Original subtitles

Right, and that's how shellfish ruins a wedding, so be careful.

Next round's on me.

Fantastic.

So, are you going to record online or through a store or what?

I haven't even gotten that far in my thinking. I don't know.

I think you should know now that I'm giving you a gravy boat. I have gravy

dibs. Thank you. And it's very, very sweet.

Yep. A gravy boat's essential to any good marriage. Mike and I would have

totally split still if it wasn't for the old gravy boat.

Can I give you a hand with those?

No, thanks. I'm good.

How are you doing?

Fine. No complaints.

You've been working really hard recently. I haven't seen you at all.

Yeah, I've been kind of busy lately.

Let's see you back at the table. Yeah, back at the table.

Okay.

What's going on with you two? Nothing.

Everything's fine.

All right. Ten bucks it.

$8 .55.

Come on. You're going to stand by the jukebox the whole time. I thought we

friends. Ten bucks it. You suck.

Ten bucks it.

Aww.

Thank you.

Hey, Phil. Hey, Shirley. Hey.

See who's in there?

Huh? Can you believe that?

Is that?

Yeah. Curtis and Desmond, Zoom 105.

The station that talks the talk and walks the walk.

Thank you, Shirley. Anytime.

Hey, hey, hey. Hold on. Hold on.

I just need five minutes in a room with these guys to show them my material.

Wacky characters, impressions, prank calls.

Can I get into my office, please? Can you at least let them know that I do a

dead -on Vin Diesel impression?

I'll try to pass that on.

Hi. I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Call me Ed. Hi.

Hey, how are you?

Is this Curtis?

No, I know who you guys are. Curtis and Desmond in the morning. Please, have a

seat.

What can I do for you guys?

Curtis and Desmond's Greatest Bits. It's a compilation of our funniest material.

Greatest Bits CD.

That's great. I'd buy that. We've got a record company on board, too. I wonder

if you could take a look at our contracts for us. Sure, sure.

I think the favorite routine I've ever heard you guys do is the one with the...

The astronaut.

The astronaut.

Sally, the astronaut. Right, right, right. She's all, ooh, ooh.

She's all giving me the NASA guys a hard time. Hi, this is Houston. Sally, how's

the loading dock going? Damn, Houston, you got the problem, not me. Why you got

a front like that? All right, take it down a notch there, Sally. You know how

do the loading bay. We get all up in it. Come on now, bitch. All up in it. Pick

them in the grill, G.

It's just too good.

How come that's not on here?

We agree to leave it out.

Ah, that's too bad. That's too bad. It's so funny.

Somebody thinks Sally's tired.

Play Haki. Yeah, and not funny and trite and dumb.

No offense said. None taken. Why do you have to be like that? Sally is a good

bit. Yeah, well, you know what? When we come up with our most mediocre bits in

the history of radio CD, then we can put that one in there.

But until then, I think not.

Okay, well, that's cool in the game.

But, you know, when we do the worst bits in the history of radio, CD, we're

going to have to put all your bits on there. Is that okay with you? Is that

okay? It's my character, English Dave.

I love English Dave. Thank you. Okay, you don't have to be nice, Ed. People

English Dave like they love cancer.

He's not being nice. Everybody loves English Dave.

Please, just hit me in the back of the head. Pull me out of my misery. Right

here, one shot. That should do it. Please, I beg you. Me too.

You know, I know a guy who does a killer Vin Diesel impression.

Freaking five.

Mmm,

that's your dinner coffee.

Which is great, by the way, huh? I tried a different roast.

Ethiopian blend.

Oh, look out.

Look out. The diehard French roast drinker is branching out. I guess I'm in

experimental mood.

I'm all in favor of experimenting.

Mmm.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way, honey.

Because I want us to go to a marriage counselor.

What? I think it would be good for us.

What are you talking about?

Well, the other day I heard about this thing called preemptive counseling.

Tons of happily married couples are doing it.

Preemptive counseling?

You know how you complain that patients won't come in for routine physicals, and

then when something's really wrong, they've got it too late? It's the same

thing. Yeah, well, I say that, but I don't really mean it. Well, it makes

perfect sense, Mike.

I think we should do this now while everything's great between us. Where

do you hear about this? I don't know.

Just around.

Just around?

Yeah, on TV, I guess.

Okay, fine. I admit it. I thought on Oprah. Oh, no. She's taping Oprah.

Well, thank you so much for coming in. What else have you got hanging out in

that beard of yours, DJ Weird Beard?

Got some french fried potatoes in there.

Those are surprisingly hot and delicious. Thank you. You're welcome.

Anything else up in there?

Got Jimmy Hoppa up in my beard.

Oh, here he comes now. Oh, okay.

We gotta organize a union.

I've been saying that for years about your beard, DJ Weird Beard. Who else is

in there?

The king of late nights here, too, Johnny Carson. Johnny Carson. This is

you've been since retirement, huh? Hello, Curtis. Hello. It's an honor.

Boy, oh boy, I haven't seen such a weird patch of hair like this since I played

strip poker with Adrian Barbeau.

It's Curtis and Desmond in the morning.

I really like that character, Weird Beer.

Thanks. Yeah, but I liked it better when Billy Bob Thornton did it in the movie

Sling Blade. Bite me. Bite yourself.

What if I could?

Is this you guys?

Yeah. Our first broadcast on my mom's old tape recorder.

That was my mom's tape recorder.

What, are you going to take credit for stuff from the past, too? No, it can't

your mom's tape recorder. They don't sell tape recorders in the prison gift

shop. Nice.

Well, I got the contracts.

There's been a few revisions, but they're pretty much ready to be signed.

Cool. You mind if I take a look? Go ahead.

Looks good.

Yeah, everything's in order except for this part here. I gotta work with this

jackwad.

I always

get

mine. You wanna throw them?

Wait, wait, wait, what are we doing? That's it.

It's over. You hear me?

Oh, my.

You know what you guys need? You need a vacation.

Club Med has this great seven -day package.

It's really great. Now, you want to get tanned? No, no, no.

That meeting in your office the other day was the last straw. What? When you

said you liked my bit, that really moved me, man.

And it made me realize that I've been rolling over all these years for this

-bit jackass.

Oh, yeah? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't let one silly

little dispute break you guys up.

I don't work with narcissists. I can't work with an egomaniacal clown.

Hey, look, you guys have to work this out, all right? You don't throw 20 years

of friendship out the window.

I'm going to take my bits, and I'm getting out of here. Wait a minute. What

bits? You ain't got no bits. You're lucky if you got kibbles and bits.

What? Are you crazy? What, are you going to argue about what I own, what my bits

are? Who are you to say what bits are yours?

But I'd decide.

Excuse me? You're a lawyer. You've done this kind of thing before. You figure

out who has ownership of the bits.

I don't know if that's fair. Yeah, yeah.

You decide.

It's 7 .28 in the a .m., so all you folks that have hit this news button 40

times, that's enough. Wake up, you bum.

Come on.

Curtis and Desmond, those guys are both a hoot and a holler.

Yeah. What are you doing for them exactly?

You know, things.

No legal things.

It's right up your alley, saying you're a lawyer now.

Good morning.

Good morning, sunshine.

Hey, Ed.

What is it I hear about you hanging out with Curtis and Desmond?

What? It's a secret?

They just asked me to do some stuff for them. Legal stuff.

I hitched an idea for an article on them. The paper.

My editor really, really liked it. But every time I try and contact Curtis and

Desmond directly, I just hit a big stone wall.

Big stone wall.

I forgot six women just asked. I was hoping you could introduce me to them.

would be a really big break for me.

I'm sorry, I just don't think I can do that.

They're my clients.

You know.

Right. I get it. No problem.

I'm sorry. No, hey, I got it.

So, Miles, I'll see you later on, right? Yeah.

Bye, Ed.

Bye.

What are you doing? What the hell are you doing?

I heard you the first time.

Okay, I'm using the hell for emphasis. Why are you treating her like that with

the shortness? Shortness.

Please. Please. You are shorter with her than...

Herve Villachez.

Why can't you just introduce her to Curtis and Desmond?

It just wouldn't be appropriate to introduce her to my clients. It's as

as that. Herve Villachez.

Tattoo, really?

It's like a 30 -year -old reference. You might as well have gone with Webster.

Yeah, before we divvy up the bits, we just want to make sure you know that

can't get out.

Absolutely. No problem.

Okay, now, about the bits. Here's what I think we should do.

Why don't I name a routine, and you guys try and figure out to the best of your

recollection how it came about, and then maybe we can decide who it should

belong to, okay?

Cool. I'll do that.

Okay. So, start with Trevor, world's oldest talking tree.

Interesting story.

Growing up, we had this huge old maple tree in our backyard.

The thing looked like it was probably a thousand years old.

My dad always used to say, if that tree could talk, boy, I bet it would tell you

a story. Yeah, I got an idea.

Why don't we just admit that you're ripping off Mel Brooks' 2 ,000 -year

man and we can move on to the next bit?

Because I didn't. Because Trevor's 1 ,000 years old and he's Asian.

That's why he sounds like Jackie Mason?

So, Trevor goes to Curtis.

How about Wells McPreppy Ivy League jackass? Oh, he can have that one. We

did it once or twice anyway.

Not a big hit. I guess something's not a success in your book unless it's been

beaten mercilessly into the ground.

No, it just has to be funny.

Okay, Wells goes to Desmond.

Houdini, the bovine escape artist?

Grew up in cow country.

What's your problem?

Why do all your lame -ass routines have to have some homespun backstory to them?

You're from Detroit!

I was there.

We needed something to rhyme with Houdini.

We came up with Moudini.

End of story, Ed.

So, we can agree that Moudini is Curtis's?

Yes, we can.

No, we can't.

Yes, we can.

No, we can't.

Yes, we can.

Oh, we can't because I'm a thousand years old and Asian.

Oh,

hey, sorry.

You guys are really busy. The guys are very busy. They'll get you. Hi. They'll

get you later. Hi, I'm Carol Bestie. Hi, Cal. This is really not a good time. Do

we know you? No, you don't. Can I talk to you for a moment? Ed, what are you

doing? Just, not a good time. Guys, hey guys, I'm... reporter for the Sucky Bowl

of Progress, and I just want to write a little piece of news for the paper. My

clients will consider your offer only if it's presented in writing.

That's right. Maybe later.

Come on. Your listeners want this. Don't you think you owe it to the fans?

Can we talk about this later, please?

You get to turn down free publicity. Who turns down free publicity?

And what are you hiring a lawyer for anyway?

What are you talking about?

Why don't you let me write a harmless little puff piece for the entertainment

section of the newspaper?

Fine.

Call the office. We'll set it up. Really? Thank you. That's great.

Thank you so much.

Look at that, Bernard Goldberg. He went to med school, that guy.

He's a dermatologist now. He had the worst skin I've ever seen.

Oh, here we are. Dr. Judith Kim, suite 303.

Yeah, don't you think it was kind of unfair that we're going to see a woman?

What do you mean? Oh, come on, Nancy. This is marriage counseling.

Preemptive marriage counseling.

Preemptive or not, the counselor's bound to take sides. Odds are a woman's going

to automatically be in your camp. Well, I don't think that's true.

Sure it is.

But this isn't going to work.

What we need is a married marriage counseling team.

That's the only way to have a level playing field.

Is this a last -minute play -together session?

It is.

Duckyville. Curtis and Desmond in the morning.

WFDY Zoom 105.

Yeah,

baby, toss off them covers, brush the sleep from your eyes.

And welcome once again to another morning, another day, another

Curtis and Desmond in the morning. Yeah, baby.

What did you do this weekend, Curtis?

Oh, well, this weekend I saw the Batmobile at the boat show. That was

fantastic. You actually own a version of the Batmobile. I do. What are you doing

here? I'm working.

Ed, why are you here?

Also working.

You know,

there was a time when you were actually supportive of my writing career. I just

didn't think it was appropriate to introduce you to my clients. That's all

nothing else, strictly a professional decision.

Could have been handled differently, that's all I'm saying.

Dr. Kim, I just wanted to say how excited we are to be here.

Are we, honey? Oh, yeah.

Good. Now, what I do is a little different than what you may be used to.

be working within a structure, a framework, if you will.

Should I wear my hard hat?

Sorry.

Let's begin with some communication skills that will help you to create

and move toward wholeness.

Great, great. You ready, Mike?

Sure. This exercise is called mirroring. Nancy, you'll be the sender, and Mike,

you'll be the receiver.

The what?

Whoa, look who's here with us today, the Brick. Thank you for coming, Brick.

Oh, my pleasure, bro -am.

What are you planning on asking the guys?

Oh, I really don't think I should discuss that, Ed.

I'm sure you understand.

I want to get a donut.

It's 7 .45.

You should be at breakfast. We should be in an asylum.

It's Curtis and Desmond in the morning.

WFBY Zoom 105.

Speaking of breakfast.

Just because you do the voice doesn't mean you created it. He's mine. He goes

with me.

You're one greedy bastard, you know that?

Nancy, think of an event, something that Mike did that caused you frustration or

concern. Okay.

And, Mike, you're going to listen closely to what Nancy has to say and

mirror it back to her.

Huh? Repeat her words exactly.

That'll let her know you heard how she feels.

Okay.

Begin. Oh, I don't have anything yet. Sorry.

Oh, I got one. I got one. This is a good one.

Mike always walks three steps ahead of me. What?

When we walk anywhere, you're always way ahead of me. It's rude.

Nancy, turn and look at Mike.

Now, begin again by saying, when you walk three steps ahead of me, it makes

feel... Oh, I got it. I got it. Okay.

Mike, when you walk three steps ahead of me, it makes me feel... Neglected?

Good, Mike. Now mirror it back to her.

So, apparently, when I walk ahead of you, which I didn't even know I did, it

upsets you. Excuse me, Mike. You didn't precisely mirror what Nancy said. You

let your own movie get in the way.

My movie? Your movie is your version of the event.

Now, visualize placing your movie in a box and put it on a shelf.

You'll have a chance to tell your story when you're the sender. Your job as the

receiver is to create a safe... An empty container.

I'm Tupperware.

Curtis and Desmond are breaking up?

Can't discuss my clients with you. Do you want to know how I figured it out?

At the radio station during a commercial break, I heard the two of them arguing

about their comedy routines, and then Curtis said something about...

Taking it with him, that alone made me suspicious. But then, then, when I was

your office, I saw this big notebook filled with all their routines.

What are you doing in my office?

Looking for you.

I don't want you in my office going through stuff.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I'm going to write an article about the breakup.

You can't do that.

I can't do that? Did you say I can't do that? You can't do that. Listen, Carol,

I'm making real progress in getting these two guys back together. You write

article, all the progress goes right out the window.

So what? I'm supposed to forget about my career to make your job a little bit

easier? Career. Career.

Journalism's your career now? It's a hobby. All right?

This isn't Watergate. You're not Bob Woodward.

Ouch.

That hurt.

You proud of yourself?

A little.

What are you doing?

I'm going to shorten my gait.

Therapy Nancy said I walked too far ahead of her. It makes her feel

So now you're going to walk like a crazy man. That's going to make her feel

embarrassed. Thank you.

Wait a minute.

She wrote it? She wrote it.

By Carol Phyllis Bessie.

This is all I needed.

You know her middle name was Phyllis?

Thanks for calling. Larry from Jaspertown. You're on the air.

I heard you guys are splitting up. Focus, right?

Actually, we're not commenting on that right now. Thanks.

And that's the sound of our call screener being fired.

You guys can't quit. My kid loves Sherlock Holmes, boy.

Well, don't worry about that. I mean, no matter what, I'm still going to be,

like, doing H to the Hizzizzoned of the Bizzaskavilles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell you what, you'll Dizzoo it when you buy it from me.

You know what? Just because you think you have a knack for making puns out of

people's names, which, by the way, anyone can do. Bull. Donald Rumsfeld.

What? Make a pun out of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

Stupid. Donald Rum and Cokesfeld. Check and mate.

Well, that's wonderful. You know what? And I'm glad you actually did that,

because then you show the audience why my back is breaking from carrying this

friggin' show all by myself. Oh, so you think you can do this on your own, then?

I do it every day. Well, then this shouldn't be a problem for you at all.

Curtis, hey, Curtis, wait.

Where'd he go?

Calm down, deep breath. Calm down?

What do you mean, calm down?

This is all your fault.

How's that? If you didn't leak the story to your little friend, everything would

be fine.

What?

Blondie shows up at the bowling alley just as we're walking out.

What a coincidence.

Nice setup, Counselor. You think I leaked the story? What, did she promise

out with you or something?

You're our lawyer, Ed.

You're supposed to protect us.

That's exactly what I've been trying to do.

Yeah, well, you didn't try hard enough.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Are you aware of the impact your ridiculous little article had? And a

afternoon. Are you aware that because of your article, I lost my client's

reputation and... Ed, please.

And, and, and, because of your ridiculous little self -serving article,

and Desmond, the most popular radio team in Stuckyville, can no longer be found

on the dial. They're probably split up for good.

Right. Right, because there was such a love fest going on between the two of

them before my article came out. I'm in hell right now because of you.

Ed, I am sorry to have caused you so much trouble. Really, I am, but I didn't

have a choice.

Write it.

Don't write it. Sounds like a choice to me.

But I thought our relationship meant more than that.

Relationship? Yeah, Carol, our relationship.

You have been treating me like a complete stranger for the past week, and

suddenly you come in here and you expect me to act like we're best friends?

Here, come on.

It's five past the hour here at PWL, people. I'll be with you all afternoon

into the night. Coming up, we got Mila and Kika from the Rainbow Cabaret

dropping by to show us a little something, something. Well, well, look

dropped by the zoo. It's Desmond, formerly of Curtis and Desmond in the

Desmond, take a load off what brings you to our humble studio.

Hi, I'm looking for Ed.

I'm looking for Ed. Is he here?

Word on the street is you need a new on -air playmate. Is that true? Don't be

shy.

Where's Ed?

Well, that sounds like a yes to me, America.

What are you doing? I'm showing you my stuff. Give me a little taste of the

product. So now you're a DJ, then?

On air personality.

Hey, check this out.

Okay, let's go to Steve on Lane 6. Steve, what's on your mind?

I wanted to pay and get my shoes back.

That's what she said.

Eight bucks.

Woo! Glad he's gone. I can feel our Arbitron numbers sag with every word out

his mouth. Now, let's talk about Desmond and Phil.

I'm Phil.

I'm going to go look for Ed.

Desmond Payton, America!

Desmond Payton!

Hey.

You busy?

No. Come on in.

I'd like to apologize for some of the accusations that were made at the radio

station.

Forget it. That was a crazy situation.

Yeah. Things are getting out of hand.

I mean, sure, we've had our problems now and then, you know.

But things, I thought, were going good.

Have you talked to Curtis since... Hell no.

No way.

If anyone's going to say anything, he knows where I'm at.

And if he doesn't find you?

I mean, do you really care that much about who owns Sherlock Holmes, boy?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's mine. Yeah.

Definitely mine. Yeah.

Elizabeth Metairie, my dear Wes Watson.

That's good.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Okay, today we're going to try things the other way around.

Let's switch roles. Mike, you be the sender. Oh, okay.

Nance, whenever we're in the car about to go somewhere,

You always run back into the house to make sure the stove's turned off, and it

makes me feel frustrated.

What I hear you saying is whenever we're in the car about to go somewhere, I

always run back into the house to check and make sure the stove's turned off,

and that makes you feel frustrated.

Good, Nancy. Excellent job creating a safe space for Mike's concern.

I can't believe that's what bothers you.

I'm stupid.

Nancy, you're slipping into sender role. You're still the receiver. I mean,

would you rather the house burn down or... The house isn't going to burn

You always check the stove before we leave. You don't need to double check it

once we're in the car as a compulsion. Okay, I usually check it before we

but one time I won't, and everything will just go up in flames. Let me get

happy, Mike. You know what? I think this is the perfect time to introduce the

safe word.

When things get heated or out of control, one of you will say the safe

let the other one know they've gone too far.

Can the safe word be obsessive -compulsive?

That's two words.

I like guys. Yeah, never a doubt in my mind. And I like friends.

Too much to ask to have someone in your life who is both a guy and a friend.

Hello, Harry.

Meet Sally.

There's no excuse for Ed's behavior.

You're joking, right?

After all we have been through, you would think that our friendship would

something to him. After all you've been through, you'd think that he'd have

moved to another state.

What?

Carol, do you realize how difficult this must be for Ed knowing that you're

marrying someone else? Look, I'm sure it's not a picnic, but we're all adults.

If you care enough about the person, you get over it.

And you work on preserving the friendship.

If you care enough about the person, you may never get over it.

Hey.

I just stopped by. I wanted to say goodbye before I left.

Where are you headed?

Arizona. To the JoJo and MegaHead show.

I'm JoJo.

Could be worse.

Could be MegaHead.

Listen, Curtis, are you sure this is the best thing? Are you absolutely sure

this is what you want to do?

When do you leave?

A couple days.

Could you at least talk to Desmond before then?

No. No.

Have you thought of a safe word yet?

How about the?

The what?

Just the.

Well, I might be serious.

All right.

Combination.

Combination? I have to say a word.

Are you trying to antagonize me?

I know this might sound strange to you, but I was just having a little fun.

When you said that our safe word should be combination, it made me feel really

ticked off.

Oh, no.

Mirror me.

Nancy, I'm going to bed.

Repeat that you heard me say I feel really ticked off, Mike.

How about chamomile as a safe word? That sounds comforting.

I said I feel really ticked off, Mike. Repeat that you heard me say I feel

ticked off. Chamomile, chamomile, chamomile.

You're not supposed to be in your own movie.

Hi. You're up late.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep.

Why? I feel really bad about writing that article.

I wouldn't let it keep you up.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Really? Yeah.

Okay.

That was just too damn easy. I'm trying not to be too damn difficult.

Is this the way it's going to be between the two of us?

How is it between the two of us? Cold.

Emotionless. Sterile.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're talking to me like I'm a stranger. We used to talk about stuff.

We talk about stuff.

No, not stuff, stuff.

Stuff.

Stuff.

It's late, Carol. I got a lot of stuff.

What's the safe word? I have no idea. Tell me again. Tell me again. Why are

guys seeing a marriage counselor? I have no idea. You should give a number to

Curtis and Desmond.

Curtis and Desmond don't need a therapist.

He needs a kick in the ass.

They're really going to split up, huh? They would just talk. If they simply

talked to one another, they'd realize how stupid this whole thing is. You know

what? What?

They might have the solution to your problem. There's something called the

parent trap. Parent trap?

Mm -hmm. When they're split up at birth, parents get divorced. They each take

one of them. Then twins reunite and then concoct a scheme to get their parents

back together. Yeah.

Well, I need a scheme to get them back together. But, you know, they're DJs.

They're always doing things. Events.

Car dealership promos. Mall opening.

Events, anyway. Like, get them to Stucky Bowl for an event.

Like what?

Some kind of bogus grand reopening.

And I get them both here, but they don't know the other one's here. And they

both start doing bits. And then they realize how much they miss the other.

I've seen the movie. I think we're onto something here. Yeah.

So, did you agree on a safe word?

Choose chamomile.

We can agree.

Don't worry. It's a common stumbling block.

Mike, you be the sender. Tell Nancy how you feel.

Nancy, this whole therapy language thing feels so forced to me. I don't care

what the safe word is. I'm happy with whatever you choose. Mike, you're the

sender. Use proper form.

I can't communicate this way either.

I really don't mind when you double -check the stove. She just put me on the

spot, and I couldn't think of anything else to say. Excuse me. You know what's

really funny?

I don't mind if you walk ahead of me.

You don't? It's better when you do that weird shuffle thing you've been doing

lately. Mike, Nancy, you're straying from the framework.

Focus. We don't need to be here, Nancy.

I know.

Let's go.

Don't you care about your marriage?

This is the work that will heal and repair you.

I advise you not to walk away.

Sorry, Doc. We're going to walk you out of here.

I'm probably going to walk a few steps ahead of my wife.

Is that all right with you, Nancy?

Yeah.

Hey, Desmond.

How are you? Nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. Really appreciate it. Hey, no problem.

I didn't even know you guys closed.

I know. I mean, it's weird. A lot of people have been saying that.

Mike.

You know what?

I really think this is going to work.

You know what? Is it working the parent track? That's part of it, fellas,

because I think I've thought of everything. Go on, quiz me. Okay, we're

taking Desmond. Go sing Desmond in my office so he does not know what's going

on. Good. Where's Curtis?

You know the part of your show where you humiliate women by having them wrestle

in chocolate pudding and the victor gets two movie tickets?

Vaguely.

Well done, Fanny.

Thank you.

Hey, hi, Blondie. How are you, Rhett? Good to see you. Hey, be careful with

those things.

How you doing?

Nice to see you. Hey, let's have fun out there.

Okay. How much time do you want me to do? No, no time. No time, Phil. Don't do

any time. You just get Curtis and Desmond on stage like we rehearsed. So

15 minutes? Zero. Zero time, Phil.

Okay, you know what? I'm just going to take the temperature of the room, see

which way the wind's blowing. No, no time. Don't do any time. He's going to

time.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the grand reopening of Stucky Bowl. Hey,

give yourselves a round of applause just for being here.

hard to close tonight.

And let's give this guy a round of applause just for being here.

Hey, you guys in the mood for some comedy tonight?

Is that 15 minutes?

It just felt like it.

Check it out, man. It's going to work.

Amy Mills couldn't have done better herself.

This is an unpleasant surprise. Thank you, Ed.

Yes, thank you. Appreciate it.

Do English Dave.

Do Sastronaut Sally.

I'm afraid if you want to hear Sastronaut Sally, you're going to have

to my new show. It's me without the dead weight over here.

You wonder why I dumped his lame ass, huh?

Oh, you dumped me? Well, that's funnier than Sastronaut Sally ever was.

You want to see dumped? You want to see dumped?

Okay? How about this?

On second thought, he most probably could have done a little better.

I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Guys, hang on a second. I just want to talk to you.

What? You lied to us. Big time.

Grand reopen. I can't believe we fell for that. I know. I know. I...

I was just trying to show you guys how much you mean to everybody, including

each other. Look at you guys. You're throwing away everything.

Your jobs, your friendship, your career, and for what?

We're talking about a 20 -year friendship here. 20 years.

That's an entire... score.

Just think about it.

You guys are good together.

It's going to be weird not hearing those other lunatics anymore.

Yeah. I guess it's too bad they let their foolish pride get in the way of

friendship. Yeah.

I say, I guess they let their foolish pride get in the way of their

Yeah.

Hello? Hello, anybody home?

I am being incredibly clever over here.

What are you going about? All right, I'll take the direct route. Ed, you know

when you have a really good friend who's behaving like an ass and it's your duty

to tell him? Yeah.

Yeah. Ed, you're behaving like an ass.

What, you're going to blame me for Curtis and Desmond breaking up?

Oh, my God.

Is your brain made out of linoleum all of a sudden? No. I am not talking about

Curtis and Desmond. I am talking about Carol Bessie.

Ed, good friends.

I mean, really good ones.

They are real easy to come by in this world.

I mean, most people, if they're lucky, get one or two in their lifetime.

You and Carol have always been there for each other.

And Dennis or no Dennis, marriage or no marriage, you would be crazy to let that

slip away.

Me? I've been treating her with the utmost... Ed, you would be crazy to let

slip away.

No.

No what?

You asked me if this was it.

If this is how I want our relationship to be.

I'm saying no.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right. Okay, come on. Careful. You start hugging Edward J. Stevens too long

before you know it, your feelings for Dennis might start getting all jumbled

there. Oh, is that right? That's right. That's why I brought you the white

roses. I walk in here with red roses before you know it, you're throwing

yourself at me.

I think I'm doing that anyway.

All right.

Come on. Settle down. Now, settle down. Students will be here any second. Or

worse, Dennis will walk in and start trying to stab me with a number two

Wait a minute. What about Watergate?

Watergate. Yeah.

And the thing you said about me being no Bob Woodward?

Well, all right.

No. What I meant was...

You're better than me.

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