Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey.

This is the exact spot.

What?

My first night I came back to Stucky about three years ago.

This is where we were.

Make any interesting decisions lately?

Yes, I have.

By your side Watching the wide world riot

And hiding out I'll be coming home next year

So, let me get this straight.

Molly stole Carol's diary? Yes. And she read it to you? Part of it, yes.

What's Carol doing keeping a diary? I mean, who is she, Jan Brady?

Nothing wrong with that. I keep a journal myself, as you well know. You

shouldn't, too. Oh, we're cutting to my TV watching time. Besides, I can't see

myself writing to your diary. I don't write to your diary.

I'm sure you don't. So tell me, why did Molly commit this act of grand lust? She

thinks I'm in denial about Carol's feelings for me, and I gotta tell you,

she's... She's right. You know, it was a lot easier when I could pretend the

feelings weren't real, but after hearing all the stuff she's written about me, I

got a faith, I got a decision.

Like I've been saying all along. Of course, provided that the Frankie option

still even available.

Oh, so you haven't heard from her, huh?

No, she's still in Houston with good old Leon.

Well, my friend, sounds like you better figure out what the hell you're doing.

Yeah, I know.

Dear diary, Carol or Frankie, whoever will it be, let me see. Please stop

talking.

What's this meeting about?

The Stucky Bowl 75th birthday party.

Oh, why do we have to plan that? Why can't we just get Colin Cowie?

Who's Colin Cowie? He's Hollywood's top event planner. He said there's a massive

bash for William Dafoe.

Willem. What?

Willem. I don't know what that means.

All right, look, Ed is counting on us. So we got to do this party real fast and

we only have a few days.

Shirley, you're in charge of the music. I need you to find me a good cover band.

I once saw a group in Jasper Town that played Beatles and Eagle songs. They

called the Beagles.

Oh, boo, keep on looking, all right?

Hey, Stubbs, can you get us some fireworks? Yeah, what kind do you want?

cones, sparklers, spinners, Roman candles, phantom racers, ninja masters,

dancing devils, typhoon blasters, midnight thrillers, gorilla killers,

Dillers, Barney Millers, Wojo. All right, look, whatever your goofy ass

I'm in charge of food and invitations. Hey, I got somebody for your list,

Gonda. Oh, come on, not that again. No, you know you'll like her. Just ask her

to be your date. All right, all right, just fall back before I slap the stupid

out your head. It's not even original. He got that from Cedric the Entertainer.

Oh, hey, Carol.

Ed, hi.

You headed to school?

Yeah, you headed to court? Yeah.

Yeah.

All righty then.

How are you doing anyway, Carol? Are you okay?

I'm fine. You are? Yeah. You are? You're fine?

That's good. I'm glad.

You're glad that I'm fine? Yes, yes. You deserve to be fine. I do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're a teacher for the love of Pete. I don't

you nearly enough for the work you do every day, you know, for the kids, for

future of this country. Thank you.

Thank you.

Why are you acting like this?

Like what?

Like a buffoon.

I'm sorry. I don't... See, I don't know how to... I mean, I don't mean... I just

don't know. I'm sorry.

Ed.

Molly read me your diary.

What? No, just the parts about me. Oh, my God. No, no, don't freak out. Don't

freak out. Nothing embarrassing. Nothing embarrassing. Strictly PG. Not even PG

-13. Just PG. Not even PG. Just G. The proof of general audience. Is that so?

Molly just wanted me to... I can't. I cannot.

How could you?

How could you?

I'm going to have to call you back.

You seem upset.

Oh, very good. You must be psychic. Now, what reason could I possibly have to be

upset? Okay, please sit down and let me try and explain this. Oh, please.

Explain.

I threw a Hail Mary.

What? What is that?

What about sitting?

I'm too upset to sit.

Carol, I saw Ed slipping away from you. There were like two seconds left in the

game, and I felt like I had to resort to something drastic, so I sent everybody

into the end zone, and I threw up a Hail Mary.

That is a completely unacceptable explanation.

What did he say?

Why do you have to renovate the attic?

We're adding a bedroom for George's mother.

Oh, she's moving in.

Yes, and I'm thrilled to have her, but I'm not looking forward to all of that

construction.

You know, I should put you in touch with the contractor we use for our kitchen.

Oh, yeah?

Named Zupko.

I don't know if that's his first name or his last name. He's from one of those

funny countries somewhere, but he's amazing.

Promise you'll email me his number?

I will.

It's Z -U -P, Kegel.

Why are these dinner parties always so lame?

Maybe humans are just boring.

It's better when we're all busy hunting and gathering back to nobody in time to

show their pictures of their trips to Legoland.

Hey, Mike, I think those motorists are in trouble.

Motorists? Yeah, that was kind of weird, wasn't it?

You

okay?

We got a flat and we have no jack.

Oh, we have a jack. Really?

Great.

So, where are you guys from?

We're seniors at Glenmark College.

Oh, cool.

I'll sit, ladies.

Wow, that was fast.

I was an intern at Jiffy Lube.

Well, thanks again.

Kidding. There's no internships at Jiffy Lube. That'd be ridiculous.

Hey, you girls get home safe.

Hey, there's a party tomorrow night at our dorm. If you guys want to come, we'd

love to give you a thank you beer.

Thanks, but we're old.

Speak for yourself.

I'm kidding. I'm old, too.

If you change your mind, we're in Hill Hall.

Good night.

That bomb was hot.

And there goes any chance you had of having sex with me tonight.

Frankie, you're back.

Yeah.

Good.

How's Houston?

Good.

Good?

Warm there now? Spring -like temperatures.

Oh, that's... That's Danny. Not a person alive. Doesn't like spring -like

temperatures.

And Leon?

You saw Leon?

Yep, saw him.

Good. How was that?

You know, fine.

Well, great.

Spring -like temperatures, Leon.

Sounds like you had yourself a home -run weekend.

Excuse me, I'm gonna get a coffee.

My life's going great.

Let's have a picnic.

What? Let's have a picnic.

Grab a couple of salads. Go to the park for no reason.

I have to finish this brief.

No, no, no. Why eat indoors when we can eat outdoors?

Come on, what do you say?

Thank you. I'm fine here. I really think we need to have a picnic.

What's wrong with you?

Wrong with me? Nothing.

Nothing's wrong with me. Nothing's wrong with me. I just think, frankly, I'm

making a perfectly good argument for having a picnic when the burden of proof

lies squarely on the shoulders of the person who doesn't want to have a

What does that even mean?

Let's have a picnic.

Didn't I tell you this would be great?

Kind of windy.

It's not that windy. It's kind of a delightful breeze, really.

It's too cold to have a picnic.

Oh, it's not too cold to have a picnic. The Eskimos have picnics in temperatures

much colder than this. I'm not sure about that.

Well, they do. Here, have some serving potatoes to out.

Thank you for coming.

It's always an honor to meet a man of your profession.

To me, fireworks are more than just pretty lights. They're closest we ever

to touching the face of the Lord himself.

What do you need, sir?

Just to give you some idea.

You understand, sir, it's one of the biggest displays of all time.

The Gruchies did that for $1 .7 million.

What, are you trying to hondle me now?

Why, what, sir? Two minutes in, he's trying to hondle me. What can you do for

bucks? For 50 bucks?

I can go like this.

So we have more than 50, Eli.

Would you let me bargain with the man?

Will you meet me at 51?

Good luck, fellas.

Wait, sir.

No, no, no. Let him go. Let him go. He doesn't deserve us.

Hey, Eli.

Check it out.

Miss Vivian is in the house.

Time to make your move.

You know, you are the world's most annoying dude.

Come on, man. I just saved us $1 .7 million.

I have a few carefully chosen things I'd like to say, and I'd appreciate it if I

could say them without interruption.

Okay.

For the last few days, I have been throwing myself at you, and this has

many different forms, not the least of which being me telling you that I am, in

fact, throwing myself at you.

This has made me feel a whole new emotion I've never experienced before

like to label jackassiness.

Carol, you don't have to explain. I'm not done yet. Right. Sorry.

The cherry on top of the humiliation sundae, of course, would be my best

stealing. My private journals and reading my most intimate thoughts to

which... Carol, Molly did... Right.

Which leads me to one simple question.

Which is?

Molly said she thought you had a decision to make.

Can you tell me you're 100 % certain you do not want to be with me?

Because if you can, say it now and I will walk right out that door.

It's complicated.

I'll take that.

I'm walking out the door, but it's a different kind of wall. It's not what I

said. It's a... This is the jackassiness feeling I'm having.

Oh, here we are, Hill Hall.

It's really weird.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Mike, I don't know about this.

Oh, relax, honey. This is going to be great.

See this? This is a real party. These people are just pretending to have fun.

These people are having actual fun. Yeah, I don't know if I remember how to

actual fun. That's why we're here.

Oh, my God. Hey.

This is awesome.

Come on, we'll introduce you to everybody.

First, introduce us to the cake.

All right. Let's get this party started. Woo!

Hey.

You can not. I'm telling you, I totally can't.

No way. I don't believe you. No, I'm telling you, I can do it. Can he really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I can hope he doesn't. Yeah.

Come on, let's see.

Uh -huh.

All right. Yes, please.

Go White!

Go White!

Go White! Go White! It's your birthday!

It's your birthday!

Go White!

Go White! It's your birthday!

It's your birthday!

Come on, you big goofball. I don't dance. You know that.

You just did.

That's breaking. That's different.

Fine.

Let's go, Carrie.

You guys are hilarious. I wish you were in school here. Oh, you know, I just

might sign up for a course or two. I'm too late to learn Japanese.

That's the life.

Frankie. I need to talk to you.

About what? In private.

Let's go behind the lanes.

Why don't we just go to the office? I'm going to be gesticulating a great deal

and people will see me through the window. What are you going to be

gesticulating? Can we wait until we get behind the lanes?

Okay.

I don't want to do this anymore. What?

You don't want to do what? Pout for effect.

What? Yes, yes, I've been pouting in order to make a point and this strategy

does not fit well for someone with my personality.

What point? Do you know what a golden doodle is?

Golden doodle?

No. It's a new... kind of dog. It's a cross between a golden retriever and a

poodle. All right. A golden retriever is always going to be a golden retriever,

and a poodle is always going to be a poodle. And either way, you're never

to be a golden doodle, no matter how hard you try.

This is the point you're trying to make? No, the point I'm trying to make is

that if you want a golden doodle, go find a golden doodle, because I am never

going to be a golden doodle. I don't even know what a golden doodle is. Leon

called me.

He wants me to fly back to Houston and give things another try.

And? And I really...

I want to be here with you, but not if you want me to be a golden doodle,

because as I previously stated, I'm never going to be that.

I'm having trouble understanding the golden doodle thing. I'm not going to

compete with Carol Betsy.

Frankie, I don't want you to compete with... And I'm on a plane tomorrow

to Houston, unless you give me a reason to stay.

How do I do that?

Make up your mind.

Once and for all.

Hey, look who's here. It's Mommy.

Top of the morning to you, Mommy.

Oh, boy, it's Mommy. We'll annihilate you. Oh, you're going to feel fine.

drink this.

Hair of the dog.

Ugh, take that away. Take it away.

All right, I'm off to work.

Oh, honey, Stacy invited us into one of those party sites.

Can I assume you're in?

You got to be kidding.

Why? We had a great time.

Oh, Mike, don't be ridiculous.

Once it's enough, there's no way I'm going back there.

But it's luau night.

Besides, Sarah and I are going over to my parents' tonight.

Oh, right, right.

All right, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Up here.

Carol!

Hey. Good morning.

You're in a tree.

Yes, I am.

Why are you in a tree?

Because for the last couple of days, you've had me out on a limb.

Out on a limb?

Yeah, and it's no fun being out on a limb, and I'm not particularly good at

You're not actually out on a limb. You realize that, right? I got scared.

The point is, I don't know how much longer I can stay out on a limb.

I need you to let me down.

Literally? No.

I need you to decide what your deal is and soon.

I know.

I understand.

You made your point.

Good.

So let me down. I will. I promise. I just need to sort a few things out. Ed.

Yeah. Literally. Let me down.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mike? Stacey.

Hey. What are you doing?

Just stopped by to say hi.

Found you in the phone book.

Oh. Well, cool. Hi.

So this is your office, huh?

Yeah, this is where all the magic happens.

If you want to call throat cultures magic.

The splinter removals. We get a lot of splinters in here.

Dr. Burton?

So, did you have fun last night?

Yeah. Yeah, I had a blast.

Want to repay me?

How?

Jenny and I have this brutal chemistry exam.

Come up with study.

Me? You're a doctor. You know chemistry, right?

Excuse me, Dr.

Burton. I do hate to interrupt, but I need you in the exam room.

Could you please take your thumb out of your ass and join me?

Thank you.

Good day, miss.

Guess I better let you go.

Yeah.

Leave me your number.

Oh, Eli.

Oh, Eli.

What's up?

What are you going to ask her out or am I going to have to make you? How are you

going to make me?

It's easy. I'll put you on a rope and some pulleys like the dead guy at

at Bernie's. Oh, you really want to be down, don't you? Fine, forget it. I'll

ask her myself.

What? You're saying it's a shame to let such a fine specimen of female

pulchritude go to waste.

Ovidian, sit your ass down.

That's my Eli.

Hey, Vivian. How you doing?

I'm good, Eli. How about you? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Hey, listen.

I just wanted to know, would you like to come with me to the Stucky Bowl party?

I'm sorry, Eli. I can't. Nah.

But thank you.

That's all good. It probably going to be worth nothing anyway.

All right.

I'll holler at you.

All right, very good, very good. You guys are on fire.

All right, Jenny, Avogadro's number. Give it to me.

Avogadro's number, 6 .022 times 10 to the 23rd. That's right, and it's the

number of what, Stacy?

Particles in the mole. That's correct.

Yes. All right, that work's done here. You guys are totally going to ace this

thing. Hey, Mike, are you forgetting something?

What's that?

Luau night.

Luau night?

I don't know.

You're coming. I don't know.

The secret to a perfectly roasted pig is constant rotation.

Constant rotation.

Woo!

Tiny bubbles in the wine makes me

feel happy, makes me feel fine.

What the hell is that?

Are you kidding?

That's legendary Don Holmes to Waikiki himself.

What's the matter with you?

Let's hear some more.

Oh, that's all I know.

What? Yeah, I learned it from one of those K -Tel record commercials. I only

ever heard like eight seconds of the song.

How can you bust on Weaver not knowing anything? You're right.

You're right. I apologize for misrepresenting the depth of my Don Ho

babe.

I forgive you.

Thanks for walking me home. Sure, no problem. Thanks for the party.

So, I think you should come up and hang out.

Oh, man.

Come on.

I can't.

I think you can.

I, uh, I think I should go while it's still humanly possible.

Are you sure?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Good night.

Gentlemen, thank you for your interest in performing at the Stucky Bowl 75th

birthday party. Please state the name of your combo.

The Warren Cheswick Experience.

A few brief background questions.

Would you each please identify your favorite Beatle?

John. Paul.

George.

George. And your all -time favorite recording artist?

Let's have him.

Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

Phil Collins, except no substitutes.

If hired for the party, you will be expected to play requests on short

Please now perform Everybody Plays the Fool by The Main Ingredient.

Everybody plays.

What do they play?

The fool.

Everybody plays the fool.

But if you are in school, you better be a fool.

And so on. First verse.

You're hired, gentlemen.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

What's going on? What you doing?

Ah, not a whole heck of a lot. Just trying to make the toughest decision of

life, that's all.

Wanton or hot and sour?

Most of my tough decisions involve Chinese food.

There's always occasional exception, like tonight.

Tonight? What was tonight?

Well, I, um... Mike.

I almost cheated on Nancy.

What? You remember those college girls?

Yeah, from the party?

Yeah, there was this one girl, Stacy.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Please tell me nothing happened. Nothing, nothing, nothing

happened, but there's a part of me that really wanted it to.

You serious?

Yeah. I'm serious.

I love my wife.

I love my daughter.

I love being a husband and a father. It's great.

But there's a...

Something about being a 19 -year -old dupe with nothing to worry about except

remembering the name of my fake ID is Benjamin Horowitz.

You know?

Sometimes, that's all.

You're the chatroom guy.

Eric Saperstein 2307, I presume?

Yeah.

So you're looking for fireworks.

You got the candy?

I got the spizzle.

What? If you have fireworks and I'd like to buy them with money. Well, then,

let's do some business.

I don't know if what you got's any good.

Dude, these fireworks are imported from Brazil.

They make American fireworks look like they belong at the kids' table.

Well, as I said to the guy who sold me my George Foreman grill, you got me.

Oh, yeah. Hit me.

Oh!

You know what it is, Mike?

She made you feel like a kid again. Come on, please.

Please don't reduce my life to a cliche.

I'm telling you, man, there's no romance like teenage romance.

There's no love quite like the simple, dumb, blinding love of a teenage crush.

We just changed the subject?

Yeah. Sorry.

It's okay.

So what's on your mind? What are you thinking?

Well, this whole stage thing actually reminds me of Carol.

What? Well, think back to how young I was when I fell in love with Carol. I

15 years old. I hadn't even spoken to her yet.

So?

So, for three years now, Carol's been telling me that she can't be with me

because I put her on a pedestal like she's some kind of idealized dream girl.

Well, what if she's right?

What if she's been right all along?

How do you like the sandwich?

Good.

Any comments, questions?

Nope. Aha!

That turkey is a buck a pound cheaper than our regular turkey. And since you

can't tell the difference, we've not only got ourselves some delicious new

turkey, but also some delicious new savings.

I went to Luau tonight.

What? I went to Luau tonight.

At the college?

Yeah. I was with you when I went to your parents. Stacey came to my office and

asked me to help her and her friend study.

So I did.

You know, next thing I knew, we were at Luau tonight.

Okay, Michael, I'm going to ask you to sit back down.

Anything you'd like to tell me about Luau Knight?

There's a big pig. Mike?

Nothing happened, okay?

Nothing happened, but almost did.

Well, I'm seriously in need of a definition of almost.

End of the night, I walked Stacy back to her dorm.

She kind of moved in for a kiss.

I didn't do it.

You didn't?

No.

Why not?

Because it wouldn't have been worth it.

You're crazy.

Girl was a babe and a half.

Believe me, I know.

But there's nothing compared to my wife, who's a babe and three quarters.

It's a good thing, honey.

Eli, where'd you get those hats?

Oh, come on.

You got to start talking to me sometime.

We love each other.

We do. We love each other.

You know, listen, man. I told you I wasn't ready to talk to no girl, but you

kept on yapping away.

Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip. Like one of them little foo -foo dogs with a

$40 hairdo that'll grab your leg and won't let go.

That's why I'm crying, because I'm not following you.

Dude, a woman as fine as Vivian Garner will not talk to a guy in a wheelchair.

Well, how do you know it's the wheelchair? Maybe she just doesn't like

What? Think about it. You don't have a great personality. I don't think you're

particularly attractive man.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold up. Fall back.

Before this happened to me, there wasn't a woman alive that could resist the rap

of Eli Cartwright Goggins III.

Yeah, yeah, I keep hearing about the rap. And what was your big line here?

Would you like to go to the Stucky Bowl party with me? Very creative. You're

missing the point, man. Not even William Shakespeare could smooth talk a woman

in one of these things, man. No, you're missing the point. Girls reject dudes.

That's what they do. And why does a girl reject a dude?

Maybe she don't like the sound of his voice. Maybe she don't like his threads.

And yes, maybe she don't like his wheelchair.

But we dudes.

So we pick ourselves up and we go back for more.

What? You talking like me, Nick?

Might have been.

Hey, what's going on?

I made a decision.

Yeah?

How'd Carol take the news?

I haven't told her yet.

You think you better get that over with?

Yeah, I better get that over with.

Let's go ahead.

Hey, Ed.

Yeah? If you don't come back alive, can I have this?

Yeah.

Hey, Molly, have you seen Carol? Uh, no, she's down.

What's going on?

Nothing. I just have to tell her something.

See ya.

I don't think I can take you being adorable right now.

I'm sorry.

I can't turn that off.

Like my body, move myself at last.

In the warm liquid, glow and glow and laugh.

Classical music, laughing mouth.

The ringing of my ears.

Am I waiting for the uncovering of simple paths

between the branches, flowering chance, thin slats

rattling, fingers pushing through, slowly brushing past a fast

glimpse of you?

Thank you, Jimmy. Welcome, everybody, to Stucky Bowl's 75th birthday.

Bill Brown looks pretty good for 75, huh? Although I think she could use a

of Botox between lanes 9 and 10.

Thank you, Jimmy. All right, the request lines are open. You say it, we play it.

Tears of a Clown.

You got it, Godfrey. Tears of a Clown from Motown.

To your town.

Hit it, boys.

Yeah, I don't know. I knew

a clown. His name was Emma.

Punched him in the stomach and he cried.

He had tears streaming down his face.

Oh, boo -hoo, you're just a little clown. You couldn't make the children

You had to make them cry.

And this is his own party. He's a lucky man.

Come on, let's dance.

Play it in dance.

Come on.

Yeah!

Now you?

A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for.

I spent three hours searching for the perfect quotation to inspire you. It was

either that one or the following gem from Groucho Marx.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Shirley, what does that have to do with anything?

Nothing. That's why I didn't choose it.

Now go.

If she likes him, I get the credit. You know that, right? I mean, you just can't

swoop in here at the last minute and expect to get the credit. I don't care

about credit. I just want Eli to be happy.

Credit.

Frankie.

I came to say goodbye.

What? You haven't given me a reason to stay.

Frankie.

Hey. Hey.

It's here.

Oh, boy.

What do you think he's doing? He got me.

You know, don't you?

I must never betray the confidence of his best friend.

Hello? Carol, where are you?

Yeah, we're all here at... Yeah, he's here. He's talking to Frankie.

Wait, Carol, hold on a second.

Is that Carol?

Yeah.

Carol, it's me.

Listen, we need to talk.

Take what I'm coming to you.

This is the exact spot.

What?

My first night I came back to Stucky about three years ago.

This is where we were.

All right.

Make any interesting decisions lately?

Guess I have.

You're not going to make me guess, are you?

First time I ever laid eyes on you?

It was ninth grade.

Mr. Rourke's biology class.

I looked across the room, and you were pouring water into a test tube.

You were wearing a blue shirt with white crisscross strings right down the

sides.

And the moment I saw you, I just went.

From the day I came back here to Stuckyville and I walked into your

ask you out and all the other times I asked you out since, you just kept

me the same thing over and over and over again.

I didn't fall in love with you, but rather some high school kid's fixated

version of you.

And when I thought about it, I thought about it, I thought about it, I thought

about it, I thought about it, and I decided.

You're right.

I didn't fall in love with you.

I fell in love with that girl wearing the blue shirt with the white crisscross

strings down the side that I never said a single word to in high school.

So I decided to be with Frankie.

So I went to look for you.

I went to look for you to tell you. I looked all over. I looked...

smiling, going, I looked at your high school, I looked at your house, I looked

all over, all over.

And a funny thing happened.

Everywhere I went, I saw us.

Laughing, crying, arguing.

And I realized, yeah, maybe I fell in love with that girl wearing the blue

with the white crisscross strings down the sides in high school, but now...

I love every part of you And we have to be together Can I please kiss you?

How can you honor the great women of comedy?

By giving them the whole night to be funny.

NBC Tuesday from Lucy to Carol, from Mary to Roseanne. 90 minutes of TV's

funniest females in their greatest moments.

But wait.

Julia Louis -Dreyfus is back in new episodes of Watching Ellie.

Us Weekly says there's not a funnier actress in television today.

The great women of TV comedy and all new Watching Ellie.

NBC Tuesday.

No.