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I'm not even cracking a smile. Not even cracking a smile. Am I enjoying myself?

No, Mike, not cracking a smile. You know why? Because you're not eight?

Because the comic section sucks now.

It's stale. Things have gotten stale. Take Palumi, for instance.

I thought they were going to shake things up when she opened up her own

shop, but no.

Here she is watching Dagwood eat another giant sandwich. All right, I got

something to cheer you up. What's that? It's an old classic.

Ten bucks if you chatter that guy.

Come on, Mike. We're not in high school anymore.

Ten bucks, Edward.

What? Want me to chatter the guy? I'll chatter the guy.

What the hell is your problem?

Good question, good question. Everybody ask, everybody ask.

Curious, curious.

You're having your own napkin, your own napkin. You're all pushed off with a

napkin. Move that counter. That's it, everybody eats. Everybody eats for your

own counter. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Everybody eats, everybody eats.

Everybody stares.

Everyone's angry.

the sky tonight there I can keep by

your side watching the wide world riot

and hiding out I'll be coming home next year

Almost there, almost there.

That's it.

I drilled three perfect bowling ball holes this morning. How many other

can say that?

May I?

What?

There's a family here in need of legal assistance.

Fine. What's all my holes?

Two are serviceable.

One is an insult to the art form.

Which one?

If you need to ask, then you will never know.

Oh, Mr. Stevens.

Hi. Oh, sorry, my hands are dirty. I'm drilling and pulling.

Plus, never mind.

I'm Steve Bryan.

This is my wife, Kay. Hi, nice to meet you. This is our son, Tim. Hi, Tim. Hi.

We need a lawyer.

Yeah, I can see that. Tim's on the football team over at Jasper Town.

Quarterback. He threw for 824 yards last season.

Mom. I can't be proud of my son.

You're a badass.

What can I do for you folks?

Two weeks ago, the Knights were playing against Duckyville.

Tim was the starter. My boy launches a beautiful spiral.

Incomplete. The play's blown dead.

That's the thing I know. This kid John Halpern's got him by the face, man.

Slammed him to the ground like mankind going after Triple H.

And this happened after the whistle, you say?

I could have gone home and made flapjacks between the time that ref blew

whistle and that kid laid into my son.

Oh, strained ligaments in the neck, torn muscle in the upper back, disc damage.

This kid did a number on you, huh?

Medical bills are killing us.

Doctors say he's got to have physical therapy, expensive physical therapy, for

several months if he's going to get a shot at a football scholarship.

We just don't feel that we should have to pay this all by ourselves.

I understand.

If you think this was a rough game and you're bound to get injured sooner or

later, so this wasn't part of the game.

Helper hates my guts because I'm going out with his ex -girlfriend.

So you think this was revenge?

I'm nodding.

Right. I want to go over a few of the topics you'll be faced with post

I already gave Mark a list of possible side effects.

Yeah, I committed it all to memory.

Blood clotting and stomach acid leakage were my favorites.

These are serious stuff.

Sorry, Dr. Burton, but I find the hungrier I am, the more I need to make

it with bitter sarcasm. I also want to talk about what you can expect in terms

of caloric intake after the operation.

For the first two weeks, you'll eat only pureed food mixed with water or broth.

The baby food phase.

That's correct.

And gradually, we'll introduce soft solids.

Soft -cooked eggs, pasta, melted cheeses. Fine, but what about the main

I mean, when am I going to be able to enjoy a nice cut of prime rib?

That's going to take a while.

In a few months, you might be able to enjoy a bite or two of steak.

A bite or two?

After the operation, you're only going to be able to eat about 400 calories a

day.

How many calories am I used to eating?

6 ,000.

You're not telling me I'm going to have to go from eating 6 ,000 calories a day

to eating 400?

Yep. My gerbil eats more than that. I mean, how is that even possible? Vitamin

supplements. Your appetite will be so diminished, you won't even really want

eat. You'll see.

Your Honor, I want to show you something.

Let's call this Exhibit A, shall we? You know how I got this?

The bottom of a pileup trying to recover a fumble. I was 17. It was a big game.

Just had to die for that ball. Didn't even cross my mind that there'd be two,

count them, two football teams on top of me.

That's what happens when you play sport like football. Who doesn't have a scar

or two from the glory days on the field?

This is nothing more than a sports injury. A bad one, I know. But it

the field during a game.

There's no case here.

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens?

Tim Ryan was a star quarterback for the Jasper Town Knights. Last season, he

threw for over 800 yards, 27 touchdowns.

Scholarship to a top -notch college was a lock. And then John Hopper came along

and ruined all that. Now, why?

Mr. Hopper assaulted Tim because he was jealous over a girl.

This could have happened after school. It could have happened in a parking lot.

It could have happened at the mall. This time, it happened on a football field.

Does that make it any less of a crime, though?

I don't think so.

Thank you.

Defense motion for summary judgment is denied. We'll hear our first witness on

the 22nd.

In a world where up is down and black

is white, 1 ,000 students and 37 teachers have been trapped together on a

planet known only as Duckyville High.

At a time when the mock trial team is qualified for state, French Club is

meeting for baguettes and cheese at 30, and the girls' volleyball team has a

game tonight at Jasper Town.

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself, am I in a public high school or on a

hedonistic spa vacation?

All righty, that's getting old fast.

And now it's time for the old MVB award.

This week's most valuable bonehead award goes to that special little lady who

not only had the brains to lock herself out of the car, but who locked herself

out of the car while it was still running.

Congratulations, Miss Bessie. You are this week's most valuable bonehead.

Oh, Miss Hudson got you so good.

Play it just got played.

Excuse me. Mr. Stevens!

Hi.

Wow. You were really great back there. Thanks.

Frankie Hector.

Nice to meet you, Frankie Hector. So, I'm a lawyer, too. Oh, really?

Really. I mean, I haven't actually practiced yet, but I just graduated from

school, passed the bar, and I'm raring to go. Oh, where'd you go to law school?

NYU. My boyfriend and I moved to Stuckyville last week. That's great.

great. Well, good luck, Frankie.

You see, Mr. Stevens, I don't just happen to be in the courthouse today by

chance. Okay.

I'd heard about the sensational attorney, Edward J. Stevens, and so I

check him out.

Turns out my sources were correct. You are, in fact, sensational, and I would

like to offer up my services.

Exactly what kind of services are you referring to? I want to work for you,

Stevens. I want to be an attorney at law at Stuckyville's finest firm.

Well, that's very flattering, Frankie, but I'm not hiring.

Don't you want to look at my resume, interview me, maybe take some time to

consider it? There's really just no point, but welcome to Stuckyville. I'm

you'd do great here.

I've never seen you like this before.

Well, my grandparents are from Russia. We're a world weary people. Read Chekhov

or Tolstoy. Only one of your grandparents is Russian. So, I enjoy the

embellishment for dramatic effect. Is that a crime?

You saw Dr.

Pillow, though.

Yeah. Well, did he have bad news or something? Where's that, Tiger Lilies?

Down, Cheswick. Oh, good morning to you too, Krabby. To answer your question,

Diane, I had a great check. I go under the knife next Thursday.

Well, I don't get it. I thought you were looking forward to becoming mini -Mark.

Yeah, me too, but apparently after the operation, I'll be lucky if I can keep

down a scrambled egg. And don't even get me started on the toast, bacon, and

hash browns. Yeah, well, I said that's a good thing.

You don't get it. I'm a gourmand. Nothing moves me like a fine risotto or

larage. Do you know anyone else who Peebo's the Food Network? That's a good

point. Food gives the world color to me. After the operation, everything will be

black and white. Hey, Raging Bulls in black and white? That's a great film.

Okay. What would you say your greatest pleasure is, Cheswick?

Girls? Girls, women, ladies, yeah, anything else.

Just imagine how you'd feel if you had to undergo an operation that would take

away your libido.

Forever.

Now, Tim, how long had you been dating Chloe Hansen at the time of the

About a week. A week. And how long did John Hopper and Chloe go out?

Here's the information you wanted, Mr. Stevens.

Right, there it is. The most pertinent information's at the top. Other relevant

material is at the bottom.

Can I get anyone some coffee?

No, no, that's fine, Miss Hector. We're all good here. All right.

I'll be in my office if you need me.

Good day.

I could use the chai latte.

I hate to admit it, but your announcement was mildly amusing.

Mildly the funniest thing ever.

Four hours.

Yes, we've established that now. Hey, if you guys are going to do something as

glaringly defiant as playing hacky -tack in the halls, at least better invite me

in. Come on.

All right, listen.

on, you wacky hacky -sackers.

That was impressive.

You're such a woman of the people.

Yeah, well, I am trying to be the coolest principal in the history of the

Oh, oh, wow, look at that. Principal Hudson. The photo remains pristine.

Remember, Genesis had horns on it by the end of the first day. Well, if I recall

correctly, I think he liked it that way.

Remember old Mr. Tingley?

Yeah, yeah, every year, with the afro and the Hitler mustache on. He was a

little dictator, wasn't he?

How long do you think it'll be for you?

Oh, ye of little faith.

Just because the two of you know that I'm not cool doesn't mean I have to.

Look at this, Mike.

She compiled every court case where legal action was taken against athletes

violent behavior on the field of play. Every one.

Do you remember what she did if you actually hired her? That's amazing. Oh,

at this. Dino Cicero. Remember him, the pro hockey player? The guy who got

arrested for picking up the morning paper in the nude?

Yeah. The guy who was too lazy to actually put on any clothing? You got to

respect that. Well, he was also convicted in jail for slashing a guy

stick during a game. I don't respect that.

And then there's State v. Forbes, Hackford v. Cincinnati Bengals, Tom

v. California Sports. The list goes on and on. It's amazing.

When are you supposed to even as v. Burton will join the list?

Why would I ever sue you, Mike?

The way I use you on the basketball court, a man can only take so much.

The way you... No, no, no, no, please.

I live inside your head. I own you. I rule you. You're but a mere servant. Ed

Stevens beat them.

Hey, Ed.

What?

Hire Frankie.

This girl's good.

Yeah, she is.

Cheswick. Yes?

What are you doing?

Just checking the tranny fluid.

Well, the engine has to be on, you know.

Yeah, I know that.

I was just calibrating the dipstick.

I've been thinking.

Yeah, it's kind of your shtick, isn't it? I want to do something special for

Mark before surgery.

My God, are you going to give him your flower?

I want to cook him dinner.

All right, that's cool, too. You saw how he was. I think you and I should...

Cook something really special for him. Kind of like a going away party for his

stomach. Yeah. Yeah, cool.

What do you want to cook him? Let's make him his favorite food ever. Okay.

His favorite food ever.

Did you get my message?

When you left on the scoreboard? Yeah, I'm not great with the whole phone

so I hope it's okay if we communicate via overhead bowling scoreboard. Yeah,

that shouldn't be a problem. Oh, I forgot one thing. What's that?

Regina versus Mackey in 1969. More pro hockey players who assaulted each other

with their sticks.

Right, yeah, right.

You've probably done all the research anyway.

Thank you. Thank you for the research. It helped a lot. You're welcome. But

there's still no job.

That's fine. I just want to go to lunch. And what are we going to talk about at

lunch? You giving me a job? There's no job. Kidding. We can talk about other

stuff. My salary, hours, benefits. Seriously, Frankie, there's no job.

Well... In that case, I need something to eat. There's no towel.

Fine, but we're talking about lunch, Ed.

Lunch. There's... All right.

What do you like, boss?

I... Well, I didn't mean it like, what do you like, employer, man. I meant it

like, what do you like, Pally?

Or Guy?

Friends?

What do you like, Brooke?

So, I was watching the show on A &E last night. It was about this guy, um, Karl

Warnowski. Oh, yeah. Yeah, lived in Kansas City.

Ate a bunch of people. Never heard of him. Oh, she was huge. Yeah, he really

up the numbers. Anyway, whatever.

He's about to go to the electric chair, and you know what he requests for his

last meal? What?

Chicken nuggets and tater tots.

So,

the man liked his nuggets and taters. This guy was the cannibal of Kansas

Is that what you picked?

Of course not.

What would your last meal be, then?

Hmm, man.

My last meal on earth, huh?

Well, I guess I'd start off with some Canadian sturgeon caviar and scallops,

pants seared in a chai beurre blanc.

Let me see, maybe brie on hazelnut bread. And then a nice soup, like a

turkey rice perlou, or maybe huitlacoche.

It's a soup made of corn fungus. It's South American.

Let's see, then something light.

Squid strings in pesto. It's as tasty as it sounds gross.

We want something with a pronounced mouthfeel, something creamy.

How about some fettuccine alfredo? Ah, the palate of a little rascal, Cheswick.

I'm thinking creamy lima bean gratin and then a risotto. A risotto with white

truffles. White truffles? The diamond at the table. You might as well scrap the

whole meal without it.

So, is that it? Maybe throw in some spinach artichoke dip from TGI Fridays.

Guilty pleasure.

What to eat?

What to eat? What to eat?

I highly recommend the BLT.

What's so special about the BLT? You may not be aware of this, but frying bacon

is an exact science, and the cook here has mastered the perfect level of bacon

crispness. Oh, how do you know I share the same definition of perfect level of

bacon crispness as you? I have my ways.

Ready to order?

I'll have the BLT, please.

Well, I'm not crazy.

BLT as well, please.

Coming right up.

So what brings you to Stuckyville? My boyfriend Leon is an architect.

A friend of his has a firm hair, asked Leon to come aboard as partner, so here

we are.

Architectural firm. Mitchell and West? Soon to be Mitchell and Robert.

What happened to West? Went nuts, moved to Aruba. He's the captain of a glass

-bottomed boat now.

Nice.

Ed, do you know anything about hens, loaves, sparrows?

Sparrows? No, I'm not really a bird guy. Really?

Totally had you pegged as a bird guy.

You did?

Anyway, back to the hens, loaves.

They warble, the most amazing song. But if there's only one of them, you can

barely hear it. Put two hens, loaves together, the volume increases

exponentially. Suddenly, it's like there's a hundred of them.

Thank you, Frankie.

That's a nice metaphor. The fact remains I'm not hiring.

Okay. Whatever.

Now you don't want the job?

Oh, no, no. I want it. I'm just not asking anymore.

I've changed my tack. From now on, I'm playing hard to get.

Sneaky. I think so.

Well, obviously everyone's not here, but we've got a lot to cover, so why don't

we just get started anyhow?

On Tuesday... Hi, John.

Have a seat.

Man's struggle against nature.

Santiago's battle against this giant fish.

Hello?

Anyway, what does Santiago mean when he says man is not made for defeat? He can

be destroyed, yes, but not defeated.

What are you up to?

Just rethinking my wall space.

Oh, no offense, but Dennis had the interior decorating sensibility of a

No.

Hey, Miles, listen.

Why are my juniors coming in late to class?

Which class?

The one right after lunch.

I feel like I'm running a youth hostel in Amsterdam. People just wandering in

whenever they feel like it. I gave the juniors off -campus lunch privileges.

You did? That's not just a senior perk anymore?

Well, the... 16, you know, they've officially entered young adulthood.

reasonable. It does, yes, but the problem is they're not actually making

to class in time.

I had to wait 15 minutes, Dave, before I had enough students to even start

class. That's not counting all the disruptions I had to put up with as they

wander in. There you go. I only got through half my lesson plan. That puts

behind for the whole week. All right, I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

Boob fighters.

Nice. Where's it written that a principal can't like cool music?

Huh.

Coach Cooper, are they in there?

I'm telling you, nothing happened on that field that I don't see every day,

twice on Sundays.

Coach, I just want to ask him a few questions, that's all.

He didn't play football, did he, Stevens?

No, not really. Flag.

All right, listen up, guys. This is Mr. Stevens. He's a lawyer.

He's going to ask you a few questions. It won't take long.

Okay. Well, hey.

Hey, guys. How are you?

How you doing?

I'm sure by now you all know what this is about.

A couple weeks ago, the quarterback of the Jasper Town Knights was hurt pretty

bad in a game by one of our guys. What we're trying to find out is whether it

was purely an accident, which may very well have been, or whether there was

something more to it.

Okay, so I'm going to ask a few questions, and if you've got any answers

anybody else has anything at all that they'd like to add, then please feel

to speak up.

Okay, great. So who was closest to the players in question when the whole thing

went down?

Anybody see anything at all?

All right, well, maybe something was said after the tackle, fellas? Like, was

there any kind of hostility that you sensed on behalf of the players? Maybe

there's some trash talking to John or obscenities or that kind of thing?

Maybe a quick game of patty cake broke out?

All right, well, yeah.

I don't know if Coach Kerwin mentioned this, but I'm not the devil.

Sometimes a little confusion about that.

No, I'm just trying to figure out why a guy, after the play has ended, would

grab another guy by the face mask and throw him brutally to the ground.

it seems kind of odd to me.

Apparently that's just me.

Okay, fellas.

It's been very helpful.

See? Like I told you, just a typical hit, a typical game.

Nothing more.

Is what happened to Tim Ryan, the face masking, the throwing to the ground, is

that a rare occurrence in football?

It happens all the time.

Really? How often?

Oh, probably once a week. Somebody gets laid out pretty good.

Yesterday at practice, John Fish popped Steve Gomez like a bottle of Kendall

Jackson. Caught him admiring one of his own passes. Boom!

God, that kid is still picking dirt out of his teeth.

Yeah, you don't see him getting all lawyered up.

But wasn't the hit on Tim Ryan a particularly vicious tackle, Coach

No, not particularly, no.

No, look, look.

Football ain't exactly ice dancing, okay? It is a rough, fast sport.

are made quickly and instinctually. It's the nature of the game.

Unlike I, Stancy.

Well, thank you. No further questions.

All righty, all eyes up here.

Billy, remember, it's chew, breathe, chew, chew, breathe, chew. That's it.

it flow.

Very nice. Thank you. Okay.

Here's the thing.

In return for me letting you eat here, I need something from all of you.

No more showing up to class late. It ends today.

on this whole thing.

All those in favor of eating out having to show up to class on time saying

Principal Hudson is really smart and hot and the best ever. Principal Hudson is

really smart and hot and the best ever.

That's what I thought.

How's it going over there?

Oh, fine.

I just have a question.

How are we ever going to find H?

with the tentacles removed and reserved for another use.

In the same way, we will find dirty turkey rice per little.

Yeah, and not to jump too far ahead into the future here, but when and if we do

find this stuff, how are we going to cook it?

What's up?

Eli. Wait a minute.

Are y 'all two creeping behind Big Moc's back? We're trying to put together a

dinner. We're trying to, you know, give him a last meal.

He's having a little work done.

Yeah, I heard. Y 'all have some fancy -ass stuff here, man.

Oh, screw.

You know, maybe I can help you. I used to own a restaurant.

You know someone who can cook these kinds of things?

I know the greatest chef in the world. He can cook anything.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of restaurant are you in?

A fish and chips.

Ah, a fish and chips. I see.

All right.

No, no, no, no, no. Please. We would appreciate any help you could give us.

I'll do it for you.

Adisa, yo, what's up, man?

Yo, yeah, it's me, Eli, dude. Yeah, how you doing, man? Everything good with

you? Hey, listen, man, look, my friends here are preparing a special meal for a

friend, and they got some real tough ingredients here. They need a chef,

Wait a minute, no, I know I didn't hear you right. I know I didn't hear you

right. Dude, come on, man. I got to have heard you wrong just now.

Your girl wants you to take her to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

You got to go to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Now, I'm not mad, man.

No, I'm livid, dude.

I'm the Krakatoa volcano ready to explode.

I'm sorry, too. Yeah, you know what? Go to Hershey. Have a good time, because

you know why? The party here is over.

Right, yeah, whatever.

How'd that go?

Look, don't worry about it, man. Look, I'll do it, man. Give me a hand.

You? Yeah, me. Who do you think did the cooking when Adisa didn't show up?

You got it.

Yeah, yeah.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I'm ready to do the pesto right now. I'm feeling it.

Don't worry about it. I'll tell you what.

Meet me at the food festival.

Fancy gourmet store.

Right upstairs at Elwood.

All right? Thank you. All right.

He's feeling pesto?

Mr. Hopper, is what you did to Tim Ryan, is that a routine kind of thing?

No.

Facts are usually a little more intense.

You know, you get a clear shot at the QB.

You get pumped.

Pumped. I see.

And when you get pumped, you tend to grab other players by the face mask,

them brutally to the ground.

Objection. Leading.

Stained. Withdrawn, Your Honor. How long do you and Chloe Hanson go out?

About a year.

Objection. Relevant.

I'm getting there. You better.

Overruled.

When did she break up with you?

Six weeks ago. And I wouldn't exactly say she broke up with me. I mean, maybe

she said the words, but we both knew it was over.

Uh -huh.

I see.

When did Tim and Chloe start dating? You're aware they're dating, right?

Yeah. So?

So. Doesn't bother you?

No.

Girl dumps you for another guy and you don't care.

Actually, didn't you blindside Tim Ryan in the most unsportsmanlike way possible

to get back into being your girlfriend?

Objection! Withdrawn.

Nothing further.

Have you ever been tackled by the face mask really hard after the whistle?

Lots of times.

And you never sued?

No. It's just part of the game.

It's just part of the game.

Nothing further.

I just came from marching band practice. I wore a little tassel hat.

I beat the drum. I had so much fun. Sounds like a hoot.

Hey, Mom. Oh, hey, Eugene.

Hey, Paul. How's my trial going?

Listen, let's make a deal. You guys beat Edgewood High, and I will make sure the

cheerleaders show up to all the trials for the rest of the year.

Balls, I need your full attention.

Okay, you have my attention. Right, right now.

What's up?

The juniors still aren't making it back to class in time. Really? What do you

mean? I mean the juniors aren't getting back to their classes on time.

Okay. Okay, maybe that's true, but did you ever think there might be some other

factors at work here? I mean, maybe they're being held up by something

entirely... Molly, it's becoming a real problem.

Yeah, Miles, you've got to do something about it. It's getting out of hand.

Of course.

I'll take care of it right away.

Good.

This is Principal Hudson. I'd like to announce that I am revoking junior lunch

privileges. Any junior caught off campus at lunch, or any other time for that

matter, will, after the first offense, receive two hours of detention.

The second offense will merit an out -of -school suspension.

I have faith that this will cease to be an issue.

Thank you for your time.

What do you think happens if a bear doesn't hibernate? What, do you think

like cranky for the next six months?

Hey, ladies.

Hey, Frankie. Frankie, this is Mike. Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, nice to meet you.

All right, Frankie.

What's in the envelope?

A valuable piece of information that will be enormously helpful to your case.

Is that all? That's all. May I see it then? Gosh, I don't know about that.

maybe if I give you a job, then you'll give me the envelope. Now you're

learning. I'm not going to hide it. Are you sure? Because the envelope really

needs opening.

Oh, I'm sure. This is a one -time deal, Ed. No, thanks, Frankie.

You're lost.

Okay.

I don't know. Maybe you should hire her. What?

No, no. Listen, if she's a real lawyer...

And she really has information that's pertinent to this case.

She'd tell me, you know, whether I hire her or not.

Basic ethics.

I guess.

I think bears have, like, super long dreams when they hibernate.

What's with the bear questions?

It's a mysterious universe, Edward, and I, uh... I'm a curious man.

What about the lamb?

Oh, the lamb won't be a problem as long as we're careful with the seasoning.

You know what I find perfect for seasoning? I like to take whichever cut

I use, put it in a bag with the proper seasoning, and then shake it. We're

spreading the seasonings evenly before baking.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, how can I help you? Yes, I need some squid.

Right over here.

Dude, you call that squid?

Yo, these things are messed up.

They look like baby spiders covered in jello. We stand by our squid.

Sir, I'm sitting by your squid.

Them things look awful. They're all messed up.

Dude, I'm looking for squid that have clear eyes. These things have the eyes

an old wino.

This is all we have.

Come on, don't play me. This is Eli, baby. I know you got him. You got him

tucked around the back for them fancy restaurants.

I don't believe we do.

I can't believe he's playing me like this. You know, how about I had a better

business bureau come up in here? You know, the BBB? Or better yet, the NAACP.

Oh, no, no, no. You know, I'll do one better. I'll bust out the NAACP on your

ass. And triple ACP? Yes, and that's something you don't want to see. So why

don't you go ahead back there and give me the good stuff.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

This is the real squid I want. Now we have everything but the truffles. Oh

let me take care of that.

White truffles, to be exact. Where am I finding those?

White truffles. We're out.

Dude, you want me to call the FBI on you, chump? What's up?

No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't tell in his eyes. He's not lying.

You can come back in a few days.

No, we need him by tomorrow. Is there anywhere else we can go?

Not around here.

If you're looking for truffles by tomorrow, you'd be better off getting a

and rooting them out of the ground yourselves.

Yeah, what, like pigs find truffles?

Yeah. They can smell them in the woods.

What's happening?

I'm laughing because I have a cousin named George who has a pig.

Oh, I think he's got something.

Oh, I think he's got something.

You know, Warren, I really don't appreciate this. Don't appreciate what?

You only come by when you need something.

Oh, come on, George. That's not true.

Last time it was my air compressor. Now it's my pig.

We're cousins, man.

We used to take baths together.

Easy, man.

Come on, give me something.

Roots!

Roots! I think they have to be bred for that.

Hank's a house pig, aren't you, Hank?

Come on, Hank.

Come on, buddy. You were put here for one reason and one reason alone.

To root out truffles.

Now, come on. Give me something.

Roots, damn you! Oh, this is so stupid. There are no truffles in Suckyville. If

there were truffles here, there'd be a truffle factory.

The ones that Mark wants are only found in Italy.

Italy?

Like, Italy, Italy?

That one.

Did you guys ever do anything crazy over someone?

You mean like by a bowling alley?

Ouch. No, like in high school. Did you ever do anything out of jealousy? Thank

you. I think I can safely say I've never face masked anyone.

Me neither. When Mike and I first started dating...

I cut a 10th grade girlfriend's head out of all their pictures and I taped mine

in their plate.

That's just scary now as a boy's then.

What the?

Why, it's got my name on it.

Is that the letter from my cute little lawyer chick?

What does it say?

Question. Who spends a lot of time with the football team but hates the football

team? Holy touchdown, Batman.

Riddler quacks again.

Answer on back.

Could you please state your name for the court?

Wesley Stout.

Mr. Stout, could you please tell us your position on the Stuckeyville High

football team?

I'm the equipment manager.

And that would entail?

Managing the equipment and whatnot.

Now, were you in the locker room the night the Stuckeyville Toyotas took on

Jasper Town Knights?

Yeah, I was there.

Was John Hopper there as well?

Yes. And what was his frame of mind?

He was pretty fired up for this game.

For this game? Why this game?

He had a thing for Tim Ryan.

Thing? What kind of thing?

He said he was going to bust Ryan up for snaking his boo.

Objection! Your Honor, snaking his boo, that's not even English.

Sustained. Mr. Stout, could you please translate that for those of us born

before 1987?

Said he was going to hurt Tim Ryan for stealing his girlfriend.

Thank you, Wesley.

Nothing further.

you two. Keep your hands where I can see them.

Chadley and Bradley.

How's it going? Hey, Chad.

Do you mind if I call you Chadley when you're with Bradley?

Yeah, whatever.

Terry! Hey!

Are you excited for the Model UN Converse this weekend? I guess. It's

exciting. Sure.

I'd like to begin by complimenting Mr. Stevens on a remarkable job.

Why? He's managed to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant,

Halper, doesn't like Tim Ryan.

Can you imagine that? A player on one football team disliking a player on

another football team.

Now, Tim Ryan got hit by John Halper, and he got hit hard.

Was it a dirty tackle? Yes.

Was he penalized for it to the fullest extent of the rules? Should he be

as a criminal for it for the rest of his life?

Don't be ridiculous.

To quote Coach Kerwin, football isn't ice dancing.

Mr. Stevens?

I wish I had a dollar for every time the defense reminded us football's not ice

dancing, because if you're like me, you're always confusing the two of them.

Football and ice dancing. And the defense would also like us to believe

football is the one where you can attack a defenseless player so brutally, so

harshly, that you could change the course of his life forever. Well,

wrong.

They're wrong. Because in football, as in life, there's a spectrum of what's

acceptable. And what John Halper did to Tim Ryan is nowhere to be found within

that spectrum.

Because he wasn't playing football.

He was getting revenge.

That's it.

Thank you.

Warren, what are you doing?

Peeling carrots. That's not peeling. You're hacking that thing up like it's

Leatherface or something.

Stop. Give me the pillow. Give me the pillow.

Give me a carrot.

Give me a carrot. Let me show you, dude. You got to treat it like a lady, man.

Peel it like you're peeling off clothes or something. Check it out.

Just... You feel me, baby?

Maxine, how you living?

What's your name again?

What neck you, baby?

Baby, how are you?

What is that?

Key to the meal.

You got the truffles.

How'd you do that? Found a place on the internet.

Internet truffles? You're a genius.

That's some good stuff. Let me see, let me see, let me see.

How much you pay, buddy?

Oh, if I say that out loud, I might be tempted to put my head in the fryer.

Okay, come on. Come on, people. Let's go.

Enough resting on our laurels.

Do this.

Mr. Foreperson, has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

In the case of Tim Ryan versus John Helper, we fine for the plaintiff.

Court is adjourned.

Ed, thanks for everything.

You really came through. My pleasure.

Not too shabby?

I got to tell you, Frankie, you're going to be a kick -ass lawyer, right? You're

intelligent, you're resourceful, you're creative.

Absent -minded.

Absent -minded? Always losing things like my watch or my keys. Yesterday, it

my purse. I had gone to the football field to look around and left it in the

bleachers. When I went back, it was gone. So I asked Ashley, the

there's a lost and found. She says, yeah, go talk to the football team's

equipment manager.

Well, a little luck never hurts.

And I'm a kick -ass lawyer.

Listen, Frankie, you want the job?

Sorry, Ed. I don't think so.

If you want me, you're going to have to do a little begging. Maybe even a little

groveling. What?

Begging and groveling, Ed. I'll see you.

So you're done being the cool principal.

No, I'm not done. I'm just taking that down because I've got something so much

cooler.

Oh, that's very nice.

I think so. Looks like it's official. You are a real Stuckyville High

Looks like it.

I am dumb.

I mean, come on. Couldn't they come up with something better than that?

So I hope the big surprise wasn't a trip to the bowling alley because I can

smell the shoe spray from like 100 yards away.

Are you ready?

No, no. Let me just hang out here with a blindfold on. Of course I'm ready. The

suspense is killing me.

And what are you supposed to be?

Hi, my name is Warren. I will be your waiter this evening.

Oh, my God.

What have you guys done?

The last meal.

Yeah, minus the electric chair dessert, of course. You guys? It's all here. The

Canadian sturgeon caviar, the brie with hazelnut bread. The squid strings and

pesto. Are you really sure about those, by the way? The roasted rack of Salt

Spring Island lamb.

Everything you asked for. But I was just fantasizing. I didn't mean for you guys

to... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Take a peek at this.

Eli, chop -chop.

Sorry. Forget the chop chop. Yeah, you better kill all that hand clapping

I don't know who you think you are.

Carve your ass like that turkey.

Is that risotto?

Yes, it is.

With white truffles. Risotto with white truffles? The diamond of the table. Try

it.

Oh, mommy.

Hey. Hey, big man, you okay?

I'd cry, but I think all the water in my body just rushed to my mouth.

What are y 'all waiting for?

Look, guys, this is great, but when I finally committed to this surgery, I

committed to a new way of life.

And that doesn't include meals like this.

I can't believe you fell for that. Come on.

Let's eat.

Have a banana, Hannah.

Try the salami, Tommy.

Give it to Gravy Davey.

Everybody eats when they come to my house. I fix your favorite dishes.

Hoping this good food fills ya.

Work my hands to the bone in the kitchen alone.

You better eat if it kills ya.

Pass me a pancake, Mandrake.

Have an undervi...

Look in the fendel mendel Everybody eats when they come to my house

Everybody

eats when they come to my house

I don't know why you have to spare the position of center like

that. I mean, there's only two players that touch the ball in every play.

There's the quarterback.

There's the center. You touched it for like a second.

Still touching it, my friend. Still touching it.

That just makes most... Hey, look who's here.

Was that your groupie? No, no, that's a little demeaning. Don't you think there,

sport? It's not like I called her a sinner.

Hey!

Hey, Ed!

I just wanted to come say hi. Ed, this is my boyfriend, Leon. Leon, this is the

famous Ed.

Come on, now. If I were really famous, you wouldn't have to say my name. Nice

meet you, Leon. Likewise.

Frankie talks about you all the time. Is that right? Really? Oh, she's great.

Anyway, I didn't mean to interrupt you. Enjoy your drink.

Excuse me. Is that it?

No.

No, of course not.

Drink's for me.

Have a good night, you guys.

You okay?

Yeah, sure.

Socks, you totally earned that job.

Whatever.

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