Original subtitles

We need each other, Dr. Jerome.

I'll come back if you want me to come back, but as an equal partner.

Okay.

What's wrong with Toby Gibbons? It's fine.

I think you should go out with Toby Gibbons.

Carol, can I kiss you?

Toby,

I'm not sure that we're connecting.

I'll walk you out.

Listen, there's an elephant in the room that both of us are pretending to

ignore. What do you got going on there? Nothing. Come on, what's up with you

guys? Nothing. Nothing is up with me and Frankie. I'm her employer.

She's my employee.

The way I see it, there are five ways we can play this.

Play what?

You know, the whole boss -employee -kids thing that happened last night? Right.

One, we can totally ignore it and pretend it never happened.

Two, we can acknowledge it with subtle knowing glances, but never mention it by

name. Three, we can drive each other crazy by arguing all the time like

and Tracy, all the while existing with an air of big sexual tension.

Four, we can have a rational discourse about office romance and mutually decide

on the appropriate course of action.

Five, we can throw caution to the wind and hurl ourselves into the unknown.

What's it going to be?

What do you think?

One is out because we're already not ignoring it.

We can try two, but I'm not great with subtle glances. I'm cool with either

three or four.

Five may be a little too much to commit to.

Right.

What's the one where we have a rational talk and usually a course of action?

Four.

Four. Yeah.

I'm good with four. No, four is fake because we're already doing four by

through this list.

Why throw them away?

I don't know. I felt like I needed five altogether.

Hi. Hey.

All right, then.

Looks like we've got a plan.

We haven't.

I'm in the sky tonight There I can

keep by your side

Watching the wide world riot and hiding out.

I'll be coming next year.

Excuse me, Dr. Jerome, do you have a second?

For you, Dr. Burton, two seconds.

My favorite joke.

What do you want?

It's been a few weeks now since we formed our equal partnership, and I feel

time I shared some concerns with you. Speak up, Zippy. I can't hear you over

Apple.

All right.

Okay. You see, in many ways, I still feel this is your practice, and I just

here. For example, the Muzak.

It would be my vote to switch over to rock and roll. Nothing too heavy, just a

nice classic rock. Eagles, Jackson Brown, BTO.

That's Bachman Turner Overdrive.

And, well,

the sign out front.

Still the same old sign with the dinky little Dr. Burton card hanging from the

bottom. I propose a new sign with equal reference... Excuse me, Dr. Burton? Yes?

Forgive me interrupting, but I can't help but wonder, have you gone

out of your rutabaga -sized head? Come on, Dr. Drum, that's not fair. And you

know, we're equal partners now, and it's only right... All right, all right, all

right. You want a new sign?

Yes, Dr. Drum, I really do.

I'll order a new sign.

Really? Yes.

With both our names in equal -sized print?

Yes. Now skedaddle, Dr.

Burton, before I change my mind.

All right.

Thanks, Dr. Drum.

It's a great start.

I often feel compelled to fill awkward silences by yodeling.

Go right ahead.

Excuse

me?

Ah, there you are.

Hi. Hi.

How can we help you?

Well, I seem to have got myself into a bit of a pickle, and I need to be de

-pickled. I think the term you're looking for is depicolized. Please have

seat. How can we help you, Ms.? Barnes.

Ms. Barnes. Hey, Stevens.

Lisa. Frankie Hector.

Hi. All right, so you know those deals you make with your friends that if

not married by a certain age, you'll agree to marry each other? Oh, yeah, I

one of those. Aaron Willenbrook. We were 16.

What age did you agree to be married?

81. I wanted to keep my options open for as long as possible.

Smart girl.

Brad Campbell and I agreed on 35, and I'm turning 35 next month, and he's

to hold me to it. That's crazy.

Can't you just tell them that's crazy? Well, I've tried.

There's just one little problem.

We drew up a binding agreement.

We were law students at the time of contract law. The undersigned shall not

bound by the laws of Stuckyville, but by the laws of love, dedication, and

honor. Believe it or not, Joan Colt's over when we drafted that paragraph.

Wow.

There's a penalty of $100 ,000 for whoever reneges on the contract? You

know what you're doing, huh? You've got to get me out of this. I can't marry

Brad Campbell.

And I've got about 48 cents on my checking account.

All right, well, we'll see what we can do.

I'll give you a call this afternoon.

Great. Thanks.

You're welcome. Bye.

Well?

I don't think we should pursue this.

We just told her that we... This.

Oh.

Okay. It's too hard.

Too distracting.

All right. Very good, then.

All righty, then.

I'm sorry, I just can't my brain believe that you're sleeping with Stella

Bessie. You're making this up. I'm not. We've done it six and a half times now.

What's a half supposed to mean?

All right, shut your mouth.

Oh, my God.

Wow, look at those things. Crystal could have used those to wrap the Reichstag.

I know things. What's going on?

The school paper's running a story about my weight loss, so of course they

needed the old Tommy Lasorda giant pants shot.

Man, you're like one of those Russian nesting dogs. You just keep getting

smaller. Yeah, right.

I'm going to crack open and a tiny Joseph Stalin's going to wobble out.

what's with the Miata?

I just added it to the list.

What list?

Mark's making a list of all the things he can do now that he's thinner.

Yep. When I was 480, there was no way I could have squeezed my bulk into the

cockpit of a Miata.

Now I can.

Only I had $24 ,000.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

Mike, this is so exciting.

It's like you're getting a star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Sign. Oh, look at you with your false modesty. I know how much this means to

you. Oh, here they go. Get ready.

All right.

Say new sign. Wait, no. You have to make a neat sound to smile. Say, me seen.

Me seen.

Wow. Yeah, wow.

Whoa. What?

Walter Randolph Jerome?

Walter Randolph Jerome?

Oh, good morning, partner. How's Bayou?

What's Randolph doing on the side?

Oh, that's my middle name. I have a great uncle, Randolph.

Terrific answer.

Don't play down with me, Dr. Jerome. I know you put it there to make your name

bigger than mine. That's absurd.

Oh, yeah? Then why didn't you run it by me? Because you're trying to one -up me,

that's why. Stop acting like a drunk flamingo. Don't you call me a drunk

flamingo. I'm in equal partners practice.

They're not really fighting.

They are rehearsing. The comedy's a kid.

Their catchphrase is drunk flamingo, so... Listen

to this. Brad and Lisa shall have no less than two children, but no more than

four children by the age of 50. Who thinks like that?

Well, it seems like a reasonable goal, you know, three kids by the age of 50. I

agree, just not to fulfill a contractual obligation.

I can't believe any court would even hear this case.

No court would.

Paragraph 28.

If either party contests the terms of the contract, the matter goes into

arbitration. Oh, my God. That's so brilliant. Did you

just smell me?

What? No.

I think you just smelled me.

No. No. I didn't just smell you. I heard you make a sniffing sound. You went...

No, I don't recall making that sound. Oh, no, no, you definitely made it.

I had like a sniffle, you know? Like I was catching a cold or something, a

sniffle. But you didn't smell me. No, absolutely not.

My mistake.

No problem.

Well, that talk made me curious.

So that time you smelled me? That time, yeah. Previous time, no.

And?

Want to go to my place? Yeah.

Hey, Mark.

Hey, Winner.

Listen, I've been meaning to tell you, you're looking really great.

Oh.

Um, thanks.

Hey, Jimmy.

Hey. Bye, Mark.

Dude, Lynette Martin?

Yeah. What's that like, having Lynette Martin drooling over your scrawny ass?

She's just being polite.

Oh, come on. How does it feel?

It's kind of surreal, but good.

God, he must be loving life these days.

You know, you can spy the hell out of me.

How do you mean? You going to lose weight? I'm getting Vanacord.

What do you mean? I'm having gastric bypass surgery.

You are?

Yeah, I'm going in next week. I'm so psyched, I can't even tell you. And

doing this because of me?

Yeah. Look at you. How could I not?

Later, skinny.

Later.

So you think anyone will notice I'm wearing yesterday's clothes? I doubt it.

about me?

No.

Wait, we spent the night at your place. How come you're wearing the same thing?

Solidarity. We're in this thing together.

Nice. But speaking of this thing, we probably need a new plan of action for

night of last night's festivity.

Right, right. Do you have any thoughts? Only one. Whichever plan we choose, the

festivities must continue.

Yeah, you think so? Oh, yeah. I'm going to have to insist on more festivities.

All right, okay.

Well, in that case, how about this?

Well, during the work hours, we're business as usual. Just the same as

And at the end of the work day, we shift into festivity mode. Yes, and just to

keep our boundaries super clear, we'll get one of those really loud quit -in

-time whistles.

Right, right. And a big old dinosaur, so when the whistle blows, we can slide

down his back, just like Fred Flintstone. Perfect. Then we're all set.

What do you say we kick off tonight's festivities with a movie?

Ed, you can't ask me out during work hours. I'm sorry.

Movie's good.

I swear, I've never seen such petty behavior in my entire life. They're like

nine -year -olds fighting over a Zagna bar.

What? And it isn't any better now that they're equal partners?

If anything, it's worse, because now Mike is giving us going to be guests,

that drives Dr. Jerome crazy.

They're both intelligent men. You'd think they could find some way to work

together.

Ahoy there, crew members.

Hi, Toby.

Hi, Toby.

How you doing? You doing okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. You? Me?

Gangbusters. Went to Foxwoods last weekend.

It's an Indian casino.

Right. This is one pale face that left with plenty of wumpum.

So, Nancy, I couldn't help but overhear about your husband's little conundrum at

work. Oh, yeah. It's nothing, really.

I can fix it.

You can?

How? Well, believe it or not, before I got into the comptroller game, I spent

years as a professional conflict management consultant.

Which is what exactly?

Corporations used to hire me to teach their executives how to get along and

improve productivity.

It's partially funny that Oshkosh Bogosh is the finely oiled machine

it is today.

Thank you so much, Toby. I will definitely keep that in mind. Feel free

me at home.

I will. Great.

Oh, and if a woman answers the phone, it's my new girlfriend, Linda.

Okay.

Thank you, Toby.

Ahoy! Sweet.

I saw Harrison Ford on TV last night. He was wearing an earring. So?

I don't know. He just doesn't seem like an earring guy.

It saddened me a bit, honestly.

You know what I mean?

I guess.

What's the matter with you, Holmes? I'm still worried about Jimmy.

Yeah, I really am. I mean, that surgery's risky, you know? What if

goes wrong? He'll probably be fine.

Yeah, but if he isn't, I'm responsible.

I don't see how, Mark. It's not like you talked him into it.

No, I didn't have to talk. I just had to strut around like Mr. Finny McFinn got.

I'm like the poster boy for this thing. Well, if it'll make you feel better, why

don't you just sit him down and make sure he knows all the pros and cons?

way, no matter what he decides, you're in the clear.

Right. Maybe I'll bring him to my support group meeting.

We'll come with you. Right, Warren?

What, the obesity group?

Is my kind welcome there? What, Presbyterians? Absolutely.

Listen to me.

You violated the ordinance, and now you owe the town $3 ,000. We're done

talking. No, we're not done.

No, Lewis.

Come on. Lewis.

We're done. It's over. I don't care.

We're done.

Okay. From now on, no matter what you say, I'm going to respond with the

Clams Casino.

Clams Casino.

Clams Casino.

Clams Casino.

Son of a bitch hung up on me. What can I do for you guys?

Hi, Mr. Campbell, I'm Ed Stevens. I'm Lisa Barnes' attorney. This is Frankie

Hector, my associate. We were wondering if we could talk to you about your

contract with Lisa Barnes.

Is she contesting the terms? Because if she's contesting the terms, we can go

right to arbitration.

No, no, Lisa just wanted to make absolutely sure that you're serious

Serious? No.

I drew up that brilliantly structured, legally binding, 150 -page contract just

for giggles.

Because I'm a silly clown man.

Mr. Campbell, why are you doing this? You don't need to do this. You're

successful, good -looking.

Please, more patronizing.

What we're saying is we're sure you could find someone that actually wants

marry. My physical beauty intimidates women.

They're afraid to approach me. Seems to me if you really cared about Lisa, you

wouldn't be doing this. You can't force her to love you. If it's meant to be,

it'll just be.

Then it'll be.

Because the legally binding contract we both wrote and signed declares that it's

meant to be. Look, Mr. Campbell, we really think you should be in this

If you could just listen to what we... Clams Casino.

Thank you. Let's go.

Give my love to Lisa.

Hi, Nancy. Hi.

Oh, my Lord.

What? I was named after my great -uncle, Michelangelo Hieronymus Anti

-Disestablishmentarianism Burton.

You and the biathlon and... Are you mocking me, Dr. Burton? You started it

adding the Randolph. I didn't start anything, you upright St. Bernard.

Mike! Dr. Jerome!

The patients can hear you.

You two have got to figure this out.

All due respect, Mrs. Burton, your husband is a slack -jawed llama.

Stop calling me animals. I'll call you whatever! Okay, stop!

I have a solution.

You need a conflict management consultant.

Oh, what?

His name is Toby Gibbons, and he helps executives settle their differences.

And he is the best in the business.

Ed, did you read my brief?

I did.

What? Why are we talking about work? Because we're in the middle of a

day. We're right back.

Dad in the middle of work hours.

Yeah, well, I'm about to do some serious work right here.

Dad? Yeah? Do you really think we can handle this? Handle what?

This. This.

Working together. Sleeping together.

Plus the pressure of sneaking around until nobody finds out about it.

I'm just really not totally understanding why we're doing that. No,

can totally handle it, but... Well, if it makes it easier to...

Stick to the rules.

Then I guess we can go right back to the office.

Kind of too bad, though. I brought my A -game today.

Wait. Last time, that wasn't your A -game?

Heck no.

Screw it.

I'm so fat, I can sit on a corner.

And when I get up, it's two dimes and a nickel.

I'm so fat, when I dance, it skips.

No, no, I'm so fat, when I get on an elevator on the first floor and press

it says, hey, be real.

I'm so fat, Stephen Hawking is writing a new book called A Brief History of My

Ass.

Mantor, hey, where's the rest of them? On holiday in Rio.

This is Warren, this is Diane, and this is my friend Jimmy I told you about.

Hey. Hey, guys, I'm so fat, when I sit around the house... I sit around the

house. You know what I'm saying?

That's good.

So, Jimmy, we hear you're getting ready to go under the knife.

Yeah, ready to go.

He looks about Nora's age, doesn't he?

Yeah, he does.

Who's Nora?

Tell him, Mary.

She got the surgery.

Didn't go so well.

Why? What happened? There were complications.

What about her?

She died, Jimmy.

Just think it all through, okay?

Well, thanks.

Dude, can you fly coach now?

Since there's not a lot of precedent, you're going to need to expand the

argument. I made some notes.

Yes, I see.

And that breach of contract stuff, Frankie, I'm just not so sure there's a

place to use that.

You mean the stuff under the giant red X? Yeah.

It's just too corporate.

Our argument needs to be much more personal. Gotcha.

Less corporate, more personal.

Not a problem. I can make it more personal.

Easy mistake to make.

Well, good thing you caught it now, then.

Well, anyway, we can work on that tomorrow. Come on, I promise you a night

the movies.

I don't think I can make it tonight.

Come on, we've got plans.

Yeah, I know. I just need to focus all my attention on this right now. I don't

want to make any more easy mistakes.

Look, Frankie.

I'm a certified Class A workaholic. I'm not going to be happy until this is

perfect. And you're happy, okay?

Okay.

Good morning, Michael.

Okay. Good morning, Walter.

Oh, I don't think you'll be calling me Walter.

If you call him Dr.

Jerome, you're going to have to call me Dr. Burton.

Gentlemen, let's get one thing straight.

This is my show, and I will call you what I choose.

Once I worked with a couple of Fortune 500 senior vice presidents, whom I

addressed as bitch number one and bitch number two.

Now, please, sit down.

Walter.

Michael. In the coming days, I will be saying things to you that you do not

to hear.

I will be taking you places you do not want to go.

But let's begin the journey peacefully with a simple relaxation exercise.

Close your eyes, please.

Picture yourself at the most relaxing place you've ever been.

A beach near a cozy fireplace.

For me, it's in the back of my parents' old station wagon.

When I was little, whenever we'd go on long car trips, my parents would make

a... Bed for me in the space behind the back seat.

I called it the backpack.

The purr of the engine was my lullaby.

I would doze off there in the backpack and wake up nine hours later

at our cabin near Lake Superior.

Dr. Jerome's not relaxing. His eyes are open. His eyes are wide open. He's not

relaxing. Ha! The fact that he saw me proves that his eyes were open. I didn't

see you looking. I sensed you looking. I sensed him.

I sense a drooling baboon sitting next to me.

Unusual case.

Yeah, I agree with you. It's a ridiculous case.

I'm sticking with unusual.

I have your notes here, Mr. Stevens.

Thank you, Ms. Hector.

Mr. Walsh, Mr. Campbell, let's all do ourselves a favor and put this thing

behind us today. Because all this contract does is set the stage for a

complicated legal battle, and in the end...

The result will be the same.

My client will not be forced to marry against her will. This case is simply

worth pursuing for you. Au contraire. My client thinks it is worth pursuing, and

that's all that matters. Now, are you willing to talk compromises here, or

we see each other in arbitration?

Fine. What do you got? Well, my client is willing to allow a minimum of one

child as opposed to the two stipulated in the contract.

That's a compromise? Yeah, it's a compromise.

We'll forget about little Barbara.

Who's little Barbara?

The daughter we're apparently never going to have. You're already naming our

kids? Yeah, after your lovely grandma, no less. That's particularly nice coming

from you. Okay, look.

We're not going to get anywhere here today trying to negotiate children, all

right, or living situations, or who's going to do what chores around the

My client does not want to marry Mr. Campbell. And there's no court, there's

arbitrator that's going to make that. But the penalty clause certainly will be

enforced. Well, Mr. Walsh, there's a case in Arkansas in 1997 involving

burial plots. Now, in these shared... I've got the file right here, Mr.

Thank you, Ms. Hector. Will you hang on to that for a moment?

Yes, Mr. Stevens.

Everything all right?

Yes, Mr. Stevens.

Excuse us for a moment.

I need to speak with my associate.

Miss Hector, if you please.

What are you doing?

What do you mean? I'm doing my job, as always.

Okay. Well, Frankie, I don't have a photographic memory. I'm very sure

never curtsied to me before.

Oh, that. I just threw that in to make it crystal clear that these are business

hours. I'm your employee. Nothing more, nothing less.

Wait, you don't have to do that. Oh, I know. It was a courtesy curtsy. I should

probably have been deeper, though. Let me try again.

Frankie, what in tarnation? Will you just... Look, I get it, all right? You

don't have to prove to me you're my employee. And you don't have to prove to

you're my boss.

What? Come on, Ed. I've written dozens of briefs for you. You've never

the way you did to that last one. I think you triggered a national red ink

shortage. Frankie, I'm sorry, but that brief was a week.

It wasn't that week. It's never that week. And the day it's that week, I'll

in my gun and badge.

Look, I have a client in there. I don't have time for this right now. Let's go

then.

So, when Gulliver is among the Lilliputians, he is himself,

in effect, what?

Warren?

I wasn't raising my hand.

What are the Giants called in Gulliver's Travels? To be honest with you, I've

only read Gulliver's Travels in the original German text, where I believe

Giants are called... I can't really recall the

English translation.

Holy crap, this is embarrassing.

You're a very lucky man, Mr. Cheswick.

Don't forget your papers are due on Friday.

Oh, thank you.

And Literary Club has moved to Wednesday. Mark?

Could you wait a minute?

Me? He's the one that didn't know Brobdingnagian.

This will just take a second. Have a seat.

Okay.

Principal Hudson sent this note. She knows that you're involved with Jimmy

Ressler, and apparently his gastric bypass surgery this morning didn't

go as planned.

What?

Is he okay?

Well, it seems there were some complications.

Complications? What complications?

I don't know. That's all the information I have. I'm sorry.

But he'll be okay, right?

Well, the doctors are with him right now. I'm sure they're doing their best,

we'll know more soon.

Mark, you okay? I need to find out exactly what happened.

I'm going to give Jimmy's parents a call.

Fellas, I'd like you each to take a cushion from the sofa and sit on the

facing each other. Sit on the floor? I'm 71 years old.

Walter.

What in the name of sweet screaming Moses are you doing now?

Exactly what it looks like.

No one's leaving this room until each of you give each other three compliments.

Now, who's first?

I'll start.

Dr. Jerome, your head resembles a very large egg.

Michael. What? That's good, right? Eggs are the perfect food. Three actual,

honest, sincere compliments.

Hey, I'm happy to wait all day.

I brought reading material.

The man's reading a comic book.

This is a graphic novel.

Fine.

Dr. Jerome, you have an encyclopedic knowledge of medicine.

Very good, Michael.

Walter?

Dr. Burton, you have a pleasant bedside manner.

Great.

Call him Walter.

Walter,

you're a very good family man.

Michael, you're a loving father.

I've always liked your cologne.

You have a fine physique.

Yes!

Now we're cooking with gas.

I'm so proud of you.

Hey,

reticor, catch.

Your car's ready, sir.

You bought me a car? We leased it for two hours, so you got about an hour and

minutes of driving pleasure. So get on in there, my brother.

What's the matter?

Jimmy Ressler, something happened during his surgery.

What? There was some stomach leakage.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

He's nowhere near okay.

Thanks to me, he's going to be in and out of the hospital for at least a year,

if he's lucky.

What do you mean, thank you?

Well, if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have gotten the operation.

Oh, yeah, but that's ridiculous.

Yeah, Mark, don't do this to yourself.

Don't do what to myself? If it wasn't for me, Jimmy Ressler would be here in

school right now.

Does anyone want to dispute that fact?

I'm sure his doctors told him what the risks were. And you even went out of

way to explain the risks to him yourself.

Yeah, and you took him to that meeting.

Yeah, and I could have sat him down for a six -month seminar and showed him

everything that could go wrong with colored slides and an overhead

But what makes a bigger impression?

All of that or watching the fat guy get thin?

You aren't thinking clearly about this. No, Diane, I am thinking clearly. Don't

you see?

I am the poster boy for gastric bypass surgery.

No matter what I say about the risks or how many times I say it, any obese

person who knows me is going to take one look at me and shout, give me what he

got, just like Jimmy Ressler did.

Thanks for the car, but I'm just not in the mood to celebrate.

Hey, look how long this french fry is. What's the big deal? Can you imagine the

potato it came from? It must have been one lengthy potato.

That's what I love about you, honey. You're always thinking.

That's my blessing and my curse.

Can I get anybody anything from the bar? No, thank you. No, thanks.

Good.

Look at her head.

She's perfect.

Perfect.

Not too short, not too tall. Cute hair.

She's got a visage that says, Hi, I'm a sweet little pixie. One moment and then,

Hello, I'm a hot...

Little Pixie, the next.

I wonder if when she's at home, she makes out with her pillow and pretends

Ed. Oh, no, no, no. Or if she writes Mrs. Frankie Stevens over and over

Come on, Ed. You guys are so cute together. Why are you going to make your

Yeah, act now while supplies last.

So Frankie and I slept together.

Nice.

Stop being such a buffoon.

Somebody had to do something.

Look, we move on.

Hey, Frankie.

So, Frankie, how's the case going?

Great. Fine.

Yeah, speaking of work, I should probably head back to the office.

Oh, come on. Come on, come on, it's only 9 o 'clock, Ed.

Be a nice boss man and tell this woman to kick up her heel.

Yeah, look, Frankie, you don't have to... No, I really, I want to look

everything over. We can't have any mistakes now, can we?

Hey, Frankie.

Yeah. Hi, Bob.

Great.

You got anything for tomorrow?

I don't know.

Cognizance? Cognizance.

Yeah, cognizance. Like she didn't really know what she was getting into.

Yeah.

That's good. Thank you.

Welcome.

How long do you think this is going to go on for?

What? This.

Detention and hostility. I'm just curious.

How long would you like it to go on for, Ed?

Forever. Perfect work environment. Very productive.

Why don't we just pretend like nothing ever happened between us?

Good. Done.

Perfect.

Mr. Curry, that's a handsome set of lungs you got there.

Dr. Burton. Tell me I'm with a patient. Dr. Jerome, come quick.

I'll be right back, Mr. Curry.

I found him like this. Come on, Toby. This is stupid.

What are you talking about? Look, I didn't swing out of a tree yesterday,

right? I know this is one of your little exercises. Dr. Burton, this isn't an

exercise, I swear.

Dr. Jerome is really dead.

Right -o.

Let me guess. You want to know what my feelings are now that the old egg

coot is gone? I don't think you understand. Here are my feelings, Toby.

Yaha!

Free at last! Thank God Almighty!

Free at last!

Wazoobie! Mike!

This is no joke!

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

I'm not dead, you newt. This is ridiculous.

Turns out you did swing out of a tree yesterday.

You don't fake a man's death, Toby. It's crossing the line. Crossing lines is

exactly what we're here to do.

So how's my taking your mind off your troubles dinner going so far?

Good.

Thank you for doing that.

Really?

Because I think it's sucking.

I do.

I think you're moping.

I think you're feeling sorry for yourself about something that isn't your

And it's going to stop right now.

Okay, is this you going into tough love mode? Because if it is, let's just save

ourselves the trouble.

It isn't your fault. Your operation went well.

I think you're missing the point. Am I?

It's luck, Mark.

Look, it's nothing you can control.

It's funny.

They talk to you all about these statistics, but in the end, you're the

statistic that really matters.

Okay? In my world, gastric bypass surgery goes smoothly 100 % of the time.

complications, no problem.

So why do I have all the luck and he doesn't get any? Mark.

Four months ago, you weighed 475 pounds.

You couldn't walk from homeroom to English without breaking a sweat.

Your doctors told you you were on the fast track to all kinds of medical

problems, including dying.

Dying, Mark.

Very young.

You really think you got a lot of luck.

More than Jimmy Russell.

Look, everybody's dealt a hand.

Tiger Woods looked at his cards and he said, Cool.

I can hit a golf ball 400 yards.

Somebody else said, darn, I'm only ever going to be 4 '11". And someone else

said, I can't believe I'm going to get hit by a bus on my 21st birthday.

Luck.

Luck. Luck.

Hey,

all you can do is just keep going.

Well, in my 20 years of arbitration, I can safely say I've never seen a case

quite like this. And I'm sure there's a very good reason for that. Exactly.

Mr. Walsh, let's start with you.

Okay, simple. This is a contract. It was not only signed by them, it was also

written by them. Two consenting, fully informed adults.

My client wants it enforced.

You don't want to marry him. I really don't. But you want her to marry you,

though she doesn't want him.

Yes. How come?

You may not be able to see this at first glance, but...

I happen to be very lovable.

And if she would live up to her end of the bargain, she'd have loved me.

And we'd end up telling this whole silly tale to our grandkids over pasta

primavera at the Olive Garden.

Was that you being lovable?

Yes, it was.

But she won't marry you.

So you want to enforce the penalty clause.

$100 ,000.

Mr. Stevens.

Lisa, why did you enter into this contract?

Because I was out of my blooming gourd.

And because you found me lovable.

Keyword, found.

That'll come back, baby. Trust me. May I?

Continue, Mr. Stevens.

Thank you.

Lisa entered into this contract for the exact same reason that Brad did. They

wanted to take all the risk out of love and relationships. They wanted to

guarantee with a 150 -page legal document that things would all work out.

it doesn't work that way.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, rules don't work.

What about a prenuptial agreement?

Sure, to divide things on the way out, not on the way in.

So did you guys ever see Reality Bites?

Me neither.

But I've worn out a few dozen copies of the soundtrack.

And there's a song on there that reminds me of you two.

May I?

You say he only hears what he wants to.

You say he talks so all the time.

So.

Walter thought that Mike was simple.

Mike thought that he didn't belong.

And then when you faked your death, you know you had done something wrong

because I missed you.

Yeah, he missed you.

So I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up, and Toby Gibbons was singing my

song. Walter's in love and Mikey's run away.

Walter was crying because Mikey won't stay. That's enough. I'm done.

Oh, come on, Walter, sing a little bit. It's good for you.

He's right, Walter. You really ought to, because it'll feel so good and air it

out. No, I've had all I can take, you washed -out, dope -faced ignoramus. I

don't care what happens to this practice as long as I don't ever have to speak

to you again, you pasty, beady -eyed, marshmallow -brained... I'm an animal.

You're a possum!

I'm not an opossum. Get out!

Well, this is my decision.

Obviously, Miss Barnes can't be forced to marry someone. That's simply not done

in this country. Which leaves us with a fairly cut -and -dried breach of

contract case.

Because of the precision with which this agreement was crafted, I do believe

that Mr. Campbell is due compensation.

However,

$100 ,000 seems excessive to me.

Therefore, I'm ruling that Miss Barnes pay Mr. Campbell...

The amount of $500.

Just enough to cover a few dates with a prospective new bride.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thanks. You're welcome.

This will be the best money I've ever spent.

Want to grab a cup of coffee?

I really don't.

What's out here now?

Well, Mrs. Burton, how nice to... Down, both of you.

Toby Givens might be afraid of you boys, but I am not. And I am here to give you

my solemn promise that if you two don't start getting along right now, I will

murder you both in cold blood. Michael, I will strangle you in your sleep. Dr.

Jerome, I will break into your house in the cover of night and I will beat you

senseless with my bare fist.

Do you understand the words I'm saying?

You two are equal partners. Get it? Equal. That means you compromise on

everything.

Starting... with this sign.

Do you like it? I hope so.

Because the alternative is death.

Now, go back to work.

Both of you.

Go! Always a pleasure, Mrs. Burtman.

Hi, honey.

Mike?

I made you let us make the finish bigger.

Shh.

Get back to work.

Everyone gone?

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to take off, too.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. You were right today.

About what?

What you said about rules.

They don't work when it comes to affairs of the heart, as they say.

Look, Frankie, I'm sorry about the way I behaved. No, no, I'm the one who's

sorry. I'm sorry. I was acting like a... I

guess it's just too hard sharing an office.

Huh.

I guess so.

So, you think we'll be back to normal tomorrow or still awkward?

I say we start off awkward and shoot for normal by lunchtime.

Sounds like a plan.

Okay.

Okay.

You know, I just think that tomorrow's going to be actually really, really

awkward. Why is that?

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