Original subtitles

Why is Stuckyville the greatest town on earth?

Hot ladies.

Stuckyville. True, but New York, Paris, Hong Kong, they all got that. Vancouver.

Don't forget Vancouver, Mike. A lot of beautiful people in Vancouver. I'll tell

you why Stuckyville is the greatest town on earth.

Oh, yes.

That's right. The Great Recliner Rally. That's right, Daniel.

Stuckyville Recliner Rally, which, by the way, I'm going to win this year.

Finally bring some honor to this family.

You're just lucky the two -time defending champ's not racing, you know

saying? Now, you notice I've replaced the regular wheels with racing slicks.

Yeah. They're durable, but loose enough to get me off to a good start.

And check this out. See that? What exactly am I looking for here? You see

muscle definition?

I'm working out the peroneus longus and peroneus brevis.

I love a man with ripped ankles.

Hey, can we, uh, can we show Ed the thing? Oh, no.

Look at that pasta.

A little early for pasta, isn't it? Probably early.

You're just going to be reclining in a chair.

You don't know anything.

Oh, no.

What is that?

That, my friend, is my racing suit. He says it knocks valuable seconds off its

time. You're not going to go for the full body shave? Not yet. Oh, God.

Hey, where are my eyes, Nance? Come on, where are my eyes?

On the pride!

On the pride!

How old are we again?

We're 33.

That's right.

I'm in the sky tonight There I can

keep by your side

Watching the wide world riot and hiding out.

I'll be coming next year.

How'd you roll, Mark?

172. I think Lane 10 could use a little oil, though. I'll look into that for

you. It's the word on the street is you're getting a tummy tuck.

It's not a tummy tuck.

Hey, is your plastic surgeon anything? I'm thinking about getting that photoc.

Bill, he's not having plastic surgery. It's a serious medical procedure.

Thank you. You know what you should do?

When you lose the weight, you should say you did it by eating Subway sandwiches.

You could be the next Jared.

Yeah, great idea, man. Thanks.

See ya. Bye, Mark.

Sure, I'm just sharing the wealth.

Hey, Mr. Pennington. Hey, Ed.

Didn't see you at the neighborhood barbecue last week. How you doing?

I was in Tampa. Tampa? Yeah, fantasy baseball camp.

Mark Friedrich beamed me in the ass with a knuckler.

Is that why you're here?

Oh, no, I loved it.

I'm here because I'm having a problem with my next -door neighbor, Mr. Coe.

What?

What's the problem?

He's suing me for something called visual easement.

Apparently my gazebo is making his backyard shady and he wants 2 ,000 bucks

it. I thought you guys were friends.

So did I. We've lived next to each other for 17 years.

I try to talk to the guy and he just tells me to call his lawyer.

Has this ever been a problem before?

No, he's always liked the gazebo.

He even asked me what model it was in case he wanted to build one.

It's the Savannah.

All right, Mr.

Pennington, I'll contact his lawyer, Mr.

Fonseca, and see if we can't figure something out.

That's it.

By the way, did it hurt?

What? Getting beaten by the bird.

Oh, yeah, like a mother.

Apparently, the school board's supposed to make a decision on the new principal.

It's fine.

I can hear the word principal without completely falling to pieces.

So, uh, have you heard from Dennis?

I said I could hear. Principal didn't say Dennis.

Sorry. No, it's fine. He's teaching in Minneapolis.

Actually, I think we're going to stay close and forge a lasting relationship.

Really? No.

No, I haven't spoken to him since he left, and I probably...

Never will. Anyway, who's applying for the job of principal?

Oh, I ran into the superintendent in the cafeteria, and he said they're

considering Albert Schultz. Albert Schultz?

Albert Schultz is the most boring man in the world.

Oh, and a woman, Kathleen, uh, something.

Tarler, I think. You're kidding!

You know her? I totally know her. We went to college together. She was a

superstar. Whoa, a superstar. I cannot believe she is up for this job. That

makes sense.

See? She will make a great principal.

Chico. Hi, Ed. How are you doing? Good. Listen, Mr. Pennington came by to see me

today. You're not... Are you really going through with that silly lawsuit?

I have been instructed by counsel not to discuss the case with outside parties.

With outside parties, Mr. Chico? It's me, Ed. I'm sorry, but I have been

instructed by counsel... Not to discuss the case yet. Will you at least please

talk to Mr. Pennington?

I have been instructed by counsel not to discuss the case with outside parties.

I know.

Kathleen!

Molly Hudson.

My gosh, I haven't seen you since college. You look amazing. You too. I

that you were teaching here. Yes, and if all goes as planned, you will soon be

principaling here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Kathleen Tarler, meet Carol Bethy, one of our star English teachers. Nice to

meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Now, I'm actually meeting up with Mr.

the superintendent, in a couple of minutes. Do you mind if I walk with you

ask you a couple of questions?

Absolutely. That's what we're here for. Thanks.

Do you guys use standardized lesson plans?

Sometimes. I mean, we usually like to tweak it a little according to what the

kids need. Yeah, I guess the philosophy here, or maybe it's just mine, is that

teaching should be more interactive and less didactic. You know, it's

instruction by assessment.

Checking in with the kids constantly and then letting their work tell us what

they need.

You know, it's enough with the old memorize and regurgitate system.

You know, what I have to remember, though, is not to talk at my students,

them. And what about the English department?

Do you have a standardized curriculum?

No, not really. But if I find a great one, I don't have a problem using it.

It's interesting because I actually got a grant last year from Cornell where I

did my master's to help with a study on curriculum planning.

And we found that the best lesson plans were the ones that had the clearest

objectives.

I'm late.

Thanks, guys, so much. Good luck.

Bye.

I told you.

My girl is wicked smart.

Yeah, she seems great.

Very impressive.

Three greatest thinkers of the modern age, Thomas Edison, George Washington

Carver, George Washington Carver, and lastly, Jared.

Jarrett from Subway Jarrett? Yep, pure genius. That dude went from regular Joe

to international slide without being particularly handsome or intelligent or

funny or witty or athletic or dumb in an entertaining way.

Yeah, I get what you're saying, but that dude actually lost a lot of weight. You

do understand that. Yeah, but my point is, do you have any idea how amazing

dude's life is? Oh, yeah, they must be like, wake up.

Breakfast is ready.

Would you like some eggs or something?

You want some silver dollar pancakes?

Come on, tell him what you want. You want some corn pancakes?

You want some raspberry pancakes?

Want some corned beef hash?

Yo, he must be like, every morning, nah, boo, I just want to go down to the

strip mall and get me a six -inch turkey club.

Very good.

Here's my plan. You know Sam's Hokies over on Bloomfield Avenue?

Yeah.

I'm going to become their Jared.

But you're a skinny son of a bitch.

Sure, now.

Come in.

Excuse me, Mr.

Fonseca.

Oh, hi.

I'm Ed Stevens. I'm representing Sid Pennington. Right.

Visual easement. Right, visual easement.

So, uh... You box?

Not as often as I'd like to.

Mr. Fonseca, I think this whole thing can be put to rest with a simple

conversation between the neighbors.

What's billable about that?

Look, Mr. Fonseca, I don't know how long you've been in Suckyville, but... Six

wonderful months.

Wonderful. Oh, good. I'm glad you like our town. You may have noticed in six

months a certain sense of community here. And lawsuits like this are really

what we're about. So check this out.

What do you see here, Ed?

It's Tuckyville. Yeah?

Yeah. I see a gold mine.

I see a new catamaran for me, a personal tanning bed for my girlfriend, and two

weeks of hedonism for Ed Stevens.

Is that so?

Mm -hmm.

When I moved here, do you know what I did? No. I walked.

I walked everywhere. I talked to people. I looked at everything. Stores, houses,

lawns, everything.

This town is a legal tinderbox, Ed.

And I'm the match.

And this is a good thing? Let me explain.

For example, this is Mrs. Arneson's yard. And this is Mr. Chenault's fence.

It's like a foot and a half over the property line.

So? So this woman needs compensation. This guy's been stealing her lawn.

lived next to each other for 20 years. Let me rephrase.

This guy's been stealing her lawn for 20 years. Look, Mr. Fonseca, let me stop

you. If you think you can just walk into this town and turn people on their

neighbors... Ed, come on. People turned on their neighbors years ago. It just

took me to show them it was profitable.

Well, I... What's that?

The round is over.

You lost.

Why are you boxing a student?

I'm a fighter, Ed.

And fighters, they fight.

Right. I'll see you in court.

Oh, thank you. So what do you think about the race for principal? Oh, I

Kathleen's got it in the bag. Really? I wouldn't be so sure.

What do you mean? She's perfect for it.

She's fine.

I'd like to see you as our principal.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Because I'm just...

Uncomfortable teaching. I have no desire to take on the problems of the whole

school. Then why did you take your test to get your administrator's certificate?

I don't know. I just thought it would be something great to have. You know, like

a pilot's license. I'm going to brag about it at a bar.

Come on, Mom. I'm serious about this.

So am I. Then why not? Give me five good reasons why not.

Still waiting for one.

How about three?

Are you done? No, not yet. One good reason, Mal. Come on, one reason why you

won't do this. Okay, this is no longer cute or clever.

Then why?

Why did you take the test? If you don't want this, you shouldn't have taken

this. Okay, shutting up.

Zip, zippery. Done. Shut up. Me.

Thank you.

So, you're concerned about your sudden and dramatic loss of weight.

Yes. Yes, I am, Dr. Burt.

And how much weight have you lost?

427 pounds.

Yeah, that's not true.

Look, Dr. Burton, you and I, we're both busy men, so why don't you just sign

this, and we'll call it a day. What's this? What's the scam?

Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, okay? It's very simple. I

lost some weight, and I merely want you, as my doctor, to sign a document

attesting to that fact. You should be happy for me. You didn't lose 427

Okay, here's the thing.

You know Sam's, the sub shop?

Yeah? Well, I was thinking, like, maybe I could be there.

Jared.

The guy from Subway?

Exactly. So if you could sign this... It's a lie.

Yeah, I'm not following you.

There's nothing to follow. You didn't lose the weight.

Oh, come on, man. You gotta help me out. This is my ticket out of here. Haven't

you ever had a dream?

Yeah, I had a dream. I wanted to be a doctor. So I went to med school. I

hard. I made it happen.

And is what I'm trying to accomplish here really so different from that?

We're done here, Phil.

Yeah,

Mr. Stevens, why are you not representing your client? I'm running

Hey, run away, Mr. Stevens.

Run and hide from the hundreds of Stuckyvillians out there who want the

that is rightfully theirs.

You can't hide from them, and you can't hide from me.

Ms. Oswald, do you have a second? What is it? Well, as you know, the school

board is looking for a new principal.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry to hear about Principal Martino running out on you.

Bunch of rat bastards, huh?

Yeah.

Um, so anyway, I started this petition to draft Molly Hudson. You know, she's

taught here for over ten years, and her dedication to the school is really

without parallel, so... Oh, yeah, she's a great kid.

But here's what I'm looking for.

Some, uh, decent breakfast food in the lounge.

Some, uh, fresh everything bagels. Hey, well, I think Miss Hudson could probably

accommodate you. Everything bagels.

Fresh. Every day.

Yes or no?

I think Molly is pro -everything bagel. Where do I start?

Right here. Yeah.

Okay.

And have a pan of lox every now and again. Wouldn't hurt either.

No.

Phil, clean up this mess, man. You're turning this into your own personal pig

pen. I can't talk.

Dude, you got to before you swallow.

Massacrate that food, man.

Do your belly a favor and have it prepared to be digested. No time.

Well, make time.

Yo, you got to savor that baby Swiss, dude.

Savor the flavor.

Phil, slow down, man.

That's some good cheese, man. You got to make love to it with your mouth.

Look, if I want to be Sam's spokesman, I have to gain 400 pounds and lose 400

pounds all in two weeks.

It doesn't bother me that you're an idiot. I accept that. And I accept

for what they are. But when I got to sit there and watch a grown man go through

this, it's just too much for me to take.

I don't know what you mean.

What I mean is if you're going to do this, you're going to do it right. And

going to help you. Because I can't sit there and watch you mess it up anymore.

Does your plan involve me gaining 400 pounds and losing 400 pounds within two

weeks? No.

I'm in.

My client is owed $2 ,000 and you're trying to stop him. Why?

I'm not... I'm running late.

Yeah, run away, Mr. Stevens. Wow. Run and hide from the hundred of

Stuckyvillians out there who want the money that is rightfully theirs.

You can't hide from them, and you can't hide from me.

How do I look?

Like the world's fastest man.

Like a jackass. Well said, honey.

Ah, it's that time of year again. The smell of recliner is in the air. That's

right. About to claim my crown.

It's my crown.

It's fun to say a guy thinks he can just blow into town to make everyone sue

crazy. It's not going to happen.

Excuse me, but was that you on TV?

Yeah. Okay, my neighbors built this barbecue pit, right? And the smoke keeps

drifting over into my yard? I don't really mind it. But if I lied, I could

probably get a bunch of me, right?

You sure there's no one around?

It's all clear, man.

You really think this is going to work? So it'll work if you're willing to work

it.

Damn, brother got back.

Yeah, brother got back.

Front, up, down, and sideways. You got the camera ready? Yo, I got it ready,

I don't know if I can fit all of you in the lens, though. All right. It's really

necessary. Dude, it is. Now, listen. Come on. Follow me.

Hey, there. Excuse me, but I'm going to need this bench for my plus -size

frenzy. I hope you don't mind.

Thank you.

All right.

Park your wide load right there.

Beep. Beep. No, Phil. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. All

right. Look. This is what I need.

You just finished up when you're dozing off in front of the TV.

You got beer and donuts and salsa just laying all over your fat belly. And

you're feeling all nice and faded like you're the king of England or something.

All right, all cool.

Oh, man, you're going to be ready for the lame Brian Kellogg when I'm done

you. Yeah.

Your Honor, Mr. Pennington built a gazebo that obstructs the sun from my

client's property.

Precedents exist, and the state's highest court states rather plainly that

there is interference with my client's visual easement, then he is due

compensation. It's that simple.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Stephens.

Sid Pennington, Ryan Coe have been neighbors for years. They've watched

other's houses, borrowed each other's tools, and raised their kids together.

And then one day, all of a sudden, Mr. Coe decides to sue Mr. Pennington for

blocking the sun.

And now these neighbors are no longer speaking.

And this is a good thing.

It's a good thing.

because it allows the rest of us to take a better look at ourselves and our

neighbors. We can notice the gazebos next door. Are they blocking our sun? We

can take a look at our fences. Do they creep a few inches, stray a few inches

into the neighbor's yard? We can take a look at all these things, and then we

get to make a choice.

We can choose to be people who use the letter of the law to make a few bucks,

we can be people who value something truly important to each other.

This case should be dismissed.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Stevens.

Truly something for all of us to think about.

But as for the here and now, Mr. Fonseca is correct and the law is clear.

His client has the right to have his claim for visual easement heard.

The request to dismiss is denied.

Sorry, Sid.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So I guess it's on. You're underestimating the people in this town.

Do you mind if I sign?

I don't know what you mean.

Really? Really? This is what I mean. Well, if people want to sign a petition

support you, who am I to stop them?

Okay, there's one word missing from the following sentence. I do want to be

principal. Do you know what that word is? Molly. Not.

I do not want to be principal. Now, maybe it spiked my Diet Coke and I'm

hallucinating, but I seem to recall explicitly telling you that.

Yes, you did.

And yet you totally disregarded it. That is true.

Why? Because I know you, Molly, and I know you want this job.

Do you like Wham?

I did once, I guess. Why?

George Michael is obviously the front man for the band, but can you name the

other guy?

No, I can't. That's me.

I am the other guy. I am Andrew Ridgely. I am the second banana, and I am just

fine with that.

I'm Art Garfunkel. I'm Oates. Out of the Captain and Tennille, I most identify

with Daryl Dragon.

You're... Scaring me that you know all these people's names. To put it in

layman's terms, I'm Rhoda.

Oh, Molly, I'm sorry. I'm just not buying it. Of course you don't, because

you're Mary.

I'm not Mary. Yes, you are.

Being in the spotlight is as natural to you as breathing. You can't even

conceive that someone might be perfectly happy sitting on the sidelines. The

whole sidekick thing?

Security blanket.

Do you even hear how condescending you sound? I am your best friend, and that's

my opinion. Really? Is that how you want to play it? Yes, that's how I want to

play it. Well, then in my opinion, you should be married to Ed with two kids.

But do I force that down your throat? No. When you went back to your old Carol

Vessi patterns with Dennis, did I jump up and stop the wedding? No.

Because I respect you and your choices.

If you thought Dennis was that bad for me, maybe you should have stopped the

wedding. Yeah, right.

Okay, Molly, it's your life. Do whatever you want. But this whole second banana

routine, it's crap.

The bottom line, you have an opportunity to shine, and you're terrified.

Nothing wrong with being confident. I have reason to be. The climate is

well. It's quick but controllable, even in loose gravel situations.

Well, it is good to hear. Yeah?

Hey, what's going on here, man? I just talked to this dude who's suing his

boy because he doesn't deliver the paper exactly to the front of the front

porch, but rather to the middle back of the front porch.

That's what I said.

So you got to see how this chair handles the road.

I think this one works really nicely as a before shot.

Nah, nah, nah. This is the one right here, man.

Uh, yeah, I don't know.

I'm telling you, man, it makes you look like a big old lubbery slob. Yeah, but

it kind of makes me look fat. You know, like I'm actually fat.

Phil, that's the point. Yeah, but even my face looks fat.

Dude, do you want to do this?

Do you want to be the damn spokesman or not?

Because I'm told you're going to have to sacrifice, man.

Jarrett sacrificed.

The brother did what it took.

You know, maybe you ain't up to this.

Maybe Jarrett's the only one who can do this.

Maybe I will kick Jared's ass.

That's what I'm talking about. Keep it gangsta.

Now, remember, it's all in the weight, so don't recline. It's a recliner rally.

Recline, but don't, okay? Your weight needs to be back before it, all right?

weight needs to be shifted forward. Yeah, honey, and the remaining brain

left in your head, tell them that they won't be needed for an hour or two.

Shifted forward. Where is everybody?

I don't know.

We're at the wrong time, you think? No way.

Yeah, no, they can't do that.

Guys, guys, what's going on? Hey, Ed. Hey.

That reminds me, you still have my weed eater. What are you talking about? You

gave that to me as a gift.

Right. Ed, I'm going to need your services again. I'm suing Mr.

Coe for $140.

It was a gift! What is this? Why are you guys doing this? Mr. Pennington, why?

What is it, $140?

$140? All right. One, two, six.

There you go. $140.

No, you're not supposed to take it. You're offering. I'm giving you a chance

see how ridiculous you're being. There is nothing ridiculous about $140 cash.

It was Arbor Day three years ago. That weed eater was an Arbor Day gift. My

Arbor Day gifts are never that expensive. You know that. I'll see you

I can't wait.

Guys, guys.

I'm going down that hill.

What? They came here to race, I'm going to race.

Race who? Self. You're joking, right? Why not? The street's still closed off.

Why not?

Mike, you going to let them win?

Who? I don't know.

I haven't been paying that much attention.

Ready? Ready.

Sarah Denny's a crazy person.

Set. Go.

I did it faster.

Hi. Is Sam the owner here?

I'm Sam.

You, sir, are a god.

And I just want to... Excuse me. I'm Eli Goggins. This is my boy, Phil.

I have to apologize for my friend. He's real emotional right now.

See, my boy here, he grew up large.

When I'm talking about large, I'm talking about 500 pounds large.

humpback whale large, fat -ass big old trash compactor large.

Whatever you fed him, he just ate it. Hot dogs, candy apples, muffins, pizza

pie, bread, rigatoni. You name it, he ate it.

But then a couple of months ago, he started coming here. He got on your all

diet. Started eating roasted veggie sandwiches, eating the Sam salad, and

drinking diet soda.

And look at him now.

Mr. Sam, this was him six months ago. Mm -hmm.

This is him now.

Wow. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Hey, look, I got a great idea.

How about you have Phil be the official spokesman for Sam's Hoagie?

Yeah.

Too bad Subway already did it, you know, with Jared.

Yeah, we ain't talking about Subway's, man. We talking about Sam's. Yeah, and

we're not talking about Jared.

We're talking about Phil.

Sorry.

I can't do the exact same thing as Subway. I'd look like an idiot.

Oh, come on. I had two asteroid movies out at the same time. Look, it's nothing

personal.

Also, you're just not likeable.

Me? I'm not likeable? Right.

Sam.

You are passing up the opportunity of a lifetime here, man. Look at me. I am a

thin guy. I can play tennis again. I can horseback ride. I can make love to a

woman. And Sam's Hokies gave me my life back.

You're creeping me out.

Now that you've had a chance to visit several places in progress, Miss Toller,

as principal, What changes would you implement to improve the school?

For the most part, I believe the teachers at Stuckyville High do a great

They come prepared and they engage their students. And from what I saw, the kids

were wide awake and legitimately interested in what the teachers had to

Which, as we all know, is a victory in and of itself.

But teaching must change with the times.

We've come a long way from the days of memorize and regurgitate.

Our classrooms need to be more interactive and less didactic.

It's a teaching technique I like to call instruction by assessment, where the

teachers are in constant communication with the students, retooling and

their lesson plans according to their needs.

My philosophy is, and always will be, don't talk at them, talk to them.

Thank you.

Thank you, Ms. Taller.

Well put.

You should be drinking this out of a giant recliner rally cup. They don't

giant recliner rally cup.

They're recliner rally trophies. You'll win yours next year. There is a recliner

rally next year. Good point, Mike.

So how's the case?

This guy, Mike, I think people would see through this guy to the bigger picture,

right? But he appeals to this place and people, this, I don't know, this sense

of entitlement, this sense of, oh, give me what's mine, you know? And I don't

know, they can't see through to the bigger picture.

You got to make them remember, Mike, somehow.

You know what you could do?

You get the whole town to read the same book and then everybody can sit around

and talk about Cujo.

You're going to have the whole town be Cujo?

Yeah, what do you got?

What if someone got trapped inside a well?

Like baby Jessica? Like baby Jessica. That'd bring the town together, right?

So what, you want to wait around for some poor kid to fall into a well?

Not right now.

You want to put a kid in a well? Are you nuts?

No, no, not a kid, Mike.

I'm thinking more along the lines of a 33 -year -old doctor.

That's ridiculous. I'm not going into a well. What, are you out of your mind?

I'm a physician, Ed.

You've been healed of the town, Mac. This town's hurting, okay? Now heal this

town. Do your duty and get in the well.

Babies go in the well. It's not grownups. It's not doctors. I'm not

well. Think about it, Mike. You get in that well, you'd be a hero, right? You'd

be the guy that saved this town. No, I'd be the jerk who got stuck in the well.

Nobody would know that I actually saved the town.

And thus, the most noble kind of hero.

The anonymous hero.

You're not going to stop until I'm in the well, are you?

No.

Don't think I'm coming in here to apologize because I'm not.

This is ridiculous. Kathleen did not utter a single original thought. Damn

Molly. It is so obvious that you are the person who should be running this

school. You're right.

What? I said you're right about all of it. I do want to be principal. I was

scared.

And now?

Still scared.

But I don't think I'll be able to live with myself if I let this go.

Well... All right.

Let's do this. Come on, Molls.

Okay. Really?

Yeah. Let's give it a try.

This is going to be so great.

I don't know, though. I mean, I'm so late. I think Kathleen Tyler has this

won. Oh, no. It ain't over till it's over.

I believe that is the first time I've ever heard you quote Yogi Berra. I

thought it was Chuck Berra.

You don't know anything about sports.

How you doing down there?

I agreed to a well, Ed. A well.

I never agreed to a storm drain. I don't know what to tell you, sport. We looked

everywhere. There are no wells in Stuckyville.

I know, but I look like an idiot down here. No, no more so than you would in a

well. Oh, gee, that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Come on, pal. You're going to be a hero. Nothing brings a town together like a

man trapped in a storm drain.

What if it rains?

One can only hope. Now, remember, when they try and lift the grate, you've got

to make it look like you're pushing when you're actually pulling.

I hate you.

Back in a flash.

Help! Help!

Something tragic has occurred!

Oh,

just the person I was looking for. Can I pick your brain for a second? I'm not

sure if there's any left to pick.

It's just that I got that final Q &A with the school board tonight and I'd

really like to nail it. Here's the thing, Kathleen.

I can't continue to endorse you for principal.

Why not?

Oh, don't tell me you're supporting Schultz. Uh, no.

Actually, someone else. Who?

I had no idea you even wanted the position.

Yeah, it was neat to me, too.

I'm sorry I sound surprised.

No, no, it's okay.

I just felt like I had to give it a shot.

Yeah, of course, but you realize you're past the deadline.

Well, the teacher signed a petition, and they're making an exception.

Gotcha. Well, I guess I'll see you at the school board meeting.

Right.

Guys, we've got to do something. He's been down there for a couple hours now.

How did this happen again?

Yeah, how the hell did he get in there? I don't know. You know, he must be

clumsy, and he slipped and fell.

And whoop, down he goes.

I'm actually quite flexible.

You pulled me away from the Islanders -Leafs game for this?

Yeah, Ed.

That was a hell of a game, too.

What? Who cares about hockey? We've got to save this man's life. Guys, we need a

plan.

What?

A guy stuck in a storm drain and you're actually thinking about whether or not

you're going to help. And there's no time for thinking here. We've got to get

this man out of this storm drain right now.

There's a storm. I can feel it.

Storm's coming. It's going to rain down on this foreign fortress. So unless we

get him out, we've got to get him out. We've got to get him to safety right

Come on. You want to live in a town where people don't help each other out

storm drains? Is that the kind of town you want to live in? What kind of town

that? What kind of world is that? You want your kids to live in a world like

that? I don't think so.

Do you?

Come on. Let's get to work.

That's a spirit, Mr.

Pennington.

All right.

All right.

Good, Mr. Cole. Thank you. Okay.

Hey, we're going to get you out of there, baby Jessica.

Good work. Good work, you guys.

Good work.

Thanks. I'm Mickey Dunlop. This is my territory. Is everyone okay here?

Yeah, I think so.

You know, I've been meaning to put some extra bars on this train.

Well, that brings up an interesting question.

Dr. Burton, is this something you might want to pursue in court?

Well, I suppose there is some course of legal action I could take. Don't worry.

I'll give you my guy's number.

No, I'm not going to do that.

You seem like a decent man, and I'll bet you're going to make sure this storm

drain is made safe for passersby.

Yes, sir.

Immediately. I got no further gripe.

You hear that, everybody?

He's not going to sue.

Come on, guys. This is Stuckyville. We don't sue one another. We help each

get guys like this out of storm drains. What do you say, fellas?

All right, but I'm only doing this because I want to get back to the game.

too. That's the Stuckyville I know.

Okay, all right, guys.

Somebody stole my car.

Somebody stole my car while I was helping that jackass get out of the

Mr. Schultz, what's your point of view on standardized testing?

It's good.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

Yes.

It always has been and will continue to be a good thing.

Thank you, Mr. Schultz.

That brings us to the last part of tonight, your final statements.

Ms. Tarler, would you care to go first?

Thank you.

Recent studies conducted by the National Board of Education found that students

who tested in the 80th percentile or above on standardized tests, whether

be the SATs or the Iowa Skills, are the ones that end up in competitive

colleges. Now, right now, Stockerville High tests in about the median state

level. Good?

Yeah, sure. But I don't want Stockerville High to be just good. I

great. Which is why, if chosen to be the principal of the school, I promise to

raise test scores by at least 8 % in two years. Now, how do I plan to do that?

Pre -tests. Rigorous and monthly pre -tests. It's the only way.

8 % in two years.

That's my promise to you.

Thank you.

Ms. Hudson?

Last week, I was hit in the head by a frog.

Oh, I'm okay. I'm okay. Thank you.

I've been a teacher here at Stuckeyville High for almost 10 years.

And every year, there is always a student who just doesn't want to be in

class. Hates biology, hates me, maybe both.

In 94, it was a kid named Tad Brock.

He just thought he was too cool for school.

So what did I do as a teacher to motivate him?

Threaten to kick his ass.

Oh, no, no, no. In a very subtle and politically correct sort of way, of

But it worked.

Thank God he didn't call my bluff.

And then there was Jessica Franklin.

Brilliant.

Brilliant, but...

Every time I would give her just the slightest bit of criticism, she'd burst

into tears.

So what did I do?

Nothing.

Stopped grading her papers.

She didn't need me or anybody else to motivate her.

Which brings us to this year and the infamous frog thrower, one Mr. Eric

What do you do with a kid who is willing to throw a frog at your head? Well, I

will tell you, threw it right back at him.

Made him laugh.

He still doesn't love biology class, but he's starting to like it every day a

little bit more.

So, 8 % higher test scores.

Sure, you got it.

But how am I going to do it?

Kicking ass, doing nothing, and throwing frogs.

Thank you.

Phil, you sure you want to do this, man?

Yes, Eli.

It's a little thing called revenge.

My, oh, my. I love the Sam's hoagies.

I'm beat.

Two of these sons of bitches every day.

Look at me.

I never felt better.

I leave off the mail.

What are you doing?

See, Sam, you could have had yourself a Jared. Now you got yourself the anti

-Jared. I'm going to have to ask you two to leave. Leave?

I'm not ready to leave. You ready to leave?

No, I'm not ready to leave. Well, looks like you got us here for the day.

Yeah.

I'm on the old damn diet.

Look at me.

A storm drain, Ed.

Excuse me? Come on.

A storm drain? Is that what it comes down to? It worked.

Round one to Ed Stevens.

Eleven more to go.

Oh, I think there's a lot more than eleven rounds left to go in this town.

A lot more storm drains, too.

I'll see you soon, Ed.

Hey, where's Nance?

Oh, John Shaw let off a firecracker and missed your service class, so? So, I met

with Emerson. Yes, I know. Why do you think I was standing out here doing

jumping jacks waiting to hear what he had to say?

You were doing jumping jacks?

Metaphorically. Molly, I was doing metaphorical jumping jacks. Will you

tell me what happened? Okay, first of all, I want to thank you for pushing me

go for this job. Win or lose, I really needed to do this. Okay, that's great.

What happened? And I am sorry if in the heat of the moment I said anything that

I shouldn't have.

Miles, the only thing you should be sorry for is that you are not right now

telling me what transpired moments ago between you and Mr. Emerson. Okay.

Okay. I will tell you. First, you have to quit standing in my parking space.

Oh, my God. You got it. I got it.

I'm so happy for you.

Really? Really.

Thank you.

You are going to be the best principal ever. Are you sucking up to me? No, ma

'am. Because I just ain't going to fly.

Can I have a 500 % raise? You got it. Anything else?

Speedboat. Sure.

Woo! Yes!