All language subtitles for Ed s03e20 Second Chances

It's a man versus woman, Nance. I want
to fail.

That's it. That's it. You know, enough.
That's enough.

Enough what?

Enough. I've owned the bowling alley
for, what, three years now? Okay, you've

been here a hundred times. You still
bowl like a... Analogy, please.

Pelican. No.

Crouton. No.

Red Steiger.

You can't think this fast. Come here,
all right? Look, this thing here, this

the ball. The ball is your friend, all
right? Now, when you release the ball,

you release it with a nice, smooth
motion. Stand here.

Focus on the pins. You watch the pins.
Throw a little style in there.

You do realize that was a four.

Shirley, six hot dogs, please.

That'll be $4 .50.

Shirley, we've been through this. This
is my snack bar. If I pay, the money

comes back to me.

$4 .25.

Brandon, I think she may have gathered
there was something between us at one

point. You ever take her through the
saga? Saga what?

Never ending series of clownish attempts
to woo Carol Bessie. No, why?

I smell trouble in the air.

What are you talking about, Sport? When
you're over there doing your little

giggly, flirty thing with Carol. I
wasn't being flirty. I was just merely

teaching the woman how to deal. Frank,
you always give me the look of death.

She what?

Yeah, totally. It was like this.

That's just your normal expression.

And Mr.

Alec Guinness, okay, buddy? Just trust
me, he's the look of death.

What the hell are you talking about? If
I were you, I'd be on Orange Alert.

I'm in the sky tonight.

There I can keep by your side Watching

the wide world

Hey, look at this ad.

Be a better lover. What is it, a video?

Yeah. They say if you watch it and study
carefully, your lovemaking skill can

increase by up to 500%. You're not going
to order that.

All right. I kind of like to be a better
lover.

What? Don't tell me Nancy's been
complaining. What? No.

All right, then. I'm sure you're simply
a fantastic lover.

I'm probably average. Maybe a little
worse. It's hard to have a funny

comparison. What is it?

Hey, Frankie. I'm thinking making clam
chowder tonight.

Oh, boy, that sounds great. Do you
prefer red or white?

Is that your correct answer? Of course.

White? Good man.

See that?

Typical Frankie -ed interaction.

True.

Doesn't seem upset with me at all. True.
So whatever you think you saw last

night when I was teaching Carol how to
bowl, you must have just blown over.

I wonder if there's naked ladies on this
thing.

So, I made a list of potential first
guests for my interview show. Okay,

hear it. All right, Sean Connery, Tiger
Woods, Tom Hanks, President Bush, Meryl

Streep, and Pat Sajak.

Warren, you realize that none of those
people are going to do an interview show

that broadcasts to 750 high school
students.

Ms. Fethi, do you realize that I got
Sean Connery's publicist on the phone

today, and she said he totally would do
it if he didn't have scheduling

conflicts? Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, man.

I think you should probably go, Warren.
I think so. Good luck. Good luck to you.

That sounded pretty efficient.

Can we... No, no, no. No, Carol, come
in.

I want you to meet our new history
teacher, Jamie Decker.

Hi. Hi, Carol, Bessie, hi.

I was just finishing up a meeting with
Jamie, and I thought you should come

and meet him.

because he's very interested in getting
involved in some extracurricular

activities, and I thought, what better
way for him to get his feet wet than to

help you with the TV station?

Because I need help so much with the TV
station.

Well, I should tell you up front, I
don't know anything about television.

You're hired.

Just meet me tomorrow morning in the A
.V. room.

Well, thank you.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

And thank you, Principal Hudson.

Oh, no, Molly.

Molly.

We're such a gross abuse of power. I
know.

Excuse me.

Eli Goggins around?

Well, we do have an Eli working here,
but I've never really focused on his

name. It may or may not be Goggins. I
thought it was Whitney. Eli Whitney

invented the cotton gin.

Eli, there you are.

Sandy, what the hell is your futon
-sized ass doing in here?

I need your help. I know you're not
serious.

The restaurant's in trouble.

Well, it's not my restaurant, so it's
not my problem anymore. Now, Eli, I'm

close to shutting down.

I just thought maybe you could come by,
you know, take a look, give me some

advice. You want some advice?

Stop thinking of ranch dressing as a
beverage and maybe you'll shave a few

yards off of them high quarters, yo.
Come on, what do you got to be like? You

know I'm being like that, man. Now take
your unholy caboose and get out my

bowling app. You know what?

I may have a gigantic ass, but at least
I'm loyal to my friends.

Yeah, like the hell you are.

That's telling him, Whitney.

Everything okay?

No, it's all under control, man. I got
this.

So how am I doing?

How are you doing with what?

You know, with my post -coital embrace.

I hate that word. What's wrong with
coital? Please don't say it again. How

coital? Coaxial cable?

Not even crazy about that.

Ed, can I ask you a question? You can
ask me a question, sure.

What's your history with Carol?

I thought Carol Channing was absolutely
brilliant in Hello, Dolly. After that,

I'm not so sure that she... Ed. What do
you want to know?

Well, did you ever date her?

No.

Do you mind if I go to the kitchen and
have some more pie?

Ed. Yeah? I'm a lawyer.

You can either tell me the story or I'll
beat it out of you question by question

all night long.

All right. Okay.

All right. Look.

Three years ago...

I was fired from my job. I came home to
my apartment, found my wife sleeping

with a mailman. Yes, I know your wife
slept with a mailman. Not the mailman.

was a mailman. He just happened to be
one. Yeah, yeah, go on. So there I am.

in the apartment, and I'm in this insane
state of mind. I'm going through my

yearbook. I come across a picture of
Carol Vesey. So I go back to

I'm in this insane state of mind.

Legally insane, really. I ask her out.

So what happened?

Nothing. Nothing happened. I asked her
out. She turned me down. Somehow we

up being friends, and we enjoyed a big,
long, hard laugh over the whole thing.

So you're just friends?

Just friends.

And yet four months ago you got on the
back of a horse and tried to put her

wedding.

All right, listen, I need you to bowl a
good game today, Jolene. The Lord came

and spoke to me last night and he said
if somebody bowls a 300... He's going to

let me walk again.

Eli's counting on you, baby.

Thanks, Eli.

All right. Hey, Jolene.

Hey, Ed.

So I paid a little visit to Captain
Eli's Fish and Chips this morning.

Yeah, for what?

Just curious.

Talked to your old pal, Sandy Buckman.
Seems like a good guy.

Yo, let me tell you about your man,
Sandy Buckman. When I had my accident, I

to sell Captain Eli's. He came and
offered me like half of what it was

because he knew I needed the money. He
shanked me, man.

It's not the way he tells it. He says
you thought the price was fair. And not

only that, he doesn't understand why you
don't come around anymore. They miss

you over there.

Yo, they full of crap, Stucky Boss.

You sure he's the one?

Should I tell you something, Eli?

When me and I had to sell this place,
some other guy was strutting around like

he's the king of Stucky Ball. I'd find a
reason to hit him.

Captain Eli's was my Stucky Ball, man.

You should save it.

I'm going to powder my nose.

Are you going to the bathroom? Ten bucks
if you do the old bathroom classic.

Come on. Ten bucks, Mike.

Heartless bastard. Yeah.

So, Carol, your ears must have been
burning last night.

Why's that?

Ed told me the whole story about how he
came back to Stuckyville, tracked you

down, and asked you out.

That was so long ago.

Come on. What were you thinking when
some guy from high school you didn't

know just showed up and blew?

I wasn't really sure what to think. I'll
tell you what I'd be thinking. Cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Yeah, maybe a little.

That's regular cuckoo. I think
delivering you flowers in the middle of

class while wearing a night suit, that
gets you into the Cuckoo Hall of Fame.

Right, the night suit.

That's pretty crazy.

That's a beautiful shirt.

And don't forget about the skywriting.
Oh.

How did he do that? Oh, how about the
homemade video?

Oh! I thought it was a video. I thought
it was a video. I thought it was a

video. I thought it was a video.

I thought it was a video.

What's so funny?

We're just laughing about all the old Ed
Carroll stories.

You know, the night suit, the homemade
video, the throwing waffles at Carol's

window, the skywriting.

Oh, it appears to be dead.

You know, I always knew there would be a
day when we'd sit around and laugh at

that stuff. It appears to be dead.

Excuse me.

Ice skating. Ice skating? Oh, yeah.

Do you want to talk about it? Talk about
what? You know, it.

Something to talk about? You lied to me.

I didn't lie to you. Yes, you did.

Last night, I asked you to tell me about
you and Carol, and you didn't say

anything about the night suit or the
video or the waffles. You lied to me.

That's not a lie.

That's omission.

No difference.

Yeah, well, there's a big difference.

For example, a lie.

Tell me what you did on the night of the
24th. I didn't murder the butler.

An omission. Tell me what you did on the
night of the 24th. I ate some candy.

Just because you ate some candy doesn't
mean you didn't necessarily kill the

butler. You know?

Look,

Frank, you listen. Hey, Carol and I,
we've been friends for a long time. What

are we supposed to do, just stop?

That'd be great. Well, that doesn't seem
realistic.

Neither does going out with someone and
having a relationship like the one you

have with Carol.

Welcome to Stuckyville High School's
first ever Warren P. Cheswick interview

special. I am thrilled and delighted to
have our first guest here on the

program. Ladies and gentlemen, a legend
in the truest sense of the word, please

join me in welcoming Stuckyville High
School's metal shop teacher, Mitchell

Walsh -Lewis. Welcome, sir.

How are you doing?

Mitchell Walsh -Lewis, you've been a
metal shop teacher here at Stuckyville

School for 17 years.

What's changed?

Six years ago, we got a new soldering
gun.

What do you think? Mr. Waslewis.

I think this is very compelling
television.

Yes, it is.

Come on in, indeed.

What does Bill Waslewis do for fun?

I like making chili.

Where is that going to air exactly?

Oh, the cafeteria and the school
website.

Well, thank you for letting me help.

Oh, no, thank you. Really.

Oh, bye.

Do you ever eat?

I do sometimes. Yes, I eat.

Okay, that was a stupid question, but
not to be too forward, but I don't know

single soul in this town. Would you like
to get a bite sometime?

When?

I'm free tonight and every night
thereafter.

Do you know where the smiling goat is?

Yeah, I passed it.

Okay, 7 o 'clock?

I'm in.

Good.

Okay.

I figured we were going to spend the
next several hours being really angry

upset with this pity feeling in our
stomachs. And after that, we'd make up

anyway. So rather than waste all that
time being miserable, I figured I'd just

cut to the chase and get to the making
up part right away.

You know what concerns me?

What's that?

I actually understood that.

My goodness.

What the hell have they done to this
place?

Welcome to Captain Eli's Fish and Chips.
The year is 2131.

Earth is in ruin.

Civilization as we know it is dead.

But Fish and Chips lives on. And it's
crispier and tastier than ever.

Please, order by number.

Al, what do you have on? What the hell
is going on here? It's the future, yo.

Sandy!

Sandy!

Eli, you can't. Come on, man.

Tell me you're just playing, man. Tell
me, you know, you did this this morning,

right? This is just a joke. You're just
messing with old Eli.

No, this is the direction I decided to
go.

Why?

People like the future.

Dude, what does the future have to do
with fish and chips?

What does a clown got to do with
hamburgers? You're trying to freshen the

up, you know? Damn, what is that smell?

It smells like George Jackson climbed on
the table and died.

Got to throw off some bad tartar sauce,
man. Sorry.

Oh, come on, man. Let's go, man. Well,
let's hang out. Maybe get the tour,

Sandy. Check the place out. What do you
think? Look, I told you. I'm ready to

leave. I can't stand inside this place,
man. That's why we got to fix it, right,

Frank? Yes.

Yes. So we got to fix it.

Sorry.

I'm having trouble breathing.

Take a look.

Wait.

I'm not sure I'm following this.

I'm telling you, you're looking at a guy
who for one night was the Philly

Fanatic.

Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Oh,

Jamie Decker, a new teacher at the
school.

It's Stevenson Frankie Hector. Hey,
Jamie. Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet
you.

Well, we're going to get something to
eat.

Nice to meet you, Jimmy. Yeah, nice to
meet you. Good night.

Enjoy. Good seeing you guys.

Okay, okay.

What's this?

I don't know. What is that?

That's the knife.

Start with the appetizer, then the main
course, then the Philly Fanatic story,

and then... That guy came to the table.

Bad, yeah.

Let me guess, old boyfriend?

Um, just an old friend.

Well, nonetheless, I had a great time.

I did, too.

So, how about...

How about maybe next Saturday we get
together and catch a movie or something?

Yeah, I will check my schedule. I'll get
back to you on that.

You got it.

Thanks.

Night.

Congratulations on having purchased
McAllister's Guide to Sexual Perfection.

Larry McAllister.

What you are about to see is unlike any
other sexual instruction product on the

market today.

I'm not going to waste your time with
the same old nonsense about massage oils

and scented candles and pelvic
exercises.

Instead, I will tell you precisely what
to do with whatever God saw fit

to give you.

So, let's begin.

Please drop your pants and open your
workbook to page 13.

This is awesome.

It's open.

Hey!

What's going on? Are you okay?

I'm about 10 ,000 light years away from
okay. What happened? Was Jamie a jerk?

No. No, he's really nice.

Well, then what?

Is he gay?

Is he married? Is he married and gay?

Is he married to a gay married gay guy?

No, he's perfect.

He's perfect for me.

Yeah?

Not interested.

Oh, my God, you're kidding me.

It's this again? What, you can't be into
a guy because he's what, too good for

you? That's not it.

So what's the problem?

I want Ed.

Holly, what am I going to do?

It's really happy. Frankie's great. I
can't just... Okay, Carol, it seems to

like the only reason that you suddenly
want Ed is because you see him slipping

away. No, no, I have always wanted him.

Ever since the beginning, I just wasn't
ready, and now I am.

Okay, maybe it took Frankie to make me
see it, but now I do see it, and I want

him.

I want him for real, and I want him for
good. Because, you know, you've had a

tendency to be a bit flaky in the past.

I love him.

Well, then you gotta go for it.

Michael Roger Burton, what the hell was
that?

Men, you don't understand that
lovemaking is a delicate dance between

flesh.

I mean, I got to tell you, I thought
last night was just a fluke, but then

this morning, it's a kaboom.

Kaboom.

Well, I'm going to head down and get
some waffles.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute.

What?

Can we do it again?

Oh, man.

It takes a while to do it like that, and
I have to get to the...

Three.

All right.

The Sultan of Seduction grants your
request.

Where is what?

Sandy, don't play possum with me, man.
Where's my secret recipe?

That's the recipe.

Alvin, look me in my eye and tell me
this is my secret recipe.

We lost it.

You lost my secret recipe.

I think it might have disintegrated. Get
me a pencil and a paper so I can write

this down so you guys will know what
you're doing.

How's it going, Captain?

What are you guys doing here?

My posse and I decided you might need a
little help fixing this place up.

White guy can have a posse, right?

Hey, Carol, I think there might be some
more of Eli's old stuff behind those

plates out here.

I'll hand them back to you.

Thank you.

Hey, was that a date I saw you on the
other night?

It, uh, it sort of turned into a first
date, yeah.

How was it?

He was nice.

Good.

Ed. Yeah?

What?

What, you got something to tell me? Tell
me. You can tell me anything. You know

that.

Can I?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, is it the new guy?

You like the new guy, don't you?

Well... Did you sleep with him on the
first date? No.

Good. Because I think that you can tell
me anything that might have its limits.

Hey.

I get it.

I know what you're thinking.

It gets a little weird when one of us
has to tell the other about a new

boyfriend, girlfriend.

But if you're thinking that this guy
might turn into something, I can handle

that.

Yeah, I can handle that. Seriously.

Okay.

That was it, right? That was it? Was
that it? I was right?

You got me.

I knew it.

Let me optimize the lighting.

Hey, Eli, get out of here!

Come on, man. You got to see the
finished product.

Whoa.

Thanks for everything, man.

I don't see why you can't just tell him
how you feel.

Be quiet.

Enough.

After all this time, after all the
crazy, amazing, romantic things that

done for me, I can't just corner the man
at a fish and chips joint and tell him

that I love him. I have to do something
big, something awesome, something Ed

-like. So what are you going to do?

I have been working on this all
afternoon.

Careful. Come on, just watch it. Tell me
what you think.

Good evening.

I'm Carol Vethy. And tonight it's my
pleasure to welcome our first guest,

Duckyville High School English teacher,
Carol Vethy. Carol?

Thank you, Carol. I'm delighted to be
here.

Let's just jump right on in, why don't
we?

Tell it.

How do you feel about Ed Stevens?

Uh, I would prefer not to discuss that.

Why is the topic of Ed Stevens so hard
for you?

Because I've been a complete and total
idiot about him.

What does that mean?

Missing my opportunity to be with Ed
Stevens is, well, it's the biggest

of my life.

Ah, you've always been afraid you'd
screw things up, hmm?

Terrified. And why aren't you afraid
now, Carol?

Oh, I still am.

But now that Ed is with Frankie, I
realize that there's something scarier

the thought of being with him.

The thought of losing him.

One last question, Carol.

Do you think what you're doing is fair
to Ed and Frankie?

No.

Then why are you doing it?

Because I have to.

Come on.

Hey. Carol, hey. What's going on?

I was looking for a videotape. I think I
might have left it here.

Yeah, the videotape.

It was a videotape on my desk. I was
just about to watch it. No, no, no, no,

You don't want to do that. What the
heck? Why not? What's on it?

Um, nothing that would interest you,
really.

Come on, what is it? Is it something?

Nothing.

Is that Dr. McAllister's Guide to Sexual
Perfection?

What? Come on, let me see.

Come on, tell me, what is it?

If you must know, it's this week's
American Idol.

What?

You watch that?

I do, I do, I watch it. I started
watching it ironically, and now I

care about who wins, and they've just
brainwashed me, those crazy sons of

bitches.

Everything all right? I should get
going.

Later.

See ya.

Eli, what you doing?

I'm just sitting here waiting for
tomorrow.

Waiting on tomorrow?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, you kind of left in a hurry
there today.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man. That
was rude of me.

No, no.

No, not at all. I just... I have to say,
Eli, from the moment we met, I've never

seen you down like this.

Yeah, right?

Y 'all like having inspiration in the
wheelchair dude around, right?

But God forbid he stops smiling.

Things get depressing real fast, don't
they? Eli, I didn't mean it like that.

Nah, nah, it's cool, man. It's cool.

That must have been tough having your
whole life shoved back in your face like

that.

Dude, I get my whole life shoved in my
face every day.

Let me ask you something.

How long does it take you to get dressed
in the morning?

Five, ten minutes.

From the time I go in the bathroom to
the time I tie my shoes, that's a

of two hours, man.

That's every damn day.

It's hard, man.

Getting up, getting dressed, getting to
work.

Getting my ass in and out of this little
go -kart.

It's every day, all day, man.

I don't know how you get through it.

There's only one way to do it.

You gotta act like it's business as
usual.

Like you've been doing it your whole
life.

Like there never was a yesterday, man.

Except there was.

Yeah, it was.

But not even the great Captain Eli could
live there, man.

Nobody can, man.

What are you going to do now?

Guess I'm just going to sit here and
wait for tomorrow, man.

All right.

Listen, is there anything I can... Don't
worry your little old head, bro.

You're not going to be all right. I'll
be here tomorrow, dog.

Okay. All right.

was great.

What?

That was a beauty session of lovemaking.

We played each other like a couple of a
couple of Stradivari. I love you, honey.

Mike.

Yeah? You didn't do it.

What? That thing.

You didn't do it.

Oh, sure I did. No, you didn't.

Why not?

I guess I just got a little nostalgic
for the old way.

You know what? I thought it was great.

Even better than the new way.

It's really not.

It's really not.

Well, sure it is.

The new way's overrated.

No, it's not. And you know it.

So, why didn't you do it?

It's hard.

What? The new way's kind of hard.

We can't...

Be that hard?

It's harder.

Well, clearly you're capable of it.

Yeah.

I just prefer not to.

That's so selfish.

If you think about it, honey, you're the
one that's being selfish.

I've been serving you steak dinners all
week, and now you're complaining about a

turkey club.

It was a delicious turkey club.

Hey.

Hey, Kel. Hey, thanks for coming.

I'm not really sure why I'm here.

I need to talk to you.

Okay.

So, you remember when I was trying to
have a lucid dream a few weeks

ago?

Yeah. Well, it turns out I had one.

Oh, really? What was it about?

It was about me and Frankie.

Oh. Yeah, I was trying to figure out
whether, well, whether I should go out

her, you know?

And it's funny. You know who kept
pushing me to take the chance?

You know who?

You. Oh, well, I'm so glad I could help
you out there.

Yeah, and in the dream, I kept thinking
I was scared to go out with her because,

you know, we worked together. But you
kept saying I was scared to go out with

her because I'm scared of relationships.

I'm scared of being disappointed.

So, did you decide to be with Frankie? I
mean, in the dream.

Yeah, it was funny.

You see, there was a twist.

And when I finally decided that I
should... I should go out with Frankie.

should take a chance.

And then you showed up.

And do you know what you did?

No.

You kissed me.

What do you suppose that means?

Well, Carol, I think it means that we
cannot stay the way we are anymore.

This close.

Always gonna be in each other's way.

I'm right.

Right?

Right.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

So... So I talked to Carol.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thank you.

It's out of go.

Good, I think.

She understands.

I feel selfish.

What? No, no, Frank, you should... No.

You shouldn't listen to... The truth
is...

I think a part of me has been hanging on
to Carol, some kind of romantic

fantasy. And I got to leave it behind
because you and me, this is real.

Yes, it is.

Been doing some soul searching, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

No one soul searches like yours truly.

So, anyway.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go home. It's been a few
days.

Great.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

Ed, I don't want to screw up your whole
Carol fantasy Frankie reality thing, but

I can be pretty romantic myself.

Oh, I know.

I know. I didn't mean it like that.

Night. Night.

Fuck you, boss.

Draft.

All right, all right.

Captain Eli's back in business.

All right. Hey, what's up, player?

All right, now. Enjoying that meal, huh?
The best fish and chips in town.

Tastes so good how you're spartan with
an English accent.

Better watch yourself.

All right, where's my man, Ben?

Ben, you all right, man? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Eli.

Thanks a lot.

That's my boy, that's my boy. Hey, y
'all enjoy your meals now, because you

I had to come here and put my magic
touch on it.

Carol. Jamie.

How's it going?

Good.

So did you check your schedule?

If you're free Saturday night, I'd still
love to take you to a movie or

something.

Sure.

All right, well, score one for Jamie
Decker.

Don't worry, that's the last time I
refer to myself in third person.

Okay, okay

I can be.

Two.

Do another two.

Love.

Thank you.