Original subtitles

Some guy just came by and asked for my autograph.

What? Yeah, he said you look like a young James Caan. He told me his wife

me in rollerball.

Loved you in rollerball? Yeah.

He thinks you're James Caan. Yeah.

If you were James Conn, why would you look like a young James Conn? Wouldn't

just look like the actual James Conn? You're overthinking it. It would have to

be a napkin.

So, hey, Mike, you and Nancy going to the big welcome home carol party? Oh,

mean the big welcome back carol and Dennis party? Mike, Mike, Mike, you've

known the fair sex as well as I have. Okay, carol and Dennis, we're on our

legs. Unless they're engaged or not engaged.

She went on the trip, didn't she? Yeah, she went on the trip. Of course she went

on the trip. She had to go. She was committed, okay? But don't you think if

Carol had gotten engaged over the summer, she would have called? I don't

Maybe she's waiting until she gets back so she can break the news to everybody

in person. I was there that night, okay, Mike?

That was a movie kiss.

A movie kiss, my friend.

I was hungry, bogart, and Cary Grant rolled into one.

Like Don Muts and a duck rolled up into one. All I'm saying is after a kiss like

that from Edward J. Stevens, there's no way that Carol Bessie or any other woman

for that matter is going to accept a proposal in marriage from another man.

right, I guess we'll find out tomorrow night. I guess we will. I guess so.

Keep it up, you sweet bastard.

What's going on?

Penny's just three strikes away from bowling the perfect game.

Wow.

A chance to witness perfection.

Last time I did that, I was doing shirtless sit -ups in the mirror.

You know how some people have a six -pack?

I got a 14 -pack.

Hey, Mike. Hey, Molly.

Hey, Mike. Listen, I need you to bring this cake to Carol's party. Did you guys

make signs?

Yeah, they'll be ready. I think she's coming back late tonight. When I firm up

the plans, I will call you.

I'm going to go reserve the back corner of the goat.

Hey, Mike.

Yeah. Don't you think it's kind of weird that Carol never called anyone the

other time?

Not really. She said that they were going to be out camping and stuff. They

wouldn't be in touch.

Weird, isn't it?

Not as weird as you.

I've got to go.

Make Daddy proud.

What's going on?

Come on, Daddy.

I'm done.

Kenny, what are you doing? Just one more strike, you get a perfect game.

Yeah, I'd prefer to just let it hang there.

Want another thing, Ed? Yeah. I quit.

What?

I'm in the sky tonight There I can

keep

bills. Sarah, you got any cash on you? How are you?

How are you today, huh?

Nancy, you seen the mail in there?

Yes, in fact, we're drowning in it. What's the problem? Too much junk mail?

mail? No. The problem is a little something that starts with a B, ends

S, and has an L in the middle. But, but, will you say that again?

Bills, Michael.

Bills. Why didn't you do the whole B and the S and the L thing? And it's not

just the normal stuff. You know, cable, electric, mortgage, it's your new

practice. Office painting, contagious waste removal.

Um, stationery?

It's faster and easier just to say bills. Mike, look at this. New

Mike, do you really need a new smegmonometer right now? I mean,

just make do with the old smegmonometer?

What's a smegmonometer?

I have no idea, and that is my point exactly.

Well, honey, we'll be fine. New medical practices just take a little time,

that's all.

And what do those black envelopes keep getting?

I don't know, just junk mail, something.

Mike, we pay for HBO and you pay for... you nutty professor to the clump what do

you call that 399 and watch eddie murphy in a fat suit for two hours they call

it a bargain i'm not getting this i don't why why does nearly ball

in the perfect game make you need to quit i told you i've accomplished all i

here it's time to move on come on man throw the last frame i gotta see what

happens i don't want to miss

Look, I've never been very good at goodbyes, so I'll just say what my great

-grandfather used to say.

I'll see you when I see you, unless I see you when I see you.

He was completely seen out.

I...

I never liked that son of a bitch.

I use humor to hide my pain.

Ed.

Carol, hey. There you are. I wasn't expecting you back. Can I talk to you in

your office?

You seem a little... Now.

Okay.

My man Bosco is about to get a good old -fashioned ass, Joey.

Welcome home.

What the hell was that?

What? What the hell was what?

30 seconds before I'm about to go on vacation with Dennis, you kissed me.

That was too much. You've been upset like this the whole time? Yes, I've been

upset like this the whole time. I was upset at the St. Louis Arch. I was upset

in the Rockies. I was upset in Graceland, the Grand Canyon, the Golden

Bridge. Oh, that's funny. You didn't seem too upset when it happened. That's

great. Classic Ed Stevens smirk. That's just what we need right now.

Gal, come on. What's your problem? What's my problem? My problem?

My problem is that you knew Dennis was going to propose to me.

Yeah, that's right. He told me that you knew he bought me a ring. So what was

with the kiss? You just thought you'd throw a monkey wrench into my life for

fun? Did Dennis propose to you? Yes, he did.

In the Painted Desert, if you must know. Did you say yes?

That's what I'm talking about.

Did you say yes?

See, you say that you're my friend.

You say that you want me to be happy, but you don't care if I'm happy. It's a

crock. Did you say yes?

No.

I didn't say yes, okay?

But it didn't have anything to do with your juvenile little kissing scent.

No, of course not.

You are such a pompous ass, you know that?

Hey, Carol.

Did you tell Dennis I kissed you that night?

I didn't think so.

Woo -hoo -hoo!

Three straight games. Did you enjoy your visit to Ed's house of pain?

Hey, I want to show you something. I got this in the mail.

Sean Blue Jays will beat the Baltimore Orioles Wednesday.

Next day, Blue Jays beat the Orioles 6 -2.

I'm going to get this one.

Boston Red Sox will beat the New York Yankees Thursday.

Next day, Red Sox 13, Yankees 2.

What are these? Who sent these? I have no idea. Here, look at these.

Giants beat the Dodgers Friday. Braves beat the Cubs Saturday.

A's beat the Mariners on Tuesday. Every single one of them came true.

Really? Yeah. So then I'm going to get this one.

For my next pick, send $250 to PO Box 452. You didn't. I did, and here it is.

The Cincinnati Reds will beat the Colorado Rockies Sunday night.

So what are you going to do?

Still gave me the name of a bookie, some guy Johnny Lagozo.

A bookie? Ah, Mike, that doesn't seem wise.

Things are tight right now, and this guy picked five in a row.

Open, close them, open, close them, put them in your lap.

And open, close them, open, close them. Now give them a clap.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Sorry. I'm looking for Mr. Lugoso. I'm Johnny Lugoso.

Skyler, don't do that. Skyler, use your words.

Are you the guy?

Huh? I'm Johnny Lugoso.

Jacob, you're in Jeremiah's space.

I was looking to make a proposition.

A very sporting.

Proposition? Skyler, do you need a timeout?

Can I help you with something?

I got your name from Phil's tub.

What's your poison?

Football, hoops, pucks, ponies.

I'd like to place a wager on tonight's Cincinnati Reds -Colorado Rockies game.

You're a friend of Phil's?

Yeah.

I'd like the reds, please.

$3 ,000, please. Three dimes on the big red machine.

I'm impressed.

What's your name?

Um... Michel.

Michel Francois.

I'm French,

so... Uh -huh.

We settle on Tuesday.

If you don't settle on Tuesday...

You'll settle on Tuesday, right?

Oui.

Here's the throw and the play at the plate.

The Reds score again, man.

This is too heavy.

This is like stealing money.

There she is. There she is.

No,

Dennis. Carol.

You're a good liar, Molly. Maybe a little too. Good.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? I missed you guys.

So.

Ed. I was just getting the pictures developed.

Whoa. You knew about this? Yeah, Molly and I were in cahoots.

Molly.

Ed. Dennis.

Where is that?

The dunes in Oregon. Come on, that was a strike.

That is so amazing. I didn't even know that place existed.

Big, giant dunes. Dunes are caused by the wind always blowing in the same

direction.

I asked you this once.

What a great trip, you guys.

Yeah, although it seems you didn't go a lot off the beaten fast spots, did you?

But you certainly covered a lot of ground.

No!

What happened?

Todd Zeal just hit a grand slam.

Who the hell is Todd Zeal? Some guy in the Rockets. I can't believe this. Well,

honey, I never knew you were so interested in baseball. What is that

Of course I dance. It's a national pastime, for God's sake. I hadn't seen

one before. We look pretty ridiculous.

Look at that.

Really? No, no.

You don't want to see that one.

Oh, Dad.

You look good. You

bet $3

,000 on a baseball game? Have you lost your mind?

I'm sorry. I thought it was a sure thing. The only sure thing is that

idiot. Come on. You're always so understanding about stuff.

It's not yelling in front of Sarah.

Oh, yeah. Nice try. Where are you going? Where are you going? Don't you walk

away from me. Don't you walk away from me. Do you think I'm done? I am not

I am going to yell at you for two hours. And then when I am done, I'm going to

yell at you for two more hours in Spanish.

$3 ,000.

$3 ,000. I'm a dope.

The thing I don't get is the letters.

Five winners in a row. How did whoever did that do that?

I'm not a dope. I'm a supersized dope. You have no idea who sent you those

letters. Nope.

Nope. Dope says nope.

Probably some kind of scam or something.

Still, five winners in a row.

It's amazing.

It really is. How did the guy pick five winners in a row?

I got an idea.

What?

Let's find the guy.

How? You still have the P .O. box where you sent the money for the last pick?

Yeah. All right, well, here's what we do.

We get a big red box, a gift wrap, right?

Take it down to the post office. We leave it for the guy. We don't have to

his name. We just address it to his P .O. box. Yeah.

And then when some guy comes out... The post office carrying a big red box.

We'll have our guy. Oh, you did not just think of that.

Yeah, I did. Now, come on, no way. Yeah, I did. I'm very clever that way. That's

genius. I read it in a book.

Yeah, I thought so.

Hello, gentlemen.

My name is Phil Stubbs, and I will be interviewing you for our opening here at

Stucky Balls.

Okay, first up, is there a Mr.

Eli Cartwright Coggins III? I need to know two things and two things only. Who

does the hiring and who does the firing?

If you could wait over here, I'll be with you shortly.

Come on, killer. You ain't the man in charge. I love you, baby, but I can see

right through you. You're strictly mid -level. I can see it in your posture.

stand like your spine is made out of pudding. Now, where's the man?

Where's Mr. Stucky Boy?

Stucky Boy!

Stucky Boy!

Hey. Excuse me. I'm Ed Stevens. I own Stucky Boy. Can I help you? Name is Eli

Cartwright Coggins III.

I'm a new Bowling Alley employee.

Well, we're actually in the middle of an interview. Is that so? You think these

mouth breezes over here can stand up to Eli Cartwright Coggins III?

Please, y 'all dudes can go on home. The game is over.

New sheriff has rolled up in town.

Come on, man.

I'm here to help you. I've been working in bowling alleys my whole life. Look at

this, man. This is a total embarrassment to the bowling alley business.

So I'm embarrassed to be here.

Look at me, dude. If I was white, I'd be red in the face right now. I totally

would. Ed, we got a loony tune here. Wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong with the place? What's wrong with the place?

What do you think is wrong with the place?

Everything. Everything is wrong with this place, man. Look, look at this. You

got kids bowling next to adults.

That's wrong right there. They should be in the last four lanes.

Away from everybody. So when the man come in, he know he about to put his

moves on the women. He don't have to worry about them runny nose kids

nachos on him when he trying to get his fur born. You feel me?

Yeah. What a brother got to do to get a rent. Dude, come on, man. Come on, man.

Get up there. What you think? You touch my wheelchair, you gonna get paralyzed?

Dude, what are you doing? Just come on. Push.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.

How do y 'all have these shoes set up in here, man?

Low sizes are on the left, going up to the high sizes on the right.

That's wrong, dude. You know the most popular men's sizes are 9 1⁄2. The most

popular women's size is an 8. You want those front and center. The least

size is a 4, 4 1⁄2. You want those like your goalposts. You want them outside,

way outside, dude. Then you got 5 on the right, 5 1⁄2 on the left, 6 on the

right, 6 1⁄2 on the left. Then you got your 8 to 10 1⁄2 front and center for

easy access.

Oh, man.

Ed, you're not actually going to listen to this, are you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come here. Hold up, mama. Don't run away. Hey, don't

snap away, little buddy. Eli won't bite. I might never, but I won't bite. Come

here. Where you going?

Oh, oh, wait a minute. Would you look at this snack bar?

Dude, I could see everything wrong with this. By the time I finish listening to

them all, you'd be so old your damn teeth would have been to fell out your

Wait, where you going? I can't do this, dude.

No, I can't work here.

That's like getting Joe Torre to coach the badass best.

You'd be better off getting an engineer from NASA to come in and turn this place

around. I can't believe you're still in business. I truly can't.

It's the bad news bears.

It's the bad ass bear.

Another great thing about living in Suckyville is that when you want to get

pizza, there's no arguing about where to go.

There's one place, Larry's Pizza. That's it.

And the downside is the pizza kind of stuff.

Donut, I have to tell you something. I don't want you to get mad because it

didn't mean anything, okay? What is it?

Well, remember the night we went on our trip and right before you left?

And came over.

And Ed was at the house? Yeah.

Well, right before you walked in, um... Ed kissed me.

Really? Yeah.

And it just came out of nowhere.

It happened really fast. And I should have told you. I'm sorry, but... I don't

know why I should have told you. So what, he kissed you and you pushed him

right?

Not exactly, no.

Uh -huh.

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It was emotional, and we were saying goodbye.

It was just sort of... All right, I get it. It's okay.

Really?

Oh, thank God.

Thank God. I'm so sorry.

One of those stupid, stupid things.

Why are you telling me this now?

Carol.

Because we're here, and Ed's around, and I thought you had a right to know.

All right.

All right.

I think

a big red box would have been fine.

Oh, trust me, this is better. It'll be easier to spot.

They accepted it?

Yeah, they put him back and put a note in his box to pick it up.

Mike.

Ten bucks.

I'm not in the mood. Ten bucks if you ask that guy over there for directions

the Montclair Hotel.

You're not serious.

Yes, I am. A timeless classic.

Last time we did this, we were 17.

Ten bucks.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you tell us how to get to the Montclair Hotel?

The Montclair Hotel. At this fork here, you're going to want to take a left.

You're going to go down two lights until you get to Pathaic Avenue.

What? Take another left onto St.

Alex Avenue.

And then at your first light, you're going to make a right onto Bloomfield

Avenue.

Bloomfield Avenue. And then it's straight ahead.

Five miles.

Thank you.

I'm only down 2 ,990.

Hey, Mike.

All right.

Let's do this.

Let's do this? Hey, you were the rat! Freeze!

I'm right behind you, Starsky. Whoa, whoa. Hey!

Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on!

What? What? I don't know you guys. What do you want with me? Well, you sent me

black envelopes with baseball predictions in them.

Black envelopes and baseball predictions?

What are you guys, been having an afternoon pina colada festival?

Hey, buddy, we can do this the hard way, we can do this the easy way.

Come on, you said no, let's do this and freeze.

Hey, I lost $3 ,000 because of you. I want to know what this is about.

Hey, don't let me kick your ass in front of all your friends. Buddy, listen to

me. I'm a lawyer. Now you start talking, I'm going to sue you for so many

things, you're going to run out of paper and pens down at the courthouse.

Now! Well, you want me to start talking now, Dr. Burton?

You know who I am?

Yeah, I know who you are.

And I suggest you let me go. Otherwise, I want to tell all the people in this

nice little hamlet of Stuckyville how their beloved Dr.

Burton is an inveterate gambler.

Hey, by the way, this is a really great raft.

Have you guys ever rafted up at the Upper Yak up in West Virginia? It's a

5 Rapids. Very good. You ought to try it out. Adios.

Jack Carmichael!

Why, what?

We've been tailing you for two weeks. You're under arrest for fraud.

This is most unfortunate. Who are you two?

Oh, my friend here got involved. Just passing by. Just passing by. Come on,

let's go.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's going with me.

Him? Why?

He's my lawyer.

What?

You get me off, I keep my mouth shut. You don't, I turn into Chatty Cat.

Get my drift up.

You his lawyer?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

That was a lovely piece of work out there.

I mean, you got me out of that holding cell so fast, I didn't have time to

finish my complimentary cup of Sunny Delight. Hello, hello, hello.

Do you know if they serve Sunny D in jail?

It flows like sweet ambrosia.

I'm Jack.

Shirley. Very, very nice to meet you, Shirley. Jack, Jack, have a seat.

Yeah. Look, I need you to tell me how you picked the winners of all those

The winners?

Let's see. Well...

Ed, I am in constant communication with the souls of the deceased.

In fact, the last few pics I got directly from the late DeForest Kelly.

It's very amusing. Look, I can't defend you if I don't know what you did.

Okay.

All right, first of all, I send a letter to 100 people.

50 people you tell them to bet on the Orioles. 50 people you tell them to bet

the Blue Jays.

Okay, so say the Orioles win.

Now you got 50 people who think you are right.

What about the 50 people who think you're wrong?

Forget them.

You take those 50 people who think you're right, and you tell half of them

bet on the Red Sox, half of them to bet on the Yankees. So now I got 25 people

who think I'm two for two.

And then I send out a third letter.

You send out a third letter and you keep whittling down the group until you've

got a handful of people who think you predicted five in a row. That's right.

And then there's a few poor souls who will pay lots of money to get my sixth

prediction.

That's incredible. That's brilliant. That's truly brilliant. So you must be

one of those, what do they call them, grifters.

I didn't know you guys actually existed. Wait a minute, are you grifting me

right now? No, Ed, I'm not a grifter. I'm a psychologist.

What? Dr. Jack Carmichael at your service.

What's a psychologist doing running a baseball scam?

Well, Ed, I've been studying human nature for 35 years. I thought it was

time I put my knowledge to use.

Size seven.

There you go.

Did you just give him a full pencil?

Yes, Eli, I did.

Well, where's the tiny pencils at?

What? You know, the tiny scorekeeper pencils?

We ran out.

We ran out. Yes.

Well, my good Mr. Butt.

Stubb. My good Mr. Stubb.

People come to Stucky Bowl for the full bowling experience.

A crucial part of the full bowling experience is the pencil.

Not a big pencil, not a medium pencil, but the tiny, tiny, tiny -ass

pencil. Pull her out. This is all we have.

We'll bust her some bitches in half.

Oh, Shirley.

Hey, whoa, Shirley. Shirley, uh -uh. No, no, no, no, no, no, Shirley.

Uh -uh, wait. Well, no ketchup on the principle.

Put the ketchup down.

Put the ketchup down. Good, good. That's my Shirley.

That's my Shirley.

That's my Shirley.

Hey, Shirley.

Hi. Hey, Eli. I thought you didn't want to work here. I don't. But you people

need me. I mean, you need me bad.

Bosco. Hey, Phil.

Bosco, it's time you and I had a little head -on pet about our sedentary friend

over there.

I'm going to hire him.

Please don't toy with me. I'm going to hire him, Phil. I really think this guy

could help us.

Well, as manager of Stucky Bowl, I'm afraid I have... I am still the manager.

Of course you're still the manager, Phil. I'm just thinking of making you

supervising manager.

I take it that's one rung below manager?

Is this because I'm Jewish?

You're not Jewish, Phil.

I am so hungry, I could eat a live badger. Let's stop for breakfast. No,

we're late for court.

No, we got a half hour. Don't be such a tight ass.

I'm not a tight ass. Sure you are. That thing's screwed on tighter than a

childproof cap. Come on. Don't argue with 35 years of psychological

You don't know me at all.

Pick a number from one to four.

What? Pick a number from one to four. You got it? Yeah. Three.

How'd you know?

Pick a number from one to 100.

Any two digits, the first digit's got to be even, the second digit and the first

digit have to be different.

You got it? Yeah. 67.

How'd you do that?

Everybody picks those numbers. Well, most people pick those numbers. The

mind is very predictable.

We all think that we're so complicated, but we're actually as simple as

pussycats.

Prisoners of our own nature.

Ed.

Joe. Hey.

Just the man I was looking for.

Really?

Excuse us for a second.

So what's going on? Well, I told Dennis about our little kiss.

You did? Yes. On everything. And he was totally understanding.

And guess what? We're still together. So how does that fit in with your little

vision of reality?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

So, how long have you been after her? A year, two years, what?

You think she's the girl for you, but you haven't been able to close the deal

yet.

Who's this Dennis guy?

Swaggering bad boy type.

Older guy, maybe?

Give it up, Ed.

Give up the chase. It ain't gonna happen.

How do you know?

Let's go.

Fly dog.

Hey, Molly.

You fly, fly dog.

Please elaborate, and not by adding a third fly.

You kissed her the night before she's going away from Summer, and you kissed

her. Yeah.

How come you didn't tell me?

Think I should have told you? Yeah. Why? Because I like to know stuff.

This is he.

Oh, I... Are you serious?

No, no, no. Yeah, I'll be there.

Okay.

Who was that?

It was Eunice.

Dennis's secretary?

Dennis wants to meet me at the pond at midnight.

Midnight? Why?

No idea.

Hi, Ed.

Hey, Dennis. What's going on? Pick one.

What are those?

Cricket bats.

Cricket bats. Come on, get a quick one.

Okay.

Okay, now, on the count of three, you and I are going to start pounding the

out of each other with these cricket bats.

The last one standing wins.

What? What?

On the count of three, you and I are going to start pounding the crap...

wait, wait. Wins what?

Carol. What do you mean, wins Carol? One.

Dennis, hold on. Two. Yeah, wait. Hold on. Hold on. What are you...

You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking. You got a problem with

Yeah, Dennis, I have a problem with this. Well, you don't seem to have a

sneaking around behind my back, kissing my girlfriend.

Okay, look, wait a second.

Dennis, you love the big, stupid, theatrical gesture, right? A midnight

right up your alley. Come on. I'm not going to fight you, Dennis.

No, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life fending off your manipulative,

cheap -shot puppy -dog moves. So, come on, we'll get this over with.

You beat me, you get Carol.

Well, there's just one problem with that, Dennis.

Carol isn't yours to give.

Or maybe you've forgotten what she said when you proposed.

Mr. Carmichael, are you a professional scam artist?

Oh, no, sir. I'm a professional psychologist.

Behavioral science is my specialty.

It's a baseball -picking thing. You ever done anything like that before?

No, never.

Well, then.

I'm sure many of us are wondering why a successful law -abiding psychologist

would do something so dishonest.

Well, you may not like what I did, Mr. Stevens, but it's not dishonest. No?

Why not?

Because I never made any false claims.

All I did was send out letters with predictions. I never said that I had any

special information, and I never promised that the predictions would come

But surely you must have anticipated that the people getting these letters

be fooled into believing you could actually pick winning teams.

Yeah, well, if they were, it's their fault.

You can't blame me for their irrationality.

Did I take advantage of human nature? Yes.

But there's no law against that. No.

There's no law.

It's funny. Just last night, I saw a television commercial for a psychic

charging money for predictions about the future.

You know, I really can't see a difference. Can you?

No. Nope.

Nothing further.

Mr. Walzer.

Mr. Carmichael, do you honestly believe that the fact that you're a psychologist

entitles you to scam dozens of people out of thousands of dollars?

Objection. Overruled. Answer the question.

Uh, no, but... Were you aware that television psychics protect themselves

against lawsuits by clearly stating that their predictions are for entertainment

purposes only?

No, I wasn't aware of that.

Can you look at me with a straight face and claim that what you did was not

morally disgusting?

Well, it may or may not have been, but it wasn't illegal.

That's for this jury to decide, Mr. Carmichael.

And I doubt this jury will look kindly on someone who defrauds innocent people

out of their hard -earned money.

Objection. Withdrawn.

Nothing further, Your Honor.

Hey, Miss Bessie.

Warren, hi.

Hey, how's your summer?

Um, okay.

How was yours?

Yeah, pretty cool.

I learned how to touch type.

A -S -D -F -J -K -L -S -M -I.

Yeah.

Something wrong?

No, no.

Something's wrong.

Come on, something's wrong. Tell Uncle Warren.

Warren, keep two slow gin fizzes, please.

Warren, that's not appropriate. It's fine.

Excuse us. Not a story of the woman of soothing cocktails. Warren.

Okay, jeez. I don't need to get your bowels in an uproar.

I'll see you later.

Carol, we need to talk.

Ed, do you think we could possibly put this behind us and just move on? No,

is not about you and me. This is about you and Dennis. I want you to tell me

once and for all, what the hell are you doing with that guy?

Excuse me? Do you really believe that Dennis Martino loves you?

Yes. Carol, he's an angry, nasty drunk.

He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

You don't even know him. I know Dennis Martino. I had a full dose of Dennis

Martino. I do not like the way he treats you. Now, you look me in the eye, and

you tell me you honestly believe that Dennis Martino loves you.

I've just spent the last two months in cars and tents and hotel rooms with

Dennis Martino, and it was the best two months of my life.

So, if he doesn't love me, he's doing a damn good job faking it.

What's the matter?

Nothing. You want to watch something else?

No.

You want to watch those things where those morons decorate each other's

No, this is fine.

What's going on?

Nothing, Dennis.

Is this about Ed?

What did he do this time?

We just... Got in a stupid fight at all. It doesn't matter.

Apparently it does.

No, Dennis, it doesn't.

Good luck. Thanks for coming.

Mr. Walzer, your closing argument?

Ladies and gentlemen, I will keep this brief because Mr. Carmichael's deeds

speak for themselves.

The man is a crook.

He is a scam artist.

He methodically sat down and figured out a way to cheat people out of their

money. And he's not even sorry about it.

What more needs to be said?

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens?

Ladies!

And gentlemen, pick a number from one to four.

You got it?

How many pick three?

Ah, predictable.

Predictable, that's what we are, all of us.

Predictable as a cat.

Comes running each and every time you shake its food box. What's the matter

us? Why can't we simply look at what's going on, analyze it like sensible human

beings, react accordingly?

Why are we stuck in these ruts of behavior? Why are we all so damn

And whose fault is it?

Is it his fault?

No, it's our fault.

It's our fault, ladies and gentlemen. Don't blame this guy because someone was

stupid and predictable enough to spend $250 for the name of a baseball team.

I'll tell you something else, ladies and gentlemen. If we started hauling people

down to court each and every time they took advantage of the weakness of human

nature, you'd all be on jury duty 24 hours a day for the rest of your lives.

You can hate Jack Carmichael if you want.

But don't punish him for being smarter than everyone else.

Hey, what you reading?

Say again?

What are you reading?

A biography of President John Adams.

What you listening to?

A biography of President John Adams. Look on tape. Girl, you gotta be from

space.

Oh, hey, Eli.

Shirley, can you give us a second?

God, that's my Shirley right there.

So, listen, Eli, I just wanted to tell you, you got the job. I'm putting you in

charge here.

Oh, that's cool, man. Thanks a lot.

And I want to congratulate you on a very wise decision.

I will not let you down.

Uh -huh.

Listen, now, Eli, I went ahead and checked your references.

You did?

Tried to, anyway.

You never worked in a bowling alley your entire life, have you?

Not particularly.

Not particularly, no.

I didn't think so.

Welcome to Stacky Ball.

All right, get up.

What? Go ahead. You can get out of the chair now. You got the job.

You think I'm faking? Of course you're faking. And you have my eternal respect

and admiration.

Now get your petunias out of that chair.

I'm feeling paralyzed.

Come on.

Dude, last year I was in a motorcycle accident.

I sustained a T4 level injury to my spinal cord, which left me paralyzed

the midways down.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow, man. I'm sorry,

man. Please forgive me. I never meant to.

For real?

Seriously, get up.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

What say you?

In the matter of people versus Jack Carmichael, we find for the defendant

Carmichael. Thank you.

Mr. Carmichael, you are free to go.

Court is adjourned.

Looks like you're in the clear.

With him, yeah, but what about you?

Honey, just do me one favor.

The next time you see a way to make some money, ask yourself, is this something

Fred Flintstone would do?

And if it is, don't do it.

I hear you, Greg, is it? Okay.

You outdid yourself today, Ed.

You got off to a little wobbly start, but you clinched it in the closing

argument. Ed brought tears to my eyes.

Yeah. Yeah.

You still thinking about the blonde?

You're wasting your time, Ed.

What makes you so sure?

It's simple.

She's positive she'd screw it up.

And she doesn't want to risk it.

Yeah.

She'd just take the chance. It would be so great.

People don't take chances like that.

Hey, Chief.

Didn't expect to see you back here.

Me neither.

Taking one last look?

No.

I'm here to bowl.

Gotta finish that game.

Can't win about everything you said.

I gotta take a shot.

What was that?

That, my friend, was proof that you don't know everything about human

Dennis, are you home?

I'm up in the bedroom.

What are you doing?

I'm just getting my stuff together. I'll be out of your way in a couple of

minutes.

Out of my way? Would you hand me those binoculars?

You know, on second thought, to hell with it. I never use binoculars.

Where are you going?

I'm leaving. A friend of mine told me a teaching job opened up in Minnesota.

Why? Why?

Because if you think I'm going to hang around here and wait for you to walk

and forth, Ed Dennis, Ed Dennis, you've got the wrong guy.

No. Dennis, I'm not doing that. Yeah, sure you are. Please don't. Why

I?

Let's get married.

What? Yeah, I'm ready. Let's get married.

Really?

Yes.

You're sure?

Will and Grace is back, and it's their biggest season yet, with guest stars

Kevin Bacon. You're my stalker. I prefer the term professional crazed fan. It's

an episode sure to become a classic.

I loved you in Footloose. Oh, yeah, you saw that?

And will Will and Grace have a baby, or will Grace fall for Harry Connick Jr.?

Hi. Hi.

All leading to the moment that changes everything.

It's now or never. The new season of Will and Grace begins tomorrow on NBC.