All language subtitles for Ed s04e04 History Lessons

Hey, Mike.

Hey, here we go.

Hey, this is it.

I'm excited, man. I think about this.
We've had to watch from the sidelines as

we were kids. Now we've been called up
to the show. It was great.

Sure, sure.

Sir. General, sir.

Hello. Ed Stevens. First year. It's an
honor, sir. Stevens? Hey, Mr.

Stuckey. Mike Burton. You used to cut my
hair.

Is that the way you address your
commanding officer, Burton?

Uh, no, sir.

Sir, I apologize for this hack. It may
also compliment you on the sharpness of

your costume, right on down to your
splatter dashes.

It's not a costume, son. It's a uniform.

Yes, sir. Nonetheless, you've got to be
really impressed by the way I came up

with the word splatterdashes.

Splatterdashes. Right now, you boys are
on the winning team. Yes, sir.

Keep up the crap.

I'll put you on a line with those sorry
bastards over there.

Thank you, sir.

He's so cool. He's so cool. He's a
Stucky. This guy is a Stucky. He's a

descendant of Jeffrey Stucky. I don't
know. He seems kind of creepy, that

general act. That's what makes him cool.
He's got a thing. He's about something.

He's about being creepy. Hey, Mike
Burton, Ed Stevens. Burton and Stevens.

Okay. Burton, you're here.

You're on the list. You're on the list.

Burton, you are Private Thunderson.

And Stevens, you are Captain Houser.
Captain?

Oh, gosh, Rudy, you hear that, Mike? I'm
a captain. You've each got a script in

your packet. Learn the roles, and
please, no improvising. Wow.

Did we drop something?

Not me, Mike, you.

I think the epaulets may have fallen off
your uniform, you see?

My uniform?

Epaulettes. Yours? No epaulettes.

Epaulettes? No epaulettes.

Epaulettes? No epaulettes.

Epaulettes? Rain it in, Ed. I think you
mean, rain it in, sir. All right, Mike,

let's see what we've been dealt with
here.

Okay, Captain... Captain.

Captain Houser.

Gained renown... Renown, Mike.

Gained renown by being the battle's
first... Casualty?

Peppered to death by a British musket
ball 11 seconds after the fighting

What?

Why did they always take the good ones
so soon?

Watching the wide world riot and hiding
out.

I'll be coming home next year.

Eleven seconds.

I want my entire life to be part of the
reenactment. My guy gets blown through

by a British musket ball in 11 seconds.

Ah, and irony rears its ugly head.

Jealousy.

Jealousy has the ugly head, Mike. Irony,
as it turns out, is a pretty good

-looking guy. Is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

What right?

Irony's handsome.

He's really put on weight.

Empathy. You see, that's why I love her.
She has no idea what I'm talking about.

Still, she has an answer.

Well, honey, that's my life 24 -7.

So how's my little Minuteman?

Can't say I'm entirely thrilled with
that label, hon.

Well, it's 49 seconds more than I can
claim.

At least we got a chance to salute the
general. That guy hasn't changed at all

since he used to come talk in high
school, has he?

That's something Nancy would remember,
Ed. Nancy used to cut history class to

smoke behind the backstop. I did not!

What are you talking about? You used to
make me buy the cigarettes.

Mike, is that what you want Sarah to
think of her mother? I'm just saying it

happened. Well, Mike, Sarah's in an
impressionable age, especially where her

parents are concerned.

You know what she asked me last night?

No. She wanted to work up the scar on my
ankle.

That's great. When are you going to get
passed out in the rose bush for Scott

Sugg's birthday? I told her mommy had an
accident.

Well, there you go. It's covered.

Mike, it's always going to be that easy.

What's going to happen when she starts
to ask the really hard questions, you

know?

What do we say then?

Is that one of the hard questions?

The British are coming! The British are
coming!

Ah, nay, Carol, nay.

Not Ed today.

Today, I stand before you as Captain
Edmund Hauser, Continental Army, 11th

Regiment. Of course, I guess Edmund
could also mean Ed, right? So when you

me Ed, I guess you were right in a
technical sense, but... That's very

impressive. Yes, impressive, and also
itchy. Hello. Now I know why they

recommend the long underwear. What do
you got there?

Oh, I was just going through some boxes
I hadn't unpacked yet. It's amazing the

stuff you forget you even have.

Everything okay? Yeah, absolutely,
Captain.

You know what? It's level reaching
critical. I've got to get these off

there's permanent damage.

Okay, as you were, soldier.

Shirley! Stubbs!

Excuse me, Eli, were you calling me?

Yes, I was.

Because I wasn't quite sure. I mean, you
said Shirley Stubbs, and I thought

perhaps you were calling Phil's wife
Shirley, which, seeing as I didn't know

was married, would be both a surprise
and an uncanny coincidence rolled into

one. Of course, Shirley Stubbs could
also be Phil's sister. His mother, his

father's sister, his sister -in -law as
well, I suppose.

So you see, the possibilities are really
quite numerous, and I didn't want to

appear presumptuous by assuming you were
talking to me.

Yes, I was talking to you, Shirley. What
the hell happened to my kitchen?

I said, did you go out, kid?

Yo, Ed, man. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, Eli.

Yeah, you gotta try this pie. This pie's
amazing.

No, I done had enough of the pie lady's
pie. My kitchen's done had enough of the

pie lady's pie. Jennifer Young's oven's
on the blink, so I said she could use

our oven, so hers are fixed. Now, Stucky
Boys, listen to me, man. You under the

influence of the pie lady's pie.

I'll say. You're not capable of having
rational thoughts right now. She has got

to go.

No, she's staying, Eli. Make pies like
this, she's staying. Dude, how am I

supposed to run my snack bar looking
like that, man?

It looked like Hurricane Jennifer done
went through there. I'm about to call

governor and see if I can have it
declared a disaster area. Maybe I can

federal funds or something. Find a way
you like, because she needs 150 pies for

the pie -eating contest this weekend.
All right?

So play nice. Get along.

Excuse me, Ed. Yeah? There's an officer
and a gentleman waiting to see you.

All right.

Yo, Ed, man.

Make it work, man.

Guess we're going to be working
together, huh?

That'll be a cold day in hell.

Thanks, Shirley.

Ah, Mr. Mayor.

Oh, uh, General.

Sir, what can I do for you? Yes, sir. I
don't have to tell you how important

this weekend's reenactment is. No, sir.
The Battle of Meadow Creek is arguably

the pivotal battle in our nation's
struggle for independence.

Stuckyvillians have been recreating the
general's victory for over a hundred

years. Son, there's a troublemaker in
town. An Englishman. A real one. And

King George, he's insisting on imposing
his tyrannical will on the good citizens

of Stuckyville.

He's seeking an injunction to stop the
reenactment? Can't let that happen.

Besides the thrill of kicking a little
red coat butt, the reenactment brings in

tourists. Tourists bring money. The city
coffers depend on that.

I don't think there's anything to worry
about. Anyone can file a request seeking

an injunction. It's quite another thing
for a judge to grant it.

Just the same, we'd like you to handle
it.

Yes, sir.

I'd be glad to.

Good boy.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Oh, by the way, we could use a couple of
dozen of these to stack them up like

cannonballs. Not a problem, is it?

No.

What made you think you had to hide him?
I don't know. It was an impulse. I

heard it coming. I panicked. I feel so
horrible. We just moved in together and

already I'm hiding something from him.
You know what? They're just old love

letters. Everyone's got some of them
dashed somewhere.

Not me.

Actually, Mike did write me a letter
once. In 11th grade, asking me to

homecoming. He's too nervous to ask in
person. You know, Mike's stomach.

But you went.

No, he had the zip code wrong. The
letter arrived a week after the dance.

have to fix this. When I go home, I'm
destroying those letters.

Oh, come on, Carol. Cut out some slack.
He knows about Nick. Knows Nick was a

writer. He probably figured that...
Unless it wasn't Nick.

Ooh. This was pre -Nick. No one you've
ever heard of. It's impossible, Carol.

know everybody you know.

Actually, this was a long time ago, and
I'd rather not talk about it. Oh, too

bad. We're talking about it. Who was it?
Did you not hear what I just said?

Yeah. That's why I need to know more.

You need to clap.

Carol, you can't do that to us.

Hey, honey.

Hey, honey.

Mike.

Listen, I've been doing some thinking
about what you said. Oh, Nancy, I don't

even think about what I say all the
time. And I think we need to take a

look at our lives.

How does that have anything to do with
something I said?

It doesn't. I was just trying to look
for a way to include you. Listen, honey,

made this list today, right? All the
things in my life that I'm not really

of. You know, things I wouldn't want
Sarah to know about.

Like, um, trying pot in college.

Sex before we got married.

Got a history to go smoke behind the
back step. You going to put that on

Yeah, it's on there.

Okay. Now you get to make a list, too.

Oh, come on, this. Why?

So then we can make some adjustments.

You want to rewrite our lives?

Sarah's going to ask about this, Mike,
someday, and I think that it's important

that we get our stories straight now.

Oh, this is crazy.

Is it, Mike?

Is it crazy to want our daughter to look
up to us? I mean, is it crazy to want

to be role models to our little girl?

Is that what you're asking me, Mike?

No.

You're being lied to. Do you hear me?

You're being cheated out of the glory
that's rightfully yours.

And it's time you do something.

It's time to be heard.

It's time to stop the reenactment.
Excuse me.

Alan Sutherland.

You here to join the cause, mate?

Not exactly.

I'm Ed Stevens. I'm a lawyer
representing the town in the battle

So, got themselves a lawyer now.

Yeah, but I have to tell you, Mr.
Sutherland.

I don't think they need one. I've seen
your request, and I don't think a judge

will ever entertain it.

And yet you're here.

Out of curiosity.

Because what I can't figure out is why
someone would come all the way to

Stuckerville to stop the town from
enjoying what's been a long -standing

long -treasured tradition. Because, dear
fellow, as a Brit, I find your long

-standing tradition offensive.

It promotes hostility and insensitivity
toward my people.

You're joking.

Well, trust me.

I don't find Brit -bashing something to
joke about, and that's all we have here.

Publicly funded, government -sanctioned
Brit bashing. We're merely recounting

history. More like rewriting it, I'd
say. It's an abomination.

In what sense?

The most basic sense.

The wrong side wins.

Okay, now you're joking, right? There's
some of that dry British wit, that John

Cleese, Fawlty Towers kind of Roxanne
Dalt, the professor of history.

You should have a chat with the
professor.

And I guess another Brit?

No, in fact, she's one of yours.

Another beer?

Oh, no thanks. I don't want anything
else to add to my list. What list?

Oh, Nancy wants me to write down all the
bad things I've done in my life. She's

going to rewrite them so Sarah doesn't
think her dad's a degenerate.

That's good.

Kind of like a greatest hits list in
reverse. I like it. I'm telling you, a

shouldn't be forced to examine his life
like this. It's not right.

An unexamined life is a life not worth
living.

Plato said that. Yeah, well, Plato
evidently never beer -bonged poor Zimas

tried to eat a lampshade.

Thank God for this thing with Carol and
the letters.

This isn't the only thing Nancy's
obsessed with. What?

Excuse me? What thing with Carol and the
letters? Carol and the letters? Is that

what you thought I said? Carol and the
letters? Seriously?

Carol and the letters? That's hilarious.

You didn't say Carol and the letters.

Nope. What'd you say you didn't say
Carol and the letters?

Carol and the letters.

Were they with Carol in the letters
then?

Well, I guess Carol's got the stack of
old love letters.

Yeah, from Nick. That's hardly news.

Oh, another stack.

Some guy none of us know about.

What? Yeah, apparently she's kind of
touchy about it. Sorry, buddy.

Hey, what you doing?

Crossword. I need a river in Germany. 17
letters.

17 letters?

I don't know. I mean, I'm just guessing.
I don't know if it's 17. It might be

more than 17. I was just guessing. Is it
more than 17 letters?

Here's what I might do. Start wearing my
letterman jacket.

You know, what do you think about that?

Ed. I got one. When I was a kid, my
sister was 10 years old. She wanted a

but my dad wouldn't.

Letter.

That one's a little bit of a reach. But
you know, in a way, that's why I kind of

like it. So you found out about the
letter?

I did.

How? Well, Mike and Nancy don't hide
things from one another.

I'm sorry, Ed.

No harm, no foul. Grab a seat.

Or as we say in the hoops game, grab
some pine. So what's the deal? Who is

guy? What's his name?

Um, well, actually, it's a chapter in my
life I don't particularly want to

relive.

Oh, oh.

Someone serious?

At the time, yeah, very, very serious.
Very, very serious.

Very serious.

But it has absolutely nothing to do with
our relationship now.

Well... No, except now we're kind of
keeping secrets from one another.

So, Ed, look, I don't want to keep
secrets, really, and this must be very

for you, I'm sorry, but I need you to
respect my privacy on this. Can you do

that for me, please?

Of course I can. Respect your privacy?
Absolutely, I can do that.

Thank you.

So, Mike, to you, you were

right. The mystery letter guy? He's
real.

What did you find out about him? Who is
he? I don't know. She won't tell me. I

wish I had some idea. I tell you,
because every time I picture this guy in

head, he's taking on a new superpower.

Women are entitled to secrets, buddy.

Women are entitled to secrets? Does
Nancy have secrets? Oh, I read my wife

a book, though.

A lot of big words I don't really
understand and never bother to look up.

So my advice, leave it alone.

You know what? You're right. You're
right. Because it doesn't matter who

guy is, you know? It's ancient history,
right? It's in the past.

You should have put it all behind you.
Does that sound convincing at all? Sure.

Oh, you wanted to see me, sir?

Relax, Ed.

Let's pretend we're not soldiers for the
moment.

Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, yeah, I can do
that.

Have you ever been in here before?

What? No.

I mean, I get my haircut over on
Raleigh, but this is cool.

I guess it's like, what, part barbershop
and part museum?

I eat, sleep, and breathe Jeffrey
Stuckey and all he created.

My wife used to say, people come in for
a shave, they leave with an education.

She also used to say if I didn't cut
somebody's ear off, I'd talk it off.

A little barber humor, maybe. Oh, that's
good. I like it.

Well, I don't want you to miss my prized
possession.

This is a letter of appreciation to
Jeffrey Stuckey from Washington.

George Washington?

Yeah. Our George Washington? Father of
our country? Cherry tree guy? Well, as a

history buff, I have to tell you there
was no cherry tree. That was just a

parable. Oh, that's too bad. I like that
story.

I was like the one who had an old honest
day walking a mile to return to Penny.

You're killing me here.

Ed, I understand that for most folks the
reenactment is like another festival.

It's just another reason to get outside,
to let loose a little.

But for me, for me, it's the one week of
the

year where I get to be the general.

People want their picture with me.

I get to teach in the schools.

Fact is, it's the one week in the year
where I feel like somebody.

General, I wouldn't say that.

It's true. It was for my father and his
father, too.

But that's okay.

The one week is worth it.

So, what happens next?

Well, Sutherland's going to get a shot
in court to argue before a judge to try

and justify stopping the reenactment,
but I'm going to be there to argue

him every step of the way if it even
comes to that.

Well, I got nothing to worry about then.

Right.

Yo, I'm sorry. What are you doing?

What? I mean, what are you doing? You
look like a little child in a swimming

pool just flailing and splashing water.

Do you have a point?

Yeah. You want to make them one at a
time?

Yes. Wait a minute. You got to do 150
pies. You're going to bake them one at a

time. Again, do you have a point? Girl,
you got to speed this up. You got to

turn this into a little pie maker
factory.

Crust, crust, crust, fill, fill, fill,
crimp, crimp, crimp. Come on, you got to

double your speed. Number one, I'm not
crimping, I'm scalloping. Number two,

it's quality over quickness.

And number three, what about efficiency
over inefficiency?

Number four, how about you mind your own
business?

All right, I guess you don't need old
Eli's help.

Go ahead, fail on your own.

Clock is ticking.

Are you still talking?

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Carol?

Carol?

Cross the line, Ed. I didn't cross the
line. I didn't open a single envelope. I

didn't read a single letter.

It doesn't matter. You crossed the line.
I didn't cross the line. I never

approached the line. I never told the
line. I may have chalked up on my shoe

brushing up against the line, but the
line, I did not cross.

What's his name?

Dylan Clark.

What kind of name is that?

I tell you, Ed, that's a cool guy name.

This is what we call it on this side of
the line. You clearly are no longer on

this side of the line. Ah, Mike, the
thing was you staring me in the face.

was I supposed to do?

The postmark was staring right at you,
wasn't it?

March 91.

College years.

Yeah, that explains why none of us knew
him.

Turns out he still lives down there in
Buckford.

You looked him up? That's stupid. I know
it's stupid. I couldn't help myself,

Mike.

Turns out he's married, he's got two
kids, he owns a nursery and drives an F

-150. That may have crossed the line.
And you can't even see the line from

you're standing. You can't get it in the
passport territory.

In fact, you better hope they have
pictures on the menu. They don't even

the same language that far over the
line. I think he may have crossed the

with this bull crossing the line. Yeah,
well, that just crossed the line. How?

It did?

Amazing, isn't it? A couple of newlyweds
decide to renovate an old farmhouse and

we suddenly have a new perspective on
American history.

These are only some of the journal pages
discovered. The others are still being

restored.

What do you mean when you say a new
perspective?

Well, thanks to the journal, there's
been a shift in thinking for many war

historians. A shift?

What kind of shift? History can't shift.

Well, no. The actual events of history
are, of course, static. It's our

understanding of the events that's
subject to change.

Thus, the shift.

Oh, there's that shift again.

Basically, what you're telling me,
though, is that you historians change

minds. We really do prefer to call it a
shift.

Okay. But according to the shift,
Jeffrey Stuckey actually lost the Battle

Meadow Creek?

Certainly not.

Oh. Good. According to the journals,
there was no Battle of Meadow Creek.

I'm sorry?

Stuckey raised the white flag before it
began.

He surrendered without a fight?

That's our interpretation.

General Stuckey, a coward? That's a lot
of hooey. I'm sorry, sir, but the fact

is, journals exist.

Son of a bitch. Who else knows about
this? Not a lot of people right now, but

Sutherland's going to make it public,
and that's going to kill us.

A gag order, Steve. That's what we need.
Get in there, do some of your

lawyering. Some lawyering? Well, I wish
it weren't that easy, sir, but it's not.

Stuckyville, Ed. Yeah. You get the
connection? Yeah. What's going to happen

it comes out that the general was a
coward? Hell, we couldn't even be

Stuckyville anymore.

Well, yeah.

You ever stop and think how absurd
Stucky Bowl would sound if it was in a

with another name?

Well, it wouldn't be.

Anyway, you make a good point. The truth
is, though, sir, I've been over this as

a fine -tooth comb.

You know, I've taken a look at every
legal angle imaginable, and the truth is

there's just no way of keeping a lid on
this thing right now.

General Stuckey surrendered.

The bureaucrat in me is already
calculating the cost, the impact on

expense of renaming the town from new
signs right on down to letterhead. Yeah,

and that's just the money.

Exactly.

But it's the people I'm worried about,
eh?

After all, that's all Stuckeyville is.
It's people. Right. Every year they look

forward to this reenactment.

And they take pride in being part of
Stuckyville. I know, sir. You're right.

Believe me, I don't want to see them
hurting this any more than you do.

Then do something about it, Ed.

Don't worry, sir.

Ed Stephenson's not yet begun to fight.

Someone I can help you with.

Hey, Dylan.

Oh, Dylan, there you are. I mean, I know
your name's Dylan because of the name

badge tag that you have there.

No, I was just leaving.

Is there a thing?

Actually, you know what, Dylan?

I might actually do some planting up on
my house in Stuckyville.

All right. What kind of plants are you
after?

Trees or shrubs? Shrubs.

Shrubs. Mostly I plant shrubs up in
Stuckyville. So I'm looking for the kind

shrubs that do well in Stuckyville.

Follow me. Okay.

Just about any of these in here would
work well for you.

Uh -huh. Yeah.

Oh, you got a few of them, don't you?

Green. Green. It's very green here.

These shrubs? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I
usually get my shrubs in Shrub City, but

is... These are good shrubs. Yeah, these
shrubs will do great in Stuckyville.

Listen, let me ask you something. Do you
guys deliver? Because, you know, I'm up

there in Stuckyville.

I know.

Yeah, you know anyone from there? Do I
know anyone from there? Weird question?

Strange question. Yeah, well, you know
what the thing is? We have a saying in

Stuckyville. It's a motto. Actually,
more a motto than a saying, but it goes

like this.

Everyone knows someone in Stuckyville.

That's our motto or our saying.

Yeah, so do you?

Guess I used to know someone from there.
There you go. What's her name? His

name. What's his or her name?

Carol Vesey.

Carol.

Vessi.

That's great. Carol Vessi. I know Carol
Vessi. Yeah? Yeah. We went to college

together a lot of years ago.

What's she doing now, anyway?

Who? Carol.

She teaches. I mean, I think she
teaches. I don't know. I don't have a

invested in it. I should really call
her.

You're going to call her?

Just to catch up, you know?

Yeah, you should call her when she gets
back to the United States in three or

four months or longer. You know,
business travel.

I thought you said she teaches.

I did. She does. She teaches whitewater
rivering, rafting, river rafting, you

know, up in Costa Rica, or down in Costa
Rica. What I'll do is this. I'll take a

card, and, you know, if she shows back
up in Stuckyville, maybe I'll have her

call you or something.

All right. Sounds good. Okay.

There you go. Sure.

Dylan Clark.

That sure is you.

Thanks.

So, for a time there on the 17th, it
looked like all hope was lost.

Stucky's men had been driven back to
Watterson Bridge.

The British were closing in front and
rear, and the nearest reinforcements

more than ten miles away.

So, question.

Fire away, soldier.

I heard the whole Stucky story is a
hoax.

A hoax?

Son, the very land that we stand on was
given to General Stucky because of his

heroics. What more proof do you need?

I heard that, too.

That Stucky wouldn't fight? Yeah, he
wussed out.

Ethan. Hey, it's what I heard.

I assure you, nothing could be further
from the truth. Jeffrey Stuckey was a

true American hero. True American what?

That's enough.

Mr. Stuckey is an expert in Stuckeyville
history. We are very lucky to have him

here, so let's be quiet and hear what
the expert has to say. I'm so sorry.

Please continue, General.

Hey, Shirley.

Let me see that tally. Where we at
there, my girl?

42 minutes until it becomes
statistically impossible for Miss Yank

pie deadline.

Oh, I can't watch this. Too painful to
watch. It's like gawking at a train

wreck. You are really not helping, Eli.

Oh, I'm not helping? I wonder why I'm
not helping. Shirley, read that back to

me. Jennifer to Eli, how about you mind
your own business?

Oh, that's why I'm not helping.

Miss Jennifer Young, Phillip Stubbs,
executive managing manager. We've never

formally met, big fan.

Who are you?

I just got off the phone with Mayor
Mulligan, family friend, kids prepped

together a tap, family's vacation on the
cake.

The list goes on. Anyway, apparently
there's a slight problem with the piding

contest. He needs to see you down at
City Hall.

Right now?

Is there any other time with the mayor?

Well, I can't right now. I'm way behind
already.

Oh, damn it. Go ahead, girl.

I was just going on down there. You're
never going to make the deadline.

Who knows? You might get lucky. He might
just cancel the whole contest. He did

say it was urgent.

I owe you big time, baby.

General, no general here.

He died 200 years ago.

Listen, sir, I heard what happened at
school.

Isn't it possible perhaps you're
overreacting a little bit? No matter.

Had to happen someday.

Remember you're taking down the wall?

It's a tribute to a coward and eight
generations of liars. Now, Mr. Stuckey,

don't know that. We don't?

Come here, come here. Let me show you
something.

Hold this.

What's this?

This is the white flag.

What white flag?

The very white flag that Jeffrey Stuckey
surrendered with on that Pennsylvania

farm 230 years ago.

You've always known.

The Stuckey family's dirty little
secret.

And tomorrow when Sutherland has his day
in court, everyone's going to know.

It's all yours, Ed.

The flag, the letter, the medals.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. So where are
you going to go? What are you going to

do?

I'm going to change my name, move away
maybe.

I simply have no interest in having
anything to do with the general.

Just a second.

What is all this?

Mike, what are you doing?

Well, I realized if we're going to be
revising our history, we might as well

make the best of it, you know?

No, I don't know.

Is that the camera out there?

Uh -huh.

Mike, oh, my God.

When did you... Honey, that is you in
there, right, Mike?

Yeah, that's me, hon. What do you think?

Well, I don't know whether to laugh or
file for divorce.

I thought some photos might add a little
credibility to the list. What list?

This is my greatest accomplishments.

We always want Sarah to be proud of us,
right?

Quarterback in high school. Olympic gold
medal.

Biathlon. First man on the moon. Honey,
I think that was Neil Armstrong.

Nope, that was me.

Michael Aloysius Burton.

Okay, that's not your middle name.
Honey, this is insane.

Well, how's it any different from what
you've been doing? I'm simply adjusting

my past.

Mike, it's different.

How? It's...

I know it's only because you care about
Sarah and you want us to be the best

parents we can be, but do we really want
to lie to her?

So you did all of this just to make that
point?

Women respond best to visuals.

Okay.

Maybe I went too far.

But still, Mike, how do we stay
responsible parents if Sarah finds out

irresponsible stuff we've done?

I don't know.

You take the picture and I say I go to
the bathroom.

What?

Fresh blueberry pie.

A dozen of them. Four more in the oven.

Oh, don't go getting frozen on me now,
Jennifer.

We got six ready to go and six that need
filling.

So, so, wait, how many?

Sixteen. I got sixteen done while you
was going triple your rate of

You scalloped the crust?

Yes, I did.

You used ice water with the flour?

Ooh, cold.

All right, then. Let's keep going.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. You mean keep
going the way I was going, right?

Still use my recipe, and the pie'd have
to measure up to my stance. Yeah, but

keep going the way I was going.

I said let's keep going.

All right, then.

Carol?

Carol, is that you?

Yes, it's me. Who else would it be?

Well, I don't know.

Hey, it did sound like you. It sounded
kind of loud.

What, do you got new shoes or something?

New shoes.

Yeah, your feet don't normally sound
that loud when you walk.

Okay, come on. Look, why don't you just
tell me what's wrong and stop stomping

around?

I got a phone call today from someone
who wanted to know if I was interested

whitewater rafting.

Dylan called you? Dylan called you? Oh,
yeah. He was surprised to hear I was

back from Costa Rica so soon. And how...
Could you? I don't know. I don't know.

You know, I'm sorry, Carol. The whole
thing just kind of snowballed on me. You

know, I felt like if I knew his name, if
I just knew the guy's name, then I'd be

fine. I'd be over it, you know? But then
he went and had a cool guy name. A cool

guy name? Yeah, a cool guy name. A cool
guy name. Dylan. Don't tell me you don't

think Dylan's a cool guy name. He's a
total cool guy name.

What are you talking about? What is
wrong with you?

I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I
made a mistake, but you were so gosh

darn mysterious about the whole thing, I
just couldn't help myself. Why can't

you trust me enough to respect my
privacy? Why couldn't you trust me

tell me about Dylan? I will. I will. I
will tell you about Dylan.

You're right. Why should we keep any
secrets from each other? We should just

tell each other everything.

You know what? You go first. How many
women have you slept with? What? Yeah,

give me names. Oh, and not just names. I
want to know exactly what you did and

what it was like.

That ought to make a good appetizer.

Then we can move right on to the main
course.

I want to know the ten lowest points of
your life.

The ten worst things you've ever done.
The things that you don't want to think

about because they make your skin crawl.

The things that wrack you with guilt to
this day. And I want you to tell me all

about them. Okay, look, I don't know.

Dylan Clark was the first guy I ever
loved.

He was amazing.

He was sweet and kind. And after
college, we continued to date long

And I got my teaching job in Suckyville.

He came to surprise me one night, and he
did.

I was, um, he found me with Nick.

So, if you, uh, really want all the
details, be my guest there

and there.

Professor Dock, I had a discussion with
the opposing council, during which Mr.

Stevens tried to justify the town's
little production by saying they were

recounting history.

Let me ask you.

Stuckyville's version of the Battle of
Meadow Creek, would you call it

historically accurate?

I would not.

Yet, for the past 106 years, the people
of Stuckyville have been led to believe

that General Stucky trounced the British
at Meadow Creek.

That was the generally accepted view.
However, historians make new discoveries

every day, and some recently uncovered
journals have shown we may have been

wrong.

Professor, did General Stuckey win the
Battle of Meadow Creek?

No.

No?

Why not?

Because there was no Battle of Meadow
Creek.

General Stuckey raised the white flag.
He surrendered outright before a single

shot was fired.

Order! Order!

Order! Mr.

Stevens, your witness.

Mr. Stevens.

Right here, Your Honor.

Right here.

I would love to know what the intended
purpose is of this spectacle. Oh, sorry.

No spectacle, Your Honor. I just wanted
to submit this flag into evidence. It

was given to me by Arthur Stuckey. It's
his belief that this is the very flag

that Jeffrey Stuckey used to surrender
to the British.

Well, I realize I'm only the judge, but
shouldn't you be trying to discredit Mr.

Sutherland's motion rather than support
it? Well, I'm not too concerned with Mr.

Sutherland, Your Honor. No, right now my
main concern is trying to restore the

good name of Jeffrey Stuckey. Thank you.

Good luck.

Proceed. Thank you. Professor Dalt.

Are you familiar with the concept of a
sacrifice fly? Baseball term. I'm afraid

I don't follow sports.

Let me enlighten you.

In a sacrifice fly, the batter, you
know, the man of the plate, he lifts a

fly ball, generally the outfield, but it
virtually assures that he'll be out.

Why do that?

It does nothing for the person's batting
average, and it certainly isn't going

to make him a star. Why be out on
purpose?

I haven't the foggiest.

So that the runners on base can advance.

The batter selflessly takes one for the
team, the runners advance. Thus the term

sacrifice George Washington.

wrote a letter to General Jeffrey
Stuckey after the war, thanking the

for his courage and his sacrifice.

Now, if General Jeffrey Stuckey
surrendered as a coward, how do we make

this?

Professor Dalt, you're an expert on the
subject.

Can you think of any way that the
general's surrender may actually have

benefited the colony's cause?

Perhaps as a tactical maneuver.

Tactical maneuver?

Well, we didn't think of that, did we?

No, a tactical maneuver. Okay.

Could you explain, please?

It's conceivable a surrender might be
staged to lull the British into a false

sense of security, thereby causing them
to weaken their encampment in Meyerson.

I see. But is this at all consistent
with your knowledge of the war?

Actually, yes.

After Stuckey gave in, the British
removed three divisions from the county.

Washington arrived two days later and
easily overran the remaining forces.

Thus, the beginning of his march all the
way to Delaware.

I see.

Thank you.

So, General Stuckey's surrender actually
helped the cause.

I don't know what that says to you, Your
Honor, but I'll tell you what it says

to me. It says to me that General
Stuckey did not surrender as a coward.

it says to me that Jeffrey Stuckey hit a
sacrifice flag, taking one for the

team. Washington shot him the signal.
Jeffrey Stuckey selflessly raised the

white flag in surrender, taking one for
the team. Literally a case of losing the

battle to win the war.

I bet in many ways it was harder for him
to surrender than it would have been to

fight, given the type of man he was.

And what if he had fought that day and
won? What then?

Well, perhaps he would have led the
march on Delaware. Perhaps we would have

face on our dollar bill today. We'll
never know. But what we do know is this.

Jeffrey Stuckey was not a coward.

And Stuckeyville and the people of
Stuckeyville have nothing to be ashamed

Thank you.

Oh, hey, Mr. Sutherland.

Mr. Sutherland, listen, we ought to talk
about a settlement here. Oh, yes, Mr.

Stevens, mercifully.

Now that you've got me on my knees after
that spectacular display in there.

Well, thank you.

But, you know, you may have saved the
general's name, but I made my point.

Stocky surrendered.

Your reenactment's pure fiction.

And that's all the judge is going to
care about.

Can I buy you a beer?

Or a spot of tea? Listen, I'd like to
talk to you because I think I have a way

to put an end to all this.

You like beer?

Shoulder! Firelock!

Gentlemen, let the battle of Meadow
Creek commence!

for coming.

Stephen! Sir.

I just want to thank you again. It looks
like White Flag Day is going to be a

big success.

Yeah, I think it will.

I guess I owe you a thanks too, Ed. You
kind of pulled me back from the brink

there. You sticking around?

Of course. Where would I go? That's
great, sir. That's great. You belong

I hope you realize I'm going to need my
stuff back sooner than later, if you

don't mind.

Absolutely, sir. I was just holding up
for you, General.

All right, come on, come on. We got one
spot left.

One spot left for the next round. You
want to take that seat, Vlad? Do your

thing, dog. Eat all you can eat, baby.

All you can eat pie. That's what I'm
talking about. Let me tell you something

about this lady's pie.

They so great, they should be the prize.

All right, Jennifer.

Don't get all big -headed now.

That's just myself bitch -talking. Your
pies ain't that great. My pies are that

great. Yeah, maybe so, because I had a
part in them.

Hey.

How would you like a job?

Whoa, wait a minute. Work for you?

Jennifer has a sense of humor?

I was just throwing it out there, Eli.

Well, you know what? Come to me when
you're ready to talk partners, and maybe

I'll think about it.

All right, then. What would you say to
being partners?

I'll think about it.

No. This is a limited time offer.

Jennifer, you ain't going nowhere.

Hey, Captain Howser lives, ladies and
gentlemen.

You didn't die yet. Say thanks, Mike.
Can I talk to you for a second? Of

Oh.

So, what do you think? Didn't rate him.

I'd love to.

You still want to know how many women I
slept with? Ed! Oh, come on, you'd be

impressed. It's quite a number.

Are you surprised?

No. It's in the thousands.

Oh! One more than Mike.

Oh! Poor Mike.