Original subtitles

Previously on Ed. I lost my virginity. To a girl? To God's most perfect

creation, Stella Fessy. Why would she think Frankie knows about you and Carol?

She knows we were friends and I think she may have gathered there was

between us at one point. Last night I asked you to tell me about you and Carol

and you didn't say anything about the night suit or the video or the waffles.

Carol and I, we've been friends for a long time. What are we supposed to do,

just stop?

It doesn't seem realistic.

Neither does going out with someone and having a relationship like the one you

have with Carol. I want Ed.

I love him all.

Well, then you've got to go for it.

Thank you.

Carol.

What is this?

Three years ago, you put on a night suit for me.

I thought it was about time I returned the favor.

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Okay, then I'll simplify for you.

I can't live the rest of my life wondering what would have been between

Come here.

I'm not sure I can... Oh, no, it's hard to maneuver, you know, see?

There you go.

Look. Kara, I'd like to try to understand what's going on here, but I'm

if I do, my brain will explode out of my head, get all over the suit. I'll

charge you for cleaning.

It's not that hard to understand. I'm here.

I may be three years late, but I'm here.

Did you just chuckle? No.

You did. You just chuckled. Why did you just chuckle? I didn't chuckle. I

chuckled. I didn't mean to chuckle. No, I know you didn't mean to, but you did

just chuckle, and I think I have a right to know why. Because you're going

through the thing.

The thing? What thing? The thing. The thing.

The thing I went through when you were about to marry Dennis.

I appreciate this, Carol. I really do.

I gotta go.

You gotta... You gotta go?

You... You go?

I put on a suit of armor and stand outside of Stucky Bowl, which is very

nostalgically reminiscent of the time that you put on a suit of armor and

in my classroom, and all you could say to me is, you're going through the

and I gotta go?

Carol, this isn't real.

It is real.

It's not real.

You're telling me that when you got on the back of a horse and you tried to

break up my wedding, that wasn't real?

You think this is real.

But it's not real.

You don't want it to be real.

Watching the.

Frankie.

I made it myself.

It's a heart -shaped meatloaf.

Wow.

Ed? Yeah? Your window for oohing and aahing over my heart -shaped meatloaf is

starting to close. Oh, no.

It's amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I don't know what to say. Sit down. Dig in.

Potato?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

How crazy is this?

Just when things are starting to take off with Frankie, Carol goes and puts on

suit of armor and declares her undying love for me. Dad? Yeah? Please let me

shave.

No. I'm begging you to let me shave. All right, look, Jack, you want to become

the first person ever to lose one of the $10 bets? Fine, go ahead, shave, be my

guest. Otherwise, you and my friend...

I'm growing a mustache.

I'm starting to feel like a jackass. Yeah, I can't really argue with that.

It really was quite a sight, though. Carol Vesey in a suit of armor.

What did Frankie say?

I haven't actually gotten around to telling old Frankie yet.

Ah, so that'll go well.

Yeah.

So what are you going to do about all this? Nothing.

There's nothing to do.

Seems to me you've got a choice to make.

Frankie V. Carroll. Let's say V instead of versus, because I know you lawyer

types love that. Fellow, there's no choice to make. Carroll doesn't want me

of a sudden. She's not serious about this. You're not even thinking about it?

No, I'm not.

Don't I see me like you're wise and I don't know anything.

I am wise and you don't know anything.

Here's what you do, Maltz.

You get yourself a nine iron, you take a nice full backswing, and then you just

put me out of my misery. I don't own a nine iron. How about a metal rake? You

have one of those? Oh, yep, I have that.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be rejected while you're wearing a night

suit? No, I think that only you, Ed, and perhaps Sir Lancelot himself know that.

Worst part is, he didn't even take me seriously.

I'm so done with this.

Well, at least now you realize that this whole get Ed back thing was just a

whim. What?

Is that a whim? Of course it is, or else you wouldn't be giving up.

Don't. Start with me. I'm not starting anything.

I'm just, I'm simply saying if Ed is really as important to you as you say he

is, then you wouldn't be giving up. What are you doing?

Well, Carol, there's an old expression, perhaps you've heard it. If at first you

don't succeed, try, try again.

That was right after he was rejected in the night, too.

And I want you here with me From

tonight until the end of time You

used to know Everywhere I go

That was the mother of all meatloaves she made last night, I'll tell you.

Thank you.

Loaves.

Meatloaves. Loaves.

Meatloaves are fascinating, and that was a good one, I'll tell you.

Ed. Yeah. You're beginning to over -compromise the meatloaves. I'm sorry.

But it was delicious.

Who wants shoe trees?

Bert Kiffle.

Hey, Mr. Kiffle. How are you? So great to see you. Frank, I want you to meet

Kiffle. He owns Kiffle Shoes down on Bloomfield Avenue. Frankie Hector.

Hi.

Pleasure.

Yes, sir.

Behold something wonderful.

I'm making a movie.

You are?

The bank job, wow.

My attorney dropped out yesterday.

One of his kidneys went haywire or something. I need you to step in and

kind of look over the contracts and stuff.

Mr. Kiffin, you run a shoe store. How can you make a movie? There comes a time

in every man's life.

When he has to follow his own heart.

My heart was never in shoes.

Oh, yeah. I faked it pretty good, but I had to. That's the shoe game.

But my real love has always been the cinema.

Where did you get the script?

I wrote it myself.

I'm going to direct it myself.

You are? I'm using all my life savings to finance it myself.

Here's the best part.

Guess who I got?

To star in it. Who?

Mr. Michael Winslow.

Who?

Is that a VCR?

Yes. Maybe his reel will refresh your memory.

Perhaps you might recall a little film called Police Academy?

Oh, yeah. The guy who makes the sound effects. Right, right.

Phil Stubbs, did I just hear you say you're making a movie with Michael

That's right.

That man has more talent in his left stone than the rest of us will see in

lifetime. What are you in for?

I'll show you.

I asked you, how?

Oh, Leon called me.

Really? How is he?

He just left a message on the machine.

Oh.

He said he missed me and wanted to talk.

Carol showed up at the bowling alley the other night wearing a suit of armor.

Pardon me?

What? Did you just say that Carol showed up in the bowling alley in a suit of

armor? It's crazy, isn't it?

How's your burger? Is that cooked enough for you? Why would she do that? What

did she say?

There's nothing to get excited about. No, I'm not excited, Ed. I'm extremely

curious, but I'm not excited. You seem a little excited. You're getting me

excited. Well, it's just a function of the nutty relationship Carol and I have,

you know, with each other.

She sees you and I getting closer, and she reacted. That's all. It's a

meaningless reflex.

Meaningless reflex.

Yeah, it's like me riding on the back of a horse, you know, to her wedding. It's

not thought out.

For the record, you on the back of a horse does not make me feel better.

Hey, you get the phone call from old Leon, I get Carol showing up in a night

suit. We'll deal with it.

Leon leaving me a message in Carol in a night suit or two.

Completely different things.

Listen, Frankie, I talked to her, all right? I said she was being crazy, and

understands, and it's all behind us.

It's a lovely collar on your shirt.

Oh, my God, Molly, I can't. It's Ed. Too late.

Hi!

Hi.

Ed? Hi.

Molly, and of course, Carol.

So, what's happening? I gotta get back.

Nice seeing you.

There she goes.

Guess I better be heading out, too.

Ladies.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I think he told her.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm flushing. I can actually feel my face flushing. Carol, don't be

Molly, what am I going to do? He's happy now. I have no right to go in there and

mess things up, even if I could, which I can't, because I had my chance with

him, and I blew it, and I have to live with that. He likes her now.

Why wouldn't he? She's cute and adorable, and most of all, she's got the

sense to know the perfect guy when he's standing right in front of her, unlike

Miss Dopey over here, by which, of course, I mean me.

It's one of the many reasons why, instead of liking me, he likes her now.

I have never seen you like this.

I know it's not a pretty sight. No, it is. a pretty sight. You are finally in

love, Carol Bessie. Not the talk yourself into a kind with Nick and

all the other losers you picked up along the way.

The real thing with a real guy.

The one you should end up with.

Duh.

I know that.

But didn't you just hear my whole he likes her now speech?

There's nothing I can do about it. If you give up, I will kill you with my

hands, which I can do, because we both know I'm quite a bit stronger than you.

He should be here by now.

Michael Winslow doesn't show.

I'm ruined.

I bet that's the first time that's ever been uttered. What?

Nothing. No, I'm sure he'll be here. Hey, Mr.

Keppel. Hi.

Hi. So, we heard about the big movie.

So exciting.

Yeah. Hey, listen, if there's anything we can do, any way we can help, just

count us in.

That's exactly what we want to capture. This is great. Good stuff.

Who are you?

Who am I? I'm Warren Cheswick. You showed moccasins to me last month.

What's all this?

Well, we heard about the bank job, which I think is an absolutely brilliant

concept, by the by. And my associate, Mr. Vanacore, and I, we would like to

memorialize the magic by shooting the making of the bank job.

This is something that Showtime will snap up in a heartbeat. No limits, am I

right?

I'm looking for Mr.

Kiffle. There he is, Mr.

Michael Winslow.

Hello, sir.

Hello. Welcome to the bank job.

All right.

Hey, can you make the sounds?

You like the bullets?

Oh, I don't make sounds anymore.

You can just do the machine gun.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Wait for what?

Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. That's how I was raised.

I'm serious.

Okay, what's the matter?

I'm moving back to Boston.

What?

It's crazy talk. You can't go back to Boston, Stella.

I want to go back and get my teaching degree.

Okay, okay, wait, okay.

There's a lot of information flooding in right now, so let's just...

Listen, calm down. Take this one step at a time.

Panic is the enemy, Stella. Panic is the enemy.

Lauren, this was a really special time.

But you've got to move on with your life and I've got to move on with mine.

What? A special time?

Stella, you said what?

I'm sorry, Lauren.

How could you do this to me?

Come on.

You said you could handle this.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't have listened to me.

I mean, God, I'm only 18. I'm a child.

Warren, don't end it like this. Why do you want me to end it? Huh?

You just ripped my heart right out of my chest. Where am I supposed to throw a

party?

I wish I'd never met you.

I'm going to hand it to Mr. Kiffel.

Making this movie sure takes a lot of guts.

Yeah, you've got to admire a man who listens to his heart.

I'll see you tomorrow, then. Yeah.

Thank

you.

You're welcome.

Good night. Night.

Yep. Take a look at this, Mike. What do you think about this?

I think you have a very poor taste in formal wear.

Do you or don't you find that manipulative?

Yes. Now, what do you want me to say? I'll say it. Yes.

Of course it's manipulative.

It's just a prom picture. It's psychological warfare, okay?

Carol's trying to break up me and Frankie, and it's not fair, and it's not

right.

Maybe Carol just wants to be with you. She doesn't, Mike. She doesn't. Never

has, never will. She just wants to bat me around like a kitty cat with a half

-dead mouse.

Can I please shave? No.

Guy at the deli told me I look like Freddie Mercury.

Mr. Winslow, would you like this before or after your meeting? We have an

organic egg salad sandwich, egg whites only, low -fat mayo, seven -grain toast,

crust removed, blood orange juice, freshly squeezed, no pulp or seeds,

bottles of sparkling water, Pellegrino, three bottles of still water, Fiji, and

some bowls of M &M's separated by color, browns removed and discarded.

I only wanted an apple. I know.

Who are you?

My name is Phil Studs, and I want to be in the Michael Winslow business.

Are you an agent?

We'll talk.

So you work with Kim Cattrall, huh?

Yes, she was in the first police academy.

Did she ever try and get you to be on Sex and the City?

No.

Really? That's, uh... You son of a...

I'm screwed.

What's wrong?

Those first savings are low.

They just canceled.

What do you mean?

They won't let us shoot there.

What should we do? Should we call the FDIC?

I think I'll wait on signing this. What?

No.

You have to.

We're making this movie.

Mr. Kiffler, you don't have a bank now. I'll figure something out.

One way or another, cameras will roll tomorrow.

Molly, Carol, what did I say?

You said we weren't going to talk about it anymore. And what are you about to

do? Talk about it some more. Which just so happens to be exactly what we are not

going to do. Right, so I'm just going to sit here and grade my papers.

Wow!

You're changing your mind. You think I should call Ed and find out whether or

not he liked the picture? Or are you saying I should lay low and let him come

me?

You got all that from wow?

What did wow mean?

Wow meant that Howie Mandel was going to do the Hollywood Squares.

Hmm.

Do you know what I always wanted to know about the Hollywood Squares?

What's that?

Should I call Ed or not?

We're not talking about this anymore.

Thank you.

Another press again? Yeah, just give me a 7 -7 this time.

Forget it.

Fine. Just give me a 7, then.

Hey, Duncan, you're Irish, right?

What of it?

Oh, you know, you got the gift of gab and Irishman's way with words.

I'm dyslexic.

Really?

Okay, but still, I mean, you're an Irish bartender, so you're like the poet

laureate of heartbreak, right?

So you got to tell me, Duncan, how could she do this to me? How could she love

me and leave me like this, man?

That's two books.

Can I get you another one? He'll be right with you. Duncan, come on. You're

supposed to commiserate here. It's part of your job.

You're here three and a half hours.

Booger off already.

What?

What? Are you kidding me?

Booger off?

What's the matter, Cheswick? I bought like 30 sodas and the man won't

commiserate. Come on, I'll drive you home. We've got to be up early for the

shoot. I don't know, man.

You're doing it. The show must go on. Besides, it'll take your mind off

He's faking the accent. He's from Gary, Indiana.

Sorry, guys.

Let's go and... Mickey.

Yeah,

Mr. Kibble.

One moment.

Ed. Yeah. Can you feel the excitement?

Is there something you want to tell me? I'm so sorry.

I called you last night, but you'd gone out for the evening. I just called you.

What are these people doing here? They're making the movie.

That's that, Kibble?

Yes. But it's a bank heist. Not anymore now.

It's a bowling alley heist.

Much better. Never been done.

Yeah, there might be a reason for that.

What do you say, Ed?

Can you help me out?

I can.

Sure. The place is yours. Oh, stupendous.

Thank you, Eddie.

You're welcome. You're keeping my dream alive.

I'm trying.

How would you rank the seven Police Academy movies in terms of quality?

From best to worst, I'd say one, two, three, four, five, seven,

six. Okay, how does it... You know, these questions are lame.

Hey, can I ask you a real question?

Yeah, sure. What's up?

Oh, forget it. Never mind. You won't be able to relate to it.

What's going on, man?

Now, no disrespect, man, but...

You're Michael freaking Winslow. You know, you're a star of the silver

Your life must be one big fiesta, right? I mean, you must be drowning in women.

Mr. Casting Couch, you know, Mr.

Playboy Mansion.

You know, Mr. Pool Party at Brett Ratner's Beach House.

What do you know about heartbreak?

I think maybe you need some medication of some kind.

Hey, Michael, you know what I bet would cheer the little guy up?

What? Because if you made some of the sounds.

I don't make sounds anymore.

Oh, yeah, you do the sounds. Come on, just give me one. Give me a machine gun.

Mr. Kibble, is it a little late to be changing a script from a bank to a

alley? I'm almost done. Just have to search bank and replace it with a

alley.

Ed! While you were out, your friend Carol Vesey called.

Oh, what'd she say? I don't know. When she heard my voice, she hung up.

Well, how'd you know? Call her ID. Her name just popped right up there.

Technology's an amazing thing, don't you think?

Look, Mr. Kipple, I gotta go see someone. I'll be back in 20 minutes,

Something with vault replacing with bowling alley.

Safe.

Go, go, go, go ahead.

Don't forget to read chapter five for tomorrow.

There could be a pop quiz.

Hey.

Ed, hi.

I can't accept that.

Well, if you don't like the frame, I could always... Carol, I'm asking you to

stop what you're doing.

Why? Because you're screwing up my life.

The way you screwed up my life?

I didn't screw up your life. If I wasn't looking around for you at my wedding,

I'd be married to Dennis Martino right now.

Well, you should thank me for that.

I know.

I am.

Carol, you gotta stop.

No, whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait, wait. When you came back to Stuckyville with your night suits and

skywriters, I was... I was involved in a seven -year relationship.

That didn't stop you. And then I got engaged.

That didn't stop you.

Why?

Because those guys were jerks.

No. No, it didn't stop you because you believed that we were meant to be

together.

Well, I was wrong.

Bowling alley job, scene five, take one.

Action!

Uh, Miss Burton, I say action.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've never done this before.

Uh, bowling alley job, scene five, take one.

Action!

What's up?

Kiss the floor, ladies and gentlemen. What we have here is a bowling alley

robbery. Where's the safe at, man?

I said, where's the safe at, man?

What's the matter, baby? You scared?

Damn, you fine.

You know what?

You hotter than Tyra Bowling, Alex.

Cut!

Sorry.

It's supposed to be Tyra Banks.

You know what?

I can't do this anymore.

This script doesn't make any sense.

It's gonna be fine. We'll fix it in the edit room.

You know what?

I'm out of here. I quit.

You can't quit. You signed a contract.

Didn't he yet?

Wait till Mr.

Winslow. You're locked in.

All right, once more, from the top.

And this time, do it more like Stanley Tucci would.

All right, let's roll.

If I represented you, this never would have happened.

I've got an agent.

Where's he now? Where's he now? I'm right here. Where is he?

This is going to be ugly.

Can I shave now?

Where's the movie going?

Well, it's a fiasco.

That's like my personal life.

Are you still mad at Carol?

Yes.

She said I'm mad.

Why? Did she ask you to come here and talk to me? No, no. This is a renegade

solo mission.

I want you to cut the girl some slack.

Why should I? Because she loves you and she knows how stupid she's been and

she's pretty damn heartbroken about it.

Molly, I'm done playing games with one Carol Bessie.

This is not a game to her, Ed. This is her life.

So have a little sympathy, okay?

Right.

Hey, hey, Molly.

Yeah?

What do you really think she wants?

Everything you used to want.

I was looking for you.

Hi. Hi.

You heading to class?

Actually, I have a free period.

Any plans?

Well, I thought I'd do about 35 minutes of sullen meandering, and then if I can

find an empty locker, I might slam my head in the door for about 10 minutes.

Or do you want to take a walk with me?

Sure.

Look, I'm sorry for what I said to you the other day, all right?

Don't worry about it. I am sure that I will recover in time to enjoy my...

Retirement years.

Well, for what it's worth, I was frustrated. I know you're not doing this

screw up my life. I'm not. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to hurt

Frankie. I just, you know what I want.

Carol, you know, honestly, I don't think you know what you want.

What can I do?

Ed, what can I say to you to convince you that this is real? It's not real.

not real.

Carol, if it were real, you wouldn't have rejected me all those times. If it

were real, you and I would be together by now. And if it were real... But, but,

but, but, don't you see?

I made a mistake.

And you can choose not to forgive me if you want, but don't tell me I don't know

what I want because I know exactly what I want. I want a second chance.

Why is it so easy for everybody to see except for you?

Look, this is hard, right? I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. But you and I

will be friends, all right? We just need to find a way to... No, no, no, Ed,

stop, stop!

Why can't we just agree that you and I... No! No more tearful hugs. No more

false reconciliations.

You know what's not real?

That's not real.

can you?

Go, go, go.

Are you crying?

That is Mr. Mays.

Oh, for God's sakes, Mickey, you can't do this to me.

Who's Mickey? The other bowling alley robber. Guess what, pal?

You're out of the movie. Don't bother showing up tomorrow.

Where is he? He's at his nephew's bris.

They couldn't put it off for a week?

You, Dr. Burton, you ever done any acting?

Me? You look just like Mitty. You could replace him, huh? Oh, my God.

Wait. No way. No way. I'm not working with this jackass.

You'll do whatever I say.

Now get in there and get it coming up.

Frankie,

wait.

Frankie, I really need to talk to you for a minute.

Look, I'm really not a fan of the awkward running. Let's face it, we've

plenty of those unless we can clear the air.

So can we do that? Sure, please.

Clear the air.

Okay. Look, I'm sure you know that I've been... Trying to steal my boyfriend?

Yes, I'm very much aware of that. Frankie, I am so sorry to involve you in

of this. I never aspired to be a homewrecker. I like you. I really do.

This honestly had nothing to do with you.

Except it's my boyfriend you're trying to steal.

Yes, and you have every right to resent me for that. That's why I wanted you to

hear it from my mouth.

that I'm done.

How do you know?

What? How do you know you're done?

Just curious.

Ed and I had a big talk, and he made me see that I really have to stop.

Hmm. Big talk, huh?

Yeah. It's never over between you two.

Excuse me.

You know, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but I think you're

missing the bet with that guy.

What do you mean? You should have made some of those funny sounds in your

It's not a comedy.

I don't know.

You can make it work.

People love those sounds.

Hey, fellas. I have to go.

Wait.

Yes.

Eight o 'clock is perfect.

Great. Thank you.

Everything all right?

I just booked an eight o 'clock flight to Houston.

You're going to Houston? Yeah, yeah. I feel like I need to see Leon.

Give him a chance to say what's on his mind.

Frank,

this is about me and Carol. You and Carol? Why should this have anything to

with you and Carol?

It shouldn't, but you're obviously reacting. I'm not reacting to anything,

Leon and I have a very special relationship.

Don't worry about it.

Wait.

Frank, don't do this. Look, let's go back to my place. I'll cook us dinner

we'll talk about the whole thing.

Don't you ever get tired of talking about everything?

I just don't get it, Mike. I tell Cal in no uncertain terms, mind you, that

nothing is going to happen between the two of us. Nothing, okay? It's not a

name, nothing, zero, right? And does Frankie thank me? No, she ups and goes

Houston to see Leon. I just don't get it. How does that make any sense at all?

Yeah, especially, can I please shave? I grew the mustache. That was a bet.

I don't want to have the mustache in the movie.

No, you can have it. All right, give me ten bucks.

Oh, I'm such a champ.

Theme 43, take one.

What is it, Mickey? What's up? Cut!

Dr. Burt, where's your mustache?

I shaved it.

Why, is that a problem?

Scene 43, take two.

And action!

Walter!

Walter!

What is it, Mickey? What's up, man?

They have the bill. They have it surrounded.

We'll never get out of the bowling alley alive.

Man, just chill, man. All we gotta do... Look out, man! Get down!

I've been shot!

Mickey.

Mickey,

talk to me, man. Don't you die on me.

Don't you die on me, man.

Walter! Walter!

What is it?

What is it, Mickey?

One last wish before I go.

What is it, man?

Anything you want, man. What is it?

Let me hear those sounds you used to make.

That's it. I'm done.

Goodbye.

Congratulations.

That, sir, was a tour de force.

Hey, what's with the attitude?

Who do you think you are, Steve Guttenberg?

That's what?

kill you. Pass me the butter knife. I'll spread you to death.

I wish you would.

Who do you think you are, Job?

Just get over it already. I can't get over it.

Don't you understand? I've never been this depressed about anything in my

life. I've had relatives die, and I haven't been this upset when my uncle

Tweeter died.

He wasn't a real uncle, but I mean, I'm talking about dead near relatives,

Manicor. Warren, I know there's nothing worse than getting dumped, but I promise

you, the feeling will pass.

would this pass? How in the world could this pass?

It just will, okay? You'll meet somebody else and suddenly you'll be saying,

Stella who?

Oh, yeah, right. Like Romeo said Juliet who?

Like Michael Douglas said Catherine Zeta who?

Stella was my soulmate, man.

I'm never going to find another Stella.

I'm probably never even going to have another date.

I'm not that attractive, if you haven't noted.

Somebody seems to think so.

What? Don't look now, but that girl's checking you out.

Please. I'm telling you, man, she's... Totally checking you out.

All right.

Fine. Don't believe me.

Where?

Right over there.

You're such a jerk.

Oh, that was beautiful.

It's open.

Hi, honey.

How you doing?

I'm on top of the world.

Did Stella leave?

Yeah, she left.

What's in the bag?

Oh, just a little something every girl needs when she finds herself in some boy

trouble. A veal chop.

A veal chop? I had some ice cream in the cart and then I thought, too cliche.

Oh.

I'm only packing some ice cream.

Mmm.

Mmm. What's that?

Um, it's my journal from when Ed first came back to Stuckyville.

Carol, that is cruel and unusual punishment. I know, but he keeps telling

that my feelings for him aren't real and it's just a reaction to him and

Frankie.

Why is he an idiot?

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Sorry it didn't work out, Mr. Kipple. Either of you guys see any fat ladies?

What? Either of you hear any singing?

Not over till the fat lady sings.

Right. My cousin is a landscape architect for the gay black guy on Six

Under. He's sliding him a script.

If it doesn't pan out well, at least I didn't spend my whole life in a shoe

store.

Right?

All right. All right, Mr. Kipple.

Pleasure. You

got

to admire that.

The man who followed his dream.

He could have remained in the safety of his shoe store, but he didn't. He took a

shot. All right, Mike, I get it.

Carol's a dream.

Frankie's a shoe store. Except that's the lousiest analogy of all time sport.

And I'll tell you why. Okay? Because Frankie's in a shoe store. And

Kiffle didn't get rejected by the movie a thousand times. And moreover, the

movie didn't decide to want Kiffle only after Kiffle decided to stay in the shoe

store.

So I was really just talking about Kiffle and this movie.

Oh.

I'm glad you called.

I'm glad you came.

I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again.

Well, I say goodbye.

You don't hate me.

I despise you with every ounce of my being.

Finally. Yes, listen. Do you have any remaining flights to Houston tonight?

Okay, all right. Well, what about first thing tomorrow morning?

Yeah, 7 a .m. 7 a .m. is fine. Okay, listen. October 8, 2000.

A guy named Ed who said he went to my high school walked into my classroom

and asked me out to dinner.

I think he might be insane.

What? No, actually, can I call you back?

October 23rd, 2000.

How about this for a day?

That guy Ed from high school walked into my classroom wearing a suit of armor

and gave me flowers.

I was mortified, and I loved it.

What keeps me in this horrid relationship with Nick?

And what is this? I stole Carol's journal, and God help me, I am going to

hell for this. But as the kids say, all is fair in love and war.

October 24th, 2000.

I can't believe it, but I'm actually going to ask Ed out to dinner. I hope he

hasn't come to his senses and realized that I'm not worth all the trouble.

Is there a reason you're reading this over the public address system?

Well, I thought the added volume would help it get through that thick skull of

yours.

Okay, I'll give you a break.

October 25th, 2000.

Turns out this Ed fellow is one of the good ones, no?

Better than good.

He's amazing, actually.

We kissed tonight, and though I've only known him for a few days, I feel like

somehow I've known him forever.

If I had any guests, I'd dump Nick tomorrow.

Maya, I don't know if I can take too much more of this. Okay, one more.

Just one.

November 16th, 2002.

Tomorrow, I am going to be Mrs. Dennis Martino, and I have but one thought.

If you want to pick Frankie, pick Frankie.

But don't pretend that Carol isn't real.

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