection! On what grounds?
I have no idea. This is unacceptable.
You're out of order! I'm out of order. You're out of order. You're out of
This whole court is out of order. Oh, that's original.
It's a parody.
The parody's unoriginal.
It's a parody of a parody.
The parody of the parody is unoriginal!
Part of the process.
Right.
All right. Okay.
I love you.
No, I love you. All right, bye. Are you having an affair on me already?
No, ma 'am, that's my mom. The in -laws are on their way. There's no turning
back now. Everything is done from the plane ticket, the hotel reservation, the
car rental, all done. Now all we got to do is give them the most spectacular
wedding of all time. I hate that. I hate that, too, but you know what? I can't
wait to see your parents. You know what? They can't wait to see you.
There you are.
Oh, hi.
Oh, I am so glad you could join us. Oh, I'm really glad to be here.
Let's just go over this list one more time to see if there are any changes you
want to make.
Now, the champagne.
The Veuve Clicquot or the Moet? You chose the Moet for your wedding last
You know what?
We don't really have to have champagne. I'm more of a beer person myself.
Oh, all right.
And the cake?
Oh, I am so sorry. I'm short -staffed today.
I will be right back, Carol Dennis.
Clan pie?
Sure. Onion pie?
Sounds good.
Crudites? Yeah, it's crudite.
Crudite, crudites.
Chicken or steak?
We like both. Fish?
Yeah, fish is good.
Great. It's all settled.
It's all settled.
Kirk, aren't you supposed to be making decisions?
Yes, I am. I'm good at it, too.
I was saying yes to everything, making any kind of decision.
I'm not saying yes to everything. I'm deciding toward everything. That way the
guests can choose from everything.
Yeah, all right. Just keep it simple, okay? Because Carol's been a little
stressed over the wedding plans lately. I don't want to upset her any further.
Just keep it simple. I'm keeping it simple. I'm nowhere in making a nice,
sophisticated evening for you. Just make it simple. Just make a pimple meal. Get
some rice checks and we'll cut it. Rice checks. Now you've got to be challenged.
You know what? You make me sick. You make me sick. What are you, 12?
Ed? Hey, Mr. Missoula, come on in.
Eddie,
meet the light of my life, Miss Dakota Cooley.
Hey, hi.
Hi.
Please, come on in. Hi, I'm Ed Stevens, and this is my good friend, Dr. Mike
Burton. Hi. Hello to you both.
Light of my life, you're so sweet.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please, have a seat.
Well, don't worry about me. I've decided to go.
It's nice to meet you.
You too.
Ms. Zula. Amber means slow down, hot shot. That was one time.
Please, have a seat.
So, uh, have you had a chance to look over the agreement?
I did.
Uh -huh. Any questions?
Nope. No, I think Tony's made the right decision.
I mean, he's worked very hard, and he knows I'm not here for his money. What
have, Ed, can be measured in neither dollars nor cents.
Okay. Then, Miss Cooley, let's have you sign right here and here.
Good. I'll fill out the rest, and I'll drop it off. Thanks, Eddie. Oh, we're
going out for tai chi. She's totally turned me on to them.
Tai chi.
Oh, you care to come with us?
I'm good, thank you.
Nice to meet you. You too.
You know, see where I'm standing.
I'm looking for the one they call dark.
Yonder.
Aye, sweet flower, bring me another.
Oh, wait, it's another bird.
Yeah, I left, there you go. That's a bit of tea for a month.
More than a rum, I'd be thirsting for.
You're going to see, eh? Well, just my quaint, your thirst later.
Soft hand.
Be my guess, it's neither the sea nor the sword.
Let's see the sword soon enough.
Dark Pete, I've come to avenge my family.
More like joins them, we think.
Ah! Nice meeting me, old mate.
Mates no more, dark Pete.
Then shut your scupper and bear your steel.
Shut your scupper.
Really? Shut your scupper?
Blast, what kind of white -libered squid be writing this stuff?
Snook.
Fliggabush. Bagglehack.
Podgexin. Feist. Oak.
Podgecab. Nizzard.
Fliggin' cloppin', cloppin', cloppin', fliggin', fliggin'.
A crowded road is no worry to the vigilant and responsible driver.
But as the irresponsible driver develops fatigue, he moves toward the grisly
fate of a mechanized death.
I must have seen that film over 200 times, and every time, whap, right where
counts. Right.
So, uh, listen, Mr. Missoula, I have your prenup.
Thank you, Eddie.
I wanted to ask you, how'd you and Dakota meet, anyway?
It's my heart, Ed. It's a piece of garbage. I go to a cardiologist and I
Dakota. She's his receptionist. Silver linings, right?
Your heart's a... Are you gonna be okay?
Well, maybe I got another good ten years. Maybe I go tomorrow.
At least I won't be alone.
Right. You cannot beat the realism of these old projectors.
You want to watch Highways of Agony?
No, I'm good. I'm good.
I'll... I'm good.
Well?
What's the etiquette?
Do you just wear the same dress you wore last wedding, or do you go with a whole
new dress? Oh, now, now. Let's just see how this looks.
I think you go with a whole new dress. I think you just pretend that the girl at
the wedding last year is a bride who happens to look a lot...
Like you. I like this one.
Really? I think it's too wedding -y.
It's a wedding dress. It's supposed to be wedding -y.
Not if it's your second wedding. No, technically this is your first wedding.
last one didn't last long enough to be official.
Is that your time to cheer me up? Yes.
As long as your heart's in the right place.
Can we get a dress that's a little less wedding -y?
I know that cheered me up. Thought it would.
Honey? In here.
Do you realize as long as we've been married, you've never once asked my
on how a furniture should be arranged?
Are you serious?
Yeah. I'm serious, man. I sit where you decide I should sit. I sleep where you
decide I should sleep.
You know, I've got some ideas of my own. This isn't an arrangement. This is how
furniture is displayed in a discount warehouse.
Wrong. You see what I've done here? What I've done here, Nancy? I've created a
screening room.
All the seats carefully placed around the television for maximum listening and
viewing pleasure.
Pretty cool, huh?
How are the plans going for Ed and Carol's party? Great. A lot of stuff to
Sure would like to help. No need, honey. I've already finalized the contracts
with the caterer. Everything's done.
Did you get those tables because of the round table? I ordered the round tables.
I ordered the tablecloths, the napkins, the floors. We personally delivered the
flowers.
This is killing you, isn't it? No.
Did you remember... Let it go, hon.
It's all been handled.
Why is the sofa on blocks?
Stadium seating.
Ed, wake up. It's okay.
Ed, wake up.
What? Hi.
Hi. We must talk.
Let's totally talk in the morning.
Now. You know what? Let's talk now. Why don't we do that? Let me talk now
instead. What's up?
I've been thinking.
No, I know. I know. It's a process.
No, no. Not about what to write. About something else.
I don't want to have a wedding.
I want to elope.
Ed, I am serious about this.
I want to elope. I'm up.
You want to elope? Uh -huh.
Honey, listen, I know you're upset about what happened with the wedding planner,
but we can't elope.
Why not?
Because you and I, we're...
Well, you and I.
We have power.
Circumstance. We also have spontaneity.
What about our families?
What about our friends?
We can have a reception later and invite everybody.
What about the wedding cake?
We can still have cake.
That's right. I forgot about elopement cake.
Ed, I'm serious. I am too.
I'm serious too. Listen.
We don't have to elope to have simple and easy.
You know, we... What's going on?
Nothing. I just... I think this day should be...
It should be about us.
You know, you and me.
And this feels right for some reason. I don't know why. I can't explain it.
Could you just do this for me?
Please.
Okay.
I'll do it.
Hello.
Ed!
You guys are eloping? Yeah, we're eloping. We're eloping, too.
Well, first you have to decide when we're eloping, but I said Vegas.
Vegas? Two of you? Yeah, just the two of us.
No best man? No church bells? No church wedding? No whoop -dee -doo? No. Well,
maybe some whoop -dee -doo. Really? That's Carol's call. I don't know.
Eloping? That's just so sad.
Selfish. How is it selfish?
Oh, come on, man. I put a lot of time into this engagement party. I made a lot
of decisions. Here we go.
You got myself a binder. Look, we're still going to get engaged, friend. You
still have your party.
That's good, because I don't think Vladimir's going to give me back my
Vladimir? Who's that, the caterer? No, that's the entertainer. The
got a black bear, 600 pounds, rides little circles on a unicycle. That's
awesome.
You're bringing a 600 -pound black bear to an engagement party? It was either
that or the fire walk. You're giving our history the fire.
That's how you go with a bear. Yeah.
He's even got a hat.
Oh, man.
It reminds me, I've got to get the booze luge out of the living room.
What's a booze? You have something called a booze, you have a bear. What
Nancy think of all this madness? I don't know what Nancy thinks.
Her decision let me make the decision. The worst decision she's ever made.
Sounds about right.
The bear's name is Bobo. I think you're losing it. I think you might be right.
Now, what did I tell you about right of way?
The car on the right has a... You're a genius.
Hey. Oh, hey, Ed. Come on in. Actually, I'm kind of hoping to talk to you in
private if I can. Okay.
Trevor, you're in charge.
In your faith.
My good kids, yeah.
I know you're all set for your prenup, but I was wondering, have you drawn up
your will? I did it a while back, but I figure I'll have to adjust it now that
Dakota's in the picture.
You're going to make her your prime benefactor, right? Of course.
Why? Well, I mean, she'd know about your...
Your ticket, right? She didn't know about your heart condition. Ed, I can
where you're going, and believe me, it's clearly posted. Wrong way, do not
enter. I just want to be sure that you're sure. Look, I know I'm not Jude
the looks department, but what we have is real.
What about this? What if instead of making her your prime benefactor, you
to tell her that you're giving all your money to charity, what would she say?
She'd be fine with it. She wouldn't care.
Are you sure?
I don't know whatever it was. It wasn't human.
How did we get laundry here late at night during a thunderstorm anyway?
Trilating practice was over hours ago.
We were making decorations for the prom.
Yeah, right.
You know, we've been running around in circles doing stupid things for no
reason. Doesn't anybody have a cell phone?
Hey. Oh, my God, are you okay?
My head kind of hurts.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Sorry, guys.
I got something in my head.
What do you got there? A deadly metal hatchet.
All right, can I go next? Can I be killed so that I can get out of here?
the line, sister. Anybody that's going to kick, it's going to be me.
No, stop it. The both of you. What do you got there?
Why? You were writing crap.
Come on, Carol, you're not even trying. I have to turn in something.
A horror story?
And a lousy one at that.
Come on, isn't there something that you want to write?
I'm hating.
What about the thing out there? What thing? What happened to the story and
haven't even described it yet?
Does that mean we can leave? No, you can't leave.
You know what? No.
I'm sorry, Carol, but I can't take it anymore.
Wait a second, all of you.
I'm on a deadline and I'm going to finish this thing. I need some running
need some screaming.
I need it now. Let's go.
If you don't mind, I brought the coat along. The kid can't get enough of me.
you blame me?
I'll just be glad to get past all this legal hullabaloo.
Hullabaloo. I love this girl.
Well, I made the changes you requested to your will. Everything's pretty much
you asked. In the event of your passing, 90 % of your finances will be divided
amongst the five charities you bequeath.
Charities?
Honey,
what is this?
While Ed was doing our pre -mock, I had to make a few changes to my will.
You're giving everything away? Not everything, just... 90%. 90%.
Whose idea was this?
Tony? I just wanted a few changes.
Changes.
Good idea.
Come on, Dakota, let's talk about this. What is there to talk about? It's pretty
clear to me why you brought me here today.
Goodbye, Mr.
Stevens. Take care, Tony.
Dakota!
Dakota!
Hello. Can I help you?
Good day, sir.
We're raising money to purchase new uniforms for our junior high girls'
team. We're not asking for money, only that you consider subscribing to one or
more of these popular magazines.
Oh, looks like there's a lot of magazines to choose from here.
Over 300.
300? Yes, sir.
You want me to choose among 300 magazines?
Most people only choose a few.
Yeah, well, most people haven't been making all the decisions I've been
lately, and most people have had time off.
What about you? But you guys have had some time off, huh?
Recess and free time?
We're raising money to purchase new uniforms for our junior... Soccer team,
right. For these magazines here. I see that. I'm looking through these. You're
trying to pick one.
Hey. Hi, girls.
Oh, the magazines.
Honey, can I give you a little help? No, honey, no thanks. I'm the decision
master. I'm the decision master. I make all the decisions in our house. We
decided on that.
I pick it. I make the decisions.
The thing is that I have chosen a couple years in a row, I think, for you guys.
No, no, honey, I got this as a sporting, as a sporting and a pitch. There's a
bowman. Honey, honey, let go of this. No one gets that magazine. My
answer is no, no, thank you. No magazines. That's my decision. Thanks.
Bye.
Here, I've got, here's 40 bucks. You guys want to buy some shin guards for
shins? Thanks.
What's going on?
They're doing it in the school let out.
Mr. Missoula!
Mr. Missoula!
Hello, Ed.
Well, the darn vehicle curves like a son of a gun. I take it there's nothing
wrong with it.
Nada. I drive like that when I'm down. Helps to clear my head.
So, I take it the wedding is off.
You know what's great about circles, Ed? They have no beginning and no end.
It's hard to find something like that.
I thought that's what I had going with Dakota.
But it had a beginning and an end? Yeah, point A to point B, just like
everything else in my life, which will be a point B soon enough.
Listen, Mr. Missoula, about the will, you know, I was trying to protect you.
was everyone else I know, but that was a problem, Ed. It wasn't the money. It
was me listening to everyone but Dakota.
I don't know, Mr. Missoula. She seemed pretty upset about the inheritance. No,
she didn't leave because of the money. She left because I doubted her.
Do you really think so?
Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Everything okay?
Yeah, everything's great. How about you? How's everything coming? How's the
writing going?
It's going in circles.
You and Missoula.
What?
Are you there?
Looking kind.
Two tickets to Vegas.
Surprise.
Big surprise.
I hope it's okay.
Yeah, no, it's...
You understand it doesn't matter to me when we get married, right? It doesn't
matter to me.
But Vegas was your favorite. I know what I said about Vegas, but... Vegas.
Is that what you want for your wedding? Remember, I mean, is that the picture
that you want to carry with you for the rest of your life?
I don't care.
I don't care.
As long as you're in the picture with me.
Tomorrow?
Why wait?
Tomorrow it is.
I'm looking through this list of, like, all these different, like, hundreds of
magazines, and I just start to lose it.
How can I possibly make that decision, you know? It's easy, friend. Just go
People Magazine.
Yeah, People. That's what Nancy ordered. It's like betting on black.
I'm starting to lose some of my decision -making power.
Yeah? Yeah, those darn magazines are like kryptonite. What about Nancy? Does
Nancy want to help? Oh, sure. Nancy's dying to help.
Decision Master can't ask for help.
I should have asked for help from the decision master.
I destroyed Mr. Missoula's engagement. Like, you should have seen him. He was
crushed and devastated.
Crushed and devastated.
Yeah, you really screwed up, huh?
Thanks for the support there, lefty.
Well, the guy was perfectly happy until you butted in. Listen, brother, she just
wants to marry him for his money, all right? Look, all I'm saying is
a grown man. What he does with his money is his business.
If Tacoma makes him happy, then so be it. Dakota. Right.
Give me more milk.
You having pain?
There you are.
I have to run. Sorry.
Called back to New York prematurely. Oh, I did read your chapters, though.
And?
I've read better.
From you.
I loved your short story. You know that. We wouldn't be having this conversation
otherwise. But do you know why I responded to your short story?
No. Because I could tell it was written by someone who really had something to
say.
Where did she go?
she wasn't in these chapters keep trying
Kid, if I told you once, I told you a million times.
It's called Main Street, not the Gaza Strip. And this ain't an assault
Sorry, Mr. Missoula. Don't be sorry. Be safe.
Hey, Mr. Missoula.
Listen, I came down here to apologize. I had no right to interfere with you in
Dakota. What's done is done.
Well, maybe not. I talked to her.
What? Yeah, I talked to her, Mr. Missoula. I told her the whole darn
my fault and that she'd be crazy if she didn't give you a second chance.
What'd she say?
Said she'd think about it.
I'd make that call if I were you.
True love don't come knocking every day.
Good luck.
Eddie!
Look both ways before you cross the street.
You're no good to me, Dad.
Well, what do you know?
All right, so we have a plan, right? Put in an appearance at Home for the Bags
and Zoom off to Vegas. Just remember one thing.
What? Mike planned this party.
I know.
So be kind.
Oh!
Whoa! Oh, my, Lynn.
Nice. What, girl?
Why, yes, indeed.
What, love?
Hey. Hey.
Champagne. Brother, I got to tell you, this is amazing. This is incredible.
You've done yourself. It really is, Mike. Totally amazing. You didn't get
off, did you?
No. No, we did. We did thank you. We just didn't think that. We didn't know
would be so nice.
Right. Well, my husband's both surprised.
Yeah, hey. Hey.
Check out the booze loose.
Booze. Booze loose.
Booze. Booze.
We are so in.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Okay.
Hey, great party. Yeah, yeah. I think people are really enjoying themselves.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Didn't I write the change about my back? I couldn't help myself.
I'm glad you couldn't help yourself.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, honey. Thank you.
Thank you.
Why did you keep the booze loose?
Maybe it has something to make them think it was your party. Oh, good call.
Yeah, right?
You want to go upstairs?
Honey. Look on the bright side. This woman is obviously a moron, and the last
thing you need is a moron for an agent.
Molly, she isn't a moron. I am. The stuff I wrote was too brilliant for
Pathetic. Oh, come on. I know you. You work too hard. That's just the problem.
work too hard because I didn't know what I was doing.
Consequently, I wrote about swashbuckling pirates and courtroom
haunted high schools.
You didn't. Oh, I did, Molly. It was horrible, and I couldn't stop myself.
The more I wanted to write about what I wanted to say, I froze up.
Why? He was like putting little pieces of me on paper. Little pieces of me that
other people could read and study and judge.
So you played it safe.
Yep.
Kind of like with this whole elopement thing.
Have your attention, please.
I would like to propose a toast to Ed and Carol.
I think I first owe you an apology.
This engagement party is going to be one tough act to follow.
Ed, Carol, I've been wanting for three years now to bestow some of my wisdom
onto you two dear, caught in the perpetual headlights of love.
Marriage is like the electric slide.
make one false step, and you throw the whole line off.
Actually, it's not like the electric slide at all.
You can have a misstep or any missteps, and you just come
back into the line.
And it's cool.
Marriage is like prison.
Don't worry, because the cafeteria food ain't that bad, friend.
You get a cool, really cool cellmate who sometimes you get to make love to.
It's Ed and Carol.
Ed and Carol.
Ed and Carol. Ed and Carol.
Oh.
Jail. Jail.
So I can come to my
senses for when the question
is posed.
I was hoping that you'd know
better. But I've been wrong before.
I want a wedding.
I want a wedding too.
I love you.
You're an amateur I was hoping that
You'd know better But I
You.
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