All language subtitles for Ed s04e06 The Offer

The House of the Seven Gables. I love
that book.

Really? Oh yeah, yeah. I'm a huge
Hawthorne fan.

Huge.

Matter of fact, what's it about?

What, what, The House of the Seven
Gables about? Mm -hmm. About Gables.

Okay, I haven't read it. I haven't read
it, but you know, you're teaching it, so

I love it.

I used to love it.

What do you mean, used to? Well, you
tried teaching it 999 ,999 times.

Does that make this $999 ,999, huh?

Or the $1 million?

Hold that thought.

Trick or treat!

Hey! Hey!

It's the beautiful pirate, Carol!

Come look at the beautiful pirate!

Oh! You are beautiful, but Halloween's
not for another week.

Hey, could you explain the situation?

Well, let's just say that the joys of
trick -or -treating were kind of lost on

old Sarah here last Halloween.

Yeah, she freaked out and screamed at
everybody when they came in the door.

Nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie.

So Mike and I decided he should take her
on a daylight dry run, you know, so she

could get her Halloween legs.

Look, a tree.

Oh, that's excellent.

Carol, get the Halloween candy.

I don't have any. I haven't bought it
yet.

It's not for another week.

That's some training down the tubes.

No, not a problem.

Cereal bar, it's weak.

It's weak.

Well, why don't you come with me? I've
got some gum in my purse.

Well, you definitely dropped the ball on
your side of things, Ed. You know why,

young professional?

Because I had other Halloween -related
themes on my mind.

What?

Take a treat.

Watchin'.

Do you recognize this man?

Say, uh, I don't know.

Uh, I don't know. Keith Kessler.

Hey, how'd you know it was me? Because
every teacher remembers her students by

their, uh, I don't know.

Yeah, they're like retina scans.

Plus, how could I forget a prized pupil?
Hi.

Oh, hey.

So, um, tell her what you're doing now.

Uh, actually, I'm a writer up in New
York. What? Yeah, he's been published by

New York Magazine and Rolling Stone.

Wow. Can you believe it? No.

I can't.

He's going to start his own magazine
when he gets back to New York. Your own

magazine?

That's great. Your own magazine. That's
just great.

Hey, Carol, what if Keith comes by and
speaks to your class tomorrow? You know,

let them see a real Stucky Bill success
story.

No way. Seriously?

That would just be the best.

Guys, thank you so much for helping me
out.

Hey, not a problem.

We scratch your back, you scratch ours.

I don't have an age just yet, but you
never know.

Please know that the statements made by
Warren Cheswick do not reflect the views

of Mark Vanacore.

Yeah, trust me, I know.

Wait here.

Joe, come on in.

Guys, this is Joe Risby. Joe, this is
Mark Vanacore and Warren Cheswick. Hey,

pleasure. What's up?

Joe transferred here from California,
and I was hoping you guys could take him

around and show him the ropes.

Looks young.

What grade are you in, son?

I'm a freshman. Ah, new to the game.
Good. Gives us something to work with.

Well, I guess we shouldn't waste any
time. Let's get you out there and see

you handle a haul. Yeah. These guys will
take good care of you, Joe.

So where in Cali are you from?

San Francisco. Oh, Frisco. Cool.

You weren't really close at Frisco. Ah,
I'm testing you, my man. Oh, I'm

kidding.

What can I do for you, Dr. Jerome?

Dr. Burton, I just got off the telephone
with my granddaughter, Kate.

She's in her first year of college.

and she thinks she wants to be a doctor.

Oh, that's great. You must be really
proud. You know, I remember the first

I told my papa, that's what I call my
granddad, I wanted to be a doctor.

fascinating, truly fascinating. As I was
saying, I think she wants to be a

doctor because she has no idea of what
being a doctor truly entails.

She thinks it's like they portray it on
the idiot boxes.

You know, beautiful people healing
beautiful people in 60 minutes.

Yeah, it's so unfair how they portray
us.

Sorry, go on.

I've decided to ask Kate to come by for
a few weeks, observe real doctors, see

how much strength and resolve it takes
to work in this field.

That sounds fine to me. I'll do my best
to take care of her.

Take care of her?

She'll be in good hands.

Didn't you hear a word I said? She's not
here to be in good hands. She's here to

be under an iron fist. I want her
tested.

I want to ground into a fine powder, and
then we're going to add water to that

powder and see if we have a medical
student.

Before she goes any further into this
game, we've got to see if she's got the

right stuff.

That's what you want to call it, Sluggo?
Fine by me.

But make sure she has it.

Awesome. Hey, Carol, this is great. Hey,
listen, you're just in time for the

inaugural Stucky Bowl strip bowling
tournament.

Oh, no, I'm going to have to pass. Oh,
Carol, you're missing out.

If I bowl, I'm going to lose. And right
now, I already feel loserly enough. The

last thing I need is to have that
feeling reinforced.

Oh, what's the matter? Oh, one of my old
students came by the high school today,

and wouldn't you know it, he's a writer
now, a published writer, and he's

starting his own magazine.

I am still a teacher at Stuckyville
High, and this kid, this average student

Beth, has just...

He slapped me.

Listen, why don't you just have him read
something?

That I've written?

No, thank you. Why not?

Because it's so weird. It's kind of
lame.

It is. I was his teacher, and I'm
begging him to read something of mine,

You're not begging him. You're asking
him. That's what people do. Listen,

worry about all that stuff.

You're a good writer. You really are a
good writer. I think you should do this.

I really do. I think you should do it.

I strongly recommend this stairway over
the one at the end of the hall. Yeah,

this one's nice and open. The other
one's kind of dark and secluded.

Get cornered in there, it's like you're
out in a prison laundry room. I've been

pushed up those stairs 14 times. Pushed
up the stairs?

It's actually more unsettling than being
pushed down.

Let's have a look at your schedule.

Uh -oh, red flag.

Okay, you're going to want to go ahead
and get out of geometry with Mr.

Why? Let's just say thank. I like to
hook up with Captain Morgan in the

His good days are good, but his bad days
are just not worth it. Leave me alone.

Oh, it's that time of the day.

I told Jimmy once, I've told him a
thousand times, carrying your band

is like wearing a bullseye on your
chest. I'm going to move and say

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not
the time or the place for heroes, Joe.

Jimmy would be the first to tell you
that. But take a lesson, okay? They're

kids and they're geeks. They're
predators and prey. And you can't change

okay? The best you can do is just listen
and learn and minimize your chances of

being a victim. And even that won't
always help. I mean, Jimmy just happened

walk down the hall at 10 .56.

The exact time as Chucky Borowitz, who
happens to love tormenting Jimmy. Well,

then what do you do?

Last resort, try this.

You look at a locker, you pretend it's
yours.

Blend.

Blend, okay.

Got it.

Thanks. And now for the moment you've
been waiting for.

You open the magazine, you look for your
article, and you discover that they

misspelled your name.

Yeah, I'm not talking about a couple of
vials or constants here. They basically

gave you a whole new nationality.

Okay, class, that's it. Give it up for
Keith.

All right. Thank you. You're too kind.

You're too kind. Thank you. Thanks. Have
a good day. Hey, thanks a lot.

That's really good. Thank you.

Wow. Yeah, give it up, huh?

Well, I drank you up at the Times. That
was great, though. Thank you. No, thank

you. This was so cool.

Um, listen, Keith, I was wondering if I
could ask you a favor.

Yeah, sure.

Could I get your professional opinion of
something I've written?

Oh, you're a writer?

Well, I've done a couple pieces for the
Stuckyville Progress. Nothing at all

like what you've done, but yeah, a
little.

Do you have it here?

I do.

Actually, I've got a couple pieces.

Great.

Are you going to read that now?

Oh, for punctuation and grammar.

Seriously?

No. Don't be nervous, Hayden. I'll just
put her on in two seconds.

Relax, buddy.

I tell you what, let's get you
acquainted with my friend Kate. Kate,

a question.

Um, do you play any sports, Hayden?

T -ball.

T -ball? I haven't played T -ball in
years. What's the strike zone like these

days? There is no strike zone. The ball
is on a T.

Well, we're done here.

What? Congratulations.

Just been gripped by the best.

Well, that was impressive.

Oh, simple misdirection. I learned from
the best. My granddad. Oh, Doug Henning,

that magical hippie was a mad genius.

Pardon the interruption.

Hey, Pop -Pop.

Pop -Pop?

Dr. Burton, a word, please?

Is there any reason you're ignoring my
request, Dr. Burton, or were my

instructions perhaps too complicated to
grasp?

Oh, not at all, Dr. Jerome. It just
didn't seem like the right moment.

Dr. Burton, what do you see when you
look at Kate?

I see a young woman who's ready to apply
herself to something she has a keen

interest in. And there's the problem.

You need to see what I saw when you
lurched through my door for the first

A big slab of useless rock.

Rock? A boulder.

A big dumb boulder. But that was fine
with me because I was Michelangelo.

So I approached you with my chisel and
hammer and I pounded away year after

until you became what you are today.

You, Dr. Burton, are my David.

And now it's your turn.

I've given you the rock.

Now sculpt away.

What in Samville is that?

Bahama Mama. I always order beers. I
thought I'd mix it up. You went to the

to order that thing? Why didn't you just
order it with the rest of us?

I thought you'd make fun of me. You
thought right.

Molly? Yes.

Cheers to the Bahama Mama.

Under the table.

Ed, get up and hug me.

Okay.

Now, jump up and down and spin me in a
circle. Okay.

Okay.

Why are we doing this again?

Because Keith Kessler read my samples
and he said, I have a great voice. And

magazine might have an assignment that
is perfect for me.

He wants me to go to New York and meet
with the staff. That's awesome. I know.

So pack your bags, baby. We're going to
the city.

City. Sounds cooler if you say city.

Wait, hold on. I'm totally happy for
you, but I mean, I can't just drop in.

Oh, am I kidding? It's a bowling alley
law office.

Let's hit the city.

Yes. Yes.

City.

City.

Going to the city.

Hold on there, Speed Racer.

Hey, hold on a second. Well, you're in
New York City, girl. You need to take a

look around.

It's astounding. No, no. That is not how
one takes a look around in New York

City. You need to soak it. You need to
absorb, like this.

That is how one absorbs.

Ed, I don't have time to absorb. I need
to get to a meeting, and I don't want to

be late. Because if I'm late, that makes
me a late person. And late people miss

deadlines. Deadline missers, they don't
get to write for magazines. You're not

going to be late. You'll be on time. I
don't want to be late. I want to be on

time. I need to be early, Ed. I've got
to go in and repair.

I need to go in, sell myself, convince
these people I'm the kind of person they

want. Somebody urban, somebody hip.

I'm not hip.

You're totally hip. Oh, no, I'm not. No,
you're hip.

I am a schoolteacher from Suckyville. Do
you know what that makes me? What?

A schoolmarm. You're not a schoolmarm,
right? You're hip. You're totally hip.

You're so hip, you have difficulty
seeing over your pelvis. And I should

used to live in New York City, all
right? You're just hip enough. So,

absorb.

Happy? Very.

Whoa!

What's my time?

This man just ate 12 hot dogs in 3
minutes and 12 seconds. That is...

Unbelievable. I haven't seen anything
like that since Kobayashi took down Ed

Cookie Jarvis in Glutton Ball 1. Spin
said that I have the stomach of a

12's not bad, but what are you going to
do when number 20 comes around the bend?

Hey, man, I would have liked to have
seen you in action before your surgery.

This sport took all I had to do. I can
imagine.

Fellas, I'm going to need some more
soda.

You want another hot dog? Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

I like that kid.

Hey, he's all right.

Wow.

He's talking to Caroline Hill and Daniel
Bouvier.

Holy mother of creatures great and
small. They'll eat him alive.

If they don't, those guys will.

You know what? I feel like the young lad
is in our care.

We should go over there and do
something.

I think you're right.

We'll see.

What are you doing?

You friends with those guys?

What? We have a bar together.

They're cool.

That's the point. They're cool, which
also means they're half -witted jerks,

stuck forever in the shallow end of the
thought pool.

Oh, they seem all right to me. Ah, young
and guileless one.

Trust me, you are so much better than
guys like that, all right?

Listen, I'll introduce you to our crew,
okay? I'm going to show you how we roll.

All right?

Well, let's go back to the spider.

Spiders bite. It's what they do. But I
tell you what, if it keeps on itching,

you give me a call, all right?

Dr. Burton?

Yes?

Good God, what is it now?

Excuse me?

What do you want?

Oh, well, I looked and looked. I
couldn't find the Anderson file.

Ah, well, maybe.

That's because I didn't ask for the
Anderson file. Why don't you clean out

years of yours?

I thought you said Anderson.

Are you calling me a liar?

No. You think I lie?

Of course not. I figured I misunderstood
you, so I pulled the Amberton file.

Here you go.

What are you, deaf?

Well, a little.

In one ear. I fell into the mice when I
was a kid and I got stuck, so... I'll

not be called a liar.

Look, I thought we went over this. I
can't do it. I know you don't want to

her spirit or any of that nonsense, but
she needs this.

It's just not me, Dr. Jerome. I just
don't want to do it. It's just not me.

All right? I'm not... Me?

Well, I knew this would happen.

I prepared for it.

Here.

An earpiece.

I got all of this stuff from one of
those spy stores.

Tomorrow, I'd like you to wear that, and
together we'll toss Kate into the fire

and see how she sizzles.

Excuse me.

Hi,

I'm Carol Vestey. I'm here to meet with
Keith Kessler.

Hey, welcome.

Keith, this is my boyfriend. It's
Stephen's Ed, Keith Kessler. Good to

Hey, how you doing?

Good. Joe, how are you doing?

I'm good. I'm alone.

Oh, don't be.

Amanda's going to love you. Really? See?

Oh, hi.

You must be Carol Vessi.

Amanda Williams.

Keith's told me some really great stuff
about you. Why don't you come on in?

Thanks. Go get them.

Did you get that?

I haven't got a lot of time, so I'll be
brief. I read the articles you gave

Keith. I really like them. Thank you. I
just don't know if you're ready for this

magazine.

I understand.

Wrong answer.

That last statement was supposed to fill
you with determination, and you were

supposed to demand the chance to prove
me wrong.

I demand the chance to prove you wrong.

Good. I think we must have something you
could be perfect for. We'll call it a

tryout.

What's the assignment?

Celebrity spotting.

I want you to go out there, find some
famous folks, talk to them.

Write it up.

If I like it, we'll print it, pay a
measly amount for it. If I hate it, it

in the garbage. Fair enough?

Sounds great to me.

Hey, Joe.

What's up, man? What's up? How you
doing? Come on down.

Yeah, you know Mark, and this is Jimmy.
What's up, Jimmy? Ben. How you doing?

Yeah, Stu won't be saying hello.

Ben bet him a case we write up with CDs
that he couldn't sit in that chair for

three hours without moving or talking.
Check this out. This is awesome.

Do it!

a regular beefeater.

Actually, the beefeaters talk.

What are you guys playing?

Masters and Minions 2099.

It's like the first one, only far, far
nerdier.

And unlike the original, this is more a
game of resource management than just

tactical land acquisition.

See? Are you in? Oh, I'll just watch.

All right, that's cool. Yet another
advantage of hanging out with us. No

pressure to perform.

Play M &M 2099?

Don't play M &M 2099.

Talk? Don't talk.

Wear jean shorts? Don't wear jean
shorts.

Actually, don't. It's all good.

Cool kids, however?

A lot of pressure there.

Hey, your turn. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Are we working on your show tomorrow
night? Yes, indeed we are. It's like

left your dark needs a new bed, and
that, of course, requires a new set.

Hey, you in show?

I would, man, but everyone's sneaking
into the indoor pool at the community

center.

Danielle's going to be there in a
swimsuit.

Kind of hard to say no to that. In
theory, yes.

I'm a cute girl, cool kids.

Sounds fun. In reality, boring. I mean,
a bunch of people making sure they're

all wearing the right clothes, talking
to the right people, making the right

jokes.

That's no way to live.

Look, man, I really need your help on
this. I got to get the new sets built

before my next taping. Or else I'm
screwed.

Please, please, please, please.

All right, all right. I'm in. All right.

Awesome.

I don't even know where to start.

Where'd it start? This is New York City.
There's a theater. There's Broadway,

42nd Street, and you're in town and
hairspray, and they shoot at least three

versions of Law and Order here. You
probably couldn't even throw a rock

hitting someone's face. Well, give me a
rock. Come with me.

How do you stop yourself from falling
apart and going

under?

Lost in a world that's got your feet
set, feet set.

Sorry, no.

I didn't see a single celebrity.

Not even Orbach.

Maybe I should think of another story.

I'm not sure what.

Hold up.

I got it.

Follow me.

There it is, Carol.

Right smack dab in the middle of
Broadway. The Great White Way. The

Dreams. The Hello Deli. Why are we going
to a deli? Oh, not just any deli. Not

just any deli. This is the Hello Deli,
right smack dab in the middle of

Broadway. The Great White Way. The
Street of Dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But

are we going here? Is there somebody
famous in there?

Oh.

695.

Don't you reckon I'd be able to?

No. Rupert. Rupert G. Owner and operator
of the Hello Deli.

Why do I know him? He's a guy Letterman
always talks to. Dave Letterman.

Oh, he's not one of the Pakistani guys?
No, he's not one of the Pakistani guys.

Haven't you ever seen Psychic Sandwich?

Maybe. Look, look, you want to see
celebrities, so hop in there.

Hi. Hi.

I'm doing a piece on celebrity spotting
in New York City. I was wondering if I

could ask you a couple questions.

I'm sorry, I don't do press anymore.

Back in 96, I got hosed by some jackass
at the Observer.

Good. Right.

How much for that T -shirt?

$39.

Dr. Burton, the eagle has landed and
she's five minutes late. Let's let her

it. Are you sure you want to do this?
Don't get knobby knees on me now,

Let's do this.

All right.

Hello, Dr. Burton.

Hey, have I accidentally stepped into an
alternate dimension where six minutes

late actually means right on time?

Can I just accidentally walk in an
alternate dimension where six minutes

actually means right on time?

I'm sorry I'm late.

And I'm sorry you have a brain the size
of a chiclet.

You can do it, son.

I'm sorry you have the brain the size of
a chiclet.

Did you just say I have the brain the
size of a chiclet? Would you rather I

tic -tac? Would that make you feel
better?

Would you prefer that I said you have
the brain the size of a tic -tac? Would

that make you feel better?

There's no need for you to talk to me
like that.

I'll be the one who decides what there's
a need for here. I am the doctor.

You are nothing.

I am the sun and the moon.

And the stars.

You're dirt.

Why are you acting like this?

This is a business.

It runs on hard work, punctuality, and
science.

I was up late studying.

Get out of my sight.

This isn't so bad, huh? Sure beats the
hell out of going to some lame indoor

pool.

Yeah, this is great.

Hey, Joe, what's up, guys?

Hey, something we can help you with?

Hey, Matthew, Joe, you've got to come
with us. You're going to be bummed if

miss it.

We've got to finish these sets for
Warren's show.

We know, so we thought we'd come help
out. That way, we'd be done in time to

out.

No way. Are you guys serious?

You know what? Thanks. We kind of got it
covered. Too many cooks in the oven,

you know? Wait a minute.

Are those power tools?

Yep. We've got a couple of drills, a
saw. And that's the magic word. Join the

fun.

Jeez. Thank you. Take it easy with that.

Where is our waitress?

She's off being busy with other people
who are more attractive than us.

So you're kind of quiet.

Maybe you should tell her how much we
loved her article.

You did?

It's a great piece, Carol.

It could have been pretty standard issue
stuff, but you really came at it from a

funny angle.

From the whole day of disappointment to
the Rupert G debacle.

It was really good stuff.

Thank you. Thank you.

In fact, we're going to run it in our
first issue.

Really? Really? You are? That's so
great. Honey, did you hear that?

I did. You know what? This calls for a
celebration.

Where's the... Excuse me one second.
I'll be right back.

Okay, so we're going to need a photo to
run with the article. Yeah.

And, well,

you ask her.

How'd you like to join our staff?

As a writer.

Full time. We think you'd be an
excellent addition.

As long as you keep throwing like this.

There's a lot of creative freedom. You
can suggest your own story.

I honestly, I don't know what to say.
I'm so overwhelming.

We know it'll be a big transition, but
think about it.

Wait, transition?

I would, I'd move here. Of course. The
magazine is about New York. Oh, yeah.

That's not a problem, is it?

I don't, um, I need to, uh, I need to
think about it and talk it over with Ed.

We'll take a few days.

Carol, we really want you on board.

Yeah.

Hey!

I thought that Casey called for a little
champagne. There you go. Did I miss

anything? No, they, um... They, uh...
They

want to run a picture in the magazine
with the article. Isn't that great?

I guess.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm so proud of you.

To Calvacy and Bridge and Tunnel
Magazine. Cheers.

Cheers.

Warren, man, how'd you get your own TV
show anyway?

I don't know. It all starts with an
idea, an embryo, if you will, and that

grow into what they call a pilot.

Yeah, he pretty much just walked in and
asked for it. Well, they don't just give

a show to anybody.

Thus the name Public Access.

Hey, guys, check this out. Oh, that is
awesome.

You know what this reminds me of, Kyle?

Not in a rip -off way.

There's this website called Bardvarks.

Where the aardvarks perform Shakespeare.

You know about Bardvarks? Yeah, that's
kind of like I was going for.

I can't believe you know about a
bardvark. What about the Henry V one?

With the big bloody aardvark battle.

Or Hamlet, where he holds up the
aardvark's skull. That may very well be

funniest damn thing I've ever seen.

Whoever does that is genius.

Absolutely genius.

Hey, we should head out.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take it from here. It's cool.

See you later, Jimmy.

You guys want to come?

No, no. It's cool.

All right. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Hey, thanks for your help.

Oh, yeah. It was a blast.

Hi. Hey!

You're back!

I'm back.

Yeah. So?

They love the article. They want to
publish it. Yes!

Congratulations!

That is the right word to use, right?

They want me to work for the magazine
full -time.

Again, my inclination is to say
congratulations, but...

It means I would have to move to New
York.

Oh.

Wow. Well, what did you say to him?

I told him I needed to think about it
and that I would talk it over with Ed.

When are you going to tell him?

What are you talking about? What makes
you think I haven't already told him?

please, Carol.

I know you.

First you tried to figure out how to
tell him and then you got scared

he'd get mad because you hadn't told
him.

And now you're thinking, maybe you can
just find out how he feels about it

without actually having to tell him.
That way, if you don't go, he doesn't

to know.

You're amazing.

Yeah, and you're insane.

Molly, what do I do here?

Well, how badly do you want the job?

I want this job. I want this job so
badly, I feel guilty about it. Well,

you know what you have to do.

Yeah.

I just can't believe it.

Last night blew the whole linchpin of my
entire existence.

And everyone knows cool kids are
supposed to be jerks. You know,

rotten to their very core.

How else can we feel superior?

They've already got us on looks,
athleticism, charm, nice clothes, nice

A most cherished belief.

Nothing but a myth.

Created by those like us, for us. Like
primitive cavemen willing to believe the

sun and moon were gods.

Everything we believed in.

Famoosh!

Next time I see a cool kid in the hall,
I'll want to think moron.

But now I'll think outstanding taste and
web humor.

Sucks.

Seriously sucks.

Ah, so this is good. We're all set for
Halloween.

Got all the bases covered.

Got the gummy bear base, the chocolate
base, got lollipops, red jeans, Canadian

toffee. Yeah, good. Yeah.

Something I need to tell you.

Don't tell me you're allergic to gummy
bears. Don't tell me this. No, no, no.

That's not it. Um, Virgin Tunnel
Magazine offered me a job. Oh, good.

What? Yeah.

On staff in New York.

Wow.

I mean, that's great.

When did that happen?

The other night when you went to go get
the champagne.

Then. Well, why didn't you tell me
sooner?

I guess I was waiting for the right
moment. I waited a little long. And then

had to work up my courage. So, here we
are.

Here we are.

So I'm not really sure what I should do.

A couple months ago, this would have
been the greatest thing that ever

to me. I mean, the answer to all my
dreams. But now there's you and me and

and everything's different. So what do
you think? What should we do?

Well, I don't know. I haven't exactly
had as much time to think about it. I

know. I'm sorry about that. I am. It's
fine. It really is. It's just, you know,

I think this is a decision that you've
got to make on your own. I mean, this is

about what you want, right?

You've given me a couple days to think
about it and talk it over with you, so I

guess that's what I'm going to do.
Right, sounds like a plan.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Can I get a gummy one? No, that's
for the kids.

Can I ask you to do anything?

Huh? I thought I told you to sterilize
this exam room.

I did.

You did?

Really?

Oh, you see this?

Huh? Do you see this?

I don't see anything.

That's right, it's because you can't see
germs.

But if you're a good doctor, you get a
feel for germs. You're like a germ

sensor. And right now, this sterilized
exam room feels more like a Peruvian pay

toilet to me.

There's like a germ circus in here. In
fact, I think I can hear the organ

grinder as we speak. Now listen up,
little Miss Peanuthead, all right?

I want this room germ -free.

I don't know what else to do.

Well, you can ask the germs the same
stupid questions you've been asking me

week, and that way I'm pretty sure
they'll flee like a bunch of villagers

Frankenstein's monster.

Now go.

Oh, hey, not bad, huh?

Oh, by the way, not going to be needing
the train wheels anymore.

Ed?

Ed? Yeah?

You awake?

I am now.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Thinking about what?

Are you joking?

Yeah, I'm joking.

What are you thinking?

I keep waffling.

New York, New York.

Come on, am I insane?

Our whole lives are here in Stuckyville.

That's true, but if it's your dream...
It's not like it's this job now or

nothing ever, right? I'm going to get
published, and that's great, so maybe I

should just...

Take the offer as a really nice
compliment and leave it at that.

Yeah, I don't know.

But I'll tell you this, no matter what
you decide, I'm right there with you.

I can always sell Stucky Bowl, we can
make the move together.

You would do that?

You would sell Stucky Bowl?

Absolutely, if this job is really what
you want.

Just say the word, I'll sell the alley,
we'll make the move.

That's right, because you can't see
germs.

Well, hey, if you're a good doctor, you
get a feel for germs. And right now,

this sterilizing camera feels a little
bit like, to me, like a proving pay

twist. I got germ certainty. Come in. I
just wanted to drop.

I think you can almost hear the
organizer as we speak. That's you,

Listen up, Princess Peanuthead.

What's going on here?

The jig's up, sweetie. I think you
better fill him in.

Dr. Burton.

I am actually a psychology major.

Okay. Are you aware of Milgram's
obedience experiment in the early 60s?

sounds familiar.

Behavioral sciences?

Correct. It was conducted to determine
if the Nazi officers were, in fact, just

following orders.

I've been trying to duplicate the
results here.

All right. I'm lost.

Of course you are. All lab rats get lost
trying to find the cheese.

The experiment goes as follows.

Pop -Pop, or Dr. Jerome, would tell you
to be cruel to me every time I made the

slightest mistake, saying it was for my
own good. And although you were

reluctant at first, you made yourself
willing to believe my granddad so you

wouldn't feel guilty. In order to make
yourself a good enforcer, you told

yourself you were just following orders.

Eventually, you got used to the approval
from the authority for my grandfather,

and I suspect that you enjoyed the power
you gained in suppressing me.

Why me? I don't even know you.

My grandfather said this would be the
ideal environment. I knew you'd be the

ideal lab monkey.

Here you go.

Here you go. Happy Halloween, guys. You
look great. Bye -bye.

Oh, my God. What are you supposed to be?

Ninja. Shadow warrior from the Far East.

Remember in the 80s, there were
warriors, but ninjas everywhere. Ninjas.

Remember ninjas in movies, ninjas in TV
shows, ninjas everywhere.

Have you had a motorcycle named after
them?

Remember that? Uh -huh. And then, of
course, they vanish just as quickly as

came in. Do you know why? Tell me.
Because they're ninjas. That's what they

Candy!

Candy!

Candy! Candy!

Candy! Candy!

Candy! Candy! Candy!

Candy!

Candy!

King size candy bar.

You're a fan of Dettelville, buddy.

Hey, great costume, Red Ninja.

Ninja. Okay. What are you supposed to be
there?

I am the human boss.

What? That's the sworn enemy of the
ninja.

Oh, no.

We're going to go. The human boss will
strike you down.

Come on, Fox. Let's go. Bye.

Bye, Sarah.

Bye. Bye. Ninja. Happy Halloween.

That's great. I love those burdens. I
thought they'd never leave.

I'm turning down the job offer.

What, you are really?

Uh -huh. You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Wow. You realize what you might be
giving up here.

Mm -hmm. And I also know what I might be
keeping.

Our home is here.

Everything we have, it's here.

Oh, yeah.

Which Friday the 13th is this? Is Jason
going to Manhattan or going to hell?

Shouldn't we be watching, like, the
Halloween series?

Season of the Witch, even? Maybe he is a
nerd.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Daniel. What's up?

Seriously?

Oh, that's cool.

No, I can't. I'm busy.

Oh, definitely next time. Definitely.

All right.

What's going on?

Pat Messner's having a Halloween party.

All right, can we at least put the
original part of the 13th in?

Will Daniel Bouvier be at this party?

Yeah, probably.

Um, Joseph, may I ask you a question?

Yeah, shoot. What the hell are you doing
here? Go hang out with Daniel Bouvier

and Pat Messner and Biff, or whatever
the hell the rest of their names are.

I'm fine right here. Dude.

No, you're not. You are absolutely not.
If you start turning down invites,

they're going to think you don't want to
be invited.

Go. Get out of here.

It's an order. Go.

Are you sure you guys are cool with
this? Tell Danielle I shouldn't.

I'll be passing that on.

Happy Halloween, you crazy bastard.
Thank you.

Can't believe he's going to hang out
with those lowlifes.

Yep. Total creeps. So you're okay with
living the lie?

That lie's all I got, man.

That's what I'm talking about.

Give me some.

Ow.

Carol, I, for one, am glad you're not
taking the job off. I started looking

a new best friend.

You replaced me that quickly, huh,
Commander?

No, side out on mine, buddy.

Mike, you pass the salt?

What salt?

I don't see the salt. If I don't see it,
it doesn't exist.

I haven't said that in mine. Listen, I
was totally prepared to be happy for you

guys if you were going.

But I got to tell you the truth. I am so
glad that we are not losing you.

It was too crazy to even think about
this.

This is our home.

Our lives are here. You guys are here.

Must have been hard, though. You know, I
know you wanted that job badly.

Yeah.

But I will always have this.

Congratulations, Carol. There it is.
She's published. Right.

Yeah, and once I'm published, it'll make
it easier for me to submit for other

assignments. Then those will lead to
more things.

This is all just the beginning for you.
I agree.

To Carol Vesey, writer.

Yes.

Cheers.

Hey, I'm off. We're going to be late.
Come on.

Relax. I'm the principal.

Oh, my God. We've got to go.

Let's get ready to tackle some
Hawthorne.

Hey, shouldn't you be in class?

All right, Ed.

All right what?

Let's go to New York.