Original subtitles

A decision to make.

Can you tell me you're 100 % certain you do not want to be with me?

I'm not going to compete with Carol, that's it. And I'm on a plane tomorrow

night to Houston.

Unless you give me a reason to stay. How do I do that? Make up your mind.

Once and for all.

Make any interesting decisions lately?

I decided to be with Frankie.

So I went to look for you. And a funny thing happened.

Everywhere I went, I saw us. And I realized.

I love you. I love every part of you.

And we have to be together.

Can I please kiss you now?

So...

So? So, here we stand in front of your house.

Just like we've done so many nights before, except very different. Very,

different tonight. For tonight,

we stand here as a couple.

Yes, Ed Stevens, that we do.

It's great. You know, it's exciting. Because, you know, for non -couples,

right here marks the end of the road, you know, the end of the evening. But

us, that's old school.

Because for us, we're a couple and the night has just begun.

What do you mean by that exactly?

Good night, Ed.

Good night. Whoa, hey, whoa, hang on. Did you just say... Did you say, come

Ed, but in a strange accent? Like a Ukrainian accent, perhaps?

No, no. I said, good night, Ed.

Hold up.

Hold up. Hold up.

Okay. I see. Look, see, I think you're failing to grasp the concept of old

school. Now, when you say, okay, good night, Ed, that's kicking it old school.

Okay, now were you to say... Come in, Ed.

That'd be new school.

Time to start kicking in new school.

Can we be serious for a second?

I'm serious and dead serious. Never been more serious about anything in my life.

Tonight was absolutely perfect.

And I want to remember it just as it is.

Okay. Okay.

I guess I understand.

Can I come in now, please?

Good night, Ed.

Chicken and old school.

I'm in the sky tonight.

That's it?

That's all you're going to tell me? That's all there is to tell?

You know, you amaze me. Why?

Three years of walking down the street talking about Ed. Three.

years, Carol.

That's like over a thousand days, a very significant chunk of our lifespan.

You finally hook up with the guy, and you tell me nothing?

That's unacceptable, Molly. I mean, you've got to tell me something, you

anything, just the tiniest detail, like, like, what kind of underwear does he

wear? Let me guess.

Boxers with a rubber duck motif.

I didn't see his underwear. The man wears invisible underwear? Molly, he

me home, we said our goodnight, we went our separate ways, that's it, I swear.

You were Absolutely, 100 % positive that you guys didn't do it.

You were absolutely, 100 % positive that you guys didn't do it.

Yes, for God's sakes, I think I would know. Okay.

All right, so answer me this. Hypothetically, if you had done it, how

think it would have been?

Somehow I can't imagine Ed and Mike having this conversation.

Tell me more, tell me more.

Ha, ha, ha.

Very funny, Knicky.

You know, on any other day, I would find that extremely irritating. Not today,

my friend. For today, nothing can knock me off my golden perch of bliss.

You're going to talk like that from now on? I feel I've earned the right, my

friend. I feel I've earned the right. You know, three years of Carol Vesky

Insanity has finally paid off. Three years of Carol Vesky Insanity? You

even get into her house.

Michael!

She's just saving a little something for later. You know what I'm saying? I'm

cool with it. Sure you are. So what about Frankie? What are you going to do

about Frankie? Nothing I can do. She's gone.

Already? Yeah, she's gone. She left. And we said our goodbyes to the party.

She's off to Houston.

Wow, that must have been rough.

It was. You know, I mean, it would... You know, Frankie... Frankie was...

Frankie is... You know, she's... She's amazing, right? I didn't want to start

this whole thing with a...

But, you know, not now, not today. You know, today is not a day to dwell on the

past. Today is a day to focus on the future, my friend. Our distant future,

2079 when you finally have sex with Joe Vesey. I knocked you out of your golden

perch of bliss.

Good morning, Stuck and Bow.

You drunk?

Nah, man.

Hey, is that the one where he's the doctor with the clown nose? Because that

genius.

Charlie!

Yo, Charlie, what in the world?

Good morning, Eli.

Please tell me I'm suffering from a temporary mental disorder which causes

see three dozen tasty -looking pies which in fact says pies does not exist.

No, Eli, these pies are very real.

Well, what are they doing here? I bought them.

Why? Charlie, we're lucky we go through two pies a week. I got an excellent

deal. Oh, you did, huh? But what are we going to do with these?

We could have a celebrity pie -eating contest. Just picture it. Three dozen of

today's hottest stars wolfing down pies for charity. Who can we get? Shirley,

get me Harry Long on the phone.

Shirley, give me these pies.

But they're so appley.

Shirley. Hi, Captain.

Pie's got to come.

Uh, hello?

Good morning, Mr. Stevens.

Oh, good...

Do we... Have we... Edward, say hello to Miss Beverly Germain, or as I like to

call her, Super Frankie.

I'm sorry? I found you a new law partner.

You're a lawyer?

Before this, I worked at Photomat, but I like to try new things.

I... Excuse me.

Keep that.

Bosco, you're very, very welcome, but just so you know, she's got an eight

-old kid at home, so caveat emptor, if you hear what I'm saying. What's the

matter with you?

Don't you want a new partner? If I had a nickel for every time I heard you say

you'd be lost without Frankie, I would have, like, four nickels.

All right, look, I'll tell you what. You really want to help?

Go ahead. Set up some interviews with actual lawyers.

Actual lawyers.

Interesting. You know what?

Better still, see if anyone's willing to come down and work on a trial basis.

That way I'll be really able to see if we can work together. What's the matter?

I don't really want to help you. I just want to stare at Super Frankie.

It's not too late, Nancy. We can just get in the car and go back home. Don't

even think about it. We're getting a dog. I don't want a dog. Of course you

a dog. I think you have me confused with you.

Possible. You are large and goofy, whereas I am wee and adorable.

Seriously, honey, dogs are so much work. Can't we just get a hamster? It's not

hamster. It's hamster. There's no P in the word.

All right, whatever. Says yes to a hamster.

You must be the Burtons. Hey, welcome to Gideon Mandel's doggy paradise.

Come on up.

Oh, my God, they're so cute.

Yes, I've got all sorts of wonderful fur babies to choose from. So what are you

looking for? I don't know, Nance. What kind of fur baby are we looking for?

Gosh, I don't even... Big or small, dog or bitch?

I guess maybe a bitch? It's all right to say it. That's the proper term for a

girl. What about biatch? Is that acceptable?

Ignore him.

Hello, fuzzy.

Oh, who's this little one? Oh, that's Butch. What's the bitch? What is she, a

lesbian? You are a silly man, aren't you?

Butch is a boy.

Oh, he's adorable.

Look at him, Mike.

Much for Butch. For this perfect, healthy, 100 % purebred wire -haired

$1 ,000 even.

Seriously? I could get one just like it at the pet store for $150.

Not likely, Dr. Burton. You won't find a dog of Butch's lineage just anywhere.

Lineage? Come on, I'm trying to buy a dog. I'm with the Prince of Wales.

$500. That'll only get you the half that poops.

I suggest you spring for the whole dog.

Come on, Mike, let's just do it.

I love him.

Yeah, you take credit.

Hey. Hi, Butch, Butch, Butch. He's so cute. His name is Butch? His name's

Willie. What?

Why should we let that weird -ass breeder name our dog? I want to name my

dog. But, honey, I like Butch. Hey, Willie.

Oh, God.

All right, let's compromise.

We'll call him Willie Wood.

People are insane.

Hey, this new doggy. Nice work, you guys.

Hey, Molly. Hey, Nancy. Hey, Carol. Hi.

Is that weird for everybody?

Yeah, kind of.

Nice shot.

Thanks.

Hey, Carol.

Yeah?

You know Neil Patrick Harris?

Doogie Howser. Yeah, Doogie Howser. I love him. Yeah, he's great.

Do you think when Neil Patrick Harris goes into a party and he meets someone,

says, Hi, I'm Neil Patrick Harris, or do you think he just says, Hi, I'm Neil

Harris?

I don't know.

But he just says, Hi, I'm Neil Harris.

Why is this so awkward? It's awkward.

It's awkward. A little bit awkward. Yeah, it's awkward. But you know what? I

think that's fine. I think that's normal. We're undergoing a transition

all, so I think it's normal.

So what do we do?

I want to feel normal.

But if we act too normal, we won't feel couple -y. And if we act couple -y, then

we won't feel normal.

That's a good point.

Here's what I say we do.

Here's what I say we do.

We tackle this whole thing head -on.

Head -on, you know?

And because of that, I'm hereby inviting you out on a date.

A date? That's right, a date. A date. A real date. Not like last night, but a

real date. A formal date to help kick off our relationship in stealth. I'll

you up tomorrow night. What do you say? I mean, it'll be fun. It'll be great.

It'll be great. We'll have a great time. We'll know how to act. We've both been

on dates before, right? So, what do you think?

Yeah. Okay. Okay, good.

Okay, good.

This is going to be awesome. Okay. I like it.

Okay. Okay. So, I'll see you tomorrow night. Yeah.

Definitely. Okay.

Okay. Ow.

Sorry. Okay.

I think we need a way to signal each other if we're going to go in for a

7045. Sounds good.

Oh,

Mike, there's a poop under the chair.

Wasn't me.

I'll clean it up, but I want to see you start disciplining Willie Butch. It's

too late.

What do you mean?

And you have to yell at him right when he's pooping, otherwise it doesn't sink

in. Well, that's not what the training book says.

Well, it says right here in the stuff we got from the vet that, uh, where's the

pooping info?

Um, pooping info.

What the hell, Nancy? See this?

What? This note from the vet. Did you read it?

I don't know. What's it say?

Dog is most likely part wire -haired terrier.

But not purebred is indicated by tapering of snout and curvature of tail.

Well, we got a bum dog. That's what. I don't believe this.

Well, that can't be right.

I knew I didn't trust that bastard. A thousand bucks?

I paid for the caviar of dogs, and he sold us a can of Starkist of dogs.

I'm calling Ed. I'm going to sue.

No, honey, you can't.

Willie Bush, no poo!

No poo!

It's unbelievable.

You called the breeder yet?

No, no. I wanted to talk to you first. What should we do? Well, okay, we should

start by... Actually, Mr. Henderson, say you were my partner.

How would you recommend we handle this case?

Well, I suppose we could visit the breeder and intimidate him into giving

Burton his money back.

Mm -hmm. Would you be comfortable doing this?

Certainly.

Let me see a little.

A little what?

Intimidation. Right now?

Please.

Oh, okay.

Who should I intimidate?

Dr. Burton.

You, sir, have committed a fraud.

Refund our money or there will be serious consequences.

I'm not intimidated.

Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?

Still not intimidated.

No one ever told you that you resemble a young Cary Grant.

That is, of course, if Cary Grant had been a black man in a wheelchair.

Please tell me you didn't buy any more pies.

I didn't buy more pies. You bought more pies. Yes, a lot more.

Shirley, I told you to return the ones we already had.

I got a better deal.

You got a better deal. Yes, the pie lady gave me an even steeper discount than I

got on the first batch. At this price, the pies were well nigh irresistible.

the hell is this pie lady? What is she, some kind of pie hypnotist?

Yo, you know what? You need to get home, girl, and help Paul sit down.

I will contact homegirl and me.

Hey, listen, Sparky, you really got to help me set up for tonight. Which level

of lighting do you think is most romantic?

This?

This?

This?

Or this?

What do you think about this?

Get your hand off my thigh.

I like this.

This is good, right?

It's fantastic.

Salesman.

What do you think about this shirt, huh? What do you think about this bad boy?

No way.

Hawaiian shirts are in.

Yeah, you look like Mr.

Furley. Yeah.

You're taking her anyway.

That's it?

Yeah, but you can't go right to dinner. You need an icebreaker first.

What? You know, an activity. Something to loosen you up. You ever watch those

dating shows?

They don't just go out to eat. They go skydiving or play highlier.

Break the ice.

Break the ice there, pal.

We've been friends for years.

I think you're making a huge mistake.

Oh, I'll be fine there, Lefty. Here, let me wear this shirt. Is this something?

I'd love to continue this conversation, but I'm afraid I'm not homosexual.

How's your lobster?

Great. Mine too.

Great.

Hey, say, you think when a lobster prays to God, he envisions God like this

really big, huge lobster in the sky?

Probably not the sky, no.

Oh, right.

Lobsters need water to breathe.

We're talking about an omnipotent lobster. He can probably breathe

wants.

Dreaming?

You comfortable?

Uh -huh.

Did I get you a beverage?

No, I'm good.

Really? Because, you know, I got this hip new kind of flavored vodka. You

it's supposed to taste like tequila.

Begging the question, why wouldn't you just, you know, drink tequila, you know?

A question for which there is truly no good answer.

I had a really good time tonight.

Sure.

But I'm a little tired.

It's only 9 .30.

I should go home.

Because you're tired.

Sorry. No, no, please, you know.

No, when you're tired, you're tired.

So I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

I should go home.

Good night. On guard. Oh, yes, on guard.

Right.

go to law school? Went to Stanford. It's a great, great time. Oh, wow.

I'm impressed. It's a fantastic school.

Hey, best in Connecticut.

In Stanford, not Stanford.

Oh, what about Yale?

Yale's in Connecticut.

Yeah, six of one, half dozen the other. They're both terrific.

Say hello to the world's cutest dachshund. This is Mr.

Bojangles. Actually, we're attorneys.

Oh, so perhaps a Doberman instead?

I love the lawyer jokes.

You know, my favorite is the one.

How did the... Yeah, I'm blanking. But it's something about a shark and

professional courtesy or something. Okay.

Mr. Mandel, I represent Dr. and Mrs. Burton. You sold them a dog recently.

Now, the Burtons are seeking compensatory damages in the amount of

you misrepresented the dog. You sold them. Mr. Mandel, you represented a

of dog.

That turned out not to be the quality of dogs that you sold the Burtons.

So they'd like $850 back to compensate for that misrepresentation.

I don't know what all this Broadway ballyhoo is about, but if the Burtons

really unhappy, bring back Butch and I'll give them back their money.

Great, wrap it up and we'll take it.

Actually... My clients prefer to keep the dog and get the refund. Wrap it up

we'll take it to the garbage and throw it out. Our clients want to keep the dog

and get a refund.

Sorry, no doggy can do. Why not? Because once you let one doggy lick himself,

then they'll all start doing it. You know something?

That is so true.

We had this little Pomeranian named Gus, and I'm telling you, that little guy

used to go to town down there any time he... Fred!

Sorry.

It's not a story from its company.

I won't give them the money and the dog. Fine.

Then I guess we'll speak again soon.

So... Anybody up for lunch at Bennigan's?

You figured out what you're going to say to her yet? Yeah, I'm going to say,

lady, take your damn pies back.

You want me to handle the negotiations?

Negotiations? That's how the chick on CNN says it.

Here she comes, fellas.

Hit it, hit it, hit it. I better stay. You don't have a lot of street smarts

an African -American.

I'm looking for Shirley. She said there's a problem.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby, but there won't be no Shirley today.

So you step it up to some major league pitching now. Be a little harder when

cross the Mendoza line with Eli Cartwright. God, he's the third on the

So, what's the problem?

What'd you say your name was again?

Jennifer Young.

Jennifer.

Don't be so coy, Jennifer.

The number 83 is the problem.

I mean, we as humans are designed to buy and sell things in certain increments.

Two, three, six, even a dozen.

83.

Come on, now. That number 83 sounds like someone's taking advantage of my little

Shirley, if you ask me.

How many pies do you want to keep?

The customers love them.

Seven? Great. I'll take 76 back.

Here's your money. Where are my pies?

You think Willie Butch understands that I'm a human, or do you think he just

thinks I'm a giant dog who's really talented?

Why would he think you're really talented?

Well, he sees me walking on two legs, speaking English. Earlier, he saw me

operate Windows 98. I think I'm impressing the hell out of him.

Let me ask you guys something.

I'm not a hideous -looking man, am I?

Eddie, what are you talking about? You're adorable.

Sounds like somebody didn't get any schmoodle the other night.

Schmoodle? Is that what guys are calling it these days? You can pretty much say

anything there. Somebody didn't get any flabidity fluts. See?

I married you. Why?

It's painful, as it is to admit.

Little Dr. Phil over there is actually right. I sure didn't get any flabbity

schmoodle the other night.

Fability floods.

See, why would Carol want to stay over?

Eddie, you and Carol together. You know, it takes some getting used to.

It's like when McDonald's introduced the McDLT. Nobody knew what the hell to do

right away.

Hot side hot, cool side cool. That was confusing.

If I'm not mistaken, I believe the McDLT failed.

I think what Nancy's trying to say is that men are from Mars and women are

Venus. No, that's not what I'm trying to say. I know, but if I act like a dope,

we'll shorten the conversation.

No, maybe this thing doesn't work, you know? It's like we're not clicking

somehow.

Eddie, you and Carol spent the last three years...

metaphorically and literally dressing up as knights in shining armor for each

other. I mean, it's a lot to live up to.

Yeah, I guess so.

Everything will be solved once you two finally get together in Shaloo -bee

That one doesn't really work.

It's too much like Scooby -Doo. Yeah?

I need to know what the heck you're doing with Ed.

What? Nancy told me you didn't stay over at his house.

Why is this everybody's business?

Hey, hey, I have had to sit through three years of boring psychological

Don't even think for a second that you were going to cut me out of the juicy

part. Look, I didn't stay over at his house. It's no big deal, okay?

Yes, it is a big deal.

And as a great guy, the two of you are finally together. You should be doing it

like Badger.

Badger, I meant funny.

I can't.

Why not?

Because. Because why?

Because it won't live up to the hype.

Hype? What hype?

The hype, the hype, the expectations.

Three years of ups and downs and ins and outs and the waiting, my God, and all

culminates in this one moment. It's just too much. I can't take it.

Care to expound?

Yeah.

When you put it like that.

Carol, this is the one.

For once in your life, stop thinking.

And stop talking.

It's going to be fine. Trust me.

Hey.

Why wouldn't I?

I can bowl anytime I want.

Let's face it, that's the real reason I bought the alley?

Uh -huh.

It's not the reason you bought the bowling alley.

It isn't?

No.

The reason you bought the bowling alley is because that night you came to

Stuckyville?

And you and I stood by the pond?

That and the fact I can bowl anytime I want.

Come with me.

A surprise for you.

Oh, this is delicious fried chicken.

It's a family recipe.

Really?

If I didn't know you could make fried chicken like this, I would have come to

town out of the blue, tracked you down, and pursued your relentlessly for three

years.

I got it at the deli.

But it's always a family recipe.

It is.

Not my family.

Nice.

Very honest.

Ed. Yeah.

I'm really sorry about the other night.

What about the other night?

At your house.

Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

It's me.

Okay, all right. I know what you're talking about. You don't have to

I think I was just...

Jitters, you know.

It's fine, really, it's fine. It is.

It's fine, I understand.

Ed. Mm -hmm?

Do you know what I'm thinking right now?

How does arena football stay in business?

I don't know.

When will the Cold War come to an end? Uh -uh.

Why would Newt Gingrich's parents name a baby Newt?

It's going to go on forever, right? It's who I am.

I was thinking that whereas the other night I was feeling very jittery, right

now I'm feeling very, very un -jittery.

Really?

Well, then, you know what I'm thinking right now?

With the cap of North Dakota, I am not as good at this as you are.

I'm thinking, come with me.

You're sure about this, right? I mean, because I don't want you to do anything

you're not sure about.

Well, Ed... Actually, you know what?

Forget it. Let's not even discuss this. I'm just being polite. Because it's a

formality, I think. It's a mere formality. Because I think you're sure,

I mean, you're sure. Of course you're sure. You're sure. You're sure.

You're sure. You're smiling.

Why are you smiling? You're smiling. You're smiling because you're sure.

smiling because you're sure. You're sure. You're sure.

She's sure!

Oh.

What? What if I'm not sure?

I am, I'm sure.

It's kind of awkward, isn't it? Oh, no.

Not awkward at all.

What if we don't...

Are you saying it was bad?

I'm saying it wasn't amazing.

How could it not be amazing? I don't know, Molly. It's like you have all the

ingredients for the world's greatest Thanksgiving dinner, and you cook all

food exactly the way you should, but for some reason the turkey comes out dry,

and the gravy's all starchy.

Have you two ever actually tried to use gravy? Because I hear it can be

really...

You're wrapping me now?

This isn't sex in the city. It's my life, and it's falling apart.

Okay, your life is not falling apart.

It's easy for you to say.

Carol, stop thinking.

Carol, don't talk so much.

Carol, it'll all be fine. Trust me. Just go and have some really bad sex with

Ed. Because that's Jordan's shaky list.

I never said that last part.

It was implied.

By the way, it's sex and the city. You said sex in the city.

All right, go ahead.

What did you say?

What could I say? I said it was really amazing. No, it wasn't amazing. Right,

was completely un -amazing, but she said that was amazing, so I said that was

really amazing.

Wow. Yeah.

This is one of my patients gave me this little pamphlet he got in Hong Kong.

It's kind of a gag gift, but we're trying a few of the moves. Guy, you and

both know my performance in the sack is not an issue.

How would I know that? It's not about technique, okay? It's about chemistry.

It's about chemistry.

Let's go back. I'm still not comfortable with that other sentence.

How could it be after three years of anticipation, nay, 20 years of

anticipation, we get together and... Duh.

I don't mean to harp on this, but can we just be clear that I have no actual

knowledge base for you in bed?

What's the matter with you? I just don't like that hanging there. It kind of

gives me the heebie -jeebies.

Hey, what are you talking about?

I was just saying... We're just talking about the case.

Come on, let's get going.

Tell me later. Yep.

I'm thinking about getting one of those Mike Tyson face tattoos, you know? Just

kind of shake things up a little.

Now, I've been experiencing some ennui.

Damn, these women know how to make pie.

Maybe I should legally change my name to Gordy for a while.

We're out of pies.

Are you kidding?

We went through seven pies in three days?

They're selling like hotcakes, except they're pies.

They are pies with the selling power of hotcakes. It's the best of all worlds.

I want you to get Jennifer Young, pie lady extraordinaire, on the line. I want

to order another dozen of pies.

And that's 12 pies. A dozen.

Not 83.

Roger that. Hey.

Why do they call them hotcakes anyway? They're not hot. They're not cakes.

Yes, they are.

They are.

Man, I thought I had the beginning of a great stand -up back there.

Damn.

Is it possible, Mr. Mandel, that somehow a mistake was made and the Burton's dog

is not a full -bred wire -haired terrier?

Hey.

You're dealing with dogs in heat.

When it comes time to mate, they don't much care whether they're partnered with

a dog of their own breed or a 68 Impala.

But you do keep the wire -haired terriers together.

Ten bucks if you call the judge, Sally.

I never saw anything like that. I'm in the middle of a case. I'm in the middle

of your case.

Ten bucks, huh? That's correct.

And what did you offer to do? I told the Burtons that if they were unhappy with

the dog, they should return it for a full refund.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Stevens.

Yes, sir.

Mr.

Mandel, do you know a man named John Campotaro?

You don't have to look at your lawyer.

Mr. Mandel, you know whether you know him.

Yes, he owns a puppy farm. Puppy farm.

Sales dogs to pet stores.

Generally, they're dogs that are lower quality than those of our breeders,

correct? Yes.

Is it true that you purchase some of these lower -bred dogs from Compotaro's

Puppy Farms to sell as your own, in addition to selling your own breeds?

I'm more than happy to have Mr. Compotaro come in and testify if need

Yes, but I only sell a few of those, and I always tell the customer and charge

accordingly. Always.

Interesting.

How many times in the past year have you received complaints from people who

believe they're buying a top -bred dog only to discover they're buying a dog of

lower breeding? I can't tell you. I tracked down 16 in the past year alone.

guessing there were more. So what?

I always offered a full refund.

And of the 16 I tracked down, I wonder how many took you up on that offer.

None, Mr. Mandel. Zero.

Well, I guess they got attached to their dogs. Not my fault. They got attached.

They got attached.

You know...

They do get attached, don't they?

Which is why you always wait a full week before offering the refund so they'll

get attached and won't take you up on that offer. Isn't that true, Mr. Mandel?

Nothing further.

Thank you, Sally.

Did you just call me Sally?

No.

All rise.

Be seated.

Mr. Mandel.

I believe that you are intentionally passing off dogs from Capletero's puppy

farm as your own.

And did so in the Burton case.

This court orders you to pay the Burtons $850.

Jennifer,

make her a pie.

Shirley tells me you want to place an order.

Oh, no, I don't want to. I have to. My lunch and my dinner crowd have been

picking up since I've been serving them Little Devil. How many do you want? I

just want a dozen. I'm sorry.

Where are you going? I'm selling in blocks of a hundred.

What? See, we humans, we're designed to buy in increments, and these pies are

selling in increments of a hundred. So what you're saying is if I don't buy a

hundred pies, you're not going to sell me any pies.

I'm Monty Hall.

You're a contestant. Behind door number one is a hundred pies.

Behind door number two is zero pies. Behind door number three is I start

my pies to your competitors.

What am I going to do with a hundred pies?

Freeze them, thaw them, tell them.

Yo, that is pie blackmail.

Old Eli Cartwright Goggins III is on the mound now. I'm just struggling to get

my pretty little self over the Mendoza line.

All right, Miss Jennifer Young.

You got old Eli this time. All right, give me 100 pies.

And don't go pulling them out all slow either.

One, two, three.

That's like a dude with a slow home run trap.

Five.

Six.

I told you you should let me handle the negotiations.

How about I put my shoe up your butt? Well, how would you even do that? I'll

my hand. Okay.

You've been bowling a lot lately.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I love bowling.

Straightforward. You know, roll the ball, knock down the pins.

Conflict and resolution in every frame.

Ed. Yeah.

The other night... No.

I don't have to say it.

We both know it.

Oh.

Oh.

This isn't working, is it? Not swimmingly, no.

Yeah.

You know, when I was in fifth grade, there was a Stingray

bicycle in the window of the bike shop.

Gold banana seat, black pom -poms on the handlebars. I wanted that bike so

badly. It killed me.

And after some very serious and persistent begging, my father finally

me, and I was thrilled.

When I got it home and took it out for that very first ride, I kind of realized

it was just an ordinary bike.

On the bike?

On a bike that didn't live up to your expectations?

No.

You think it's possible that you and I were just meant to be friends?

I don't know.

Yeah.

There's a problem.

What?

The problem is I don't think I can be friends with you.

Why? Because I already got plenty of friends.

What?

empty sentiment that's what passes for love these

days and

it won't take a miracle darling just keep it real

this world can make us cynical darling I know how it feels

you took it too hard to say it on

That's what passes for love.

Guess what I did today?

What's that?

I taught Willie Butch to talk.

Is that right?

Yep, I did. Check it out. Hey, Willie Butch, talk to me, okay? Talk, talk.

Hey, Mike, listen.

Seriously, aren't you glad that you got me? I'm so cute and adorable.

I'm not to call me Mike.

Well, why can't I call you Mike?

It's not appropriate. I'm your master.

What should I call you then?

Can I call you Daddy?

What do you think? Can I call you Daddy?

Call me Dr.

Burton. Let me call you Daddy.

Well, stop pooping in the house.

Well, in that case, come on over here, son.

Oh, hey.

He's piddling right on me. Really? What'd you know?

He lied right to my face.

Is that poop? You didn't say piddles.

I just implied it.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

Remember the whole maybe we were just meant to be friends thing?

Yeah. We were never to speak of that again. Never. It was forbidden.

Yes, they do. I think we just took care of that pretty well.

Why was this time like this time and last time was like last time?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I guess this time we had nothing to lose.

That night, Googled how to satisfy your woman.

So, don't you say we're one and one?

Oh, yeah.

You want to make it two out of three?

Let's go best out of seven.

A hundred.

The entire nation can lose its innocence.

One,

two, three, hit it. The new season of American Dreams.

You and Sam.

What is that supposed to mean? You're not going on that show.

I don't recommend this arrangement.

I'm leaving Banstead. With guest star American Idol Kelly Clarkson.

The new season of American Dreams starts Sunday 8, 7 central on NBC.