All language subtitles for Ed s03e08 Trapped

Oh, God.

Even on the couch.

There'll be music on the couch.

Woo!

Okay. Well, the girls -only karaoke
fiesta night?

Not such a good idea.

I'm sorry. I just, I can't.

It's okay.

You must be getting so sick of me.

No. Oh, we just wish there was something
we could do to cheer you up. You got me

out of my room. That's something.

You know what?

Maybe we should drop in on the goat. I
mean, you've got to get out and see

people again.

Mm -mm.

I don't want to see people. I can't see
people, especially certain people.

You mean like Ed?

No, not like Ed.

Ed has nothing to do with this. Ed
didn't even have the class to show up at

non -wedding.

What? What's this?

Nothing.

Nothing.

House and walk.

Ed Stevens, there's a lovely young lady
here to see you.

Ed Stevens, a lovely young lady.

Why do you... Did you know no two
beavers have the same stripes?

No, I did not. Beaver stripes are
like... Did you know it's odd for a

walk into a bowling alley and start
asking strange questions about animals?

you know there's a reason for that? Did
you want to tell me what that reason is?

How would you like the opportunity to
meet these animals up close and in

Are you going to the zoo?

Yes, but there are no cages and it's in
Africa.

That's funny. I thought you just said it
was in Africa.

I got a great deal on a safari.

Three weeks. You, me, giraffe,
wildebeest, and beautiful Botswana. What

say? Wow. That's incredible.

I don't know if I can just leave like
that. I mean, I got the law office. I

the bowling alley. I got... Carol?

Please, let's not start this again.

Ed, you rode to the woman's wedding on a
horse.

The wedding didn't happen. She's
available.

And you're doing what, exactly?

I'm not doing anything.

Look, I just...

I need a little time to figure some
things out. That's all.

Okay, good luck with that.

Wait, Jennifer, wait. Okay, no, wait.
You're right. You're right. You're

You're always right. Let's go. Let's go.
I want to go. I want to go see Zebras.

Nope, don't believe you. I do. I do. I
do. I want to go see Zebras. I do. I

to see Zebras. The stripes like finger
boots.

Ed, I'm not a second fiddle kind of
girl.

If I'm not first fiddle, then I'm no
fiddle.

Let's go see zebras.

Yep, we're going to see zebras.

I'm in the sky tonight.

There I can keep by your side Watching

the wide world

You know, Carol and I still have not
spoken since the wedding, or lack of

wedding. Do you believe that?

Oh, call Ripley.

I mean, what's that about? You know, I
called her twice, no response.

Why does she have a problem with me? I'm
not the one who stood her up, am I

right? Right.

Right. I think I'm going to go by the
high school, you know, and try and get

the bottom of this. Hey, look, I got her
a little gift.

Yeah, it's not much, but, you know, it's
cool, right? See this?

They're tuning for it.

You know, get your life back in tune,
you know?

It's thoughtful, don't you think?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

I still don't know what to do, though,
Mike. You know, should I lay low? Or

should I pounce?

Do I want to pounce? Do I not want to
pounce? Plus, then there's Jennifer

Bradley, you know?

Meanwhile, Jennifer wants me to go on
this vacation with her. I can't help but

wondering, is the Carol iron finally
hot? And if so, should I strike? Or was

Carol iron hot and I missed striking it?
Or should I even strike it at all,

regardless of the temperatures? Carol
and I were friends. You know, you don't

want to screw that up. Maybe you do want
to screw it up. Hey!

What? I can't take it anymore. I can't
listen to you talk about Carol Vesey.

Should I do something? Should I not do
something? You're like a 12 -year -old

schoolgirl. What's your problem? Stop
analyzing and do something about it

already. Okay, what?

I don't know. Ask her out. Don't ask her
out.

Sleep with her. Don't sleep with her.
Just stop talking about it all the time.

Mike, your patients are going to hear
you. I don't have any patients.

All right.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking, Ed.

Look, it's a big cliche.

I know there's nothing I can say that's
going to make you feel any better right

now, but know that if you want to
talk... Thank you, Ed.

It was lovely of you to stop by. Really,
it wasn't as much. I'd like to hang out

and have a couple laughs.

I've got to go copy these worksheets.
I'll see you around, okay? Wait, I... I

want you to have this.

It's just a small kind of luck. Thanks,
Ed.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Always so very thoughtful.

Right

there.

That's good. Right there in the center.
Cool. Can you help me get up on that?

Don't I need some sort of special
certification for that?

Would you come on?

Wait, I got to touch you?

Well, what else you going to do? I dream
of genie my ass over there? Well, I

just don't want to hurt you.

Phil, I'm not a ceramic fool. You won't
hurt me. Come on, man.

Let me out.

You are such a jerk.

I know, I know. All right, come on, come
on. I'm going to be in here.

Oh, man.

Guess what our accommodations are going
to be when we're in Africa.

I don't know.

Well, do you think we're going to be
staying in a hotel?

I don't know.

Motel? Don't know.

Inn? Don't know.

Lodge? Don't know.

Hostel? Don't know. Boarding house?
Don't know. Spa?

Don't know. Give up? Yes.

We're going to be staying in a hut. A
hut. A hut.

How cool is that?

A hut.

Very cool.

Ed? Yeah?

Why aren't you wearing your pith helmet?

I don't know.

All right, on three, Phil.

Right here. One, two, three. I got you.
I got you. I got you.

Good job. Good job. See, that's all it
is, man. Whatever you want in the seat,

you put in the seat. You want my ass in
the seat, you lift my ass up.

Hi, Phil.

Hey, Vivian.

Still a size seven, I presume?

Yep.

I'll wait and see.

Bye.

Roll a good one.

Oh, Eli, I do believe she just gave you
a little hooty -patooty -rascooty

-dazooty look on her way out.

I've never seen her here before.

You like?

Who is that?

Her name is Vivian Gonda. She works
nights over at Schmidt's.

That deli on White Street? That's the
one.

Dude, on a scale of one to ten, she's
like a twelve hundred.

Amen, brother. Hey, note you need to get
that little filly right where you want

her. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You
trying to tell me how to pick up lady?

Man, come on, dude. That's like finger
painting with Picasso right there, boy.

You valid.

It says here that the animal that kills
the most humans is the hippopotamus.

They're so cute that humans don't fear
them enough.

I think we should postpone this trip.

Whoa, wait, what are you doing? I didn't
say cancel, I said postpone.

I'm leaving. Why?

Because there's just not room for me,
you, and Mr. Warning Flag that just

entered the room a few minutes ago.

Wait, wait, Jennifer, don't leave us.
Second fiddle doesn't work for me.

I understand that Carol's a little
confused, but you know what? Maybe I'm a

little confused, too.

And you think that thought ever crosses
her brain? No, I don't think so, Jack. I

get, I get the fact that she got dumped
at the altar.

You know, I'm not insensitive to that
fact, but does not give her the right to

treat me in a cool and unusual fashion.
Hi, Mike.

Hi, Ed. Hey. Hi, Carol.

Ed, I would be ashamed of myself if I
didn't come over here and thank you for

your lovely gift.

Oh, you're welcome.

Mike, did you know Ed gave me a tuning
fork?

No, he knows.

No, it's not just any kind of tuning
fork.

It's a symbolic tuning fork because it's
time for me to get back.

In tune.

Isn't that just so clever? It makes you
sick.

Hey. No, because when it comes to
hackneyed freshman comp symbolism,

it like Edward Stevens.

Tuning fork, back in tune.

Ooh, bravo, bravissimo.

Not symbolic, okay? I just happen to
think it was a nice tuning fork. Really?

Yes. Well, I've got an idea.

I would love to offer you a symbolic
glass of water.

This. is to water your dreams. May they
flower and grow and flower and grow. All

right, okay, enough.

If you don't like the gift, then fine.

I was just trying to make you feel
better. You're trying to make me feel

Yes. Oh, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your
hands together for the hardest -working

hypocrite in Stuckyville, Edward Jeremy
Stevens, Jr.

Junior?

Yeah. Yeah, take a bow, hypocrite. How
am I a hypocrite? How are you a

hypocrite? How am I a hypocrite? You
never wanted this wedding to happen in

first place. You did.

Everything you could to talk me out of
it. And now, now you're pretending to

feel all bad for me.

I do feel bad for you. No, you don't.
No, you don't. You feel great and you

loving this. I'm not loving this. You're
loving this. I'm not loving... You know

what your problem is? You're just mad at
me because I was right. Right about

what? Right about Dennis.

Oh, you don't know a damn thing about
it. I know plenty. Really?

Have a stupid tuning fork.

Fine, fine. You don't deserve a really
good tuning fork like this.

Hey, thanks for coming, you guys. Hey.
How you doing?

Hey, Eli.

Refreshments, anyone?

Soda? Beer? Do you have any soup?

Sure.

Okay, I assembled you here tonight
because we all face a dire and ongoing

to our very way of life.

Speaking, of course, about the nightmare
that is Ed Stevens and Carol Bessie.

So what I'm proposing is... Excuse me,
I'm sorry.

What is the issue between Ed and Carol?

Ugh, you know, they've been driving us
nuts with all this will -they -or -won't

-they crap.

Wait, are you telling me that Ed and
Carol have never done it?

Phil, of course not.

You're kidding me. I could have sworn he
banged her like two years ago.

No, this is the whole reason that
we're... Sure he did. He, like, dressed

Robin Hood, he threw pancakes at her
window, and then the two of them went at

like a couple of crazed basset hounds,
no?

You really are a moron.

Go ahead, my good doctor.

Thank you.

Uh, my idea is we lock them both inside
the Stucky Ball.

Until they can come to some kind of
understanding.

I don't care how long it takes.

So long as we can close the books on Ed
and Carol once and for all.

That's genius.

But they'll never let us lock them in
there like that. That's why we need a

plan.

Any ideas?

We could flip them a Mickey.

I don't know exactly what a Mickey is,
but I do know you flip them to people.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, listen.

My car just died and I am stranded in
the middle of a sucky bowl parking lot.

you think you could pick me up?

Yeah, oh, no, don't worry, Ed. He's like
in a corridor or something.

Ed, would you like to see a magic trick?

Uh, sure. Have I set this up or
prearranged anything with you in any

there's no one here but you and... Could
you extend your wrist?

There's been a security breach at the
bowling alley. I'm going to ask you to

move calmly and quietly in a single
-file line to the exit closest to you.

must evacuate the premises immediately.

Thank you.

Security breach?

It's a bo -

Eli, what's going on?

Molly having a little car trouble.

If I had some duct tape, I could patch
this up just long enough to get me to

gas station.

Duct tape? We have plenty of duct tape
inside.

Great.

Yep, I'll go get that duct tape.

Yeah, I'll just roll way inside there
and get that duct tape.

Eli, no, I will get the duct tape. Let
me. You'll get it?

Oh, okay, just go inside Nashville.
He'll know exactly where it is.

Is that in there?

He's not back yet.

Ed went to the movies.

Ed went to the movies in the middle of
the day? No, I didn't mean movies. I

mean, you know, that's something you say
when the brother got to go to court.

You'd be like, yo, where's Jesse? Jesse
had to go to the movies. You know what I

mean? That's it.

That's all.

Who knew?

Okay.

I'd like to order two tholoflexes, one
for my home, one for my office.

Yeah. Phil, Molly needs some duct tape.

It's right back behind lane 17. You
can't miss it.

Okay, thank you.

Now, do you have a layaway plan for
that, or can I just put it on a ship?

Yes, the key to your heart, right?

Carol!

Carol! It's Ed!

I'm in my office!

Carol! A little help!

Carol, a little help!

Carol!

Ro. Oh, this is so lame.

What? Whatever little stunt it is you're
pulling right now.

Stunt? I'm Hancock here. Yeah, I can see
that. And let me guess.

I am the only one who can set you free.

Hmm?

You been drinking liquid plumber?

Ed, can you explain to me what's going
on? I don't know. I have no idea.

The windows are blacked out.

Locked? Yes, it's locked.

Mike? Mike, what are you doing?

Mike,

you let us out!

Next time you and Mike do one of your
hilarious ten -buck challenges, leave me

out of it. I called ten -dollar bets,
not ten -bucks challenges, and this is

one of them.

Where are you going?

Out the back doors and around the front.
I'm going to proceed to pummel Mike

with my bare fist until the soul rises
from his body. I'm going to grab his

by the neck and start giving it an open
-handed slap.

Yeah, great.

Sorry, Bosco.

This is tough love, my man.

Open the door now!

Not till Dr.

Mike says so.

Tell them you'll fire them. Yeah.

You ain't gonna find no brother in a
wheelchair.

What about me?

I don't know.

Or a very, very light -skinned brother
who's allergic to cat dander.

Well, Carol, I really want to thank you.

What do you mean, thank me?

Well, like many people, I have a list of
things I hope to experience in life,

beholding the awesome majesty of the Taj
Mahal.

Prairie gliding into a shimmering sky
off a sunny snow -capped alpine peak.

Making love under a scarlet sunset on
one of Maui's beautiful black sand

beaches. Being locked inside a bowling
alley. Thanks for that one.

Wait a minute. Am I to understand that
you are blaming me for this? Of course,

of course I'm blaming you. How is that
possible? Isn't it obvious? We wouldn't

be here if you hadn't flipped out at me
at the goat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did not flip out on
you.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
You came after me teeth bared, foaming

at the mouth like a rabid badger.
Badger?

You're calling me a badger? No, no. Not
a badger. Not a badger. A rabid badger.

A rabid badger. A rabid badger of
insanity.

Insanity? If I'm insane, it's only
because you've driven me that way.

How? How? By giving you a tuning fork?

No, Ed.

By everything that you do all the time.

That's why we're here.

Because you won't just leave me alone to
let me live my life. Maybe I should

just leave you alone right now. I wish
you would. Fine. Fine.

That's right. I know you're not serious.

I'm as serious as Henry Kissinger, baby.
So prepare yourself for a little

whooping comma ass.

First one to win five games. How much?

How about too large?

Bring it on, my brother.

How much is too large?

$2 ,000.

I've only got $67 to my name.

$67 it is.

All right, $47. Wait.

$48 .20.

Okay, $48 .20.

Bring it on, my brother.

What

are

they doing in there?

Oh, they're not talking.

I can only see Carol. She looks angry.
This could take a while.

Well, if it's okay with you guys, I'm
going to take off. What?

Yeah, I mean, you guys got it covered
here.

I got to go.

You're not going anywhere.

Why? I mean, it doesn't take the three
of us to guard the door, especially one

that's been chained up. Besides, I've
got a lot of work to do.

You know what? Honey, so do I.

Plus, I want to take Sarah to the park.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Carmela, Carmela can take you to the
park. You guys got to stay.

If you leave, I'm going to be bored out
of my skull.

Yeah, well, I'm already bored out of
mine.

I'm taking off. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no. Stay, stay, stay. If you

if you stay, I'll make it worth your
while.

How?

I'll entertain you.

How are you going to do that?

Tell you a story.

Story? That's right. Good old -fashioned
storytelling. You know, like the

cavemen around the fire with the bone.

You guys stay.

I promise you'll love it, okay? Just sit
down, and I'll transport you to another

place in time.

Please?

Okay.

Knock me out.

All right.

That'll be good, Mike.

Once upon a time, there was a real
grizzled old sea captain named Filthy

And a big ship.

Do you have any food around here? I'm
starving.

All we got is one hot dog and one bun.
My hands are clean.

Well, great. We'll split it.

Apologize. Excuse me?

First, apologize.

For what?

For assuming when I was handcuffed in my
office it was some grand romantic

gesture. I'm not going to apologize for
that. You were wrong.

No. No, I walk into the bowling alley, I
find a key, and then I find you

handcuffed to a pole in your office with
no one else around. I think that I'm

perfectly justified in assuming it's
just one of those...

Silly Ed Stevens thing.

So you're not going to apologize?

No.

Okay.

You're really not going to share any of
that? No, I'll share it. All you got to

do is apologize.

Oh, that ain't going to happen. All
right, then.

Oh, look at that, Cal.

See, your half's still there, but I'm
getting pretty close to midfield here.

I am not apologizing for making a
perfectly reasonable assumption.

All right, then.

Oh, God.

It's good.

Juicy. Crispy.

You're such an ass. You know that? No,
Carol. I'm not an ass. I'm an ass

enjoying a hot dog.

Fine. Eat it. You know what? I don't
care. All right. Fine.

You can have the last bite.

As long as you apologize.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Seven plus a double word is 14 plus 50
for a little thing called a bingo.

Very nice. The man knows his twos. Oh, I
know my twos. I know my twos that make

the threes. I know my threes. And I'm
halfway through the threes that makes

four. And I'm winning 286 to 195.

Play on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you
brailling?

Brailling? Yeah, you're figuring out
what letters there are by feeling them.

I couldn't do that if I tried. Oh,
please. I've heard plenty of articles

how when one sense goes down, the others
overcompensate.

Oh, Phil, you trying to say because I'm
in a wheelchair that I have a better

sense of touch?

Oh, come on, though. You're just in over
your head.

Is that right? I'll tell you what.

Let's play for something real. Yeah,
because that $48 worth of life savings

ain't real enough.

You win, I'll give you the $48. I win,
you call up Vivian from Schmitz and you

ask her out.

Man, go ahead.

Come on, you like her. I win, you ask
her out. You scared to lose?

All right, you win.

Quilea.

87 points.

Oh, gosh, that hurt.

Let's play some Scrabble, shall we?

Well, that ain't no word.

Is that a challenge? Is that a challenge
because I have the dictionary? If

that's a challenge, I will open the
dictionary.

Is that a challenge?

No, let's just play. Okay, 87 points.

I think I know how we can get out of
here.

Great, get us out of here, then. Don't
need your help.

What? There's this panel on the ceiling
of the basement. We can push it aside

and there's this little old area and
there's this little service door. I

we can get out through that.

So what do you need me for?

As you get on my shoulders, push the
panel aside.

Don't you have a lighter?

It's outside.

You can't do this without me.

No.

Okay. Good.

Let's go.

All you have to do is apologize.

What are you talking about?

For eating the entire hot dog.

Okay. Seriously.

If I find your mind, which you've
obviously completely lost, I'll be sure

give it to you.

Suit yourself.

You're not serious.

Carol,

I am sorry for eating the entire hot dog
and behaving like a complete jackass.

Was that so hard? You understand this is
not just for me, okay? This is to get

you out of here, too.

Was there an apology in there? Because I
didn't hear it.

See, this is your problem.

This is your problem, okay?

You're one of the most stubborn human
beings to ever roam the planet Earth.

Carol? I'm sorry for eating the entire
hot dog and behaving like a complete

jackass. Well, I'm not going to
apologize for eating a hot dog, which I

eating in the first place, because you
wouldn't apologize.

Your call.

This is ridiculous.

We could be getting out of here right
now.

All right.

How about we both say we're sorry?

You first. No, at the same time.

Okay. All right, on three. One, two,
three.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Come on, let's go.

You said you're sorry.

You said you're sorry.

You're going the wrong way.

Sorry.

That's when Salty Larry made the biggest
mistake of his life.

It's the attempt of the reason with the
giant squid.

For you, dear listeners, the tentacle
lord of the deep is no logical beast.

All right, I'll be going now. Hey, hey,
hey, things are just getting heated up

here. Uh, I can't take this anymore.

Honestly, honey, I've been more
entertained by watching the PAX network.

right, the story's over. I'll do
something better.

You can't be serious.

What's up, Molly? I can't hear you
behind this soundproof, invisible wall.

Welcome to the Underground Railroad. You
ready?

Um, yeah.

On the board.

Uh, okay, okay. Would you be careful
like this? Oh, my God.

Okay, really?

Okay, okay.

You know, hey, we had, like, a big,
giant red coat. We put that on.

I bet we could get into the movie
theater with a single ticket.

What? Never mind. Push the panel aside.

What? Where's the panel? Oh, it's back
here. Back up. Back up.

Okay.

Hey. Oh, what's happening? There you go.
I'm doing it.

Okay. Ready? Ready? Go. One, two, three.

Push.

Push. Whoa.

Whoa. Oh, my God.

Now, how are you going to get up?

It's just there.

Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

That's right.

Road to free... No.

We are not going to lock Ed Steven
inside his... Oh!

Shirley.

Come on. Let us out, Shirley. Come on.
Open the door.

Shirley,

come on. Help me convince this one to...
You know what? I don't have the energy

to argue with Harpo right now.

Listen, Shirley.

If you let us out, I'll give you... Cal?

Cal?

Ah!

Oh, I hurt my ankle.

Hold on, I'm coming.

You know, it really hurt. I think maybe
I should put the mice on there. We will

in a second. Now squeeze out a few tears
if you can, because that ankle is our

ticket out of here.

You must pay the rent.

I can't...

I'll go see.

Mike!

Mike, Mike, Carol sprained her ankle.
You've got to let us out.

Mike, it's for real.

Mike! Mike!

Okay, so where was I?

I can't believe these people. Thank you.
I'll get you an ice pack.

Hey, listen, while I'm in the kitchen,
what else can I get you?

What do you mean?

Grilled cheese, a burger, some nachos,
some eggs.

You have those things?

Mm -hmm.

You've had them the whole time?

Mm -hmm.

Why didn't you say anything?

A little thing called strategy, my
friend.

Yeah.

All right, what do you say to a bacon
cheeseburger omelet?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

I know.

It's amazing.

I know.

How much butter did you use in this?

There's only one thing I know about
cooking. When in doubt, add enough

grease Wyoming.

And the bacon cheeseburger omelet, this
was your invention?

No, no, no. Whenever I had a problem as
a kid, my mom would whip up a bacon

cheeseburger omelet, and 27 ,000
calories later, problem solved.

I know what you mean. My dad used to
make us fried bologna sandwiches

we were in need of a little extra
cheering up.

You know, my mother also had another
trick in her bag. You know, if, uh...

If the comfort food wasn't working,
she'd have Mr. Pickle Bun Eyes go for

soda gusher.

Mr. What?

I'll show you.

Go on, have a drink out of your soda.
You got it?

Uh -huh.

Okay, Carol, allow me to introduce you
to... Mr. Pickle Bun Eyes!

You just made that up.

Well, you know, I saw the pickles, I saw
the buns, I figured... Take a look at

this. I'm sorry.

Oh.

Things have been really complicated
between us lately.

Complicated?

I guess you could say that.

I'm not going to let us go until we
figure things out.

It's looking that way.

Should we give it a shot?

Try some ketchup on that.

It's the only way to have the full
experience.

Here we go.

Cat. Q -A -T spelled cat. Son of a
bitch. I was sure you were going to have

eat that Q.

Oh, no, no. I ain't trying with no Q
tonight, baby. God bless cat.

Q -A -T spelled cat. It's a real word.

You know.

You know it is.

Are you trying to bluff me to
challenging you?

Nah, man.

My dear Eli, I have known the cues
without you since I was nine years old.

Cade, canat, kindar, kintar, kiviot,
koth, and of course, qwerty.

All right, just make your damn move.

Let's see. I think I will turn water
into water zooey on a triple word score.

Water zooey? It's a Belgian stew, and I
do believe I am on my way to a win. Get

ready to dial my brother.

Let me just give you $48.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're afraid
to make one little ask -out. I average

about 26 ask -outs a day.

Well, I don't, all right?

Not lately.

You know what I'm saying, Stubbs.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

But a bet's a bet. Now place your tiles,
Miles.

You know, if you really wanted to do
this the right way...

They should have trapped us in a meat
locker. A meat locker?

Yeah, a meat locker. That's the way it
always goes on TV, you know. People get

stuck in a meat locker, then they start
to reminisce, then they solve the

problems, then they have to huddle
together for the warmth, and that's when

fun really starts. Maybe I should turn
down the thermostat. Ed. Yeah?

A little focus, please.

All right, okay.

Why, Carol, you tell me. How in the name
of sweet jumping Jehoshaphat are we

going to settle our differences?

Well, first I think we need to agree
what those differences are.

What?

Well, that's not going to be easy. Why
not? Because it isn't. Come on, Ed. I

thought we were doing this.

Do you want to have the conversation?

Let's have the conversation.

Yes, let's.

Carol, in my opinion, you and I have
only one problem.

And that problem is that you're in love
with me, but you're too afraid to admit

it to yourself.

I see.

Sorry, but that's my honest opinion, so
what else can I say?

No, it's fine.

It's just my honest opinion is a little
different.

Let's hear it.

My honest opinion is you are in love
with an idealized version of me that I

can't possibly live up to, that nobody
can live up to.

And you're going to keep chasing that
fantasy to fill some hole in you I can't

begin to understand.

We're off to a roaring start, aren't we?

Can I make a suggestion?

Please. Let's move past the stuff that
we can never agree on and focus on the

stuff that we can't, okay? We need to be
like diplomats at a peace summit.

Yes, right.

What we need is a treaty, a pact, a
settlement.

A binding contract.

Exactly. If only we had a lawyer.

Broke it fast.

She was in my English class. This would
be so sweet right now.

Oh, Jenny.

Lost her favorite penny. So I gave her a
dollar. She kissed me and I hollered.

All right. You ready?

Ready.

We, the undersigned, do hereby pledge to
conduct ourselves according to the

following contract of behavior.

Very nice.

Term number one.

We will treat each other with civility
and respect.

Love it.

Now you go.

Okay, turn number two.

We will never meddle with one another's
relationships.

Yeah, good. Yeah, good. Just like the
prime directive of the Starship

Enterprise. Huh?

No Starfleet personnel may interfere
with the healthy development of alien

and culture.

Keep quoting Star Trek, you're not going
to have any relationships for me not to

meddle with.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Turn number one,
civilian respect.

Right. Sorry.

And Bingo most definitely was his name
-o.

Another Bingo? Good God, man.

Snuggle, 74 points. This is not
happening. Oh, but it is. My brother Eli

Cartwright Goggins III is the comeback
king of Scrabble, baby. I win 423 to

338. Game seven is mine. The series is
mine.

And your 48 clams, mine.

All right, listen. One more game, double
or nothing, and I will spot you both

blanks. No way, man. A bet is a bet is a
bet, bet, bet.

Fork it over, nephew.

All right, relax.

We'll get the one we need, man.

You know, Eli, at some point, you're
going to have to get back up on the

Phil, I'm not ready yet.

Listen. Could I have my money back? Are
you nuts? Oh, come on, man. We had a

nice guy -to -guy moment there.

Okay, term number 10. We will always be
honest and straightforward in our

dealings with each other.

Udious. Your turn.

I don't have anything else. Do you?

No, just so it does it for me. Good. Go
ahead and sign it. Let's get the hell

out of here. Okay.

Do you mind taking this out to them?
Because my ankle's kind of... Sure.

Ow.

Ow.

Uh, Carol?

Yeah?

As long as you're being honest, there's
something I'd better tell you.

Is it something I want to hear? Because
if it's not... There's no way I can sign

this without telling you. It's the only
way to put this thing truly behind us.

Okay. Go ahead, then.

All right, silly.

Carol, why do you think I didn't show up
at your wedding?

Because you wanted to hurt me.

No.

I didn't show up at your wedding because
I was clinging to the back of a runaway

horse. What were you doing on a horse?

I was trying to ride to the church.

Why?

To break up your wedding.

To break up my wedding? Yeah, the plan
was to ride in a horseback and whisk you

away, but it was over before I got
there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell
you.

I'm just going to take the thing out.

Half man, half woman out there.

My one chance at something vaguely
resembling happiness, and you destroyed

What? You ruined my wedding, and you
made me lose Dennis.

How can I ruin your wedding? I wasn't
even there.

Of course you were there. You're always
there.

No matter what I try to do, it's... Ed
Stevens is always there.

I don't know what you're so upset about.
Ed, do you want to know why Dennis

walked out of the wedding?

Why?

I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why.

Because he thought I was looking around
the church for you. He thought I was

looking for Ed Stevens.

Were you?

Yeah.

Why, Carol?

It never stopped.

It's been this way ever since you came
back to Stuckyville.

You didn't even know me. Ed, you did not
even know me. And yet you made it your

life's work to just wear me down. It's
like you crawled into my skull and you

found a nice comfy little place to rest
and you refused to leave. No matter what

I said, no matter what I did, you just
never stopped coming.

After me.

You just never stopped. You never wanted
me to stop.

And you wanted me to stop.

It's true, Carol. I did all these
things.

I dressed up as a knight. I sang. I
danced. I threw waffles at your bedroom

window. I hired a skywriter.

I got up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy.

And you loved it.

You loved it.

And you hated it.

Because you didn't think you deserved
it.

You know what, Carol?

You were right.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Carol.

Look at me.

I'm done.

Ready for a brand new beef. Hey, you're
totally entertained right now.

Buckets of rain, buckets of chill. Got
all them buckets coming out of my ears.

Buckets of moonbeams in my hand.

You got all the love, honey, baby, I
just think.

We're done.

I'm gonna go on home.

I've been meek and hot like an oak.

I've seen pretty people disappear like
smoke.

Friends will arrive, friends will
disappear.

You want me, honey, baby, I'll be here.