All language subtitles for Ed s03e01 Human Nature.eng

Some guy just came by and asked for my
autograph.

What? Yeah, he said you look like a
young James Caan. He told me his wife

me in rollerball.

Loved you in rollerball? Yeah.

He thinks you're James Caan. Yeah.

If you were James Conn, why would you
look like a young James Conn? Wouldn't

just look like the actual James Conn?
You're overthinking it. It would have to

be a napkin.

So, hey, Mike, you and Nancy going to
the big welcome home carol party? Oh,

mean the big welcome back carol and
Dennis party? Mike, Mike, Mike, you've

known the fair sex as well as I have.
Okay, carol and Dennis, we're on our

legs. Unless they're engaged or not
engaged.

She went on the trip, didn't she? Yeah,
she went on the trip. Of course she went

on the trip. She had to go. She was
committed, okay? But don't you think if

Carol had gotten engaged over the
summer, she would have called? I don't

Maybe she's waiting until she gets back
so she can break the news to everybody

in person. I was there that night, okay,
Mike?

That was a movie kiss.

A movie kiss, my friend.

I was hungry, bogart, and Cary Grant
rolled into one.

Like Don Muts and a duck rolled up into
one. All I'm saying is after a kiss like

that from Edward J. Stevens, there's no
way that Carol Bessie or any other woman

for that matter is going to accept a
proposal in marriage from another man.

right, I guess we'll find out tomorrow
night. I guess we will. I guess so.

Keep it up, you sweet bastard.

What's going on?

Penny's just three strikes away from
bowling the perfect game.

Wow.

A chance to witness perfection.

Last time I did that, I was doing
shirtless sit -ups in the mirror.

You know how some people have a six
-pack?

I got a 14 -pack.

Hey, Mike. Hey, Molly.

Hey, Mike. Listen, I need you to bring
this cake to Carol's party. Did you guys

make signs?

Yeah, they'll be ready. I think she's
coming back late tonight. When I firm up

the plans, I will call you.

I'm going to go reserve the back corner
of the goat.

Hey, Mike.

Yeah. Don't you think it's kind of weird
that Carol never called anyone the

other time?

Not really. She said that they were
going to be out camping and stuff. They

wouldn't be in touch.

Weird, isn't it?

Not as weird as you.

I've got to go.

Make Daddy proud.

What's going on?

Come on, Daddy.

I'm done.

Kenny, what are you doing? Just one more
strike, you get a perfect game.

Yeah, I'd prefer to just let it hang
there.

Want another thing, Ed? Yeah. I quit.

What?

I'm in the sky tonight There I can

keep

bills. Sarah, you got any cash on you?
How are you?

How are you today, huh?

Nancy, you seen the mail in there?

Yes, in fact, we're drowning in it.
What's the problem? Too much junk mail?

mail? No. The problem is a little
something that starts with a B, ends

S, and has an L in the middle. But, but,
will you say that again?

Bills, Michael.

Bills. Why didn't you do the whole B and
the S and the L thing? And it's not

just the normal stuff. You know, cable,
electric, mortgage, it's your new

practice. Office painting, contagious
waste removal.

Um, stationery?

It's faster and easier just to say
bills. Mike, look at this. New

Mike, do you really need a new
smegmonometer right now? I mean,

just make do with the old smegmonometer?

What's a smegmonometer?

I have no idea, and that is my point
exactly.

Well, honey, we'll be fine. New medical
practices just take a little time,

that's all.

And what do those black envelopes keep
getting?

I don't know, just junk mail, something.

Mike, we pay for HBO and you pay for...
you nutty professor to the clump what do

you call that 399 and watch eddie murphy
in a fat suit for two hours they call

it a bargain i'm not getting this i
don't why why does nearly ball

in the perfect game make you need to
quit i told you i've accomplished all i

here it's time to move on come on man
throw the last frame i gotta see what

happens i don't want to miss

Look, I've never been very good at
goodbyes, so I'll just say what my great

-grandfather used to say.

I'll see you when I see you, unless I
see you when I see you.

He was completely seen out.

I...

I never liked that son of a bitch.

I use humor to hide my pain.

Ed.

Carol, hey. There you are. I wasn't
expecting you back. Can I talk to you in

your office?

You seem a little... Now.

Okay.

My man Bosco is about to get a good old
-fashioned ass, Joey.

Welcome home.

What the hell was that?

What? What the hell was what?

30 seconds before I'm about to go on
vacation with Dennis, you kissed me.

That was too much. You've been upset
like this the whole time? Yes, I've been

upset like this the whole time. I was
upset at the St. Louis Arch. I was upset

in the Rockies. I was upset in
Graceland, the Grand Canyon, the Golden

Bridge. Oh, that's funny. You didn't
seem too upset when it happened. That's

great. Classic Ed Stevens smirk. That's
just what we need right now.

Gal, come on. What's your problem?
What's my problem? My problem?

My problem is that you knew Dennis was
going to propose to me.

Yeah, that's right. He told me that you
knew he bought me a ring. So what was

with the kiss? You just thought you'd
throw a monkey wrench into my life for

fun? Did Dennis propose to you? Yes, he
did.

In the Painted Desert, if you must know.
Did you say yes?

That's what I'm talking about.

Did you say yes?

See, you say that you're my friend.

You say that you want me to be happy,
but you don't care if I'm happy. It's a

crock. Did you say yes?

No.

I didn't say yes, okay?

But it didn't have anything to do with
your juvenile little kissing scent.

No, of course not.

You are such a pompous ass, you know
that?

Hey, Carol.

Did you tell Dennis I kissed you that
night?

I didn't think so.

Woo -hoo -hoo!

Three straight games. Did you enjoy your
visit to Ed's house of pain?

Hey, I want to show you something. I got
this in the mail.

Sean Blue Jays will beat the Baltimore
Orioles Wednesday.

Next day, Blue Jays beat the Orioles 6
-2.

I'm going to get this one.

Boston Red Sox will beat the New York
Yankees Thursday.

Next day, Red Sox 13, Yankees 2.

What are these? Who sent these? I have
no idea. Here, look at these.

Giants beat the Dodgers Friday. Braves
beat the Cubs Saturday.

A's beat the Mariners on Tuesday. Every
single one of them came true.

Really? Yeah. So then I'm going to get
this one.

For my next pick, send $250 to PO Box
452. You didn't. I did, and here it is.

The Cincinnati Reds will beat the
Colorado Rockies Sunday night.

So what are you going to do?

Still gave me the name of a bookie, some
guy Johnny Lagozo.

A bookie? Ah, Mike, that doesn't seem
wise.

Things are tight right now, and this guy
picked five in a row.

Open, close them, open, close them, put
them in your lap.

And open, close them, open, close them.
Now give them a clap.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Sorry. I'm looking for Mr. Lugoso. I'm
Johnny Lugoso.

Skyler, don't do that. Skyler, use your
words.

Are you the guy?

Huh? I'm Johnny Lugoso.

Jacob, you're in Jeremiah's space.

I was looking to make a proposition.

A very sporting.

Proposition? Skyler, do you need a
timeout?

Can I help you with something?

I got your name from Phil's tub.

What's your poison?

Football, hoops, pucks, ponies.

I'd like to place a wager on tonight's
Cincinnati Reds -Colorado Rockies game.

You're a friend of Phil's?

Yeah.

I'd like the reds, please.

$3 ,000, please. Three dimes on the big
red machine.

I'm impressed.

What's your name?

Um... Michel.

Michel Francois.

I'm French,

so... Uh -huh.

We settle on Tuesday.

If you don't settle on Tuesday...

You'll settle on Tuesday, right?

Oui.

Here's the throw and the play at the
plate.

The Reds score again, man.

This is too heavy.

This is like stealing money.

There she is. There she is.

No,

Dennis. Carol.

You're a good liar, Molly. Maybe a
little too. Good.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? I missed you guys.

So.

Ed. I was just getting the pictures
developed.

Whoa. You knew about this? Yeah, Molly
and I were in cahoots.

Molly.

Ed. Dennis.

Where is that?

The dunes in Oregon. Come on, that was a
strike.

That is so amazing. I didn't even know
that place existed.

Big, giant dunes. Dunes are caused by
the wind always blowing in the same

direction.

I asked you this once.

What a great trip, you guys.

Yeah, although it seems you didn't go a
lot off the beaten fast spots, did you?

But you certainly covered a lot of
ground.

No!

What happened?

Todd Zeal just hit a grand slam.

Who the hell is Todd Zeal? Some guy in
the Rockets. I can't believe this. Well,

honey, I never knew you were so
interested in baseball. What is that

Of course I dance. It's a national
pastime, for God's sake. I hadn't seen

one before. We look pretty ridiculous.

Look at that.

Really? No, no.

You don't want to see that one.

Oh, Dad.

You look good. You

bet $3

,000 on a baseball game? Have you lost
your mind?

I'm sorry. I thought it was a sure
thing. The only sure thing is that

idiot. Come on. You're always so
understanding about stuff.

It's not yelling in front of Sarah.

Oh, yeah. Nice try. Where are you going?
Where are you going? Don't you walk

away from me. Don't you walk away from
me. Do you think I'm done? I am not

I am going to yell at you for two hours.
And then when I am done, I'm going to

yell at you for two more hours in
Spanish.

$3 ,000.

$3 ,000. I'm a dope.

The thing I don't get is the letters.

Five winners in a row. How did whoever
did that do that?

I'm not a dope. I'm a supersized dope.
You have no idea who sent you those

letters. Nope.

Nope. Dope says nope.

Probably some kind of scam or something.

Still, five winners in a row.

It's amazing.

It really is. How did the guy pick five
winners in a row?

I got an idea.

What?

Let's find the guy.

How? You still have the P .O. box where
you sent the money for the last pick?

Yeah. All right, well, here's what we
do.

We get a big red box, a gift wrap,
right?

Take it down to the post office. We
leave it for the guy. We don't have to

his name. We just address it to his P
.O. box. Yeah.

And then when some guy comes out... The
post office carrying a big red box.

We'll have our guy. Oh, you did not just
think of that.

Yeah, I did. Now, come on, no way. Yeah,
I did. I'm very clever that way. That's

genius. I read it in a book.

Yeah, I thought so.

Hello, gentlemen.

My name is Phil Stubbs, and I will be
interviewing you for our opening here at

Stucky Balls.

Okay, first up, is there a Mr.

Eli Cartwright Coggins III? I need to
know two things and two things only. Who

does the hiring and who does the firing?

If you could wait over here, I'll be
with you shortly.

Come on, killer. You ain't the man in
charge. I love you, baby, but I can see

right through you. You're strictly mid
-level. I can see it in your posture.

stand like your spine is made out of
pudding. Now, where's the man?

Where's Mr. Stucky Boy?

Stucky Boy!

Stucky Boy!

Hey. Excuse me. I'm Ed Stevens. I own
Stucky Boy. Can I help you? Name is Eli

Cartwright Coggins III.

I'm a new Bowling Alley employee.

Well, we're actually in the middle of an
interview. Is that so? You think these

mouth breezes over here can stand up to
Eli Cartwright Coggins III?

Please, y 'all dudes can go on home. The
game is over.

New sheriff has rolled up in town.

Come on, man.

I'm here to help you. I've been working
in bowling alleys my whole life. Look at

this, man. This is a total embarrassment
to the bowling alley business.

So I'm embarrassed to be here.

Look at me, dude. If I was white, I'd be
red in the face right now. I totally

would. Ed, we got a loony tune here.
Wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong with the place? What's
wrong with the place?

What do you think is wrong with the
place?

Everything. Everything is wrong with
this place, man. Look, look at this. You

got kids bowling next to adults.

That's wrong right there. They should be
in the last four lanes.

Away from everybody. So when the man
come in, he know he about to put his

moves on the women. He don't have to
worry about them runny nose kids

nachos on him when he trying to get his
fur born. You feel me?

Yeah. What a brother got to do to get a
rent. Dude, come on, man. Come on, man.

Get up there. What you think? You touch
my wheelchair, you gonna get paralyzed?

Dude, what are you doing? Just come on.
Push.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.

How do y 'all have these shoes set up in
here, man?

Low sizes are on the left, going up to
the high sizes on the right.

That's wrong, dude. You know the most
popular men's sizes are 9 1⁄2. The most

popular women's size is an 8. You want
those front and center. The least

size is a 4, 4 1⁄2. You want those like
your goalposts. You want them outside,

way outside, dude. Then you got 5 on the
right, 5 1⁄2 on the left, 6 on the

right, 6 1⁄2 on the left. Then you got
your 8 to 10 1⁄2 front and center for

easy access.

Oh, man.

Ed, you're not actually going to listen
to this, are you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come here. Hold
up, mama. Don't run away. Hey, don't

snap away, little buddy. Eli won't bite.
I might never, but I won't bite. Come

here. Where you going?

Oh, oh, wait a minute. Would you look at
this snack bar?

Dude, I could see everything wrong with
this. By the time I finish listening to

them all, you'd be so old your damn
teeth would have been to fell out your

Wait, where you going? I can't do this,
dude.

No, I can't work here.

That's like getting Joe Torre to coach
the badass best.

You'd be better off getting an engineer
from NASA to come in and turn this place

around. I can't believe you're still in
business. I truly can't.

It's the bad news bears.

It's the bad ass bear.

Another great thing about living in
Suckyville is that when you want to get

pizza, there's no arguing about where to
go.

There's one place, Larry's Pizza. That's
it.

And the downside is the pizza kind of
stuff.

Donut, I have to tell you something. I
don't want you to get mad because it

didn't mean anything, okay? What is it?

Well, remember the night we went on our
trip and right before you left?

And came over.

And Ed was at the house? Yeah.

Well, right before you walked in, um...
Ed kissed me.

Really? Yeah.

And it just came out of nowhere.

It happened really fast. And I should
have told you. I'm sorry, but... I don't

know why I should have told you. So
what, he kissed you and you pushed him

right?

Not exactly, no.

Uh -huh.

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It was emotional, and we were saying
goodbye.

It was just sort of... All right, I get
it. It's okay.

Really?

Oh, thank God.

Thank God. I'm so sorry.

One of those stupid, stupid things.

Why are you telling me this now?

Carol.

Because we're here, and Ed's around, and
I thought you had a right to know.

All right.

All right.

I think

a big red box would have been fine.

Oh, trust me, this is better. It'll be
easier to spot.

They accepted it?

Yeah, they put him back and put a note
in his box to pick it up.

Mike.

Ten bucks.

I'm not in the mood. Ten bucks if you
ask that guy over there for directions

the Montclair Hotel.

You're not serious.

Yes, I am. A timeless classic.

Last time we did this, we were 17.

Ten bucks.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you tell us how to get to the
Montclair Hotel?

The Montclair Hotel. At this fork here,
you're going to want to take a left.

You're going to go down two lights until
you get to Pathaic Avenue.

What? Take another left onto St.

Alex Avenue.

And then at your first light, you're
going to make a right onto Bloomfield

Avenue.

Bloomfield Avenue. And then it's
straight ahead.

Five miles.

Thank you.

I'm only down 2 ,990.

Hey, Mike.

All right.

Let's do this.

Let's do this? Hey, you were the rat!
Freeze!

I'm right behind you, Starsky. Whoa,
whoa. Hey!

Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on!

What? What? I don't know you guys. What
do you want with me? Well, you sent me

black envelopes with baseball
predictions in them.

Black envelopes and baseball
predictions?

What are you guys, been having an
afternoon pina colada festival?

Hey, buddy, we can do this the hard way,
we can do this the easy way.

Come on, you said no, let's do this and
freeze.

Hey, I lost $3 ,000 because of you. I
want to know what this is about.

Hey, don't let me kick your ass in front
of all your friends. Buddy, listen to

me. I'm a lawyer. Now you start talking,
I'm going to sue you for so many

things, you're going to run out of paper
and pens down at the courthouse.

Now! Well, you want me to start talking
now, Dr. Burton?

You know who I am?

Yeah, I know who you are.

And I suggest you let me go. Otherwise,
I want to tell all the people in this

nice little hamlet of Stuckyville how
their beloved Dr.

Burton is an inveterate gambler.

Hey, by the way, this is a really great
raft.

Have you guys ever rafted up at the
Upper Yak up in West Virginia? It's a

5 Rapids. Very good. You ought to try it
out. Adios.

Jack Carmichael!

Why, what?

We've been tailing you for two weeks.
You're under arrest for fraud.

This is most unfortunate. Who are you
two?

Oh, my friend here got involved. Just
passing by. Just passing by. Come on,

let's go.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's going
with me.

Him? Why?

He's my lawyer.

What?

You get me off, I keep my mouth shut.
You don't, I turn into Chatty Cat.

Get my drift up.

You his lawyer?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

That was a lovely piece of work out
there.

I mean, you got me out of that holding
cell so fast, I didn't have time to

finish my complimentary cup of Sunny
Delight. Hello, hello, hello.

Do you know if they serve Sunny D in
jail?

It flows like sweet ambrosia.

I'm Jack.

Shirley. Very, very nice to meet you,
Shirley. Jack, Jack, have a seat.

Yeah. Look, I need you to tell me how
you picked the winners of all those

The winners?

Let's see. Well...

Ed, I am in constant communication with
the souls of the deceased.

In fact, the last few pics I got
directly from the late DeForest Kelly.

It's very amusing. Look, I can't defend
you if I don't know what you did.

Okay.

All right, first of all, I send a letter
to 100 people.

50 people you tell them to bet on the
Orioles. 50 people you tell them to bet

the Blue Jays.

Okay, so say the Orioles win.

Now you got 50 people who think you are
right.

What about the 50 people who think
you're wrong?

Forget them.

You take those 50 people who think
you're right, and you tell half of them

bet on the Red Sox, half of them to bet
on the Yankees. So now I got 25 people

who think I'm two for two.

And then I send out a third letter.

You send out a third letter and you keep
whittling down the group until you've

got a handful of people who think you
predicted five in a row. That's right.

And then there's a few poor souls who
will pay lots of money to get my sixth

prediction.

That's incredible. That's brilliant.
That's truly brilliant. So you must be

one of those, what do they call them,
grifters.

I didn't know you guys actually existed.
Wait a minute, are you grifting me

right now? No, Ed, I'm not a grifter.
I'm a psychologist.

What? Dr. Jack Carmichael at your
service.

What's a psychologist doing running a
baseball scam?

Well, Ed, I've been studying human
nature for 35 years. I thought it was

time I put my knowledge to use.

Size seven.

There you go.

Did you just give him a full pencil?

Yes, Eli, I did.

Well, where's the tiny pencils at?

What? You know, the tiny scorekeeper
pencils?

We ran out.

We ran out. Yes.

Well, my good Mr. Butt.

Stubb. My good Mr. Stubb.

People come to Stucky Bowl for the full
bowling experience.

A crucial part of the full bowling
experience is the pencil.

Not a big pencil, not a medium pencil,
but the tiny, tiny, tiny -ass

pencil. Pull her out. This is all we
have.

We'll bust her some bitches in half.

Oh, Shirley.

Hey, whoa, Shirley. Shirley, uh -uh. No,
no, no, no, no, no, Shirley.

Uh -uh, wait. Well, no ketchup on the
principle.

Put the ketchup down.

Put the ketchup down. Good, good. That's
my Shirley.

That's my Shirley.

That's my Shirley.

Hey, Shirley.

Hi. Hey, Eli. I thought you didn't want
to work here. I don't. But you people

need me. I mean, you need me bad.

Bosco. Hey, Phil.

Bosco, it's time you and I had a little
head -on pet about our sedentary friend

over there.

I'm going to hire him.

Please don't toy with me. I'm going to
hire him, Phil. I really think this guy

could help us.

Well, as manager of Stucky Bowl, I'm
afraid I have... I am still the manager.

Of course you're still the manager,
Phil. I'm just thinking of making you

supervising manager.

I take it that's one rung below manager?

Is this because I'm Jewish?

You're not Jewish, Phil.

I am so hungry, I could eat a live
badger. Let's stop for breakfast. No,

we're late for court.

No, we got a half hour. Don't be such a
tight ass.

I'm not a tight ass. Sure you are. That
thing's screwed on tighter than a

childproof cap. Come on. Don't argue
with 35 years of psychological

You don't know me at all.

Pick a number from one to four.

What? Pick a number from one to four.
You got it? Yeah. Three.

How'd you know?

Pick a number from one to 100.

Any two digits, the first digit's got to
be even, the second digit and the first

digit have to be different.

You got it? Yeah. 67.

How'd you do that?

Everybody picks those numbers. Well,
most people pick those numbers. The

mind is very predictable.

We all think that we're so complicated,
but we're actually as simple as

pussycats.

Prisoners of our own nature.

Ed.

Joe. Hey.

Just the man I was looking for.

Really?

Excuse us for a second.

So what's going on? Well, I told Dennis
about our little kiss.

You did? Yes. On everything. And he was
totally understanding.

And guess what? We're still together. So
how does that fit in with your little

vision of reality?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

So, how long have you been after her? A
year, two years, what?

You think she's the girl for you, but
you haven't been able to close the deal

yet.

Who's this Dennis guy?

Swaggering bad boy type.

Older guy, maybe?

Give it up, Ed.

Give up the chase. It ain't gonna
happen.

How do you know?

Let's go.

Fly dog.

Hey, Molly.

You fly, fly dog.

Please elaborate, and not by adding a
third fly.

You kissed her the night before she's
going away from Summer, and you kissed

her. Yeah.

How come you didn't tell me?

Think I should have told you? Yeah. Why?
Because I like to know stuff.

This is he.

Oh, I... Are you serious?

No, no, no. Yeah, I'll be there.

Okay.

Who was that?

It was Eunice.

Dennis's secretary?

Dennis wants to meet me at the pond at
midnight.

Midnight? Why?

No idea.

Hi, Ed.

Hey, Dennis. What's going on? Pick one.

What are those?

Cricket bats.

Cricket bats. Come on, get a quick one.

Okay.

Okay, now, on the count of three, you
and I are going to start pounding the

out of each other with these cricket
bats.

The last one standing wins.

What? What?

On the count of three, you and I are
going to start pounding the crap...

wait, wait. Wins what?

Carol. What do you mean, wins Carol?
One.

Dennis, hold on. Two. Yeah, wait. Hold
on. Hold on. What are you...

You're joking, right? Please tell me
you're joking. You got a problem with

Yeah, Dennis, I have a problem with
this. Well, you don't seem to have a

sneaking around behind my back, kissing
my girlfriend.

Okay, look, wait a second.

Dennis, you love the big, stupid,
theatrical gesture, right? A midnight

right up your alley. Come on. I'm not
going to fight you, Dennis.

No, I'm not going to spend the rest of
my life fending off your manipulative,

cheap -shot puppy -dog moves. So, come
on, we'll get this over with.

You beat me, you get Carol.

Well, there's just one problem with
that, Dennis.

Carol isn't yours to give.

Or maybe you've forgotten what she said
when you proposed.

Mr. Carmichael, are you a professional
scam artist?

Oh, no, sir. I'm a professional
psychologist.

Behavioral science is my specialty.

It's a baseball -picking thing. You ever
done anything like that before?

No, never.

Well, then.

I'm sure many of us are wondering why a
successful law -abiding psychologist

would do something so dishonest.

Well, you may not like what I did, Mr.
Stevens, but it's not dishonest. No?

Why not?

Because I never made any false claims.

All I did was send out letters with
predictions. I never said that I had any

special information, and I never
promised that the predictions would come

But surely you must have anticipated
that the people getting these letters

be fooled into believing you could
actually pick winning teams.

Yeah, well, if they were, it's their
fault.

You can't blame me for their
irrationality.

Did I take advantage of human nature?
Yes.

But there's no law against that. No.

There's no law.

It's funny. Just last night, I saw a
television commercial for a psychic

charging money for predictions about the
future.

You know, I really can't see a
difference. Can you?

No. Nope.

Nothing further.

Mr. Walzer.

Mr. Carmichael, do you honestly believe
that the fact that you're a psychologist

entitles you to scam dozens of people
out of thousands of dollars?

Objection. Overruled. Answer the
question.

Uh, no, but... Were you aware that
television psychics protect themselves

against lawsuits by clearly stating that
their predictions are for entertainment

purposes only?

No, I wasn't aware of that.

Can you look at me with a straight face
and claim that what you did was not

morally disgusting?

Well, it may or may not have been, but
it wasn't illegal.

That's for this jury to decide, Mr.
Carmichael.

And I doubt this jury will look kindly
on someone who defrauds innocent people

out of their hard -earned money.

Objection. Withdrawn.

Nothing further, Your Honor.

Hey, Miss Bessie.

Warren, hi.

Hey, how's your summer?

Um, okay.

How was yours?

Yeah, pretty cool.

I learned how to touch type.

A -S -D -F -J -K -L -S -M -I.

Yeah.

Something wrong?

No, no.

Something's wrong.

Come on, something's wrong. Tell Uncle
Warren.

Warren, keep two slow gin fizzes,
please.

Warren, that's not appropriate. It's
fine.

Excuse us. Not a story of the woman of
soothing cocktails. Warren.

Okay, jeez. I don't need to get your
bowels in an uproar.

I'll see you later.

Carol, we need to talk.

Ed, do you think we could possibly put
this behind us and just move on? No,

is not about you and me. This is about
you and Dennis. I want you to tell me

once and for all, what the hell are you
doing with that guy?

Excuse me? Do you really believe that
Dennis Martino loves you?

Yes. Carol, he's an angry, nasty drunk.

He doesn't care about anyone but
himself.

You don't even know him. I know Dennis
Martino. I had a full dose of Dennis

Martino. I do not like the way he treats
you. Now, you look me in the eye, and

you tell me you honestly believe that
Dennis Martino loves you.

I've just spent the last two months in
cars and tents and hotel rooms with

Dennis Martino, and it was the best two
months of my life.

So, if he doesn't love me, he's doing a
damn good job faking it.

What's the matter?

Nothing. You want to watch something
else?

No.

You want to watch those things where
those morons decorate each other's

No, this is fine.

What's going on?

Nothing, Dennis.

Is this about Ed?

What did he do this time?

We just... Got in a stupid fight at all.
It doesn't matter.

Apparently it does.

No, Dennis, it doesn't.

Good luck. Thanks for coming.

Mr. Walzer, your closing argument?

Ladies and gentlemen, I will keep this
brief because Mr. Carmichael's deeds

speak for themselves.

The man is a crook.

He is a scam artist.

He methodically sat down and figured out
a way to cheat people out of their

money. And he's not even sorry about it.

What more needs to be said?

Thank you.

Mr. Stevens?

Ladies!

And gentlemen, pick a number from one to
four.

You got it?

How many pick three?

Ah, predictable.

Predictable, that's what we are, all of
us.

Predictable as a cat.

Comes running each and every time you
shake its food box. What's the matter

us? Why can't we simply look at what's
going on, analyze it like sensible human

beings, react accordingly?

Why are we stuck in these ruts of
behavior? Why are we all so damn

And whose fault is it?

Is it his fault?

No, it's our fault.

It's our fault, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't blame this guy because someone was

stupid and predictable enough to spend
$250 for the name of a baseball team.

I'll tell you something else, ladies and
gentlemen. If we started hauling people

down to court each and every time they
took advantage of the weakness of human

nature, you'd all be on jury duty 24
hours a day for the rest of your lives.

You can hate Jack Carmichael if you
want.

But don't punish him for being smarter
than everyone else.

Hey, what you reading?

Say again?

What are you reading?

A biography of President John Adams.

What you listening to?

A biography of President John Adams.
Look on tape. Girl, you gotta be from

space.

Oh, hey, Eli.

Shirley, can you give us a second?

God, that's my Shirley right there.

So, listen, Eli, I just wanted to tell
you, you got the job. I'm putting you in

charge here.

Oh, that's cool, man. Thanks a lot.

And I want to congratulate you on a very
wise decision.

I will not let you down.

Uh -huh.

Listen, now, Eli, I went ahead and
checked your references.

You did?

Tried to, anyway.

You never worked in a bowling alley your
entire life, have you?

Not particularly.

Not particularly, no.

I didn't think so.

Welcome to Stacky Ball.

All right, get up.

What? Go ahead. You can get out of the
chair now. You got the job.

You think I'm faking? Of course you're
faking. And you have my eternal respect

and admiration.

Now get your petunias out of that chair.

I'm feeling paralyzed.

Come on.

Dude, last year I was in a motorcycle
accident.

I sustained a T4 level injury to my
spinal cord, which left me paralyzed

the midways down.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow, man. I'm sorry,

man. Please forgive me. I never meant
to.

For real?

Seriously, get up.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

What say you?

In the matter of people versus Jack
Carmichael, we find for the defendant

Carmichael. Thank you.

Mr. Carmichael, you are free to go.

Court is adjourned.

Looks like you're in the clear.

With him, yeah, but what about you?

Honey, just do me one favor.

The next time you see a way to make some
money, ask yourself, is this something

Fred Flintstone would do?

And if it is, don't do it.

I hear you, Greg, is it? Okay.

You outdid yourself today, Ed.

You got off to a little wobbly start,
but you clinched it in the closing

argument. Ed brought tears to my eyes.

Yeah. Yeah.

You still thinking about the blonde?

You're wasting your time, Ed.

What makes you so sure?

It's simple.

She's positive she'd screw it up.

And she doesn't want to risk it.

Yeah.

She'd just take the chance. It would be
so great.

People don't take chances like that.

Hey, Chief.

Didn't expect to see you back here.

Me neither.

Taking one last look?

No.

I'm here to bowl.

Gotta finish that game.

Can't win about everything you said.

I gotta take a shot.

What was that?

That, my friend, was proof that you
don't know everything about human

Dennis, are you home?

I'm up in the bedroom.

What are you doing?

I'm just getting my stuff together. I'll
be out of your way in a couple of

minutes.

Out of my way? Would you hand me those
binoculars?

You know, on second thought, to hell
with it. I never use binoculars.

Where are you going?

I'm leaving. A friend of mine told me a
teaching job opened up in Minnesota.

Why? Why?

Because if you think I'm going to hang
around here and wait for you to walk

and forth, Ed Dennis, Ed Dennis, you've
got the wrong guy.

No. Dennis, I'm not doing that. Yeah,
sure you are. Please don't. Why

I?

Let's get married.

What? Yeah, I'm ready. Let's get
married.

Really?

Yes.

You're sure?

Will and Grace is back, and it's their
biggest season yet, with guest stars

Kevin Bacon. You're my stalker. I prefer
the term professional crazed fan. It's

an episode sure to become a classic.

I loved you in Footloose. Oh, yeah, you
saw that?

And will Will and Grace have a baby, or
will Grace fall for Harry Connick Jr.?

Hi. Hi.

All leading to the moment that changes
everything.

It's now or never. The new season of
Will and Grace begins tomorrow on NBC.

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