Original subtitles

It's called the roll.

And no man ever been able to escape.

I will escape the roll. You will not escape the roll. I will escape the roll.

Okay. One, two, three.

Escape the roll.

I can't escape the roll. Told you.

What happens now?

I've suddenly grown fond of the role.

So I planned the perfect day for us. So far, so good. But it's not today.

What do you mean? It's next Saturday.

Next Saturday?

Mm -hmm.

We're going to start by waking up bright and early. We're going to watch the sun

come up. We're going to take a nice long... Wait, wait. Next Saturday is

wedding. I know. That's why I planned the perfect day for us.

Oh, but I... I have to go to Carol's wedding. Why?

So you can be like all...

Sad and mopey and oh, poor, poor me.

Ed, the average person has 26 ,452 days on this earth. Do you really want to

spend one of them watching Carol Vesey marry Dennis Martino?

No.

No, I don't.

Honey, you know, I've said that a thousand times, but I will say it again.

really appreciate you changing your mind about Ed coming to the wedding. No

problem.

It's really important to me that he's there.

Listen, I don't care who else is there as long as you show up.

Watching the wide world rise.

Coming.

Hello?

Stella? Huh?

I'm here to celebrate my big sister's wedding with the sincere hope of having

few too many wine spritzers and hooking up with a groomsman.

But your flight wasn't due in until 7 p .m. Oh, I know. I ended up not flying.

You didn't?

How'd you get here?

A few of us were out, and I met this guy, Ron. He does something with money

something, and he offered me a ride.

Wait, you met a man in Boston who offered you a ride to Ohio?

Yep. Is he here?

No, he dropped me off and went back.

Really? So where's the big man of mystery? I want to meet my future

-law. He's upstairs.

Yo, Dennis, get your ass down here and meet the better Vessi sister.

Shut up.

So, Eddie, what can you tell us about the reappearance of your little friend,

Jennifer? A little too early to tell. Well, one thing to tell is she's still

hot. She's very, very hot. All right, Michael.

Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't eat food.

Saying it's just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't read the menu. I

don't want to read the menu. I want to eat the food. Well, you can't, Mike,

because you're on a diet. That's right, the Nancy diet. The lifelong Nancy diet.

Sorry, buddy.

Ah, look at the gang.

Hey, guys. It's so adorable the way you guys just, like, chew on life and rib

each other. I love it. Have you seen that show 30 -something?

What can we do for you at once?

I decided to write a hilarious song parody in honor of Carol's impending

nuptials. And I thought we could all have a little...

inside baseball talk, if you know what I mean.

You know, her foibles, embarrassments, sex poids.

I don't think Miss Vessi would like you putting her sex poids too soft.

So, there are sex poids.

She's here.

Everybody pretend like we're talking about something else. My God, the dollar

just seems more vulnerable than ever, huh?

First the euro, then the yen.

Pretty soon the Pacers are going to be kicking our ass.

Oh, hi.

Hi, guys.

Everybody, I want you to meet my little sister, Stella.

Obviously, you know Molly.

Nancy, Mike, Warren, Mark, and Ed.

So let's get right to it. Who's doing what on the big day?

Nancy, you're a bridesmaid? Yeah. Molly, you asked me for the maid of honor

spot, which I'm cool with. Good.

What about you two?

Flower girls?

Mark and Warren are actually my students.

Do you ever fall asleep when she talks?

I do.

All the time.

Warren. I don't. Come on, I'm just rapping with Stella.

There's a brave one.

What about you, Ed?

Can we make him an honorary bridesmaid?

Um.

Carol. Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

I'm not coming to the wedding.

What? Yeah, I just don't think it'd be a good thing.

Wow, that's a surprise.

Isn't that Dennis? Because he's actually fine with you coming.

No, it's not Dennis.

I just think it'd be better for everyone if I wasn't there.

Okay, if you think that is best.

It is.

Okay.

All right, check this.

My name is Warren Cheswick and I'm here to say Carol Bessie's getting married in

every way.

Holy crap.

What? You have achieved a level of lameness so pure it can only be

strict laboratory conditions.

What are you talking about, Ben? Of course, Carol Vesey Rath. She's getting

married in every way.

Really? Is that just fine with you?

Oh, hey.

This is Miss Vesey's little sister.

You know, maybe she can give me some stuff to work with.

Excuse me.

Stella, right?

Flower girl.

What can I trouble you up to?

Trouble? No, no trouble.

No? When I was your age, I was always in trouble.

Really? Now I'm old, so I slow down a little bit.

How old?

Guess my age. I'll give you a spell, bud.

I don't know.

28.

59 last Thursday.

Hey, listen.

I need to write, like, this funny song about Miss Bessie.

Oh, please call her Carol.

Miss Bessie will freak me out.

Okay. Well, yeah, so I'm going to, like, play the guitar and sing this song

about her, but I kind of need some funny stuff about Carol to put in there. You

want something embarrassing about Carol?

You hit the mother load.

Really? Yes, you have to let me help you. This will be so much fun.

Oh, yeah, great.

Yeah, and I play the harmonica, so you have to work me into the band.

You're in.

And I need my own trailer filled with Colt 45.

I'll get you Colt 46.

But I have this family thing.

I'll meet you back here tomorrow at 4.

Okay, cool.

Bye, flower girl.

All right, bye.

Mr. and Mrs. Martino, it is such a pleasure to finally get to spend some

with the two of you. Call me Frank. That's what everyone calls me. I was

Thomas, but everybody calls me Frank. You want to know why?

Why? It beats the bejesus out of me.

Hi, I'm Alex.

Oh, Dennis's brother.

Hi, of course. I recognize you from the picture. Who do you think used to win in

a fight between these two? Dad.

Neither, because they would both punch like little schoolgirls.

Oh, thank you.

All right, everybody, make yourselves at home. Our cocktail wheeze, your

cocktail wheeze. Daddy.

Hey, baby. Hi.

Hi, Rita. Hi, how are you? Jack.

Mr. Bessie, nice to see you. Hello, Dennis.

Just give us a second. Sure.

Listen, Dennis, I'm a straight shooter.

Okay.

I wasn't happy that I didn't meet you before you and my daughter decided to

married. That's not easy for a father.

Yeah, I understand.

But the truth is, that is really just between me and Carol, not me and you.

So, onward and upward, all right?

Okay. Thank you.

Richard, that is not a movie title.

Butt shake, butt shake.

Mr. Butt Shake goes to Washington.

What? Time.

Mr. Smith goes to Washington.

Well, what is it?

Booty call.

That's the name of a movie?

Yes. This is my booty. This is me calling.

That was a good one, honey. Dennis, you're up. All right, all right. Listen,

not much of a charades guy, but here we go. Okay.

Tell us the category.

Yeah.

Movie.

Sky?

Guy? No speaking.

Do something, you big stiff.

Over the Rainbow.

Wizard of Oz?

Saved by the Bell.

What are all those cars doing in the driveway?

I don't know. I can't play today. We got the Dennis and Carol thing going on.

Oh, I totally forgot about that. I'm an idiot.

All right, go back.

No, no, no. Why don't you come in?

No, no, Mike. That's not my place.

Oh, come on. We're playing charades.

Charades?

That you put on the lake and you pedal them like a bicycle to make them go?

Pedal boats.

Yeah, I thought that could be a fun part of our big Saturday together.

Okay. Because I think that the pedal boat is the best proof that we humans

the most evolved of all the species.

Pedal boats. Yeah, I mean, think about it. The light bulb, the computer, those

are necessary.

But the pedal boat? It's just us showing off. It's us taunting the other

species, saying, hey, look what we can do. We can make a boat that's like a

bicycle. For no reason.

Okay.

Okay, that's it.

What's it?

You, dear sir, have to break up Carol this week's wedding.

What? Ed, it's now or never. Once she gets married, she's gone for good.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm selfish.

Selfish how?

Either you end up with Carol, which I can live with, or you don't end up with

Carol, which I can totally live with.

But me here talking about pedal boats while you're thinking about Carol, that

can't live with.

Taking the church for a little test. drive?

Molly.

Yeah? Do you think I'm making a mistake?

Getting married?

Getting married to Dennis.

Carol,

that is a dumb question.

Be honest with me.

Look, if I did think you were making a mistake by marrying Dennis, and I'm not

saying that I do, but if I did, I couldn't tell you.

Because once you got married, you would never, ever forget what I said. So, you

see, there is no way for a friend to give a truly honest answer to that

question.

Unless, of course, you didn't think I was making a mistake.

Then there'd be no need to explain all that.

You know, Ed, when I told you to break up Carol's wedding, this is hardly what

had in mind. Jennifer, when you're going to break up a wedding, you've got to do

something big.

You've got to do the pounding on the window and the screaming, Elaine!

Because that only applies in a situation where the bride's name is Elaine.

Yeah, but why can't you just go there and talk to her? I mean, do you have to

in there and just barge into the wedding? Not my style, sister. Now, with

okay, the pounding on the window and the screaming, it's not even an option.

Why not?

Because it would be Carol!

Carol!

Carol! It doesn't work. You need a bride with a two -syllable name with the

accent on the second syllable, okay? Elaine!

See what I mean?

Sadly, I do.

Howdy. Can I help you?

Yes, you can. Are you Cowboy Willie?

No. Okay, well, this is kind of important. Is there any way I could deal

directly with Cowboy Willie?

Cowboy Willie died in 1993.

Oh. He choked on a biscuit.

We're so... So sorry. We're so sorry.

He was a bastard.

Oh. What can I do for you?

Okay, well, uh... Look, I'm going to level with you... What's your name?

Willie.

It's a coincidence.

Right, okay.

All right, well, Willie, look.

Here's the thing. There's this girl, Carol, and she's going to marry the

guy. So I'm going to need a big, beautiful horse so I can ride right into

church, into the middle of the wedding, just like John Wayne, and say, Carol, do

not marry that man!

Or something like that. I'm still working on the actual line. That's

it good?

Yeah, that ain't going to happen. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What do

you mean? Why not?

Why not?

For a million reasons. First of all, hoof slide.

Hoof slide? Hoof slide.

That's right, hoof slide.

You gallop a horse onto a church floor and it'll be sliding around like Dorothy

Hamill after a fifth of Kahlua. No, no, no. I plan to go very slowly, very

carefully inside the church. I know a thing or two about ponies.

Come on, Willie.

Having ever done anything crazy for a girl?

Tell you what, cowboy.

If you can honestly answer yes to my next question, I'll let you do it.

Shoot, Willie.

Do you have a major credit card with a very big spending limit?

There's no way I can use this.

Wait, here's another one.

You want to know how Carol learned how to kiss?

By practicing on a Mr. T doll.

Get out of here.

Yep, she loves the 18.

Get that down. No.

You know what?

I'm going sweet and sappy.

Chicken. What?

Well, come on. You've just got to be your sister. I've got to get greeted by

woman. It's true.

So, hey, what are you doing in Boston, anyway?

I play that swing for the Bruins. Is that so?

No, I really play foley. All right, you know what?

I'm going to guess what it is you do.

Okay. You are a publicist, consultant, salesperson, law student who works with

children, and the elderly, in a nursing capacity, astronaut, pediatrician, truck

driver. I work in a bookstore.

Who works in a bookstore?

Then let me finish.

Turn to the right. I'm trying, I'm trying. I thought you said you knew a

or two about ponies. I do, I do. I just, a thing or two, that's not a lot of

things when you really think about it.

Don't hold on to the reins so tightly, Ed.

Like this?

That's it, nice and easy. Oh yeah, she's settling down. I gotta go, whoa, what's

that? It's a trot. Ow, bouncy, ow, bouncy.

Sure gets your attention south of the border, doesn't it?

Move with the horse. Don't fight it. Oh, hey, I think I'm getting it. Okay.

That's good.

Okay, now if you want to stop, just pull back on the reins.

Whoa. This marriage must not happen.

Nah, that's not it.

Woo -hoo. Good job riding, cowboy Ed. I do believe I'm ready to break up a

wedding.

All right, Willie.

All right, well, I'll be back Saturday morning to pick up my trusty feet here.

By the way, what's his name?

This is Mrs. Fluffanutter.

Oh.

You're a...

Oh. Are you sure it's okay to be eating ice cream in a cemetery?

Why wouldn't it be?

I don't know, it kind of makes me feel guilty, you know? It's like, here we are

enjoying all this creamy deliciousness, and then there they are, you know, dead.

I love cemeteries.

So, Warren? You got a girlfriend?

A girlfriend?

No.

Why not?

Well, honestly, I decided to move beyond women.

Is that right? Yeah, yeah. I fear that, you know, losing my virginity might

compromise my intense spirituality.

Don't want to do that.

I used to come here all the time back in high school.

Where you go?

Why? This place always made all my problems feel small.

Jill Doug.

Hey. Hi.

What are you doing here at six in the morning?

I know, I couldn't sleep.

That's funny, neither could I.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Fine.

Saturday's a big day, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

I had a great time with your family.

Oh, they love you.

Well, they're great people. Yeah, I have a feeling if I hadn't told Stella not

to, she would have been all over you.

How do you feel?

What's the matter? Those are Swedish pancakes. You love Swedish pancakes.

Nothing. I was just thinking, this is where you met Mom, right?

Of course. The ye olde Stuckyville Pie Shop.

How many times have I told you that story?

Tell me again.

Okay.

I was standing in line right up there by the bakery counter.

Your mother was just ahead of me.

God, she was beautiful.

She looked...

Just like, what's her name, from Bewitched.

And she said to the counterman, give me three peach pies. Now, see, I want to

flirt with her, so I say, why all the peach pies?

And she looked at me and she said, I really, really like peach pie.

And she left.

I love that.

So I asked around, found out who she was.

I started hitting every bakery in town.

And that night, I showed up on a doorstep with 30 peach pies.

That's just history.

I can't believe you did that.

Oh, thank you. Well, this old flea -bitten moose you see before you was

passionate young elk.

I didn't know young elk grew up to be moose.

Of course they do.

So, what's your story?

My story?

Yeah, you know, the Ewan Dennis story.

I mean, I want to hear it. How'd you meet?

What did you do to win my Sammy song?

You know, it was just the usual kind of stuff.

Oh.

Somebody's embarrassed to get mushy in front of Dad, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe a little bit.

Cape or no cape?

What? Personally, I say cape. I mean, if you're going to charge in there on a

white stallion, there's really no point in dressing conservatively.

No cape.

Okay. But you like the suit, right?

No suit.

Why no suit?

No cape, no suit, no horse.

I can't do it, Jennifer.

Why not?

Carol came to see me and she told me how much she needs me at her wedding.

You will be at her wedding on a mighty steed. What could be better than that?

She needs me there as a friend.

I believe Martino is your future.

She will be your husband Saturday.

Your true love for Dennis cannot be denied.

You'll be a lovely bride.

Still, I got to say that the thought of you and him

making out is true.

You decided long ago you had to be with Mr.

Martino. He is tough, but he is fair.

At least he doesn't dye his hair.

No matter what your name might be, you'll always be our Miss Fanny.

Thank you.

I think she liked it.

She loved it.

I gotta say, you know, I was a little worried about rhyming you with martini,

but I don't think it bothered her. No, it blew right past her.

Mr. Chaswick, I do believe we killed her. Yeah, we did.

Thank you, Stella. Man, this was so cool. No, I had a blast.

Well,

I still let you get back to England. Right.

Warren? Yeah?

Do you feel like hanging out sometime?

Yeah, sure. You mean, like, that'd be cool. You mean, like, go to the movies

something? Why don't we just stay in and watch TV or something?

Okay.

Come over around nine?

Okay, yeah.

All right.

Dennis? Yeah? What do you tell people when they ask how we met? You and me?

Yeah. Tell them we met at an all -night massage parlor. What?

Come on. Seriously, what do you tell them?

I tell them I got a job at a school where you were teaching.

And then what?

And then we took a really strong liking towards one another.

More like a really strong hating, wouldn't you say?

Geez, what's on your mind? Two, please.

Nothing. I was just talking to my dad this morning, and he was telling me

how when he met my mom, he brought her 30 pies the first time he asked her out.

30 pies?

That's a lot of pies.

That's impressive.

Yeah. It's a really cute story, actually, and it got me to thinking

story, you know?

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Hey,

Eli, where's Ed? Oh, he went out shopping. What's up?

Uh, no, it's kind of personal.

All right, I'll tell him you stopped by.

What's your name again, Maurice?

Warren.

Actually, you got a second?

Yeah, what do you need?

Well, I need some advice.

This Saturday night, I'm going to be, like, intimate with a woman.

Intimate? Yeah.

I'm going to do it for a crime.

Pull up a chair, Nathan.

Really? Yeah, to pull up a chair. All right,

first things first.

How old are you?

Just turned 18.

So I am street legal and ready to drive.

And the young lady?

She's 28.

God bless you.

My man, God bless you.

Thanks. That is fine woman. Is she a sister? Because that's my area of

expertise. No, actually, she's about as white as a trout's belly.

But she might be of, like, mixed ancestry. I can't totally rule that out.

look, look. It doesn't matter. The fact is, every woman wants the same basic

thing.

Okay.

Now, what's that?

G -E -N -R -O -C -I -T -Y.

Make sure she gets her pleasure before you take your own.

And how do I do that?

Just do what feels natural.

Eli, please, can you draw me a diagram or write some exercises for me, please?

need help.

No, look, you don't need anything, dude. You have everything you need.

I do.

Just wait and see.

It's going to be like the Lord is going to give you this magic hammer that knows

how to build a house all by itself.

No blueprints necessary.

Okay.

Thanks. You all right?

Be around.

Anytime, Maurice.

Hey.

Yeah. You go out there and build me a mansion and make sure you wear your work

gloves.

I think you might need one of these.

You didn't have to do this.

Listen, I am a reasonably bright guy.

And I got what you were saying today.

Oh, I wasn't trying to say anything. I really wasn't. I didn't... But this

It's great. Wow.

Look at this. It's great.

Listen, I know who I am.

And I know who I'm not. I'm not the life of the party.

I'm not the king of romance. I'm certainly not the guy that every 12

girl dreams she's going to marry when she grows up.

Dennis. Ask me who I am.

Who are you?

I'm somebody who loves you more than he's ever loved anyone.

Somebody who's happier than he ever thought he could be.

And somebody who's going to spend the rest of his life trying to make you as

happy as he can.

Does that sound like a bad Kevin Costner movie?

Mm -mm.

Not at all.

I love you. I love you.

Well, this is it.

You bought every kind of condom in the store? Yeah, so which one should I use?

You bought every kind of condom in the store? Yes, Mark, I'm aware of that,

okay? There were too many choices. I couldn't decide.

So could you please give me a hand?

Sorry.

How about those? Those look pretty good.

I don't know. They're kind of plain vanilla, aren't they? I need all the

can get.

Right.

How about those? Those have all the extras.

Yeah?

Wow.

No, see, the thing is, I've got to be careful because I don't want to look

like, fancy down there, you know? Too busy.

Please. What? Oh, come on. Imagine something this ornate coming at you. All

right. All right.

Let's split the difference.

These.

These are perfect.

Good. Glad you're happy.

You think I should try one on?

Yeah, I think you better.

It's so thick.

Good. I can't believe it after all the pie I ate. Oh, honey, you are going to

look gorgeous tomorrow.

Thank you, Molly.

I'm so excited.

Well, maybe I'm going to have to take you down with a tranquilizer dart. I'm

sorry, Molls, but how often in your life does everything feel perfect?

Perfect, perfect, perfect. This feels perfect.

In French, parfait.

In Italian, perfetto mondo.

That's not Italian. That's Fonzarellian.

Really? Then how do you say perfect in Italian?

Carol. Yes.

Are you trying to talk yourself into something?

What?

No. What are you talking about?

Hey, Molly. Hi. Just brought by a little pre -wedding gift for Carol.

Ed. Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, I know.

Thank you.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm interrupting.

No, you're not. It's fine.

I should... I should... I'll see you tomorrow.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Something blue.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's the wall.

It's so messed up. You got to see this. Are you kidding?

I've seen this movie like 50 times. Yeah?

Of course. What right -thinking person doesn't like Floyd?

How long are you going to be in town?

I'm heading back to Boston Sunday morning.

Sunday morning.

Really? Wow, that's kind of soon.

Move back to Stuckyville.

What?

Yeah.

I'm kissing the future Mrs. Stella Chadwick.

Warren, I think you're getting a little carried away.

Oh, Stella, I'm really not.

But I'm ten years older than you.

So what?

Dinah Shore was twenty years older than Burt Reynolds.

I'm sorry, Warren.

I've got to go back to Boston.

But that doesn't mean we can't.

You mean, right?

Mm -hmm.

What's the matter?

You don't?

Not if this is all it's going to be.

Are you sure?

Parts of me are a little less sure than others.

But yeah.

Owen, I know 35 -year -old guys who aren't as mature as you.

Maturity sucks.

What time is the wedding?

No.

It's 11 .15.

Yeah.

Shouldn't you go get dressed?

Yeah. Are you going to go get dressed?

Yeah.

Okay, Captain Moby.

Time to cheer you up. Move over. What are you doing? I found this on the net.

There's no way you can watch this without hysterically laughing.

You ready?

Hi, Sammy.

Hi, Danny.

This here is the single most beautiful sight I've ever seen.

Thank you.

Help me with this.

Sure.

So, how are you feeling?

Oh, you know, terrified to the core of my being.

Just butterflies.

Pterodactyls. You'll be fine.

Okay. Okay.

We got to go. They're lining up out there.

Already? Yep. It's time for stuff.

Okay.

Molly. Molly.

Bill. Bill. Oh, gosh. Okay.

Let me help you with that.

Okay. Okay. Both.

Yeah. Is Ed here?

I haven't seen him yet. Why? Do you need something?

No.

Okay, let's go down.

Okay.

Willie! Hey, Willie!

Oh, I thought you canceled.

Yes, I did, but now I'm uncanceling. Oh, so you're going through with it. Yes, I

am. Willie, set up Ms.

Fluffernutter. Oh, there's one problem, though. What's that? Mrs. Fluffernutter

isn't here.

What? She's out on the trail. Same with all the other horses.

Well, you don't have any horses left to ride? What about that one?

You want to ride Crazy Jimmy?

Oh, come on.

You're actually telling me the one horse left me to ride to the wedding is

called Crazy Jimmy?

Yep. Oh, well, great. That's just a little too perfect, don't you think? I

what? You call it Crazy Jimmy because it's not crazy at all, right? Call it

crazy because it's docile and uncontrollable. It's a sarcastic name,

Ah!

Crazy Jimmy!

Oh, no! Oh, no, boy!

Oh, boy!

We are gathered here today to unite Dennis and Carol in marriage.

Should there be anyone who has cause why this couple should not be united, they

must speak now or forever hold their peace.

Let's go, Crazy Jimmy.

Anything? Crazy Jimmy.

Afternoon, ma 'am. You have a lovely home.

Let's go, Crazy Jimmy. Learning to love and live together is the shared goal of

a married life.

You will now express your commitment to that goal through your vows.

Dennis, do you take Carol to be your wife?

You promise to love,

honor, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others.

In sickness and in health, till death do you part.

I do.

Carol, do you take Dennis to be your husband?

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him, forsaking

all others, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death

do you part?

He's not here.

This is over.

Dennis!

What are you doing? I'm going to Disney World.

What are you doing? I'm getting the hell out of here. Why?

You were looking for Ed.

What? What are you talking about? I should have seen this coming.

You know what? I did see this coming.

What? did I do?

You're supposed to be marrying me. You're scanning the church for another

You're about to say I do, and you're thinking about another guy. It's sort of

red flag, don't you think?

Dennis, you're being crazy. No, I'm not.

But I wasn't.

Why would I be looking for Ed?

Because you're in love with him.

I'm in love with you.

Goodbye, Carol.

Dennis.

Dennis?

Dennis?

Hey, Mike.

Hey.

Did I miss it?

There's no it. What's with the horse?

What do you mean there's no it? The wedding's off.

Why? Nobody knows.

Where's Carol? She's inside. What are you doing? Just hold crazy, Jimmy.

Hi, Jimmy.