All language subtitles for Ed s02e15 Nice Guys Finish Last.eng

Shirley. I've invented a new kind of
sandwich.

Only one piece of bread.

That's an open -faced sandwich.

I invented it. I will name it. Thank you
very much.

Do you know what the deal is with all
these trucks lately?

Trucks? Yeah, the... I can't take it
anymore.

Hey, where are you headed to, son?

Where am I headed to? What you really
need is one of them cardboard signs

got your desired destination written on
it. Right. For example, if you wanted to

go to Austin, you'd have a sign that
said Austin.

Right. If you were going to Tallahassee,
you'd have a sign that said

Tallahassee. Tallahassee. If you wanted
to go to Las Vegas, you would have a

sign that says Las Vegas on it. Got it.
Of course, in that case, you could just

go with Vegas.

I'm not hitchhiking anywhere.

Well, in that case, you don't need a
sign at all.

Right. Exactly. Right. But I do have a
question. What's that?

Why all of a sudden is there so much
truck traffic through Stuckyville? B &B

truck, and that's what most of us drive
for, well, uh, they changed our route.

How so?

Well, you see, they discovered a little
hiccup. See, if you get off the highway

up there at exit 4A, zip through
Stuckyville, and then get back on the

at exit 6B, you avoid a toll.

Saves them a ton of money, that. But
it's ruining our lives. That's not my

Hey, I gotta roll.

Where there's chaos, there's
opportunity, baby.

I'm in... Hell.

When it's my moment in the sun

Oh, how beautiful I'll be

sort of way like I am you and you

are me

Molly

How are you doing?

Oh, please don't go into that mode.

What mode? The heartfelt Molly.

How are you doing, mode?

Still haven't talked to him, have you?
Nope.

He keeps calling and calling, but I have
the will of Lazarus. Was Lazarus known

for having a particularly strong will?

What do you suppose Jim's wife is like?
Oh, Molls, like they say on the

afternoon talk shows.

Don't go there, girlfriend.

I know, I know, but I'm just so curious.

Well, how about tonight? You want me to
come over? We could hang out. You're

going into that mode again.

Sorry.

Hi. Hello, Mr. Martino.

Hi. Come on. Call him Dennis.

Dennis.

You're such a jerk.

I have good news.

Oh, the students have all had their
tongues surgically removed? Not that

Robert Stanley has accepted our offer to
speak at the alumni banquet.

Wow.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Wow.

So, will you get in touch with his
people and organize his travel

Yes, I would be glad to. Thank you.

Robert Stanley, nice going there,
Dennis.

Oh, if she gets to, I get to.

Fair enough.

You know what you should do.

No, what should I do? You should give
Robert Stanley one of your short stories

to read.

No. Are you kidding me? No, I couldn't
do that. He's a big, fancy author. I'm a

small, unfancy, not...

Alter. Come on, Carol. If not now, when?

I mean, you have nothing to lose. No.
No.

No. I couldn't even think of it.

This is ridiculous.

Everywhere you look, all day long, all
night long, it's bright.

It's like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds,
except the trucks.

The trucks. Yeah, I got it. The trucks.

Hey, isn't that Amy Rubin? Yeah.

Let's go talk to her.

Hello, Councilwoman.

Councilwoman. Now, that sounds like
trouble, Ed. All right, Amy. You know

and Nancy Burton and Sarah Burton?

Hi, Amy. Good to see you. Nice to see
you. Hey. So? You want to know what

doing about the trucks? Yes, I do.

We're honest.

We hired a lawyer. He's dealing with B
&B trucking. He's trying to get them to

stop. Good. Who is it?

Barry Gleep. Barry Gleep? You've got to
be kidding me.

No,

I'm not kidding you. We grew up with
Barry Gleep. He was a nice guy, but he

always kind of a pushover, wasn't he?
I'll say. Well, maybe he's changed.

Has he changed? Ah, yes, he's changed.
Barry Gleep is the most incompetent

lawyer in the world. How can you trust
some of the most important legal work

this town has ever seen to Barry Gleep?
It wasn't the council's decision.

It was the mayor's.

Ah, I see. What?

Barry Gleep is the mayor's godson. I'm
not confirming that was a factor.

the mayor realize that if Barry Gleep
screws this up, then Stuckyville will

forever be a truck route? There's
nothing I can do.

Hey, come on, buddy, give me one!

I'm just trying to make the best out of
a bad situation. Thank you, sir.

Is that on your mind there, Zippy?

Zippy?

Yeah, I thought you needed a nickname.
Zippy sounded good. Now that I hear it.

Maybe if I was a chimp.

If you were a chimp, I'd call you
Bubble.

Isn't that the name of Michael Jackson's
chimp? Yeah, but so what?

Bubbles is the ideal name for a chimp.
He can't own that.

Seriously.

Something on your mind?

Um...

Yeah, this is... You want another Coke?
Yeah, Coke.

Two Cokes, please.

I need a favor.

Sure, what do you need?

Well, I was thinking with Robert Stanley
coming to town, maybe I could get him

to read one of my short stories.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Yeah, I'll mention it to him. I don't
think he'd have a problem reading it.

Oh, no, that's not the favor. I have no
problem asking him myself.

Oh, then what?

Well, you know, I put a lot of... stock
in your opinions on literature. I was

wondering whether or not you might read
my short story and tell me what you

thought of it.

Why? It won't take very much time.

It's a short story. It has to be short
by definition.

Bad idea. Why is it a bad idea? Trust
me, I'm not the guy for the job.

Why? I want to be a writer.

You have a lot of smart things to say
about writing. What's the problem?

The problem is that I am very, very
discerning on the topic of literature.

Exactly. That's why I want you to read
the story.

All right, I'll put this a different
way.

I hate everything.

You hate everything?

Everything. Including Robert Stanley's
writing.

How can you hate Robert Stanley's
writing?

Well, it's a very simple two -step
process, really. First I read it, then I

it. Oh.

Carol, my reading your short story is a
big mistake.

But there's got to be a little chance
that you could like it. Exactly. There

a chance.

Then why don't you read it? Because then
there will no longer be a chance.

Because you'd hate it.

Exactly.

Yeah. Yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Well, very well. You see, the color of
the sweater I ordered from you was

seafoam, and the color of the sweater
that you sent me was Sahara brown.

No, no, I'm quite sure, actually.

Uh -huh.

I guess I could do that.

Okay, right then.

Oh, you take another look at the order
form, and I'll take another look at the

Sahara Brown.

I'll call you back.

Very well, then.

Bye -bye.

Very glee.

Ed, how you doing? Good, good.

So, listen, I hear you're representing
Stuckyville against B &B Trucking.

Yes, I am, and, Ed, I think this is the
big one.

Yeah, it sure is a big one. In case you
can't tell, it's been a little quiet

around here.

Practice is a little wobbly. But if I'm
the guy who gets rid of the trucks, I

think my whole life turns around.

What have you done so far? Hey, I'm all
over this.

I called up B &B Trucking. I laid out
all our problems with the traffic. All

them. And, oh, I got a meeting with
their lead counsel.

Well, that's great.

Good for you, Barry.

That's good. That's good.

So when's the big meeting?

Three weeks.

Three weeks?

Yeah, well, he's got to come all the way
in from their home office in Oklahoma.

Barry, no.

You can't meet with this guy in three
weeks. Traffic is at a standstill.

Businesses are getting clobbered. You've
got to get this guy here tomorrow.

I tried.

He's busy.

Yeah, well, of course. Yeah, of course
he's busy. Listen, Barry.

I bet if we file for an injunction to
have all his trucks stop immediately,

he'll suddenly no longer be busy and
he'll magically find the time to get

Oh, come on, Ed. He said he wanted to
come, but he's totally tied up. Three

weeks was the earliest he could get
here. Barry, call the man on the phone.

Tell him to be here tomorrow or we'll
file for that injunction.

Will you come to the meeting?

Me?

Why?

You know, help out, make sure I don't
screw it up.

I'll tell you what.

Make the call.

Get the guy here tomorrow. I'll come to
the meeting.

Great. I will make the call.

You know I'm a poet?

No, sir, I did not.

Yep. I can make a poem about anything.

What's your name?

Shirley.

Shirley. Shirley Blue Eyes, Queen of
Coffee, Shirley Blue Eyes, Smooth

as Toffee.

What do you think about that, Shirley
Blue Eyes?

Shirley Blue Eyes.

Well, that reminds me of Mickey Blue
Eyes.

which was the movie where Hugh Grant
kept saying forget about it in a variety

humorous ways.

Pure genius.

Hey, what's going on with the great
Robert Stanley?

Molly said you're too chicken to give
him one of your stories?

I wanted Dennis to read it first
because, you know, he knows a lot about

writing.

And?

Well, he didn't want to. He thought he
might not like it.

Oh.

Hey, wait.

Would you do me a favor and read it? I'd
really appreciate it.

No.

No? What?

Look, Carol, you and I have to be
careful about something.

What's that?

Okay, you go to your closet.

Mm -hmm. All right, and you have two
pairs of shoes. One comfortable, one not

comfortable because they're new. Now,
you're gonna be tempted to always wear

comfortable pair of shoes.

You could always do that.

You never break in the new pair.

Know what I'm saying?

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

Tell Dennis you need him to read your
story.

I'm sure he'll do it if he knows it's
important to you.

Guys, it's not just an air freshener.

It's an edible air freshener.

Now, that's a 10 -4 if I ever taste you
one good, buddy.

It's me, Jim, again.

Look, I know how you feel, but I just
got to talk to you, okay? I know I've

screwed up, but, look, you got to give
me a chance to set things right, all

right, please? Just one chance to talk.
That's all I'm asking.

Hello? Molly.

Stop calling me.

Mr. Ryan, the number of trucks coming
through Stuckyville is very difficult on

everyone. I understand completely.

And I've tried to reason with the guys
running the company. They won't hear it.

Okay, but Mr. Ryan, it's very noisy.

Very. I know.

And I'm doing everything I can. But
detouring the trucks through Stuckyville

saves B &B over $120 ,000 a year. Right
now, things are tight. They need this to

survive. Yeah, right.

Well, can't we work out some sort of
compromise?

I don't know. Like, what if at least the
trucks didn't come through on the

weekends?

Barry, who is this?

Excuse me. It's fine. It's fine.

What are you doing?

Weekends? I'm opening up a dialogue.

A dialogue? I can handle this.

Just don't screw me up.

Go get him.

I would love... to say yes to the
weekends, but the guys won't even listen

proposal like that.

Okay. Well, what about just Sundays? I
mean, Sunday mornings are just really

difficult. You know what?

I'm going to try.

I am going to go back and beg them to
not have any trucks come through

Stuckyville before 11 a .m. on Sundays.

Well, I really appreciate that, Mr.
Ryan. But, hey, I can't promise. Okay.

He's going to try to cut down Sunday
mornings.

You heard him. There's nothing he could
do.

You've lost your mind. This guy's
playing you, Barry. This guy is playing

I can't do this.

Why don't you just take over?

No,

Barry, I'm not taking over.

Okay, I'm not taking over. You're going
to do this. You're going to do this, but

listen to me. All right, now unfollow my
advice to the letter.

That's not a problem.

Uh, yeah, we'll just, uh... Just, uh,
tell us Mr. Stanley's flight and, uh,

we'll arrange it.

Oh, yeah, very good.

What's up, Spanky?

I don't think so.

It's still better than Zippy, right?

Toss -up.

Oh, still early.

So, Dennis, I've been thinking.

About my reading your story?

Come on. Please?

No.

Please.

It's important to me.

Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
You're not going to read that while I'm

standing here, are you?

I'm going to go.

Mr. Ryan is late.

Of course he's late.

There's a way of setting a tone that
says none of this is urgent. By the way,

you notice that you keep calling him Mr.
Ryan while he calls you Barry?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

First rule?

Ed, I got it.

First rule.

Fewer words. Fewer words, exactly.

Now, what are you going to say?

Eliminating the trucking on just Sunday
mornings is unacceptable.

Perfect. Perfect. And then just sit
there as if you'd be happy to sit there

until you both die.

Don't speak.

Don't offer any alternatives.

Just sit there. Keep repeating it.

Hello, Barry.

Good news. I talked to the guys.

They are willing to live without Sunday
mornings.

Congratulations.

Mr. Ryan, this isn't really working for
us.

It's, uh... It's unacceptable.

What do you mean?

Eliminating the trucking on just Sunday
mornings is unacceptable.

Whoa. We're about to dot the I's and
cross the T's here, and you're throwing

a major curveball.

I mean, what are you saying here, Barry?

I'm saying that eliminating the trucking
on just Sunday mornings is

unacceptable.

Gus.

Okay. Well, then I guess we have nothing
to discuss.

I can still catch a flight back to
Oklahoma.

I'll tell you what.

Let me give these guys a try.

Yeah, it's me.

Really?

Really?

That is fantastic news. Great.

Thanks.

You won't believe this.

They just got out of their budget
meeting. They found some extra savings.

They have agreed to the whole weekend,
from Friday night at 5 to Monday morning

at 9, no trucks in Stuckyville.

Congratulations, Barry.

That's great news. I'll get you the
paperwork by tomorrow.

Take care.

like a cheap card table.

That, that was a fake phone call, my
friend.

Seriously, how was I? You were great.
Oh, hey, did you hear me throw in the

gust? Yeah. Ed, Ed, oh, Ed, I can't
thank you enough.

Oh, one problem.

What's that?

He can't take that deal.

It's not good enough.

See you tomorrow.

What, what, what?

Wait.

What are you talking about, not take the
deal? But the guy went from early

Sunday mornings to the entire weekend.

Not good enough. You're crazy.

I'm taking it, Ed.

The mayor said it was my call, and I'm
taking it.

Listen to me.

Listen to me. Before any of this
happened, we barely had a truck going

Stuckyville. Now you want to settle for
having them here Monday through Friday?

If we don't settle and we go to court,
we could lose, and then we could have

trucks here seven days a week, and I'll
be the guy who'll let that happen. But

if we go to court... And they lose, we
eliminate all the trucks. Even the ones

we had before this, even the ones that
have to go through Stuckyville now won't

be able to. They have as much risk as we
do. Yeah, but if we go to court, who

wins?

I don't know. We just have to hope they
don't let it go to court.

No.

I'm sorry, Ed. I'm taking the deal.

You don't understand.

I'm not going to let you take this deal.
If you don't agree to not take this

deal, I will go to Amy Rubin and I will
have you removed.

No.

I know you. You wouldn't do that.

I'm taking the deal.

Barry.

Barry.

Oh, Dennis. Hi. Come on in. Have a seat.

Um, I was thinking about you reading my
short story, and you know what? I think

you probably shouldn't. I already did.

I know, but let's pretend that you
didn't. But I did.

No, you didn't. No, you didn't, okay?

So, tonight, you know what? We should
rent Mrs. Doubtfire. I would love Robin

Wood. Carol, I read your story.

And? Well?

You hated it.

You hated it because you hate
everything. That's fine. Leave it at

didn't hate it. What?

It was kind of, um... I thought there
was a lot of good stuff in here.

I guess,

uh... Say it, Dennis.

Okay, I hated it.

Really? You hated it?

That's good. That's good.

That's good.

What in particular did you hate?

Carol,

what do I know? Oh, tell me, Dennis. I
want to learn. You can help me. Okay.

Well, I guess then that the characters
weren't as sharply defined as maybe they

could have been.

You know what? That's a good note. It's
good, the characters. All right.

Okay. Which characters in particular?

Um, well, I guess, uh, the sister.

Uh -huh.

And the mother.

Uh -huh.

You know, Carol, this really isn't
constructive.

Yes, it is. It is. It is. Look, we are
two adults.

Don't you think I deserve the benefit of
your honest, unvarnished opinion?

Hmm? I can handle it. Come on. Give it
to me.

Okay. Okay. Uh, okay. The plot?

I found the plot to be cliched and a
little, I don't know, I guess dull.

The language I found to be precious and
forced and over -eager to please.

And the writing style, I mean, to tell
you the truth, I would be hard -pressed

to say that there was an actual
particular writing style.

I mean, the thing never evolves into a
whole.

But like I said, I really think that
there is some good stuff in here.

Wow.

Wow.

Sorry.

No. Thank you for your honesty.

Thanks.

I told you this was a bad idea.

No.

No.

I'm... I'm totally okay with this.

Okay.

Uh, still on for Mrs. Kaufman?

You bet.

Eddie, a woman from the tribal council
is here to see you.

Oh, hi. Amy, please. Come on in. Have a
seat.

Just heading out. See you, Mike.

Please.

You got to get rid of Barry Gleet.

I'm not so sure, Ed.

I know all about the deal, and I think
this may be the best thing we can do.

I don't think so. If we go to court, who
wins?

I don't know. I just have a feeling
about this. Trucks, seven days a week,

cripple us.

If it's just weekdays...

I think we could survive. Amy, I have a
feeling about this. I think we can do

better. I don't know. I think when push
comes to shove, these people will back

down. If you lose this, my political
career is over.

But if I win?

If you lose, you're the guy on the line.

Not Barry anymore.

I know.

Okay.

I'll talk to the mayor. Thank you.

I won't lose.

You talking to me?

Or you?

Sure you didn't like the story?

Why, sure. He tore it apart.

You know, sometimes with criticism, the
negatives outweigh the positives.

Yeah, Ed. Yeah. There were no positives.

No positives?

None. None at all? None. Not even a
token positive? Like, nice font. Ready

with the Times New Roman?

Ed, he hated everything about it. It was
as if I said, sweetie, here, look at my

innermost thoughts and feelings.

I have gazed upon them and I find them
worthless.

You called Dennis, sweetie?

Ed. Yeah?

No.

Just, look, Carol, if you're going to
pursue this writing thing, you're

going to have to develop a bit of a
thicker skin.

That's easy for you to say.

Do not.

Let this get in your way. You have a big
opportunity with this family guy.

Oh, you think I'm ever going to let
another human being lay eyes on a single

word of that story?

You've got to. Nope. You have to. Can't.
It's the only way to move forward.

Uh -uh.

What do you call Dennis?

I forget it. I don't want to know.

You call him. I forget it.

Do you call... Paul tells us that we are
to love our wives and

children as Christ loved the church.

Have you ever thought about...

What's going on?

What is it?

It's our truck stop chapel.

You have got to be kidding me. Bosco,
truckers don't live on gas, grass, and

alone. They need spiritual sustenance to
keep rolling down life's lonely

highway. Clear up my office now.

Bosco, make an amend on these guys.
Which would be terrific, Phil, if their

trucking company weren't ruining our
town.

All right, that concludes our service.

But you'll never forget the fun we had
thanks to your very own Jesus travel

That's right, Jesus himself could not
have designed a better spill -proof

sipping lid.

Now, so unchain your wallets and follow
me to the shoe counter.

Ed. Hey, Barry, please, step into my,
um, chapel.

I'm sorry.

So you really did it, huh? You went to
the town council.

I told you I would.

Look, Barry, I want you to know it
wasn't easy for me, but business is

Unless you happen to be the mayor's
godson.

What do you mean?

They didn't fire me.

They didn't? Mayor Kendricks wouldn't go
for it. He insisted they keep me on the

case. Has Kendricks even seen that deal
you want to make?

Doesn't he know what he'll do to
Stuckyville?

I don't know if he does.

But I do.

I want to reject the deal.

Are you serious?

If you are wrong about this, I am dead.

Barry.

Let's go to work.

Is this Chris Christopherson?

Molly. Molly, please. We have to talk.
No. No, no, no. It's just five minutes.

Go away.

But I have to... Get out of this school
right now or my hand to God, I will kick

your ass right here in front of the A
.V. squad.

How you feeling, my man?

A little nervous.

You're going to be fine. Just got to
walk in there and tell Ryan what's what.

I'll be right behind you.

Behind me? Oh, that's good. That way he
can catch me when I pass out. Barry, you

can handle this. You're right.

You're right.

Ryan and I are both rational people.
We'll just put our heads together and

something out. No, you won't.

What? You're not going to get this done
by being rational.

Why not?

It's irrational to be rational.

It's actually more rational to be
irrational.

Please talk normal.

All right, case in point. Here's an
example.

Say you and I were two rational guys. We
both got loaded guns. We're pointing at

one another, and I say, give me your
wallet.

You don't want to give me your wallet,
so you being a rational guy, what would

you say? I say you can't shoot me
because then I'd shoot you back. We'd

dead, so no, you can't have my wallet.

Perfectly rational answer. But what if
instead a good old rational Ed Stevens,

what if instead I'm a raving psycho
lunatic? I'm waving the gun around. I'm

screaming nonsense. I'm hooting. I'm
hollering. Give me your wallet. Give me

your wallet. What do you say? I give you
my wallet. Why?

Because... I can't trust you to do the
smart thing and protect yourself.

Yes, yes. So because I'm irrational, I
get your wallet.

Sometimes it's more rational to be
irrational.

Huh.

Hey, listen, Barry, why don't you go to
the drugstore and get us a couple of pre

-negotiations? I'll be right with you.

Okay.

May I?

Yeah, sure. Sit down.

Listen. How's the sports?

No, I'm good. Carpage?

No, I'm fine. I'd offer you the word
jumble, but I solved it already.

Rutabaga.

Actually,

I wanted to talk to you about something.

What's that?

It's about Carol.

Fessy.

About that story she wrote. Yeah.

Your review kind of knocked the wind out
of her.

Yeah, I'm aware of it.

Look, Dennis, I know you're in a tough
position, and this may not be any of my

business. I think she should give that
story to that Robert Stanley guy.

I mean, not that anything might come of
it, something might come of it. I don't

know. I just think it's important that
she take that first step, and she won't

unless she gets some encouragement from
you.

You and Carol are pretty close, huh?

Yeah.

But you two never, uh...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.

No, it's fine. We never went out.

I just find it interesting, that's all.

You don't see too many genuine
friendships between men and women.

Especially beautiful women.

You know, the guys always want to...
Yeah, but you guys are the

real thing.

I know I've never had a friendship like
that.

I don't think I really could.

I gotta go.

See you, Dennis.

See you.

Mr.

Ryan is here to see you.

Send him in.

How you boys doing?

Barry, get your facts. Everything looks
terrific.

We've got some papers to sign.

Barry, talk to me, buddy.

Well, I've got the papers right here.

But I'm not going to sign them.

I'm taking back the offer.

What? I...

Yeah, I've decided I'm not comfortable
with the terms of the deal.

You're not comfortable?

What is this, open mic night at Yuck
Yucks? You're joking, right?

You're going to have B &B Trucking
restore the traffic to its normal level.

Why would I possibly agree to do that?

Because if you don't, I'm going to take
you to court.

And when I'm through, those trucks won't
be able to come within 50 miles of this

town. And how's your client going to
feel about that? Gleef, we both know

not taking me to court.

I will mop the floor with you. This town
will be ass -deep in trucks, and

everybody will know it's your fault. I
will end your career, my little friend.

I don't care.

What?

I don't care.

I want to go to court.

Yeah, I got nothing to lose.

You have everything to lose. Okay, yeah,
right. Well, so what?

Bring it on.

Yeah, you know what I'm going to do if I
lose this case?

I'm going to throw a party.

That's right. I'm going to draw a giant
four -star whoop -dee -doo. And then you

know what I'm going to do? I'm going to
give up this pathetic law practice, and

I'm going to take my ass to Hawaii.

That's right, Hawaii.

You know, grass skirts and volcanoes and
roast pig and snorkeling. That's right,

snorkeling. I'm going to snorkel myself
silly. Yeah, see, I don't need any of

this. Look, calm down, okay?

You have until 8 o 'clock tonight to
accept my offer.

P .M. Sharp, I'm taking you to court.
Win, lose, I don't care.

Jabba -dabba -doo!

There's just no talking to him when he
gets like that.

Yabba -dabba -doo.

I needed a big closer. It was the first
thing that popped into my head. I'm

telling you, Mike, truly, this is one of
the greatest things I've ever seen in

my entire life.

Barry's going crazy. Gosh, Brian's just
sitting there like he's been hit in the

head with a brick.

It's not going to work. He's going to
call our bluff. He's going to take us to

court. I don't think so.

You better be right.

Well, Barry, I've got something to take
your mind off your troubles. What's

that?

Ten bucks to order a brandy. Wait, wait,
wait. You guys still do those $10 bets?

Occasionally, yeah. That's all you got?

Word of brandy, that's it?

You have to say the word brandy 20
times.

Excuse me.

Frank? Yeah,

um, can I get a brandy, brandy, brandy,
brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy? Brandy,

brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy,
brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy, brandy,

brandy, brandy.

With a twist?

Hey. I was wondering if you would take
the time to read something I wrote.

Something you wrote?

What's the deal, Dennis? Just play
along, please.

Okay.

My Life as a Critic by Dennis Martino.

I thought Raiders of the Lost Ark would
be an embarrassing box office flop.

I thought the Wendy's fast food chain
would fail.

Couldn't see people going for those
square burgers.

I thought Aquaman would eventually
become more popular than Superman.

You just seem more relatable.

I thought the most successful Saturday
Night Live alum would be Tim Kazerinsky.

Who's Tim Kazerinsky?

Well, that's quite a track record you
got there, Dennis.

Look, I'm glad you value my opinions,
but I just want to make sure you put

in the proper context.

Mm -hmm.

Attention, truck driver.

If you move your truck, I will give you
a 50 % discount on fuzzy dice.

Act now or this will not last.

Moscow, these guys will not move their
trucks. Nobody can get in or out.

squeezing the life out of us. My God, I
knew it. We are so screwed. This is

horrible. What are we going to do?

Nothing. They'll call by 8. What, are
you crazy? They're trying to intimidate

us. There's no reason to do that unless
they're afraid to go to court.

Ryan just blinked.

Come on, guys!

Come on!

Mr. Stanley.

Hi. Can I get you anything?

Um, just a glass of water, please.

By the way, I have written an incredibly
boring speech for the night.

Hope that's not a problem.

No, that works for me.

Um, Mr. Stanley, I'm sure you get
bothered with this all the time, but

consider reading something that I wrote?

It would be a pleasure.

Really?

Thank you so much.

Tilt down.

No chance.

Don't forget it.

Break down if you let it. Could be so
far away

now.

Energy.

Take you.

Really wired.

Slow down, don't forget it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Amy.

No, he never called.

Listen, I'm sorry about this.

Yeah, I will.

Bye.

Barry, I feel terrible about this. I
blew it.

I can't believe this.

What do we do now?

Hello?

Yeah, just a moment.

It's for you.

Who is it?

Just some guy.

Name of Gus Ryan.

Gus... That... That's him?

He's on the phone right now? That's him
right there on the phone?

Oh, my... Uh... Uh... Uh... Take it.

Uh... Okay.

Hello,

Gus.

So I searched the Internet for my name.
You know, just to...

see what would come up, and there was
this one page, so I clicked on it, and

there was a picture of a gopher.

A gopher?

Yeah, because there was a website, and
she had a pet gopher, and its name was

Molly Hudson.

Is it even legal to domesticate a
gopher?

I don't... Excuse me.

What?

You have now officially crossed the line
from annoying to creepy as all hell.

Sorry, Molly, but I'm not going to stop
until you hear me out. Okay? I'm just

not going to stop.

All right. Fine.

Talk. But you've got exactly 30 seconds.

That's right. Let's see how many married
guy cliches Jim Frost can cram into

just 30 seconds, starting now.

Molly, I can't. 26, 25.

Let's go. Come on, Jim.

Come on. You're sorry that you lied to
me. You're going to get a divorce. You

never meant for it to happen like this.

19, 18, 17.

I love you.

That's it?

That's it?

You've got 15 seconds left.

I don't want 15 seconds.

I want the rest of our lives.

Allow me to conclude with a quotation
from journalist Gene Fowler.

The best way to become a successful
writer is to read good writing, remember

and then forget where you remember it
from.

Thank you, everyone. Good night.

Here's to Ed Stevens, master negotiator.
Can I tell you, Mikey boy, Ed Stevens

plays to win.

You do, no? That's right, my friend.
Because when it comes to negotiations,

you've got to be fearless. You've got to
be unflappable. You've got to be the

toughest guy in the room. You know why,
Mike? Why, Ed? You know why, Mike? Why,

Ed? Because nice guys finish last.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Carol.

Ed, I wanted to say thank you.

For what? Well, for pushing me to show
that story to Dennis. You were so right

about it. It was worth it. Did you give
it to Mr. Stanley? Yes, I did. I did.

And Dennis and I...

It's great.

Oh. So thanks. Oh.

You're welcome.

Bye.

So, uh, Ed, well, what's that you were
saying about nice guys? They finish

first? No. All right, Mike. They finish
in the middle. All right, Mike. No, no,

no. I meant they finish last.

That's it.

They finish last.

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